Minny 1/22/15 Issue by The Black Sheep

Volume 8

The Black Sheep

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Issue 1

FIVE THINGS YOU’D BE COMPLAINING ABOUT IF IT WAS HOT Kelsey Kunkel wrote this

Now that winter is actually here, daydreams of going to Mexico and turning Oompa-Loompa-orange have begun to creep in. Or you might want to fast-forward the year six months to when you can walk outside without creating a new, alternative dance style from slipping so much. Alas, while bipolar Minnesota does enjoy giving you false hope with the one or two days it hits the 30s, that snow ain’t going anywhere. So to make you feel better about the long winter road ahead, here’s a list of five things you’d be complaining about if it were too hot. Killer Humidity: While winter boasts its deadly wind chill, summer has its humidity. The humidity makes stepping outside feel like you’ve just inhaled a cloud and got the wind knocked out of you at the same time. That air is so thick you can actually feel it. At least in the winter every breath is cool and refreshing, like you’ve just swallowed a mint! Win-Lose Trips: When you live in Minnesota, any place you visit (regardless of the season) is going to be warmer than where you are now. So, while you may want to take that summer vacation to somewhere like Disney World, you’re going to have to travel to the pits of hell and suffer the unbearable heat. But if you want a winter vacation, you can’t find a place in the continental United States colder than right here in Minnesota; anywhere you go is going to be a winter relief. Getting Beach-Ready Bodies: As the last of the snow is melting and your layers are being shed, it becomes a dog-eatdog world where everyone has to work for those bikini bods. There’s a significant amount of work that goes into that look, as in five-trips-to-the-gym and weekly-and-strategic-selfieposes kind of work. Winter, on the other hand, is a time to do as little as possible. We get no-shave November and extracozy layers of clothing to hide our engorged winter frames. Plus, no one is looking at your body when they’re busy trying to keep warm.

Sweaty, Smelly, and Sticky: In the heat, you go outside, walk around for five minutes, and come back inside dripping with sweat. The only way to stay cool is to blast the AC until you’re cold inside, but you don’t dare go outside again for fear of melting. Instead, you just hide inside and try not to stick to the chairs. In sweet, sexy winter, you risk getting wind-burn on any exposed skin, but as soon as you get inside the heat brings you to a nice comfortable temperature. Once inside, you can snuggle with a blanket and hot chocolate and get cozy while the frost paints the glass and white decorates the dead trees outside.

You Can Only Take Off So Much Clothing Before it’s Illegal: While winter may require you to put on an excess of layers, it’s possible to reach a comfortable temperature while you’re waddling around with your five scarves, four pairs of mittens, three winter coats, two pairs of long underwear, and a partridge in a pear tree. With hot weather, you’ll likely be charged with indecent exposure before you beat the heat. So next time you’re calculating the best route between classes that involves the least amount of time in the cold (like taking the tunnels around the Mall from Vincent to Smith instead of risking those three precious minutes running across in the snow), remember to enjoy the present because 100 degrees from now is just going to bring a whole new set of complaints.

PAGE 5

PAGE 7

PAGES 12-13

TOP 10: COLD WEATHER SEX POSITIONS

THE SEVEN LIES YOU’LL TELL YOURSELF THIS SEMESTER

THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO THE OSCARS

WHEN IN DOUBT, ALWAYS DO THE “GOLDY.”

FOR EXAMPLE: “I’M NOT GOING TO SPEND ALL MY MONEY ON POT AND INSOMNIA COOKIES ANYMORE”

WITH THIS GUIDE, YOU’LL SOUND LIKE SOMEONE WHO SPENT 20 HOURS WATCHING MOVIES.

JANUARY 22ND 2015 - JANUARY 29TH 2015

THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

MEET the STAFF OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390.1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900

CAMPUS MANAGER Mackenzie Harding

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OWNER Atish Doshi

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FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

WRITERS Kelsey Kunkel, Lily Noonan Aron Wolde, Annie Cameron Victoria Petelin

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DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?

INCOMPEETENT The inability to pee in dorm bathrooms because, you know, performance anxiety, man.

ARIA ARIAL

I’m sorry I didn’t go when we were in the dorm, I was incompeetent! Hurry, help me find a bush.

