MINNY FALL ISSUE 1 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

from FREE hom ! Like e be all t fore he b you ooze hea you ded sto to c le am pus ...

FALL 2015

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

ISSUE 1

TOP 10: USEFUL WELCOME WEEK ACTIVITIES A MESSAGE FROM THE PRESIDENT QUIZ: WHICH HORRIBLE UMN PUN ARE YOU?

INSIDE

, K C A B E M O C L E W ! N O I T A N R E H P O G

MEET the STAFF CHIEF CAMPUS EDITOR Lily Noonan ADVERTISING MANAGER Ben Vaske WRITERS Danylo Loutchko Olivia Heusinkveld Tom Wyatt-Yerka Malaz Ebrahim Garrett Palensky Jack Barrett GUERRILLA MARKETING MANAGER Ryan Rizzio Asa Gladstein SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Lauren Arant

ONLINE AMBASSADORS Brooke Herbert Kathryn Chlystek CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

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DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

WHAT MOVIE IS THIS SCENE FROM?

The image below depicts an iconic scene from an iconic movie. What movie is it? If you think you know the answer, email Page3@theblacksheeponline.com . If you’re right, we’ll mail you a prize!

CORKSCREWED An occurrence in which the wine cork breaks in the neck of the wine bottle.

“After it broke, I can’t get the cork to go in the bottle or come out. I’m totally corkscrewed.”

WHICH 1-HIT WONDER IS THIS? Hey, look, it’s that guy who sang that song! What’s his name? Well, we know, do you? If you know the name of the 1-hit wonder from the 2000s pictured below, email us the correct answer at Page3@theblacksheeponline.com . If you’re right, maybe we’ll send you a CD we have laying around our office.

VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS:

2 TRUTHS AND A LIE Can you spot the lie these video game icons are telling you? Think you know the answer, email Page3@theblacksheeponline.com with your answer. We’ll send you that Duck Hunt dog’s head in a box.

I’ve also been known as “Jumpman” and “Mr. Video.” Me and Princess Peach have never kissed in a video game. I guest refereed in Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!

@BLACKSHEEP_UMN

PARTY PICS

TWEET US YOUR #PARTYPICS!

or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS

WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR A 4.0? TYLER FINKEN

“I’m happy with my B+ average.”

BEN ESTES

“Sexy stuff…and study.”

JARED SINKULA

“Literally nothing. It’s too late for me.”

HOW YOU DOING?

THE TOP TEN

USEFUL WELCOME WEEK ACTIVITIES Despite the U’s eﬀorts, there’ve been many recent criticisms of Welcome Week, claiming that it doesn’t provide useful skills, resources, or information that freshmen need to get through their first year of college successfully. This year, however, the overpaid bureaucratic committee that is in charge of Welcome Week has unveiled ten new activities that speak to this complaint.

MESSAGE FROM THE PRESIDENT-- A BLOG BY ERIC KALER

SEPTEMBER 4, 2015: MID BONG-RIP, I REALIZED SCHOOL’S ABOUT TO START Tom Wyatt-Yerka wrote this The birds were chirping just outside my window this afternoon as I loaded up my new “water pipe” with chilled Fiji water, some artisanal ice cubes, and a handful of frozen strawberries grown on the St. Paul campus for a little flavor. I smoked down the first bowl and had another packed quicker than a hipster can say “kombucha,” but something just wasn’t feeling right. However, like a human research scandal, I buried the feeling down deep where no psychiatrist could find it. I was in the middle of the next rip when the feeling resurfaced and suddenly, it hit me: school’s about to start. I began to quake with terror as I cleared that bad boy and bolted up from my couch. Students are about to move back to campus, professors are about to start teaching, and I’m going to have to go back to work! I should’ve spent at least part of the summer preparing for this inevitable fact, but as I looked around my living room, I realized that I spent it toking up, playing Super Smash Bros with the homies, and watching reruns of Flight of the Conchords instead. Now, before we get into it, let me explain how I got to this point. After waking up this morning I made myself a nice big bowl of Cap’n Crunch, poured a steaming cup o’Joe, and sat down to watch myself on WCCO. I’ve been having a rough couple of weeks. I’ve had to deal with the whole Norwood Teague harassment thing, I renewed coach Kill’s multi-million dollar contract, and to cap it off, my staff tricked me into visiting our barren tundra of a satellite campus in Crookston—which I completely forgot existed, by the way. I knew that I deserved something to lighten my spirits, and nothing charges my batteries quite like picking up a new piece of glass to add to my collection. So, I threw on my favorite matching UMN track suit along with some sick white New Balance sneakers and headed to The Hideaway in Dinky to get my day started. I strutted into the friendly neighborhood smoke shop and began to peruse the wares when suddenly, a shiny, new Minnesota Legit bong “water pipe” caught my eye from the corner of the store, so I vaulted over the counter and snatched it up myself (I can get away with that because I’m the Prez). After swiping my maroon and gold platinum MasterCard and racking up the rewards points on my Hideaway loyalty card, the counter girl asked if I wanted my new purchase wrapped. Confidently, I responded “Nah, I’m just gonna fire it up when I get home anyway.” I dropped the mic and walked out of the store. Fast-forward through a quick stop at Roy Wilkins to pick up some dank nugs from my favorite CLA student and a cruise back to the Kaler Riverside Estate and that brings us here: to me desperately trying to Facetime my assistant as sweat rolls down my beard. No answer, so I dug through the couch until I found my summer to-do list: Fuck Bitches- Check. Get Money- Check. Devise a Plan to Implement New Policies Adopted By Board of Regents- Not even close. So, I got to work crossing one item off of my list: starting a blog which I will use to inform you, students and faculty, of what I’m up to throughout the year. With that out of the way, I think I’m going to go take a nap or maybe eat a whole Mesa pizza...follow me @PrezzzKalerYo to see what I’m up to between posts. Either way, welcome back to campus. Have fun, stay safe, and remember, it’s a great day to be a Gopher. Kaler out!

