Minnesota - Issue 3 - 2/6/2013

The Black Sheep

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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 4, Issue 3 2/7/13 - 2/13/13

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What Does Your

Valentine’s Gift Mean?

Gabby Vanden Avond wrote this

My mother thinks all Valentine’s Day gifts mean, “I want to get in your pants.” Yeah, okay, she’s right. But each present’s meaning is slightly more nuanced than that. The day of love and fuss we call Valentine’s Day provides for a multitude of confusing, disappointing, and incredibly awkward exchanges of tokens of affection. To make matters worse, the message sent by any present changes based on your relationship with the person giving or receiving the gift. Don’t worry. We’ll walk you through it.

Chocolate: The Aztecs used chocolate to fortify and nourish their warriors, so somewhere in our instinctual psyche we associate chocolate with strength. Keeping this in mind, it's safe to say that if you're given chocolate for Valentine’s Day, you are going to have one hell of a romp between the sheets that night. Fortify your strength kid, things are about to get kinky.

Flowers: From a social perspective, flowers send a complex message. They’re generic enough to say “I don’t know you as well as you think I do” or “I’ve run out of ideas,” but they aren’t something you get someone unless you actually give a shit. Scientifically, however, you are giving the other person a handful of dead plants.

Take that how you will.

Balloons: It doesn’t seem like it, but balloons mean serious (serious) business. Yes, they’re fun and whimsical, but those helium balloons? They’re not inexpensive. And they last a long time. If they were a human being, they’d be that boyfriend you never had who faked improvement, and never took anything seriously, yet you still dated blissfully for years. Remember him? No? Lingerie: Mom’s right on this one. All lingerie (especially candied lingerie) means “I want to get in your pants, but first put some sexy ones on so I can take them off.”

Stuffed Animal: This is the classic “hit it and quit it” gift. You received something because he wants to stuff your fun oven, but he won’t be sticking around. That chainsaw snore means he’s heading home just as you’re getting deep into REM sleep.

Dinner and a Movie: Okay, this person wants to spend some quality time with you, but only in the darkest, quietest way possible.

Shhh, no casual conversation, there’s watching fictional characters to be had! If the dinner is Erbert & Gerbert’s and the movie is whatever is playing at Coffman that weekend, you’re probably dating

Surviving Valentine's Day When You're Single

It's great! Grab a bowl of mac & cheese and celebrate yourself.

page 4

a CLA kid who’s perpetually strapped for cash. Not that that is exactly a great analysis as to why he gave you that gift. You probably knew he was a history major when you started dating him…

Jewelry: If your finger doesn’t turn green, it’s clearly a serious present. Run. Sex: We all, including mother dearest, know this is where Valentine’s Day ends up, cum hell or high stockings. If this is all you get on this saintly screw day, you’re simply involved with someone

what'’s inside

pragmatic and sensible, also known as a keeper. He doesn’t want to waste time with the frills and formalities prior to fornication, he gets straight to the point. Also, are you really going to complain about getting laid? What are you, a Mormon?

So, what have we learnt? That anyone getting anything for Valentine’s Day is most certainly getting a little something extra, as well. For those of you out there playing imagination Valentine’s Day, we apologize, but you can play imaginary sex time too! Meet Handgela, she’ll be your date for the night.

On Liberal Arts Majors: How to Feel Relevant

are you smarter than...

page 5

page 11

Emily, a bartender from Blarney's?

Here's how to keep poised in the face of all the Carlsoncondescension.

contents

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

page 4: Top Ten: Date Spots

page 4

Minneapolis is rife with romantic spots, whether you're interested in a winter activity, or more of a cuddly, avoid-winter-at-all-costs activity.

page 6: from the streets What's your favorite disney character?

page 7: Red Bull Crashed Ice

Table of

Our rundown of the downhill ice-skating race.

page 10: Love in the time of Mardi Gras love was found in a hopeless, drunken place.

page 12: How I met your mother‌ on Facebook graph search Ted Mosby gets his creep on.

page 13: We Interview: Justin Grant Wade Aka, Steve Holt from Arrested Development.

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page three ! k e e W e h t f o Pic word of the week Presumptwous: A college student’s mistaken belief that a spontaneous threesome will occur during his or her college career.

“‘It may have been presumptwous of me to think that I was going to have a threesome with those two girls who sat next to me at Arby’s,' Teddy uttered.”

