The Black Sheep FR
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Lik e in cla th im e g in op g a he n e r w ar ay ly s . po
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 3, Issue 3 9/20/12 - 9/26/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_umn
Pretending You Actually Care About College Athletics katrina nicholson wrote this
Game day rolls around just like it does every week: people are dressed head to toe in maroon and gold as the patio drinking begins at 10 a.m. sharp. Some with face paint, some just with lame t-shirts. And just like every other week, you don't give half a shit. You got by with not caring in high school, but now that you're at a real university with Division I athletics, people are starting to notice. Well, you still don't give even an eighth of a shit at this point, and you aren't about to change now. How do you combat this issue without offending your classmates and losing your diehard sports-fan friends? First you need to be let in on a little secret: the majority of people who claim to be pumped for the football game are actually faking it. This may seem like an impossibility, but it's very real. Most of the people dressed in the over-the-top sports paraphernalia are actually just looking for an excuse to dress wAcKy and get wasted. Ask them the score at halftime - they'll have no idea where to even find the scoreboard. Hell, ask them who the opposing team is and they'll be baffled. But you'd never know it because they're so into the game that not you nor anyone else wants to disturb them from their intense focus. Your goal should be to join the ranks of these people. Everyone assumes they're huge fans even though they don’t actually even understand the concept of a touchdown. You too can be this clever. The first step to doing so involves buying a minimal amount of Gopher clothing. This will be your signal to the rest of the campus that you are aware that there is a sporting event, or even a sports team. While wearing this clothing, people may ask you “Hey you going to the game later?” To which you will always reply “Fuck yeah I am, can't wait!” This will usually be an acceptable interaction, which requires no knowledge of the event in question. If they question further with things such as “What did you think of last week?” or “Who do you think they'll start?” The best policy is always to say “I don't even know, all I know is that tonight I'll be too drunk to care.” By inserting this last statement, you signal that you are indeed a sports fan but that you are also down for a good time. At this point you can disconnect from the interaction and go on your merry way.
election protection it's an election year, which means captain buzzkill will force his opinions on you.
page 4
The easiest part is at the actual event. All you need to do is stand in the middle of a bunch of people who are overly excited about the game and copy everything they do. Seriously. When they scream, you scream. When they lose their shit, you lose your shit. When they throw their beer onto the field, you throw yours too. Maybe not the last one – keep some class. But who knows. They will grow fond of your dedication and make you one of their own.
what’s inside
top ten signs winter is coming to umn watching tv and gettin' fat, sounds like paradise....
page 4
Pretending to care about college athletics is very similar to actually caring about them. Most people who claim to be huge fans, are only actually there because their friends made them, or because they had nothing better to do with their night. You can transform yourself from a sports hater into a super fan in just a matter of seconds by following these small tips. Just remember, as you look across the sea of maroon and gold, eighty percent of those people have no clue what's going on.
the best places not to study at first they seem perfect,
but then they trick you into watching exchange students
page 7
contents page 5: dear diary: i'm back at school
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 5
after a long summer of abstinence, it's time to get back in the swing of things.
page 5: from the streets
Table of
what's the oddest moment that signaled to you it was time to end the party?
page 10: the different types of people you hate at the mall. all you have to do i keep walking and not be mike gould. is it that hard?
page 11: bartender of the week garret s. from sally's saloon and eatery once had sex while driving a car.
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COMING SOON 2013-2014 SCHOOL YEAR
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Sofia Vergara & Asthon Kutcher
Uhh...does anyone else notice someone drowning in the hottub? (Want to be famous next week? Awesome.) Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com
word of the week Bravadon’t:
An act of heroism meant to impress, resulting in embarrassing failure for the person in question. “Patrick’s had an act of bravadon’t when he broke his leg by jumping off of the roof.”
page 4
Election Protection UMN staff wrote this
The Top ten
theblacksheeponline.com
Signs Winter is coming to the U of M Campus 10) Goodbye Iced Coffee and Summer Beer: Pumpkin spice lattes, cinnamon-whatevers, and fall flavors are the new favorite in campus coffee shops like Bordertown and Mapps. While the bars and liquor stores are stocked with heavy, dark beers, the campus shifts to a more flavorful mentality. Grab your last Hefeweizen, drink concoctions like apple pie and vodka-cider are on their way. Seasons aren’t the only things that change.
