Minnesota Fall Issue 4 - 9/27/12

The Black Sheep FR

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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 3, Issue 4 9/27/12 - 10/3/12

theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_umn

Stress is in the Air Nik Strand wrote this

School is in full swing and the pressure is on. 17 credits, 3 clubs, and an internship are all vying for your time and, as it turns out, multitasking isn’t fun. Every résumé-boosting extracurricular has pushed you to the cusp of burnout, and it’s not even midterms yet. So let’s take a look at some of the common stressors that are making your college years hell: The Monthly Planner: That once-neatly organized to-do list is now overpopulated by sticky notes and penciled-in dates.

All this craziness will calm down soon, won’t it? Wrong. It’s barely the end of September and every moment of your time has been pre-planned through the middle of December. The planner was bought with good intentions, but it only serves as a constant reminder of how busy you actually are. At least it has a cute little kitty on the cover.

Professors: The cause for all this stress isn’t entirely your fault; sadistic professors take pleasure in watching you struggle under unbearable workloads and terse deadlines. It seems as though they deliberately schedule the first paper, exam, or presentation of the semester on the same day as each other. Stress makes for delusional thoughts: “Is this planned?

Are they out to get me?” It just might be the case. Monday through Friday (and obviously in to Sunday) beer pong tournaments didn’t make you the best student last year, and now the teachers are out for revenge.

Extracurricular Activities: Obviously, with more classwork than is absolutely necessary, the next logical step is to fill your schedule with more things to do, and it wouldn’t be a rewarding year at the U without extracurriculars! Clubs and groups make for great “résumé boosters,” and you’re all about redemption and opportunities this time around. Last year you were part of AA, not a very prestigious group, but a group nonetheless. This year you vowed to shed the bad habits. Taking a leadership position in both the “Art History Professionals” and the “Aspiring Entrepreneurs” is seen as an improvement from the shenanigans of yesteryear, but it has you questioning both your academic and life choices, more so than the 12-steps to recovery did.

Jobs: Even with a heavy workload and several clubs you still have some free time. Great! Wrong. You’re busy. Busy people need food. And food is expensive. Those gaps in your schedule, the weekends you tried so hard to schedule around, are going to be filled with the time sink known as a college job.

top ten things nobody really wants to hear about.

Please tell us how busy you are.

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Get ready to memorize 8,000 variations of pretentious coffee drinks and to sacrifice your weekends in the name of rent.

Was that no foam on your Austrian goat milk double-half-cafhalf-decaf-soy milk cappuccino?

Professional Students: One would think that being so busy would offer the benefits of networking, and it does, but only with other bloodthirsty, self-interested, résumé-stacking parasites. These people are contemptuous and offer nothing remotely close to friendly human interaction. Since denouncing all activities that involve phallic jokes, and in the process your friends’ general interests, your life has become exponentially more productive, although very lonely. It’s time to drag your cold, dead social life out from under your desk and to toss that thing in the river. It’s beginning to stink like mold and depression.

Delusions of Grandeur: Deadlines approach and the stress level has reached an all time high. You have the blood pressure of a 55-year-old man who ate nothing but butter rolled

what’s inside

in kosher salt his entire life. On the eve of 3 exams, with 2 papers halfway done, you’ve had it. Your mind has been on overdrive for weeks on end and that European Film Appreciation class has you dreaming of running away to the mountains of Austria. The rest of the night is spent scribbling out the logistics of international travel (while humming Do-Re-Mi), and for a brief moment your mind isn’t bothered with school, until you notice you’ve been writing on the back of the study guide for that exam tomorrow.

This time of year brings a whirlwind of events that suck every spare minute from you, it happens, just fight the thoughts of jumping off the stone arch bridge or playing chicken on 35W. College is rough, and unfortunately “doing it right” means that you’ll be more stressed than most. But this college degree will be worth a lifetime of ulcers and heart disease; at least that’s what they keep spoon-feeding us. So slam another 5-Hour Energy, don’t think about the 23 weeks left of the school year, and try not to have a panic attack.

what are we paying for? "student services fee" "career

things we're all guilty of secretly loving.

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page 7

services fee" what services? what career?

we saw you humming 1d in the gym, don't lie.

contents page 4: i went to college and all i got was this t-shirt.

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

page 5

Graduation is going to be here faster then you think, time to start thinking of plan b... or c.

page 5: an awkward visit to rec.

Table of

if only you had it all to yourself.

page ?: from the streets What is the dirtiest thing your roommate has left out?

page 11: Five Students You Will Inevitably Sit Next to in Class This Semester.

This is assuming you attend five classes, of course.

page 11

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COLLEGE KIDS I WANT TO PUNCH IN THE FACE "the one who thinkg they know everything

Sexy Anagrams

I AM BEER MAAAAN! (Want to be famous next week? Awesome.)

Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com

Ark As Hi

Do you know who these hotties are?

Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!

Rich Mesh Throws last week’s answers

Arianny Celeste & Ryan Phillippe

word of the week Castrabate:

A forced stoppage of masturbation by either party in a relationship.

“Dude, ever since Ann gave Keith the castrabate ultimatum he’s been arrested twice for beating up strangers in the street.”

page 4

I Went To College and All I Got Was This T-Shirt

The Top ten

theblacksheeponline.com

Things Nobody Really Wants to Hear About

Michael McSherry wrote this

Mark these little beauties off your list of conversation starters for the party this weekend.

Remember when you were a freshman, and the world of college was still a sparkling wonderland, full of endless opportunity and adventure? Yeah, neither do I. Icebreakers and orientations were great and all, but it seems the only lasting thing from my freshman year is an oversized free shirt made of sandpaper and yak fur given to every member of the incoming class. A few years later, I’m a senior in serious danger of graduating and shipping out into the “real world.” If you’re not there with me already, you will be soon enough.

Luckily, graduation isn’t as daunting as everybody makes it out to be…if you have a plan. For some people, their majors and the demand in their job market are enough to ease any worries they might have had.

For others who have chosen a very popular major, or one which employers don’t immediately consider, things can get a little dicey. Take me, for example. I chose an English major with a Philosophy minor, and I’ve worked pretty hard at it. But when I hit the job market, it was like finding out that instead of a golden egg, I’d actually been incubating a lukewarm turd for nearly four years. My major isn’t as in-demand, and yours might not be either.

So what can you do if you find yourself in one such major? Well, there's teching, where liberal arts majors go to die... but that’s not the end of the line. Any major can become valuable so long as you take the time to add to your résumé. After graduation, the job market is a vicious circle; you won’t be hired because you lack experience, and you lack experience be-

cause nobody will hire you. Take the time during your college years to get involved with clubs and organizations relevant to your career path. Internships will be even more valuable. Don’t expect to get paid for all of them – your compensation might very well be that extra line on your job applications, but it’s worth it. A bit of extra experience will give you a head up on the competition. Otherwise you'll be giving head to the cometition.

You majored in Cultural Studies and Comparative Literature, and even after these jewels of advice you are still not convinced you’ll find a way to pay the rent? Well here is what I have to say about that: learn a programming language. Being able to say you have computer programming experience will ensure you a job. It may or may not be in your field, but you’d be surprised how far that one skill can take you. For example, who needs a girlfriend when you've preserved skills learned in 6th grade? No one, that's who.

Even after you graduate, get ready to be rejected like it’s your middle school dance all over again. Your employers don’t know you or what you’re capable of, and unfortunately they’re going to judge you based on a piece of paper and a short interview (if you’re lucky). Don’t give up. I know several recent graduates who’ve resigned themselves to irrelevant jobs, just because they had tough luck in their initial job search.

Don’t be like them. Be Forrest Gump and just keep going. Forrest Gump with a higher IQ, but the message is still relevant.

Take the advice or get used to shrimping.

10.) Your 19-credit semester load: We’re so sorry you switched your major six times in four years because you’re more of a “free spirit” or whatever, but those bodies in the seats next to you are—spoiler alert—real humans with real workloads, too! You aren’t the only one pullin’ all-nighters in Walter, honey.

9.) Your life-altering study abroad trip to Botswana: You can’t even put into words the impression it left on you; it was philosophically indescribable? Awesome – then please refrain from any further attempts at doing so.

8.) Your expensive car: Your parents gave you a Mercedes for your sixteenth birthday? Dang boy, that’s sick! We can just take your car because your parents gave you a Mercedes for your sixteenth birthday? Okay! We should just pay the $80 for parking because your parents gave you a Mercedes for your sixteenth birthday? My God, we hate the Mercedes your parents gave you for your sixteenth birthday.

7.) The awesome dream you had last night: You should think of it like the awesome dream you had last night that nobody wants to hear about, because all that awesome stuff happened in a dimension of your subconscious. Unless it's sex stuff, tell us about the sex stuff.

6.) The one time you hung out with a celebrity: This is the last time we’re going to tell you: Seeing Yoko Ono peek her head through the drapes of her NYC apartment does not mean you hung out with her.

5.) All the nice things your co-workers tell you: Oh, you have lovely penmanship? Oh, the way you worded that sentence was superb? Oh, that one thing you said about Connie’s argyle socks was super funny? Oh, you…everyone stopped listening at the compliment about how you held a pen on that ship or something.

4.) All the cute things babies in your family do: The one time your baby cousin pooped in his diaper, made a silly face, and rubbed it all over the basement wall may sound adorable to you, but it’s actually pretty gross to think about and makes people physically uncomfortable to listen to.

