Minnesota - Issue 1 - 9/5/2013

The Black Sheep

furnfree. iture.. like Fra an the l t R d beer eft ow o mo ca ver ve- ns f out ro m s.

Vol. 5, Issue 1

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

9/5/13 - 9/11/13

Notice: THE LIGHT RAIL

IS NEVER OPENING BY: Alexandra Adams Hey there students, it’s Metro Transit here. We thought it would be a kind gesture to alert you all that we will not, under any circumstances, be opening the new light rail. After four years of aggravating, tedious, and incredibly annoying construction, we’ve just decided to throw in the towel.

Hey now friends, don’t be upset. This isn’t really that big of an issue.

Just because it would connect downtown Minneapolis and St. Paul, run conveniently through the U campus, and make it easier to get anywhere ever, doesn’t mean it’s “important” or something.

You guys have done this kind of thing before, right? Like, promised someone you’d do a thing for four years straight and then just as that thing is about to come to fruition yank it out from underneath them in a strikingly unfair turn of fate? Right…? No? Just us?

Metro Transit would like to make it clear that we are in no way sorry about this. We refuse to apologize. You little demons are the reason that we won’t run busses frequently from downtown to campus after 11 p.m. Your drunk asses can take a cab. Do you know how often people vomit in the bus and blame it on poor driving? A lot, that’s how often. In exactly 110% of those instances, the vomit is alcohol-induced. We can tell from not only the liquor clouds surrounding your general person but also because the bus just reeks of flavored Smirnoff.

What we’re saying here is that you don’t really even deserve a light rail. It’s not like you even pay full price to ride the bus. You little brats pay almost nothing for unlimited rides to anywhere, ever. We’re sick of it. The reason that we are calling it quits may primarily be laziness, but “sticking it to the U rats” is a close second.

Honestly, though, we really gave this one our best shot. But it just can’t be done. It’s far too much work. Most of us at Metro Transit just sit on our butts and try to not crash into shit. Clearly we would have needed to borrow some child laborers or illegal immigrants to get this thing built correctly.

We get it. Some of you are mad. Just look at it this way: Metro Transit has just pulled off the longest, most ridiculously expensive troll in the history of the universe. Someone call Guinness please… the beer, not the book. If we wanted to sit around and read we wouldn’t be driving busses, now would we?

So we’re calling it quits on the light rail. It’s just not worth it. Even after we shut down Washington Avenue, a move that some claim killed several local businesses, we just can’t go through with this project.

We’re not sorry about the years of torn-up motorways, aggravating traffic detours, and we’re not sorry about the lack of comprehensive public transportation. Deal with it.

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Etiquette Rules for the Minnesota Socialite

Top 10: Ways to Make a Good Impression

Where to sit in the lecture hall

how to be lady-like in a world of lurid outings and obnoxious tweeting.

First impressions last forever, so learn to do them right or be forever outcast.

Don’t be the obnoxious person who sits at the end of the row.

Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_UMN • theblacksheeponline.com

>> Table of Contents << page 5: Attention Freshmen! >> Here’s how to eliminate those inevitable first day of school anxieties. page 6: On the Streets >> If you had to compete in anything to save the human race from an alien invasion, what would you choose to compete in? page 10: The Black Sheep Interviews: A Moped Bro >> Well, it was more like an interrogation, but we needed some answers. page 11: Are You Smarter than? >> Danielle from Blarney didn’t know which daytime TV personality makes $47 million annually. Do you?

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pages 12-13: The Least Anticipated Albums of Fall 2013 >> From Jack Johnson to Drake, we look at the albums that we probably won’t look at again

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I secretly changed my name to your name,...

... so when I tongue-kiss the mirror we are finally happening.

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#BADTIMESMAN Tweet us your creepiest, most hilarious, most perverted, most raunchy (or all of the above) pick-up lines to @BlackSheep_UMN #BadTimesMan

If yours proves to be the weirdest, you’ll win a prize and be featured in next week’s issue!

Word

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Punchtuate The actual moment a fist meets a face, ending a fight.

