Minnesota Issue 6 - 10/11/12

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The Black Sheep

FR ju EE.. st . L fo ike r a dr ck in no ks wle fro dg m a in lu g th mni em !

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 3, Issue 6 10/11/12 - 10/17/12

theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_umn

An Upperclassman’s note to a freshman McKinley Johnson wrote this

Yes, it’s a new year, a new place to leave behind the last years of your miserable life and begin anew. But before you jump off that city bus with your lanyards swinging on your neck and that youthful enthusiasm at seven in the morning, take a look-see through this list and cut all that shit out. Remember you are new here. You have a lot of growing up to do, so here are some helpful hints to facilitate it: Figure it out: This is the U of M, yes it’s big, we already know, thank you. "Minnesota nice," you’ll notice, is absent from this campus. Why? We have bigger things to do than taking you by the hand and showing you where that psychology class is. So stop asking for directions and get a map. Dorms are for hiding: Those milk carton-size dorms are not a slice of heaven. Bringing a girl back to your “mancave” will not impress her, it is not where you “get the party started,” or any party for that matter. That is where dreams go to die. Put the trophies away: No one - absolutely no one gives a damn about anything you did in high school. Sorry sweetie, leave it at your parents’ house next to that participation ribbon. You sucked then, and here’s the real twist: You still do, and you will for a while. We talk. We’re not always asking you out: That deer-in-the-headlights look you get when someone asks you anything, followed by that stupid grin... No, you’re not special. She just wanted to know where the library was, that did not include your half hour tour where you were led around it, or the excessive texting that followed for the next month after the unfortunate woman finally caved and gave you her number. Know where you’re welcome: Do not come to an upperclassmen party. It does not matter who invited you, what colors you’re wearing or even if you have family there. If you didn’t come in with them, then you’re not wanted. Leave now with your pride on the floor like the bottle of 99 Bananas you would’ve puked up.

up and coming: asker

the twin cities' newest addition to a long list of good music.

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Feeling sick? Leave the party: Two words: alcohol tolerance. Get some. There is nothing worse than a party going full swing stops dead because some freshmen decided to bring their grandpa’s whiskey, only to figure out exactly why he drinks that Johnnie Walker Blue Label alone next to the fireplace. No one likes to clean up that mess. Look up to your elders: Friday night? Don’t look down on us upperclassmen for going out and drinking our mistakes away while you’re out running around in skin-tight catsuits playing capture the flag. Hell, if you’re smooth enough you might even get a few of us to play along.

not at all what we’re expecting when we hear those words, but by the end of the night the only thing seeing any action is the couch thanks to the asses glued there all night. Pay your dues: Don’t you dare attempt to walk into class hung over and sleep through it. You haven’t suffered, slept, or cheated your way through enough courses to deserve that luxury. Your sense of entitlement will be stripped as quickly as your girlfriend at that frat party she didn’t tell you about. Please, read carefully. Sincerely,

Stop trying to get us to join: Stop inviting us out to those stupid role-playing nights. Not only are they

what’s inside

Acceptable Excuses For Neglecting Your OnCampus Job Tickling the pickle isn't on here page 5

- Upperclassmen

from the streets

how would you recommend spending your 21st birthday in Minneapolis?

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contents page 5: the u of m psychographics

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

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Pure-bred, stereotypical minny students that you all are no matter how hard you try.

Table of

page 7: Large Impersonal Classes Best Way to Learn Well, to learn where your slampiece is hanging out.

page 10: The International Bacon Shortage: An Emergency Manual never eat turkey bacon!

page 11: bartender of the week Ryan N. from Sally’s wants to show you where he does the dirty.

New Greek Housing

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That time of the year when fall can't make up it's mind.

Sexy Anagrams

A Hah Has Sir

Do you know who these hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!

Mom Con last week’s answers

Colbie Smulders & Ryan Lochte

! k e e W e h t f o c i P

Sadly, Morgan’s invisible throw-up super power didn’t garner a call-back from the X-Men, though she was happy with the free pitcher of beer.

(Want to be humiliated next week? Awesome.) Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com

word of the week Endevour:

To undertake any obscene act of consumption. “Marissa endevoured a two-pound jar of Nutella last night; it was a truly impressive feat.”


