The Black Sheep
fre e minn...lik eso e hav tan ing ac c a n a ent uth , ya en kno tic w.
Vol. 5, Issue 10
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
11/7/13 - 11/13/13
The Real Issues Minnesota Mayoral Candidates Should be Focusing On BY: MEgan felz It’s that time of the year again, that time when young UMN students get splooged in the face with political advertisements. Sometimes, it seems that mayoral candidates aren’t focusing on the issues that many college kids consider to be worthy of their valuable time, time they could otherwise be used getting drunk and peeing on sidewalks. Taxes and education reform just aren’t cutting it these days. So just like those bumps in your lower region, here are the things that need to be addressed. Ending the Light Rail construction: Insider reports tell us the Light Rail construction will be ending in the next year. Oh wait, no, nevermind, it’s just going to remain in construction limbo for the rest of our lives. Students at the University of Minnesota are convinced that finishing the Light Rail is just a myth that administration has told the public to keep them from ripping their hair out over how annoying it is. Light Rail construction affects the Campus Connector route, the walking paths, and viable areas to puke up your lunch after a night of having one too many. The price of Netflix: Let’s face it. College students are hella-broke, especially at UMN when students’ tuition is going toward funding campus police to hand out tickets to bikers on the wrong side of the sidewalk. But there are certain priorities in life, and one of them is ignoring midterms while binging on episode after episode of Scrubs and eating “cheese” straight from the can. It’s your right as a college student. Getting the movie Fargo to go away: Any true Minnesotan, born and raised, can attest to the plague that is Fargo. Vacations go from, “Oh, that’s a funny accent, where are you from?” to, “Oh! I saw that one movie! Is that really what it’s like up there?” No, it is not like that one bit. Fargo plagues every Minnesotan’s life through a man with a shovel who tells a
story in an accent with mannerisms that just make Minnesota a joke. And it so isn’t true. (Actually, it’s pretty true.) How many selfies (drunk or sober) one girl can put onto a social media website: Put a cap on the amount of orange duck-faced selfies we have to see on social media websites. If a girl’s Instagram feed is picture after picture of #nofilter #peace #selfiesunday #nomakeup #loveyourself #starbucks, then that person should be #permanently #banned from all forms of social media for the good of humanity. If
there are more than four hashtags needed, write a book about it. More than ten hashtags should be a federal offense. Jail time should be issued for Facebook hashtags. Making pumpkin flavored everything available ALL YEAR ROUND: There’s absolutely nothing worse than the crash-and-burn sensation of the fall season coming to a close simply because of one fact: you can no longer get everything that you could possibly ever want in pumpkin flavor. Sure, there are the occasional pies or tarts one can buy at the grocery store, but
you can no longer walk into any restaurant and order pumpkin-flavored cheese simply because the leaves are changing. As if us Midwesterners don’t have to deal with enough come fall when the devil starts to piss sleet onto our faces, we also have to deal with our lovely pumpkin flavors disappearing until next year. But you, future mayor, you can make this an orgasmic, pumpkin-filled world. So, to the mayoral candidates this fall, we here at the UMN urge you to make some damn laws that change our lives, and you’ll have The Black Sheep’s vote.
page 4
page 7
page 10
No Shave November: A Hairy Situation
Minnesota Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder
It’s not your fault your roommate’s single
We look deep into the yearly phenomena.
The weather isn’t confused, it just doesn’t know what it wants.
Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_UMN • theblacksheeponline.com
Confronting your roommate can be hard but, damn, he needs to chill.