The Black Sheep
fr ee ... Molike us th eM eH ar isto at ho ry C n! lu b
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 2 1/31/13 - 2/6/13
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_umn
beware of the bus people Tim Krueger wrote this
With the weather reaching genital shriveling levels, those who have been peddling their way to the U will be looking for a warmer passage. And for those of you who do not have the luxury of owning a car, truck, or tank, this means you’ll be boarding either the 2, 3, or 16 to get to class. Public Transpiration Virgins may think that the transition from twoto ten wheels will be a cinch, but don’t let your moxie cloud you. You have much to learn about the most frequent of bus patrons, the bus people. We’ll begin with those heard, not seen, the Vocalist. The Vocalist has no conception of privacy or audible control. From the time it takes you to find a seat and put your earbuds in, you will know who they’re talking to, who they’re talking about, and what domestic dispute they were involved in. “Jenny! I swear to God if you don’t dump Jason’s ass right now, I’m going to come over there and kick your dog again!” This dialogue may continue for five to ten minutes, and you will be compelled to silence the Vocalist and become the bus hero, but as the old saying goes: no good deed goes unpunished. If you do decide to take on the Vocalist, expect to be met with insults and profanities fired off at the rate of a Tommy gun with the pitch of a banshee. Your best defense will be the Medusa stare. Pacify her with your unwavering eyes and steady tongue. And if that doesn’t work, go into Hulk-mode and scream uncontrollably. We wish to you the best. Second cousin to the Vocalist, the DJ, is above all a music lover, and wishes to share his love with you and other fellow bus travelers. The DJ can be seen sporting his new Bose headphones and baggy attire. His pirate limp will be a dead giveaway. As he passes you, your ears will catch the provocative beats of the latest Skrillex album, or some third rate rapper spittin’ half-ass rhymes about how many bitches he got. The DJ is by far one of the most intolerable types of bus person and must be unplugged. Sure you could mute out his nauseating taste in music with headphones of your own, but this way is much more satisfying: To defeat the DJ you must become his worst critic. Team up with your busmates and boo him senseless. Your harsh criticisms will be too much for him and he’ll retreat to his musical dystopian wasteland. The Drifter is cut from a different cloth than that of the aforementioned bus people; and by “different" we mean “unwashed and full of holes.” You’ll smell the cheap gin
Top 10 Reasons Why Sleeping in the Union is a Bad Idea Napping just simply isn't safe in the era of instagram.
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upon entry as he makes his way down the aisle, using seats, poles, and possibly a young boy for balance. The bus is his home and he’ll treat it as such, so it’s best not to disturb him. However, avoidance is not always an option, as the Drifter may choose you to be his bus confidant. If you are unlucky enough to fall victim to his drunk babbling, here’s a few helpful notes. Bribery should never be taken off the table. A pretty penny goes a long way for the Drifter. If you’re short on change, pull a Houdini. Say you have to get off at the next stop and slowly reseat yourself out of his field of vision. It’s a
what'’s inside
clean and effective maneuver for which your nose will thank you. Stale coffee never smelled so good. Keep in mind that the Drifter is a creature of habit. So be on the lookout for circular grease spots on the windows. It is his mark, and he will return. Also, saving the little boy is optional. PTVs beware! The bus person, though not invincible, is a formidable foe and is not to be underestimated. All senses should be on high alert once you’ve entered those dingy folding glass doors. Be diligent my friends, and stay warm.
Kindergarten Lessons You'll Use In College
are you smarter than...
page 7
page 11
Dana, a waitress at station 280?
Be cute, cry when someone eats your fruit roll-up and color every single day.
contents
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 4: Ode to the Overachiever
page 4
They're not so bad, and not only because they detract attention from you...
page 5: Pickup Methods by College Male Females: If you're smart, none of them will work and you will remain abstinent forever.
Table of
page 6: from the streets If you were the first moon governor, what would you do?
page 10: The Happy Medium Wait, gaming doesn't score you chicks?
pages 12: The Super Bowl Drinking Game Go on and play our drinking game while you watch the big game.
