Vol. 6, Issue 11
The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
C AN FREE DY ...LI IN C KE OFF MA N.
4/10/14 - 4/16/14
MELTING GLACIERS REVEAL OLD MEMES MATHEW KENNEDY WROTE THIS It’s been a long, horrendous winter here in Minnesota, folks. We’ve struggled through an absolute ice age, fingers at the ready to tweet about it every time it snowed. But, winter is finally coming to a merciful end. And as the sun has come out, it has started to melt the ice across campus. At first, random trinkets of warm weather past were spotted around Dinkytown, such as old beer cans and golf carts. But, it isn’t only weird items that were frozen in the ice. Something else was frozen and has now made an ugly appearance: old Internet jokes. “I could have sworn that I heard it at a Starbucks,” said Lauren Goodsley, “I was ordering, and someone behind me said something that I hadn’t heard in that context for years…they said, ‘Winning,’ and it wasn’t even sarcastic.” The joke she’s talking about refers to a famous Charlie Sheen interview conducted during Sheen’s public downfall. The joke was made funny after several YouTube videos went viral for about two weeks. “I thought this whole thing was a joke,” said Internet user Thomas Nelson. “But, on one of my tests, one of the questions asked me what seat Rebecca Black should take. I hadn’t thought about that for years.”
“AUSTIN LATER CLAIMED THAT HE WAS AFRAID OF GOING ON THE COMPUTER IN FEAR OF BEING ‘RICK ROLL’D.’” It’s true. If you thought you were done hearing the song “Friday,” you thought wrong. There have been increased amounts of appearances of these old jokes as the weather has warmed up. Scientists have concluded that these jokes were frozen in the ice, and as the ice melts, the jokes have slowly oozed their way back into our lives. Local authorities have refused to accept the problem at hand and the danger it may bring. But they have sent out warnings, such as a reminder to refrain from saying “Ooh” as a peer may quickly respond with a “kill ‘em.”
“I’m really worried,” DeVries cried, “Austin won’t go on his computer anymore. He says he doesn’t want to. I think that he’s getting cyber-bullied. Who would pick on my Austin? He’s so sweet! He didn’t mean to kill our dog, he just sat on him on accident! He’s big-boned!”
There is a true sense of panic not only across campus, but across the country. People are living a life scared of opening up their favorite apps in fear of being told what the fox says.
Austin later claimed that he was afraid of going on the computer in fear of being “Rick Roll’d.”
Martha DeVries, a Minneapolis soccer mom, has a true sense of panic for the well-being of her son, Austin.
There’s been no word as to whether the government will step in to moderate the situation. However, there is one member of government who is willing to accept the new norm. United States Vice President Joe
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PAGE 5
SENIOR STILL DRINKING BOXER AFTER FOUR YEARS
THINGS TO LOOK UP FOR UKRAINIAN STUDIES MAJOR
HE’S NOT REALLY SURE WHY HIMSELF.
THERE’S A LOT TO KNOW ABOUT THE EASTERN EUROPEAN COUNTRY.
Biden has more than publicly acknowledged the outbreak, he seems to accept it. “I use the Internet pretty much every day, so you can say I’m an expert, you know what I’m saying?” Joe Biden said. “I also have a lot of Twitter followers, so I think that a lot of people dig my tweets. So, naturally, I was one of the first people to get the down-low on this mad scene. To be real, I don’t know what the sitch is. In fact, I think these jokes are pretty LMAO-worthy. I’ve been sending them to all the peeps!” Joe Biden was unable to comment any further due to the fact that he was running late to record a Harlem Shake video.
