Minnesota - Issue 4 - 2/14

The Black Sheep

f wh ree .. o sit . lik so ec o n th uns e W el as ing hin fr gt om on t Av he g e. u br y idg e.

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 4, Issue 4 2/14/13 - 2/20/13

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Consternation of the college kid Alexandra Adams wrote this So we’re “adults” now. Ha. Seriously. Who even came up with the idea of letting 18 to 21-year-olds fend for ourselves? It’s pretty obvious we can’t. Remember yesterday when you were playing Edward Forty Hands? Of course you don’t. That’s the POINT of Edward Forty Hands (which is not, as popularly believed, a sex toy.) What we’re getting at here, is that college kids have a lot to be freaking out about.

Cooking Edible Food: So you’re not a foodie. You like good steak and appreciate gourmet mac-n-cheese, but there’s no way in hell you can create it. In fact, you were ninety percent sure umami was spelled and pronounced “Oooh. Mommy!” Perhaps you don’t even know what umami is. Unfortunately, the Internet can only do so much for you and your poor culinary instincts. In other words, it’s Duffy’s again tonight.

High School All Over Again: You may have thought you left adolescent misery behind. No more “drama,” no more 8-3 schedule, lots more liquor… College is great. Except for the fact that high school always finds a way to rear its ugly head. That booze-laden text from your senior year ex will be haunting you for days. Same goes for the Skype-sesh with your past buddies. Sure, it’s fun to see your old chums rocking the freshman 15, but it’s best to keep high school as far away from college as possible. That way you won’t go home and drunkenly bang that one guy. If you do, shake it off; you’re a big kid now.

Taxes: Well, shit. You’re majoring in communications for a reason. Math wrinkles your pretty brain. Even TurboTax confuses the Jesus out of you. Why do they call this thing an “EZ” form when it requires centuries of data gathering and hair-pulling? Do yourself a favor: call up Mama or Daddy and beg for guidance.

Oh, and do it SOBER. Making it to 8 a.m. Lecture: Haha! Why did you sign up for this, anyway? You’re kind of asking for it. The last thing you want to do right now is extract your hung-over ass from the warm cocoon of your bed. You’d rather bathe in wasps, dance with an angry leopard, watch ten hours of Whitney (okay, not that last one).

Look at it like this: if you make it to at least half of those classes, you’re winning.

College Loans: By the time you’re a junior and have $60,000 worth of loans, jumping off the Washington Avenue Bridge will become increasingly appealing. But before you do something so brash, just remember… Dear God. You’re basically fucked. We all are. Moving back in with your parents won’t be so bad, right?

Existential Explosion: Maybe you’ve been spending too much time reading Albert Camus. Or maybe this weed is just really good. Regardless: your mind is on a ride. You and your burnout

the Top Ten: College Pranks Stock up on your jello... Dwight and Jim style.

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buds are sitting in a circle on the dorm floor and having a “real” conversation. “What does it mean? What are we doing here?

Why is Brian crying right now?” It’s okay to be afraid of things, even though at the current point in time you don’t know what those things are (much less anything else). Let yourself sink into consideration… but not too far.

What You Did Last Night: Why are you in a dorm hallway right now? Dear god, it’s Middlebrook. First thing’s first: try to avoid wondering, “Which international kid did I bang last night?” and instead run far away (SO far.) When you get home you’ll notice not only that all of your liquor is gone, but also that your face

what'’s inside

A Love Letter to the Lost Hours Paper due in 3 hours? No problem.

This is what you need to do.

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looks like a trashed dance floor. Upon plugging in your iPhone, you find a plethora of selfies, most of which are of people you don’t know. Yeah, putting the puzzle pieces together from last night really IS scary. You best go talk this out with your therapist, Sir Whisky Jameson.

God, all of the above really do suck, and from what we understand things don’t really get better from here. Once they force us out of this arctic paradise it’s all getting paper and not throwing up on real people dates, plus all of the stuff above. No wonder most people never want to leave college.

Career Fair Translations Are you sending the right message to future employers? Or did you show up drunk?

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contents

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

page 4: Life Is Too Long

page 5

We like to repeat that "life is short", but is it really? Tim tells everyone to calm the fuck down.

page 5: The Daily Dilemma: To Skip Or Not To Skip?

Unless you're hungover, it's worth a wellthought analysis of the pros and cons.

Table of

page 6: from the streets If given a time machine, what time period would you travel to?

page 11: Are you smarter than...

Alexandra, our very own Black Sheep writer?

page 12: We Interview: Monica Theiu What, you don't know who the 2012 Jeopardy!

College Champion is? Well now you do!

page 12

page three ! k e e W e h t f o Pic word of the week Bartition:

The four-deep line of people separating you from the bartender.