With the start of another semester, you may currently be preoccupied with things like new classes, new apartments, and old drinking habits. That’s dandy, but you need to realize this is just the lull before the storm. You don’t need a radar dish or geriatric achy joints to predict this particular storm; it happens every four years like clockwork. This one is special, because instead of being bombarded by hail or inexplicably airborne cows, you’ll be drowning in a sea of politically charged debates and advertisements. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, the election year is upon us. So you’d best be ready to weather the political shit-storm when it hits. That’s not to say the spirit of the election isn’t something to get into, but like the whiskey at your grandma’s birthday party, it’s something to be enjoyed in moderation. Regardless of political affiliation, most people just want to keep to themselves until they can go cast their ballot and help keep the governmental machine chugging along for another term. But there’s something about the presidential election year that stirs up the crazies: those rabid, word-vomiting voters who love nothing more than killing everybody else’s mood. You know the type, they turn everything into a debate, never lose an opportunity to bump their favorite candidate, and constantly tell you how important it is to get active by voting (unless you’re voting against them, of course). These are the same kinds of people who, when they were young, would beat a hornet’s nest with a stick and be surprised when everybody stopped having fun. So what is there to do for the rest of us? If you are not one of those who eat, breathe, and sleep politics, the election buzz can seem inescapable. As we approach the election, there are things you can do to successfully defuse political tension should it arise.
If you find yourself face to face with somebody intent on convincing you who to vote for, or telling you which side to take on certain issues, try telling them you’ve decided to cast a write-in ballot for the piano-playing internet cat. With any luck, they’ll become flustered enough to shut up. If you find yourself watching some punk that vomits political jargon and uses the terms “economy” and “society” like it’s their job, simply take another sip of your drink and interrupt with some amazing news – “YOU GUYS, I’M CLEAN. I GOT TESTED AND WE’RE GOOD TO GO! LET’S CALL SOME HOOKERS AND HAVE SOME UNPROTECTED SEX.” Find yourself in the middle of a Facebook thread war on LGBT rights? Simply unfollow the post and never be bothered by its notifications ever again – but not before first getting one last remark in: “You guys are gay.” Hey, it’s the truth. Politics in the media are a little harder to get away from. Newspapers, magazines, radio, and television will be running plenty of political advertisements. That means you can turn to your reliable friends like Netflix, the internet, or seventeenth century British literature. Ad-free services can provide you with a break from all the commotion. To be clear: voting is great. You should probably do it. Respectfully sharing opinions is good. Do that too. But there’s something about major elections that flips a switch, making some normally respectable people turn into the offensive, tactless dolts who seem all too commonplace every four years. Respect other people’s boundaries, and ask that they respect yours. Don’t be afraid to change the subject, leave the table, or turn the TV off. If need be, board the windows and sit in your basement for a couple months; the election will pass.
9) Erratic Drivers: The first time it snows—which, let’s face it, is usually early October—everyone seems to believe that they are allowed to be a complete nimrod on the road. So, by the time you make it to your first class, you’ve passed two collisions, heard three more, been a witness to four fender-benders and have probably crashed through your own garage door. Summer roads no more – time to remember how to drive on ice. 8) Themed Parties: Fall is the best season for themed parties, not to mention the stylish clothing. But mostly, fall is full of holidays – some that give us days off school, others that allow nights of dress-up and throw up. Halloween, Dranksgiving and XXXMas have to be some of the best days of the fall, and when you see these invites arriving on Facebook, or when costumes arrive at Walgreens, start planning your outfits. 7) Glorious Gopher Gear: Though Minnesota’s sports teams are nothing to brag about, game days can be fun if you do them right and pre-hydrate. And when you find yourself shivering in your seat at TCF Bank Stadium wishing your hidden vodka-water bottle was actually hot tea, you know winter is on its way. 6) Tunnel Exploration: You thought you were the only one who used the Gopher Way? Well think again! When it gets too cold outside, the tunnels on campus fill up with gophers that don’t want to leave their underground warmth. Congestion sets in, and your arrive late to class from not only avoiding the cold, but meandering through tunnels often doubling your commute time to class. 5) Sickness and Mice and Everything Nice: Everyone around you is sick and you know it’s just a matter of time until you’re down with the flu, or maybe a nasty cold. To top it off, a family of mice has decided to make your closet their new home. 4) Fewer Bikes and Crowded Buses: Minneapolis may be the most biker-friendly city in the US, but when the brutal Minnesota winter approaches, the bike lanes empty out and the buses are packed full. Best of luck to those of you who rely on them for your commute – look into a jet pack, or at least a car. 3) There’s Something Good on TV Again: It’s a good thing there is plenty to do outside in Minneapolis during the summer, because there is certainly nothing good on TV. If your favorite shows are back, grab a blanket and turn up the heat, that five-month Minnesota winter is almost here! 2) Comfort Food: You worked hard all summer to keep up your bikini bod, but now its time to reward yourself with some chili and cornbread, molasses cookies, apple pie, and a large hot chocolate with marshmallows. Welcome a few extra pounds during the cold season and binge eat all you want, sister – nobody is seeing your tummy for months. 1) No More Sundresses: Say goodbye to bare legs. As it gets colder, you’ll see fewer girls in sundresses, only the occasional football boy still wearing basketball shorts. The boots, hats, and scarves will make a comeback, and when you walk through the Mall between classes you’ll see Mike Gould trying to stay warm in his big coat. But even a Minnesotan winter won’t deter him from his daily soul-saving.