10.) Alcohol Tolerance Measurement: In this activity, Welcome Week Leaders (with paramedics standing by), lead their group through a “Let’s Find Your Alcohol Tolerance” game, where students take shots until they vomit. The next day, they are given Sprite, sunglasses, and ibuprofen for their hangover, as well as a scorecard to show how far they got so they can monitor their alcohol consumption or work towards their goal tolerance level. Mainly, though, it’s free booze. 9.) Textbook Pirating for Beginners: In the Coffman Theater, the Welcome Week Leaders share a variety of websites where students can download textbooks for free as PDFs rather than pay hundreds of dollars for them at the bookstore. The overarching justification of this event is “they can’t arrest all of us.” 8.) Overview of Events With Free Food: This is aimed at freshmen who don’t mind crashing random events for the sole purpose of mooching. If they’re able to pass off as international students, this will get them into even more gatherings with even more free food (everyone knows the international student groups eat the best). Ironically, there is no free food at this seminar. 7.) Speed Walking Races: These events are timed races from one destination of campus to another, so that freshmen can gauge their maximum procrastination time before going to class. The championship race is across the Washington Avenue Bridge, the most traversed and dilapidated piece of infrastructure on campus. Speed-walkers must also try to dodge overly-aggressive bikers. 6.) Small Talk Facilitation: This event aims to strengthen a freshman’s ability to talk about meaningless crap with a stranger for an extended period of time without seeming awkward. It’s granted that it’s nearly impossible to make freshmen seem not weird or awkward, but the Welcome Week Leaders make a valiant effort. 5.) Secrets to Getting Good Grades in College: This informational seminar includes tips such as “study” and “do your homework” and “go to class” and “for god’s sake don’t get your parents to complain to your professor about your bad grades, you’re a fucking adult.” 4.) Major Shaming Workshop: This activity is aimed at freshmen in CLA. Welcome Week Leaders will follow prompts to shame freshmen for choosing an impractical major. Expect to hear questions like “What do you plan to do with that?”, “What’s the job market like for that these days?” and “What are you thinking!? You’re throwing your life away!” Tears may ensue. 3.) Ways to Assert Dominance Over Roommates: These tips include such bits of wisdom as “be completely naked at random times during the day to throw them off ” and “urinate on their side of the room to claim it as your territory.” If these fail, you can wrestle them into submission and flip over their desk. When they start crying, you know you have asserted dominance correctly. 2.) Minnesota Nice Seminar: This is aimed at out-of-state students. It outlines the actions needed to fully embrace the Minnesota Nice attitude, or, more accurately, the Minnesota EmotionallyRepressed and Passive-Aggressive attitude. Students learn how to leave passive-aggressive PostIts notes and how to smile a lot because being disliked is equal to complete exile. 1.) “Peaking in High School” Seminar: This helps freshmen realize that no one wants to hear about what they did in high school. No one cares that they learned Esperanto as their foreign language. Or that they wore an ice cream bucket crown for a week and called it being Homecoming King. Or that they volunteered every week to hand out Fruit Roll-Ups to homeless people. And although that last one is admittedly pretty neat, everyone will assume they only did it so it would look good in a college essay.

Danylo Loutchko wrote this

BEER ME!

