The Black Sheep
FR ho EE. me .. Li co ke mi no ng t v kin ot g ing &q f ue or en !
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 3, Issue 5 10/4/12 - 10/10/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_umn
Battle of the Banks: East vs. West Shannon Ryan wrote this
Hide yo’ kids, and hide yo’ wives. A showdown is brewing ‘round these parts, and shit’s about to get real. It’s like there’s a fire starting in our hearts, reaching a fevered pitch and it’s bringing us out the dark. Well, not actually, but Adele’s lyrics always seem to be applicable, and given the shit show about to go down, they most definitely are. This week’s agenda reads battle of the banks, and it’s not between TCF and US. It’s the East vs. the West. We’ve done some dangerous – too dangerous to go into detail – undercover research to gather the answers you wanted to know, and the winner was barely there, beating the opposing team by the slimmest of margins. Nonetheless, you know what they say: a winner is a winner and a loser smells like dog poo. We judged the banks on three major categories, compiling mini-summaries to be the subjects of judgment. From there, a winner was chosen for each of the categories, and the best two out of three took home the trophy. Let your eyes proceed. Nightlife West Bank: Over on this side o’ the Mississippi you’ll find laid-back, misanthrope-like folk ready to kick it with some live tunes, a PBR and a cigarette – the essentials. Here we’ve got a plethora of places to get freaky in the nighttime: Nomad World Pub, its title reveals much about its clientele; Triple Rock Social Club, where boozin’ and groovin’ and dignity losin’ is rife; Palmer’s Bar, which functions as a second home to the finest of the Minneapolis homeless community; and a lengthy list of others that we’re just too lazy to list. East Bank: The bar options are slim pickins over on this bank. We’ve got Blarney Pub and Grill, which is awesome if you’ve mixed an Adderall with your vodka Red Bull and love grinding; Library Bar, home to the cheapest drinks and cheapest looking people in town; Burrito Loco, known for smelling like the confusing mixture of lush burritos and sweat, and Kitty Cat Klub, fantastic for existential thoughts, beards and not spelling ‘Cat’ with a ‘K.’ Verdict is in guys, and the gold goes to the West on this one. Better luck next round, East. Students West Bank: The West is a much smaller bank academically, and therefore, only a handful of majors call it home. It’s
How Texting is Ruining Our Social Skills
mostly comprised of men and women in the Carlson School of Business and those pursuing a career in theatrics, who find it socially acceptable to paint their faces like trees and bark at the passerby on their morning class commute. The overall vibe is a dizzying sense of an uptight fantasy, guaranteed to make any East Bankin’ head spin. East Bank: Expanding over a much larger area than the West, the East Bank houses a hodge-podge of majors and minors. They range from “I’m-so-out-of-the-box” cultural studies kids to socially incompetent engineers. This bank represents a whole lot of identities; you’re bound to not completely detest at least one. Round two results are in – East Bank takes the cake and eats it, too. We’ve got a tie on our paws. Winner takes all, and loser takes a serious beating.
what’s inside The Halloween Costume Scene
Housing West Bank: Say it with me: crack stacks. Thank the Lord for multi-colored apartment levels filled with bullet shells, blood, and day-old methamphetamine – homey! East Bank: An array of neighborhoods all offering a similar outcome: overpriced and poor quality living! I think we’re all on the same page when choosing this last winner – to the East it is! Life is more important than pinching pennies, c’mon! If you’re keeping score that means the East has won! Rejoice East Bankers and commit Seppuku West Bankers! (The Black Sheep does not condone Seppuku and discourages anyone besides feudal Japanese lords to try it.)
we sit Down with AWOLNATION
"Katrina called me." "She called you? WTF!"
No, you can't pull off sexy Mrs. Potato Head this year.
Aaron Bruno explains the weirdos on his current tour.
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contents page 4: the top 10 party shots and the people who take them
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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mmm, we love is some red headed sluts!
page 5: t.m.i. when it comes to conversation, we college kids know no bounds.
Table of
page 6: from the streets what was your worst date ever?
page 10: Guide to the Apocalypse: Cthulhu Edition Who knew the Great Evil That Sleeps would be such a dick?
page 11: bartender of the week kevin from sally's would love to weird some people out with a gnome.
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page three p e e h S k c a l B e h T p
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p A e l i b Mo
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Sexy Anagrams
Credible Sumos
Do you know who these hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!
Crane Hotly last week’s answers
You have to be THIS tall to ride! (Want to be humiliated next week? Awesome.) Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com
word of the week Disshertation:
Any longwinded, angry diatribe one woman makes towards another woman.
Shakira & Chris Hemsworth
“Lisa’s disshertation on Theresa’s formal dress got her over 300,000 YouTube views and one lost Facebook friend.”
