The Black Sheep
fr hu ee.. g f . li ro ke m ap de ro sp m er ot at io e SUAna l gr bea ou r ps
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 8 • 3/14/13 - 3/20/13
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_umn
How to Make your Super Lame Spring Break
Sound Totally Awesome Rebecca Marsnik wrote this
It’s that time of year again. The temperature is above freezing and the snow is starting to melt. Over the sound of construction starting up again, you can hear the faint sound of birds chirping. That’s right. It’s almost springtime. And what does that mean? Yes, a shit load of midterms, but it’s also the time that most students have been counting down to since the semester started in January. What is this magical time? That’s right: spring break! The time when it’s okay to go out every night of the week, get wasted, and have sex with whoever the hell makes eye contact with you. The only problem is you’re going back home… NOT to some tropical paradise with all your friends. But worry not! With these simple tips, you can turn your boring, homebody spring break into the story of the century. You watched TV all week: This is not something you want to tell your roommate in the midst of his gloating about that “totally hot babe” who “wanted the D” yet failed to get her number or even her first name (though he distinctly remembered that she was a Kappa Kappa Gamma). When he finally stops to scoff and ask what possible fun you could have had, you break into a story about how you went on so many different adventures with all your new (cooler) friends. When your roommate skeptically asks about these adventures, you’re prepared with your own multi-colored alibi as well. If you watched romcoms, you found true love in a quaint little town next to your family’s spring break lake house, but the socioeconomic and geographic barriers were just too much. If you watched action movies, you almost died… hard… about four times (too many). And if you watched Jersey Shore or any dysfunctional reality show, you can vividly recount the many times you threw up. Your parents were gone so you slept in their bed: You can sum up this scenario with one statement: “Dude, I partied so hard I never even woke up in my own bed.” And if you want to make sure your friends don’t ask questions, just add an “if you know what I mean” at the end. Even if they don’t know what you mean, they’ll act like they know what you mean so they won’t get laughed at for not knowing what you mean… if you know what we mean. You had to pick your mom up at the bar at 5 in the morning: This situation is tricky. You start the story with, “Yeah man,
Top 10: Things for your "Night After" Kit
You know adult sleepovers are bound to happen, so be prepared.
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I was at the bar at the crack of dawn.” You must be careful not to say “still at the bar” or “until the crack of dawn” because then you’d be downright lying, and we don’t advocate (downright) lying here at The Black Sheep. If you’re lucky, this carefully thought-out statement will end the conversation with a chorus of “duuuuuuude” and high-fives from your bros. If you’re not lucky and your friends ask questions, you will have to go with the foolproof yet horrifying, “I picked up a woman.” This seems harmless enough until you realize that you’re using
what'’s inside
your mom as a fake hook-up. However, desperate times call for desperate measures, so just go wash your mouth out with soap, drink your weight in vodka, and never look at your mom again. It was a necessary evil. So there you have it. With a touch of Don Quixote-like deception, a dash of cunning, and a hint of prayer, your lame spring break has turned into a story told in hushed voices in the back of the Campus Connector for years to come.
Open Letter To The Middle Aged Student
Are you smarter than?
Please stop sweating profusely, it's the dead of winter.
Sydney from Blarney's didn't know which cereal is "kid-tested, mother approved". Do you?
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