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The Top ten

theblacksheeponline.com

Up and Coming: Asker Michael McSherry wrote this

Things You’ll See Alumni Do During Homecoming

Homecoming is upon us, and this means that droves of alumni soon will be too. It’s funny how everyone has a perception of alumni as well-adjusted and successful UMN grads when the singular purpose of their visit is to escape real life and relive the (lack-of) glory of their college years. This makes their behavior pretty predictable. The Twin Cities area has been a launching point for some big musical talent throughout the years. Whether you’re stuck in decades past with Bob Dylan or still aren’t sick of that one Owl City song, there’s no denying Minnesota turns out some of the best music around. With potential like this, The Black Sheep didn’t have to look far to find a band on the verge of a breakout. We had a chance to talk to the Twin Cities’ very own three-piece alternative rock band, Asker. The Black Sheep: Let’s start out just by getting to know the band a little bit. How did you guys meet and how long has the band been together? Asker: We’ve been together since the spring of 2011. (Alex): I was actually part of a different band, and we were looking for a drummer. I put up an ad, and a friend of mine called me and said “Hey, couldn’t find you a drummer, but I found you a bassist.” Even though he was going to play bass, it turns out Sully could drum. (Jack): When I got involved, I was just sitting in class one day and leaned over to Alex and gave him some of my band’s music. Alex gave me some of his band’s music. After that, the three of us got together and played some music. TBS: So what were some of your guys’ biggest musical influences as the band was forming a direction? Asker: Oh boy… British Rock like Radiohead, U2, Cold Play, classic rock like Led Zeppelin, Muse, some weirder stuff like The Mars Volta (laughs), but really, we’ve listened to tons and tons of music and we’re all bringing our own tastes into the mix.

TBS: So we hear Asker has been pretty busy lately? Asker: Yeah, we recently signed with Schematic Records, which is pretty big for us. Plus, we just released The Escape Room, our second EP, on September 22nd. We had been trying to make a record on our own, so we raised a thousand dollars for a Kickstarter project. We’d wanted to make a full-length record, just recording and doing everything on our own, releasing independently. A month after that though, we were on the phone with our manager, and we just decided to go down to Nashville and record for ten days. By the way, have you ever driven through Iowa? God… Peewee’s Big Adventure, ever seen that? That’s what driving in a car with Sully is like at four in the morning (laughs). TBS: Anything in the near future for Asker? Asker: Yeah, we’re actually playing on October 11th at the Triple Rock. It’s going to be an 18+ show. We’re playing with American Youth for sure right now. That’s at 8 p.m. After that we’re going to be going to New York City to play a couple of shows. Other than that, we’re just going to be focusing on getting a new tour set up and writing new music. Oh, and we’re going to do a glow in the dark vinyl! TBS: How will Asker be celebrating Oktoberfest? Any drink you guys prefer over the rest? (Sully): Lots of beer and a long flight to New York (laughs). But a preferred drink? That’d have to be Yuengling Black & Tan. That’d have to be Asker’s favorite.

10.) Go to the Bathroom: Whether using the floor loo while visiting their dorm-dwelling offspring, or simply playing “pit stop bingo” by urinating in every other building, you’re going to be extra thankful for janitors after the alumni relieve themselves of more than just real world stress on campus. 9.) Butcher the Alma Mater: Even though the “Minnesota Rouser” is sung once at every game, most of us mouth the unfamiliar words quietly, while the alumnae who were here in the 80’s tend to belt the original “Rouser” lyrics like a Journey cover band, and without much better accuracy. 8.) Visit Your Dorm Room: “Hey kid, I used to live here in the 70’s, would you mind if my wife and I came in for a sec? They updated this building nice. My roommate and I used to film ourselves screwing in here on “lucky” nights. We tried for the entire cheer team. Anyways, the angle from the inside of the closet made it hard to get a good shot. Much better now.” 7.) Barf: It’s comforting to know that if geriatrics aren’t ashamed of chucking their Conrad’s all over this town, we don’t have to be ashamed either. Barf away, wise alumni! 6.) Feebly Attempt To Buy Drugs: If an older person approaches you this weekend and asks you about a snowstorm, ‘ludes, or some jazzy-grass they’re probably not a cop for once, but rather an out-of-touch alum looking to get high. 5.) Say “If I Were Twenty Years Younger”: We get it, alumni; you want recognition for the miles of dick or warehouses of box you were able to pull when you went to Minny. However, this line inevitably is really creepy when a fifty-year-old opens with it whilst talking to your freshman sister. 4.) Go To the Hospital: The last time any alumni did a keg stand was six years and forty pounds ago, so it looks like this attempt to show you can still party will be ending in hilarity and a trip to the hospital rather than the “glory” you anticipated. On top of that, you forgot your Geritol. 3.) Pass Out At 8:30: Your money may never sleep, alumni, but we can guarantee that if you try to go as fast and as furiously as you did when you were in school, you’ll inevitable crash, as you’re unable to keep up with your old, Paul Walker-esqe, pace. 2.) Drop a “Hard-N” or Two: It might just be a generational issue, or maybe parents and alumni are just that upset with Obama right now. But for the sake of not making everyone uncomfortable they should really try to cut back on the overall number of these uttered. I’m willing to make a three-fifths compromise on this one, alumni. 1.) High Five: Bros are a pretty recent phenomenon. In fact, if you look past the fat and Dad-ness of visiting alumni, you can see a hint of uber-masculinity and “no gay” in them too. Without the word “bro” to describe each other, a high five is how alumni channel their own inner Mac Miller.