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The Top ten Party Shots: And the
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How Texting is Ruining Our Social Skills Katrina Nicholson wrote this
People That Drink Them
10.) Jaegerita: For all the douches and desperates out there, we have a nasty little number by the name of Jaegerita! Don’t be put off by its name alone, take one sip and you’ll be off liquor for the night. Take one part Jaegermeister, one part tequila, and watch out! As you read this sentence, chances are, your phone is in extremely close proximity. Chances are you're also dealing with more than a few extended texting conversations. They may range from meaningless banter about drunken weekend happenings to awkward posthookup salutations. Either way, we both know you're spending way too much damn time on your phone. The manner with which we treat these varying textual exchanges reflects the increasingly disturbing fear our generation has regarding face-to-face contact. As we crawl deeper into our socially awkward shells, we become more and more reliant on texting as our only way of communication with other humans. We've all gotten that instant anxiety when someone we're sexually interested in sends us a text message. Our immediate reaction is to come up with thousands of different responses, each more over-thought than the one before it. For example, a guy could text me, “Hey.” And though the obvious response is to respond similarly, “Hey, what's up?” My over-analysis of the situation will cause me to send something much less logical like, “Who is this?” Not because I actually don't know who it is, but because I want to play mind games with him. The best part is that this will get the guy to similarly over-think his response. But instead of actually responding, the guy will forget he was going to respond in the first place and then never reply. My reaction will be to assume that the guy is uninterested and hates me so I spend my night watching Katherine Heigl and eating Ben & Jerry’s. So logical, right? Because we spend so much time contemplating and analyzing, we forget how to actually communicate. Instead of responding when
we first see the message, we wait the “socially acceptable” amount of time before we reply. We judge our own behavior, as well as the behavior of the person with whom we're communicating, to a standard that makes it impossible to actually tell what either person is really trying to say. For something that was supposed to be so convenient, texting has really become more of a pain in the ass than anything else. To avoid the whole situation, we might try calling someone to expedite the process. Unfortunately, this has become a form of insult. Come on, we've all heard it. “What the hell? Becky is calling me right now... Why wouldn't she just text me?” In this situation we will usually let the call go to voicemail, wait about five minutes, then send a text saying, “Hey, saw you called, what's up?” We are actually so afraid of real conversation that we won't even pick up our goddamn phones! What is this world coming to? In the ten minutes it took for you to ignore that call and send a compensatory text, you could have answered the phone, dealt with the situation on the other end, and hung up probably fifteen additional times. This is my challenge to everyone: go try to be social. Yes, go talk to someone. Yes, APPROACH SOMEONE. Preferably approach them from behind in a dark alley. Go out of your way to make contact with another human being that doesn't involve typing words on a page. If you don't do this now, ten years down the road we will be unable to even be in the same room as other people comfortably. And if we can't even do that, how the hell are we supposed to have freaky, unholy sex with them? Answer me that kids, answer me THAT!
9.) White Russian: This is for all the quasi-sophisticated men out there too lost in their egos to see the poor girl standing in the corner. Though, on second thought that might be a good thing. Ah yes, the Russian spy kind of feeling. Mix Kahlua, Vodka and Cream, and throw a big ol’ ice cube in there for a sparkle of class. 8.) Cherry Bomb: Hello Daddy, hello Mom! I’m a ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb! These are for the wild girls, and yet you’ll find them in everyone’s hands, including that bro who insists on calling himself “Frank The Tank.” Just get a glass, some Everclear, cherry Grenadine and a bowl of cherries. 7.) Whiskey: Lucky number seven! If you’ve been keeping up with these drinks you might be a bit tipsy at this point, but we all cross the line with a shot of whiskey! Do it straight, throw in some Pepsi if you’re not manly enough. Rest assured you’ll really be ready to “get your drink on” at this point. 6.) Kahlua and Coffee: Just studying? Kahlua and coffee is the dream team, you studious social reject, you. Feel warm and fuzzy (no, really) while learning about Columbus screwing over a bunch of nice people. 5.) Rumpleminze: For the semi-jaded juniors who need a trip down memory lane to that first epic hangover there’s Rumpleminze. Made exclusively for washing away dignity and bloodstains, not necessarily in that order. 4.) Kamikaze: Quick, do a barrel roll! Watch out for the Kamikaze! This mix is for those looking to crash land, but who know how to hold a bit of liquor. With equal parts Vodka, triple sec, and lime juice, it doesn’t get much better. 3.) The Pancake Breakfast: What’s better than breakfast at night? Make one of these and you will be a legend. The ingredients are quite simple: Butterscotch liqueur, strawberry Schnapps, and a strip of bacon. 2.) Jell-O shots: Genius idea, right? Gelatinous booze should be a staple of a college kid’s diet. It’s a beautiful combination. The alcohol choice we’ll leave to your preference, though it works best with Vodka. This drink is truly for the people who need a second wind two hours later. Body shots? Definitely. Drunk Twister? All night. 1.) Red Headed Sluts: Schnapps, Jaegermeister, cranberry juice, a splash of Coke and you’ve got a Linsday Lohan. This is for the humorous and flirty crowd. You’ll find that no matter where you order this. everyone knows how to make one, and you’ll always get a laugh.