Meet The Staff campus manager Luis Guitart

photographer It COULD be you!

Editorial Manager Alyssa Hertig

campus director Brendan Bonham

Advertising Manager Eddie Lund

owner Atish Doshi

Writers McKinley Johnson, Katrina Nicholson Brady Knutson, Nik Strand Ryan Tomkins, Zack Chase

Founders Luis Guitart, Hannah Comer, Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers,

distribution manager Eddie Lund

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The

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Top 10

theblacksheeponline.com

Date Spots: Hopeless Romantics Edition

Good god! We’re already almost here? Well, time to straighten up, march out, and hand your wallet over to the merciless beast you call your girlfriend. Hopefully that hellbeast will leave a shred of your dignity in there, chaps. The Black Sheep is here to help so you can escape this ordeal with your mind and wallet still intact.

10.) Espresso Royale: Surrounded with the aroma of that elixir that brought you and your partner together in the first place, and engulfed in the music of a few dozen hipsters updating their Instagrams, you can reminisce on the moments of impending bowel movements when you first met this lovely lad or lady.

9.) Colossal Café: Just a little ways up Como, nothing says “I love you, babe, even if you have early-onset diabetes” better than a stack of their signature pancakes with apple, walnuts and brie, as you eat them off of your significant other’s most sensual part; the lower thigh.

8.) Movies: Depending on your sweetheart’s taste in cinema you could go see any number of movies. For those who love to warm a heart and eat a brain, go see Warm Bodies. For those who don’t mind a little grit, go check out Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, let your heart go aflame like a witch at the stake.

7.) The Weisman Art Museum: Look sophisticated with your plus-one and enjoy your free trip into the world of art. Discuss what draws you into a piece and learn more about your lover, just don’t forget to fill a flask before you go.

Surviving Valentine’s Day When You’re Single Katrina Nicholson wrote this No one likes Valentine’s Day. Even the people in relationships hate it. Why? Because it is a day of enhanced expectations. No one looks forward to big evaluations at work, no one looks forward to final exams, no one looks forward to going home after their freshman year at college to meet happy parents who will expectantly question about your grades and the “Freshman Fifteen.” No one likes expectations! Valentine’s Day is just one big day of high hopes and unrealistic unreality. People in relationships expect some special, magical night when, in reality, it’s an awkward holiday during one of the coldest months of the year. So while all the single people out there are brooding over the abundance of sparkly, pink Valentine’s Day filled aisles at Wal-Mart, they really should be celebrating.

6.) Downtown: There are plenty of opportunities to come by in the Heart of the City of the Land of the Lakes. Take her to First Avenue and buy a slice at the ever-amazing Pizza Luce. Later, stroll along the skyway looking at the city lights, especially if you got their LSD pizza.

5.) Sporty’s: What could be more romantic than a night spent drunkenly singing your favorite R&B hits to your girl or guy at decibels usually reserved for the morning construction crews right outside of GrandMarc?

4.) The Kitty Cat Klub: The mood is set perfectly for you and your snuggle buddy to get lost in each other’s eyes as music plays and drinks become just a piece of the background. Soon you’ll be taking this one back to your place.

3.) Minnehaha Falls: In the summer this place is awesome, but the frozen falls are even more breathtaking. It’s just magical to walk up behind the falls and touch the ice. Follow the river down and you’ll end up down at the beach. It might be a bit cold for skinny dipping, but there’s more than one way to have fun down at the beach, like over-the-clothes sex stuff.

As a single person on Valentine’s Day, you don’t have to do shit. It’s your free pass to sit back and watch all the couples scramble for last minute ideas. How many conversations have you overheard containing phrases, “Dude, I don’t know what to do for her for Valentine’s Day!” or “Shit, Valentine’s Day is tomorrow and I have absolutely nothing planned…”

Well good luck men, because try as hard as you want, she’ll know. Unless you have rose petals laid out on a hotel bed with candles lit and the soft seductive sounds of T-Pain in the background, she will start questioning her devotion to you. Even though women claim they don’t care much about Valentine’s Day, we all secretly have ridiculously high expectations (that you will never live up to, even we know that).

You can’t just order a pizza, buy a six pack and watch Ghostbusters... Unless you’re single.