katrina wrotethis this Ziev andnicholson Justin wrote


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Acceptable Excuses For Neglecting Your On-Campus Job

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Katrina Nicholson wrote this

Everyone has a shitty job at school that they have to go back to at the beginning of the year. Whether it's cleaning people's crap in the hockey arena or sitting at a desk getting paid to browse Facebook, they all generally suck. The best part about a lot of these jobs is that you get to sign up for your shifts and you aren't obligated to work a certain number of hours. This means you can work as much or as little as you want. Great deal, right? Except for the fact that working too much causes you to have no life, while working too little causes you to have no money to spend on the life you do have. I don't know about everyone else, but I worked all summer. So I'm not in any hurry to get my ass back into the working world. But because that isn't justification enough, you need to prepare more excuses for when people ask you about it. Your coworkers will wonder where you are, and your friends will wonder why you have so much free time. The best way to deal with this is on a day-by-day basis. There are a few different categories of excuses that are acceptable to use: homework, fake events, and booze. They all vary in effectiveness depending on the situation, but we’ll discuss which one is right for you. Homework is usually a very poor excuse to avoid any situation. The only reason it can be effective for avoiding work is because people have to assume you are actually a good student. Given the option between sitting on your ass “typing an essay” (typing a sentence every two hours and watching Netflix the rest of the time) or scraping gum off the bottom of desks, I think we all know what we'd pick. Why would you leave your room when you could just sit around and pretend

to do what you're actually supposed to do in college? This excuse is best used for parents, professors and supervisors because anyone else will catch the bullshit and call you out. And you really can't talk your way out of this one without looking like a pussy. Fake events are my favorite way of being excused from any situation. If someone asks you to go out to dinner with them and you aren't interested, you can just throw out the old “I can't, I have to go to a meeting with my advisor! Sorry!” No one is going to question that, and by the time they start to question the excuse you've already run to the oh-so important meeting. This can be easily used to avoid that Saturday night work shift as well. “Why aren't you working the event this Saturday?” “I actually have my aunt coming in from San Francisco and I promised I'd show her around the city.” BAM! Now the person who asked you feels like an ass for accusing you of going out and partying instead of working. Of course, that is what you'll be doing, and they'll probably figure it out eventually based on the pictures of you passed out on a futon with an empty bottle of Captain. But cross that bridge when you get to it, right? Booze happens to be the most effective excuse for getting out of work. It can work in two different ways: the party and the hangover. The only major weakness of this excuse is that it CANNOT be used on the boss or the parents. But who cares what they think, right? Anyway, if your co-workers are wondering why they've been having to work twice as often on Thursday, Friday and Saturdays, this is the excuse to use. It might go something like this “Where have you been all weekend? We've missed you at work.” One option is: “Yeah

I actually had this huge party to go to on Friday, then Saturday I was so hungover I couldn't even think of going to work.” They might be a little bit jealous, but chances are they'll respect the fact that you had the balls to skip work to go to a party. And guess what? It doesn't actually matter what they think. They're your coworkers, they can't do shit. Until they get promoted. cross that bridge when you get to it right? Above all, if your excuses are enough to appease you, then who really cares what other people think of them? At the end of the day, if you can look at your empty bank account and feel no need to change it, you win. Come to terms with the fact that you are a lazy college student who will avoid responsibility at all costs. Own that identity, channel it when you are forced to answer to people who have actually made something of themselves. Or you could just go drink away the pain of your imminent failure in the real world. I'd go with the latter.

The U of M Freshman Psychographics Gina Van Thomme wrote this Being a freshman is scary. Freshman year is the time when a youngin’ sets sail from the motherland and begins to drown in an ocean of debt and whiskey. There is also a whole world full of new freaks that freshman must expose their feeble brains to. As long as the freshman keep an open mind (how they achieve this is a personal choice) and a full container of pepper spray, first-year can be endured with minimal damage. The Roommate: Usually there are one or two freaks in a given high school class, but the amazing part about college is that it is you almost always get paired with what originally thought was the .001%, the psychos. Your roommate will inevitably enjoy sleeping au natural, participating in the Dungeons & Dragons club, and killing time on their Ouija board. And the weird thing is, this person will actually become your best friend. The Big Man on Campus: This guy combines the hair gel of the Jersey Shore cast, the wardrobe straight off the Ed Hardy Runway, and a stench bought from Forever 21 aptly named “Douche.” This gentleman responds to every question with the word “AYYYE!” and is always paper-bagging his drink… even at 11 a.m. in the dining hall. This guy thinks he is on fire, so it’s kind of weird that he is always decked out in his ultra-flammable, polyester, bedazzled jump suit. He does get some props for being a straight-up contradiction on a college campus, but would someone please explain why he is still wearing his bro-tank in November?