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page three ! k e e W e h t f o Pic word of the week Dispoop:
An argument between two people stemming from a floater left in the toilet. “Man, we can just end this dispoop if you admit that you dropped a deuce and forgot to flush before you left for your lit class.”
Meet The Staff campus manager Luis Guitart
photographer It COULD be you!
Editorial Manager Alyssa Hertig
campus director Brendan Bonham
Advertising ManagerS Hannah Comer, Eddie Lund
owner Atish Doshi
Writers McKinley Johnson, Katrina Nicholson Brady Knutson, Nik Strand Ryan Tomkins, Zack Chase
Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers, Evan Stone
distribution manager Eddie Lund
Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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Top 10
theblacksheeponline.com
Reasons Why Sleeping in the Union is a Bad Idea
As frequent guests of Coffman Memorial Union, we can’t help but notice the multitudes of people sleeping on the armchairs and couches that occupy the ground floor common room. Regardless of the time, one can always anticipate finding unconscious students strewn about, some with their MacBook safely tucked away, proving that they did not sit down with the intention of studying. 10.) Sleeping is not a flattering activity, unless you're a cat: As a human, your sagging chin and drooling mouth is an unappealing visual representation of your normally-sexy self, and one should be able to enjoy his or her Starbucks without having to look at your temporary double chin. 9.) There is a chance you will sleep all day and get locked inside the Union: Have fun spending the night with the creepy bookstore mannequins as your only bedfellows. Hey, at least they’ll be less stiff than the date you brought home last weekend. Hey-o! 8.) The multitude of diseases: Do you know how many butts have graced the pleather cushion on which your cheek is now resting? Get off before you get pink eye. 7.) You’re drooling like a dog: Conversely, it is rude to leave your slobber on a communal couch for someone else, unbeknownst to him, to get all over his Levi’s.
Ode to the Over Achiever Liandra Sy wrote this Oh how I love you, Over Achiever. From when first I rolled my eyes at your rhetorical questions, I realized then that a flame burned in my heart. Initially, I misconstrued this glowing warmth as burgeoning antipathy towards your lack of individuality, but I was mistaken! It was not hate but an inferno of deep, misunderstood passion. But for whom? For you, my dear Over Achiever; you and your unmatched zeal, your overcompensating personality, your recitations of only kinda-sorta relevant knowledge, and your time-wasting curiosity. All these flaws provoked my seething hatred, but it’s all right. I quickly realized that these are imperfections to be loved, adored, and cherished. They are what make you you, while giving me a socially acceptable excuse to be me. If the class is Ying, you are our Yang – the part without which surfing Pinterest and creeping on Facebook during lecture would be impossible.
6.) Your dorm is a measly 90 paces away: Hey, look! Your living quarters are equipped with furniture that is far superior to the university-supplied couch you are now occupying. Like, there’s sheets and everything! 5.) We’ll get our Instagratification: You can be sure that if you sleep for long enough, a disgruntled student will snap your picture and post it all over the world of social media. You can also be sure that your squished, sleeping face will make an excellent meme. Ermagerd. 4.) Passing out in public makes you look sloppy: Passing out in public in the middle of a Tuesday without any alcohol in your system makes you look lame. Again, you’re a college kid. Appearances are everything. 3.) Now that we don’t have the Mayan calendar to count on, the world could theoretically end at any moment: Do you really want to stand at the pearly gates with John Lennon and Jerry Garcia and chat about your last moments snoozing on a public armchair? Probably not. Try taking your nap on the TCF Stadium field, that’s a story to tell. 2.) We need to feed our face: While most people love to stand while eating their Erbert & Gerbert’s, a few of us are “lazies” who would rather not sit on the floor. We apologize for our outlandish demands. Sarcasm aside, it really sucks when all of the seats in Coffman are taken by little dicks who have been sleeping there for hours.
