The Black Sheep
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 5 • 2/21/13 - 2/27/13
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The Hose Beast:
A Transformative Creature from the Beyond Tim Krueger wrote this There are cries heard at night which are at first unrecognizable to the human ear, but when caught a second time, they start to possess a quality that is so remarkable you will shudder. These hollers of horror howl from the mouths of beasts that travel about relatively unnoticed. This is because the beast is transformative. It hides behind the soft eyes and jovial laughter of its host. It disguises itself with button-ups and pencil skirts. But in the dark hollows of the night when Jägerbombs are stirred, the beast slowly creeps from its cage, hijacks its host, and assumes control over all motor functions. It is insidious in character, and destructive in its ways. It is, the Hose Beast. The Hose Beast is an extraordinary specimen in that its host bears no mark which foretells of a possible transformation. The dormancy of its nature makes it nigh impossible to know whether a person could make the turn. However, there are signs and behaviors that can warn of an oncoming change. These behaviors vary between sexes, but there is some overlap. It is vital that you spot these signs soon so that you have enough time to escape the Hose Beast’s radial chaos. Before expounding on the signs of an oncoming turn, it is important to note that alcohol is the catalyst to any transformation. It is the Hose Beast’s manna in a desert of sobriety. If you know that someone in your party is a Hose Beast, be sure to moderate their alcohol consumption. We will first begin with the female Hose Beast. She starts out as a shy and timid creature, butting in and out of conversations, and joining in the group’s laughter. As more alcohol is consumed, she will become more vocal. This is the social period. During this period she will hone in on a target, and drag him or her further from the group until the target is isolated. Once she is alone with the target, she will divulge her relationship issues, her take on the Kardashian clan, and other tales of the ilk. As she sees her victim become more and more enchanted, her voice will grow boisterous and her eyes turn a veiny red. At this point the charmed victim will finally grasp the dire situation, but it will be too late—the transformation is seconds from completion. The Hose Beast will then rise up, exit the place of isolation, and reconvene with the group to unleash all kinds of hell. She will desire shots of the strongest liquor, and those who do not partake will be called “pussies” and words of the like. Immediately after the shots, she will grab hold of her victim, leading them off into the night where mayhem will soon ensue. Take heed of her tactics. Avoidance is the best line of defense against the Hose Beast.
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Next: the male Hose Beast. He will begin his night in a manner that is opposite to that of the female. He is an esteemed socialite. You will see him cracking jokes, sipping drinks, and performing impressions. However, there will come a point in the night when his alcohol level prevents him from being able to stand upright. Throwing his arm around the shoulders of a person, he will lean on them to offset the over encumbering weight. This is his chosen victim. He will then ask his victim to have seat with him to discuss the matters of a high profile case. This, however, is only a coaxing method. Once the victim has been lured, the soon-to-be Hose Beast will attempt to bestow some profound wisdom unto his victim. He words will be jumbled and his meaning lost. Unable to keep his victim’s attention, he will pound his fists in a fit of rage. This will cue a rush of adrenaline,
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and the transformation will be complete. Like Mr. Hyde 2.0, he will tear doors off their hinges, challenge others to wrestling matches, and bark uncontrollably. The surrounding walls will be suffocating for the Hose Beast, and he will break out by any means necessary. Every night the Hose Beasts roams the streets in search of parties to crash, and brawls to start. It is still unknown as to how the Hose Beast chooses its host, or if those who carry it are predisposed. Whatever the case may be, the Hose Beast is no mythic creature and can hole up inside even the purest of hearts. So know these signs, and distance yourself from the beast before it’s too late. There is no cure, and it cannot be stopped.
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