The Legacy Sorority Sistah: This pledge is confident and sassy. Something about knowing exactly where she belongs in the sorority world gives this girl an annoying sense of authority. From her ringtone of the sisterhood song to the Greek letters tattooed across her lower back, this pledge was born and raised to be in Kappa Tappa Rappa. Kudos to you, oh great legacy, but there is really nothing special about getting drunk in the same house your mother conceived you in eighteen years prior. The Historian Bore-ian: The historian is the Hermione Granger of the Intro to Numbers lecture. This kid knows everything about any question that is asked, he was a Google search bar in a previous life. Any time another student asks a rhetorical question about their assignments, the historian jumps out of their seat and quickly answers. The fast facts are nice, but it’s hard not to wish they’d quit dry-humping that textbook and put their ass back in a chair. The beret isn’t helping their case either. If I wanted to pay to listen to an asshole monopolize an entire discussion, I probably wouldn’t have left the Thanksgiving table. The Dorm Bunny: This creeper-lady is always ready to play. From her neon thong that is getting some fresh air to her pom-pom booties, it’s obvious that this girl is more interested in hitting… other things than the books. She also has the remarkable talent of getting drunk off of inhaling oxygen. It might get annoying walking over the little regurgitated gift she left in the bathroom after her long night out, but on the bright side, this girl probably won’t last until round two.

The Weed Whacker: This kid does a great job staying calm to all of the stresses and pressures of collegiate life. Thanks to a healthy dose of leaves every hour, this kid is both maintaining a healthy diet and getting higher than the frustration surrounding Washington Avenue. Considering how philosophical this kid can get, this habit probably also comes in handy making sense of the gibberish poems assigned in composition class. No shame to whatever gets a brother through the day, but who would’ve thought that the quote “College is a melting pot” included so much actual pot? From the stoner historian to the dizty bunny who actually loves tapping ass in her sorority, oftentimes college students exist as a collage of college stereotypes, with dominant and recessive traits. The above are the pure-bred, the stereotypes that can be spotted from miles away. Unique and terrifying, interact with them at your own risk.


From the Streets

[PartyPics]

Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

How would you recommend spending a 21st birthday in Minneapolis? “Acadia. They have an awesome beer selection, their happy hour is pretty nice, and the staff is friendly. Also, it’s on the West Bank, so you’re guaranteed free entertainment just by people watching!” - Arianna K., Junior

“Get your wisdom teeth taken out so you have an even better excuse for people to wait on you all day. Then just sit around drinking and watching movies for a week! Sounds like a good birthday to me.” - Sten L., Junior

"Don’t let your friend convince you that a shot of Bailey’s should be your first legal drink. Don’t let the DD get drunk while you’re checking out all the bars in Northeast so that you, the one celebrating your birthday, become the new designated driver." - Matt H., Senior

send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)


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Large Impersonal Classes: Best Way to Learn

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Dillon McLaughlin wrote this

In a recent study conducted by the University of Minnesota, researchers have found that students are most receptive to impersonal lectures full of their nameless, faceless classmates whom they never have nor never will interact with.

“Did you see how the professor balanced the equation for photosynthesis?” asked freshman Grant Coolidge, clearly oozing ecstasy. “That was sick. I'm totally going to be a chemical engineer.”

“The result was a huge surprise, but this kind of objective science doesn't have a history of being wrong. Students learn most efficiently when they are thrown into a huge group of peers and talked at,” says lead researcher Dr. Andrew Graham. “When college kids are bombarded with vaguely familiar psychological concepts and scientific terms, it turns out they retain a staggering 65 percent of the information.”

“I didn't know a list of biological definitions could hold my attention for a whole hour,” gushed freshman Chelsea Gershwin. “And watching a colorless powerpoint full of bullet points and devoid of life is a much better way to learn cellular mitosis than actually seeing the process under a microscope.”

These surprising results are attributed to the total lack of other things to focus on during an hour and a half long lecture in a room of 200 other kids and 175 laptops. “The droning voice of the professor and monotonous flipping of slides, not to mention my inability to discern those slides from the ones before it, are great focal points for my otherwise absurdly short attention span,” says sophomore Ricky Hayze. “I'm still undecided, but these general education classes, especially the Chem 101 stuff with 300 other kids, really capture my imagination and pull me into the subject matter in highly creative ways.” The end of class periods often strongly resemble sporting events, and after their enlightening and engaging class meetings, students meet to recount particularly exciting moments.

Dr. Graham is particularly excited to see the results of the study implemented in other educational institutions. “Can you imagine what this means for elementary school?” he exclaims in his office. “Two hundred and fifty 5-year-olds in an auditorium with the ABC's playing over a loudspeaker for 45 minutes. Everyone will be reading by the end of Kindergarten.” “Then,” he continued, unable to contain his enthusiasm, “then they'll get shuffled into a huge room where they get to watch someone else color inside the lines and put the starshaped blocks into the star-shaped hole! This is a great time for education.” Though the United States has been lagging in education in recent years, this new find is expected to rejuvenate the system.