“Damn this bartition! If I don’t get a gin and tonic pronto I’m going to have to sleep with that uggo sober.”

Meet The Staff campus manager Luis Guitart

marketing manager Nishad Trivedi

Editorial Manager Alyssa Hertig

campus director Brendan Bonham

Advertising Manager Eddie Lund

owner Atish Doshi

Writers McKinley Johnson, Katrina Nicholson Alexandra Adams, Becca Marsnik Tim Krueger, Liandra Sy Gabby Vanden Avond

Founders Luis Guitart, Hannah Comer, Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers,

distribution manager Eddie Lund

Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com

Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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The

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Top 10

theblacksheeponline.com

College Pranks

You’ve seen Dwight and Jim go at it for years. With the series finale fast approaching, it’s our job as The Office generation to carry on the pranking talent of this dynamic duo. Here we go.

10.) Underwhat? Underwear: If your roommate is a male, replace his entire underwear drawer with lacey thongs and crotchless wonders. If she’s a she, boxer-up her wardrobe so she’s all Ugh, pantylines.

9.) Start Some Beef…Hunan: Go to Panda Express or Jamba Juice or one of the other university fast food stands and order something that does not exist. “Hello Starbucks barista, I would like a bacon cheeseburger with a side of nacho pickles, please.”

8.) She’ll Finally Crack(er): Swap the bags of your roommate’s snacks i.e. put the Cheese Nips in the Wheat Thins box. Maybe it’ll take him a while to notice, and then he’ll have to go exercise once he’s realized that his snack wasn’t actually as healthy as he thought. Yeah, you totally got him to better himself, what a sucker that dude is.

Life Is Too Long

Tim Krueger wrote this

At some point in our lives, we’ve all been told the mother of all clichés: “life’s too short.” We often use the saying as a motivator to move past something, whether a grudge you’ve been holding against your roommate for an intentional cock-block, or for eating the last slice of leftover Mesa pizza. Other times we use it to conjure up the courage to do something that is extremely stupid, like flashing the Jimmy John’s delivery man in front of a swarm of people at a party. You can use the phrase in whichever way you fancy, but is life really as short as we lead ourselves to believe?

The average American lifespan is 78 years (2.5 more for females, props to the ladies). Now granted, many of you may fall off by the wayside before reaching the national average (developing an alcohol dependency between the ages of 18 and 22 will do that to a person). Although we can’t speak for everyone, we’re going to anyway. 28,489.5 days is a long-ass time (yes, leap years included). At our young age; however, we sometimes fail to see the big picture.

Some of us will spend the nights filling up our cups, while others will spend them under pale fluorescent lighting. When pushed to the extreme in either case, these 4 years will feel like a snapshot, and our Facebook walls will have the pics to prove it.

7.) Fry Jockey 4 Lyfe: Apply for the world’s crappiest jobs on behalf of your roommate.

Then, when McDonald’s calls her for an interview, convince her that she applied online when she was drunk and it would only be polite to show up. Ask her to pick you up a Shamrock Shake when she’s done.

6. ) The Ole’ Penis Disease Chat: Pick a moderately uncomfortable topic and talk about it loudly on the Campus Connector. This is best to do around noon when it’s standing room only and everyone is all up in everyone else’s business. Believe us, that poor Econ student needs some good gossip about your “new strain of crabs that are easily spreadable and just won’t die.”

5.) Go Fork Yourself: At dinner, take all the silverware for your own use. Believe us, people are generally pretty happy to eat their stir-fry by the handful, rather than just asking you for a fork. That’s what they get for not learning to use chopsticks, anyway.

4.) Listen to This Shit: Sit down and pound out the worst sounds possible on the Coffman piano. It’ll prove to the afternoon-nappers that there are much better places to sleep, and will send those uppity music majors into a tizzy. Don’t you know your scales, man!?!

3.) Paging Dr. Pepperoni: Order a pizza to one of your lectures under the professor’s name. If the professor has a sense of humor, he will just buy the pizzas and you’ll get free food. Or there’s always the chance that he or she will turn it in to a lesson. Philosophy lecture on the ethics of prank phone calls? You’re entering useful territory here.

2.) Penny Pincher: Strategically place pennies around your apartment where your roommate will find them. Every day, increase the number of pennies. After a few weeks, begin hiding them in places in which pennies are not normally found, i.e. his folded socks and in his textbooks. Once he starts going crazy, solidify one in a bar of soap.