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PAGE 4 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

LEARNIN’ IT

UMN Develops New Courses in Basic Life Skills Victoria Petelin wrote this

The University of Minnesota has always kept the best interests of its students at heart when designing new, exciting course offerings. Lately, however, the University of Minnesota hasn’t quite cut the cheese in an area most students desperately need: life skills. After the Middlebrook Hall Ramen Fiasco of 2014, when a student’s burnt ramen caused the whole building to evacuate at 1 a.m., it became clear to university faculty that they needed to think beyond career skills and start teaching students how to avoid living like spoiled, suburban, grown-up babies. The university hired The Committee of New Life Courses (CNLC), led by Agnete Coleman, to brainstorm new course offerings focusing on general common sense to debut in the spring of 2015. One of these courses, “Intimate Relationships,” has been particularly helpful to students who struggle to grasp concepts like “texting back” and “not eating all the Cheetos.” Once students have mastered these basic skills, the course progresses to more difficult subjects with lectures such as, “Stop in the Name of Love: Anti-Cheating Techniques” as well as “Relationship Boundaries: Saying ‘No’ to the Good Touch.” Coleman decided that “Intimate Relationships” thoroughly covered other inevitable subjects such as being married to a deadbeat husband and

“surprise” children, so the efforts of CNLC should be directed at other life subjects. Committee member Dana Upwing suggested a course aimed at students the university expects to drop out, entitled “Success in the Service Industry,” which mentally prepares students to shop at Walmart and deal with the laughable insult that is minimum wage. Additionally, committee member Alex Rothsco pitched an idea to serve students who are interested in fatherhood, entitled “Starting Home Improvement Projects” which goes over the basics of buying all the plywood necessary to construct a sunroom and then never doing it. Towards the end of the CNLC meeting, member Figman Gordley suggested a simple class called, “LifeHacks.” The Black Sheep is proud to report that his committee membership was immediately terminated for being a no-good BuzzFeed lover, and probably a meme-loving piece of garbage as well. After speaking directly with students about what subject they would be interested in learning, Coleman came to the conclusion that most students are simply the products of little to no education in home economics. Shaking her head at the failure of the public school system, Coleman said, “These kids have no idea what they’re doing and it’s not like teaching them how to make

banana bread will drastically change them for the better! But if it’s between that and burning down a dorm room, I say make the banana bread.” With Coleman’s discovery a vast change was made to the CNLC which signaled the start of a brand new chapter in home ec. education. “Home

Economics 2: College Boogaloo” is a two credit class that will debut in fall 2015. The class is already filled, and not just by banana bread enthusiasts; students who need to learn how to cook, clean, and sew are apparently ubiquitous at our campus. With the start of this class maybe we can finally put an end to needless 1 a.m. fire drills.

BRRRRRRR!

THE TOP TEN

Cold Weather Sex Positions Unsurprisingly, 2015 is beginning with a cyclical and sorrowful bout of cold. Even though the temperature has dropped, that doesn’t mean your sex life should freeze as well. Don’t let your dry skin, frostbitten toes, chapped lips, and extra holiday pounds keep you from getting it on. The Black Sheep staff (a.k.a certified sex gods) has rounded up their best sex positions for spicing up your love life. 10.) The Lofted Bed: Recreate the awkward sexual encounters from freshman year by doing it on the smallest, most unstable surface you can find - like your first lofted bed! Do it on a coffee table, an ottoman, or a yoga ball. You’ll relive the glory days of impersonal one-night stands, paranoia that your roommate will wake up, and constant fear that your lofted bed will break from too much thrusting (although we would count that as a victory).

Out-of-State Students Prepare to Come Back to the Deathly Cold of Minnesota

9.) The Winter Biker: Put on a ski mask when you go down on them. It’ll cause a whole bunch of warm, fuzzy sensations down there and have your lover begging for more. Don’t have a ski mask? Take a normal winter hat, pull it down over your face and cut holes in it. Half the fun is looking creepy and making your lover uncomfortable. 8.) Sweeten It Up: The only thing better than sex is chocolate. Why not have both? Draw a steamy candlelit bath of hot cocoa for two. Then, surprise your lover by wearing nothing but marshmallows (or mini-marshmallows for those of you less endowed) covering your naked bod. 7.) Do the Goldy: Get on top and ride your partner like a sexy, sexy… gopher. Beat their Badger by wiggling back and forth like Goldy, and you’ll score in your sex partner’s end zone without a fumble.