So enjoy it. Buy some funnel cakes, a deep fried stick of butter, buffalo wings and a small beta fish. You can surround yourself with these objects, and you can indulge. Not in the beta fish, she’s just for your company. But buy it and take care of it. You’re not being manhandled and can do whatever the fuck you want. Grab a gory horror movie that will kill all romantic feelings you’ve harbored for the day. Call your grandma. Apply for a new astrophysics internship in Arizona. This day can be devoted to yourself, not anyone else.

Just do everything possible to focus on you and the fact that you don’t need anyone else to make this day crazy and awesome.

The real secret to it all is that single people are actually the lucky ones on Valentine’s Day. The only person you have to please is you, and the best way to do that is to forget about romance and focus on your relationship with food. What has food done for you this year? (Uh, it kept you alive.) What can you give back to food? (Worship it.) Answering these questions is the key to making your Valentine’s Day a triumph over the impending loneliness that is your reality.

2.) Ice rink at Van Cleve: Understated and sweet. Describe the night that you’ll spend at Van Cleave gliding, or falling, over to your corazon. It’s quiet, cute and you’ll be free of all that pesky drinking and the bros that are sure to follow.

1.) St. Anthony Main: The ultimate spot for the romantic date. Just across the river is downtown Minneapolis, gleaming across the water’s surface. Walk to the Aster Café for dinner.

Head down the hall for a movie afterwards. And if the walk back to your car looking at those city lights one last time doesn’t get you laid, then the surprise horse-drawn carriage ride will.

McKinley Johnson wrote this

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On Liberal Arts Majors: How To Feel Relevant Liandra Sy wrote this If you went to college to carve out your place in society, perhaps declaring a major in the liberal arts was the wrong call. In the gladiatorial world of academia, the College of Liberal Arts is often mercilessly condemned by the plebs. Although statistically, logically, and realistically speaking, there are many factors at play when measuring your post-graduation success; we still get the automatic thumbs down. Why? This is college. Regardless of how ungrounded their assumptions are, people with much more “relevant” aspirations (ahem, business or science) will look down on your overpriced degree.

You are now swimming in a much bigger pool with much bigger fish, and these big fish have their own institutionally-backed facts which make them more important. Why? It's consumerism baby, and Aristotle isn't exactly consumed like he used to be.

That's okay. There are true and tested ways around those haughty Carlson and CSE kids. You can feel relevant and look relevant without having to change your procrastination-prone major. Remember how you BS'ed your way through that “Philosophy and Ethics” class? Well time to put your rare talents to good use, 'cause you're about to pull a heist more ingenious than anything cooked up by Keyser Soze. Here it is folks: Feeling and Being Relevant 101.

1.) Never Bring Up Your Workload – Nobody likes a Debbie Downer, especially when that Debbie Downer is a Liberal Arts kid. Come on. Everyone at the U of M knows that out of the 50 pages of from Bede's Ecclesiastical History of England reading you were assigned, you read none. Although the actual workload stresses you out, people studying linear algebra will consider it some leisurely scholastic pursuit rather than a rigorous march through the nine circles of hell. Whining about how much you have to read or write is a form of bragging no one will empathize with. Everyone likes a mysterious character, so either be ambiguous or silent. Creating this enigmatic perception of your studies will not only give you allure, but also a touch of humility.

2.) Use Big Words When It Matters – If there's anything you took from your Shakespeare course, it's that an economy of scarcity works (or so Prince Hal shows us). Unlike your mathematical colleagues who are trapped in the rigid jargon of their desired profession, you have an array of synonyms and superfluous language at your disposal. That being said, words are like ammunition. Don't waste it.

Instead, be Machiavellian with your vocabularity and adapt to the situation. Impress by throwing in a word your crowd most probably won't recognize in the middle of your sentence: “You can't ameliorate a situation by sidelining the minority.” There you go. You said something very impressive without really saying anything, while proving your desire for social change – a very relevant subject matter.

3.) Explain What You're Going To Do With It – As an English major, the most common question I get is, “So what are you going to do, teach?” I'm sure everyone in the liberal arts whose interests are not in teaching finds this annoying to the nth degree, but let's play both sides. Maybe you should actually do research on what you're interested in doing (if you're not sure already) and throw in something really monetarily worthy about it. For example, my typical response to the aforementioned question is, “I'm not sure but I am exploring options in corporate, such as HR.” That's actually not true, but it's a more socially acceptable reason than “I love reading.” Besides, HR (human resources) has its home in every business, big and small, so it doesn't hurt to look like you're a marketable commodity, as untrue as it may be.

