Minnesota - Issue 15 - 5/8/2014

A W ESENITS R D E S PRE E F R E E D O M U A H A N E G A N D A C M S H E H I I S S U E L L L P E E H S K C A L B E TH

THE FUN AND GAMES ISSUE

Volume 6, Issue 15 • 5/8/2014 • @BlackSheep_UMN

T H E

I

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Meet the Staff <<

CAMPUS MANAGER Alexandra Adams

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

ADVERTISING MANAGERS Joshua Auerbach

OWNER Atish Doshi

WRITERS Alexandra Adams, Megan Felz Cora Neisen, David Zirinsky Mathew Kennedy, Aron Wolde

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Mathew Kennedy PROMOTIONS MANAGER It could be you!

OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390.1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900

DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking.

QUESTIONS info@theblacksheeponline.com

This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication.

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Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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WORD,MAN

GUESS THE MASCOT

ERGONAMIC To have a name that fits the spelling, rather than having a spelling that fits the name.

“Klohee ‘s ergonamic first name made it difficult for her professors to take her seriously in class—her parents must have been idiots.”

TWEET US @BLACKSHEEP_UMN • FIRST RIGHT ANSWER WINS A PRIZE! LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: LOUISVILLE CARDINALS

HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW

YOUR TATTOOS?

DO YOU KNOW WHICH CELEBRITY HAS THIS TATTOO? TWEET US @BLACKSHEEP_UMN. FIRST RIGHT ANSWER WINS A PRIZE!

STACHE SLUETH CAN YOU IDENTIFY THE MYSTERIOUS MAN WITH THE SWEET ‘STACHE? TWEET US @BLACKSHEEP_UMN FIRST RIGHT ANSWER WINS A PRIZE!

LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: MAHATMA GANDHI

LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: JOHNNY DEPP

What Summer Internship Is Best For You?

the quiz

Mathew Kennedy wrote this

1) How did you spend the majority of this school year? a. Doing my homework in Walter, like a good person. b. Setting up the bros with the ladies. c. Puking in front of the Goldy Gopher statue and waiting for someone else to clean it up.

there. You got this no matter what. b. Find her on Twitter and find out what she thinks about the weather. All of that snow we had is always a good thing to talk about. c. Analyze the situation in every way possible.

2) You find $100 bill on the ground.

You… a. Use it to buy a snow shovel to prepare for the upcoming 10-month winter. b. Use it for technology that will help further your education (*cough* nerd *cough*). c. Use it to buy a nice carton of eggs or bag of weed.

3) There’s a member of the opposite sex across the room at Blarney. They are eyeing you. You… a. Down another drink and walk over

answer key:

4) Do you smoke weed? a. Depends on the situation. If it’s after a big Gopher victory or before a test, or any other time, maybe… b. Yeah, you trying to match? c. No, I drink beer from the land of the sky-blue waters.

5) There’s a big game in Minneapolis.

Where do you prefer to be? a. With anyone who knows anything about the sport. So, probably a bro that I can sit with, drink a beer, and complain about the Twins’ pitching staff. b. Courtside. That’s how hard I go.

c. Next to her <3 6) Have you ever committed a crime when enrolled at UMN? a. Yes, but it was during the riots, so it’s chill. b. Yes, you wanna hear the stories? c. Nope.

7) When you hear the word “sheriff” what do you think of? a. Someone to run from. b. Peyton Manning c. Someone who follows the CA around on weekend nights, enforcing write-ups for the three beers in the room.

8) What are you hoping to get out of this summer? a. Ladies b. Education and experience c. A clean record. I’m trying to get into Carlson.

8-12 Points – Fraternity Pledge: The story of your summer just turned into 12 Years a Pledge. You get to help your “friends” out, but you also will have to do a lot of dirty work. Whether it’s cleaning the SAE lions or inviting people to the Lodge, you will get to work with every fraternity in order to make their summer the best for them. For you, maybe not so fun, but hey, maybe now you’ll get on the list!

13-19 Points – Jerry Kill’s Personal Assistant: As America preps for the upcoming football season (about four months, but who’s counting), we all want to do our part to help out Coach Kill and the improving Gopher football team. You seem like a good person, and you get the best job out there. You deserve it.