katrina nicholson wrotethis this UMN staff wrote
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College procrastination reaches new heights
page 5
cody man wrote this
With the first exams in many classes already approaching, many students are doing this thing where they spend a lot of time on non-important stuff to try to avoid doing what they actually need to be doing. You know, that whole beating-around-thebush thing before getting to the meat of an assignment. It’s like, “Dude, what’s the point of this thing?””I dunno, dude. Have you seen this Gangnam Style video?” Anyway… According to Wikipedia, a whole lot of college students utilize some form of procrastination. Whether it be playing a quick round of Call of Duty, catching up on a little sleep, surfing the Internet, cleaning the apartment, fixing an extravagant meal, or crafting a needlessly long list, there are many things to which today’s students are turning in an effort to put off real work for just a little longer. Many believe that writing assignments in particular cause extraordinary procrastinatory measures among students, including the creation of new adjectives. As a result of the rampant procrastination, UMN professors are noticing a growing trend of assignments bearing the tell-tale signs of being last-minute efforts. Reports of printers dying and computers crashing, sloppy oral presentations filled with lots of, uh, verbal fillers, pour grammar in writing assignments, and incomplete thoughts are leaving instructors shaking their However, it is not just students who are having trouble with putting things off until the last minute. There have been numerous
reports of professors not returning graded works until weeks and weeks after the fact, prompting many complaints to UMN administration (the university is expected to respond to these complaints sometime in the near future). Other students have noted absurdly long wait times for food from on-campus dining facilities. One Chick-filA cook was seen to be staring vacantly into the deep fryer while the line in front of the counter continued to grow. One common refrain among students is the lack of effort put into the creation of exams by their instructors. Tests have become increasingly easy as the problem persists. “I had a professor who gave us a one-question exam the other day,” said one totally-not-made-up-at-the-last-minute student. “He said he was too busy watching the Vikings game the night before to finish making the rest of the test.” “My poli-sci professor was telling us all about this really good book she had been reading on the day we were supposed to have a test,” said another student this author who was definitely actually interviewed was quoted saying “By the time she got done, she admitted that she never actually made out an exam for us and just asked us who the President was before giving us all A’s.
In other cases, procrastination could turn out not to be quite so harmless. In response to recent questions concerning rising tuitions and costs of student living, UMN President Kaler began fidgeting and rambling about his time commitments. “Well, you see, we’re going to get the tuition issue under control…eventually. There’s just been so much other stuff going on lately. I’ve been trying to get caught up on Breaking Bad, for one. And I mean really, aren’t there so many other things you’d rather us be doing than trying to balance that whole budget? That’s just so much work. We could be doing so many other things instead—like not balancing the budget, for instance. We’re considering building another fountain somewhere before we start working on tuition costs though, what do you guys think?” Above is a chart showing the campus-wide progression of procrastination.