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SENIOR STILL DRINKING BOXER AFTER FOUR YEARS CORA NEISEN WROTE THIS
Unfortunately, college is the only time in a person’s life when it’s socially acceptable to drink really shitty alcohol. It just isn’t cool to drink Ron Diaz out of a water bottle when you’re 25. (Cue collective sigh of disappointment.) By senior year, most students invest in nicer alcohol because seriously, what’s more freshman than sneaking a pull of Svedka out of a plastic water bottle that you pulled from a UMN Welcome Week knapsack? While we thought that it was only freshmen that drink cheap, gross beer, we came across a senior, yes a 22-year-old man, who still drinks Boxer. History major Matt Hannon is still religiously drinking Boxer after four years. Wondering how he accomplishes this feat, we sat down for an interview. The Black Sheep: How do you drink a beer that tastes like urine and meatballs? Matt Hannon: You know, cheap beer
gets a bad rep. It actually is a whole lotta bang for your buck. Plus, it’s better than taking six shots of tequila in two minutes and waking up wearing only a nut cup on a futon in Como wondering what you’re doing with your life. TBS: Of all the other shitty beers out there, why did you chose Boxer? MH: It was really trial and error. I drank PBR for a while but that’s just for the urban yuppies that want to look cool drinking beer but don’t actually want to commit to a real beer. I also went through a Natty Light phase but that’s just too frat for me. Boxer is a one-of-akind beer, and I feel like the Boxer community is very tight-knit. Like, when you see another dude at the liquor store buying one of those beautiful 36-packs, you just throw up a nice wave and head nod to acknowledge their awesomeness. TBS: Do you feel that Boxer has something special that is often overlooked? MH: Absolutely. I mean what other
beer can looks like it was designed by a 19-year-old finance major. No frills, no bright colors, just the basics. And a crown. Ain’t nothing better than that, folks. Except maybe free Mesa. TBS: Do you see yourself drinking Boxer in the future? MH: I do, I really do. I mean maybe in my late 20s I’ll upgrade to something like Milwaukee’s Best, but I really see myself later in life as one of those dads who wears running shoes with every outfit, has an epic beer belly, and always has a can of Boxer. Maybe walks around the yard with his butt crack hanging out fixing some things around the house. You know, the real champs in life. TBS: It’s interesting to see you defy the social norms and stand up for what you believe in. Have you faced discrimination based on your drink preferences? MH: I’ve definitely faced harsh bullying by Coors Light, Keystone Light, and
Busch drinkers. I especially noticed an increase when I started drinking the watermelon-flavored Boxer, and it hit me hard. This is a big part of who I am. You know, people don’t normally look at bullying in this sense, but I think it is something that we need to be aware of. Here at the University of Minnesota, we shouldn’t discriminate based on alcohol preferences, whether you drink watermelon beer or Smirnoff. TBS: What advice would you give younger students who are trying to
stick with Boxer but don’t know if they can do it for another three years? MH: I would just tell them to keep plugging away. I mean alcohol isn’t supposed to taste good, people! It serves one purpose and one purpose only, to allow me to sit back, listen to some mediocre hip-hop and awkwardly have my junk rubbed by someone random person’s butt. What’s better than that?! TBS: Any closing remarks you want to leave our readers with? MH: Do you bae, do you.
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AROUND CAMPUS
THE
TOP
TEN
REASONS YOU’RE IN CLA ALEXANDRA ADAMS WROTE THIS
CARLSON STUDENTS SUFFER
FROM RECENT EMPLOYER SURVEY ARON WOLDE WROTE THIS A recent report from the survey group OFI has shown that employers are looking for students with interests, quirks, and eccentricities; or in layman’s terms, a personality. Hugh Rykes, an analyst at the OFI, said the news was initially shocking, but then obvious. “We polled every Fortune 500 company in the United States, followed by every corporation in Canada, and then every LLC in Mexico,” Hugh noted. “We found that every employer, when asked, said they wanted someone dynamic, interesting, or unique. Job requirements were always stated after these adjectives.” Rykes said he thought employers’ desire to recruit interesting humans was somehow tied to television. “In a world filled with Monicas and Rosses, Chandler Bings and Phoebe Buffays are rare, even the occasional Joey is something.” Hugh and his team examined why there are so few comic personalities in this world. Their research discovered something staggering. “Most people think they’re funny or interesting when they’re not. Parents are the most to blame. Mothers and fathers across the country think talking about their kids is fun,” Hugh claims. “’Little Tyler went to potty’ they think that’s interesting, the other problem is awkward laughs. Have you ever been on a date and just laughed at something so it will stop? This is the problem; this is the cause of boring people. Our society has become complacent with humor; instead of laughing because something is funny, people have started laughing out of obligation.” The survey’s results have been hitting Carlson students the hardest. Alan Hark, a business operations major, says the information is troubling. “I’m a pretty average Carlson student. Every morning I put on my tie, go to class, and enjoy a nice glass of watered down Aquafina with some toast. Now that I know employers are looking for personalities, I’ll have to put jam on my toast. I don’t like that.” Alan says he’s trying to think of ways to make himself more interesting, but like most of
his classmates, that’s turning into a colossal problem. “CLA has pop culture, CSE has various fandoms, and CBS doesn’t have to worry about finding jobs. It just feels like Carlson is being singled out,” Alex continued. Hugh says that isn’t completely wrong, boring people have a way of hurting workplaces, especially ones in the financial field:
“In a world filled with Monicas and Rosses, Chandler Bings and Phoebe Buffays are rare, even the occasional Joey is something.” “You wouldn’t be surprised at how many people we found killed themselves in front of a water cooler. Death by boredom, there’s nothing worse; when confronted with it, most people just awkwardly laugh and walk back to their cubicle or office. You see the worst of it in accounting firms, on-site nurses are hired and employees aren’t allowed to wear belts.” Companies across the nation have begun to hire new and unique people who can help alleviate this problem. Companies like 3M and Target Corp. have in-house comedians that show up every half hour to say something funny. Coca-Cola installed a playpen for young people to “chill” in. Dell and BestBuy have Bill Cosby signed to a two year contract. Although that might just be for diversity. “These solutions, while they seem great, will only provide part-time relief,” says Hugh. “Eventually the comedians and the entertainers will just become normal unqualified employees.” For now business students across the nation have been put on alert. Carlson student Alex has more plans to zest up his life: “Besides jam on my toast, I’m going to dye my hair from brown to lighter brown.”