Gracie Eight wrote this

Sydney Hanson, a freshman at the University of Minnesota, said she is cherishing her last few days in Florida before returning to college. “I really don’t know why I chose to go to school in Minnesota. When I’m walking to class I’m tempted to pee myself just for a little extra warmth. I don’t though… I promise I don’t,” Hanson said. Many students share Hanson’s sentiments. Not necessarily the sentiment about wanting to pee themselves, but rather about regretting choosing the University of Minnesota for four years of schooling. “Don’t get me wrong. I like the University of Minnesota,” commented Gregory Theilson, a junior at the U hailing from Arizona. “I’m in Carlson and it’s a great program and definitely better than any other program at the U of M. We’re just way smarter, better at sex, and all around cool people. But it’s so cold! I live on West Bank and walking to Carlson is cold as hell... if hell was negative eight degrees at three in the afternoon. Which I am now certain it is.” Despite all the negative Nancys, we found one out-of-state student who says he’s looking forward to coming back to this weather, James Ryan of Anchorage, Alaska. But aside from the anomalous Ryan, the out-of-state students are filled with dread. With temperatures reaching far below zero, students around the country are filled with sadness and anger as they pack up their snow pants and compact space heaters to head back to Minneapolis. When asked why she left Florida for Minnesota, Sydney Hanson told us she “just really wanted to get away from home” and that she “also thought people were exaggerating when they said Minnesota had such frigid winters… and falls… and springs.” Some out-of-state students reported considering just not coming back for spring semester after checking their weather apps for what the temperatures were in Minneapolis. “Negative twelve? Are you kidding me? No way. Nope. Not gonna happen.” said Henry Finkle, a student who dropped out of UMN to stay in his hometown Dallas, Texas. And we don’t blame him! In preparation for the chilly temps, students have been purchasing bigger and thicker winter coats. One student reported buying three coats at Eddie Bauer and is planning on wearing them all at the same time. Carla Tenenbaum, a junior psychology major, said she’s most bummed about not being able to show off her super cute new tank top from Pac Sun because it will be completely hidden by the five sweaters she has to wear at all times. For the out-of-state students who are returning this semester, taking online classes is just as good of an option. After the disappointment that came with not being able to show off her top, Carla Tenenbaum reported that she switched half of the classes she originally registered for to online courses. “I figure I’d rather sit in my warm apartment even if my roommates are always blasting horrible music. I’d rather listen to Pitbull all day than spend two seconds in this weather.” Even those who have spent their whole lives in the cold of Minneapolis dread this time of year. That’s right guys, even the Minnesota natives are tempted to pee themselves on the walk to class.

6.) St. Paul Threesome: This is great for couples that want to spice it up, but get jealous easily. Invite a third person, but make sure they are far enough away so that you forget about them from time to time. Only get them involved when you need to “plow some fields” if you catch our drift. 5.) Hot-Hands Job: If you just walked in the door after a romantic date, take your gloves off, but leave the Heatmax Hothands on like a true Minnesotan. You’ll literally heat things up by giving them the handjob of their life. Hopefully it won’t be too hot to handle. 4.) The Washington Ave. Stoplight: This is a great way to last longer or make your partner extremely frustrated. Right before you or your partner climaxes, yell “WAIT” continuously until you make them late for class. 3.) New Locations: Sex can get pretty boring if you’re always doing it in in the same tiny bedroom as your roommate plays solitaire in the next room. Switch it up! Get frisky in the back of the Gopher Chauffer. Bend over for a quickie at the Rec Center while you pretend to tie your shoes. Even if you get caught, you’ll just get arrested for being too sexy. 2.) Fantasy Roleplay: Whether you’ve been with the same person since junior prom, or you don’t like your FWB’s personality, roleplay can enhance the dynamics of the bedroom. For example, one of you can dress up like a Jimmy John’s delivery person and get freaky, FAST. 1.) D.I.Y Bondage: You can bring some naughty toys into the bedroom without having to make an uncomfortable trip to Sex World. Get creative with what you have! Cut off the ropes of your Welcome Week knapsack to tie your partner to the bed and use the bag for a blindfold. You’ll have them saying, “G-Double-O-D J-O-B” in no time.

UMN Staff wrote this

PARTY PICS

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ON THE STREETS IF YOU HAD TO SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT JANUARY, WHAT WOULD IT BE? NATALIE

“It’s not Negative 1000.”

PETER

“Uh, it’s almost over?”

ASHLYN

“Well, it’s almost over.”

LIES! ALL LIES!

Aron Wolde wrote this

“I’m definitely going to save my GPA this semester”: So your GPA isn’t looking so hot, maybe it’s run a bit south of a 3.0. Maybe you were a bit too caviler with the old CLA moto: “C’s get degrees.” That’s totally okay, you’re going to fix it with studying, planning, and hard work. If that doesn’t work, then you’re going to fix it with cheating, lying, and, if need be, seducing your disgusting TA. We call it the lesser of two D’s. “I am not going to spend all of my rent money on pot and Insomnia Cookies anymore”: You don’t have to be a financial guru to know that money for rent is better spent on the roof over your head than getting high and satisfying your munchies. Sitting down in the cold, baked and snacking on a sugar cookie isn’t going to keep you warm when it’s snowing outside, but we’re sure you’ll try it anyway. “My papers won’t be written a night before they’re due”: You can say this all you want, but procrastination will get you. It’s like a serial killer with your class schedule; it will find you. Chances are you’re going to be writing at 2 a.m. every night next to a clock that seems to be running fast. “I can’t keep having sex next to my sleeping roommate”: Everyone knows the dorm walls are soundproof, but that just keeps the sounds of nookie trapped within your own walls. And last time we checked, the U didn’t splurge on sound-proof sheets; it’s

