Volume 8
The Black Sheep
Fre e! L put ike th on o e po ver und bre s yo ak. u ..
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 1
FIVE THINGS YOU’D BE COMPLAINING ABOUT IF IT WAS HOT Kelsey Kunkel wrote this
Now that winter is actually here, daydreams of going to Mexico and turning Oompa-Loompa-orange have begun to creep in. Or you might want to fast-forward the year six months to when you can walk outside without creating a new, alternative dance style from slipping so much. Alas, while bipolar Minnesota does enjoy giving you false hope with the one or two days it hits the 30s, that snow ain’t going anywhere. So to make you feel better about the long winter road ahead, here’s a list of five things you’d be complaining about if it were too hot. Killer Humidity: While winter boasts its deadly wind chill, summer has its humidity. The humidity makes stepping outside feel like you’ve just inhaled a cloud and got the wind knocked out of you at the same time. That air is so thick you can actually feel it. At least in the winter every breath is cool and refreshing, like you’ve just swallowed a mint! Win-Lose Trips: When you live in Minnesota, any place you visit (regardless of the season) is going to be warmer than where you are now. So, while you may want to take that summer vacation to somewhere like Disney World, you’re going to have to travel to the pits of hell and suffer the unbearable heat. But if you want a winter vacation, you can’t find a place in the continental United States colder than right here in Minnesota; anywhere you go is going to be a winter relief. Getting Beach-Ready Bodies: As the last of the snow is melting and your layers are being shed, it becomes a dog-eatdog world where everyone has to work for those bikini bods. There’s a significant amount of work that goes into that look, as in five-trips-to-the-gym and weekly-and-strategic-selfieposes kind of work. Winter, on the other hand, is a time to do as little as possible. We get no-shave November and extracozy layers of clothing to hide our engorged winter frames. Plus, no one is looking at your body when they’re busy trying to keep warm.
Sweaty, Smelly, and Sticky: In the heat, you go outside, walk around for five minutes, and come back inside dripping with sweat. The only way to stay cool is to blast the AC until you’re cold inside, but you don’t dare go outside again for fear of melting. Instead, you just hide inside and try not to stick to the chairs. In sweet, sexy winter, you risk getting wind-burn on any exposed skin, but as soon as you get inside the heat brings you to a nice comfortable temperature. Once inside, you can snuggle with a blanket and hot chocolate and get cozy while the frost paints the glass and white decorates the dead trees outside.
You Can Only Take Off So Much Clothing Before it’s Illegal: While winter may require you to put on an excess of layers, it’s possible to reach a comfortable temperature while you’re waddling around with your five scarves, four pairs of mittens, three winter coats, two pairs of long underwear, and a partridge in a pear tree. With hot weather, you’ll likely be charged with indecent exposure before you beat the heat. So next time you’re calculating the best route between classes that involves the least amount of time in the cold (like taking the tunnels around the Mall from Vincent to Smith instead of risking those three precious minutes running across in the snow), remember to enjoy the present because 100 degrees from now is just going to bring a whole new set of complaints.
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PAGES 12-13
TOP 10: COLD WEATHER SEX POSITIONS
THE SEVEN LIES YOU’LL TELL YOURSELF THIS SEMESTER
THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO THE OSCARS
WHEN IN DOUBT, ALWAYS DO THE “GOLDY.”
FOR EXAMPLE: “I’M NOT GOING TO SPEND ALL MY MONEY ON POT AND INSOMNIA COOKIES ANYMORE”
WITH THIS GUIDE, YOU’LL SOUND LIKE SOMEONE WHO SPENT 20 HOURS WATCHING MOVIES.
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JANUARY 22ND 2015 - JANUARY 29TH 2015
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