STUDENT UNSURE IF CHECK FROM PARENTS IS FOR BEER OR TUITION Jack Barrett wrote this

It was a brisk fall day at the U when Donny Stone received a check in the mail, quite obviously from his parents’ home address in Edina. Born into a wealthy family of brokers, his parents took care of all of his finances while he partied his way through the “forgettable” years of college. But some difficult challenges lie ahead for Donny Stone. This year he has to actually decide a major, as well as actually show up to his Ego Building Program in Carlson. Most importantly, this is the year Donny is responsible for his own personal finances, meaning this year his parents will give him tuition, but won’t pay it online. This level of responsibility has been seen throughout the U as crippling to the upper 1% of the student population. Stone, however, is unaware that he now must go out to his mailbox and get the check to the U from his parents himself. When the check arrived in his mailbox, Stone was confused with this generous amount of dough from his parents. After he spent a long time trying to remember why his parents would actually send him something in an envelope, he came to the conclusion that the bluish-gray check sent to him by his parents was “free money” that would help fund his Four Loko inventory. With the considerable amount of cash, Stone has a foolproof plan to get more by simply telling his parents that the check was lost in the mail, forgetting entirely that the check is actually for his rent and tuition, and not for cheap beer and pizza. According to Stone, he claims that he is honored in his social circle as “DaBeerShlammer,” a reputation he plans to carry on to his professional life. “I might even put it on my resume,” Stone says, “because those future employer bros will think that’s way cooler than something lame…like a GPA.” Stone admits that he’s no mathematician, but when it came to money and booze, Stone claims he, “turns into Rain Man” and thus resolved his lacking beer and pizza crisis with a little bit of budgeting. After a few days, Stone reported that he did indeed spend his money entirely on Keystone Light and a small amount of Hamm’s. In a tragic turn of events, however, Stone received a complaint from his landlord about a late rent fee. His confusion was equally expressed by his roommates and peers. “We were always under impression that college was time for independence and freedom that was completely paid for by our parents. This gray area of supposed ‘personal finance’ is really destroying our lives, we just don’t really know where the money should go,” says friend and roommate of Stone, whose name will not be revealed during this difficult time. When poor “BeerSchlammer” Stone spent all that money on beer, his rich parents did not send him another as he had planned. Stone is allegedly “shocked and distraught” and is now no longer available for comment. Now Stone is stuck working a part-time job, much to his dismay, to make rent and his tuition. “If only I had just been born slightly more privileged none of this would have happened,” Stone concluded.

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

AREA APARTMENT MONTHLY RENT DROPPED TO JUST $800 Malaz Ebrahim wrote this A new apartment building located in the heart of Dinkytown just significantly lowered its rent. Located between 5th Street and 15th Avenue, “The Celsius” is the newest apartment complex near the U of M. At just $800 a month plus utilities, renters can get a shared bedroom in what students are referring to as “the finest housing in town.” The apartment’s designer and leasing executive, Preston Roland, was found outside of Espresso Royale handing out stadium cups that read “200 Degrees but Don’t Call Us Mr. Fahrenheit.” “[The Celsius] is the perfect location for college students,” Roland told The Black Sheep. “Our buildings are extremely modern. Inside the lobby alone we have an eclectic collection of contemporary art.” Roland is hoping that the free stadium cups will help recruit students to sign, “No other apartment does this,” he said as he handed one to a passerby. The apartment also utilizes a theme of brightly colored walls and appliances very similar to what one would see in a Dr. Seuss book, which is exactly what Roland was going for. “Theodor Seuss Geisel is my idol,” he said with awe. “You’ll notice upon entering the lobby that every wall is a different color. I want to make sure The Celsius stands out to students, but not to the point where they feel overwhelmed.” To add to the “college” atmosphere, the top-100 pop songs of the year are played throughout the entire building. “I’m not a student but I know what the hits are,” Preston said with a chuckle. “Sign with us and you’ll always hear your favorite tunes.” He told The Black Sheep that he now knows all the lyrics to “Cheerleader” and “Can’t Feel My Face.” “My main goal is to make The Celsius a safe and comfortable environment,” Roland said as he handed another passerby a cup. “This is why on top of our great price, we also offer 24/7 tanning beds, a frozen yogurt bar, and ‘Themed Thursdays’.”

“Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity, to seize everything you ever wanted, in one moment, would you capture it, or just let it slip? That’s how we feel about housing with The Celsius,” Clark said. Varin and his 3 roommates live in a 2-bedroom unit on the 4th floor of The Celsius. Another 3rd year and full-time student, Alex Webb, told The Black Sheep that he doesn’t understand how anyone could deny such a “reasonable” and “affordable” price. “I only have to work 60 hours a week to afford living here, it’s awesome.” Webb is currently enrolled in 20 credits, but despite his class load, he said 60 hours of work every week is nothing compared to the 90 he was working to afford his previous apartment. Residents have also exclaimed that low rent isn’t the best part. “It’s fully-furnished!” Leila Elayed, a student who just signed with The Celsius said with excitement. Leila told The Black Sheep that she “can’t even.”