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just not possible to splooge without disturbing the person you cohabitate with. But what are you supposed to do? Not have sex just because someone else is in the room? “I’ll pack my lunch ahead of time so I won’t waste money in Coffman”: Doughnuts in Coffman cost $2 a piece! Whatever cruel trick the administration is playing, it’s not going to stop just because the new year rolled around and tricked you into thinking that you have free will. Your bank account and hackneyed Gopher Gold is going to be so overdrawn it’ll implode. “I’m going to actually use GoldPass this semester; it’s time to plan for my future”: “Forever Young” is a good song, but a terrible life plan. Unless you plan on living in the 90s, where everyone is hiring, you’re going to have to find a few dozen internships/small jobs on GoldPass. You know GoldPass, the U of M website where childhood dreams come to die? Where the bottom of the barrel is highlighted in maroon and gold. You want to be a scientist? Well, GoldPass says they’re hiring janitors at 3M, but we don’t see you as much of a mopper… “I’m going to invest more time in school than parties”: If getting drunk were a major, you’d have a PhD. However, it’s not. So you should probably attempt to learn something useful this semester, not how to avoid getting vomit in your hair. Unless you’re in Carlson, in which case, party on. Stop deluding yourself and actually just come to terms with the fact that you’re going to fall into the same habits as you did last semester. However, now you have the foresight to bring a water bottle of vodka along for the ride.

PAGE 7 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

The Seven Lies You’ll Tell Yourself this Semester

It’s a new semester, which means a new you! Or more likely, a you that resembles the old you, but is more susceptible to denial. If this sounds like you (or the new you), look out for these lies that you’ll be telling yourself for the next four months.

He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.

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THE BAR GRID SPECIAL NIGHT

Happy Hour Mon-Sat 3-8pm 2 for 1 on “Almost” Anything $1 OFF Appetizers LATE NIGHT Happy Hour Fri-Sat 8pm10PM: $3 Calls, Wells and Any Tap, $4 Vodka Red Bulls

Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close

SAT: Cabooze Presents: 40th Anniversary Concert Series: Happy Birthday Janis A Tribute to the Life and Music of Janis Joplin Featuring Jill Henderson, Debra G, Katy Hays & Jacy Smith Doors 7:00 PM, Music 8:00 PM, Age 18+ Advance $10, Door $12 ON SALE!

WEDNESDAY: $2 1/2lb. Burgers Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Thursday 1/22

8pm-Close: All-U-Care-2-Drink with a College or Military ID $10 AUC2D Domestic Taps & Well Mixers, $1 O-Bombs, $3 UV Vodka

Karaoke Thursdays! Free Shot When You Sing Karaoke $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 U-Call-It Shots

Seahorse Productions Presents: Blue-Funk-Grass Getdown Feat. Sawed Off String Band w. Vibes for the Tribes & Inprogression Doors 9:00 PM, Music 10:00 PM, Age 18+ $5 Cover

Half price bottles of wine starting at 5pm Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Friday 1/23

8pm-Close: $4 Three Olives Vodka $5 Three Olives Flavored Long Islands, $2 Mini Bombs (Jäger, Cherry & Orange)

Friday After Class (F.A.C.) 2 PM - 6 PM: $1.50 Beers, $2 Rails, and $2.50 Margaritas

Happy Hour 3-6pm

Saturday 1/24

8pm-Close: $4 Bacardi $2 Mini Bombs (Jäger, Cherry & Orange)

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

Cabooze Presents: 40th Anniversary Concert Series: Happy Birthday Janis A Tribute to the Life and Music of Janis Joplin Featuring Jill Henderson, Debra G, Katy Hays & Jacy Smith Doors 7:00 PM, Music 8:00 PM, Age 18+ Advance $10, Door $12 ON SALE!

$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers 10am-Noon Happy Hour! 3-6pm

Sunday 1/25

Open ONLY for Special Events $3 Wells and Domestic Taps $4 Calls, Micro/Import Taps

Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close

Cabooze Presents: The Legendary Blues Jam featuring Moses Oakland Doors 7:00 PM, Music 7:00 PM – 11 PM Age 18+, No Cover

$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers 10am-Noon Happy Hour! 3-6pm

Monday 1/26

Mason Jar Monday (8pm-Close) $3 Bud & Bud Light Taps $3 Double UV Vodka & Rails $5 Bud & Bud Light Pitchers $10 Bud or Bud Light Towers.