Ah, CLA. UMN’s school for people who’d rather be partying. Or studying 18th century British Literature. Or both. Regardless, from Carlson to CBS, CLA is the biggest and weirdest of the schools. We CLA kids are all stuck here because of something. Here at The Black Sheep, we know why. 10.) You failed Algebra in high school: “Fail” is a strong word. After all, you somehow managed to graduate. But between constant cell phone games and occasional catnaps, your grade wasn’t so wonderful in math class. Eventually, it dawned upon you that medical school is a poorer idea than covering yourself in steak sauce and tapping on Hannibal Lecter’s shoulder. 9.) You’re in a niche science major but the U is freaking weird: Seriously? Your major is full of equations and constant studying and yet it’s still considered “liberal arts”? This is why we wonder if the UMN administrators are constantly high on the ganja. Well that, and the fact that we call ourselves the Gophers when our mascot is actually a chipmunk. 8.) You need to work fifty jobs to pay for this shit: Unfortunately, a four year degree is becoming a pesky real- world requirement. You could have a degree in dead languages for all employers care. They just want that slip of paper. The U may cost less than most places, but for the love of god tuition just keeps increasing. You best major in”communications” or some nonsense in hopes that then, perhaps, you’ll have time to make vaguely enough to pay for this crap. 7.) You have no idea what you want to do: Let’s be honest. When you were a freshman, you had no worldly idea what you’d be doing. Hell, you’re a junior and have no worldly idea what you’ll be doing. This is the story you can tell your grandkids at the lake cabin, while explaining why your life was ultimately a failure. 6.) You wanted to watch a lot of movies: While Carlson kids are chatting away about their summer internships and lack of city bus experience, CLA kids are watching their third documentary in one day. It takes you back to elementary school days when teachers would wheel in a television and pop in some Bill Nye the Science Guy. 5.) Your only skills involve talking and writing: Sports? Nope. Math? Nope. Cooking? Nope. Fashion? Not even a little bit. Your skills are limited to words and words only. Luckily, CLA can offer a broad variety of slightly different word-related lifestyles for you to dabble in and pretend to be impressive. 4.) You are too afraid of the cold to commute to St. Paul: So maybe you could’ve done agriculture or design, but you certainly couldn’t stand at a bus stop for sometimes fifteen minutes at a time. Hell, even now that it’s spring, being outside at all sounds downright terrible. 3.) Tests are not your forte: Is it C? Or is it D? What about A? Actually, it’s gotta be F. Definitely F. Because “F” this. Tests are the worst.They require you to actually do your reading, which is such a fabulously large shame. You probably could’ve gone to the 90’s and danced with a beautiful drag queen instead. 2.) You need to blend in with your fellow weirdoes: Ah, The College of Liberal Arts, where everyone has a tattoo, piercing, or problem, even if they don’t tell you about it. It’s oddly wonderful and soothing to be around folks who are equally, if not more, messed up than you are. 1.) You need time for your busy drinking schedule: College is a little about academics, a lot about figuring out how to care for yourself, and almost entirely about drinking. Ask your parents about their college days. Odds are your Midwestern up-bringers will turn as red as you will after your first day in the pool. CLA’s flexible schedule certainly allows for some “get down” time. Just don’t hurt yourself.