Finally, a way to be relevant to the world while putting our BS'ing skills to good use. There's absolutely nothing wrong with majoring in literature, art, philosophy, etc. etc. for the pure reason of enjoying them. However, the rest of the world disagrees with you, so keep these helpful tips in mind. Perhaps you may finally earn, rather than lose, street cred for being a liberal arts kid.

From the Streets

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What's your favorite Disney character?

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Red Bull Crashed Ice

page 7

umn staff wrote this If you weren’t already aware, last Saturday Saint Paul hosted the 2nd annual Red Bull Crashed Ice event. And if you have no idea what Crashed Ice is, then allow us to give you the rundown.

Crashed Ice is essentially a downhill ice-skating race where pretty much anything goes; like if downhill skiing and ice hockey made baby. It’s fast, it’s aggressive, and it’s really fun to watch. There are four competitors to a race, and each race lasts about 45 seconds. First and second place move on to the next heat, until the final race where the first three to finish receive a trophy and a complimentary bottle of champagne to shower the crowd with. If you missed it, we suggest checking it out next year.

Luckily for you, dear reader, Red Bull gave The Black Sheep media access to the event, giving us a chance to see what goes on behind the curtain at Crashed Ice. Our tour guide, Claudio Caluori, an ice cross downhill expert, told us a little bit about the track, and what audiences should expect.

The course’s starting drop was the highest in the sport’s short history, with racers able to reach speeds of 40 mph. With the weather being on the cooler side of freezing, the track had to be smoothed more frequently in order to get rid of some major cracks that could potentially trip up athletes. He described the course as fast, but difficult. One of my fellow reporters dubbed one of the gnarlier turns, “Carnage Corner,” and it certainly earned the name. Some portions of the track required power skating to get up a few inclines, and it differed from the track in Niagara in that there were fewer obstacles (course layouts are different in every city).

Many of those who competed in the race were either professional hockey players, or professional speed skaters. Now, although backgrounds such as these are not necessary to be able to compete, Claudio did say that having downhill skills are definitely a plus. When asked how racers prepare for a race like this, Claudio responded that most practice on regular ice rinks, but there are some Euro training tracks. He also confessed to seeing more than a few makeshift backyard tracks in his days associated with this event.

Although the sport remains relatively young, Claudio expects to see growth in its popularity, especially here in the old U.S. of A. Now we’re not talking Olympics yet, but it’s certainly not out of the question. With more countries competing and more media coverage, only time will tell. The U.S. could always use another winter game to take gold in.

As was promised, Crashed Ice was an exciting spectacle, and we even got to pull out our “U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A.!” chants as we cheered on the 13 American competitors, 11 of which were Minnesotans, “here here!” Even though Cameron Naasz, the American poster child of the sport, finished third behind the Canadian Croxall brothers, we look forward to next year’s Crashed Ice where there will be much wall bashing, skate tripping, and knee sliding to be had.

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page 10

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love in the time of mardi gras Milo Croyd wrote this The moment I laid eyes on her I knew it could never work. My friends said things like, “Dude, she’s like, way older than you,” and, “She has blood on her lips. Dude, she has blood, like, coming out of her mouth.” And you know what? They were right.

However, nothing could ever stop me from falling in love with my soulmate. My sweet angel woman. My dear Celibacy Roxxxane Storm.

Her breath smelled of the finest cigarettes one could purchase on an escort’s tip salary. Her teeth were like kernels of harvest corn glimmering in the hot October sun. She had a distinguished gait, and walked like nothing in the room could harm her. It must have had something to do with the sizable varicose vein or her long history of reverse-digesting cucumber-sized Lincoln logs every Saturday night. Whatever it was that initially struck me, I knew that Celibacy was my dream woman, and was most definitely the most beautiful woman in all of New Orleans for Mardi Gras 2013.

My friends and I had been partying for three days straight, and had reached the climax of our Mardi Gras experience at a bar called Muriel’s. Unless you were there you wouldn’t believe the amount of beautiful women in attendance. There were beads flying around faster than you can say “Pediculosis Pubis-infected landing strips,” and the liquor seemed to be pouring out of holes in the wall. In the insanity, I found myself thinking one thing: This wasn’t doing anything for me. I needed something more.

After three days of sexual chaos, the standard beautiful woman seemed uninteresting. I needed someone with pizzazz; someone with spice.