Dear Diary: I’m Back at School umn staff wrote this Dear Diary, Monday: Already felt the staining regret as I walked to class this morning. Went way too hard celebrating the reunion last night. What the hell was I thinking? The Seven Horsemen of the Drunkpocalypse, really? Too much too soon, and my new professors saw it on my face all day. It’s fine, I have four months to make shit happen. But there are already more plans for tonight… Anyway, my day began on that new backpack the parents bought me, with all the school supplies that weighed me down almost as much as mom’s emotional baggage. Don’t know why she couldn’t just pack a lunchbox while she was at it. Overly-attached mom isn’t cute anymore; it’s a stigma, and after a summer that saw me get less action than a freshman engineer, the last thing needed is more interference. Finally made it to campus after riding the connector from St. Paul over to Jones Hall. Jumped off that pleasuremobile of body odor, unwanted physical contact, and sassy rudeness left and right. As I set foot on the pavement I remembered why I’m here. The University of Minnesota is the Shangri-La everyone talks about in philosophy. There’s skirts and legs everywhere. I was back in school. And I felt
like I was staring in a cologne commercial for axe –the halls were filled with everyone trying to impress everyone. Tuesday: Okay, yesterday didn’t go so well. I spent way too much time looking at that cute girl in the front row, totally spaced out on what’s going on. A few of my friends in class said they knew her – and I might get to see her this weekend. Fantastic opportunity – that class on Post-colonial Polynesian studies just got a lot more interesting. Today I actually remembered to open the notebook. The professor lectured all morning, but that redhead front and center… we may have made eye contact, and it may have moved a few inches. Anyway, it’s almost Thanksgiving, right? Wednesday: One foot in front of the other jackass, don’t stop walking. Now that we’re here in class, pull out that pencil, it’s hump day. Got drinks tonight with that girl in the front row – turns out, she’s a sorority girl. Boom. That iron liver you’ve been building all summer could finally be put to some good use. Strap on those big boy pants and don’t forget to stop by the liquor store after you hit McDonald’s. There’s a huge party tonight in FloCo and this gingersnap girl is on my radar – and I’m on hers. There’s got to be a good ending for tonight – I can feel it.
Thursday: I have awakened at 2 p.m., when I’ve woken up from my post-sleep nap and properly hydrated this splitting headache away, I’ll try to fill you in as to last night’s shenanigans. Friday: Okay! Made it through the week, realized there hasn’t been one damn thing to actually learn this week. Sound like last year? Saddle up cowboy. You’re like Goldy in a gopher wheel running in place, and getting nowhere. With the future just outside those fuzzy paws things seem to be a little hectic. But hey, there’s a whole year ahead, what else could possibly go wrong?
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What’s the oddest moment that signaled to you that it was time to leave a party? “…yeah they’re coming soon, and just in case, there are knives behind the TV and a bat under the sofa.” - James C., Senior, Psychology
“I heard from across the room when the music changed, ‘Do you guys have any needles?’” - Abby C., Junior, English
“Someone yelled, ‘Strip down, oil up!’” - Blake W., Sophomore
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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The Best Places to Not Study
page 7
umn staff wrote this Undergrads have found a multitude of spots outside the classroom to congregate and avoid doing their schoolwork. And many of these environments give the illusion that something is getting done. In reality, these places harbor some of the most successful procrastinators of our time. We start at the first refuge of the studious: the library. Walter Library to be exact. What’s more academic than Greco-Roman architecture and, you know, the fact that there’s a bunch of books there? Skip the fancy upper floors and head to the basement. Stake out a comfy chair in a quiet secluded corner and you’ll be set for hours. No one will bother you as you write the kinds of things next to the people in the pictures in your sociology textbook that you wrote in your middle school yearbooks. The increased focus you experience in this subdued subterranean atmosphere may even help you hone your moustache and funny glasses drawing skills. The only drawback to this not study spot is that it’s probably even more soul-crushingly boring than your room. So if you want something a bit funkier, look no further than STSS, which of course stands for Science Teaching Something …Something. It’s got an exterior so futuristic that you need only run at the side of the building full-speed and imagine yourself inside, and the classrooms are right out of “Xenon: Girl of the 21st Century.” Curl up in a fuzzy, round, red blood cell chair next to a weird plush table, watch the world go by through the window-walls, unzip your backpack, and bust out that smartphone. Those texts aren’t gonna check themselves. The downside: you’re on display, so look busy! For more adventurous not-studiers, there are 67 mil-
lion hip coffee shops around campus, and Espresso Royale has got to be …one of them. The service isn’t friendly or quick, and their products…eh. What’s special there isn’t something that can be bought (although, seriously, you have to buy something to stay there), it’s the ambience. The gentle buzz of conversation reminds you that you’re among vibrant knowledge-craving minds. Walk latte inhand across the creaking wood floor, take a seat in a dilapidated chair or sofa probably covered in some sort of body fluid, and plug in. The free Wi-Fi will keep you occupied on Facebook until well after you told yourself you’d be done with your assignment, while your Word document sits blank, untouched, pristine. Break out the earbuds so as not to bother others as you drift over to YouTube. What could a few minutes hurt? Louis C.K. videos: bet you can’t watch just one! The con here: you really do have to buy something. Over on the West Bank, Rarig Center is the big, imposing, ugly grey building on the end. You can’t miss it. Its basement and first two floors contain tasteful pebble flooring, people sleeping on benches, and great little niches to settle in with your school things. Visit the Xperimental Theatre for an authentic, group, not-study experience. There’s never a dull moment in this heart of our campus arts community. Strike up a conversation with a friend, classmate, or passing stranger. Perhaps ask them why they aren’t wearing clothing. Throw in a radically right-winged viewpoint and see how that’s received. Bonus points if you can keep them from the homework they were actually planning on doing! Con: If you’re not a theatre student, you are not welcome here. Get out quickly without drawing attention to yourself.