On the first day of class I knew I wouldn’t forget you when I saw how you scrambled for a front row seat. You somehow found dignity in being academic cannon fodder – an admirable hubris found only in dead mythological heroes. You diligently took notes though you’ve heard the song before – the same overplayed tune professors love called “the syllabus.” Unlike the rest of your non-freshman peers, you did not retain the same generic rules and requirements every authoritarian figure in your life expects. Instead, your common sense was usurped by the insatiable desire to outdo everyone else, and you did just that when you read the first three chapters of your organic chemistry textbook by Martin Luther King Jr. Day. When you see our dazed apathetic looks, you feel proud. You know the equations ahead of time. Good for you! And when the professor succinctly explains a culturally obscure reference in the class reading (which no one read), you miraculously find a way to allude to the eclecticism of Nabokov, because somehow reading Lolita makes you an expert in all things 20th century. And when the TA asks an easy question the rest of us are too lethargic to answer, your hand shoots up faster than a Roman candle on the Fourth of July, completing the daily challenge of upstaging the lesser, sleepy mortals of your 8 a.m. section. These pompous displays of your intellectual caliber make you the one. You show the rest of the class what they don’t want to be and don’t want to see in a friend. You make finding a person to sit next to consistently a much, much easier feat. This is my ode, my anthem of gratitude, and my oath of everlasting condescension. Your selfdefeating fear of wanting to outshine made you burn out much quicker. Your charms and success are now naught but cinder on a wrinkled wicker. While you were busy striving for success during syllabus week, I became socially acquainted both in class and on various social media platforms. Hey, look! Becky repinned something from my Pinterest moodboard! I feel as if I’ve been deified as the class trendsetter. All of this socialization was accomplished in the periphery of your cerebral discourse with the professor. You made an unwittingly good decoy, Over Achiever, and for that I thank you. Friendless? It’s alright. We will crowd over you during midterms.
1.) Thieving thieves!: If the past nine very valid points have not convinced you, then perhaps you deserve to get your computer stolen by the grey-bearded, dreadlock-sporting “student” who’s sleeping on the next couch while you're happily in unconscious oblivion. On the other hand, without your computer you cannot possibly be expected to do any work, and can feel free to sleep until Friday’s frat parties begin. Cheers.
Gabby VandenAvond wrote this
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Pick-up Methods of the College Male: An Analysis Alexandra Adams wrote this Ah, college. It’s everything that Animal House, Community, and Dorm Life promised, but somehow with more drinking. Indeed, parties are aplenty and so are youthful gentlemen looking to get some. Whether you’re simply in class or out late in Dinkytown, you’ll undoubtedly find guys looking for girls. Here at the U, we see a myriad of methods put forth. Yes, some are worse than others. But on the serious, they all suck. “Let’s study together”: Sure, there isn’t an exam anywhere on the horizon, so this one is transparent. If you look at him closely, you can actually see his mental erection. He just proposed a study session on Saturday, off campus. Yeah, we’re aware that no one studies on Saturdays. And, if you do, we still don’t want to have sex with you. “Want to go see the Tarantino flick at St. Anthony Main?”: Alright, he’s got some horn-rimmed heads turned. God knows the hipster chicks will eat this up. Whether it’s the fact that he referenced the retro, crumbling movie theater or the fact that he knows Tarantino (and what an auteur is), hipster ladies will be creamin’ their skinny jeans over this one. Unfortunately, all other females will return to their iPhones and Instagrams to avoid further conversation. He sends a text (prior to 11:00 p.m.): Looks like this guy doesn’t know how to make a phone call. At least it’s probably an innocent(ish) notion. When he asks you to “hang out sometime,” he could mean one on one, in a group, on top of Mount Kilimanjaro; the options are limitless. Point is, he doesn’t want to sleep with you at this very moment in time – just sometime soon. He sends a text (11 p.m. - 4 a.m.): Do we really have to spell this one out for you? He’s inebriated for one reason or another, and he wants some strange. Maybe he just got dumped. Perhaps he has to repeat chem… again. Either way, he’s drunk off his ass and wants your body. Nay, your booty. Well, probably both. But “Booty call” is soooo 90s. Let’s just call it a “Sexy texty.” “Um, do you want to get dinner?”: Wait, people still do this? Apparently. It’s almost adorable in a sad puppy kind of way. This boy can hardly even breathe properly around a female. We’re pretty certain that he made an American Pie-inspired pact before graduating high school. We can also tell it was wildly unfulfilled. Sure, he’s a sweetheart, a darling, a gem, but let’s be candid here; you do NOT want to fuck any of those things.
