The Black Sheep
FR ju EE.. st . L fo ike r a dr ck in no ks wle fro dg m a in lu g th mni em !
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 3, Issue 6 10/11/12 - 10/17/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_umn
An Upperclassman’s note to a freshman McKinley Johnson wrote this
Yes, it’s a new year, a new place to leave behind the last years of your miserable life and begin anew. But before you jump off that city bus with your lanyards swinging on your neck and that youthful enthusiasm at seven in the morning, take a look-see through this list and cut all that shit out. Remember you are new here. You have a lot of growing up to do, so here are some helpful hints to facilitate it: Figure it out: This is the U of M, yes it’s big, we already know, thank you. "Minnesota nice," you’ll notice, is absent from this campus. Why? We have bigger things to do than taking you by the hand and showing you where that psychology class is. So stop asking for directions and get a map. Dorms are for hiding: Those milk carton-size dorms are not a slice of heaven. Bringing a girl back to your “mancave” will not impress her, it is not where you “get the party started,” or any party for that matter. That is where dreams go to die. Put the trophies away: No one - absolutely no one gives a damn about anything you did in high school. Sorry sweetie, leave it at your parents’ house next to that participation ribbon. You sucked then, and here’s the real twist: You still do, and you will for a while. We talk. We’re not always asking you out: That deer-in-the-headlights look you get when someone asks you anything, followed by that stupid grin... No, you’re not special. She just wanted to know where the library was, that did not include your half hour tour where you were led around it, or the excessive texting that followed for the next month after the unfortunate woman finally caved and gave you her number. Know where you’re welcome: Do not come to an upperclassmen party. It does not matter who invited you, what colors you’re wearing or even if you have family there. If you didn’t come in with them, then you’re not wanted. Leave now with your pride on the floor like the bottle of 99 Bananas you would’ve puked up.
up and coming: asker
the twin cities' newest addition to a long list of good music.
page 4
Feeling sick? Leave the party: Two words: alcohol tolerance. Get some. There is nothing worse than a party going full swing stops dead because some freshmen decided to bring their grandpa’s whiskey, only to figure out exactly why he drinks that Johnnie Walker Blue Label alone next to the fireplace. No one likes to clean up that mess. Look up to your elders: Friday night? Don’t look down on us upperclassmen for going out and drinking our mistakes away while you’re out running around in skin-tight catsuits playing capture the flag. Hell, if you’re smooth enough you might even get a few of us to play along.
not at all what we’re expecting when we hear those words, but by the end of the night the only thing seeing any action is the couch thanks to the asses glued there all night. Pay your dues: Don’t you dare attempt to walk into class hung over and sleep through it. You haven’t suffered, slept, or cheated your way through enough courses to deserve that luxury. Your sense of entitlement will be stripped as quickly as your girlfriend at that frat party she didn’t tell you about. Please, read carefully. Sincerely,
Stop trying to get us to join: Stop inviting us out to those stupid role-playing nights. Not only are they
what’s inside
Acceptable Excuses For Neglecting Your OnCampus Job Tickling the pickle isn't on here page 5
- Upperclassmen
from the streets
how would you recommend spending your 21st birthday in Minneapolis?
page 6