Bar Prizes After Every Quarter of Monday Night Football; Enter the $5000 Grand Prize Giveaway!

$2 Sloppy Jacks All Day Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Tuesday 1/27

Birthday Karaoke Night!

8pm - Close: $3 U-Call It’s Rails, Calls and Every Beer on Tap

Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf)

Wednesday 1/28

8pm-Close: $0.25 Wings with College or Military ID, or purchase of a $8 AUCD wristband. ($.50 without) $8 AUC2D Miller Lite Tap, Wells, Bacardi Oakheart, $1.50 Miller High Life “Tall Boys”

Wings N Things! $0.39 wings: 4 PM - 10 PM; 2-4-1 drinks: 4 PM-close; Play Team Trivia with DJ Steve to Win Bar Prizes and Free Free Drinks

Circle of Heat w/ Headband Jam Doors 9:00 PM, Music 10:00 PM, Age 18+ Cover $5.00 $3 Rail Drinks and Tall Boy Cans 2 4 1 Cover w College ID

$3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs, $3 Long Island Pints

Taco Tuesday, Live Music! Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

$2 1/2lb. Burgers Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

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THE BAR GRID MONDAY! College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new!

18+! $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

Late Night Fish Bowls 9-Close! $10 Fishbowls

Happy Hour 7 Days a Week! 3:30pm-7pm $2 - $4 Appetizers, $3 Domestics & Well Drinks, $4 Speciality and Premium, $5 Top Shelf

SPECIAL NIGHT

Military ID Night: Show your military ID for free cover!

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Rail & Domestic Beer $1 Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Drag Show: 10pm - 1am

Late Night Fish Bowls 9-Close! Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

No Cover! $3 Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime & Bud Select $3 Heineken, Amstel Light & Dos Equis $3 Cruzan 9 & Svedka 7pm - Close $6 Dozen Wings 7pm - Midnight

Thursday 1/22

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner! Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go Dancers! Happy Hour: 8am - 2am, La Femme: 8pm - 1am, Dance Annex: 9pm - 2am

Late Night Fish Bowls 9-Close! Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles 7pm-Close

Friday 1/23

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner! All Six Bars are Open!

Late Night Fish Bowls 9-Close! Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

Happy Hour 7 Days a Week! 3:30pm-7pm $2 - $4 Appetizers, $3 Domestics & Well Drinks, $4 Speciality and Premium, $5 Top Shelf

Saturday 1/24

Service Industry Night! Show pay-stub from your bar or club and get free cover!

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Day! Come experience the 90s in its full glory with 6 bars and 3 live DJs!

Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

Inventory Reduction Sundays! No Cover $3 Specials 7pm - Close

Sunday 1/25

College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new!

NO COVER! 2-4-1 Drinks (rail & domestic beer) from 9pm to 1am Happy Hour: 8am - 2am, Karaoke: 10pm - 2am

Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

Industry Mondays - No Cover! Beer Pong Nightly $0.35 Wings 8pm - 11pm Extended Happy Hour on Drinks Only 7pm - Close

Monday 1/26

Ladies Night! Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!

18+! $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

Trivia Tuesday w/ Tim (8-Close): $3 Domestic Taps, $4 Craft & Import Taps Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

No Cover! Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong Nightly, $3 Wells, Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime & Bud Select 7pm - Close, $5 Captains $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close

Tuesday 1/27

WED: Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the first time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to All Ladies

18+ (21+ no cover, 18-20 $5 cover) $3 Domestic Beers and Rail Drinks, $3.75 Heineken, Amateur Drag Show and Trans Exotica Come in for Dinner!

Karaoke 9-Close w/ $3 Summit Taps Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

Kill the Keg! $5 Bottomless Cups 8pm - Close $3 Miller Lite, MGD, Miller 64 & Highlife, 43 Captains & $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close, $5 Pizza 7pm - Midnight

Wednesday 1/28

PAGE 10 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

PROS & CONS:

HOME VS. DORM Black Sheep Staff wrote this

Try explaining to them why you’re digging through the pantry like a savage at 3 a.m. Dorm Pros: You’re in the drunchies hub of UMN. With a single phone call, you can have anything you can think of delivered to the lobby of your dorm. Mama may be pissed with those final grades you brought home, but you know who still loves you? Papa John. Cons: It’s dangerous to fall into a pattern of ordering the late-night junk food because it can be debilitating to your health and bank account. Not only that, you actually have to walk down a few flights of stairs to get the greasy goodness. Winner: DORM UMN has more late night food places than any of our engineers can count, so you know it’s a lot. Plus, no one will wake you up in the morning and passiveaggressively comment on the pizza box, oregano, and red pepper foursome you had. HOOKING UP WITH YOUR NEIGHBOR Home Pros: You’ll have a way bigger bed and more room to maneuver. You also have the luxury of being able to be a good host and offering your hometown slam piece something other than water or ramen. Cons: Your parents are infinitely more likely to make some icy conversation when they’re stuck in a car with him on the way to Aunt Becky’s tomorrow.