My friends and I stayed in the bar until closing. The street we walked on was littered with degenerates and drunks. People were sleeping in the gutter and making love on the sidewalk. To be honest, it made me feel lonely. On our way back to the hotel we passed a hot dog vendor and I ordered myself a foot-long.

I was walking and applying the relish on my monster wiener that I tripped on something in the middle of the street and dropped my hotdog. I initially thought it was a discarded sack of yellow onions, due to the unsettling smell and patches of dirt encompassing it. However, I was proven wrong when the most beautiful face I had ever seen emerged from the sack.

“URGHW! You woke me up you son of a...” The voice stopped as our eyes met. “Y...you woke me up from a most terrible dream, darling, into a much better one. Say, is this your hotdog?”

“Yes gorgeous, it is,” I said as she picked up the hotdog, picked off the glass and band-aids, and put the entire thing into her mouth. “What is the name of this beautiful thing that lies before me?” I asked.

“Storm. Celibacy Roxxxane Storm,” She said with a wink. “Say, you got any glass?” I didn’t hear what she said, as I was lost in her bile-encrusted locks, so I simply responded in the positive.

“Come with me,” she said.

She took me by the hand and led me to an Audi which was parked in a garage. “Is his your car?” I asked.

“Something like that,” she said as she broke the driver-side window with her elbow and unlocked the door. And then we banged.

We did it all. The flying banana spider, the reverse elephant crawl, the upside-down clap-closet tornado, the corn husker, the flaming clam-cave excavation, the Irish mork bonker, the Pasadena mudslide, and I even had a chance to double-dip the jiggle stick.

She opened me up to a world which I never knew existed, and I would be damned if I would let society tell me that this love was forbidden.

As we were cleaning the stick shift I asked her something which had been on my mind the entire time, “Celibacy, will I ever see

you again?”

“Darling,” she replied, “You know that society could never allow this.”

“But...I love you,” I said, tears filling my eyes.

“Oh, Milo. That’s wonderful. Go and love some more,” she said and gave me a kiss. I have not washed that taste of tonsil stones and chewing tobacco out of my mouth.

I never saw her again after that. She told me that somebody named “Big Ray” was going to be very upset if she didn’t leave.

This Valentine’s Day, when all of you are having fun, I will not be going out with a young woman, I will be staying at home, thinking of that one perfect day in New Orleans. Hoping only to happen upon a sack of yellow onions in a couple weeks at Mardi Gras 2013.

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Why wouldn't you want to work somewhere with unlimited koozies and a "pants are optional" policy?

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page 11

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

are you smarter than? emily, a bartender from blarney's

1) Geography: What two contentious countries are separated by the 38th Parallel North?

6) Art: Vincent van Gogh's Starry Night is kept in the Museum of Modern Art, located in this city.

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2) Music: What 1980s hair band scored a huge hit with "Hot for Teacher"?

7) History: This ruler of a great empire is thought to have millions of descendants living today.

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3) Food: What is the primary ingredient in baba ghanoush?

8) Literature: F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby ends with protagonist Nick Carraway rowing towards one of these.

_____________________________________________________ 4) Government: Who is currently the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States?

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9) Technology: RIM or Research In Motion, is most notable for producing this groundbreaking mobile device.

5) TV: What classic TV series purports to be about "nothing"?

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10) Sports: Who is the current coach of the Minnesota Timberwolves. _____________________________________________________

1) North Korea and South Korea 2) Van Halen 3) Eggplant 4) John Roberts 5) Seinfeld 6) New York City 7) Genghis Khan 8) Green light 9) The Blackberry 10) Rick Adelman

correct answers

emily'’s answers 1) Germany and ...

2) Van Something 3) Rice 4) Can I phone a friend? John Roberts!

5) I feel like none of them are about anything.

6) New York 7) Don't Know 8) Rowing toward a better life?

9) Bluetooth? No! Blackberry.

10) Couldn't tell you

emily's score: 3.5/10 correct

the drinking game:

recipe for disaster:

Hockey fans everywhere are boozing hard and celebrating the end of the lockout. At the same time, the bandwagon fans are still asking what a lockout is. Pregaming with some puck guarantees a great night.

Everyone has experienced that awful moment at the pregame when you realize you brought the booze but forgot the chaser. Forget the two liter of Sprite and add some sweet flavor to your cheap, crappy vodka in a different way. Cavity vodka is a great way to get rid of that Burnett’s laying in your freezer you have yet to have the desire to drink or even look at.