The Black Sheep asked current students what they had to say about The Celsius.

“We also make sure to use very high quality pleather,” Preston added. “No cheap furniture here.”

“When my roommates and I heard about The Celsius’s incredibly low rate, we dropped our old lease immediately,” Clark Varin, a soon-to-be junior exclaimed. Clark, who was planning to pay $925 at a nearby location couldn’t believe his eyes when this news was released.

Initially, the lowered rate was only applicable to shared bedrooms, but Roland was so thrilled about the publicity he was getting that he offered a one-time deal to those who sign within the next month. “I know not many people want their own room, but for those that do, I’ll cut the price and make it possible for just an additional $299 per month,” he said, “you won’t find a better deal.”

1501 University Ave SE

No Cover! $3 Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime & Bud Select $3 Heineken, Amstel Light & Dos Equis $3 Cruzan & Svedka 7pm - Close $6 Dozen Wings 7pm - Midnight

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight - Close

Come in for Dinner! Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go Dancers! Happy Hour: 8am - 2am, La Femme: 8pm - 1am, Dance Annex: 9pm - 2am

$3 Wells and Domestic Bottles

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight - Close

All 6 Bars Are Open!

Happy Hour 7 Days a Week! 3:30pm-7pm $2 - $4 Appetizers, $3 Domestics & Well Drinks, $4 Speciality and Premium, $5 Top Shelf

SUN.

SPECIAL NIGHT

Military ID Night! Show your ID for FREE cover!

Come in for Dinner! 18+ $1 All Rail & Domestic Beer Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Drag Show: 10pm - 1am

Happy Hour 3-7PM Everyday!

Sunday Funday! Brunch served 10am-2pm w/ $3 Drinks from 10am-4pm

Service Industry Night: Show your paystub from your bar/restaurant and get free cover!

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Day! Come experience the 90s in its full glory with 6 bars and 3 live DJs

Inventory Reduction Sundays! No Cover $3 Specials 7pm - Close

MON.

WED: Wings N Things! $0.39 wings: 4 PM - 10 PM Drink Specials from 4-close Play Team Trivia with DJ Steve to Win Bar Prizes and Free Free Drinks

THURS.

WED: Kill the Keg! $5 Bottomless Cups 8pm $3 Miller Lite, MGD, Miller 64 & Highlife, $3 Captains & $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close $5 Pizza 7pm - Midnight

5 PM-9 PM: 1/2 Off Wings or Rib Tip Apps 9 PM -Close: 2 for 1 Rail Drinks Happy Hour: 3PM - 7PM $2.77 any Rail Drinks and Select Taps

Monday Funday!

College ID Night! Show your college ID and get FREE cover!

NO COVER! 2-4-1 Drinks (rail & domes-tic beer) from 9pm to 1am Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Karaoke: 10pm - 2am

Industry Mondays - No Cover! Beer Pong Nightly $0.35 Wings 8pm - 11pm Extended Happy Hour on Drinks Only 7pm - Close

TUES.

TUES: 5 PM-9 PM: $5 Non-Meat Appetitzers 6 PM - Empty: Kill the Keg Happy Hour: 3PM - 7PM $2.77 any Rail Drinks and Select Taps Bargo! Happy Hour: 3PM - 7PM $2.77 any Rail Drinks and Select Taps

Karaoke Thursdays! $3 Rail Drinks and Tier 1 Pints $4 shots

$9 You Call It Rails $12 You Call It Pitchers

Friday After Class (F.A.C.) 2 PM - 6 PM: $1.50 Beers, $2 Rails, and $2.50 Margaritas

Bartender’s Choice! Best deal of the week!

Brunch served 10am-2pm w/ $3 Drinks from 10am-4pm $2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

5 PM-9 PM: $5 Non-Meat Appetitzers 6 PM - Empty: Kill the Keg Happy Hour: 3PM - 7PM $2.77 any Rail Drinks and Select Taps

Birthday Karaoke Night! $3 Tier 1 Mugsm $4 Tier 2 Mugs, $3 Long Island Pints

Ladies Night! Free Cover for Ladies. Man: Wear any Deja Vu or HuStler apparel and get in free!