katrina nicholson wrotethis this McKinley Johnson wrote
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The Halloween Costume Scene Michael McSherry wrote this
Ever been in that awkward situation where you show up to a party and see someone else in an outfit identical to yours? To be sure, everybody notices and gives you endless crap about it for the entirety of the night. Well, with Halloween only a month away, you run the same risk. If you show up to the festivities wearing the same costume as somebody else, things can get weird. One Pedobear is hilarious, two are trouble, and three are just plain creepy. Now that you’re a big kid, people are going to expect a little bit more imagination from you. If you really want to stand out at this year’s Halloween party, here are a few costumes you should be sure to avoid. Costume: Bane (The Dark Knight Rises) Why You Shouldn’t Wear It: This costume is going to be a big hit this Halloween, which is one of the reasons you ought to avoid it. First, there’s no chance in hell that your five-foot-something scrawny frame can appear nearly as intimidating as Tom Hardy did in the movie. Second, there’s going to be enough of these poor Bane imitations floating around to drown the world in a sea of something that sounds like Robo-Sean Connery. “Now is not the time for beer… That comes later!” Costume: Katniss Everdeen (The Hunger Games) Why You Shouldn’t Wear It: The movie was a hit, despite an emotionally muted performance on Jennifer Lawrence’s part that would make Keanu Reeves proud. Katniss was an ass-kicking femme fatale, but amidst a sea of arrow-slinging movie heroes, you might easily be mistaken for Legolas or Hawkeye. Leave “The Girl on Fire” her place on the silver screen. Besides, you don’t want to
T.M.I.
have to murder everyone else at the party just because you’ve been ordered to by metrosexual overlords. Costume: Any Sexy Version of a Disney Character (Our Childhood) Why You Shouldn’t Wear It: Let me be candid: every time someone over the age of twelve wears a Disneythemed costume, we all die a little inside. Despite this, every year I see a few people who have taken liberties with their favorite cartoon characters that would warrant Walt performing a mighty face-palm. Snow White doesn’t need a short skirt, miles of midriff, or a pushup bra. Hercules always wore a shirt and he sure as hell didn’t wear aviators. That's not to say sexy doesn’t have a place in Halloween. Just make sure you’re not dumping on everybody else’s treasured childhood memories. Costume: Anything From the Gangnam Style Video (I don't know, the internet) Why You Shouldn’t Wear It: This music video is still topping the charts and making elevator rides awkward for everyone. With all that said, everyone has seen it enough times to make them hate themselves a little. You don’t want to have to act like you’re riding a small horse everywhere you go or dry humping the air while wearing an inexplicable cowboy hat. Coupled by the fact that most people who will dress up like a character won’t even be Asian, this may be just slightly racist; not too much but just enough to make everyone cringe a little. Plus, it will be old news by Halloween. There are plenty of other costumes that too many peo-
ple wear, some of which you should avoid just because they’re sloppy. Showing up in plastic cat ears and a thong does not make for a real costume (however if you want to wear that just as casual attire, then by all means please do.) Nor does wearing your urine-stained bed-sheet and calling it a toga impress the ladies.
Nik Strand wrote this
There is no filter between tongue and ear: bodily deformities, repulsive diseases, bathroom mishaps, and of course sexual encounters and all the, tips, tricks, and flukes that come with them. We college students have no shame. Otherwise embarrassing stories are retold, in full, to our friends and family without a second thought. We are a product of our environment, and we are surrounded by other incorrigible heathens. We are taught to share and share we do. Phalluses comprise 97% of our conversational topics, look it up. We know no censorship. Bathrooms become a topic of interest. They are the only place where one is hidden from the world, and free to toil away the burdens that only 2 packs of ramen and a sleeve of saltine crackers can bring. In our college haze we seem to have forgotten our sense of privacy, and in turn, our sense of decency. The three-part act that dramatically unfolded at the porcelain theater becomes a tale to be told to every soul we meet. We spare no detail. We’ve got the directors cut with narration, a cameo by Nicolas Cage, and a shocking twist—however grotesque, it’s enticing all the same. Our audience, captivated by vivid imagery and overuse of onomatopoeia, hangs on every “sploosh,” “graaaaahhh!” and “vwhoooomp.” If we’re going to tell a story, we might as well do it right. Colorful bathroom imagery seems an elegant subject compared to our other favorite conversational topic: sex. This was a subject that had a certain taboo before college. Now it’s not only widely accepted, but is a cornerstone of discussion. Whether it’s who hooked up with whom, how many
times and where, advice on the topic, or strictly catty hating on a poor subject we love it all. There are those, however, who have some reservation as to sharing where their “wee-wees” or “pooters” have been. For all of you with morals, no selfrespecting college student can avoid the call of Jose Cuervo. Tequila doesn’t only make our clothes fall off, it rips off the trench coat of censorship and proudly exposes our naked truths and desires. College students, as a whole, are disgustingly vile creatures. We get ourselves in to more shenanigans just so that we can tell others what we did. If there was an opportunity to go swimming in Chinese food, play with pigs, and join an orgy, 120% of our lovely university would participate. There is no such thing as too much information, we want to know every gruesome detail. Our college minds have been trained to share what we know. If others haven’t the courage to ask about something, we’ll just keep sharing information until we’re sure we hit it, and we might cover everything from the time you swallowed a fork and drank 2 liters, to the time you spent with that fiery redhead last weekend. If you don’t want to know every detail about us, I would suggest forming
a very specific question. We have a strange habit of relating two very unlike subjects. This openness isn’t as good a thing as it might seem. Apparently employers (oh, and grandma) don’t like hearing about passing out in a puddle of vomit. “It was black, grandma, AND had whole pieces of goldfish crackers in it.” Some people don’t think this is impressive, and that’s okay. Some people just don’t know a good story when they hear one. We love sharing what we’ve been through; it’s who we are. Sometimes, it goes a little too far, but we can never find the line we’ve crossed. We are used to others being equally as open. Give us a break. Our stories are meant to entertain (and boast). Who doesn’t love a good coitus-gone-awry story, anyway?