Returning home for winter break is always a mixed bag. While you’re always stoked to see your family at the expense of getting the hell away from finals week, there’s always that creeping itch to hightail it back to UMN after two weeks of sharing your parents’ shitty, old taste in beer (Amstel Light? What am I, 50?). To set the record straight, we paired up the two living arrangements to see which is truly better: home or dorm. THE ABILITY TO GET DRUNCHIES Home Pros: You have a selection of fresh, gourmet food in your walk-in pantry and fridge. That five-cheese lasagna your mom made for dinner last night? All yours. That crisp, unopened bag of Doritos your parents picked up? Go crazy. You’re not paying for it. Cons: One wrong move or one chip bag that is just a bit too loud and your whole family wakes up and knows what’s up.

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Dorm Pros: Nobody questions you unless you have roommates who need to know everything about your life. The only person you need to get past is security and that big bossman knows what’s going on anyway. Hell, he’s probably rooting for you. Cons: Anything that goes down in the bedroom will be spread like wildfire around your floor. What’s supposed to be a one night stand turns into your floormates envisioning you getting married. And, you know, herpes jokes.

Winner: DORM You don’t have an authority figure watching your every move, so you can shack up with some privacy. You also don’t have to worry about mentally scarring that curious little brother rummaging around at 2 a.m. MAKING A RUN FOR IT FROM THE SHOWER WITHOUT YOUR TOWEL Home Pros: Your parents’ hallway carpet is definitely better than your vomit-encrusted dorm floor. You’re going to be unseen unless your dad’s creepier than that freak down the hall. Cons: You could have an awkward encounter with Pops, leading to some weird dinner conversation. It was cute when you were three, but this is just… no. Dorm Pros: You get to practice streaking for when you actually do it across campus. It’s a trial run, so you’ve gotta’ make sure you perfect it in front of the people you live with first. Cons: You’re completely exposed at all times because every area in a dorm is shared space. Everybody in your hall will get a nice glance at your ass as you try to book it butt-naked to your room. Now you have marriage, herpes, and body image jokes going around. That’s a tall order for freshman year. Winner: HOME You have a way smaller chance of being seen by somebody, and you can gracefully make your way to your room without being too worried of exposing yourself to everyone around you. Plus, you’re all family in a weird, Texas Chainsaw Massacre sort of way. Dorm life, for all its tiny inconveniences, still beats the hell out of trying to do that whole “college” thing in a suburban split level. Stay in UMN for this one, kids.

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E t of 1 R SCO 4 ou

1. Politics: There are two dominant political parties in England. Name one.

6. Cooking: “Sous vide,” a method of preparing

2. Harry Potter: Who started the Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare?

7. Music: What “Take Me to Church” singer released his self-titled album in October 2014?

3. Civil Rights: What was the first state in the

8. The Human Body: What body party acts as

4. Pseudoscience: What long-time fake

9. Fashion: On a dress, décolletage, bateau, portrait and keyhole are all types of what?

United States to recognize same-sex marriage in 2004?

science has historically aimed to turn base metals into noble metals?

5. Statues: The Spring Temple Buddha,

food, means the food is cooked in what

the primary blood filter for the human body?

10. Celebrity Weddings: What actress recently married Benji Madden of Good Charlotte fame?

the world’s largest statue, is located in what country?

NOBEL KOSHY, UMN SECURITY MONITOR

Nobel’s Answers

Correct Answers

1. Labour Party 2. Dobby 3. Massachusetts 4. Alchemy 5. Thailand 6. Pan 7. Eric Church 8. Spleen 9. Skirts 10. Gweneth Paltrow

1. Conservative Party, Labour Party 2. Hermione Granger 3. Massachusetts 4. Alchemy 5. China 6. Water 7. Hozier 8. Spleen 9. Necklines 10. Cameron Diaz

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

KICKING OFF THE SEMESTER

SYLLABUS WEEK SANDWICH

Shit. It’s the beginning of another semester and you’re about to run through the same old routine you do every year. There’s no doubt you’ll start to get some deja vu while your roommate rambles on about how shitty school is and how he’ll never graduate. Don’t worry, though. For you, it’s time to start another god damn semester the right way.