18+! $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

No Cover! Karaoke: 9pmClose, Beer Pong Nightly $3 Wells, Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime & Bud Select 7pm Close $5 Captains, $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close

9 PM-Close: Mug Night w/ Long Islands and Beer Drinks Happy Hour: 3PM - 7PM $2.77 any Rail Drinks and Select Taps

Wings N Things! $0.39 wings: 4 PM - 10 PM Drink Specials from 4-close Play Team Trivia with DJ Steve to Win Bar Prizes and Free Free Drinks

Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the ﬁrst time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm

18+ (21+ no cover, 18-20 $5 cover) $3 Domestic Beers and Rail Drinks, $3.75 Heineken Amateur Drag Show and Trans Exotica

Kill the Keg! $5 Bottomless Cups 8pm - Close $3 Miller Lite, MGD, Miller 64 & Highlife, $3 Captains & $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close, $5 Pizza 7pm - Midnight

SAT.

FRI.

FRI: Come in for Dinner! WED: Amateur Night! Twin Cities Hottest Male Watch your sexy coeds and Female Go Go Dancers! on stage for the ﬁrst Happy Hour: 8am - 2am, La time compete for $200! Femme: 8pm - 1am, Dance Contest Starts at 11:30pm Annex: 9pm - 2am

WED.

THE BAR GRID

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 10 RE ut of O SC 4 o

1. Television: Vicki Gunvalison, Tamara Judge, Heather Dubrow, Shannon Beador, and Meghan King Edmonds are all the current stars of what TV show? 2. Money: The Taka is the official currency of what country?

6. Math: What is (62/4) +(8x3)? 7. Food: What Swiss candy company makes Kit Kat and Bit-O-Honey?

3. Literature: Who wrote the short story “The Masque of the Red Death”?

8. Music: What Canadian artist is releasing his sophomore studio album Beauty Behind the Madness on August 28th, 2015?

4. Beer: For what brand of beer was Spuds MacKenzie a sponsor?

9. Space: What is the closest star system to the sun?

5. History: In what 20th century war did the Communist Party of China face off against the Kuomintang?

10. Geography: What is the capital of Portugal?

HANNAH SKIBAH FROM RAISING CANE’S

Hannah’s Answers

Correct Answers

1. Scandal 2. Brazil 3. Benjamin Moore 4. Bud Light 5. WWII 6. 39.5 7. Nestle 8. The Weeknd 9. Milky Way 10. Sengal

1. The Real Housewives of Orange County 2. Bangladesh 3. Edgar Allan Poe 4. Bud Light 5.Chinese Civil War 6. 39.5 7. Nestle 8. The Weeknd 9. Alpha Centauri 10. Lisbon

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

FRESHMAN 15 SHOTS

FIRST DAY ON YOUR OWN CASSEROLE

With school starting up again, it’s important to get focused but even more important to focus on getting your tolerance back to an acceptable level. This game is sure to give your liver a warm welcome back to Blo-No.

Mommy and Daddy drop you oﬀ at school and hightail it outta there before you can change your mind, now what do you do? Forget the ramen, you can make something just like grandma used to make—after she became old and senile and tried feeding you raccoon for Thanksgiving.

What You’ll Need: A good ol’ handle of Burnett’s, a flask, and plenty of perseverance. Number of Players: You and all your closest friends who you haven’t seen all summer.

What You’ll Need: A casserole dish, (Who are we kidding? You’re not Martha Stewart) or some sort of pot—the baking kind. No, no, the kind you put in the oven. Also, whatever food you can scrounge up for free during Syllabus Week. Probably Papa John’s and whatever else. We used two slices of pizza and a box of fried rice a hobo generously offered us.

Level of Intoxication: You’ll be missing class the next day because of the hangover.

Fatty Factor: 1000% of your daily-recommended value.

How to Play: -Take a shot for all the ambulances you hear called on the freshmen that can’t hang. -For every icebreaker in your classes, take a shot. - Every time you step around puke on the sidewalk, drink to that. -When you see the herds of students wearing lanyards around their neck, take a shot and try not to strangle them with their makeshift noose. -If somebody asks you for directions, take a shot and appreciate the fact you look like you know your way around this place. -If somebody asks to borrow your ID for the bars, take a long drink and deny them every time.

Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. - Take the pot and gently place it on a flat surface. - Throw all the ingredients into the pot so violently that they selfcombine. - Sprinkle a hefty helping of salt for “flavor.” - Wait a certain amount of time, you decide. - Carefully remove from oven. - Divide into enough portions to last the entire semester. - Call Mom and cry.

The Game Ends When: You realize you have to stumble to your next class, whatever the hell that might be.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

If the complaining to Mom doesn’t work, virtually every club on campus oﬀers free food during Syllabus Week. Just steal a pizza or two at every session and you can last through most of the semester.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

QUIZ: WHICH HORRIBLE UMN PUN ARE YOU? Do puns make you smile or your eyes nearly roll out of your head? Either way, it can be agreed upon that puns truly are the unsung, notorious heroes of the modern world. Plus, puns were outlawed in China, so you might as well use the rights that ‘Murica has provided for you. Take the below quiz to discover which UMN themed pun is your personality!

