The Black Sheep
FRE E.. PRE . LIKE SSU THE RE OF CRIPP FIN LIN ALS G .
Vol. 6, Issue 14
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
5/1/14 - 5/7/14
FRESHMAN STILL TALKING ABOUT HOW HE WAS AT RIOTS MATHEW KENNEDY WROTE THIS At this point, the Minnesota Gophers hockey team has started to recover from their devastating loss in the NCAA Ice Hockey championship game. Also, Dinkytown has started to recover from the vicious rioting that happened after the tournament. However, freshman Jacob Thomas is still telling everyone about how he was at the riots a few weeks ago.
He has also become notorious for sharing riot pictures on his Instagram every Throwback Thursday.
“Dude, those riots?” Thomas brightened when the subject was brought up, “Hell yeah, I was there! I was one of the first ones there, dude! It was so insane!”
Thomas has also been said to be telling everyone a story about a “guy who got tackled.”
Thomas doesn’t realize that everyone else has gotten over the two nights of riots in the heart of Dinkytown, and he goes around showing everyone the video he took of a kid on top of a cop car. “It’s definitely kind of annoying,” said Ben Dickerson, Thomas’s roommate, “I mean, a lot of us were there. Everyone talked about it in class the next Monday, but really, after that, it was just a memory.” Thomas especially likes to show his friends at other schools that he was at the riot. Every few days, he posts a video that he filmed with his phone on his Facebook page about a frustrated reporter that was in Dinkytown that night.
“I got asked about it when I went home for Easter,” Thomas said proudly. “Everyone seemed really interested in it when I told them! How many college students get to say that THEY were in a riot? THAT’S how hard I go down at the U of M!”
“The ‘guy who got tackled’ story?” Thomas said, “A classic, dude! Basically, this one guy mooned the cops, and the cops just came and tackled him! It was insane!” Thomas has been seen talking about the “action” that he got that fateful night. “Get this. There was, like, a helicopter with a spotlight. Some guys were putting girls on their shoulders so everyone could see them. And these girls started flashing the helicopters! Like, with their boobs! I think I saw five total boobs that night. That’s like three more than my entire life.” “What? No.”Thomas said, confused, “I didn’t actually get to touch one or anything.”
Friends of Thomas have started to think some stories may be fabricated. “As time has gone on, we’ve noticed that he’s telling some weird stories,” one of Thomas’s friends claimed. “Like, just yesterday he was telling us that he got hit by a riot shield. We told him that we
didn’t see that, and he said that it happened when, conveniently, literally everyone there wasn’t looking. I mean, dude. The riots happened. No one really cares anymore. Get over it.” Thomas may be suffering from “social awkwardness.” Social awkwardness is often described in
people as someone who “keeps talking about something that others are done talking about.” Thomas seemed confused when asked about this. “Social awkwardness? What does that have to do with the riot?” Thomas asked. “I guess I don’t really understand what the question
means.” Thomas’s last known activity was him uploading a picture that he took with an unaware cop as his new profile picture, using the caption “U of M Riots!!!!” across several social media platforms.
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