Hard Times Café has quirk coming out of its ears. The joint’s compartmentalized into different areas that recall the simple dining rooms and breakfast nooks of movies from the 80s. You have to write down your food order and you even take your plate up to a wash bin when you’re done! Some of the folks at this artsy eatery are unimaginably cool without trying or knowing how sweet they are: They’re anti-hipsters. Others are shifty-eyed lurkers. As the sun sets, some of the more homeless members of the local population gather in Hard Times, which sends out a large bouncer. But rather than being distracting, the bizarreness is conducive to not studying. Zone out and stare into oblivion. Blank expression, eyes fixed at one point forever, mouth agape. Oh yeah, now you’re not studying. Con here: Where the hell am I? Bonus points if you bring a friend or two to come along and take pictures of you doing…work. Get them on Facebook and make sure to “accidentally” mail them to your parents, so they can see what a good student you are. Best of luck “studying.”
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The Different Types of People You Hate in the Mall Katrina Nicholson wrote this Another school year in Gopher nation has brought forth new blood with the freshman class: post freshman-15 chunky sophomores: legal liquor drinkin’ juniors: and a batch of seniors ready to dip the heck out of here – what a gang! We’re a batch of mixed mindsets, only one category in accordance with all years: the different types of people we hate in Northrup Mall. You know what I’m talking about, so read on, haters.
Bikers: What’s that smell? Why it’s a grammar lesson about to unfold real quick! Sidewalk (‘side-walk) (n): A paved path for PEDESTRIANS on the side of a road. Now that we’ve got the bases of the grammar field covered, there’s no need to argue about who, between cyclists and peds, is entitled to hating the other one more. Votes are in, and the latter wins!
The Flyer Throwers: Trying to avoid eye contact with these people is more important than avoiding eye contact with the guy who you drunk-dialed 15 times last night. Sure, you told him you were in love with his left eyebrow, but these people would love nothing more than to pawn their garbage off on you. Yeah, it’s serious business. It’s okay to hate these people for two reasons: - Their overtly aggressive nature – sure, guy, I’d love if you rubbed your flyer all over my face! - Their inherent disregard for momma nature. Go through the process with me: You smile, grab flyer apathetically, walk six steps and sink an air-Jordan into the trash. Let’s take a moment of silence to commemorate the loss of trees due to the 600 copies of their shoddily designed “JoIn OuR JuMp RoPe ClUb!!! ” advert.
Frisbee Tossin’ SOBs: It’s okay to periodically accuse people of trying to “knock you down” in life, because sometimes they are. And it’s usually done with a Frisbee. They’re playing a game involving points and hair color: 10 for brunettes, 15 for blondes, and anything remotely close to ginger earns a whopping 30. No wonder everybody hates you stoned losers. The student body can’t walk in peace without the fear of being decapitated. Stop-and-Laughs: The mall area is comparable to highway traffic, there has got to be a steady pace to avoid road rage. These guys – hey you, we really hate you! – are the Hyundai Sonatas, those who disrupt the flow. When you pause to chuckle at the tweet Jerry sent just now or to search your book-bag to find that Ziploc baggy of crushed crackers from last
week, there is a halt-and-pursed-lips line behind you of people shooting laser beams of hatred at your Hey Arnold head. Say it with me: multi-task. Looking at stuff and walking simultaneously can be a struggle for some that didn’t evolve properly from apes, but you know what they say: practice makes perfect! Or else just pull over to the side. MOVE. Mike Gould: Dear Mike, You forgot that you aren’t a prophet, and your ladder is not the stairway to Heaven. It is a rickety piece of trash you found in Dinkytown. Sincerely, The Black Sheep
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bartender of the week
garrett s. sally's saloon and eatery
Major: Human Resources and Industrial Relations
Three wishes: An unlimited amount of money, world peace, and another lamp to rub.
Favorite drink: Top shelf Long Island
Boxers or briefs: I'm not following...
Pet peeve: Packers fans who don't actually follow football.
Worst thing you’ve ever overheard: "Well why did you pull out then?"