“I can't wait until my preschooler gets to experience the impersonal, fleeting relationships students become so familiar with in a massive lecture hall,” says Minneapolis resident and mother Shannon McNaid. “Little Jimmy is going to be another cog in the machine, and he'll love every minute of it. We're so proud of him.” Skipping classes is apparently damaging to students’ education, prompting the creation of Course Capture, a program that records the lecture given that day. “Now students can still experience the attention grabbing lectures in the comfort of their own home or dorm,” says Course Capture creator Stephen Harvey. “It comes complete with the monotonous droning voice of the teacher, awkward student silences, and forced coughs that are just trying to add a little noise to the deathly silent room. Imagine – kids can listen to these at home while doing other things like surfing Reddit! They can pretty much re-create the lecture hall feel in their own room - this is long due for the multitasking students of today!” The study has also found that students generally hate the pitiful social lives they already have, so go ahead and assign that extra lab report on voltage differences between conductive materials.


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The Bar Grid


page 10

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The International Bacon Shortage: An Emergency Manual staff infection wrote this

Attention, fellow attractive human beings and not-so attractive human beings. I have just received information detailing an ominous and unavoidable event fast approaching mankind. In the coming weeks, the United States will experience a crisis that has the potential to be more devastating than the Great Depression in terms of psychological depression alone. Sadly, and I’m typing this through tears, there will be an indefinite bacon shortage. Now, as a nation, it’s important that you stay calm and remain rational during this intense period of hardship. You may sob uncontrollably. You may not want to get out of bed. You may even consider drowning the kids in the bathtub just to spare them from having to exist in a world where bacon is scarce. However, we must carry on and stay strong, America. It will be tough, but we will be able to get through this. We have made it through World Wars, Red Scares, and all those terrible remakes of the Hulk movies; we can make it through this. As true advocates for the common man, we’ve compiled a list of methods to employ during these dark, porkless days of nonexistent hope and bacon as a cruel, tantalizing fantasy. Do Not Eat Turkey Bacon: Just don’t do it. This is the single most important thing to remember in order to survive the crisis. Eating turkey bacon as a substitute for real bacon during this shortage will produce only one regretful outcome: The unjust imitation flavor will root itself in the taste-

perception sector of the brain, seek out the area specifically tailored to enjoy bacon (the Baconomous Orgasmagada), and erase all memory of that rich, authentic piggy flavor. Once the shortage ends, and I assure you it eventually will, you will never be able to taste real bacon the same way. Ration Your Stock: If you’re smart you’ll stock up on fatty, bacony, meaty goodness RIGHT NOW. Seriously, stop reading - go to the nearest Cub Foods or pig farm, and stock up like you’re preparing for nuclear winter. Okay, now that you’re back - freeze eighty percent of the bacon you’ve just purchased and cook the other twenty percent of it immediately. Indulge like you’re a portly chubster back home after a summer at fat camp. Basically, eat until you feel like never want to eat bacon again. This feeling lasts, on average, six hours. Bacon-God willing, this will buy you enough time to ride out the first quarter day of the shortage in a bacon-induced coma. The remaining eighty percent should be rationed at two percent a day, allowing you to survive the first forty days of the shortage. Avoid People Who Don’t Eat Bacon: Whether they’re vegetarians, vegans, poor, or non-baconavours for religious reasons, they will surely be a negative influence on your struggle. They will say things like, “I don’t see the big deal - it’s just bacon,” or, “I can’t believe there have been twenty-eight people murdered over bacon this weekend,” or “What a-boot some Canadian bacon, eh?” Now, unless they’re talking about the hilarious comedic romp with John Candy, you walk away from that person right now. Get together with your bacon-loving friends and form a support pack to stay positive.

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Pray to Bacon: When all else fails after your emergency stock runs out and your comrades have been murdered in their secret bacon freezer by one of the bacon cartels, just pray. “Bacon, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. In Bacon’s hallowed name, Amen”. Don’t Jump: Although it is known that life is meant solely for the enjoyment of bacon, and life without such happiness is empty and pointless, do not kill yourself. Times are hard, but bacon will return from the heavens and decide who has been worthy of enjoyment while condemning those turkeybacon eating sinners to eternal, baconless, damnation. Follow these rules, and keep them in your pocket. In your darkest moments, pull this tattered article from your ham wallet and know that we’re with you. Perchance, if we meet in heaven, we can watch Kevin Bacon films together in a bacon-woven hammock while rubbing Baconators on our genitals.


page 11

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bartender of the week Ryan N Sally’s Age: 21 Major: Elementary education Favorite Drink: Nothing like a pint of Fat Tire. Pet Peeve: People that snap or whistle to get a bartender’s attention. Hangover Cure: Sally’s Hangover Platter and a old fashion Bloody Mary