So what’s the key to squeezing every last drop out of your college years? Yet another cliché: moderation. Blitzing too hard will make you blackout, and studying too much will make you pass out. College is not the time to “live it up” or “study hard.” It’s the time to live easy and self-reflect. There is no point in our lives where we will be allowed the independence and reserve for responsibility as we do right now—unless you got married and had kids at 20; in that case, uh, sorry. But for the rest of us, our lives are so easy that we almost instinctively feel the need to create stress out of thin air. “OMG did you hear what Alex said last night? I am so pissed!” To think that we actually have something to complain about at this point in our lives is utter insanity. We should all heed the words of Fight Club, and allow ourselves “the ability to let that which does not matter truly slide.”

For all you stress factories out there -- stop boiling your blood. Your time here, although limited, is not short. It is how we use our time that will ultimately determine the speed at which it seems to go. Take advantage of your college years, and invest your time towards understanding and developing yourself. Life is one continual process, so the earlier you know yourself, the more time you will have to succeed. Don’t feel like you need to cram 78 years of living into just these 4 (or 5, or 7). It’s a hopeless cause, and if you do, more often than not, you’ll find yourself wasting them on things that sustain your stimulus addiction, and your constant desire for instant gratification. Use college as a launch pad for the “real world” and you’ll know what to expect.

Life doesn’t have to gradually get harder. It should get easier. Just as a raging boner must return to a flaccid state, so must life. What we mean to say is don’t OD on the Viagra pill of life. It’s painful, and you’ll most likely die with your head in a gutter somewhere. Life’s a gutter.

We have all come to this university for different reasons, but one thing should ring true for us all. We are here working for a purpose that will support and lead us to a long and fulfilled life.

Provided that you listen to your inclinations, and have a passion for what you are doing, we promise that life will not pass you by. Life is short only for those who live it without direction.

1.) Bill Cosby, Son: If the above 9 things were not good enough you can always put someone’s school supplies in Jell-O. Classic.

Gabby Vanden Avond wrote this

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The Daily Dilemma: To Skip or Not to Skip Liandra Sy wrote this

To Minnesotans, February heralds the brunt end of winter. You know... the twenty feet of snow, subarctic temperatures, and other harrowing conditions pushing against your threshold for survival.

But who are we kidding? We're Minnesotans. Inhospitable tundra?

No biggie. We'll live, barely, but we'll live. Let's also not forget that February marks the passing of Syllabus Week and the torrential deluge of academia-related stress. We college students have even more trials and tribulations to face as we plunge deeper into spring semester.

Stress stems from the inability to cope. The inability to cope stems from the shell-shocking realization that you signed up for more than you can handle. To make room for these things, you often have to make GPA-changing decisions which go against the moral compass you naively established as a New Year's resolution. So what do you do? Play it Skyrim style: make room in your inventory and get rid of some junk for more valuable ones. Translated: skip class and get that paper done! While you're at it, let the lean, mean Skipping Check-List machine ease your conscience. (DISCLAIMER: Please read responsibly) 1.) Identify the situation: Like any good CPR exercise, you have to analyze your surroundings, identify the situation, and weigh the pros and cons. Unlike any good CPR exercise, you have at least 30 minutes before your class starts. Ask yourself the following: what do I need to get done? How much time will it take me? What does my schedule look like today? If you have a 20-page lab report due 1:00 p.m., see what your morning schedule looks like and immediately single out classes/lectures you can afford to miss.

2.) Check your singled-out-classes' attendance policy: Some courses have lenient rules in regards to attendance. Some courses

don't even take attendance. It's important to know what you're risking, or if there's any risk at all. So you have an 8:00 a.m. lecture of 100 kids and the professor doesn't take attendance. Great, sounds ideal. Skip that one.

However, whatever works in theory doesn't always play out in reality. What if the professor conducts sporadic pop quizzes or in-class short answer questions as their attendance policy? Double check how big of an impact it is to your overall course grade. If missing one pop quiz accounts for 2% of your final grade compared to the lab you procrastinated, which accounts for 20%... well, you get it.

3.) Call for back-up: You're not off the thin ice in the dark woods yet. A flexible attendance policy can't fully justify the situation, and just because you're cutting your losses doesn't mean there's nothing salvageable. Check to see if you can email/text/call anyone from your list of singled-out-classes. Ask for notes or a heads-up for potential assignments. Depending on the depth of your friendship, maybe you can even ask them to do some dirty work for you (writing down your name on the attendance sheet, forging your handwriting to answer a short-answer for you, just to name a couple). However, keep your priority in mind and don't ask for too much. A simple need-to-know prognosis will suffice.

NOTE: It is crucial to emphasize how infrequent your dependence on back-up will be. Nobody likes being used, especially by an irresponsible student who isn't putting in as much effort as they are in class. Just confess to your friend your reasons for playing hooky and your willingness to be their back-up if the need arises. A friend in need is a friend indeed.