“Blake used his fist to punchtuate the fight after he had enough of Robert’s endless shit-talking."

of the

Week Guess The Mascot Tweet Us @BlackSheep_UMN First right answer wins a prize!

Check back next week for this week’s answer!

The Black Sheep

Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved.

Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_UMN and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!

Friendly Chicago blues legend that would weep openly if compared to male Food Network face.

Check back next week for this week’s answer!

read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com

s e l u R e t t e u q Eti

e it l ia c o S a t o s e n in for the M

on By: Gabby VandenAv

d

Talk to any man over the age of 70 and he will tell you that in his heyday he always footed the bill, kissed his mama when he came home from football, and held doors for anyone with a vagina. Tell any woman of the same age how many times you’ve had sex this week and she will glare with judgmental revulsion at your left hand.

stalking maniac, and that’s just your fault for being inappropriate.

To anyone who’s seen Titanic, it is obvious that there were once very different rules for how young people should behave. Although some of these stipulations were rather ridiculous, (you wait to speak ‘til spoken to, bitch) different forms of social etiquette have evolved for today’s society. With the UMN school year here, The Black Sheep feels the need to try and keep you uncouth rapscallions in line….or at least point out the line as you sprint past it. Here’s a simple guide to modern social etiquette.

“There is a 72 hour waiting period before you may like a Facebook post lest run the risk of being pegged as a psychopathic stalking maniac,”

As far as this generation is concerned, all important interactions exist in the world of social media. Understandably, therein lay the most important rules of etiquette. The foremost being that it is not polite to rush home and friend or follow someone moments after meeting them. Instead, rush home, count to eight hundred, eat a box of Junior Mints, watch an episode of Girls, and then send the friend request as fast as your milk chocolate-covered fingers will let you. There is a 72 hour waiting period before you may like a Facebook post lest run the risk of being pegged as a psychopathic

A bathroom mirror pic is acceptable if and only if it is Halloween and your outfit is exceptionally badass. If employed on any other day by anyone who is not a seventh grade Asian girl, prepare thyself for a mass exodus of virtual (and actual) friends.

It is also considered in incredibly bad taste to post “Truth is” statuses because it sends the message that you have nothing better to do than tell everyone else how great they are, when all you really want is someone to tell you how great YOU are. As far as the more frivolous social media sites go (Twitter, Instagram), for the love of God, don’t post pictures of food your diet doesn’t allow you to eat, don’t tweet generic inspirational quotes to yourself, and do not use either one of them while having sex. Nobody needs to hear how good the new Trojan lube is during product testing.

When ordering consumables, especially coffee beverages, it is po-

lite to know how to pronounce what you’re ordering and be ready to order the moment you are asked. If macchiato is too large of a word for you, order a latte. If that’s too difficult, order a mocha.

If that’s too much, you should start drinking straight black coffee because you’ve got a rough life ahead of you.

For the rest of it, do whatever you want. You’re in college. Nobody gives a shit if you eat your salad with the right fork (or if you use a fork at all for that matter), or if you have sex six times a week, or if your lapels are too short. In fact, if you are the kind of person who sees lapels so often that you feel inclined to judge their length, you should really consider if something else in your life is long enough for the world to see. Like your dick.

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Attention Freshmen: Eliminate Your First Day of School Anxieties

The

Top

Ten

Ways to Make a Good First Impression at UMN By: Megan Felz

The University of Minnesota is starting a new school year, and students campus-wide are meeting new people, learning new things, experimenting in the dining halls with new ways to eat soup and build burritos, yadda yadda yadda. The bottom line remains that you want people to like you, or at least have some good stories to tell about you. This can be a tricky path to navigate, but luckily for you, The Black Sheep is here to ensure that your first impression is a good one.

10.) Make a memorable entrance: Do you want to be that kid who arrives ten minutes late on his streamer-laden, light-up Razor scooter, while “Who Let the Dogs Out?” blasts from their circa ‘98 boom box? Yes, yes you do.

9.) Bring your pet: If you bring an animal to class people will inevitably flock to you like six-year-olds to an ice cream truck. People go apeshit over fluffy creatures. Pets are also incredibly fashionable and will make your leopard print pants that much more chic.