What You’ll Need: A fifth and a case for every 2-3 players.

Number of Players: As many as you can find who truly like hockey.

So, not many.

Level of Intoxication: You’ll have a nice buzz on before the last one sounds.

What You’ll Need: A handle of plain Burnett’s or any cheap vodka and a bag of your favorite kind of fruity or sour candies (Skittles, Sour Patch Kids, Mike and Ikes, Starburst).

Cook Time: At least 24 hours. Be patient.

Fatty Factor: Won’t cause you any heart attacks, but you should probably visit your dentist soon.

How To Play: - Take a shot of beer for every offside or icing call.

- Beer bong or shotgun a beer for every fight.

- Chug five seconds for every minute of penalty.

- Take a shot at the end of every period.

- Take a shot of beer for every shot on goal.

- Take a shot for every goal.

- Take two shots for every time the goalie accidentally knocks the puck in.

- Take a shot for every goal your team won or lost by.

Let’s Get Baked: - Place the candy at the bottom of a large container or sort out evenly into smaller containers.

- Pour vodka into the containers over the candy, leaving at least three inches at the top.

- Shake the container well.

- Let the container sit for at least a day; however, you will get better results if you let it sit longer, but no longer than one week.

- Shake the container once in awhile so the candies’ flavors can continue to mix well with the vodka.

- Drink up!

Pregame With Some Puck

The Game Ends When: When the game ends. Duh.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

Cavity Vodka

The only restriction is not to use any chocolate candies.

That’s just gross, man.

Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com

how i met your mother ...on facebook graph search.

Kids, it was winter of 2013, when I met your mother. After a rough night spent at Cindy’s apartment, I knew the girl I was after, but only had a few clues to track her down. Something about the mystery behind your mom enticed me, we were so compatible, yet I had never met her. I knew she lived in New York, and hoped she was single, but nothing else. It’s an impossible feeling to describe – knowing the love of your life is so close, but impossibly far at the same time. Marshall and Lily were blessed to find each other in their youth, but I was growing older and lonelier by the second.

While preparing for yet another night of futile Google and Facebook searches for “Where is the one I love,” “How to avoid being alone forever,” and “I’m all out of love, I’m so lost with out you” Facebook alerted to me to their newest feature: Graph Search. It told me I could find just about anyone based on their interests, who they’re loosely associated with, and where they have been. Kids, there was a light at the end of the tunnel! All I had to do was let Facebook find all the single girls in New York. So, let me tell you how I met your mother…

glow of my laptop dimmed as did my hopes of finding my future wife. Should I stop here, give up my search, and dig out the naked pictures of Robin I stashed away so many years ago?

No! This is the quest for true love. This is the woman I love, the woman who will give me two children, raise them with me until they’re roughly teenagers, then make herself scarce for the next eight years as I tell those children the story of how I met her. She won’t have kids to weigh her down, or an exhusband who will steal her away from me at the altar, and she won’t dress up like a slutty pumpkin and leave me hanging at the same damn Halloween party year after year.

I’ve silently waited around for girls my whole life, been the nice guy, done incredibly creepy things for them that seem romantic because I emphasize words like “future” and “fate.” I had to dig into my inner-Mosby mole. I had to find my one true love.

That’s it! I know what I should do! I should just search what I like, because my future wife will like all the things I expect her to!

Females in New York who are 28, college educated, likes dogs, North Carolina, bass guitar, the New York Times crossword, tennis, old movies, lasagna, Love in the Time of Cholera, Otis Redding, and wants a boy and a girl in the near future.

After sifting through hours worth of girls who just didn’t seem to be the right fit – didn’t feel right in my heart -- I decided I had to narrow it down. But how? How was I ever to find my future wife in the largest city in the world? Then I remembered the three objects I had picked up in Cindy’s apartment in a futile attempt to show her how compatible we were. No longer did I have to find out a person’s interests through actual conversation! No need to hang around local bookstores waiting for a girl to show up and miraculously start proclaiming her love for T.C. Boyle, no need to plan elaborate two minute dates with some girl just to see if they like Star Wars as much as me! All I had to do was lock myself in my room, pop on the perfect song to make an otherwise meaningless moment meaningful, and find my future wife on the computer!

Then, kids, I had a stroke of genius! I added another filter – I’m friends with Cindy and she must be too! So I searched that those girls should be friends, or friends of friends, with Cindy!