4.) Get your shit done!: You found a way around the attendance policy, you have back-up; what more do you need? It's time to hyper-focus on the task and ignore all else in the world. If you usually take 20-minute showers, cut it by half. Being timely so you can finish in a timely manner is essential. Skipping your class is like sacrificing a pawn in chess -- it's not detrimental but it's a sacrifice that should not go to waste. Put a check on your procrastination and get your shit done.

From the Streets

[PartyPics]

Got a question you want us to ask?

FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

If given a time machine, what time period would you travel to?

"Probably the 20s. I'd like to go back to medieval times, but I wouldn't want to spend more than a day there. I'd probably get the plague." - Christine, Sophomore

"I want to go back to the 90's."

- Aly, Sophomore

"I want to go back to being 3."

- Mike, Senior

send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)

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A Love Letter to the Lost Hours:

All-Nighters Done Right

umn staff wrote this We all love sleep, but we have these things called classes (whatever those are), that keep us from getting that 8 hour lift. To top that off we’ve also got all this bullshit homework that was due like, four hours ago. In high school, “homework” meant five minutes of research and a two-page summary of a book that satisfies your teacher’s sneaking suspicion that you just read SparkNotes on The Old Man and the Sea. Now, though, “homework” means checking the SparkNotes AND cross-referencing the work with Wikipedia. And, if it’s one’a them popular books, watching the movie adaptation. Who has time for that? We have the pleasure of being in college surrounded by parties, concerts, women, men, and pure procrastination that keeps us from actually being able to get to our homework done in good time.

Although all-nighters have always had their appeal, their necessity has skyrocketed.

So you woke up, skipped classes, went to the bar, and finished up a successful day of sledding with post-Valentine’s Day chocolate sales. Now that cold hand of doubt slaps you across the face. Your macroeconomics paper is due tomorrow morning, at 8 a.m.. Grab hold of your computer chair and a bottle of pinot noir. Most importantly, hold on to that doubt. By the end of the night you’ll understand. What you’re going to need for this is a few tools: The classic fuck-it attitude: Without this you’ll just be another one of those helpless know-italls who signed up for 19 credits and burned out at 3 p.m. This is like a bullet-proof vest, so when that first wave of doubt hits you can just shake it off and keep on running strong.

A good soundtrack: Not only will this keep your fingers flying to the beat, but it will also put you in a haze of confidence. The alternative is to sit there crying to the taps of your keyboard, accompanied by the snores of your roommate and dull nagging of "you won’t make it" coming from the back of your head.

Food: Yeah, snacks are great, but you’re going to be a big kid and order a damn meal. Just think of how jealous your roommate will be when they smell a greasy bag from Five Guys, or see a box from Crescent Moon; lord forbid there’s a bit of Bun Mi lying around. You need the energy! This is your time!

Denial (of your shitty situation): This is absolutely necessary. Without this tool you will end up locked in your closet covered in stamps, wild-eyed, speaking gibberish and pouring Fritos down your mouth until your poor roommate finds you. So find a happy place.

Hope for a better tomorrow: Well, tomorrow you’ll have all this bullshit taken care of, so you can get back to living the degenerate life you’ve grown to love.

Drinks: Hey no one’s judging, if you like to rock a 12-pack of juice boxes on your all-nighter go right ahead, but everyone knows the greatest writers were frighteningly alcoholic -- embrace your darker nature!

Good luck on that term paper, next time you’re down in the dumps of a 4-hour bender after a night out partying, you know where to look. We know you. We know how to solve your problems.

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Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks!

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SATURDAY 2/16

Closed

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Closed

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WED. 2/20

Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks!

All You Care to Drink (8-Close) $6 Domestic Drafts, $10 Domestic Drafts and Rail drinks, $2 Kami-quila shots Late Night Happy Hour 8-11PM

$4 Domestic Tall Boys, $3 Sauza Tequila shots, $3 Any Flavor Bacardi Drinks Late Night Happy Hour 8-11PM

$4 House Margaritas - any flavor! $2 Rail Drinks , $3 Any Pint $4 Any BIG Draft

(excluding Chimay, Matilda & Big Eddy)

Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks!

2 for Thursday! 10pm - Close 2 for 1 Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails & Calls $2 & $3 Shots: 10pm - Close

$2.25 Rails/Select Bottles/Drafts: 3pm - 6pm

page 10

theblacksheeponline.com

Career Fair Translations tbs staff wrote this It's career fair season here at the U of M. For many of us, this can be a stressful time, presenting the working world's most frustrating conundrum: You need an internship so you can get job experience, but you need job experience to get an internship. There's often a disconnect between what actually happens at a career fair and how the recruiter responds. Sometimes they're impressed, sometimes they're disinterested, and sometimes they find a polite way to say, "Not in a million elevator pitches." Here's a guide that will help you interpret the strange happenings at your career fair and if a successful career is in your future.