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com Shannon Ryan Wrote This
What was your worst first date ever? “In high school this guy invited me over to watch movies. Apparently, he had never been kissed before, so when I kissed him good night he freaked out. He started shaking his head and said, ‘No! That was not supposed to happen.” - Maria S., Junior
“Once, I thought a guy was asking me out, so I said yes. Turns out he was talking to the girl behind me. At some point during our first date, he straight up told me that the date wasn’t meant for me, but that he wanted to be friends. I was mortified!” - Megan L., Junior
“I once went on a first date with a guy who apparently gets a lot of nosebleeds, especially when he's nervous. I let him kiss me because I pitied him a bit, but when I went inside I noticed that there was blood on my face. I never called him again. - Sarah H., Senior
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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The Black Sheep Sits Down with AWOLNATION
Michael McSherry wrote this
Tuesday, Sept. 25 – Lines of people cover the sidewalk on both sides of the Varsity Theatre. Eager fans wait with their tickets to see some of their favorite bands. I’m brought around to the Varsity’s rear entrance, where I’m shown into the building and ushered backstage. I’m taken down two flights of stairs, where the music from Topside fades to nothing more than a bit of humming bass. There I meet Aaron Bruno, founder and front-man for AWOLNATION, who has agreed to answer a few questions for The Black Sheep. The Black Sheep: So let’s hear a little bit about how the tour is going so far. What are some of the best and worst things about it? Aaron: The best part is getting to travel around the country – we’re selling out almost all of our shows, and it’s a huge accomplishment to be the band that gets to headline. The hard work paid off. We had to build it from scratch, and we were so different from anything else when we started. It’s a wonderful thing It’s very flattering and humbling to see the fruit of your labor. And the worst part about this tour, well, it’s not easy to maneuver around like I used to be able to. I can’t just walk out into the crowd and watch the other bands that I’ve become friends with. I can’t just wander around the vicinity of the venue. TBS: Well, AWOLNATION has been very well received. In a relatively short amount of time since its founding a few years back. Megalithic Symphony has gone platinum in the United States and double platinum in Canada. Millions of people are hearing you on their TVs and online. With all this going on, where do you see AWOL going from here? Any big plans on the horizon? Aaron: I try not to see too far. I try to think of what’s the next
goal, what’s the next thing I have control of. It seems like the ball is rolling; it’s a machine that’s got a lot of life left in itself (laughs). So I try to focus on the new songs I’m writing, getting excited about the new stuff and pushing myself and the listeners into new and uncharted waters. Hopefully the listeners and I can grow together. TBS: AWOLNATION is your brainchild. Let’s hear about how you got the whole project started. Aaron: I never really “started” the band; it was just already happening, if that makes sense. I’ve always been writing these songs, and with my previous bands it was always collaboration, so I figured if we ever wanted to do something solo I’d have some songs to put into it. When my last band broke up, I had all of these songs I’d written so I figured great, I’ll record them. For me, writing is something that I can’t stop doing, and if you’re really passionate about something, it never really goes away. When it came together, I called it AWOLNATION, something I had in my back pocket for a while. TBS: What’s the strangest thing that’s happened so far on this tour? Aaron: Countless things, but the thing that really stuck with me was at our first show on the concert. We were in Philadelphia and it was a free outdoor concert, so about seven thousand people showed up. It poured rain, right after Imagine Dragons played, so you know, perfect timing of course (laughs). So it got delayed maybe forty-five minutes while it was raining, and we figured everybody would just pack up and go home. We were going to play no matter what, even if only two people stuck around, because that’s what you do. But when we got out there, it seemed like nobody had even left. People were soaked, crowd-surfing, and
it was beautiful. Then, out of nowhere, a bride and groom just showed up on stage. They must have walked right out of their reception to grab a cigarette or something, but they were up there on stage with us. So we’re playing this sort of dirty, grimy, epic show, and then you see a bride in all white. And it was just so absurd to see, and I’m still not sure what to think about it. TBS: Last question… Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, and Nicki Minaj. One joins your group, one covers your songs, and one loses their voice. You choose. Aaron: Did you just say Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, and Nicki Minaj? (Pauses) This is difficult, so thank you for that . I’m not particularly fond of any of them… I guess I would say I’d want Nicki Minaj to join the band. Miley Cyrus has got to lose her voice. Justin Bieber can cover us—he would reach the most ears at least. I’m going to have to ask everybody else what they think (laughs).