Hangover cure: Our hangover platter with a bloody Mary
Nickname: Gypsy Porn name: Sterling Archer or Garrett Schaefer
Favorite quote: "Happiness isn't enough. I demand euphoria." -Calvin (Calvin & Hobbes) Favorite musician: Drake Favorite shot: The Connie. Ask bartender Connor Schaefer how to make it.
If you could create any holiday what would it be?: Laziest Sunday, no leaving bed, so don't go home alone Saturday night. Who would you pick for a celebrity threesome?: Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis. They already have such great chemistry.
Favorite bar: Sally's, naturally. Craziest place you've done the dirty: In a car. In the driver's seat. While operating the car in drive.
the drinking game
across the bridge Feeling lucky? This game takes absolutely no skill whatsoever! It also requires little thought and physical movement. As that weird-looking chick from The Hunger Games says, “May the odds be ever in your favor.” What You’ll Need: A deck of cards and your brew of choice. Number of Players: Two or more. Just make sure you have enough cards! Level of Intoxication: If you’re lucky, you’ll get tipsy. If you’re unlucky, you’ll black out. How to Play: - Deal ten cards face down in a straight line for your “bridge.” - One player starts the game by flipping the first card. - If the card is a 2 through 10, the player can move on to flipping the next card. - If the flipped card is a face card (jack, queen, king or ace), the player must drink (one second for a jack, two for a queen, three for a king, and four for an ace). - The player must also add cards onto the end of your bridge (one for a jack, two for a queen, three for a king and four for an ace). - The next player flips their next card and continues the game in the same fashion. The Game Ends When: One player stumbles all the way across the bridge. In that case, shuffle the cards and start over.
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Recipe for Disaster
impost0r cinnastix You’re at the peak of your “munchies stage” and you’re craving Domino’s Cinnastix, however you’re too lazy to get off your ass and walk to a Domino’s. Then you realize your pocket full of dollar bills is now just a pocket full of bad decisions and the aroma of stripper perfume. What do you do? Make these Impostor Cinnastix, that’s what! What You’ll Need: Bread, butter, sugar, cinnamon, milk, powdered sugar. Cook Time: 20 minutes. Fatty Factor: If you’re on a diet, just stop reading now. Let’s Get Baked: - Lay pieces of bread onto a piece of foil. - Microwave ¼ cup of butter. - Spread the butter across your pieces of bread. - Mix 2 teaspoons of cinnamon and ½ cup of sugar in a bowl. - Sprinkle your cinnamon sugar on top of your bread. - Let your bread bake in the oven for 10 minutes on 150 degrees. - In a separate bowl, mix ¼ cup of melted butter with ¼ tablespoon of milk and 2 tablespoons of powdered sugar. - Mix well until it looks like icing. - Take your bread out of the oven and let cool. - Drizzle your icing on top of your bread. Bring these with you to the bars and sell them for five bucks a piece to those drunken girls who “need something to absorb the obscene amount of alcohol they drank.” Yeah, good luck with that.
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Point / Counter Point:
Fall TV Shows 666 Park Avenue (ABC)
Ben and Kate (FOX)
Q: A young couple moves into a “too good to be true” apartment complex, and if you haven’t figured it out already from the spoon-fed title, it’s haunted. Who cares about a plot when the preview shows people being sucked into the walls by spirits or committing suicide off the edge of the building? It looks like nothing new, just the same old “whipping out an old book to find out the dragon insignia in the shitter is an evil omen” run-around. Just move you assholes. Problem solved.
Q: Ben is played by Academy Award-winning Nat Foxan, and his older sister Kate is played by Dakota Johnson. Ben is the lovable, awkward man-child, and Kate is the uptight but quirky single mom “trying to make ends meet.” While on the surface this looks like a pretty typical setup, Ben will walk the line of getting under your skin and being endearing/funny perfectly - if you can keep your eyes off his mangled grill, that is.
B: “A streetwise lawyer born and raised in New Jersey joins a posh New York City law firm, where she must defend her clients while surviving her colleagues’ skepticism and her Italian family’s constant interruptions.” In other words, a paint-by-numbers drama full of over-the-top stereotypes. WHAT-A? YOU NO LOVE-A YA MOMMA’S SPICY MEAT-A-BALL NO MORE NOW YOU A BIG CITY GIRL? GABBAGOO!!!
B: The only upside this show offers is the offthe-charts awkwardness potential. Roommate comedies thrive off of tired odd couple tropes, so when it comes time for Ben and Kate to do, “the single mom gets laid” episode, having Ben say, “I can’t believe I had to hear you during sex last night, you cried harder than when dad spanked you,” will be fun for the whole family.