NO EYE CONTACT What It Actually Means: You're terrified. Everyone's told you how important this moment is, and you're just about ready to shit your pants in terror.

What the Recruiter Thinks: You lack confidence and you'll never be a leader in this industry. some eye contact What It Actually Means: You're off to a good start. Just remember to smile, and the person will probably think you're friendly and trusthworthy.

What the Recruiter Thinks: You haven't blown it … yet.

And get that dumb smile off your face. You look stupid. unbreakable stare What It Actually Means: You're overcompensating because you're terrified. This isn't the bedroom; you're not trying to make up for lack of penis length. Relax.

What the Recruiter Thinks: You have a sex dungeon, and I am completely unaroused. gpa lower than 3.0 What It Actually Means: Your grades aren't bad. It's good that you have the confidence to talk to recruiters and battle against other students who are way out of your league.

What the Recruiter Thinks:You're not qualified. Transfer

to art school while you still have time. gpa between 3.0 and 3.5 What It Actually Means: Your grades are good. You're average, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

What the Recruiter Thinks: You're not qualified. Do you event want to be here? gpa between 3.5 and 4.0 What It Actually Means: Your grades are great, and you should be proud of your accomplishments.

What the Recruiter Thinks: You're not qualified … and you're a nerd. Don't you have any other hobbies? dressed in sweatpants and bedhead What It Actually Means: You're sleepwalking again. Go see a doctor.

What the Recruiter Thinks: You'd fit right in at Google.

When can you start? dressed in suit and tie What It Actually Means: You've got your shit together, and you're ready to work.

What the Recruiter Thinks: You lack a unique sense of individuality, and you'll never be a leader in this industry. dressed in Pink tux with matching cane, monocle, gloves, and tophat What It Actually Means: You're an escaped mental patient and need to return this all to Salvation Army right away.

What the Recruiter Thinks: You're an escaped mental patient or attempting to channel your inner Prince. Either way, no. missing the phone interview What It Actually Means: You were up all night celebrating the fact that you landed a phone interview.

What the Recruiter Thinks: Drat, I really thought you would be a perfect fit.

CONVEYING EXCITEMENT, AMBITION AND EXPERIENCE DURING THE PHONE INTERVIEW What It Actually Means: You conveyed the ability to hold a conversation without making a sexist, racist, or otherwise inappropriate comment.

What the Recruiter Thinks: You still haven't blown it … yet. Maybe I'll check your Facebook page to dig up some dirt. losing connection halfway through phone interview What It Actually Means: You're screwed. Unreliable phone conection in the 21st century? What the hell is your problem?

What the Recruiter Thinks: Did you just hang up? You're going to be a leader in this industry. When can you start? giving thoughtful and intelligent answers during in-person interview

What It Actually Means: You just crushed it. There's nothing else you can do now but sit and wait for the job offer.

What the Recruiter Thinks: You don't have experience with Java, C, C++, and PHP. Don't expect to hear from us. taking 5 shots to realx before the in-person interview What It Actually Means: You're an alcoholic who follows advice from your dumbest friend. You better pray it doesn’t smell or that you don't slur your words.

What the Recruiter Thinks: You were so unphased by my rigorous questioning, I would've given you the job if you didn't puke on my shoes. calling the male interviewer 'dad' during the in-person interview What It Actually Means: You blew it.

What the Recruiter Thinks: Ha! I knew you would blow it!

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page 11

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

are you smarter than?

Alexandria, a The Black Sheep Writer

1) Literature: Titus Andronicus is a major theatrical work by this playwright.

6) Politics: There are three major political parties in the United Kingdom; name one.

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

2) Math: What is the fourth number in Pi?

7) TV: During the Super Bowl, this company ran a commercial which featured Paul Harvey noting that "God made a farmer."

_____________________________________________________ 3) Biology: This type of reproduction takes place when an offspring arises from a single parent. _____________________________________________________ 4) Geography: South America's southermost point is in this country. _____________________________________________________ 5) History: Within a million years, when did the dinosaurs go extinct? _____________________________________________________

8) The solar system: This is the sixth planet from the sun. _____________________________________________________ 9) Sports: How many Super Bowls have ended in a tie? _____________________________________________________ 10) Online: On Twitter, what does "#FF" stand for? _____________________________________________________

1) William Shakepeare 2) 3.141 3) Asexual Reproduction 4) Chile 5) 65 Million Years Ago 6) Labour Party, Liberal Democratic Party, Conservative and Unionist Party 7) Dodge 8) Saturn 9) Zero 10) Follow Friday

correct answers

_____________________________________________________

the drinking game:

alexandria's answers 1) Uh, Shakespeare!