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THURSDAY 10/4
9pm - Close $2 Coors Light $2.50 Long Islands
Thirsty Thursday! $2 U-Call-Its: 9pm - Close
AUC2D! (All-U-Care-2-Drink) (college or military ID for AUC2D) $6 AUC2D Domestic Taps, $10 AUC2D Domestic Taps & Well Mixers, $1 O Bombs, $3 Jack Daniel's & SoCo Mixers, $15 "Group Sex" Fishbowls, $4 Shocktop Harvest Pints, $5 20oz ShockTop Harvest Taps
FRIDAY 10/5
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$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close
Late Nite Happy Hour: 7-10pm: $4 Vodka Redbulls, $3 Any Pint, $3 Wells, $2 Jager, Cherry & O Bombs, $17 Shipwreck & O Face Fishbowls, 8pm - Close: $2 Jager, Cherry & O Bombs, $4 Three Olives Vodka Mixers, $5 Three Olives Vodka Long Islands (7pm - Close), $4 Shocktop Harvest Pints, $5 20oz ShockTop Harvest Taps, $5 20oz Bud Light 20oz Taps
SATURDAY 10/6
9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close
Late Nite Happy Hour: 7-10pm: $4 Vodka Redbulls, $3 Any Pint, $3 Wells, $2 Jager, Cherry & O Bombs, $25 Fishbowls 8pm - Close: $2 Jager, Cherry & O Bombs, $6.50 Three Olives Vodka Long Islands, $4 Bacardi Mixers, $4 Shocktop Harvest Pints, $5 20oz ShockTop Harvest Taps, $5 20oz Bud Light 20oz Taps
SUNDAY 10/7
10am – 2pm: $9.99 Bottomless Mimosa 6pm – Close: $3 Bells & PBR Tall Boys
Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot): 4pm - Close
MONDAY 10/8
8pm - Close: $3 Coors Mugs $5 Jameson Gingers Open Mic 10pm - Close
Flippin' Drinks! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 9pm - Close
Mason Jar Monday! $3 Bud & Bud Light, Double Wells, Double Jack and SoCo Mixers $5 Bud Light Pitchers, $10 Bud Light Beer Towers, $4 Shocktop Harvest Pints, $5 20oz ShockTop Harvest Taps
8pm - Close $2.50 Mexican Beers & $3 Sauza Gold
Birthday Karaoke Night! Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf) $3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs $3 Long Island Pints
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Now Hiring All Positions Starting Monday, October 1st! Apply in Person at Brothers on 1st and 5th Ave between 10AM and 5PM
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FRIDAY 10/5
Now Hiring All Positions Starting Monday, October 1st! Apply in Person at Brothers on 1st and 5th Ave between 10AM and 5PM
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SATURDAY 10/6
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The Bar Grid
page 10
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The Black Sheep Guide to the Apocalypse: Cthulhu Edition staff infection wrote this As a child, you became aware of the horrible pollution of the earth. For a month, you wouldn’t shut up about the Great Pacific Garbage patch. “How could humans let a 270,000 mile patch of trash in the ocean exist?” you wondered annoyingly. You vowed to go green and clean up the world for your own children. Then SpongeBob came back on and you forgot all about pollution. If a sponge can live in a pineapple at the bottom of the ocean, then so be it. But do you know who didn’t forget about pollution? The Old Ones. They slumber in the depths of the ocean, a deathlike coma blinding them to the movements of mortals. Until now, the world has nervously ignored the existence of the Old Gods, like a shadow in the corner of our collective mind. But as the world warms, as humanity fights one another for dwindling bacon resources, as we come to the final months of our world’s life, they stir. They stir. PREPARATION: When Cthulhu and the other Ancient Ones wake up, the last place you’re going to want to be is here on earth. The Old Ones are from, according to the prophet Lovecraft, space. They have as much regard for life on earth as we do for bedbugs, and when Cthulhu wakes up, we are in for an acid wash. Is that excessive? Yes, of course. The Ancient Ones are retarded about doing laundry. But damn if it’s not the most effective way to kill bedbugs on the planet. If you
crapped your pants in fear at that, you have just scratched the surface of how deep the shit we’ll really be in if we allow Cthulhu to end the world. When he awakens, he’s going to be pissed that he’s been breathing in our refuse from his sunken city of R’lyeh. We could, of course, clean up the ocean, switch to more sustainable energy sources than oil and protect the fragile ocean ecosystem. But that sounds hard and boring. Your best bet is to make a super convincing Lovecraft-inspired demon costume, and try to sneak onto whatever spaceship they’ll use to leave earth when they’ve finished enslaving all of humanity. THE BATTLE: If the apocalypse manages to catch you with your pants down (it shouldn’t - Christ, people have been warning you for years) and you find yourself without a suitable disguise, you will find yourself in a very tense situation. You cannot stop Cthulhu, and if the armies being massacred outside your window are any indication, no man can stand against the might of the most ancient of evils. In fact, there is no way for a simple human to defeat the Great Old Ones. That is why you have to download the Necronomicon onto your Kindle and summon other, darker Gods to fight the Great Old Ones (you can try the Elder Gods if you’re a pussy, but the benign Elder Gods are to the Cthulhu Mythos what 50 Shades of Grey is to Twilight.) Be warned: the Gods the Lovecraft saw treat humanity with either disdain or apathy. If you plan to convince Yog-Sothoth to even consider looking in this galaxy’s direction, you better have a hell of a human sacrifice planned and manage to teach the knowledge-craving God what “compassion” and “mercy” are.