“Let’s move this conversation upstairs where it’s a little quieter”: And rapey-er. Does this bro honestly believe that anyone believes him? Well, probably. Perhaps that’s because some poor girls do. Hate to burst bubbles here ladies, but your one-night-stand at the frat house will not turn into happily ever after. Oh and, don’t cut yourself on a lion statue on the way out, dear. You’ll need serious stamina for this extra shame-soaked morning stroll. Luckily, most girls avoid this by seeing his effort for what it is, a potential jungle juice infused nightmare. There you have it: An analysis of pick-up methods applied by the college male. Hopefully you men out there will recognize and avoid these “techniques.” And the ladies should have gleaned something from this, too, and won’t have to spend nearly as much money on date outfits and emergency contraception. You’re welcome.
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
If you were the first moon Governor, what would you do? "Assuming there's food and oxygen and stuff? I would start my first interstellar anti-gravity moon bounce farm." - Matt, Junior
"Plant trees!" - Ge, Junior
"Take advantage of the zero-gravity thing. There will be lots of trampolines." - Susie, Freshman
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
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Kindergarten Lessons for college life Gabby VandenAvond wrote this Although the days of finger painting and naps are far behind us, there is still much to be learned from the utopia we call kindergarten. Despite the slight adult modifications to the lessons that Ms. Poggles taught to her faithful horde of small, pliable Dora the Explorer lovers, her wise words are ringing true to this day. First things first, always share. Especially food. There’s no easier way to make a friend than to offer up your extra Cheese Nips. One might ask where the best place would be to procure these Cheese Nips: Definitely mom’s packed lunches. Have her send you a steady stream via FedEx overnight shipping. Brought lunch is always way better than hot lunch, plus chances are it has a cute note tucked away inside. Unless one of the UDS ladies has the hots for you, there’s no card in your day-old sushi. After Cheese Nips, the easiest way to someone’s heart is through a note. Pass it under the table and make sure it’s positively covered in hearts. Also make sure it says things like, “I can’t wait for recess” and “Ur cute.” That blonde bio major won’t know what hit him. But be sure to note the opposite sex has cooties. And syphilis. And gonorrhea. Stay away from them if you can. The best approach to avoiding those with the opposite genitalia is usually to scream when they approach. If, however, you find yourself entangled with one of these creatures in your bed, use a condom. Or better yet, come to your senses quickly and start screaming… in the petrified sort of way. Always ask before biting someone. In kindergarten biting may have been off-limits altogether, in college we recognize that things happen, for better, for worse, or for sexy. Bites can be kinky and exciting when used with the proper consent. We also realize that after consuming enough alcohol, biting someone’s arm can seem pretty hilarious; it is really not that funny, nor is your a cappella, karaoke mash-up of Taylor Swift’s new songs. Either way, just ask first. Get really, REALLY excited when your parents come in to good ole St. Paul. It means it’s your birthday, and cookies are almost certainly involved. Even if it isn’t your birthday there are cookies involved, why else would mom show up to your Econ lecture? And chances are, the more mortified you act, the bet-
ter dinner you’ll get later. Brit’s Pub, anyone? Side note: Always go with crayons. Colored pencils really suck. Your mother and father are always going to love you, even if you come home with a hair cut you did yourself, because you were too poor to afford a trim, or you just wanted to play princess for a day. Just make sure the Prince Charming you drag along doesn’t have a similar hairdo -- even if he’s in a terrible rock band -- and you’ll make your parents happy. Plus, if the two of you end up living in a cardboard box while he “makes it in New York,” at least you’ll have that half-eaten sandwich. Lastly, and most importantly of all, remember that kickball is really the only thing that matters. Ever.