1. What is your signature party drink? a. Beer or wine—something that will let you have fun but still remember the night the next morning. b. Long Island Iced Tea c. Tequila shots d. Whatever drinks are lying around and abandoned at the party. 2. What is your go-to restaurant on campus? a. Annie’s Parlor b. Loring Pasta Bar c. Kitty Cat Klub d. Hard Times Cafe 3. Which color are you most like? a. Brown—the gross colors that you get when you accidently mix all the colors together. b. Black—the color of the secretive and aloof. c. Gold—the color of achievement and triumph. d. Red—the color of passion, energy, and sex.

4. What are you most likely to be binge watching on Netflix? a. Girls Gone Wild b. Adam Sandler Movies c. Parks and Recreation d. Gossip Girl 5. Pick a Shakespeare quote: a. “It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.” b. “Love me or hate me, both are in my favor.” c. “To do a great right, do a little wrong.” d. “To be or not to be.” (This is probably the only Shakespeare quote you know.)

6-12: GOPHER IT!

You’re a go-getter and a work-harder. You like to have fun, but always have your long-term goals looming in the back of your head. You get a sick satisfaction whenever people call you “Type A.” You’re a great friend, but you also piss off your buddies when you look at them with a parentworthy “that is not a smart decision” glare for going out on a “school night.”

12-18 POINTS: UNIVERSITY OF MINNE-SNOW-TA

Most likely a Scorpio or a Gemini, you are one cold-hearted biz-natch. You walk to the beat of your own drum and could write “backstabbing” on the list of skills in your resume. You have probably been called “Ice Queen,” ”Two faced,” “Barbie,” or a variety of four-letter words behind your back (or to your face). Your dedication to gossip and general shit-talking would even impress writers at the National Enquirer.

18-20 POINTS: “TURN-UP”-ITORIAL HALL

You’re the life of the party, even if the only thing you remember about the night was putting on lipstick. You’re always down to dance and you could even make listening to Phillip Glass music interesting. Despite the fact that much of your homework is completed in the haze of a hangover every Sunday afternoon, you are still able to pass enough classes in order to stay in school and keep the party bus rolling!

20-24 POINTS: COUGH-MAN MEMORIAL UNION

Congratulations, you are a trash person! You have either hit rock bottom or don’t even know what a rock is. Either way, you live your life the best you can and just keep trucking. There is also a chance you might be a raccoon.

6. Why might you be single? a. I can only rely on myself. b. I have bigger plans. c. I repulse people. They run away from me screaming. 1) a-1, b-3, c-2, d-4 d. I don’t want to be tied to one person right 2) a-1,b-2, c-3, d-4 now.

3) a-4, b-2, c-1, d-3 4) a-3, b-4, c-1, d-2

5) a-1, b-2, c-3, d-4 6) a-2, b-1, c-4, d-3

Olivia Heusinkveld wrote this

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The Horoscope: Your Sign as a Potato

Have you ever wondered what form of potato coincides with your astrological sign? Yes? Well then today’s your lucky day, because The Black Sheep has created a potato-themed horoscope for your week! You can thank us later. ARIES — SMILEY-FACE FRIES: Aries has an affinity for all things 90s and 00s, and has probably never missed a Tuesday night out. They are just the right level of crispy, and are really fun at parties. Keep your eyes (and potatoes) peeled for a love interest coming your way this week. TAURUS — THE MASHED POTATO: A Taurus wears many hats - butter, chives, bacon bits, you name it. Their classic nature makes them consistently successful, and a good pairing for most other foods. Err...people. Pay especially close attention to detail on the 18th, and remember the old saying: measure twice, mash once. GEMINI — THAT ONE CURLY FRY IN YOUR REGULAR FRIES: Aka probably the best potato-related thing that can happen to you. You are full of unexpected surprises and never fail to make others smile. Their unique nature makes them stand apart from the crowd. Keep on the lookout for a price drop in that thing you’ve had your eye on around the 17th. CANCER — CHEESY POTATOES: This person is a main course masquerading as a side dish. They’re a little off the beaten path, and take longer to warm up, but in the end, they’re completely worth it. The kind of cheese depends on the person, but usually they tend to stick with the classics. Get ready to dazzle your friends at a barbeque around the 15th.