So there she was, kids. Facebook had led me to your mother. What was going to be another night of dry-pumping and subsequent crying, turned into the night Facebook found me the perfect woman – one who meets and exceeds my excruciatingly high standards. A woman who won’t like me for me, but will like me because she is me.

How am I supposed to find true love in such a wide pool? I must be able to narrow it down, I must dig deeper. There must be more to my true love than these three simple interests. Surely I’ve been interested in people with personalities that take more than three words to describe? If only I had snapped a picture of her ankle then done a reverse image search - No! Get your head straight Mosby! The

we interview: justin grant wade We caught up with STEVE HOLT!... er, Justin Grant Wade, the actor who play(s/ed?) Steve Holt in the greatest show in history, Arrested Development. We had a few cocktails and the interview ran long, so be sure to check out the extended version online to see who he thinks is funnier: David Cross or Will Arnett, what the set of Greek was like, and if he ever banged Maeby. By: Quinn The Black Sheep: How long were you an actor before you got the role of Steve Holt?

Justin Grant Wade: I started acting after my mom and dad were notified by my baseball coaches (and noticed themselves) how much I was a knucklehead on AND off the baseball field growing up. My mom decided to sign me up for acting class around the age of twelve. It was a summer kids course at the South Coast Repertory. I was terrified at first but then quickly adapted and continued to take classes there for many years. After that, I attended the Orange County High School of the Arts in California. That's where I began to grow and appreciate the arts. I didn't start "professionally" acting, though, until the age of 14 or 15. And by that I mean going out for TV shows and movies, having a manager and agent and whatnot.

TBS: What was the audition process? Did they just ask you to say “Steve Holt!” Or did you have more lines?

JGW: Funny story. Life comes around, man. I got the call from the casting director from Arrested.

They were having trouble casting the role. A casting director that had worked with the casting of Frasier and many other shows I had auditioned for mentioned my name. She had seen me in a production at South Coast Repertory (that's why I never knock theater!). They had already had four or five audition rounds when I showed up. It came down to a short brown haired kid with a mop top, about a 6'5" Asian fellow in a varsity jacket, and me. You could hear everyone’s reading through the walls but of course couldn't see. Pretty much everything you see in “Bringing Up Buster” from season one was read. It seemed as though there wasn't a lot of laughing. I went last.

Six people looking at me. Never met ‘em before that day. All of a sudden I'm doing my read and they're laughing - even after the audition. We said our goodbyes and a LONG 3 days of anticipation later, I had the part. The industry's funny like that.

TBS: What are some projects you're working on right now?

JGW: Right now I'm continuing to audition and keep on acting. I’ve been working on some writing stuff with some buddies of mine. They're in the industry, and kind of all over the place so it's fun to have actors, writers, dp's, directors and producers all coming together to write and they all have something else to bring to the table. But until then, the new Arrested project is a big goal and that's fine with me.

TBS: How did the Save Steve Holt campaign begin, and where has it gone since? Has it been successful?

JGW: I guess I have to start with the latter of the questions. I do know what will be going on with Steve Holt. UNFORTUNATELY, myself, and you included my dear friend Quinn, will be kept from knowing. Think of it as we're the rubber suit guys from American Horror Story and we can't unzip our creepy fetish shit until May. The SSH campaign pretty much began as a joke with my buddy Robert Adamson. He's a fantastic visual/artistic designer and fan of Arrested. He REALLY wanted to get me back on the show at all costs, so he designed the site with our buddy Nick Blancharte. I pretty much sat in the wings while they created t-shirt designs, an entire website, art pieces, business cards, etc... It was crazy.

All of a sudden, I wake up one morning and he's texting me that we've already been in the Huffington Post, CNN, and a bunch others. Our Facebook fans shot from 60 or so to 2,000. The web can be nutty sometimes. None of us expected that. Next thing you know we're shipping t-shirts from AZ to NY to Australia.

TBS: I imagine people constantly shout "Steve Holt" at you, what's the most awkward encounter you've had with a "STEVE HOLT!" fan?

JGW: The funniest would have to be on a treadmill at the gym one time with my gal pal, Brooke.

We were finishing up a good work out and we hear something. She said, "Did someone just yell?" Then we hear it more clearly, “STEVE HOLT!!!!" We turned near the door and there were two dudes with shocked faces that were giggling like little girls. I laughed and waved. They gave me the obligatory "Right on, man!" and quickly bounced.