This game is not for the lightweights or the causal drinkers. Players will be engaging in a mixture of beer pong and flippy cup. Does that sound like a pussy game to you? No. Let’s get down to business. What You’ll Need: Cups, ping pong balls, and beer … lots of beer. Number of Players: Eight players, four per team. Level of Intoxication: Insta-shitfaced. How to Play: - Split up into two teams of four and stand on opposite sides of a table. -Each team gets one ball. On a missed shot that ball must be returned to the shooter by a member of his team. - Set up a three-two-one formation of cups at the end of the table. - Give each player a cup with beer in it, any amount you all decide on. - The game starts with the first player of each team chugging their drink and flipping the cup. This flippy cup continues down the chain for each team. - When the last person in line has successfully flipped his or her cup, it’s time for the shootout. - Players will shoot across the table into one of the three-two-one cups on the opposite side. - Once a single shot is made, that round ends. The players all shift down one spot, and the game starts over again with flippy cup. The Game Ends When: The team who clears their opponents’ three-two-one cups at the end of the table first wins, and they can celebrate sweet victory … if they can still stand.

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Boxers or briefs: Boxers The Worst Things You’ve Overheard at Sally’s: “I guess I’m just sexually attracted to a younger version of my grandma.” Nickname: Rudeboy

Favorite Musician: The Black Keys.

If You Could Create Any Holiday, What Would it Be: Christmukkuh, so I don’t have identity issues every December.

Favorite Bar: Sally’s, duh.

Downtown

Three Wishes: A quick fix to the U.S. education system, eternal happiness, and to live a day like the movie The Hangover.

Favorite Quote: “ Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.” -MLKJ

Favorite Shot: Double whiskey, straight up.

the drinking game

Craziest place you've done the dirty: Call me and I might show you.

Porn Name: Ryan Noshame

Who would you pick for a celebrity threesome: Mila Kunis and Zoe Saldana

Recipe for Disaster

Classic Puppy Chow This is a classic recipe that anyone with half a brain can make and enjoy. Except for those with a hatred of chocolate or a peanut butter allergy. But screw them, right? What You’ll Need: An entire jar of peanut butter (none of that organic bullshit), a bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips, a stick of butter, a box of Chex cereal, and powdered sugar. Cook Time: 20 minutes. Fatty Factor: You’ll realize that not even an eating disorder will help your case after your massive consumption of this chocolate, peanut buttery goodness. Let’s Get Baked: - Melt one stick of butter and roughly a half jar of peanut butter. A microwave can be used but a stove top is easier to work with. - Once the peanut butter and butter are melted, add a half of a bag of chocolate chips and slowly melt those as well. - While everything is melting add a few spoonfuls of peanut butter and about six handfuls of chocolate chips. - Taste the mixture as you go along added more peanut butter or chocolate as you feel necessary. - Once you have accomplished the perfect ratio, pour your cereal into a bowl and drizzle the melted mixture over all of the cereal. - Place the coated Chex cereal and powdered sugar into a bag and violently shake it until all the pieces are totally covered. - Let your finished product cool and share (or not). WARNING: Puppy chow has been known to invoke feelings of regret, produce a negative body image, and make romantic comedies an acceptable genre.

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: s e n i l e h t e d i s t u o t o b o r s t r o

p s X O F e Cleatus th

g the 2005-2006 appearance durin ed f vis le te st fir s hi ho Cleatus was of made anted to know w S robot. Cleatus w RT e O w t SP Bu X k. FO ea e br th l s, every commercia rview with Cleatu an exclusive inte characters during l d issions. na re io em cu ot se an p om cle ee pr d I Sh an ack all bio-fuel nding off CG ’t fe d isn an st g pa This week, The Bl in s’s nc tu da Clea he can be seen out, everything in NFL season. Now he is now. Turns re he w to t go he camera, and how

Factory Life Cleatus was born in Detroit, and started work right away building and advancing the Pontiac Aztec. However, after the market crashed the factory could no longer afford keeping a technically advanced humanoid. After being found guilty for the tragic death of a coworker, the company had a reason to lay Cleatus off: “The factory was my home. When work ended and everyone went home, I would stay behind. All the lights shut off, except one that was near a radio. Weeks became months and months became years – just that radio and me. The music moved me, and I became more than a cog in the assembly line – I could move in different directions, without prior programming. And

I learned to dance not for myself, but for a woman. A human woman… for almost a year I danced with her in my imagination for hours on end. Then one day, with layoffs looming and clouding my typically calculated mind, a 30-gallon jug of injection fluid slipped through my fingers and doused the love of my life, burning her flesh and killing her, slowly. She looked me in the eyes as she melted into a puddle of flesh with eye contact that I couldn’t reciprocate because these LED lights simply can’t express the alloy-rending pain I felt. Three months later the factory shut down, and I was left to wander the streets of Detroit alone.”