8.) Be a superhero: This is the perfect opportunity to bust out the cape you rescued from the Goodwill box and the spandex you found at the dollar store. It’ll also ease you into building alliances with fellow classmates and help convince them to join forces with you.

7.) Bring a hot plate and cook a full meal: Don’t hesitate to bust out that hot plate you smuggled into your dorm room. People have been known to do some crazy stuff for food, like drink pickle juice or play high-stakes Go-Fish, so don’t be afraid to test your limits.

By: Danielle Belisle Freshmen, remember in grade school how on that bright sunny September morning you strolled down the street, lunchbox in one hand, your mom’s or dad’s hand holding the other, as you eased on down to the bus stop…. and then BAM! Tar became your breakfast cereal, because you just ate it.

Whether it was 3rd grade, 6th grade, or even now in college, at some point in your life you have felt a bit anxious about that big first day of class. Throughout your entire young life, desperately keeping up your façade of “coolness” has been priority number one.

After all, making a good first impression is vital.

Sure, elementary, junior high, and high school were tough to navigate at times, but fortunately for you college is a different story. Say adios to awkward lunches with people you barely know discussing things like the weather and how Minnesota only has two seasons: construction and winter.

Instead, say hello to solo lunches, where you can eat independently and think about how so very alone you really are.

As you begin the first day, think of it as a clean slate, a new adventure. If you’re nervous about making new friends, rest assured that you have comfort in numbers.

The U of M has 52,557 students on the Twin Cities campus, so you’re bound to make at least one friend -- unless you’re horrendously socially defective. If you actually turn out friendless, just audition for The X-Factor, because that’s actually an extraordinary talent. Headlines would read

6.) Sit in the front row and watch porn for the whole lecture: It’s nearly impossible for your eyes not to fall into the inescapable vortex known as the “the kid in the front row’s computer screen”. Give the kids in the back row a little somethin’ somethin’ and liven up their day with some viral vaginal intercourse.

something like, “Perplexed S.O.B. Among 50,000 Cannot Make One Friend: See The Phenomenon In Action.” Hey, maybe you couldn’t make a friend in college, but at least you got a multi-million dollar show in Vegas to fill the void.

And while you may have reservations about entering a new school, take comfort in the knowledge you’re not the only one shitting your pants. Worried about awkward encounters? Embrace them. Give the boys a little giggle and a wink when you have an unexpected Marilyn Monroe moment while wearing a dress on a windy day. Sure, you may attract the unwanted attention of a few strange looking engineers, but at least you’ll have your dignity. And who knows? With thousands upon thousands at the U, it is probable that not too many will remember the face of the girl with the pink thong and hips as honest as Shakira’s.

When it is all said and done, college is the place where no one cares what clothes you wear (unless they reek of sorority girl vomit), whom you do or don’t eat lunch with (unless you are on a date with your professor), or whom you choose to be friends with (unless you befriend a friend’s ex, because they will cut you…out of their life…). Sure, there will always be that lamesauce group of people who pretend to thrive on making you feel less about yourself, but as long as you always refuse to buy what they’re selling (figuratively speaking), you’ll be just fine.

You will be more than fine; you will thrive, because you decided to pave a path of your own, even if it involves LARPing.

5.) Offer up the opportunity to engage in illicit activity: Let’s get real; there are few things in this world that bond people together faster than illegality. Whether it be questionable narcotics, joy riding on Goldy’s Segway, or pick-pocketing some Funyuns from CVS, kick off your relationship in a gray legal area.

4.) Use a megaphone to answer any question: Volume is power. Therefore, megaphone is power. By wielding such a commanding force, by association, you will have the power. Whether you’re leading a protest or ordering some pasta, a megaphone ensures the respect of your peers.

3.) Answer every question in Elvish: English is way too mainstream. Make any conversation that much spicier by choosing to only speak in any of the majestic dialects of Elvish. If anything, you’ll be sure to attract a few partners who’ll be more than down for a Lord Of The Rings marathon.