2) 3.141 3) Either asexual or mitosis... asexual.

4) Don't know 5) When a meteor hit the Earth?

6) Uh, Labour Party?

7) Dodge 8) Earth?

9) None 10) Not sure... maybe like... I don't know.

alex's score: 6/10 correct

recipe for disaster:

task master

Hot Dog and Egg Sandwiches

Truth or Dare was a highlight of middle school sleepovers. However, the one thing that was missing at the time was copious amounts of alcohol (unless you went to cool kid parties). Task Master takes Truth or Dare and makes it better by adding alcohol and removing the Truth part, because that was always for pussies.

Many times the secret to creativity lies in using what is available to you.

Many of us would love to cook complex dinners using a variety of spices and meats, but that is often too expensive, and we are often too drunk or tired or stoned or lazy or all of those. Here is a simple recipe using only food that are mainstays in the college student kitchen

What You’ll Need: Alcohol!

Number of Players: As many brave souls as you can acquire.

Level of Intoxication: That all depends on how wiling you are to humiliate yourself.

What You’ll Need: Hotdogs, eggs, cheese, bread.

Cook Time: 5-10 minutes.

Fatty Factor: Deliciously incapacitating.

How To Play: - Designate a person in the group to be the first Task Master. This can be done by choice, rock, paper, scissors, odds-evens, whatever.

- The Task Master then assigns a task (dare) to another player in the group.

- If the person fails their task, the must drink half of their drink. If the person refuses to do a task, they must finish their drink.

- When a person completes a task, everyone takes a social drink, and the person who completed the task becomes the new Task Master.

The Game Ends When: Everyone is too ashamed of themselves to make eye contact.

It only takes one person to change this game from a light-hearted prank fest to a full on molest-a-thon, so choose your participants carefully.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

Let’s Get Baked: - Start off by throwing some bread in the toaster. If you don’t have a toaster, a microwave might work. Don’t quote us on that, we’re not Gordon Ramsay.

- Cut up a few hotdogs into thin slices and throw them on a frying pan.

- Beat some eggs and throw those on the same frying pan. If you haven’t noticed yet, this recipe involves a lot of throwing.

- Scramble the eggs along with the hotdog slices until the eggs are cooked.

- Remove the toast from the microwave, put the eggs and hotdogs on the toast, and throw some cheese on it. If your arm is still feeling good, try throwing some hot sauce on it too.

If there’s one thing better than scrambled eggs, it’s scrambled eggs with hot dogs in it. And if there’s one thing that’s better than scrambled eggs with hotdogs in it, it’s scrambled eggs with hotdogs in it with cheese on top. And if there’s one thing better than that, it’s sex. But…but why are we so alone?

Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com

seth macfarlane's oscar monolouge Good evening, and welcome to the 2013 Academy Awards! You know, when they asked me to host this year I said, “Sure, it should be easier than that time I hosted SNL and the ghost of Florence Nightingale put a frozen banana in my butt!” Anyway, I’m sure you’re all more excited to get this over with than John Madden’s colon after he mistook three pounds of pepper jack cheese for a rotisserie chicken!

Now, if you haven’t seen the lovely Anne Hathaway -- where are you Anne? Beautiful, didn’t she and James do a great job last year? It was a meeting of ugly and stoned meets elegance and beauty, like when George R.R. Martin wanders onto a multiple-blowjob scene in Game of Thrones.

Let’s start with a look at the Actor in a Leading Role candidates - we’ve got a manic depressive, a bipolar, two drunks, and a former inmate. Boy, sounds like a Monday night at Robert Downey Jr.’s house.

It’s been a tight race for Actor in a Leading Role. Bradley Cooper, of course, did a wonderful job capturing a tortured bipolar man. But boy, audiences haven’t been faced with that much spousal abuse since Rihanna told Chris Brown he missed a button.

Speaking of Silver Linings Playbook, Jennifer Lawrence is an amazing actress up for an award.

Even now, though, the talk about Jennifer isn’t as much about how she’s a great actress, it’s about how comfortable she is in her own skin. No offense, Jennifer, but most people would be pretty comfortable in a 22-year-old woman. Only Roman Polanski would say that it’s too loose of a fit.

Probably the biggest discussion of a film’s ability to make its audience think surrounded Kathryn Bigelow’s Zero Dark Thirty, and the message it sends about torture. Namely, that being waterboarded is more pleasant than sitting through all of Beasts of the Southern Wild.

In "massive buyout of a failing organization news", this year George Lucas sold Star Wars to Disney. The news only got better when Walt Disney himself awoke from his cryogenic state to design the Jewish version of Jar Jar Binks himself. [Evil voice] “Yes, his name is Jewba the Hutt and he wants to melt C-3PO and ruin America’s economy.”