It’s time to kick off another shitty semester, but there’s one thing you’ll make sure isn’t filled with crap this week: your stomach. While your brain will be fried worrying about all the stuff you have to do now that school’s back in session, your food will be fried even more. Just like your curiously southern-accented momma’ said: You can’t go learnin’ on an empty stomach now, ya’ hear?

What You’ll Need: A procrastinator’s mind (your mind), the will to say “no” to work, beer, and lots of it. Level of Intoxication: Armageddon-level.

What You’ll Need: MEAT. ALL THE MEAT IN THE WORLD (ham, turkey, roast beef, salami), lettuce, tomato, Italian dressing, a French roll. Fatty Factor: We hope you’re not a vegan.

How to Play: - Stock your fridge strictly with beer when you get back to your apartment from winter break. This will get you through about one night. - Every time your roommate asks you what classes you’re taking this semester, shotgun. - Drink twice every time you forget which classes you did sign up for. - Finish your drink when you realize you didn’t sign up for any. - Do a waterfall when your roommate begins complaining about how tough his semester is, stop drinking when he gets to the part about him being a little bitch. - Shotgun again when you recruit a new player to the game (when you convince your roommate to cool it and hang out with you).

Let’s Get Baked: - Start by toasting your roll in the oven at 350 degrees. - When your bread is toasty, pile that meat on like your professor’s going to pile on that work. - Add some lettuce and tomato for extra filling (remember what momma’ said). - Drench that bad boy in some Italian dressing. Just like you’ll need some weird-ass weekend nights to get you through this semester, an extra spice of dressing will give you the kick in the ass you’ll need to get by.

The Game Ends When: You wake up to realize you’ve ruined the start of both you and your friend’s semester by missing all of your classes.

Did this blatant culinary metaphor calm you down? Will you eat a bit before you shack up at the library for the next five months? We sure hope so, because that sandwich was good.

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NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Black

e d i u G Sheep

to the (for Those Who Haven’t Seen These Movies) Last Thursday the Best Picture nominees for the 87th Academy Awards were announced. But what will you—the on-the-go college student who doesn’t have time to watch eight movies—do when you’re force to discuss the merits of one of the films? Oh, don’t worry, The Black Sheep has your back. By Brendan

THREE MOVIES THAT

SHOULD HAVE BEEN NOMINATED

(and why you should watch them)

American Sniper

Birdman

Basic Premise: America’s best long-range killing machine isn’t a machine at all, he’s a guy with feelings and stuff, even when he’s a-killin’. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “Dude, there’s no way a guy as good lookin’ as Bradley Cooper would ever be a sniper. I’m not gay or nothin’, but a man with that jaw line would be cleaning up on magazine covers, not waiting two weeks to shower in a desert.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “I’m quite pleased with Eastwood’s clear, realistic portrayal of killing in American Sniper. Too often, it’s easily to glorify or vilify the act, eliminating the feelings of discomfort we need to face in a world with many shades of gray.”

Basic Premise: Michael Keaton plays an ex-superhero, in-a-slump actor (hey, like Michael Keaton!) holding tight to his final strand of fame as he works to debut a Broadway play. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “I kind of assumed Cash Money Records was in financial trouble, but Birdman looks terrible in this documentary.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “Don’t you think the continuous-take gimmick pairs nicely with Michael Keaton’s self-parody in this film? Together, they form a Mőbius strip that strongly argues that life does imitate art.”

Boyhood

The Grand Budapest Hotel

Basic Premise: The audience follows a boy (a real boy!) as he grows from a child to a young adult, unlike that stupid Peter Pan. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “Editing 12 years of footage must be a real bitch. I had a hard time cutting 50 words out of my 5-page paper, so I just made the margins a little smaller.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “What a truly brave directorial choice this was. Given everything we know about what can go wrong on a movie set, spanning that agony over 12 years really does merit some hardware, don’t you think?”

Basic Premise: The Graduate meets Ocean’s Eleven, but substitute dark humor of post-college ennui with the twee stylings of Wes Anderson. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “Voldermort looks totally ridiculous with that fake nose/moustache combo. This movie sucks.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “I can’t believe Anderson has found a way to use humor to skewer dictatorships big and small, whether it’s an overbearing government, or an overbearing hotel administrator. In the end, both parties find new and interesting ways to alienate those forced to live under them.”

The Imitation Game

Selma

Basic Premise: A British WWII hero helps defeat the Nazis, only to face prosecution for homosexuality by the very government he saved. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “This movie is stupid, who cares about some British guy who cracked a code? Those Limey bastards would be speaking German right now if it wasn’t for us.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “Perhaps it was Alan Turning’s disguising of his sexuality that allowed him to think of how similar misdirection applied to the Nazi coding system.”