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THE AFTERMATH: The world will be ravished, perhaps even devoured by Ubbo-Sathla, in the end. But let’s assume for the moment that, due to an insane amount of luck and the sexiest ass the Outer Gods have ever seen, they heard your pleas and postpone the obliteration of our planet for a thousand more years. Where does that leave you? Well, depending on how much you’ve practiced your puppy dog face, you’ll either be enslaved for eternity or repurposed as a food source for the Gods. And rest assured, your last moments will be spent in reeling, ceaseless madness from which no mind can escape - it is the fate of all who behold the Gods. Because science hasn’t delved too much into the effects endless existential horror have on the mind, we don’t know if insanity will dull or enhance the unimaginable pain Azathoth will inflict upon your inconsequential body, but we have to assume that it will be comparable to living in the center of our sun, unable to die in the hellish fires as the pressure crushes your every bone into dust. So recycle that damn Coke bottle, fucktard, before you doom us all!
page 11
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bartender of the week Kevin S. sally's Relationship Status: Single
grabs an umbrella. The shop keeper say, “What do you need that for?” Snoop says, “Fo’ drizzle.”
Major: Psychology Favorite Drink: Hoppy beer! Favorite Shot: Equal parts Rumpleminze, it’s called the K-Fed Special. Worst Enemy Shot: Bacardi 151 and Goldschlager How long have you been working at Sally’s? Seven years. How many four-year-olds could you take in a fight? One for each limb until one got to my face, so four. If you could have any superhero ability, what would it be? Flight, then I wouldn’t have to deal with peoples’ driving. What’s a bad joke you like? “So Snoop Dogg walks into a convenience store and
the drinking game
chestbump This game may sound like it’s only made for frat bros, but if you’re a girl who can hold your own when it comes to beer, then feel free to join on in. This game will involve more stinky burps than a roadside truck stop. What You’ll Need: Cups, four ping pong balls, and beer. Number of Players: Four if you want to go hard, more if you actually want to remember your night. Level of Intoxication: You’ll be buying shots for the undercover cops at the bars later on. How to Play: - Have everyone pick a partner and sit across from them around the table. - Every player grabs one beer and divides it up between three cups arranged into a triangle in front of them. If you’re feeling competitive up the ante and play will full cups. - On “Go,” everyone bounces a ping pong ball across the table to their partner. The receiver has to bounce it off his or her chest and get it into one of the cups in front of them. - If your partner succeeds, he or she slides one of the beer cups over to the opponent on the right of them, who now has to chug its contents before continuing bouncing. - After a team has finished all of their cups, one last full beer is placed directly in the middle of the table. The team must double bounce the ball into the cup to win. The Game Ends When: The last beer has been finished and someone spews into the cups in front of them. Drink up, brah!
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What’s your spirit animal? A Blue-footed Booby! What’s your best Sally’s story? I almost locked a passed out employee in the store after close. If you could have a mythical creature for a pet, what would you choose? A gnome, it would be easy to weird people out. What’s your least favorite country? Brazil, because I’m not there right now. What’s the best pick-up line ever used on you? “I’m blind, can I look into your eyes?” What’s your personal theme song? “Stand Up” by Prodigy.
Recipe for Disaster
Bacon Cholesterol Toast If you don’t wake up every morning without a craving for greasy delicacies, then something is wrong with you. Just when you thought breakfast toast was just a crunchy piece of burnt bread, we found a recipe to change the world of morning meals. What You’ll Need: About a pound of bacon, bread, and some salt. Cook Time: Ten minutes. Fatty Factor: No amount of Cheerios is going to lower your cholesterol after this. Let’s Get Baked: - Grease up a frying pan and fry up all that bacon on your stove, preferably shirtless after a night of heavy drinking. - After all the bacon stops simmering and popping, remove it from the pan. Drop some bread in the pan with the leftover bacon grease and brown it evenly on both sides. - Once the bread is toasted remove it from the pan and sprinkle both sides with salt. - The way to eat it is up to you. We’re fans of creating a mega bacon weave and sandwiching it between a few slices of our cholesterol toast. Maybe grab some syrup and have some finger food dipping fun? Have 911 and a respirator on standby. You will have trouble breathing and your blood flow may slow down immensely. But it’s super delicious so at least the last thing you eat before you die will be totally worth it.
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Super Spectacular Sparty OUT and About!!
Mountaineer Back on the Flame Train???
top stories The Hottest Stories Right Now! Fuzzy photos LEAKED of CHIEF ILLINIWEK at underground poker table! VCU’s Rodney the Ram denies accusations of horniness - Buster Bronco says he’s considering CHARGES!!!
SHOCKING!! So, Sparty the Spartan was seen sportin’ his skirt outside the stadium! A source close to us says he just “feels right” wearing the skirt, and might soon take on more feminine attire. OMGZ! Maybe after getting rooted by the Irish, Sparty is getting in touch with his boy-loving Greek roots!! Seeing him swing around night clubs in East Lansing in his skirt AND emerging stories of several student athletes seeing Sparty carry his pride into the locker room, might lead us to one FAB conclusion: gay! gay! gay!!! Sparty has long been seen with a perm frown on his face, BUT we’re hoping this revelation might leave him with a glamz smile! Go Sparty! We’re all on your team!!