Q: Get over yourself. If people aren’t constantly reminded of stereotypes, how will we ever know when to judge one another? How will our kids know how to walk the line between “playing it by the book” and “getting their hands dirty once in a while”? A bully beats them up – do they give the perp a few cheap shots before turning him in? We need these shows, Brendan, not everyone can paint without numbers.
B: Ah, but Quinn, don’t you see that the producers are taking horror to a whole new level? Because this family leveraged all their assets to afford their Manhattan apartment, they can’t move without dealing with a citizen’s greatest fear: The IRS. Certainly this show is just an extended metaphor for the plight of the American homeowner in the post-recession real estate horrorscape.
The New Normal (FOX)
Chicago Fire (nbc)
B: Listen up, Hollywood. If your best idea for convincing closed-minded people in flyover states that two dudes getting hitched is okay is a shitty sitcom about a gay couple adopting a baby, we as a nation have much larger problems.
B: A show. About firefighters. In Chicago. Produced by Law & Order creator Dick Wolf, this show promises to have the firefighters discover a fire, threaten it without evidence, get frustrated, find a new fire, question it, only to find that it was the first fire’s fault the whole time right when there’s like, three minutes left in each episode. In 2015 prepare for spinoffs Chicago Fire: Lake Forest and Chicago Fire: Aurora.
Q: How else do you want them to represent this classic struggle? People in Hollywood are progressive and better looking, everyone else is backwards and old. If sitcoms aren’t the beacon of change in this country, then yes, we as a nation have much larger problems. I look forward to Digger & Greene the unlikely law partnership of the son of an Oil Baron and a UC Berkeley hippie.
Q: Did you want this to be about the Chicago Fire soccer team, or Mrs. O’Leary? It’s called ESPN, Brendan, and they air US Soccer matches at least twice a year. No, this procedural drama is about a bunch of sexy firefighters (modeled after real Chicago firefighters), putting out fires and taking their shirts off. GOOOOOOOAAAAALLLLLL (in my pants).
Made in Jersey (CBS)
Just like the World Masturbation Championships, the fall TV schedule offers different strokes for different folks. With such a wide breadth of programming, it’s smarrt-- nay-- necessary to have qualified experts breaking down which new shows you should spend time watching this fall. Sadly, we don’t have any experts. Hell, we can barely afford pants. We do have two editors, though. So, we made Quinn and Brendan debate the merits of eight shows debuting this fall.
Malibu Country (abc)
Q: So this is just Reba right? They are trying to say it’s not, but the lead role is Reba McEntire playing “A mother of two kids, and a once country music sensation trying to get her foot back in the door.” Our only hope is that this show is very dark – Reba moves her family to Malibu, but fails to jumpstart her music career. She delves deep into depression and huffing computer dusters, only to accidentally microwave her youngest daughter in the season finale. B: God, then the second season opens up with Reba getting off on a technicality, only now she has a taste for blood. At night she roams the streets of Malibu, committing random acts of violence on unsuspecting rich couples. Thankfully, the Malibu PD have just the man for the case, a grizzled old cop (Jeff Foxworthy) who’s only days away from retirement. He’s following the trail of blood…and it’s on her hands.
The Mindy Project (FOX) Animal Practice (nbc) B: Ah, a show actually worthy of excitement. After years of seasoning on The Office, Mindy Kaling gets her opportunity to shine. Though The Office may be a shell of its former self, it’s the Bill Walsh of TV shows, spawning disciples that have created current great, Parks and Recreation. Kaling doesn’t rely on any crutches -- like her gender or ethnicity -- to be funny, so don’t expect any terrible CBS-quality jokes about how hard it is to have one’s period in a sari. Q: Kelly is annoying, and this seems to be the same character. A female OBGYN with a “unique persona” trying to navigate her personal and professional life? She’s a rom-com aficionado? Give Creed from The Office his own show. Please.
Q: As much as one would hate to see anything replace the current NBC lineup, this show might be decent. Whether or not it was the psychotic clusterfu*ck that was the closing ceremonies it aired after, the pilot seemed okay. We really like Justin Kirk (Andy from Weeds) and this show looks like that same character with a mix of Dr. House, but in a veterinary. B: Eh, the dialogue in this show is ruff-er than tree BARK!