3.) How often you go to the gym: You should consider talking less about how often you go to the gym and more actually going to the gym.

2.) What you ate today: Here’s a detailed list of what I ate today: A toasted blueberry Pop Tart, slightly buttered, with a 16 oz. coffee that I added a dash of skim milk and one Splenda packet to for breakfast; a Lean Cuisine three-cheese ravioli microwavable meal with an ice water for lunch; and I split a Jack’s pepperoni pizza with my roommate for dinner. See how un-fun that is to listen to?

1.) Your ex: If you don’t have an ex, then by default you can’t incessantly discuss this subject nobody really wants to hear about – yay! You’re also not a Satan-like figure in someone’s life – double yay!

katrina nicholson wrotethis this Shannon Ryan wrote

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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

What are we paying for?

Hannah Sande wrote this On October 3rd, 2012 you and every other student at the University of Minnesota who didn’t fall assbackward into a full-ride to college will be staring at their student account balance on Onestop, freaking out about how much they have to pay to come to this school. The tuition bill this year is larger than last year’s, which was larger than the previous, and so it goes. But what has made that tuition bill so high?

Well, we’re here to tell you that it is not actually your tuition that’s draining your bank account, it’s all the other fees. And who even knows what those are going to pay for?

“professionally-minded” students can take advantage of! Will visiting the Career Services Office boost your chances of finding a job upon graduation in order to get back the money you spent on those collegiate fees? Eh, not any more than any other internship or job that a student doesn’t have to pay for would. It may, however, put some nice ideas in your head about the dream job you will never get.

Onestop often offers incredibly vague descriptions of each of these non-tuition fees charged to your account.

For example, explaining the “Student Services fee” as something that is “charged to all students who are enrolled for 6 or more credits” is, well, it’s not much of anything. Oh, you can try emailing onestop@umn.edu for more information, but you won’t get much more of a response than a brief message kindly telling you to go screw yourself while checking the Onestop website for your answers. How very delightfully circular.

And just to clarify any ambiguity, the “Capital Enhancement fee” does not go toward the upkeep St. Paul’s super-jazzy capital building. It funds all of that construction that is tearing up our lovely campus and making it impossible to hear our professors speak of assignments due next class. With $75 from every one of the 66,000 students at the U of M, no wonder every inch of campus is under construction at the same time.

Though some costs are less ambiguous than others— take the “Student Health Benefit Plan,” for example— they all add up to way more than any 19- or 20-year-old could ever afford without rich, generous parents or the start of a lifetime of debt. It will take a very aggressive student, or group of students, to get any answers from the university about what we are actually paying for, let alone to start lowering the cost of our education.

If you are an international student, you have some additional charges in your account. What is the difference between an “International Student Aid fee” and an “International Student fee?” The Black Sheep has no idea, we’re just glad that we don’t have to pay them, being good ole’ Amurrcans.

Unfortunately, this is Minnesota. We don’t do aggressive, we do passive-aggressive. We can keep wondering what we’re paying for, but until we grow a pair, we may never know.

Or how about this: What is a Collegiate fee, and why does it cost $155 every semester? And how are you benefitting from them? Apparently there is something on campus called “Career Services” that all the

An Awkward Visit to the Rec Brady Knutson wrote this

You’re on your bike, speeding over to the University Recreation Center so you can get big. You walk down to the locker room rental desk. This time, you didn’t just bring your own towel and change your clothes by the coat area. That did save you a dollar last time, but the funny looks you received discouraged you from ever doing it again. So the guy gives you a key without a pin, and when you ask for one he hands you this warped, rusty-ass little thing that you can’t avoid pricking yourself on dozens of times. You throw your change of clothes and towel in a locker and you’re ready to go.

The treadmill sign-up sheet is a tricky game--there’s always some asshole jogging away on a machine like he owns the place even though he didn’t sign his name. But you find a suitable ‘mill, do your thing, and take a quick water break. When you get back a guy’s slowly creeping onto your machine, approaching it with the care one might normally reserve for a baby deer. He sees that your stuff’s there. You tell him “you gotta sign up.” He tells you he did, but then realizes he’s too early for his time slot. Way to read the clock, Dr. Who. Then it’s the usual rounds on the sit-down machines under the gaze of a kid with shoulders broad as a truck grill.

“How many more reps you got?” You tell him you’ll be done soon and he’s all “no worries.” When you’re done

delaying the meathead’s entry into a world’s strongest man competition, you glimpse an ultra-popular douche from your high school. You head for the adjacent weightlifting room to give this about a half hour to blow over.

You put your obliques through the grinder and try to coax your rad six pack out from under the pudge.