20-24 Points – Justin Bieber’s Personal Assistant: You are a freeloader in life, and a bad person. This is what you deserve. From picking him up at jail to making up for all his mistakes in life, this is the only punishment that we saw fit for a person who’s as god-damn awful as you. Happy summer, loser.

1) A=2 B=1 C=3 • 2) A=1 B=2 C=3 • 3) A=3 B=1 C=2 • 4) A=1 B=3 C=2 • 5) A=2 B=3 C=1 • 6) A=1 B=3 C=2 • 7) A=3 B=2 C=1 • 8) A=1 B=2 C=3

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Get experience doing something YOU LOVE!

04

APPLY ONLINE TODAY! theblacksheeponline.com

AROUND CAMPUS

THE

TOP

TEN

DINKYTOWN SUMMER JOBS ARON WOLDE WROTE THIS

Between the internships and smoldering heat, your three months of freedom this summer will be filled with you working long hours for short paychecks. But buck up pal, you’ll be doing this in the warm bosom of Dinkytown.

10.) Bartender: People think serving drinks and popping beers is really cool. In reality it bites. Carlson kids will be asking you if you know who their fathers are when asked to see some I.D, stepping in puke is an actual problem, and surprise, surprise college students don’t tip.

HOW CAMPUS WILL BE

DIFFERENT IN THE FALL CORA NEISEN WROTE THIS With every new academic year comes a new crop of freshmen, a new batch of mediocre players for a mediocre football team, and a new handful of CLA seniors who are still convinced that they can make a life for themselves double-majoring in medieval studies and Hebrew. While a lot of things are the same old, same old, there are several new and exciting things to look forward to this coming fall…

Completed Light Rail: The Big Papa of all changes is the completed light rail. The METRO Green Line will finally open on June 14th, 2014 connecting downtown Minneapolis with downtown St. Paul. Although students are slowly getting used to actually stopping when the light says so, someone is for sure goin’ down when that baby flies through campus. The university is well aware that jaywalking is more common on campus than Sperry’s are in frat houses, so to try to mitigate the death toll they’re implementing a 24-7 Marine Corps-run crossing guard. Starting September 2nd, 2014, there will be 10 Marines at every crosswalk to ensure the safety of students. The money has to come from somewhere, so students are urged to carry a roll of toilet paper with them as there will no longer be toilet paper provided in campus bathrooms.

Completed Apartment Complex Construction: Not surprisingly, another change has to do with construction being finished. Construction of the new apartment complexes The Marshall and The Bridges will be finished by next fall, making it the first fall without construction of a new major luxury apartment building since Etnies were cool. Rumor has it that these new apartments are so nice, Prince himself will be moving into a unit in the fall. Friends of the Lake Minnetonka native told sources that the retired icon wants to “kill the game [in Dinkytown]” but his exact unit or building has not been disclosed.

“RUMOR HAS IT THAT THESE NEW APARTMENTS ARE SO NICE, PRINCE HIMSELF WILL BE MOVING INTO A UNIT IN THE FALL.”

9.) Mugger: It’s very likely that you won’t be able to find a job this summer, so instead of freaking out and punching a wall, try punching a pedestrian! Most people go through life never knowing what it’s like to be so scared they barf, and you can be responsible for that. Imagine living off of bloody bills and rummaging through stolen purses, and when you come back in September to STSS to pay for tuition, you can slap all that shit on the table. You’d be such a badass.

8.) Line cook at McDonald’s: Making food in a line is actually a soul-crushing experience. You don’t get a lot of great smells and most foods become unappetizing, but at least the pay is good…ish. You also get to eat for free, which is a hella-big deal in the college community.

7.) Student: All play and no work makes for a summer school student. Summer classes are just like spring and fall classes, except everyone is hot and sexy. All of the buildings are practically empty, so it feels like you’re in a ghost town. Have you ever been in Coffman Hall during the summer? It’s like visiting Chernobyl. Summer loving and havin’ a decent schedule is a plus too. But the downside is tuition is way higher. Like, crazy insane high.