This year a lot of people thought Paul Thomas Anderson’s The Master would receive a nomination for Best Picture. Those people were wrong, and his Scientology allegory didn’t get the nod.

If you ask me, no story about a dead, invisible entity loved by many has been snubbed that hard since Manti T’eo’s spec script for My Real-Life-I-Swear-To-God-She Exists Girlfriend: A Love Story was passed over by Harvey Weinstein.

Speaking of closeted homosexuals who preach love for invisible weirdos, Tom Cruise couldn’t make it this evening. When Katie Holmes’ lawyer told him he would have to take care of Suri tonight, he was more disappointed than when his agent let him know he’d be starring in Jack Reacher, not Jack Reach-Around.

There was another snub this year too, a little movie named Ted that wasn’t put up for any awards.

If you ask me, it was the best film of the year, and not just because I made millions of dollars from it. It’s also because I’ve made millions and millions of dollars for it. I haven’t seen a joke that selfreferential since the last twenty years of Al Pacino’s career.

And how about Life of Pi? Life of Pi is up for Best Picture this year. Good thing Bruce Vilanch hasn’t seen it, around him a Pi’s life is what? 20 minutes, tops?

Everyone knows what a treat Daniel Day-Lewis is, especially when he’s working on another personality. Audiences everywhere felt like they were looking at Abraham himself, but one thing he failed to capture with Lincoln, was honest Abe’s wellknown habit of parading around the White House dressed as a John Wilkes Booth’s wife and offering “moral oral” to everyone in sight - that was Booth’s motivation.

He wasn’t against Lincoln’s policy, he just thought he was a jerk!

Of course the indomitable Denzel Washington, great to have him here tonight.

Denzel is the predominant race educator of our times. In 1992 as Malcolm X he taught us that success by any means necessary is still success, and in 2001 he taught us that King Kong was actually a large black man, not an ape. Well, he’s at it again this year with Flight, showing us that even when a black guy saves a hundred lives, it’s only after he shows up late and unprepared for work.

And hey, what do you know? That brings us to our first award of the night. Here to present the award for Best Adapted Screenplay is James Franco in a dress. I haven’t seen someone this comfortable in the opposite sex’s clothes since...James Franco hosted the Oscars last year.

we interview:

monica theiu, 2012 jeopardy! college champion

THIS! IS! AN INTERVIEW WITH THE 2012 JEOPARDY! COLLEGE CHAMPIONSHIP WINNER, MONICA THIEU! Now a student at Stanford University, last year she steamrolled her competition to win a cool $100,000. She’ll be participating in the Jeopardy!

Tournament of Champions, airing February 15th. Sure, she may know Chopin’s “Minute Waltz” is in D flat major, but does she know how to love? By: Brendan TBS: Why did you want to be on Jeopardy! so badly?

Monica: I did quiz bowl stuff in high school, I’ve always known random crap, but I didn’t really know it was useful until high school.

Then I was like, “You can win stuff for knowing shit? That’s great!” With Jeopardy!, I like being on TV, and I thought it would be something fun to do.

TBS: What did you do to study between learning to be on the show and arriving on set?

Monica: There’s a website online that archives old games with transcripts with old questions and answers. I went back and mined it for questions and answers, comparing the questions they ask with things I know and things I don’t. Hopefully, I would only be studying the things I really needed to study.

TBS: Before you’re on the show do you meet your competitors?

Monica: We didn’t get to meet the people on the show until we spent time in the green room. There’s actually a lot of time that we’re there that we’re not taping, and the two days we spent together brought us pretty close. Being on something like Jeopardy! brings people together. It’s not that I didn’t want to win, but if I have to beat you, I’m really sorry.

TBS: Everything is taped in a two-day span?

Monica: Yes. They tape five shows a day over the course of two days.

TBS: In your downtime did you go do anything else non-Jeopardy! related?

Monica: On the first day the people who taped before us had the opportunity to go eat in the Sony Pictures employee cafeteria.

Since I taped on the fifth show out of five we had to stay in the green room, because talking with people outside of it might affect the way we play, and they can’t have that. On the second day I watched the two games being played. During lunch we had to stay in the employee cafeteria, I think they were afraid we’d go and blab the results out.

TBS: There’s a pretty big stretch of time between the show taping and the show airing. How did you keep your win a secret?

Monica: I told a couple of people, and it leaked out. The intent is, you’re supposed to keep mum about the results until it happens.

TBS: What’s different between watching it on TV and playing in the studio?