05
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ON THE STREETS WHAT’S THE GROSSEST THING YOU’VE EVER PUT UP WITH TO GET SOME? Libby, Freshman
“Osirises.”
Sophie, Freshman
“A neard. Neck+beard=neard.”
Laura, Freshman
“A gross ego. Misogynistic comments. There’s nothing worse.”
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THINGS STARTING TO LOOK UP FOR
UKRAINIAN STUDIES MAJOR DAVID ZIRINSKY WROTE THIS
At the University of Minnesota students in majors look down on other majors. Others’ academic paths are viewed as being inferior for various reasons, ranging from lack of economic prospects for some to the lack of IQ required for others. “I would say that as a Ukrainian studies major I’m always the butt of jokes.” Blake Johnson told The Black Sheep adding, “People always ask me why I would ever major in something like this, and I can’t say it’s because I am incapable of doing any sort of academic work, so I tell them I have a deep passion and understanding of the dynamic nation we call Ukraine.” “Taking pleasure in the demise of others is always frowned upon. It’s like being really profitable as a coffin salesman,” said Johnson. “However, since the start of the protests in Ukraine, and especially after the Russian invasion, people all over have been asking for my opinion. Instead of trying to subtly hide their laughter at the mere sound of my voice, I’m starting to see people actually register what I’m saying. They tell me, ‘Wow that’s so thoughtful.’ This war is really the best thing that has ever happened to me, guys.” Though Blake is happy about the unrest, other classmates of his were not so ecstatic. “All my professors with PhDs in Ukrainian studies are being interviewed by major news outlets. Unfortunately, this crisis happened when we were undergrads. Now no one will care about us by the time we have our doctorates. If I had a PhD I could get you to buy my book about a country I’ve been an ’expert’ on for years. It wouldn’t matter that in my life I’d have spent a total of a week there,” Johnson’s cohort Tim Macama noted. Many of Blake’s classmates have considered switching their focus to a different country, based on the country they thought next to implode. “My money is on Mauritania” said Ukrainian Studies sophomore Justin Smith, “Africa is easy, some ethnic group is always trying to kill another one.” While some were blessing the cycle of interest that major political crises had brought, others were more wary of the fad. “Being an Arabic major really was cool when all the Egyptians were first protesting, but it’s been three years now and people aren’t as interested in hearing about Egypt,” poly-sci student Brandon Svetnik said. He went on to observe that the fad lasts about a month after a political crisis happens and then, “People realize they’re still talking to a moron who can’t handle doing homework in college.” Some undergraduate students felt that they were above the fray of finding political crises to exploit. One political science major told The Black Sheep that, “I’m in political science because I know that predicating the next crisis is hard. This way regardless of what crisis happens I’ll know what to do.” When we questioned his methodology he said, “I’ll use just enough statistics to sound like I know what I’m talking about regardless of the conversation. People will learn to ignore my mouth vomit regardless of the political climate! and with that cup-half-full logic, anything is possible when you put your mind to it.”
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SPECIAL NIGHT
TUES: 8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers 8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3 Tequila Shots
WED: Wings N Things $0.39 Wings: 4pm - 10pm 2-4-1 Drinks (9-Close)
EVERYDAY: Happy Hour 3-6PM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks, 1/2 Price Select Apps
Friday: Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close
SAT: $3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)
Thursday 4/10
8pm-Close: All-U-Care-2-Drink with a College or Military ID $10 AUC2D Domestic Taps & Well Mixers, $1 O-Bombs $3 UV Vodka
9pm - Close: $3 Coors Light, $3 Long Islands, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
Karaoke Thursdays! $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 Shots from 10-close.
1/2 Price Bottles of Wine Starting at 5pm Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks, 1/2 Price Select Apps
Military ID Night: Show your military ID for free cover
No Cover! $3 Cruzan Run $3 Budweiser Products, $3 Cruzan Rum and Svedka $6 Dozen Wings (7pm-Midnight)
Friday 4/11
8pm-Close: $4 Three Olives Vodka, $5 Three Olives Flavored Long Islands, $2 Mini Bombs (Jäger, Cherry & Orange) $5 VEGAS BOMBS!
8pm - Close: $3 Mich. Golden Light Pints $3 Rails, Live Music 10pm Close, $3 Grape Apes, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm Close
Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps
Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close
$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)
Saturday 4/12
8pm-Close: $4 Bacardi $2 Mini Bombs (Jäger, Cherry & Orange) $5 VEGAS BOMBS!