When you return to the main room, the situation has only gotten worse. Now, pumping away at a stationary bike is a professor you had last spring. Bald, bespectacled and lanky, he was just not the kind of guy you pegged as a Rec visitor. Your eyes meet. You decide you’ve had enough exercise for one day and head to the locker room. You clip your key to your towel, poking yourself and making a mental note not to throw the key away in the towel bin this time. So you’re in the shower/sauna/ steam room area. Hurray for socially-acceptable public nudity! Plus, you get to sneak the occasional comparison peak, and some of these college guys aren’t even half bad lookin’. Ahem.

And then you encounter it again: the Talker! The last time you saw him, he struck up the most asinine small talk ever while you were both standing there naked as the day you were born. Give it a rest, buddy. You sit down and can already see him glancing at you, just itching to bend your ear. You shudder at the thought of a conver-

sation. You needed to get out. You eye the door, and beyond it, there’s your old professor again. He was out there pacing around for God knows what reason, with his Robin Williams-level of hairiness over his entire body hanging out for everyone to scrutinize. You can’t move.

You can pretty much never leave this steam room. And here you will die.

From the Streets

[PartyPics]

Got a question you want us to ask?

FTS@theblacksheeponline.com Shannon Ryan Wrote This

What is the dirtiest thing your roommate has ever left out?

“I lived with a guy who was allergic to putting the seat down after he peed, which was all over the toilet might I add, and he would always forget to flush. Not just forgetting to flush his pee, but his “number two” as well. It was gross.”

- Abby A., Junior, Psychology

“My freshman roommate would leave her visibly dirty underwear in the middle of our shared dorm room on a regular basis. I’d always have to kick them underneath her bed before people came over. It was such a dirty habit.’”

- Dana S., Senior, Spanish Studies

“A roommate of mine had at least six orange juice glasses with fungus growing inside and outside each glass on the windowsill of her room. And the zinger to the story is that she moved out without moving them" - Zahra H., Junior, Pre-pharmacy

send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

Things we're all guilty of secretly loving...

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Katrina Nicholson wrote this As hard as we try to deny it, there are some terrible things we're constantly exposed to that are irresistible. What is that supposed to mean? I'm talking about our constant effort to pretend that we aren't interested in things that the rest of society seems to obsess over. It starts at a very basic level, though.

For example, when someone whips out a bottle of Karkov at a pregame and everyone pretends to be disgusted, we all know we secretly would LOVE to take a shot just like it’s freshman year all over again. We may say things like, “Holy shit, how do you drink that?” or, “That's nasty, what the hell are you thinking?” But inside we're dying to pound back the gasoline-flavored mystery that is a shot of Karkov vodka. It makes perfect sense, right? It's cheap and it does the trick faster than most other beverages.

The taste and the terrible aftermath are only a small price to pay.

While that is only a small embarrassment, we're all guilty of much larger offenses. There’s a big one in America right now, and it's something called Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Everyone pretends that they're grossed out by this woman and what she's done to her daughter. We mock her and all the people who tune in every week to see her garble on about nonsensical things that ACTUALLY HAVE TO BE SUBTITLED even though they're in “English.” Let's be honest though, you were all on the edge of your seats in anticipation for the moment she revealed her infamous “forklift toe.” People claim that it's like watching a train

wreck, and usually say so in a negative manner. Well guess what, assholes? We all know you love watching this explosive gaseous tornado of a train wreck.

This obsession transfers over to other aspects of our pop culture as well. Our current music scene is a serious embarrassment. One Direction has made millions on a song about a woman's lack of self-confidence making her beautiful. Seriously though, isn't that what it's about? And even though everyone realizes the simplicity and artificiality of this and their other hits, we still can't seem to change the station whenever it comes on. It's like that scene in every movie ever. The two beefy meathead bros are sitting in a car driving around town. One Direction comes on. They both instantly start bobbing their heads then look at each other in embarrassment.

One may say, “Bro I hate this song, so lame!”

The other would reply with, “Yeah man, can't stand this shit.”

Then a moment of silence ensues where neither of them changes the station.

“We can just leave it on, there's probably commercials on all of the other ones.”

We have all been in this situation. We all secretly can't get One Direction out of our heads and we love it. The

problem is that only a very small minority of people are brave enough to admit their weakness. The rest of us continue on craving to blast 1D but suppressing our urges and instead pretending to like Kanye West and other “less shameful” artists, even though they're just as terrible.

Every time a group of people gathers and one of these topics is mentioned, a collective dissent is usually expressed. We all desperately want to believe that we are normal and that other people should like us. Because of this we disguise the fact that we really love the terrible things about American pop culture. We secretly wish we could go live in Honey Boo Boo's town, we secretly want front row tickets to the One Direction concert, we secretly wanted Snooki to reproduce! Okay no, not the last one.

Please tell me that last one isn't true...