6.) Landscaper: As much as you try to convince yourself that this is an agricultural internship, you know it’s not. You’re mowing the lawn in Scholars Walk and pruning the trees in front of Folwell Hall for food and rent money. Nothing about that is educational.

5.) Lifeguard at the Rec Center: You’re sexy, have a red swimsuit, and know how to swim, kudos to you. Have fun constantly shaving (ladies) and staring at water for five hours as it turns into diluted urine.

4.) Delivery boy for Pizza Hut: Owning a car, understanding maps, and giving lifeless stares are the only real qualifications for this job. Enjoy those tips.

3.) Tour moron: We don’t know the name for the annoying know-it-alls who walk backwards around campus all day. People think the tour matters to future students, but it only really matters to future students’ parents.

2.) R.A: R.As are a very strange group, and personify the old saying: Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Except they don’t have absolute power, just a bigger room, and passive aggression. So keep in mind if you hear too much noise or smell something funny in Comstock or Bailey, you’re obligated to pull out that Minnesota Nice.

1.) Barista: Becoming a barista is practically a rite of passage in CLA. You pour a beverage, get something pierced, and when someone asks how your day was you say something like “beguiling.” Try not to gag on that linguistics degree as you say it or you’ll probably lose that cool barista edge.

Decrease in Crime: Oh, how we envy small town schools that can safely go out on weekends and even study in campus buildings without fear of armed robbery. The university desperately wants the U to be a safe campus like those small schools, so President Kaler recently announced that the university will hire a man named Owlguy, rumored to be Batman’s cousin, to keep the streets of Dinkytown safe at night. Inside sources told The Black Sheep that the university was at first unsure if the funds would be available but were reassured when Owlguy only asked for a small down payment be sent via Western Union to a mall in Nigeria.

Increase in Students Rushing: The fall of 2013 saw record numbers of students going Greek.

Assuming this trend continues, we are expecting even more students to rush next year, increasing the presence of Greek life on campus. This means infinitely more exclusive parties, scantily-clad girls arriving at Sig Ep, and Polo ensembles. Hell, next year there are probably going to be more weeks dedicated just to Greek life. They already have Machy Days and Derby Days and there is speculation that they will also add This-is-Only-for-the-Matching-Shirts Days, Let’s-Just-GetDrunk-and-Take-Pictures Days, or Give-Us-Your-Money-for-“Charity” Days.

Though there are some changes we want to see and some changes we don’t, we can all agree that by the end of summer we will be wanting to come back to school so badly we don’t care if we lose a limb from the damn light rail. After all, there are few things better than returning to school, seeing all the awesome people here, and enjoying the days when you are young, wild, free, and at the best university around.

05

AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

ON THE STREETS WHAT FICTIONAL FINAL WOULD YOU MOST EASILY GET A 100% ON? Kyle

“Golf history.”

Alex

“Shaving techniques.”

Shequan

“Coffin design.”

FOLLOW US ON TWITTER @BLACKSHEEP_UMN

SIX EXCUSES WHY

YOU’RE LATE TO YOUR FINAL AT UMN MEGAN FELZ WROTE THIS The end of the semester is a stressful time filled with all-nighters, excessive drinking, binging on Netflix and the Internet, while intravenously injecting caffeine into your body. With so much going on, sleep hours get out of whack, you start to forget what day of the week it is, and then before you know it, it’s five minutes before your final and you’ve just rolled out of bed. Obviously, there are logical explanations for your tardiness, and The Black Sheep is here to offer you some suggestions to explain your lack of punctuality to your professor.

You got stopped in the Mall to talk about religion: We’ve all been there.

You lock eyes with the suspender-wearing, wrinkly, old man standing in front of Walter Library with a stack of Bibles, and just like with your addiction to cocaine and gummy bears, there’s no escape. Honestly, you don’t need a Bible, you probably did something last night that would earn you a good smiting, and you’ve got your final to get to. But your conscious got the best of you and you decided to engage the man in conversation about lord knows what. And his spiel about the New Testament proved to be a testament to your patience and potentially hung over

state. At least when you’re explaining this to your professor, you can offer piety in exchange for some extra time.