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FRIDAYS & SATURDAYS IN FEBRUARY: $3.50 Bottles of Bud Light
THURSDAY 1/31
9pm - Close $2 Coors Light $2.50 Long Islands
Thirsty Thursday! $2 U-Call-Its: 9pm - Close
AUC2D! (All-U-Care-2-Drink) (college or military ID for AUC2D) $6 AUC2D Domestic Taps, $10 AUC2D Domestic Taps & Well Mixers, $1 O Bombs, $3 Jack Daniel's & SoCo Mixers, $15 "Group Sex" Fishbowls
FRIDAY 2/1
8pm - Close: $3 Mich. Golden Light Pints $3 Rails Live Music 10pm - Close
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Late Nite Happy Hour: 8-10pm: $4 Vodka Redbulls, $3 Any Pint, $3 Wells, $2 Jager, Cherry & O Bombs, $17 Shipwreck & O Face Fishbowls, 8pm - Close: $2 Jager, Cherry & O Bombs, $4 Three Olives Mixers, $5 Three Olives Vodka Long Islands (7pm Close), $3.50 Bottles of Bud Light
SATURDAY 2/2
9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close
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6pm – Close: $3 Bells & PBR Tall Boys
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Closed on Sundays, But Don't Miss Happy Hour Mon-Fri: Happy Hour 3-8pm Mon.-Fri, & 4-8pm Sat. 2 for 1 on "almost" anything & $1 off appetizers
MONDAY 2/4
8pm - Close: $3 Coors Mugs $5 Jameson Gingers Open Mic 10pm - Close
Flippin' Drinks! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 9pm - Close
Mason Jar Monday! $3 Bud & Bud Light, Double Wells, Double Jack and SoCo Mixers $5 Bud Light Pitchers $10 Bud Light Beer Towers
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8pm - Close $2.50 Mexican Beers & $3 Sauza Gold
Birthday Karaoke Night! Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf) $3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs $3 Long Island Pints
$3 U-Call-It's
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2-4-1's All Day, Everyday
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FRIDAY 2/1
Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks!
$2 Rails, Domestic Bottles, Lite & Premo Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Bottles & Hand Crafted Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots: 10pm - Close $4 Bloodies & $3 Screws: 11am - 2pm
Happy Hour from 11 am - 6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers
2-4-1's All Day, Everyday DJ Starts 10 pm
SATURDAY 2/2
Closed
Happy Hour Pricing All Day Long! $4 Bloodies & $3 Screws: 11am - 2pm
Happy Hour from 11am - 6:30pm and 10 pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers
45 Cent Wings All Day
SUNDAY 2/3
Closed
Big Mug Monday! $3 Lite & Grain Belt, $4 Hand-Crafted, $5 Hop-Head Specialties (10pm - close) $2 Rails & $3 Calls $2.25 Rails/Select Bottles/Drafts: 3pm - 6pm $2 & $3 Select Shots: 10pm - Close $0.35 Boneless Buffalo Wings: 4pm - 12am (w/ beverage purchase)
Happy Hour from 3 - 6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers
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Happy Hour from 3 -63:0pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers
$9 All the Pizza You Can Eat and Beer! 7pm-9pm
TUESDAY 2/5
Legendary wild wednesdays: college id night FREE Cocktail Hour! 11pm - 12am Power Hour 10pm - 11pm: $2 Rails, Select Drafts and Bottles | $3 U-Call-It: 11pm Close: Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails & Calls $2 & $3 Select Shots: 10pm - Close
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$1 Tacos 3pm-close
WED. 2/6
LADIES DRINK FREE (LADIES NIGHT) 10pm to Midnight!
Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks! All You Care to Drink (8-Close) $6 Domestic Drafts, $10 Domestic Drafts and Rail drinks, $2 Kami-quila shots Late Night Happy Hour 8-11PM
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$4 House Margaritas - any flavor! $2 Rail Drinks , $3 Any Pint $4 Any BIG Draft
(excluding Chimay, Matilda & Big Eddy)
Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks!