Dead Doggies’ Dark Doo-Doo Demises
Wait till you hear who’s at it again! Last week the paps caught The Mountaineer deep in the woods of West Virginia burning a couch! Fresh out of pyromaniac rehab, The Mountaineer couldn’t live without getting his fix, and was reportedly “found rolling around in the mud, in a catatonic state… pupils dilated while muttering ‘longhorn’ under his breath.” Apparently The Mountaineer couldn’t take the pressure of another big game, and needed fire to relieve himself. We don’t want to cast judgment on The Mountaineer, but several other mascots have lent their support. The forever shiz-faced Iowa State University Cyclone tweeted “@Mountaineer yo iz kool wut u did bro, liv by ur one rolzze!!1 #livurLyf.” LOL looks like Cyclone has had one too many hurricanes!
Redbird Cy, Oh My!
Cavalier attitude nets night in jail for UVa mascot. Goldy Gopher, 3, Found dead in auoterotic asphyxiation mishap. PHOTOS INSIDE!! After sex change USC’s Cocky legally changes name to Pussy. MUST SEE BEFORE/AFTER SHOTS! Two years later, Rebel Black Bear admits mascot change “A trap” in interview with ET. What was the Clemson Tiger doing outside the Trophy Lust Club at 4a.m.?? The pap catches Syracuse Orange shopping in baby store!! Is s/he pregnant! EXCLUSIVE PICS!
Do all doggies go to heaven? Let’s hope so! Seems as though the party went a little TOO hard in Athens two weekends ago, especially after the Bulldogs beat the Volunteers by 7.
Seems as though The Parent Trap really is about some redheads, after all!!! We’re here to reveal a Peep Sheep EXCLUSIVE! An intense investigate has finally proven that ISU’s Cy the Cardinal and ISU’s Reggie Redbird are one in the SAME!
Early reports out of the coroner’s office suggest both suffered from chocolate sickness after bonging Hershey’s chocolate syrup into their little hound heinies! According to the Athens Animal Hospital Uga IX and Smokey IX were admitted to the emergency room at approximately 2:14a.m. with sever fevers. By 5:00a.m. both were pronounced dead.
Turns out, Cy (Real name: Crandall Berkowitz III) been the head worm-catcher of TWO nests!!! During the winter months leaves his hen and two chicks to fly south for the winter to Bloomington/Normal, IL to live in the lap of luxury with his other family, the Redbirds under the assumed name, “Reggie.”
Hey, college football studyboyz like Uga IX and Smokey IX are notorious for partying with fine bitchez, so don’t act like we didn’t see this coming. They will be thrown in a local incinerator on Monday, October 8th.
When questioned on the matter, Berkowitz III’s lawyer, Hyper-Chicken, declined comment. Turns out, birds of a feather DON’T flock together. They’re the same bird!!!!!!
Notre Dame Fightin’ Irish swears all boys-club was a “fight club.” What do you think!? USC Trojan can’t seem to get excited with NCAA sanctions. Say’s [the sanctions] are “too tight.” Puddles, the Oregon Duck, is splitz-ville the Horned Frog - did religion get in the way AGAIN!?!
the interview
zedd
If you haven’t heard the name Zedd, you have definitely heard his work. At twenty-three, having worked with an ambit of major artists – from Baby Biebs to Skrillex – Zedd has produced several chart-topping beats. Stepping into the spotlight with a full-length album, Clarity, Zedd is an artist worth picking up on (and following on Twitter @Zedd). By Quinn The Black Sheep: You’ve produced and toured with some pretty major artists - do you prefer being behind the scenes producing beats, or working on your own? Zedd: It really depends. I obviously love doing my own music because I don’t have to please anyone with my music. With all my love and respect to my whole team - at the end of the day the only thing that matters to me is that I truly love something I did. If I do work for other people, especially major artists, there are so many people you have to make happy - compromises have to be made which I don’t like. At the same time I can try new things out if I work for other people that I would probably not have done for myself. TBS: You released Clarity to iTunes on October 2nd (October 9th everywhere). After a long list of singles and remixes, what made you transition to a full-length album? Zedd: You know, I really like releasing singles because you can put something out right after you finish it, and it’s still fresh and hot. Making a full-length album is very difficult, especially for us DJs who tour 24/7. Making an album is a huge commitment, but it also gives you the chance of expressing yourself in a way that is more detailed than you could ever do it with singles. If you put out a single all the attention is on one track. With an album you can very well show a wider range of yourself, make songs that would probably not be a good single, but a great album track, and fulfill a certain roll in an album - just like the tension is not constantly high in a movie, there’s ups and downs. I’m not talking about fillers; in fact I believe my album doesn’t have any fillers, but tracks can definitely tell a story in a context of an album that singles can’t. TBS: Any track you are particularly excited for on Clarity, or are they all equally awesome? Zedd: It’s very close to impossible to pick my favorite song. “Hourglass” is one of my favorite songs I’ve ever written in my whole life and... yeah ... it’s really just the whole album that I’m mostly excited about, more than particular tracks. TBS: How do you describe Clarity in comparison to your past work? Zedd: Well, I think to a certain degree it’s probably a little bit more adult and experienced. Where the focus sometimes has been on making a big