Monica: When you’re watching the show, you don’t realize how much it’s a buzzer-based game, as opposed to an answers-based game. Sure, there may be some answers a contestant might not know, but so much of it was I knew the answer, but I was too slow on the buzzer. So often people would say, “How come you didn’t get that?” and I knew the answer, but another contestant beat me to getting there.

TBS: What percentage of questions did you know? What percentage did you answer?

Monica: I'd be confident answering 80% to 85%, and another 5% I could make a good guess. There were a few categories where I didn’t know anything.

TBS: What percentage of the questions did you get in on?

Monica: Not that many. Maybe half of the questions I knew? That’s a very generous estimate; I was not very good on the buzzer.

TBS: In turn, did you ever try to get in not knowing what the answer was?

Monica: Sometimes you’d see the question and you think you can figure out in the five seconds they give you the answer, then you realize you can’t.

TBS: When they go to a judge for a clarification, is that TV magic? Or is it really like a 2-second call on their part?

Monica: Totally [TV magic]. None of my games had a pause when judges were reconsidering answers, but they’ll reevaluate a question during a commercial break. One of the times I was watching, it was a half hour break as the judges debate.

TBS: What question were you proudest of answering?

Monica: I’m not sure there’s a question I’m proudest of answering. I got all of the Final Jeopardy! questions correct, so I guess I’m proud of that. A couple of those were well-placed guesses. A lot of Jeopardy is a game of educated guessing. If you’re good enough to connect the dots, you can figure it out.

TBS: What is Alex Trebek like?

Monica: He’s a character, though we didn’t have as much time to spend with him as I thought we were going to. Basically, he’ll come out for the game, and then leave immediately to change for the next game and whatnot. We had promo photos with him, though. He’s a nice guy, but he’ll sass the audience sometimes during the commercial breaks.

TBS: The constant interviews seem miserable. They are, right?

Monica: Dude, they’re the worst! I wish we didn’t have to do them. I hate watching other peoples’ contestant interviews, I hated my own contestant interviews. It’s the most awkward part of the show, can we just not do this? Sometimes Alex will make a quip or innuendo and you’ll be like, “All right Alex, you go do that.”

TBS: So how has winning this changed things for you?

Monica: I’ve only had a few people recognize me in public, like at McDonald’s. Otherwise, it’s just funny when I have to explain to people that I was on Jeopardy! , they’ll be star struck for like, one minute. For the most part my life hasn’t been super different.

TBS: $100,000 isn’t too bad, though.

Monica: Oh, no no no. But taxes.

Credit: Jeopardy! Productions

the big three

entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.

safe Haven IN Theaters february 14th

If you are one of those girls, you can drag your stoner boyfriend to see Safe Haven, a Nicholas Sparks drama about a small town boy and girl who fall in love with each other (we actually didn't read the description, but this has got to be what it's about). Have your man treat you to a fancy entree at P.F. Chang's afterwards and, boom, you'll forget all about that boyfriend who left you on Valentine's Day.

die hard In theaters february 14th

Or, if you're the douchebag dumper, grab an emotional doormat off the street to see Die Hard, the fifth installment of the Bruce Willis action film about fighting and stuff. Afterward, treat her to a salad from Applebee's and some flowers from your local grocery store, and get excited for 20-minutes of average sex at your place.

It's all about love.

ridiculousness Thursday, February 14th at 10pm on MTV

Or, if you are one of those couples, you can cozy up on the couch to catch the third season premiere of the viral video clip show Ridiculousness. Grab a few bottles of wine, order some pizza, and laugh and laugh and laugh at guys getting hit in the junk and getting humped by dolphins. Maybe a b.j. on the couch will happen during commercials, because you two can be so crazy sometimes!

the crossword: wild animals Across 3) You and this animal sleep up to 14 hours a day, makes sense that we’re pseudo related.

7) This king can grow to 5.5 meters.

8) They only ever have perfect, identical quadruplets.

9) Just like your stoner roommate, this eats all types of food.

10) Keeps you on pins and needles.

11) A seven deadly sin, and you on Sunday.

12) All of these bears are lefthanded.

13) A herd of these are called a “blessing,” and they truly are

one.

15) U. Wisconsin mascot.

18) Drunk sailors once thought these were mermaids.

19) No, man, you’re not tripping; these animals have rectangular pupils.

20) These guys walk on their knuckles to protect their long claws.

Down 1) Is it black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?!

2) Rudolph’s favorite fruit.

4) Girls will be a sexy this on Halloween.

5) Hay, why the long face?

6) Their skin is protected by pink sweat, which isn’t a line of Victoria’s Secret clothes.

11) A tomato-juice bath usually doesn’t even get rid of this animal’s smell.

14) A 40+ hot woman.

16) Cartman’s vigilante character, the real name.

17) A big ole’ saltwater cow.

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