Basic Premise: Martin Luther King Jr. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “I wish that Martin Luther King Jr. was white, that way we’d already have a biographical movie made about him. Wait, that didn’t sound racist in my head.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “The film’s portrayal of Lyndon B. Johnson is immaterial. This movie isn’t about one man or two men, but rather an idea—a movement—that changed America.”

The Theory of Everything

Whiplash

Basic Premise: Handsome Stephen Hawking (Eddie Redmayne) faces a life-threatening motor neuron disease diagnosis. Hilarity Oscar Bait ensues. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “God, I hope this movie has some trippy shit about space, because if I have to see a hot girl nuzzle up to a cripple for two hours, I’m gonna puke.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “I think The Theory of Everything shows that, even though paralysis can affect everything we can see, it’s the ethereal, the mind, emotion, love, that truly win the day in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds.”

Basic Premise: “Only steers and queers play jazz drums, Private Pa Rum Pum Pum Pum, and you don’t look like much of a steer to me!” What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “Could there be any more black shirts in this movie? It’s like those freakin’ band kids never grow up.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “I found this film an enlightening exploration into the discipline required for the creation of art. Too often, I think, non-artists look at the creative process as a medium for extemporaneous expression, which it obviously isn’t. Using jazz, a free form medium, is just icing on the cake.”

Jake Gyllenhaal plays a weirdo who builds cred in the news community by recording—and eventually manipulating—accidents and crime scenes. Atmospherically intense and creepy, it’s like you’re watching one of the car crashes he films: You know something horrible is about to happen, but you can’t take your eyes off of it.

This isn’t a “throw a drink in your face” bitches be trippin’ kind of movie, it’s more of, “ruin your entire life and use your own faults as a man against you” bitches be trippin’ kind of movie. It’s awesome. And there’s a bloody sex scene, too, which will make you question your taste in erotica.

2014 will go down as the Year of Chris Pratt. Was there a more fun movie in 2014? (Hint: No) Action, hilarity, well-imagined aliens, worlds and villains—plus an anthropomorphized tree and raccoon. Just because this wasn’t a snore-fest 3-hour bio doesn’t mean it’s not one of the best movies of the year.

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB

LET’S TEAR UP THIS BANGER! Even though it’s only a ___1___ night, I’m always down to get a little turnt. Pounding some ___2___s, slamming some ___3___ girls, you know, the usual. It’s ___4___ sister’s friend’s neighbor who’s in ___5___, and she’s turning 21. Who doesn’t love a good shitshow birthday, amirite? Since getting my fake ID for Christmas I’m bringing a fifth of ___6___ vodka and a fifth of ___7___ because bitches love that shit. I’m also going to stop at ___8___ and pick up a new button-up, and just tell people it’s from ___9___because everyone will be too drunk to know the difference. Hey, maybe I’ll really impress them and bring some ___10___, everyone loves fire! Should I pick up some helium balloons, inhale some, and do my infamous ___11___ impression? Yeah, bruh, probably. Every girl loves ___12___ because it reminds them of their childhood, and then they start talking about ___13___ and then they got all excited, and that’s good for the dudes, know what I’m saying? I also heard that ___14___ is going to be there, and that she can twerk better than ___15___ and ___16___ combined. Maybe I should make a playlist just in case the party isn’t popping enough. You know, some ___17___, some ___18___, and ___19___, the bitches love her. Of course I’ll throw on ___20___ to really get them asses bouncin’. Finna get laid tonight! I better wash my ___21___ sheets and make sure I have ___22___on hand for when I bring the party home. Birthday parties are the best!

WORD BANK 1) Weekday 2) Shitty beer 3) Freshman dorm 4) Your roommate 5) “Fun” sorority 6) Flavor 7) Unusual liqueur 8) Grocery store 9) High-end designer 10) Type of firework 11) Cartoon character 12) Cartoon from #11

13) Popstar from your childhood 14) Hottie on campus 15) Hot celebrity female 16) Old but hot celebrity female 17) Overplayed EDM artist 18) Classic rock band 19) Classic popstar 20) Bangin’ rap song 21) Cartoon from #11 22) Drunk food

. M E H T E T A ICS! H P Y R T O R A P M R E U H O LEOTVEMEBTARASSED OR BECOME INFAMOUS. SPIECNS@DTUHESBYLACKSHEEPONLINWEE.CBSOITME! G H OUR G U O R H T R O P P A . R U D O E K & VIA A N T E M G O R .C E O N , I L Y N R O P C E , E LAUGH THEBLACKSH (WAIT, WHAT?)

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