2.) Wear a banana costume: “I want to be friends with the banana kid,” said every person to ever witness such a wardrobe miracle. Science says 9 out of 10 sexual innuendos are immediately less offensive when said while wearing a banana costume.

1.) Be yourself: Let your quirks, body odor, and questionable fetishes run free and you’ll find people who accept you for who you are. You’re 1 in 6.974 billion and nobody can take that away from you. So, when meeting someone for the first time, don’t be afraid to show them who you really are, or send them a picture of koala in a sweater vest, wearing sunglasses.

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Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

on the Streets What late night food did you miss most over summer? nior Erica B., Ju

Something’s getting tapped, am I right?!

“Taco Tuesdays.”

ior Kena P., Sen

“Mesa pizza.”

Junior Andrew C.,

“Mesa. I can’t go to McDonald’s anymore with a clean conscience.”

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Where to sit in the

lecture hall By: Becca Marsnik

Whether you’re an incoming freshman or you’ve been in college since the last time the Gopher football team was conference champions, the first few weeks of class are nerve-wracking. Maybe you’re nervous about passing physics (not happening, sorry) or maybe you’re afraid you’ll get lost and starve to death using the Gopher Way (very possible). Whatever seems to be bothering you, it’s important to relax. Acquainting yourself with the complex science of seat-location can be a great first step in unrustling your new-year jimmies.

In the 300-person, Smith 100-style lectures, you must know no matter where you’re sitting, you must leave at least one seat between you and the stranger next to you. Save two if you can. Communication is unnecessary.

Besides, the only time you’ll ever really need to speak in this class is to say, “I am so not sorry for rubbing my ballsack in your face because you decided to sit at the end of the row even though you were the first one here.”

If the student refuses to make room by moving further down the row, then Minnesota Nice may be immediately revoked. Make aggressive and inappropriate bodily contact as you scoot past their Appleproduct-laden desk chair.

Clearly, large lectures are not an ideal class size. Personal space aside, whether he’s nerding it out with the sciences or talking down to everyone else about his passion for the humanities, the classic nerd will strive for one-on-one time with the professor so he can prove how smart and witty he is. If this is you, fine, whatever. Nab a seat within the first three rows. Any further back and the professor won’t be able to hear your incredible insight. What a shame.

For normal students, sitting up front will be uncomfortable. Being in front means having to back yourself up or actually caring. Since you still need to pass this bad boy because the class is a requirement, your best bet is to sit somewhere in the middle-back of the hall. It’s not too far forward, but not so far back that you’re one of the nomads.

Then there are the nomads, those of you who will maybe show up a couple times all semester and end up sleeping. They scurry around the back, wandering until they find that open seat. Nomads don’t get many options in where they sit. Sometimes it comes down to sitting next to the kid who picks his nose and eats it instead of the kid who farts in his sleep. Either way, they’re usually too tired to care.

Of course, smaller lectures happen too. Remember to adjust for the average-sized lecture, the most common of all class sizes. The one-seat rule still applies whether or not you have a “discuss with your neighbor” professor. If you happen to make a friend you should wait for them to sit by you. Otherwise you risk forever becoming “that stalker in math.”

Now that you’re all set on where to sit on the first day you can focus on more important things, like how the hell you’re going to finish your 700 pages of reading before school starts. You’re on your own for that one, though. Happy studying!

m o c . e n i l n O p e e h S k c a l B GAMES G The IN K IN R PECIALS | D | BAR S ARTICLES

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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

Saturday! 8pm - Close: $4 Bacardi Drinks $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)

TUESDAY! 8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers 8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3 Tequila Shots

MONDAY: Flippin’ Drinks!

Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 9pm - Close

Thursday 9/5

8pm - Close: All you care to drink! $6 Bottomless Domestic Beer, $10 Bottomless Rails and Domestic Beers $1 Orange bombs, $3Jack and Soco

9pm - Close: $3 Coors Light, $3 Long Islands, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am

Karaoke Thursdays! $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 Shots from 10-close.