Brooke then turned to me and asked, "Do you know who that was?!" I said, "I don't know.

Obviously a big fan of the show!" She laughed and said, "Yeah! But that was (some guy I can't remember his name). He's the one that was obsessed with me and asked me to homecoming like 3 years in a row!" I did remember then, and we had a good laugh. Seeing how we went to high school together.

TBS: What was your most memorable on-set moment?

JGW: A few good ones – too many to count though. Definitely having the conversation with Alia [Shawkat]’s mom and Michael Cera's mom before I kissed her daughter. Ali's first kiss EVER was Michael. I was 19 or so at the time, and was watching from the back of the auditorium we were filming in, unbeknownst to me that the lovely parents were sitting in the row directly in front of me. They asked, "And who do you play?" I said, "STEVE HOLT!" They laughed and said, "Oh wow. So YOU'RE the one that'll be kissing my little girl! I'm keepin’ an eye on you!" She was of course kidding (but not really) [laughs]. It went off without a hitch and we all know how the kissing cousins ended up... until the new season.

See his second favorite moment on theblacksheeponline.com! It has to do with David Cross!

the big three

entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.

community Thursday, February 7th at 8pm on NBC

In the 4th season premiere of the cult show that's on the perpetual verge of cancellation, Community is friggin' back! Dean Pelton (Jim Rash) devises a way for students to compete for class space, while Abed (Danny Pudi) stresses about the study group breaking up after graduation. And lucky for us, Chevy Chase is still in the season (save for two episodes)! #SaveCommunity

Side Effects In theaters february 8th

Life is hard, but prescription drugs make it a lot better. When a woman (Rooney Mara) starts taking them to deal with the anxiety of her sexy husband (Channing Tatum) getting released from jail, she realizes that the side effects of said prescription drugs aren't so much fun. Directed by Steven Soderbergh, this film also stars sexy Jude Law and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Sexy, sexy, sexy.

Azealia Banks - Broke with Expensive Taste Out February 12th

Miss Azealia Banks blew up on the Internet last winter with her single "212," making her memorable with her big smile, pearly whites and slick-witted rhymes. She had been relatively silent since then, but is now breaking out with her debut studio album Broke with Expensive Taste. This'll be the test to see if she's more than just a cute girl in a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt spitting raunchy lyrics.

valentine's cards!

As a child it was hard to tell your crush that you "choo-choo-choose" him, or you want her to "bee yours," but that's why there were cheap, perforated pieces of cardboard to do your work for you. As we've grown, our tastes have changed, but our childish demeanors have remained the same.

We wanted these Valentine's Day cards to reflect that.

the madlib: my valentine’s day I may not have a significant other today, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to have a kick-___1___ Valentine’s Day. For me, it’s just another ___2___ or whatever the hell day it even is. I have my own traditions that I don’t need no ___3___ tearin’ up my ___4___ and shit, not to mention my ___5___ .

I start my day like any normal ___6___ -esque badass like myself would start a day, with a ___7___-wrapped ___8___ and a side of ___9___ chips drizzled with ___10___ , and, for dessert, ___11___ and ___12___ pie.

Then I head to my favorite bar, The

___13___ ___14___ . It doesn’t take long before I down a shot or 12 of ___15___ , start groping the ___16___ bartender and shouting on about ___17___ and ___18___ ’s-rights.

I end my morning over to the strip club, The ___19___ ___20___. I always get a dance from my girl ___21___ ___22___ , my precious girl. I rarely make it long at the strip club because I’ve never been good at holding my liquor. Good ole’ bouncer ___23___ who could be ___24___ ’s scarier twin gets me a cab, and I make my way home. I roll a fatty of ___25___ , put on some porn, and spend the rest of my day in heaven. I love Valentine’s Day.

ALL DAY, EVERY DAY

1) Body Part 16) Old Age 2) Weekday 17) Controversial 3) Derogatory Political Topic Female Term 18) Group of 4) Body Part People 5) Vital Organ 19) Color 6) Action Star 20) Ocean 7) Deli Meat Animal 8) Cut of Steak 21) Month 9) Flavor 22) Yoga 10) Dressing Position 11) Exotic Fruit 23) Simple 12) Type of Meat Name 13) Hair Color 24) Famous 14) Nationality Black Actor 15) Fruity 25) Weed Name Liqueur

EVERYTHING IS 2-4-1!

BRAND NEW MENU <> 24 BEERS ON TAP

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