You got caught behind Goldy’s Segway: Segways are pretty cool, and decently practical if you just had a hip replacement or are in a group of tourists cruisin’ across the Stone Arch Bridge; otherwise, they’re as slow as Internet Explorer. You began your trek to your final going down University Ave. and just your luck, Goldy managed to roll up right in front of you.

You tried to get around him, but his head that’s conveniently the size of Jupiter’s 34th moon, significantly impaired your vision, and you were stuck - just like that time you ate 47 mozzarella sticks and were constipated for a week.

You still don’t know the Connector routes, and missed your stop: Public transportation is wicked hard, and that one day when your Welcome Week Leaders taught you how to ride the bus didn’t quite sink in. Alas, you find you have missed your stop and are on course for Saint Paul, where instead of seeing your statistics final, you just stepped in a pile of cow poop. To say your final grade is in

“deep shit” would be an understatement.

When you arrive late, don’t be afraid to break down into tears and hyperventilate, making the situation all types of uncomfortable. The least your professor will be able to do is a pat on the back and an extra ten minutes.

The penis that your friend drew on your face at Blarney’s last night wouldn’t come off: Everyone said that it would be an awesome idea to go out the night before your final, and for the most part they were right. You remember singing a bitchin’ rendition of “Sweet Caroline” and managed to beat your personal high score in the decibel of your postbeer burp. But, all that booze made you pass out pretty early and your friends conveniently had a Sharpie on hand and decided to draw a massive penis on your face. You spent all morning trying to get it off, because your Management1001 professor at Carlson will be less than pleased when he sees that your formal business attire is accompanied by a poorly-drawn phallic symbol.

You got roped into a sporadic 9a.m. riot: Some students were getting nostal-

gic and decided to go for the 2014-UMNRiot hat trick just as you were walking through Dinkytown. You obviously couldn’t miss taking another selfie with a police officer. And, if you’re really willing to commit to this one, bonus points for macing yourself and blindly walking into your final, and tripping over a desk. Your professor will probably take pity on you and give you an extension.

still has a mixture of eggnog and vomit on it. You can’t ride your bike anymore, there’s a buttload of ice lurking beneath your feet, and morale is low because you finally thought you had escaped the clutches of the Minnesota winter. Getting to your final has just been demoted on the priority list, right below putting on your boots and screaming profanities at inanimate objects.

You got snowed in: Leave it to Minnesota to collude with Mother Nature to grace the lovely U of M campus with a blanket of snow in May. You can’t be blamed for arriving late to your final when you had to dig out your wardrobe from January and pull out your only sweater, which

And with that, we bid you adieu and wish you the best of luck on bullshitting your way through college and beyond. It’s a valuable skill that you will use time and time again. But, seriously, you should think about setting an alarm or twelve, or something.

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TUES: 8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers 8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3 Tequila Shots

Sunday Funday!

Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close

EVERYDAY: Happy Hour 3-6PM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks, 1/2 Price Select Apps

SUNDAY: Service Industry Night!

Show pay-stub from your bar or club and get free cover!

SAT: $3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)

Thursday 5/8

8pm-Close: All-U-Care-2-Drink with a College or Military ID $10 AUC2D Domestic Taps & Well Mixers, $1 O-Bombs $3 UV Vodka

9pm - Close: $3 Coors Light, $3 Long Islands, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am

Karaoke Thursdays! $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 Shots from 10-close.

1/2 Price Bottles of Wine Starting at 5pm Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks, 1/2 Price Select Apps

Military ID Night: Show your military ID for free cover

No Cover! $3 Cruzan Run $3 Budweiser Products, $3 Cruzan Rum and Svedka $6 Dozen Wings (7pm-Midnight)

8pm - Close: $3 Mich. Golden Light Pints $3 Rails, Live Music 10pm Close, $3 Grape Apes, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm Close

Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)

Saturday 5/10

Win Prizes All Night!

