Vol. 6, Issue 11
The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
C AN FREE DY ...LI IN C KE OFF MA N.
4/10/14 - 4/16/14
MELTING GLACIERS REVEAL OLD MEMES MATHEW KENNEDY WROTE THIS It’s been a long, horrendous winter here in Minnesota, folks. We’ve struggled through an absolute ice age, fingers at the ready to tweet about it every time it snowed. But, winter is finally coming to a merciful end. And as the sun has come out, it has started to melt the ice across campus. At first, random trinkets of warm weather past were spotted around Dinkytown, such as old beer cans and golf carts. But, it isn’t only weird items that were frozen in the ice. Something else was frozen and has now made an ugly appearance: old Internet jokes. “I could have sworn that I heard it at a Starbucks,” said Lauren Goodsley, “I was ordering, and someone behind me said something that I hadn’t heard in that context for years…they said, ‘Winning,’ and it wasn’t even sarcastic.” The joke she’s talking about refers to a famous Charlie Sheen interview conducted during Sheen’s public downfall. The joke was made funny after several YouTube videos went viral for about two weeks. “I thought this whole thing was a joke,” said Internet user Thomas Nelson. “But, on one of my tests, one of the questions asked me what seat Rebecca Black should take. I hadn’t thought about that for years.”
“AUSTIN LATER CLAIMED THAT HE WAS AFRAID OF GOING ON THE COMPUTER IN FEAR OF BEING ‘RICK ROLL’D.’” It’s true. If you thought you were done hearing the song “Friday,” you thought wrong. There have been increased amounts of appearances of these old jokes as the weather has warmed up. Scientists have concluded that these jokes were frozen in the ice, and as the ice melts, the jokes have slowly oozed their way back into our lives. Local authorities have refused to accept the problem at hand and the danger it may bring. But they have sent out warnings, such as a reminder to refrain from saying “Ooh” as a peer may quickly respond with a “kill ‘em.”
“I’m really worried,” DeVries cried, “Austin won’t go on his computer anymore. He says he doesn’t want to. I think that he’s getting cyber-bullied. Who would pick on my Austin? He’s so sweet! He didn’t mean to kill our dog, he just sat on him on accident! He’s big-boned!”
There is a true sense of panic not only across campus, but across the country. People are living a life scared of opening up their favorite apps in fear of being told what the fox says.
Austin later claimed that he was afraid of going on the computer in fear of being “Rick Roll’d.”
Martha DeVries, a Minneapolis soccer mom, has a true sense of panic for the well-being of her son, Austin.
There’s been no word as to whether the government will step in to moderate the situation. However, there is one member of government who is willing to accept the new norm. United States Vice President Joe
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SENIOR STILL DRINKING BOXER AFTER FOUR YEARS
THINGS TO LOOK UP FOR UKRAINIAN STUDIES MAJOR
HE’S NOT REALLY SURE WHY HIMSELF.
THERE’S A LOT TO KNOW ABOUT THE EASTERN EUROPEAN COUNTRY.
Biden has more than publicly acknowledged the outbreak, he seems to accept it. “I use the Internet pretty much every day, so you can say I’m an expert, you know what I’m saying?” Joe Biden said. “I also have a lot of Twitter followers, so I think that a lot of people dig my tweets. So, naturally, I was one of the first people to get the down-low on this mad scene. To be real, I don’t know what the sitch is. In fact, I think these jokes are pretty LMAO-worthy. I’ve been sending them to all the peeps!” Joe Biden was unable to comment any further due to the fact that he was running late to record a Harlem Shake video.
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WE INTERVIEW: THE ORWELLS IF THESE YOUNG SUBURBAN BOYS DON’T BECOME FAMOUS, WE’LL EAT OUR METAPHORICAL HAT.