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The Bar Grid

page 10

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Five Students You Will Inevitably Sit Next To In Class This Semester Erin Eller wrote this Once upon a time, around 20 years ago, five unique beings were brought into this world for the sole purpose of adding some spice to your college career. Now, out of seventeen thousand undergrad students at U of M, fate has spoken, and these students have ended up in your lectures this semester!

Here’s a quick introduction to some of the classmates you’ll come hold near and dear to your heart: Facebook Junkie: Never without her MacBook, this student is always doing something on the Internet unrelated to the lecture. If you can find her on Twitter, you’ll have access to all of her thoughts on the lecture, along with the occasional “LOL!” followed by a link to #whatshouldwecallme.

Pros: By sitting behind her, you’ll be updated on her friends’ drama on a consistent basis.

Cons: There’s a high potential that this person will ask to borrow your lecture notes, at which point you can hand her a detailed rundown of which of her friends are sleeping with each other.

Moment to watch for: You’ll catch this student trying to amend a bad hair day using her webcam at least once.

Empty Chair: The student you’ll see twice all semester: Once on the first day, and once at the review session before the final. Maybe.

Pros: You now have a place to keep your backpack off the floor. Also serves as a buffer between you and the other students on this list.

Cons: If (no, when) you get assigned to be this person’s lab

partner, you might be left scratching your head. Don’t despair; who really likes group work, anyway?

Moment to watch for: Expressions of regret and acts of borderline self-harm during the final exam.

Squirmy McSquirmson: Does this kid EVER stop fidgeting? Squirmy is never seen without a coffee in his right (no… he switched again… left) hand, which he could honestly probably do without.

Pros: None really, except maybe that you’ll seem much more laid-back in comparison.

Cons: Provides endless distraction; may obstruct your view of the lecture for 30-second intervals as he rearranges himself more often than necessary during a 50-minute time period.

Moment to watch for: The day when he drops his cell phone under your chair, then spends the rest of class kicking you in the back trying to reach it with his foot.

Definitely Trying Too Hard: This person is incredibly eager to please both classmate and professor. Most likely to be found in the front row, bobbing her head enthusiastically after every sentence out of the professor’s mouth.

Pros: You’ll learn exactly how not to fake smile.

Cons: Where to begin? Endless streams of knife-twistingly awful puns, alternated with painfully obvious hypocrisy. Expect a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde-like tendency to alternate between blatant brown-nosing and ruthless jokes at the professor’s expense.

Moment to watch for: At some point over the course of the

semester, this student will be called out on how two-faced he is. His total humiliation can only be described as priceless.

The Neck-Breather: Do you feel a warm breeze in here? Is that actually Darth Vader sitting behind me? Can you check? I’m afraid to look.

Pros: At least you know this student is very much alive.

Cons: Try not to get distracted by his sexy whistling inhale or charming mucus-permeated exhale.

Moment to watch for: The first high-pressure testing situation. You’ll know exactly how panicked this student is feeling by the varying cadence and volume of his windpipes. Also a contender: allergy season.

You probably recognize some of the individuals we've described, or maybe a combination of two or more. Maybe you even see yourself somewhere on this list. Regardless, you will inevitably come across most of these students at some point, so you’re welcome in advance.

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bartender of the week Ian Burrito Loco Major: Post production Audio (graduated) Favorite drink: Wild Turkey Beer pong, or battle shots: Battle shots.

Best concert ever: Black Joe Horse, and The Honeybears

What’s your favorite drinking game: Tourettes

Are you a Gophers fan: Definitely! They get so many customers in here!

What is the best part of working at Burrito Loco: The amazing coworkers.

Who would win a rap battle Einstein or Stephen Hawking: Einstein, hands down.

Favorite local band: Polica

Who fights in your dream superhero battle: Ironman vs. Batman

Marvel Or DC: DC, all about Batman.

Who do you want to see in a celebrity death match: Paul Ryan vs. Shaq.

What are your thoughts on Snoop Dogg’s name change: With that kind of money he can do whatever he wants.

the drinking game

mario kart Here at The Black Sheep, we encourage you to drink and drive! Never thought you’d here those words, huh? (Not literally, please don’t sue us).

What You’ll Need: Mario Kart, friends who like to play Mario Kart, and beer.

Number of Players: How many controllers you got?

Level of Intoxication: As little as a buzz and as much as a blackout.

How to Play: - Pop in your favorite Mario Kart game and assign characters to players.

- Set up your beers so everyone can reach them. We prefer the ol’ canbetween-the-thighs maneuver.

- Begin the game but drink as follows:

- Take one sip if you’re hit by a shell.

- Take three sips if you’re hit by a lightning bolt.

- Take four sips if you’re hit by a player’s special item.

- Finish your drink every time someone laps you.