8pm-Close: $4 Bacardi $2 Mini Bombs (Jäger, Cherry & Orange)

9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)

Sunday 5/11

The Bar Grid

Call 612.379.6082 to schedule an appointment or visit TheRailApts.com

Open ONLY DURING Twins Games & Special Events $3 Wells and Domestic Taps $4 Calls, Micro/Import Taps

10am - 2pm: $5 Stack of Pancakes, $4 Bloody Mary’s Screwdrivers 6pm - 11pm: All burgers $6.99, 8 - 11pm: Buy any app or dessert get a free pitcher of domestic or lite beer 8-close: $3 Domestic Bottles and $2.50 Rail Drinks

Sunday Funday!

Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close

$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight | Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-1AM, $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps

Service Industry Night!

Show pay-stub from your bar or club and get free cover!

No Cover! Inventory Reduction Sunday (IRS) $3 Specials that change every Sunday from 7pm-Close

8pm - Close: $3 Coors Mugs, $5 Jameson Gingers, All Day Pizza for Pennies!

Buy any large pizza and get the 2nd pizza for $0.99

Flippin' Drinks!

Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 9pm - Close

$2 Sloppy Jacks All Day Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks, 1/2 Price Select Apps

College ID Night!

Free cover with any College ID - old or new!

NO COVER! Happy Hour Drinks: 3:30pm-Close $3 Domestic Bottles, $3 Rail Drinks, $4 Specialty Bottles, $4 Call Drinks, $5 Top Shelf Drinks $0.35 Wings 8pm-11pm (Dine in only)

8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers 8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3 Tequila Shots

Birthday Karaoke Night!

Taco Tuesdays 5pm-10pm Root City Trio at 9:30pm Happy Hour 3-6PM, 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks, 1/2 Price Select Apps

Ladies Night!

Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!

No Cover! Karaoke: 9pmClose, Beer Pong, $3 Budweiser Products and Well Drinks, $3 Heineken, Heineken Light, Amstel Light & Dos Equis Bottles 7pm-midnight, $5 Mini Burger Platter (7pm-11pm)

$2 Half Pound Burgers 5-10pm Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks, 1/2 Price Select Apps

Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the first time compete for $200!

Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to all Ladies

No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps $3 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain $5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight

Mason Jar Monday (8pm-Close)

Tuesday 5/13

$3 Bud & Bud Light Taps $3 Double UV Vodka & Rails $5 Bud & Bud Light Pitchers $10 Bud or Bud Light Towers

$3 U-Call It’s Rails, Calls and Every Beer on Tap

Wednesday 5/14

Monday 5/12

Friday 5/9

Win Prizes All Night!

8pm-Close: $4 Three Olives Vodka, $5 Three Olives Flavored Long Islands, $2 Mini Bombs (Jäger, Cherry & Orange)

8pm-Close: $0.25 Wings with College or Military ID, or purchase of a $8 AUCD wristband. ($0.50 without) $8 AUC2D Miller Lite Tap, Wells, Bacardi Oakheart, $1.50 Miller High Life “Tall Boys”

8pm - close: $5 for one pound of boneless wings, $2 for 1’s

Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf)

$3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs, $3 Long Island Pints

Wings N Things $0.39 Wings: 4pm - 10pm 2-4-1 Drinks (9-Close)

DRINKING GAME WALKING HOME FROM YOUR LAST FINAL David Zirinsky wrote this

We’re all just as excited about leaving our last final as we were the day dropped that really hard math class. But the best part about walking back from your last final is the party starts right there and then! Drinking deep from sweet lady liquor is such a better way of relieving stress than talking about your feelings to some random psychology major. So get ready to get smashed as you see all the fantastic sights and sounds after being cooped up for weeks studying for finals in the sub-subbasement of Wilson Library.

What You’ll Need: Booze goddammit, preferably in a water bottle.

Number of Players: At least one, just remember two’s company and three’s a party.

Level of Intoxication: You choose, just don’t stay sober.

How to Play: As you walk back from your last final look for these things. When you see them-- you guessed it-- drink! By the time you get home your roommate will wonder why he’s still studying for finals when there is so much good (liquor) this world has to offer.

Drink Once When: -You pass the new Goldy statue. Take a sip, and consider this your retribution. The statue’s your tuition money at work, and it’s better than taking a selfie with it.