LEO — WAFFLE FRIES: The perfect pair to almost any meal, the Leo is as friendly as they come. Others get excited when they hear a Leo is coming to their dinner party, and some may cancel plans just to go. Leos are especially great with little kids, but are loved by people of all ages. Keep an eye out for a hot chick(en) on the 12th. VIRGO — THE SWEET POTATO: The name says it all. The sweet nature and mild flavor of a Virgo instantly attracts everyone around them, but some are more attracted than others. Virgos are also the least salty out of all the signs, literally and figuratively. Get ready for a big opportunity coming your way on the 21st. LIBRA — MCDONALD’S FRIES: The scales of the Libra are perfectly balanced between salty and soft. They strike harmony in the golden brown outside and squishy inside. Make sure they aren’t salty, and they’ll be much warmer. Have lunch with a close friend on the 19th, they’ll want to ketchup with you. SCORPIO — ROASTED POTATOES: Probably the closest a potato can get to being “badass,” like Scorpios are known to be. They’re lean, they’re mean, and they go great with a side of steak. A Scorpio should be on the lookout for a big change coming sometime this week - and accept it cause it’s awesome.

SAGITTARIUS — HASH BROWNS: You either love a Sagittarius, or you hate them. They’re kinda stringy and crispy...and to be honest, the word Sagittarius just reminded me of spaghetti squash and that’s the only reason why they’re hash browns. Look for a healthy dinner alternative on the 16th. CAPRICORN — HOME FRIES: A classic form of potato and a funny nickname for your friends all rolled into one. Capricorns are notorious for being the unsung hero. They are the backbone of many things, yet are often overlooked. Prepare to shine in the spotlight on the 22nd this month. AQUARIUS — POTATO CAKES: Hearty and filling, the Aquarius is usually a lot to handle all at once. Your bold flavor and easy recipe draw similar people towards you. Usually Irish people. Prepare for good news around the 23rd. PISCES – CHIPS: What goes together better than fish and chips? And yes, we mean fries, not actual chips. Pisces are a little exotic, but still a classic at the same time. Not one to be messed with, Pisces stick around for good. Expect a visit from a far away friend around the 14th.

JULIE wrote this

a ladie’s guide to living situations (lessons yo mama didn’t teach you...)

HOW TO: ASSERT DOMINANCE OVER YOUR ROOMMATE

5 DISCREET WAYS TO TELL YOUR MAN YOU’RE TAKING A GIANT POOP

College is a time to reinvent yourself, to turn the person you were in high school to the person your future self will regret being. No matter who you were in high school, there’s one person everyone wants to be in college: the top dorm dog. That’s right, we’re talking the alpha roommate. The alpha roommate is the cool roommate, the roommate in charge, the roommate who calls all the shots and takes shit from nobody. Most importantly, the alpha roommate is not the beta roommate, the submissive roommate, the roommate who only calls their mother and takes shit from everybody, especially their mother. It’s decision time; which one will you be? There can only be one alpha, and here’s how to make sure it’s you.

For us ladies, some things are uncomfortable to talk about with your man, especially when you two are first getting to know each other. Perhaps the most essential and unavoidable topic is pooping. Yes, even classy ladies fart and poop. But it’s okay, because The Black Sheep’s here to help deal will this issue. By following these 5 easy steps, this embarrassing topic will be easy to handle and become a great test of your relationship!

Ask your roommate what their door keycode is and then secretly switch keys: This move says “You only live here because I allow you to live here.” It may seem like a fun little accident at first, but they’ll soon realize they have a door to go through before they can get through their room door, and that first door is you. Organize a hall hangout and tell everyone that your roommate rudely blew off your invitation, even though you never invited them in the first place: There’s power in numbers, so make sure the numbers are on your side. Everyone in your hall will inevitably pick favorites, so you need to make sure you’re the chosen one. Your roommate won’t be able to defend themselves from taking the blame for every horrific shit taken in the hall bathrooms because they won’t be there when you start that rumor. Is your hall a safe, welcoming place for your roommate? Absolutely! But only because you let it be, for now. Do everything you possibly can in your room: Homework, calisthenics, your next door neighbor, etc… Your roommate needs to know that this is your space, not theirs. The more time you spend in there, the better, and the more impractical ways you spend your time in there, the best. Anyone else would find the gym a better place to go swimming, but you’ll take nothing less than a kiddy pool in the middle of your dorm. Keep the music down because your roommate’s trying to sleep? More like coordinate your sleeping habits to adhere to my 5 a.m. music time habits. Buy a lounge chair, position it in front of the door, and wait in the darkness: This will seem creepy at first, but eventually they’ll get used to it. They’ll even learn to expect it, which will work to your benefit. Next time they’re considering bringing home a random conquest and forcing you into sexile, they’ll have to first consider if they want to risk bringing the ultimate cockblock into play. You know what scares away random hookups? Roommates who sit in the darkness for who knows how long, waiting for you to come home. Let them know you had a previously arranged roommate that backed out at the last minute (even if you didn’t): This one’s to make sure they know who’s the reacher (them) and the settler (you). You had other, more preferable options that unfortunately didn’t work out in the end. Nonetheless, if they had, you would have chosen said original roommate over your now current roommate in a heartbeat. You’re the roommate prize, and they need to know you’ll expect certain behavior if they want to keep the luxury of living with you. Nothing takes away confidence like knowing you’re someone’s second choice, and you know who lacks confidence? Beta roommates. So you’re now equipped to sociopathically manipulate the living daylights out of your brand new living buddy, but why stop there? Manipulate your classmates, manipulate your professor, try out arson for a while and see if it’s for you! Sociopathy is a winding adventurous road; how far will you take it?