club-hit before, the focus on this album is to make music that is so timeless you can listen to it in 30 years and still be proud of the musicality in it. TBS: How do you build songs? Like, how did you come up with mixing Skrillex and The Doors for “Breakin’ a Sweat?” Zedd: Usually I’ll just play around on a keyboard or piano till I come up with the melodic / harmonic part; mostly the chorus or the hook. Then I make the parts around it. With my “Breakn’ A Sweat” remix Skrillex asked me to do a remix so that was a no-brainer for me. TBS: When you play live shows, do you feed off the crowd or do you come in with a strict setlist? Zedd: It’s a good mix of both. I prepare for shows depending on where I play and what type of crowd is expected. But a lot of the times the crowd will be completely different from what you expect, and in that case I switch up things. I have certain routines but there’s never a strict setlist. TBS: Your parents are musicians, and you started studying classic piano at a young age - how has that influenced you? And how much do your parents love your music? Zedd: It influenced me very much because I’ve learned about music theory, and learned to play several instruments – that’s stuff I can use to make music that’s a little different from a lot of other producers. This doesn’t mean they’re better or worse; it’s just different and I like being different. My parents actually like the music! They’ve never listened to electronic music before but they like the “musical” part of my music more than the sound-design aspect. TBS: Of those major artists you’ve worked with, are there any weird similarities you find between them? Like, do Skrillex and Baby Biebs have anything in common that the layman wouldn’t know? Zedd: [Laughs] Well, the biggest similarities are that they all share the same passion: music! Skrillex and Bieber, I’d say, have fairly different personalities but they’re both very passionate about what they do in their own ways. TBS: Your Twitter is pretty hilarious - is that all you? Zedd: [Laughs] Thank you! It is all me - and probably sometimes a little bit too much of “me” but I enjoy not thinking too much about what I say there. TBS: Also on Twitter, your about me is “Shave it up,” what’s that about? Zedd: Illuminati man... It’s all Illuminati! TBS: What’s one thing you can’t tour without? Zedd: I can’t tour without shows! I really can’t!
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
Jersey Shore Season 6 Premiere Thursday, Oct. 4 at 10pm on MTV The final season of the cultural phenomenon made up of meatballs and meatheads is coming to a tearful end, the kind that only comes after six shots of vodka annd a drunk dial to mother. The dynamic of the house is different this time, however, with Nicole being 6 months pregnant. How will sober Snooki do in a house full of alcoholic maniacs? We can’t wait to see.
v/h/s In Theaters Oct. 5
This film, comprised of five short films, revolves around a woven narrative of a group of guys who break into a creepy house in search of one particular VHS. They then watch five, each of which is more messed up then the one before, and all terrifying as hell. V/H/S was available on iTunes weeks ago, so take it from us that this is one of the scariest movies you’ll see...except for those movies inside the movies.
mellowhype - numbers out oct. 9 Odd Future members Hodgy Beats and Left Brain team up to form the Los Angeles hip-hop duo MellowHype. With two studio albums already under their belt, not to mention plenty of features on Odd Future and Tyler, the Creator albums, and even a song on the Madden NFL 12 video game, these wacky dudes are certainly on their way to certified success.
mad swag
Would you consider yourself a trill OG? Are you down with that flow, yo? Are you reading this thinking, “Whoever wrote this is painfully white.”? Well, la-tee-dah. More importantly, can you decipher our Mad Swag? Below are several mondegreens - words replacing similar-sounding words - of well-known rap lyrics. Can you figure out what these artists are sayin'? email us the title of the song the lyric is from to madgab@theblacksheeponline. com and if you get them all right, you’ll win a prize!
Lives ab i tch hand ten nude eye
Soup her intend dose egg a ninja sis
Hi loafed win ewe calming beak pop huh
So far ash soak lean
Rapper: Nas
Rapper: Notorious B.I.G
Rapper: Notorious B.I.G
Rapper: Outkast
Hue mice hunch tine
Hi got nigh tee nigh bro blooms
La booty bro Emma moth kin pawn star
Yellow bee distiller orgy
Rapper: Lupe Fiasco
Rapper: Jay-Z
Rapper: Kanye West
Rapper: Dr. Dre
Smock we derriere
Adjust dope lava truck
Icee herb toy French ate in lick an idiot
Doughnut even a views my ache
Rapper: Snoop Dogg
Rapper: Eminem
Rapper: Lil’ Wayne
Rapper: Ice Cube
the classtime
90’s music stars Across
4) Sugar, salt, garlic, pepper, oregano 6) Don’t go burning ex-boyfriend’s houses down. 7) He’s a loser, baby. 9) Blue Ivy’s god mother's. 11) Just like rain on your wedding day. 14) Wake me up when this crossword ends. 16) Mmm, they’re all married with kids now. 18) Not Tyler Perry’s. 20) Titanic pipes.
8) Now she’s dancing with somebody upstairs. 10) Recently toured with the original 80s boy band. 12) Somehow still competes with women half her age. 13) Holds the longest-running #1 song in U.S. history. 15) With certainty. 17) Ladies loved this ripped rapper. 19) 14 minutes and 59 seconds of fame.
Down
1) Bye, bye, bye to all but one, really. 2) Definition of 90s grunge, and plaid. 3) Rocked the bald look very well. 5) The OG white rapper, after Vanilla Ice of course.
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