- If you fall off the course, drink until you are put back on.

- If you’re dead last, chug whatever you have left.

- The winner of the race gets to choose one player to finish off their drink, too.

The Game Ends When: Everyone is all Mario Kart’d out. But let’s be real, no one ever gets sick of Mario Kart.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

What’s your favorite drinking song: Anything, by the Dropkick Murphys.

Name one guilty pleasure on your iPod: “I Believe In A Thing Called Love,” by The Darkness What are your thoughts on the Vikings: I like the Packers more.

Recipe for Disaster

state fair mac'n'cheese What You’ll Need: A box of your favorite mac ‘n’ cheese brand (It’s Kraft SpongeBob and you know it), flour, two eggs, and oil.

Cook Time: 25 minutes.

Fatty Factor: Go ahead and schedule your gastric bypass surgery for tomorrow.

Let’s Get Baked: - Prepare some mac ‘n’ cheese (you’re college students, we refuse to walk you through that one).

- Heat ½ cup of oil in a skillet.

- While that heats, pour a cup of flour into a bowl.

- Beat two eggs in another bowl.

- Scoop out fist-sized balls of your macaroni and roll it around in some flour.

- Dip your balls in the eggs until it’s fully covered.

- Drop your balls in the hot oil and wait until they turn golden and crispy.

- Once all sides are browned, place your balls on a paper towel-lined tray, let ‘em cool, then dive on in.

You really can make these any shape you want, but we are having just too much fun telling you to place your balls in different foods. You like that, don’t you?

Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com

Flipping Flippingthe thescript script

so your favorite t.v. character walks into a new show...

dean pelton on hillbilly hand fishin' Strengths: We’re not sure if the Dean has any hand fishin’ skills, but it would be very entertaining to see him tiptoe around reaching into a dark, wet hole for a big slippery fish.

We come to love the characters of our beloved scripted shows, if we don’t love them, then the show typically fails. On the other hand, reality shows make us eventually hate everyone, including ourselves, for watching. So, as The Black Sheep prefers to live in our own little fairy world, we decided to imagine how our favorite characters would do on plot-less, burnt out reality shows. By: Quinn and Brendan

ron swanson on survivor Strengths: Ron is a man’s man. No, he is the man’s man. With wood working on the third tier of his Pyramid of Greatness (just below America, buffets, and honor) he would have a small wooden cabin built by the time the others dig a shittin’ hole. Ron’s self-reliance is out matched by only his mustache.

Weakness: The show won’t allow the Dean to display his extensive wardrobe, which might be a problem for him.

Win or Lose?

The Dean will win. He may insist on wearing his sister’s sailor outfit, but we have no doubt he will stick any extremity into the deep cave and get the biggest catfish to suction itself onto it.

charlie day on america's got talent

out as Green Man, drunkenly parade around stage, and maybe club a few rats with his clubbin’s stick.

Win or Lose?

Win or Lose?

dave rose on top chef

Not only will Louie lose, he’ll lose in the most excruciating way possible. Like, he’ll get his rose, fall down the stairs, throw up, cry, and have the girl call him a limpdick pussy, or something.

sterling (malory) archer on

stars earn stripes

Strengths: Dave’s general obliviousness to his vague douchiness will serve him well.

Off-hand remarks about his lack of talent will simply roll off his shoulders, while audiences will eat up his inability to exist in the real world.

Strengths: Years of hands-on training in the field as an ISIS agent, plus, you know, athletic prowess after all those years at lacrosse camp. Coupled with some clever quips and a shrewd, biting sense of humor, and he’ll be banging the female half of the cast two episodes in.

Weakness: The lack of v-neck chef coats will really drag down Dave’s ability to maneuver around the kitchen. Beyond that, there are only so many puns one can make about food, ham I right?

Win or Lose? Loser, as always. Dave’s packing his knives by episode three, as another steak sandwich sends Tom Colicchio into a classic tirade that audiences have come to expect from him.

lucille bluth on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Strengths: There is evidence that Lucille Bluth is the original “Desperate Housewife,” but she isn’t desperate - she runs the show. While the other ladies are drunk and pulling each other’s hair, she’ll sit

Weaknesses: Most women are not turned on by the above.

Ron will win, then never leave the island when the show is over.

Weakness: Several. Charlie has a debilitating lack of confidence in his musical abilities, and will surely turn to cat food and glue for added confidence.

Win or Lose? Sadly, Charlie will lose. He will inevitably come

Strengths: Some women are turned on by fat, balding, bumbling idiots with two kids, a really busy work schedules and no time for a social life.

Weakness: None. His passion for red meat might cause trouble, but he will find a way.

Strengths: Charlie just gets the piano. He may be illiterate, but the piano comes natural to him. Surely he will win the judges over with an emotional rendition of "The Night Man Cometh", if he leaves out all the rape-y parts of course.