2 for Thursday! 10pm - Close 2 for 1 Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails & Calls $2 & $3 Shots: 10pm - Close
$2.25 Rails/Select Bottles/Drafts: 3pm - 6pm
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The Happy Medium:
slayin' noobs and feelin' boobs McKinley Johnson wrote this Sweat dripping from your forehead as you struggle to gain control, breathing in short gasps as you go through this familiar motion, God, it just feels so good! You press pause as you land the final blow on the boss in Halo 4 and immediately look around for the crowd of people that should be cheering you on. Then you remember just like all the other achievements you’ve accomplished with a controller in hand, no one else is there, and even worse… no one cares. Angry Birds in the middle of chemistry, class drags on and when you can’t take any more the period ends and you can leave. But wait, now there’s a dilemma: do you stop your game in the middle of a high score spree to talk to that blonde whose been giving you “come hither” looks since Espresso Royale last semester, or keep gaming? Sadly, these are the questions that plague the minds of many poor souls of the U this time of year. The lucky soldiers who have managed to remain single amidst all the guerrilla warfare of romance are afraid of the outside world. Contact that isn’t electronic is no longer trusted, and even a “hello” from a butterface is treated as reason to quarantine oneself into dank dorm rooms and poorly-lit studio apartments. This is a travesty, with heartbreak season right around the corner young men and women should be fumbling off layers of clothes and ironic mittens until there are clothes strewn from frat row to East Bank. Instead, the average single person is stranded inside playing COD on a big screen and drinking beers like it’s going out of style. Wait, that doesn’t sound terrible. So what is the downside to a bro-down? What starts off as a carefree weekend/week can quickly turn into an episode of The Little Rascals - no girls allowed. This severely hampers one’s need to get it on and quickly turns friends into foes. “So what’s the solution?” you ask. Well, like any glaring problem that can’t be solved by cheating or lying in college we come back to our old standby, alcohol! And more importantly bars. While no one wants to be out in weather that can make nipples cut glass, it can be surprisingly easy to get a group of the unmotivated to buy drinks until they can’t see straight.
Bars are incredibly social and while everyone is hiding away from the Big Bad Winter, inside you’ll find that it gets hot, in more ways than one. Layers come off, drinks get made and conversation begins to become effortless (though may need subtitles). Then, lucky lads and ladies comes the real fun, when you take that stunning conversationalist home with you and play your games with them. Who knew the blonde had a mean streak with a sniper armed with an ACOG scope? Or that the brunette from Joe’s Market could hand you your own balls on a silver platter with a hadouken you never saw coming. And after the games have been played, and you lie there spent, you can return to your room, partner in tow and play Twister, all night.
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are you smarter than? dana, waitress at station 280
1) American History: What was the capital of the Confederacy during the Civil War?
6) world affairs: Technically, Greenland is an autonomous country of what kingdom?
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2) Slogans: What national insurance provider's motto is, "Are you in good hands?"
7) television: This 1997-2003 TV show let contestants win this eponymous host's money.
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3) politics: Who was the first female United States Secretary of State?
8) Computers: This is the current operating system used on Macs.
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4) Beer: Within 10, how many 12 ounce beers are in one keg of beer?
9) math: "FOIL" is a mnemonic device reminding problem solvers of this.
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5) religion: What's the proper name for the tall pointy hat the Pope wears?
10) comic books: Who is Superman's archvillain?
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1) Richmond, VA 2) Allstate 3) Madeline Albright 4) 165 5) Mitre 6) Denmark 7) Ben Stein 8) OS X 10.8 or Mountain Lion 9) Order of operations or "First, outside, inside, last" 10) Lex Luthor
correct answers
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the drinking game:
dana'’s answers 1) Richmond, VA 2) Allstate 3) Condoleezza Rice 4) 60 5) Myrtle 6) The kingdom of I Don't Know
7) That guy from the Clear Eyes commercial (close enough for a half point) 8) I'm a PC user 9) Factoring 10) Lex Luthor
dana's score: 3.5/10 correct
recipe for disaster:
Super Bowl Shots
Summer Slammer Smoothies
Everyone wishes they could be an NFL player, but unfortunately that position is reserved for buff boys whose brawn is bigger than their brains. Until you’re reincarnated as one of these gifted few, here’s a football-inspired drinking game aimed to make anyone feel like the star QB for a few minutes.
In this chilly weather all we want is to be soaking up rays somewhere. So put on your swimsuit, crank up the heat, and make your own poolside beverages to get the summer feel in your apartment.