9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close
$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps
Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close
$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)
Open ONLY DURING Twins Games & Special Events $3 Wells and Domestic Taps $4 Calls, Micro/Import Taps
10am - 2pm: $5 Stack of Pancakes, $4 Bloody Mary’s Screwdrivers 6pm - 11pm: All burgers $6.99, 8 - 11pm: Buy any app or dessert get a free pitcher of domestic or lite beer 8-close: $3 Domestic Bottles and $2.50 Rail Drinks
Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close
$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight | Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-1AM, $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps
Service Industry Night! Show pay-stub from your bar or club and get free cover!
No Cover! Inventory Reduction Sunday (IRS) $3 Specials that change every Sunday from 7pm-Close
8pm - Close: $3 Coors Mugs, $5 Jameson Gingers, All Day Pizza for Pennies! Buy any large pizza and get the 2nd pizza for $0.99
Flippin' Drinks! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 9pm - Close
$2 Sloppy Jacks All Day Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks, 1/2 Price Select Apps
College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new!
NO COVER! Happy Hour Drinks: 3:30pm-Close $3 Domestic Bottles, $3 Rail Drinks, $4 Specialty Bottles, $4 Call Drinks, $5 Top Shelf Drinks $0.35 Wings 8pm-11pm (Dine in only)
8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers 8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3 Tequila Shots
Birthday Karaoke Night!
Taco Tuesdays 5pm-10pm Root City Trio at 9:30pm Happy Hour 3-6PM, 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks, 1/2 Price Select Apps
Ladies Night! Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!
No Cover! Karaoke: 9pmClose, Beer Pong, $3 Budweiser Products and Well Drinks, $3 Heineken, Heineken Light, Amstel Light & Dos Equis Bottles 7pm-midnight, $5 Mini Burger Platter (7pm-11pm)
$2 Half Pound Burgers 5-10pm Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks, 1/2 Price Select Apps
Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the first time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to all Ladies
No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps $3 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain $5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight
Mason Jar Monday (8pm-Close)
Tuesday 4/15
$3 Bud & Bud Light Taps $3 Double UV Vodka & Rails $5 Bud & Bud Light Pitchers $10 Bud or Bud Light Towers
$3 U-Call It’s Rails, Calls and Every Beer on Tap $5 VEGAS BOMBS!
Wednesday 4/16
Monday 4/14
Happy Hour! Mon - Sat 3-8pm: 2 for 1 on “Almost” Anything, $1 Off Apps. Friday & Saturday 8pm-10pm: $3 Calls, Wells and Any Tap, $4 Vodka Red Bulls
Sunday 4/13
The Bar Grid
Call 612.379.6082 to schedule an appointment or visit TheRailApts.com
8pm-Close: $0.25 Wings with College or Military ID, or purchase of a $8 AUCD wristband. ($0.50 without) $8 AUC2D Miller Lite Tap, Wells, Bacardi Oakheart, $1.50 Miller High Life “Tall Boys”
8pm - close: $5 for one pound of boneless wings, $2 for 1’s
Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf)
$3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs, $3 Long Island Pints
Wings N Things $0.39 Wings: 4pm - 10pm 2-4-1 Drinks (9-Close)
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1) Money: The Canadian $1 coin is better known as what? 2) Whales: This whale is the largest toothed whale found in the world’s oceans. 3) Shapes: What shapes internal angle adds up to 540 degrees? 4) World Capitals: This Mongolian capital houses almost half of the country’s population. 5) Fashion: What is the name of the design pattern that uses droplet-shaped Persian vegetable motif?