-You see a security monitor anywhere but your dorm. The key is to make sure they know that you’re drinking, because they have no authority of any sort. Literally, they can’t do anything! Sip away!

- You see a campus tour. Drink enough to make sure your slurred speech lets potential freshmen know that we party hard, and that they’ll never be able to handle Dinkyotwn, no matter what they do.

-Any Greek house you run into that’s not on frat row. We only exclude frat row to spare your liver

and your life.

-You see some form of construction around campus. They’re always building something getting put up, from Northrop to what seemed like the never-ending light rail construction.

-You see one of your professors hurrying across campus. They’re not as drunk as you are!

Drink Twice When: -You see some sort of religious fanatic. They’re usually hanging around Coffman. Hold up your water bottle and casually mention that while Jesus turned water into wine, you one-upped him by making water whiskey.

-You see some sort of scam being marketed as a job at Coffman, the scammier the better.

-You see someone from a bullshit class that did not have a final. Hey, they could be potential drinking buddies!

-You see anyone you know. Make sure that they know you’re drinking, because what good is intoxication if you’re not letting others know of its glory?

-Someone playing an instrument on the Washington Avenue Bridge. They’re cool but sipping a drink means that you “didn’t see them.” Great way of getting out of a tip.

-The light rail that is in place but not working yet. Yes, it’ll be annoying and you’ll need to drink to cope with the problem.

Finish Your Drink When: -You can see any off-campus business, preferably some overpriced place in Dinkytown.

The Game Ends When: You see anyone from SuperBlock, because why are you going in that direction? Turn around! Run!

m o c . e n i l n O p e e h S k c a l B e G GAMES Th IN K IN R D | PECIALS | BAR S ARTICLES

Are You SMARTER

THAN?

1) Literature: This Harper Lee classic won the 1961 Pulitzer Prize for Fiction.

2) Food: Chanterelle and Porcini are types of this produce.

3) Geography: Europe’s microstate Andorra is sandwiched between the borders of two countries. Name one.

4) Music: What 80s rap group struck antiestablishment gold with hits like, “Straight Outta Compton” and “F*** the Police”?

5) Biology: The 21 variations of these organic compounds found in the human body allow it to produce thousands of different proteins.

BRIAN GOLDBERG, ENGLISH PROFESSOR

DRINKING GAME You Can’t Take it With You Finals are over. Summer is here. Why is it, then, that you’re anxious? Maybe it’s because nothing is packed up and your parents will be here tomorrow. They’re not going to let you take that half a handle, quarter of a fifth, and half a case of beer in the car with you, so, uh…here goes nothin’.

What You’ll Need: Whatever beer, wine, and liquor you have laying around. Also, your cleaning supplies. You have those, right?

Number of Players: However many roommates you have.

Level of Intoxication: You’ll be too nauseous to get lightheaded from the cleaning supplies.

How to Play: -Make a list of all the rooms in your apartment.

-Divide each of these rooms into a sub-list: Floor, walls and ceiling, furniture, appliances and fixtures.

-Draw names. First person drawn gets to choose which room he begins in, etc.

-In each room, each participant is required to clean the entire room.

-Each time he finishes a sub-segment of the room (floor, furniture, etc.) he may assign a 10-second beer chug or a 5-second wine rip to one of the other participants.

-When a participant clears a room, he can assign a shot to another participant.

-When a room is cleaned, move onto the next room.

-If a participant tops off a garbage bag, he must drop off said garbage bag.

-A participant who finishes cleaning a sub-segment of a room may ask the other participants if it is adequately clean. If asked, participants must be honest about the cleanliness of a room.

-If a participant cleans a sub-segment of a room and doesn’t ask for a cleanliness check, then assigns drinks and a room is later dubbed not properly cleaned, the person assigned to that room must match the drinks he assigned.

The Game Ends When: Your apartment is clean…enough to get most of your security deposit back.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

6) Technology: What tech giant recently bought Oculus VR for $2 billion?

7) Television: What sitcom classic ends with the main character telling a stranger, “Sorry, we’re closed”?

8) Fashion: What hairstyle is defined as a cut with short layers on top with the back left long?

9) Art: Water Lilies is a series of about 250 oil paintings by what French impressionist?