What You’ll Need: Table, cups, beer, ping pong balls, and Super Bowl XLVII on the big screen. Number of Players: 2 teams of 2 is ideal, but there’s always room for more. Level of Intoxication: Feelin’ real good by the second half.
What You’ll Need: A blender, ice, milk or Greek yogurt, fruit, and your choice of alcohol. Cook Time: Just a few minutes, you lazy bum! Fatty Factor: Depends on the type of milk you use. Otherwise, get drunk!
How to Play: - Get all your bros together and turn on the Super Bowl. - Split up into two teams and have each team pick between either the 49ers or the Ravens. - Watch the game and drink casually until one of the following occurs: interception, fumble, safety, touchdown, punt, or field goal. - Once one of these situations happens, get up and head over to the table. Set up 2 cups for each player on the opposing team. Place the cups anywhere you want: on the table, on the floor, on the couch behind you. Just don’t be an asshole; make them somewhat reachable. - The team that benefitted from the game situation (like the team that recovered the fumble) shoots first. - One by one, each player, alternating teams, has a chance to shoot and make one of the cups on the opposite side (no bouncing!). Once a player has made 2 cups, they’re done and sit for the rest of that round. - If someone’s throw causes a ball to fly away, land under a piece of furniture, or spill a cup, that team is charged with a delay of game and must remove a cup for the other team. - Both teams together have a total of 2 minutes to sink as many cups as they can. The Game Ends When: The game is over, duh! The team with the most sunk cups at the end of the fourth quarter wins. Make ‘em pay for all the cases. This game tests any athletic skills that you may or may not have. Most likely not, but who cares? You’re getting drunk, bro.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
Let’s Get Baked: - Grab your blender and pour in about a cup of milk. - If you have Greek yogurt and want to make it a bit healthier, add in about _ cup of that shit. - Pour in a shot or two of your alcohol of choice. - Next you add your fruit: strawberries, blueberries, bananas, apples. Whatever you have a taste for. - Top your smoothie off with a few handfuls of ice, but if you want your shake/smoothie on the creamy side, you don’t need it. - If you’re a total juicehead, add in some protein powder, bro! - Blend it up until it’s all nice and smooth. - Pour it in a glass, toss in a cute little drink umbrella, and chug, chug, chug! Feel free to get creative yet appetizing. Bananas and rum could be a good combination or the traditional berries and vodka. Maybe replace your milk and yogurt with Rumchata? The world is your oyster, so slurp it down.
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! e m a g g in k in r d l w o er b upAnnouncers... e SThe ThWhen When The Announcers...
during the halftime show....
Drink one when they say each other’s name.
Drink one for every Pepsi mention.
Drink one if Ray Lewis’ leadership is discussed.
Drink two when Beyonce changes songs.
Drink two for every forced Harbaugh pun.
Drink two if the camera cuts to a celebrity.
Drink three when they use the telestrator.
Drink five if Jay-Z or Kanye come on stage.
Drink four for each shot of the Harbaugh family.
Drink ten if Destiny’s Child comes on stage.
When the team you're rooting for... Drink one when a pass is completed.
Drink three for any sack your team causes.
Drink ONE for each point your team scores.
Drink three for every challenge.
Drink two for a ten-yard run.
Drink four for any turnover your team forces.
Drink two for any penalty on the other team
Drink four for any play over forty yards.
Drink two for any first down your team gets.
Chug your drink for the duration of an injury.
during the commercials...
in your place...
Drink one for every hot babe.
Drink two for everyone who wears a jersey.
Drink three for every beer commercial.
Drink two if someone uses gambling lingo.
Drink four for each company you don’t know.
Drink three every time someone spills.
Drink six every time animals are involved.
Drink five if you miss a score.
Drink six for dudes doin’ dumb dude-stuff.