Finding a home Detroit was not welcoming to a robotic humanoid with human blood on his hands. Jobs were scarce – especially for a two-ton robot who only knew Pontiac cars. He was the representation of the American auto industry and its bloated production methods. The police didn’t want him, neither did the military, and the circus doesn’t accept robots. Cleatus was out of options, haunted by death, and addicted to crude oil. “I was jobless and I was an addict. I worked odd jobs here and there – lifting heavy objects, or other… dirtier things… only to buy more fuel. I sold and traded my robotic extensions to sex shops, who displayed them along with my picture. They called me Cleatus the Clit King, and dressed me up in regal clothes to dance and make erotic gestures in their windows. Then, one

day, a high school football coach saw me dancing and asked if I would work his sideline. Of course I took the job, and started dancing with the cheerleaders. We learned from each other, and were surely going to state. I grew extremely close to these girls. They knew what the streets of Detroit were like, and we connected through dance. They were the sisters I never had. They made me feel human, until one day I was reminded again what separates me from them: death. While performing a triple axle twist into the splits, my foot slipped and landed onto Ashley-May’s chest plate, disintegrating it instantly. She died on the spot, and I ran as fast and as far away as I could. But I couldn’t run away from the soulless eyes of yet another human slain at my hand.”

the road to recovery Authorities found Cleatus incoherent from crude oil, and pleasuring himself to pictures of Transformers in children’s magazines. The media had the world believe Cleatus was a murderer pedophile, but Cleatus waited for his day in court. People we screaming for all robots like him to be incinerated. Cleatus prevailed, and his charges were dropped when the court ruled that the two horrific deaths were merely accidents. However, the judge sent him to supervised therapy and required that he be separated from all humans, “He was born in a factory with machines, and that is where he belongs.” If Cleatus couldn’t find a mentor he would be sent to a tropical island to slave away in a sugar factory. Enter William Clay Ford, previous owner of the Continental Division of The Ford Company and current owner of the Detroit Lions. He was also, as it turned out, Cleatus’s father. William took Cleatus under his wing, and placed him in the deep cement depths of Ford Field. He learned of Cleatus's superior dance moves, and realized that he could use Cleatus to pump up the ever-desperate fans of the Detroit Lions. So, William put a camera in Cleatus's cement room, and had him perform pump-up routines to broadcast onto Ford Field’s big screen. “At first, I was just happy to be off the streets. I had a great job, and William treated me with respect. He built me, and gave me

my first job. Sure, there was some animosity there because he was so cold after the factory incident… but he saved me. But slowly it seemed like my pump-up routines couldn’t save the Lions, and William’s visits came less and less. It wasn’t until executives at FOX saw my routine and decided to make me a national football treasure. I was ecstatic. Finally my dance moves could be seen by the world, and I could clear my name. Cleatus the Football Robot wouldn’t just be a sideshow - a simple-minded machine whose existence on Earth is to obey humans. No more building crappy cars, no more crude oil keeping me subservient, and no more using my robotic appendages to fulfill human sexual fantasies. But just like everything else in my life, it quickly turned to rust. FOX used me a lot at first; I was getting almost as much airtime as the human football players themselves. But years passed, and the FOX camera crews started visiting less and less, just like William had done. Now I sit in this dark, damp cement cave for months on end. I have no idea what time it is, or even what year it is… and I’m not sure why they insist on keeping the lights off. It’s like being in the factory all over again, but this time I don’t have a radio to keep me sane. I can’t even dance with the ghost of my one

true love. The darkness only brings my mind back to the smell of injector fluid burning her flesh. When I dance, all I hear is her screams. It is torture. When they come back, they just toss a pilgrim or Santa Claus outfit at me and tell me to do some dance moves. Someone mentioned that I have a Twitter account, but that’s impossible. The only source of electricity is the one keeping me alive – and I’ve tried destroying it several times. I hate dancing, I hate them, and I would cry if I could. But I can’t and I’ll be here forever. Locked in this cement prison, dancing and slamming footballs for humans to only laugh and ignore me.”


