The Black Sheep FR
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Lik e in cla th im e g in op g a he n e r w ar ay ly s . po
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 3, Issue 3 9/20/12 - 9/26/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_umn
Pretending You Actually Care About College Athletics katrina nicholson wrote this
Game day rolls around just like it does every week: people are dressed head to toe in maroon and gold as the patio drinking begins at 10 a.m. sharp. Some with face paint, some just with lame t-shirts. And just like every other week, you don't give half a shit. You got by with not caring in high school, but now that you're at a real university with Division I athletics, people are starting to notice. Well, you still don't give even an eighth of a shit at this point, and you aren't about to change now. How do you combat this issue without offending your classmates and losing your diehard sports-fan friends? First you need to be let in on a little secret: the majority of people who claim to be pumped for the football game are actually faking it. This may seem like an impossibility, but it's very real. Most of the people dressed in the over-the-top sports paraphernalia are actually just looking for an excuse to dress wAcKy and get wasted. Ask them the score at halftime - they'll have no idea where to even find the scoreboard. Hell, ask them who the opposing team is and they'll be baffled. But you'd never know it because they're so into the game that not you nor anyone else wants to disturb them from their intense focus. Your goal should be to join the ranks of these people. Everyone assumes they're huge fans even though they don’t actually even understand the concept of a touchdown. You too can be this clever. The first step to doing so involves buying a minimal amount of Gopher clothing. This will be your signal to the rest of the campus that you are aware that there is a sporting event, or even a sports team. While wearing this clothing, people may ask you “Hey you going to the game later?” To which you will always reply “Fuck yeah I am, can't wait!” This will usually be an acceptable interaction, which requires no knowledge of the event in question. If they question further with things such as “What did you think of last week?” or “Who do you think they'll start?” The best policy is always to say “I don't even know, all I know is that tonight I'll be too drunk to care.” By inserting this last statement, you signal that you are indeed a sports fan but that you are also down for a good time. At this point you can disconnect from the interaction and go on your merry way.
election protection it's an election year, which means captain buzzkill will force his opinions on you.
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The easiest part is at the actual event. All you need to do is stand in the middle of a bunch of people who are overly excited about the game and copy everything they do. Seriously. When they scream, you scream. When they lose their shit, you lose your shit. When they throw their beer onto the field, you throw yours too. Maybe not the last one – keep some class. But who knows. They will grow fond of your dedication and make you one of their own.
what’s inside
top ten signs winter is coming to umn watching tv and gettin' fat, sounds like paradise....
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Pretending to care about college athletics is very similar to actually caring about them. Most people who claim to be huge fans, are only actually there because their friends made them, or because they had nothing better to do with their night. You can transform yourself from a sports hater into a super fan in just a matter of seconds by following these small tips. Just remember, as you look across the sea of maroon and gold, eighty percent of those people have no clue what's going on.
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