Drink ten when something is broken in anger.
we interview:
tyrone wells
Even if you don’t know Tyrone Wells, you’ve heard Tyrone Wells. His personal brand of acoustic tuneage has appeared on everything from American Idol to Scrubs to the freaking Vampire Diaries. His latest album, This Love, dropped recently, and he begins a national tour in February. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: You recently released your fifth studio album, This Love; did you approach the creative process differently on this album? Tyrone Wells: I approached it knowing I wanted to keep the production a little bit more acoustic. Every time I try to make a record I try to keep it sparse, but songs keep growing. TBS: When you talk about an album growing, is that like, adding musical ingredients? A little of this, a little of that? Tyrone: Yeah, it is like that. I don’t always know what should be added, but there are songs like “Bring Her to Me” and “Aria” that are finger picking songs that I knew would be nice with hardly anything else added. But, when you get in the studio, you start thinking “This could use a little drum beat,” and then it can spiral out of control if you’re not careful. TBS: Do you usually know what you need to add, or is there trial and error? Tyrone: I’ll dig around for a while, unsure what the best thing to add is. That’s why it helps to have a good producer, to trust their instincts. That’s why a lot of artists can’t finish anything; they just dig a hole they can’t get out of. TBS: These sparse songs, do you write with the intention of them being that way? Tyrone: Some songs I know it’ll be best with little added. On the other hand, sometimes I think I know, and then I end up with something totally different. TBS: And does that feeling come from lyrical subject matter, or something else? Tyrone: If the songs feels intimate or if it feels bombastic, that has a lot to do with it. Just knowing it will shine more if there is less added. TBS: You’re about to head out on a national tour. When you go on tour do you try to recreate a song as you recorded it, or just have fun with it? Tyrone: It depends. Sometimes I tour with a full band, other times it’s just with one other guy. When I have just one other guy, it’s hard to reproduce a song as it’s performed on a record. Sometimes we’ll fiddle with songs intentionally, adding a different groove or something. For the most part, I try to keep it similar to the record. TBS: Has there been any song that’s changed its meaning to you over time, then, in turn, you’ve changed the approach to how you play it live? Tyrone: No, I don’t think so. I labor beforehand over how the song would be best performed. I’ve been to shows and gotten annoyed when artists change songs, especially if they change the songs drastically. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a Counting Crows concert, but they perform every song differently than they recorded it, and I’m like, “I’m seeing you because I like the way this song sounds.” TBS: How much input do you have in your touring? Tyrone: I’m very involved in where we go, where we play, for sure. It’s my life and I want to enjoy the experience. If I love a room or it has the wrong vibe, I’ll hit up my booking agent. TBS: In this new musical landscape, how do you define your success? Tyrone: I think for me, I care if a new record charts or not. That’s happened on the singer/ songwriter chart for me, with my last releases coming up number one or number two. TV and film placement are important, and touring. When you come through a town and you notice if the audience is bigger or smaller than it was last time. TBS: Can you really note the different sizes of audiences in cities? Tyrone: I can tell just by the enthusiasm of the crowd. And I mean, we switch venues, and that can change the perception of how well we’re doing in a city. TBS: Build me a perfect sandwich. Tyrone: You know, my perfect sandwich… that’s a great, great question. French baguette, barbecued pork, radish, jalapeño, carrots, and basil. The way they prepare the meat, it rocks the world.
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
warm bodies In theaters february 1st
After a zombie apocalypse leaves a bunch of people craving human brains, R (Nicholas Hoult) and his zombie friends encounter a group of people. R kills a man then proceeds to fall in love with his girlfriend, Julie (Teresa Palmer). They begin to develop a relationship, and R slowly becomes less zombie-like, proving that if a zombie can find love, then so can your braindead ass.
Super Bowl XLVII February 3rd at 6pm on CBS
For those who don't read roman, this year's Super Bowl is the 47th and the first one to feature opposing head coach brothers; the Baltimore Ravens' John Harbaugh and the San Francisco 49ers' Jim Harbaugh. But most importantly, Beyonce and her children of destiny are performing at half time. Ma, heat up the spin dip!
Puppy Bowl IX February 3rd at 3pm on Animal Planet
The lovely (assuming) ladies of Animal Planet present two hours of puppies rolling around on each other and being adorable in the 9th year of the Puppy Bowl. There's no Beyonce at half time, and it doesn't cost $4 million dollars for a 30-second commercial, but it's friggin' puppies playing with each other for 120 minutes. That's a whole lot of cute.
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