Louie on the bachelorette

back, roll her eyes, and sip on another vodka martini.

Weakness: She might be too cold. Sure she could cry for the camera, but she can’t spare the moisture.

Win or Lose? Win. Lucille will have these ladies fighting with each other all week, or at least hire the OC’s finest investigator if they try to get at her.

Weakness: By the third episode he’ll be so bored with having to do actual work, Archer will be drunk during the episode that’s conducted over live fire.

Win or Lose? During the live fire episode, he’ll be automatically disqualified for putting a round in Drew Lachey’s foot after Lachey tries to chastise Archer for his on-set intoxication.

the hound on full metal jousting Strengths: The Hound isn’t just an ordinary knight, he’s a knight from a land of dire wolves, White Walkers and muhfuggin’ dragons. He’s seen some shit.

Weakness: Coming from a fantasy land set in a time that really lacks modern technology, The Hound is used to really killing people with real weapons for…like… good. This won’t bode well because…

Win or Lose? He’ll lose when he actually kills someone. The Hound will be dismounted by some guy who works at Medieval Times, and he won’t like it one bit. A few sword strokes and a lot of blood later, he’ll be off to prison to make everyone his bitch. And hey, the United States prison system offers marginally better living conditions than Westeros, so everyone wins. Well, except the dead guy.

the interview

junk culture

Junk Culture is a one-man band, but not like one of them old-timey guys with cymbals between his knees. Instead, Deepak Mantena’s an eclectic bucket of fun, synth-layered party. He was a blast to talk to. Be sure to grab his newest album, Wild Quiet, wherever it is crazy kids are buying music these days. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How do you put an album together, from concept to finished product?

Deepak Mantena: That’s a really loaded question.

TBS: I know.

Deepak: I can’t say it’s the same each time I do a record, but for Wild Quiet I did have a concept going in. I thought, “Let’s see if I can write something simpler and more focused than what I’ve done before.”

TBS: Was that a superficial goal, or a philosophy you want to stick with going forward?

Deepak: I tend to change up my approach to music on every record. It’s more exciting for me to do that, and it just feels really honest. It might not sound like the record before it, but it will sound like what I was interested in doing at the time.

TBS: You talk about that honesty, but how do you reconcile that idea with the idea that you play music for an audience who has expectations of you?

Deepak: Let me frame it this way: Bands I’m into, I’m not listening to them because they have a sound they’re repeating on every record. I listen to artists that are interested in being adventurous. A good example, I’m a huge fan of Caribou, even back when he was Manitoba or whatever. To me, as an audience member, getting to sink my teeth into one of his new records is a really rewarding feeling. I try to do the same thing with my work.

TBS: What about concern with this new music being translated live?

Deepak: I’m not so worried about that. When I sit down and figure out how to do a live show, I put a huge amount of effort and thought into that. I understand that people come to see songs that they like to hear, but I don’t want the rest of the show to feel like filler, and I think about that. I tour with Girl Talk a lot, and if you strip away what he does it’s a guy on a laptop triggering samples. How does that translate into huge sounds? The answer is, he really thinks about his approach to it.

TBS: What kind of forethought goes into writing a song?

Deepak: I don’t consider how it translates live. That’s a bad attitude to have. When I record a song, it’s about the song. So, when it comes time to how to deal with presenting it live, then we’ll figure it out.

TBS: How much do you pay attention to a crowd in a show?

Deepak: Oh man, that’s the perpetual problem. I used to do a little theatre stuff, and it would always be interesting to see—doing the same play one night to another—how different audiences take to different jokes. I guess I’m not at that level to know how good a show is going to be. I think I can handle the audience a lot better now. They want to be entertained, and it’s your job to guide them through that.

TBS: Five words to describe your live show.

Deepak: Tough, rock.

TBS: Do you struggle with keeping up with contemporary music?

Deepak: The first band I was really into was the Smashing Pumpkins, and they were like, the only band I’d listen to. It would be their whole collection on repeat. I’ll get really into someone and listen to them nonstop, and go through these bands in spurts.

TBS: What goes on your perfect sandwich?

Deepak: I’ll take a good old-fashioned BLT any day.

TBS: If you could have any mythical creature for a pet, what would it be?

Deepak: Does it have to be a pet, or could it be a friend?

TBS: I don’t think a griffin could engage you in conversation for very long.

Deepak: What about a gnome or something?

TBS: Yeah, you could have a gnome.

Deepak: Like, see a movie with him or something.