10) Sports: What Hall of Fame-elect was famously known as “The Big Hurt”?

Brian’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) To Kill a Mockingbird 2) Mushroom 3) Spain 4) Public Enemy 5) Carbon Strains 6) Google 7) Cheers 8) Mullet 9) Monet 10) Frank Thomas

1) To Kill a Mockingbird 2) Mushroom 3) France or Spain 4) N.W.A. 5) Amino acids 6) Facebook 7) Cheers 8) Mullet 9) Claude Monet 10) Frank Thomas

Brian’s Score: 7 out of 10

RECIPE for DISASTER Oh Shit, You’re Going to be Late, Better Grab a Banana Dude, you said you were going to get up at like, 7a.m. to study for that finance final. You still had to study chapter 8! Well, there’s no time for that now. Just grab a banana, you need something in your stomach.

What You’ll Need: A banana. Shut up, they’re delicious.

Cook Time: 0 minutes.

Fatty Factor: Bananas have like, 200 good calories, dude.

Let’s Get Baked: - Get out of bed and put on some pants. A shirt? Do you have time for a shirt? Okay, you better put on a shirt.

- Grab a banana from your kitchen. Who cares if it’s your roommate’s banana?

-Start speed walking to class. The best part of bananas? You can eat them while you speed walk.

-Top Tip: Did you know that if you open a banana from the bottom, those gross stringy bits don’t get all over your banana?

-Eat your banana. You can do it!

-Not that fast, dude, you might choke.

-Haha, yeah, they do kinda look like dicks.

Phew, you made it just in time. Don’t throw the peel away, leave it in a doorway, maybe you’ll end up tripping that kid who always asked questions just as the bell rang.

NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Seven Summer Action Flicks...

...and How to Get Her to See Them. by: Brendan

Summer’s staring us in the face, and with it comes action movie seasons. Still, with the unpaid internship and the part-time job, most of your free time is spent with your ladyfriend, and she doesn’t care nearly as much as you do about things that go boom.

That doesn’t mean you have to wait for these flicks to be made readily available online—small screens and grainy resolutions are no laughing matter. Use the arguments below, and you’ll be able to spend this summer exactly how you planned to spend it: In a dark, cold room talking to no one.

X-Men: Days of Future Past

Godzilla Starring: Bryan Cranston, Elizabeth Olsen, Ken Watanabe Release Date: May 16th Plot Summary: A big lizard shows up and decides it’s going to seriously wreck some shit.

How to Get Her There: “You know I love your sense of activism, babe.

And, like, when you were protesting the proliferation of nuclear power last semester—well, Godzilla is kind of like that! It’s basically about how we shouldn’t have nukes, and you agree with that, right? And to best convey your message, you need to connect to your audience, right? What better way to do that than to do it in an action movie? Exactly, we’ll check it out.”

edge of tomorrow Starring: Tom Cruise, Emily Blunt, Bill Paxton Release Date: June 6th Plot Summary: A soldier sent on a suicide mission dies, then wakes up alive to do the same thing all over again each day.

How to Get Her There: “Baby, you love The Devil Wears Prada, right? Well, this has the same catty English lady in it! God, she came down so hard on Anne Hathaway’s outfits, right babe?

Well, can you imagine what she’ll have to say about a bunch of metal exosuits and drab gray? That look was so WWII, right?”

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Transformers: Age of Extinction Starring: Kelsey Grammer, Mark Wahlberg, Peter Cullen, Stanley Tucci Release Date: June 27th Plot Summary: There’s robots and punching and humans and more punching and then some things explode.

How to Get Her There: “Didn’t you say that Thomas kid you’re nannying for a few days a week is, like, really big into Transformers? Yeah, I mean, trust me, all little boys are also little shits—that is, until you get on their good side. Do you have any idea how much the little man will love you if you know who Optimus Prime is? Yeah, the big red semi-truck.

Well, there’s more to him that that, my sweet. Like, did you know he’s from Cyberton? No, I’m with you, who cares about explosions? Think of it as like, summer homework.”

Jupiter Ascending Starring: Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum Release Date: July 18th Plot Summary: A princess destined for greatness but working as a maid is visited by a genetically modified military man.