MIKE of THE TEA GARDEN DRINKING GAME Summer Festival Countdown If you’re like us, you’ve definitely had enough of school now to the point where you’re ready to admit that, this summer, you may have absolutely nothing going on job-wise, but there’s always festival season! To defend your $300 investment on standing in sweltering crowds of several thousands, cheer yourself up with this pre-game to the pre-game of your festival. What You’ll Need: The group of friends you’ll be concert-going/camping/drunkenly hooking up with for the summer, a computer or smartphone, and a matching Spotify playlist (optional) Number of Players: If you’re planning on heading to a festival alone, you probably already have your drinking plans set up for tonight … and tomorrow … and the rest of the weekend … Level of Intoxication: “Hey, these guys actually aren’t that bad! We should totally miss Outkast for them.” How to Play: Navigate your web browser to whatever festival you blew your parent’s money on this year. Make sure that the entire lineup is showing, not just headliners or “day-by-by” schedules. Starting at the top of the lineup, take a drink whenever one of the below criteria is met:
- There is a band making a “comeback.” - A band your parents saw back in the 80s is on the bill. - Any EDM artist surfaces – no exceptions. - A pop-punk band from your middle school days shows up out of nowhere. - A rapper who’s serious, hard-hitting lyrics about overcoming the struggles living in an awful neighborhood are found “most relatable” to affluent college kids shows up. - A band whose radio-abused single is on the tip of your tongue, but you just can’t name it comes up. - Anyone you haven’t the slightest clue about is on the bill (treat this as the finale). Everyone drinks when: - The phrase “God, this year’s lineup is so good” comes up. - The phrase “Hm … I mean, it’s no 2013, but it’s a solid lineup, right?” comes up. - The phrase “Holy shit, this lineup is fucking awful” inevitably comes up. Game Ends When: You’re either excessively excited for the festival or morally outraged at impulse buying.
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6) Word Origins: What word originated during the crusades, when a Muslim sect would murder Christians as a religious duty? 7) Weapons: The AIM 9-Sidewinder is a type of this weapon. 8) Technology: What well-known music service labels itself, “Music for Everyone?” 9) Sports: Not counting the play-in games, what school won the first 2014 NCAA tournament games? 10) Science: Antoine-Laurent de Lavoisier is considered the Father of Modern _______.
Mike’s Answers
Correct Answers
1) Monopoly Money 2) Beluga whale 3) Pentagon 4) Nope, I don’t know. 5) Paisley 6) Jihad 7) Revlolver 8) Spotify 9) I don’t care 10) Genetics
1) Loon 2) Sperm whale 3) Pentagon 4) Ulan Bator 5) Paisley 6) Assassin 7) Missile 8) Spotify 9) Dayton10) Chemistry
Mike’s Score: 3 out of 10
RECIPE for DISASTER Decked-Out Peanut Butter and Grilled Cheese Alright, time to stop kidding yourself: you’re running low on money. Whether your parents are cutting you off for the third year in a row of abysmal grades or you’ve just been giving up shifts at the dining hall, if there’s one thing that’s for sure, it’s that you’re spending way too much on late-night pizzas and chicken strips. To cope, here’s a quick, easy, and cheap snack that you could honestly make right now within the comfort of your own home … if you’re properly sauced at 2:30 in the morning, of course. What You Need: A toaster or George Foreman Grill (we prefer the latter because the grill lines at least make it seem like we dined out for the night.), 6 slices of bread (3 at the very LEAST. You can stack this sucker up as high as you want, baby.), Peanut butter, Your favorite flavor of jelly, Plastic cheese singles (if you’re fancy enough to be toting around deli-style carvings, then leave us peasants alone.) Cook Time: About 10 minutes. Fatty Factor: If it’s come to this, you can’t really complain about feeling a little queasy. Let’s Get Baked: - Fire up the George Foreman and place as many slices of bread on the grill as possible. If you have one of those fancy-schmancy industrial-sized
ones that can fit ALL 6 slices on at once, then congratulations: your parents love you more than ours. - Periodically check the toast to see if it’s grilled to your liking, but, you only want to get halfway there. - Remove the toast and begin assembling the first deck of the sandwich by placing a cheese single on a slice, following by another slice, followed by another single, and finished off with another slice. Look at you and your college education! - Begin assembling the second deck of the sandwich by applying the same concepts we learned in chapter 1 (the above step). This time, of course, stick to layers of peanut butter and jelly. - Carefully place the finished sandwich back on the grill. It’ll heat things up fast, so if the scent of burning cheese makes your nose hairs tear up, be attentive. - Remove the sandwich without searing your hand. - Stuff that sucker down before you sober up to visible regret. We know, we know. This is budget cooking to the absolute extreme. But if years of mixing assorted liquors together have taught us anything, it’s that, with practice, mixing assorted foods won’t make you sick all the time.
NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS:
THE ORWELLS BRENDAN BONHAM WROTE THIS
E, G U H ET G ’T N O D LS EL W R O E IF TH T. A H L A IC R O H P A ET M R U O T EA LL E’ W U.S . TIME OF DAY ABOUT THEIR UPCOMING THE US E GIV TO G LIN WIL S WA MO E. FRONTMAN MARIO CUO OUT, AND A LEGENDARY TV APPEARANC NG PPI DRO , ONS ATI PIR INS HIS R, TOU
TBS: You guys are from Elmhurst, Illinois, a suburb of Chicago. How did growing up in that environment influence your music? Cuomo: There really wasn’t shit to do besides play football or skate a bunch. Other than that, there wasn’t jack shit to do, so we just started having a fucking band practice every Friday for a few years.
TBS: Letterman loved the performance. What is it like to connect with someone musically, someone who is in their late 60s or early 70s? Cuomo: It’s really cool. It’s nice to know anyone can enjoy our music—it doesn’t have to be some fuckin’ teenager or guy in his early 20s. It can be anyone. It’s a lot cooler than bands who only reach a certain demographic.
TBS: When did you know you could actually do this? Cuomo: Probably, like, my senior year of high school.
TBS: You’re playing Chicago on your American leg of the tour. Does coming home mean anything special to you? Cuomo: It’s just another show.
TBS: Did it ever cross your mind to do college or anything? Cuomo: I wanted to do the band thing so much that I dropped out of high school so I could eliminate the chance of going to college. TBS: It’s you, your cousin and a pair of brothers in The Orwells. Do you think this family angle changes how you guys interact with one another from a band perspective? Cuomo: I don’t think it makes a difference. We’re close in different ways, but it’d be the same if we weren’t related. TBS: How does the creative process work? Cuomo: Our guitarist will come up with a fucking sweet riff or a demo or something. Then he’ll show it to all of us. We’ll play it through a couple of times. If it sounds good enough I’ll write lyrics for it right there. TBS: Is your lyrically dark imagery something you’re going for? Cuomo: Some of that stuff was written at a time when I wasn’t really having it—I didn’t know if the fucking band thing would work out or if I was fucked and I’d have to go get a shitty job because I don’t have qualifications for anything. I didn’t know if I was going to be kicked out and shit. I wasn’t in the best mood, in general. But, I like dark shit. TBS: Your live shows are legendary. How do you get ready for something like that? Cuomo: I have a couple of drinks. TBS: How do you know if you’re having a good live show? Cuomo: I go apeshit every time. If I go apeshit every time my head hurts and I’m sweaty as a motherfucker. I’m really exhausted. That’s how I know I did my part—if I’m fucking beat after. TBS: Your Late Show with David Letterman performance was out of control. Is that pretty indicative of what a live show is like? Cuomo: That could very well be exactly what you see during a set at a venue.
TBS: What about Lollapalooza in 2013? Cuomo: That was a milestone thing. It was a real big deal to us. TBS: How did you react to finding out you want to play Lolla? Cuomo: It was pretty sweet, but a little different. We got a booking agent and the first question he asked us was, “Do you want to play Lollapalooza.” The next year we were. It was so cool. I was looking forward to it the whole year, and it kept me super-positive. If something shitty happened, it’s just, “We’re playing Lollapalooza.” TBS: What else do you look at as career milestones? Cuomo: Opening for The Black Lips on New Year’s a year ago.
TBS: Are they a big influence on you guys? Cuomo: Yeah, huge. TBS: Do you take anything away from someone like that when you watch them play live? Cuomo: Um, it’s an honor, but it’s one of the first bands we saw in Logan Square Auditorium. It was the craziest fucking thing. Until then I thought it was the cool thing to—like, bands who look like they don’t give a shit, they play their set without moving too much—I saw The Black Lips and they were using their guitars as baseball bats to hit beers into the crowd. It was the coolest shit I’ve ever seen. I thought, “I’d rather be like these dudes.” TBS: Who else inspires you? Cuomo: In high school probably the biggest influence to me was Tyler the Creator. TBS: Really? Cuomo: Yeah, I listened to them all of the time—I was like, “Fuck school, I wanna tour and have crazy-ass shows like these guys.” When I saw Odd Future they had one of those shows where they were just going off, it was one of those badass shows. He just owns shit, and I was like, “I want to be like that.” I look up to him so much. He’s proof. If he did it, then it’s doable. TBS: What does it mean to you to be successful? Cuomo: When a bunch of people love you and a bunch of people hate the shit out of you.
six degrees of separation
do you know how fairuza balk and bill murray are connected? send your answers to sixdegrees@theblacksheeponline.com and if you’re right, you’ll win a sweet prize!
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