5.) Everyone Poops: Just man up and say you’re taking a shit, because if he doesn’t like it you should dump his ass anyway. If you’re new to the relationship or a bit timid, give him the book entitled Everyone Poops, or play the YouTube version of Morgan Freeman reading it. Let’s be honest, no human can resist Morgan Freeman’s sweet, sultry voice. 4.) Before you lay the wood, I’ve gotta lay mine: Sexual innuendos are perhaps the best way to un-awkwardify a situation. We’re all dirty, filthy people on the inside and our love for sex is one thing everyone has in common. If you say this line, preferably before morning sex, it is a guarantee that your man will at least crack a smile and maybe even not completely understand what it means. The end result will benefit you both. 3.) Selfies: Tell your man you’re going to the bathroom to keep all your various social media accounts presh. Everyone knows that bathrooms have the best lighting anyway—where else does the light perfectly fall upon your cheek bones?! On a side note, if you end up taking a while, he’ll understand your need to bless your followers on #SelfieSunday. 2.) Write It Out: Another fine possibility is to spell out “I’m pooping” on the bed with books or roses, because at the end of the day you’re a lady and dammit you’re romantic. Or leave anonymous Post-it notes around the house that lead him directly to you. These Post-it notes can say anything you’re feeling. Topics include but are not limited to: “I’m dropping the kids off at the pool,”“taking a deposit to the bank,”“defecating,” and “filling the peanut butter jar.” He’ll love playing this fun little game while enhancing his vocabulary! 1.) Music: Ahhh, sweet song lyrics have always best summed up and described life’s most awkward, painful, saddest and funniest moments. There is no better way than to sing, “Let Me Poop” to the tune of Disney’s infamous Frozen. If you don’t like Frozen, you can always come up with a rap, preferably while you’re on the toilet, leaving him impressed. There’s no doubt he’s going to want to wife you up after that. By following one or all of these ways to secretly tell your man you’re taking the Browns to the Super Bowl, you’ll not only breakthrough that awkward barrier of poop and non-poop talk, but who knows where your relationship could go from here. The first step in all successful relationships is to be comfortable with and around pooping and farting. So congratulations, because we all know couples that talk about poop, stay together.

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THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB

YOUR SUCCESSFUL SEMESTER Well, this headache isn’t quite how I expected to start this semester, but I guess that’s what ya get for pounding a __1__ of __2__ at __3__ rager last night. Actually, kind of reminded me of __4__ pool party over the summer, when I __5__ that one __6__ and didn’t even catch a name. But this semester’s not going to be like last semester! First class up is…ok, well I missed __7__, but it’s just Syllabus Week anyway, so who frickin’ cares, right? I’ll definitely go to __8__… but it’s all the way over in __9__, so, maybe not. Enough of class, man. Plenty of time to do the whole academic thing. I wonder what’s even going on tonight. Oh shit, it’s __10__! It’s—that means it’s __11__at __12__! Been waiting for this one all summer. Going to get my good clothes on, going to shave my __13__and I’ll be bringing back a piece. We’ll put on some “__14__” by __15__and tomorrow morning we’ll hit up __16__for some of that good Plan B. Ok, but for real. It’s time to get up and get the whole day going. Well, wait, I forgot I was just about to start another season of __17__on Netflix. Well, maybe I’ll go to class tomorrow.

WORD BANK 1) Container/ volume of booze (bottle/case, etc.) 2) Beer or liquor brand 3) Friend, possessive 4) Different friend, possessive 5) Sex act, past tense 6) Term for guy or girl 7) First class of the year

8) Second class of the year 9) Far-away campus building 10) Day of the week 11) Bar special 12) Bar that has 11’s special 13) Body part 14) Sexytime song 15) Artist 16) Campus health center 17) TV show

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