TBS: No amusement parks, though.

the big three

entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.

pitch perfect - in theaters out september 28 Becca (Anna Kendrick) arrives to a new college convinced she doesn’t fit in, and instantly gets suckered into joining a rag-tag singing group. Yeah, this movie looks pretty damn cheesy a la Glee, but a few select actors (like Adam Levine and Rebel Wilson) will give the movie a good edge.

the real housewives of new york - season finale monday, october 1 at 9pm (bravo) As the 5th season comes to an end, we find perpetuallyPinot-Grigo’d Ramona throwing a charity event that turns into pure mayhem. Meanwhile, at Heather’s charity event, Ramona and her partner-in-booze Sonja make one hell of a scene. Hey, they’re just making their own fun.

matt & kim - lightning in stores october 2 The indie pop-duo Matt and Kim’s fourth album Lightning features 10 tracks, most with only two or three instruments on each. When asked where the name of the album came from, Kim replied “I think I’ll get hit by lightning one day.”

That’s… pretty random. Check out their single “Let’s Go.”

the riddle

can you figure out what the hell this riddle says? email us the question and the answer to riddle@theblacksheeponline.com and possibly win a prize!

the quiz: who is your white house hook-up?

Regardless of how many morals you may think you have, when you're seven SoCo limes in you're going to be thinking with your nether regions, not your brain. Therefore you're going to find a hook-up buddy, even if just for the night. So in the spirit of election season, take our quiz to find out which political person you would grab at 2 a.m.

7) a = 1, b = 2, c = 3 8) a = 2, b = 3, c = 1

9) a = 1, b = 3, c = 2

answer key

6) How do you engage with younger voters? a) Invite them over to the big house for some homemade brew. b) Outlining a series of policies that benefit them, like anal. c) Pop out enough babies to win the popular vote yourself.

5) a = 2, b = 1, c = 3 6) a = 1, b = 3, c = 2

3) What do you look for in a potential running mate? a) A body to die for, but brain dead. b) Let’s just say it’s important they know their constituates intimately. c) Firm goals you believe in, with a butt to match.

5) Do you think gays should be allowed to marry? a) I'm Pro-Chick-fil-A, that shit is delicious. b) As long as I can keep doing what I'm doing, then I don't care. c) Yes, all couples deserve the same benefits.

7) What political perk would you casually drop in conversation? a) Your awesome view of Russia. b) The free condoms in the Oval Office. c) Having a full-time chef at your disposal.

8) What do you do the morning after a political victory? a) Press the meat…on your g-spot. b) Mimosas over the Washington Post. c) Establish citizenship in a different country and run for office there.

9) What would you do if you ran into a former opponent in public? a) Have one of your aides make up an excuse while you hide in the bathroom. b) Politely offer your well-wishes and move on with your day. c) Challenge them to a debate in the closest broom closet you can find.

3) a = 1, b = 2, c = 3 4) a = 3, b = 2, c = 1

2) What's the first thing you try to find out about a political opponent? a) If they like to get dirty. b) If their charity work involves washing the dirty. c) Just the dirt, immediately.

4) What is your stance on abortion? a) Pro-choice all day, every day. b) I'm pro-banging, is that enough for you? c) Psh, only if it's legitimate rape.

1) a = 3, b = 1, c = 2 2) a = 2, b = 3, c = 1

1) What political euphemism for sex would you drop on a hook-up? a) “How about we get bipartisan up in this?” b) “Judging by the look in your eye, the House of Representatives gavel isn’t the only think I’ll be banging tonight.” c) “Don’t Linda Tripp over my huge cock.”

9-14 Points: Sauced-Up and Sexy Sarah Palin or Paul Ryan They aren't the sharpest crayons in the box, and they go off on all sorts of crazy drunken rambles about who-knows-what, but none of that matters when their ripped abs and beautiful hair are in your bed.

These are the freaks who are stupid enough to try anything (or position) once, which makes for an awesome one-night-stand. It's best to leave it at that though, because any future run-ins with these crazy people will either be awkward or just uncomfortable.

15 - 21 Points: ExXXperienced Pooty Tang Monica Lewsinky or Anthony Weiner Usually a slick undergrad with a badass fake-ID or a 5th senior, these folks know what they want and are not shy about getting it. Maybe they've gotten extra credit in unconventional ways, or have taken a naughty picture or two in their day but, hey, that kind of shit really turns you on, and that's cool with us. Whether it's a one-night hook-up or something that turns into a regular weekend booty call, you know that whenever it goes down it's going to be the real deal.

22 - 27 Points: Diamond in the Rough Barack or Michelle Obama You aren't one to normally pick up a random at the bar, but we all have basic human urges that need to be fulfilled sometimes. Lucky for you, you've got a good enough filter to pick out the quality hook-ups in the dark depths of a dirty bar, the ones with just enough gusto to be inticing but with what appears to be (on the outside) a solid STD-free record. So it may not be the love of your life, but at least it'll be a memory you'll look back on fondly.

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