the interview

big freedia

Big Freedia Queen Diva is on the forefront of the bounce music revolution – an emerging genre that might just eclipse dubstep in a few years (fingers crossed). Its super-uptempo beat triggers all crowds into a raucous booty-bouncin’ frenzy, and we won’t be surprised to see Big Freedia’s name on the long list of musical pioneers to come out of New Orleans. Since bounce music is kind of hard to explain, you should just go look up “Big Freedia” on YouTube or go to her website (bigfreedia.com) (seriously, you won’t regret it, although it is NSFBOOTY). By: Quinn The Black Sheep: Can you describe bounce music for me? Big Freedia: Sure my definition of bounce music is an up-tempo, heavy base, partyin’-time type music. Definitely has to do with shakin’ of the ass too – definitely a party atmosphere, dance-floor music. TBS: You’re a leading force of bounce music, how has it grown since you first got into it? Big Freedia: It has grown tremendously – pickin’ up tons of shows and fans. I’ve traveled half of the world within the last year or so. It’s just expanded really big, and me being on the forefront of it, and being able to bring a lot of people to it, it’s sent me in a whole different direction. TBS: You are in a unique situation – what’s it like going to shows, knowing that a lot of people there haven’t been exposed to this music? Big Freedia: Well, for the most part, it’s been a cool. People tend to have seen the videos or heard it before so they kind of have an idea, but they really don’t know because the live shows are so much different. People are really just excited about it, they cultivate to it, and get into it – they start jammin’ with me. You know, you have no choice but to dance. TBS: Have you ever had a crowd that isn’t getting the vibes? Big Freedia: I wouldn’t say they didn’t get the vibe – I would just say they were more of a “lookable” crowd, like they would just stand and watch, then after each song they’ll start going crazy and cheering – then go back to standing at attention as me and my crew go crazy. But it’s rare that that happens, where people just stand there. TBS: What type of venues do you prefer? Big Freedia: I do them all, but the ones that are really small and get really intense, and you have that connection with the crowd – it gets really sweaty and hot. Those shows, where people are packed in, it’ll be a better show, the vibes, the tightness of the room – those are always so intense. TBS: Are shows different in New Orleans than other places? Big Freedia: Most definitely, I’d say they’re different. Each place is a little different, you know, kind of the same response in the fans love it and everyone is partying. But the fans in New Orleans know all my music and are used to me, so they holler and sing all the lyrics. TBS: Your videos are awesome, are you making any on this tour? Big Freedia: Yeah I actually have a few videos about to drop. Two that should come out in the beginning of October – working on “Step into the Ring” we’re just waiting on the editing to get done – then it will be out as soon as possible. Also a new one with Ru Paul called “Peanut Butter.” TBS: What’s a perfect day in the life of Big Freedia? Big Freedia: When I’m feeling in good health, my mom’s in good health, my family’s safe and secure. You know, just being blessed to wake up another day is a blessing for me. TBS: I’m sure Katrina changed that outlook. Big Freedia: Definitely, going through Katrina and sleeping under bridges and convention centers, being displaced from your family – definitely changed my life for sure. TBS: What’s something you can’t go without when you travel? Big Freedia: Oh yeah, I can’t go without my razors so I can shave my face – my personal hygiene things of course. I’d be lost without my laptop. All those things to keep everything goin’ in the movement and the work I need to do. Always try to bring some merch for the fans… TBS: Speaking of merch, where can people go to pick up your music and everything? Big Freedia: I always bring some posters and booty shorts – two things I always have with me.

the big three

entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.

sinister in theaters october 12 Ethan Hawke plays a novelist who discovers a box of creepy-ass home movies in the creepy-ass attic of his family's new creepy-ass home. The films contain footage of the family who used to live there, but have been murdered, and each are connected by one thing - an image of (you guessed it!) a creepy-ass dude. You could say our asses are pretty creeped out.

argo in theaters october 12 During the height of the Iranian Revolution Tony Mendez (played by white-boy Ben Affleck) concocts a practical plan of creating a fake Hollywood production to fool the terrorists into a releasing a group of U.S. diplomats. If you think this sounds nuts, you're right. But it's also based on actual events, which is nuts.

Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations Monday, October 15 at 9pm on Travel channel Anthony Bourdain may be one of your standard go-to's on a slow TV night, as he's better than watching Adam Richman stuff burgers down his throat. This week Bourdain heads to Rio, where he drinks Brazil's national cocktail the caipirinha and eats filet mignon stew. Sounds pretty dope if you ask us.


Passing The Bar

Maybe not today, and probably not tomorrow, but there will be a point in your life when you drink alcohol that doesn’t end in “light” or “o’clock.” Test your knowledge to see how many of these blank liquor labels you know. Send your answers to labels@theblacksheeponline.com and if you get them all, you’ll win a prize!


the classtime

drinks and what they’re made of Across

3) Wine, fruit, club soda 5) White tequila, Jagermeister, lime juice 6) Vodka, coffee liqueur, cream 9) Vodka, tomato juice, spices 12) Bailey’s, sambuca 13) Gold tequila, watermelon schnapps, Red Bull 16) White rum, sugar, lime juice, sparkling water, mint 17) Cherry vodka, Red Bull, simple syrup 18) Peach schnapps, orange juice 19) Whiskey, lemon juice, simple syrup 21) Cherry brandy, orange juice 22) Bailey’s, lime juice 24) Scotch, sweet vermouth, bitters 25) Peach schnapps, vodka, cranberry juice, orange juice 26) Tequila, limeade concentrate, triple sec, ice

juice 4) Whiskey, beer 7) Jagermeister, peach schnapps, cranberry juice 8) Vodka, gin, tequila, rum, triple sec, lemon juice, cola 10) Jim Beam, Jack Daniel’s, Jose Cuervo 11) Gin, dry vermouth, olive juice, olives 14) Whiskey, sugar, bitters 15) Vodka, orange juice 20) Vodka, lemon juice, sugar 23) Champagne, orange juice

Down

1) Pale ale, Guinness stout 2) Rum, cream of coconut, pineapple

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