The Black Sheep
fr ee ... Molike us th eM eH ar isto at ho ry C n! lu b
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 2 1/31/13 - 2/6/13
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_umn
beware of the bus people Tim Krueger wrote this
With the weather reaching genital shriveling levels, those who have been peddling their way to the U will be looking for a warmer passage. And for those of you who do not have the luxury of owning a car, truck, or tank, this means you’ll be boarding either the 2, 3, or 16 to get to class. Public Transpiration Virgins may think that the transition from twoto ten wheels will be a cinch, but don’t let your moxie cloud you. You have much to learn about the most frequent of bus patrons, the bus people. We’ll begin with those heard, not seen, the Vocalist. The Vocalist has no conception of privacy or audible control. From the time it takes you to find a seat and put your earbuds in, you will know who they’re talking to, who they’re talking about, and what domestic dispute they were involved in. “Jenny! I swear to God if you don’t dump Jason’s ass right now, I’m going to come over there and kick your dog again!” This dialogue may continue for five to ten minutes, and you will be compelled to silence the Vocalist and become the bus hero, but as the old saying goes: no good deed goes unpunished. If you do decide to take on the Vocalist, expect to be met with insults and profanities fired off at the rate of a Tommy gun with the pitch of a banshee. Your best defense will be the Medusa stare. Pacify her with your unwavering eyes and steady tongue. And if that doesn’t work, go into Hulk-mode and scream uncontrollably. We wish to you the best. Second cousin to the Vocalist, the DJ, is above all a music lover, and wishes to share his love with you and other fellow bus travelers. The DJ can be seen sporting his new Bose headphones and baggy attire. His pirate limp will be a dead giveaway. As he passes you, your ears will catch the provocative beats of the latest Skrillex album, or some third rate rapper spittin’ half-ass rhymes about how many bitches he got. The DJ is by far one of the most intolerable types of bus person and must be unplugged. Sure you could mute out his nauseating taste in music with headphones of your own, but this way is much more satisfying: To defeat the DJ you must become his worst critic. Team up with your busmates and boo him senseless. Your harsh criticisms will be too much for him and he’ll retreat to his musical dystopian wasteland. The Drifter is cut from a different cloth than that of the aforementioned bus people; and by “different" we mean “unwashed and full of holes.” You’ll smell the cheap gin
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upon entry as he makes his way down the aisle, using seats, poles, and possibly a young boy for balance. The bus is his home and he’ll treat it as such, so it’s best not to disturb him. However, avoidance is not always an option, as the Drifter may choose you to be his bus confidant. If you are unlucky enough to fall victim to his drunk babbling, here’s a few helpful notes. Bribery should never be taken off the table. A pretty penny goes a long way for the Drifter. If you’re short on change, pull a Houdini. Say you have to get off at the next stop and slowly reseat yourself out of his field of vision. It’s a
what'’s inside
clean and effective maneuver for which your nose will thank you. Stale coffee never smelled so good. Keep in mind that the Drifter is a creature of habit. So be on the lookout for circular grease spots on the windows. It is his mark, and he will return. Also, saving the little boy is optional. PTVs beware! The bus person, though not invincible, is a formidable foe and is not to be underestimated. All senses should be on high alert once you’ve entered those dingy folding glass doors. Be diligent my friends, and stay warm.
Kindergarten Lessons You'll Use In College
are you smarter than...
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Dana, a waitress at station 280?
Be cute, cry when someone eats your fruit roll-up and color every single day.