How to Get Her There: “I mean, this is basically a Disney movie with real actors, and you’re always thinking out loud about which one of those gals you like best. One week it’s Jasmine and the next it’s Belle. Well, how about Jupiter? A disposed queen is a plot device fit for the mouse ears. Throw in a really sexy Channing Tatum as an anthropomorphized wolf thing, and we’re basically waiting for the musical break that sees Jupiter learn something about herself through song.”

Starring: Halle Berry, Hugh Jackman, Ian McKellen, James McAvoy, Jennifer Lawrence, Patrick Stewart, Michael Fassbender, Peter Dinklage Release Date: May 23rd Plot Summary: The X-Men battle through time against their own extinction in a world terrified of them.

How to Get Her There: “I know you don’t really care about the XMen, darlin’, but name someone appearing in this movie that you don’t like. J-Law is a given, I remember you crying when she won her Oscar. You love little Tyrion, and he’s in this, and I saw a picture of your dorm room freshman year—you had a shirtless Fassbender picture, don’t even try to hide it!”

Starring: Andy Serkis, Gary Oldman, Judy Greer, Keri Russell Release Date: July 11th Plot Summary: A growing band of apes lead by Caesar is threatened by a group of humans ten years after a deadly virus is unleashed.

How to Get Her There: “I know James Franco’s not in this one, honey, and I’m sorry, but this one still has a lot going for it. Think of it as a 2-hour anthropology class you can’t take for any credit. You get to see a new civilization rise, another fall, and how the two interact with one another as these events happen. So, it’s like those documentaries you always watch on Netflix, but with CGI monkeys. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”

Guardians of the Galaxy Starring: Chris Pratt, Bradley Cooper, Zoe Saldana, Vin Diesel Release Date: August 1st Plot Summary: An adventurer, some aliens and a cursing raccoon traverse the galaxy trying to put a stop to an evil guy’s actions.

How to Get Her There: “You know how I always say you so crazy? Well, this movie will be perfect for you, then. I mean, it really is crazy! There’s a tree guy who only says one word over and over again, but bae, get this…there’s a crazy raccoon voiced

by Bradley Cooper and he fires guns and I promise you it’ll be so funny. You have a great sense of humor, too, so I totally think you’ll get this. Ah, I’m so lucky to be with you, babe, let’s go watch a raccoon fire some guns.”

the madlib

Explaining to Your Parents Why You’ll be Spending Next Year at Community College

Listen Dad, I swear this isn’t my fault!

I mean, first off, Professor __1__ had it in for me since day one. He assigned everyone in the class __2__ __3__page papers. I mean, isn’t that just ridiculous? Then, I asked him if he could reschedule one of my tests for me because I wanted to get out of __4__ a day early for spring break, you know, beat the crowds down to __5__.

The asshole wouldn’t let me! I skipped out on the test and that was like, __6__% of our grade. So yeah, that one’s on him.

Then, I mean, you know what I was going through with __7__. It was a miserable break-up. I spent days indoors just __8__ and drinking __9__ in a dark room. I must have listened to __10__ on repeat, like, 600 times. Then I thought it’d be a good idea to hop a quick rebound fling and that’s when I met __11__ at __12__ and…I mean, I feel real uncomfortable telling this to you, Dad, but let’s just say butt stuff got involved. How am I supposed to focus when I’m haunted by dreams of someone shoving a __13__ in my butt? Huh? And work! What about work!? I mean, sure, I never actually got a job, but I applied lots of places! I applied at the __14__, I applied at __15__, I applied at __16__. All of them said I didn’t have enough experience. So, I mean, you never made me get a job before, so I feel like that one’s kind of on you.

Anyway, I guess this is a learning experience for the both of us, huh? I guess failure is an option.

1) Mean professor you’ve had 2) Number 3) Another number 4) Your college town 5) Spring break destination 6) Percentage 7) Ex’s name 8) Verb 9) Booze 10) Sad album or song 11) Person’s name 12) Campus location 13) Uncomfortable object 14) Campus building 15) Campus bar 16) Chain store

THE

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