the interview
menomena
Portland indie rockers Menomena are releasing a new album, Moms, on September 18th before kicking off a nationwide tour. Because they have moms, and we have moms, and you have moms, we thought it would be a wise decision to talk to them. But not about their moms, though. That stuff’s personal, man. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: When starting a new album, what mindset do you put yourself in? Justin Harris: We’ve never put ourselves in the mindset, like, we’re making a concept album. On Moms in particular, early on there was a theme, at least, and it gives us a chance to think about issues that you want to write about. But again, it’s not a concept album my any means. TBS: You guys often introduce new instruments into your music. Is that your attempt to create a specific sound you’re looking for, or just a challenge to yourself? Justin: A lot of the time it’s, “How do we make that sound?” TBS: Have you ever had an experience where it just didn’t work? Justin: Yeah, definitely. [Laughs] There might be a couple of times on this album where we’re not sure if it’ll work or not. TBS: There’s democracy behind your songwriting, when do you know you have a finished song? Justin: For us, it’s the person who started writing a song who decides when the song is done. For me, over the years I’ve become familiar with the process. When I start playing something, I see it getting better, and eventually I just knowing when it’s done. TBS: You guys go to great lengths to recreate how your album sounds live on stage. Why? Justin: I don’t know, we started off early on thinking that’s what you do. You create your music on stage. Sure, it won’t sound exactly the same, but it’s really important to make sure the signatures of the songs are recreated on stage. TBS: With all that stuff going on, how much practice gets into making sure you can perform without screwing something up? Justin: A lot. We spend a lot of individual time working on getting to that point. On one of our songs on the last album I was supposed to be able to play this sax part and this bass part while on stage. Then I handed over the sax part to someone else, but it turns out my body wasn’t prepared for it. I couldn’t do one without the other, because I had trained my body to do both. It was an interesting realization for me. TBS: So how do you strike the balance between doing all that and still having a sense of showmanship? Justin: It’s something I struggle with daily. There’s a big part of me that wishes I could just go up there and play my instruments, but there’s an element of showmanship that’s necessary in a live show. The more we play songs, the easier it is to incorporate that kind of stuff as part of the show. At the same time, it helps that we have a really animated drummer. [Laughs] TBS: What kind of music are you interested in that your fans wouldn’t assume you’re interested in? Justin: Man, I wish I could ask [band mate] Danny Siem, he listens to a much wider variety of music than I do. I went to the symphony last weekend with a friend of mine, and it got me thinking about symphonics. TBS: What would you consider your greatest athletic achievement? Justin: Hmm, it’s been many years. I pitched a no-hitter in high school.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
the perks of being a wallflower in theaters - 9/21 Based on the 1999 uber-emotional (albeit, spot-on) novel by Stephen Chbosky, Perks tells the tale of self-proclaimed wallflower Charlie (Logan Lerman), an incoming high school freshman. The first-person narrative takes us through his highs and lows of adolescence, from the freeing feeling of being infinite to his rocky pursuit of his friend's sister (Emma Watson). no doubt - push and shove in store - 9/25 Sure, Gwen Stefani has released two solo albums in the past decade that were so successful that that shit was bananas. But the group has a whole hasn't released an album since 2001's Rock Steady, and these Californians have been hard at work on their latest album since 2010. Push and Shove, their sixth studio album, features beat geniuses Diplo and Major Lazer. Check out "Settle Down" and "Push and Shove."
brickleberry 9/25 @ 10:30pm on comedyy central If you watched Tosh.0 last season, you know a thing or two about the new animated series from the disturbed yet hilarious mind of comedian Daniel Tosh. With celebrities galore doing the voiceovers of these national park forest rangers, we're looking forward to a new animated comedy that is one part Parks and Rec and one part South Park.
the classtime
Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House.
Wedding destination: • Dominican Republic • Dom Peditro, Brazil • Domino’s Pizza • Downtown Des Moines
type of cake: • Vegan Pomegranate • Cookie Cake • Oreo Ice Cream Cake • Your Sister’s Leftovers
career path: • Italian Chef • Telemarketer • Crab Fisherman • Car Wash Cashier
Token drunken attendee: • Mother of the Groom • Grandfather of the Bride • Maid of Honor • Midlife Crisis Priest
Honeymoon adventure: • Hammock Camping • Rain Forest Exploration • Jamaica, Queens • Mt. Everest
midlife crisis: • Buys Mercedes Convertible • Face tattoo • Plastic Surgery ala Heidi Montag • Mike’s Hard Lemonade Addict
Wedding entree: • Spaghetti • Chef Boyardee Ravioli • AYCE Soup & Salad • Frozen Lasagna
Pet acquired: • Bottle-nosed Dolphin • Common Marmoset • Maine Coon Kitten • Lice
Claim to Fame: • EDM Sensation • Becomes Facebook CEO • Breeds Kangaroos • Stops World Hunger
some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever How to play Doodle option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.
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