Friday 9/6

8pm - Close: $4 3 Olives vodka $5 3 Olives Flavored long islands $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)

8pm - Close: $3 Mich. Golden Light Pints $3 Rails, Live Music 10pm - Close $3 Grape Apes, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

Saturday 9/7

8pm - Close: $4 Bacardi Drinks $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)

9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

Sunday 9/8

Closed on Sundays

10am - 2pm: $5 Stack of Pancakes, $4 Bloody Mary’s Screwdrivers 6pm - 11pm: All burgers $6.99 8 - 11pm: Buy any app or dessert get a free pitcher of domestic or lite beer 8-close: $3 Domestic Bottles and $2.50 Rail Drinks

Sunday Funday!

Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close

Monday 9/9

8pm-close: $3 Double Jack, Soco, or Rails, and Bud and Bud Bight Taps $5.00 Bud and Bud Light Pitchers $10.00 Bud and Bud Light Towers.

8pm - Close: $3 Coors Mugs $5 Jameson Gingers All Day Pizza for Pennies!

Buy any large pizza and get the 2nd pizza for $0.99

Flippin' Drinks!

Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 9pm - Close

Tuesday 9/10

8pm-close: $3 U Call Its Rails, Calls,and Every Beer on Tap (items subject to tax)

8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers 8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3 Tequila Shots

Birthday Karaoke Night!

Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf) $3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs $3 Long Island Pints

Wednesday 9/11

8pm - Close: $0.25 Wings w/ Purchase of $8 Wristband College or Military ID: $0.50 wings w/ out ID or Wristband $8 AYCD: Rails, Miller Lite Tap, Bacardi Oakheart $1.50 High life tall boys

8pm - close: $5 for one pound of boneless wings, $2 for 1’s

Wings N Things $0.39 Wings: 4pm - 10pm 2-4-1 Drinks (9-Close)

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Wednesday: No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps, $2 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain $5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight

SPECIAL NIGHT

Military ID Night: Show your military ID for free cover

All Rail & Domestic Beer $1 Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Drag Show: 10pm - 1am

No Cover! $3 Cruzan Run $2 Budweiser Products, $3 Cruzan Rum and Svedka $6 Dozen Wings (7pm-Midnight)

Thursday 9/5

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go Dancers!

Happy Hour: 8am - 2am La Femme: 8pm - 1am Dance Annex: 9pm - 2am

$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)

Friday 9/6

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go Dancers!

Happy Hour: 8am - 2am La Femme: 8pm - 1am Dance Annex: 9pm - 2am

$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)

Saturday 9/7

No Cover!

Inventory Reduction Sunday (IRS) $3 Specials that change every Sunday from 7pm-Close $4 Miller Lite Tall Boys during every Minnesota Pro Baseball game

Sunday 9/8

EVERYDAY: Happy Hour 3-6PM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps

MONDAY: College ID Night!

Free cover with any College ID - old or new!

1/2 Price Bottles of Wine Starting at 5pm Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps

Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-1AM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $2 Sloppy Jacks All Day Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps Taco Tuesdays 5pm-10pm Root City Trio at 9:30pm Happy Hour 3-6PM, 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps

Closed

18+ All Day!

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2-4-1 Drinks (rail & domestic beer) from 9pm to 1am NO COVER! Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Karaoke: 10pm - 2am

NO COVER! Happy Hour Drinks: 3:30pm-Close $3 Domestic Bottles, $3 Rail Drinks, $4 Specialty Bottles, $4 Call Drinks, $5 Top Shelf Drinks $0.35 Wings 8pm-11pm (Dine in only)

Monday 9/9

Ladies Night!

Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!

$2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks, jello shots, 2 tacos) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

No Cover!

Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong $2 Budweiser Products and Well Drinks $3 Heineken, Heineken Light, Amstel Light & Dos Equis Bottles 7pm-midnight $5 Mini Burger Platter (7pm-11pm)

Tuesday 9/10

18+ (21+ no cover, 18-20 $5 cover) $3 Domestic Beers and Rail Drinks, $3.75 Heineken Happy Hour: 8am - 2am

No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps $2 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain $5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight

Wednesday 9/11

$2 Half Pound Burgers 5-10pm Amateur Night: Watch your sexy Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: coeds on stage for the first time compete for $200! $2 Select Beers & Drinks Contest Starts - Open to all Ladies 1/2 Price Select Apps

read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com

The black sheep interviews: By: black sheep staff The Black Sheep recently had the chance to cover a very serious issue. An issue you may not have been aware of. It’s Moped Bros. They’ve had it with societal condemnation. A young man should be able to have a totally sweet time on the back of his bro’s sick moped without fear of being judged. But nothing’s being done to quell this aforementioned judgment, and one brave, young man has had enough. He agreed to an interview with The Black Sheep to make aware the plight of the Moped Bros., and we couldn’t be more thrilled. In this interview, he will remain anonymous, of course. But we will say his name rhymes with…Bravis.

The Black Sheep: Hey, [redacted]. How’ve you been?

Anonymous Moped Bro: I’ve been doing pretty good. Really, just a great week all around. This room smells kinda funny, though.

some moped bros.

TBS: Uh-huh. And how does that make you feel?

AMB: Huh? TBS: Do you feel subjugated? Patronized by society? You must be so ashamed.

AMB: What?

TBS: It’s okay. You have nothing to be afraid of.

You’re not alone anymore.

AMB: Guy, I don’t know what you’re talking about.

TBS: Well, I can see that the subject is a bit… personal for you. That’s fine. It’s perfectly normal to be defensive at a time like this. Let’s move on.

When did you realize you were a Moped Bro? AMB: I’m still not totally sure what that means.

TBS: That’s great. So, [redacted], let’s get to brass tacks. What exactly is a “Moped Bro” to you?

AMB: Excuse me?

TBS: It means the injustice being directed towards you is pungent. We’re not going to stand for that. We’re here to help.

AMB: I don’t want your help. I want to get out of here. Get this light out of my face.

TBS: The term “Moped Bro.” Does it resonate with you?

AMB: I mean, like, sometimes my friend, [redacted], gives me a ride to school on his moped, if that’s what you mean. He drives; I ride in the back. We do it to save on a bit of gas. What are we doing here?

TBS: Wait, [redacted]! We need you for this. There are so many out there just like you. They need you; someone to stand up for them! If you don’t stop this madness, who will?

AMB: Again, I’m still not clear on what the “madness” is.

TBS: Why, the subjugation and objectification of Moped Bros.! Surely that’s why you agreed to this interview. To help put a stop to it.

AMB: I thought this was a sleep study.

TBS: We’ll get to that later.

AMB: I just want to go home.

TBS: I think you’ll find that quite difficult with the thrice locked door.

AMB: What?

TBS: And the room being windowless and all.

AMB: Oh, my god. You’re actually insane.

TBS: Hey! Don’t you judge me! I bust my ass trying to help you and your kind and this is the thanks I get? The goddamn stink-eye?

AMB: Dude, you’re scaring me.

TBS: You’re damn right I am. This is Bad Cop. Want me to go back to Good?

AMB: Look, guy, I’m sure you’re super chill and all, but…I think there’s a bit of a misunderstanding here.

TBS: What’s to misunderstand? You’re a bro and also you ride on a moped with your bro. You’re a Moped Bro. AMB: Yeah, but…I guess I didn’t really think about –

TBS: I will flay you!

AMB: Jesus, man!

TBS: Sorry, went back to Bad way too quickly.

AMB: Really, I just want to go home.

TBS: But…I can’t go back to HQ with nothing.

They might actually flay me.

AMB: Well, I’m really sorry man – TBS: Just… give me a quote. Give me something!

AMB: Uh, leave the Moped Bros. alone?

There you have it folks, right from the mouth of our anonymous source. Your assortment of apathy and contempt for the Moped Bros. is literally killing them.

This problem ends with you. Please, let the Moped Bros. go.

Are You Smarter

than?

1) Summer News: NSA leaker Edward Snowden spent several weeks holed up in the international terminal of an airport in what city?

2) Geography: Name one country that has territory on the Yucatan Peninsula.

3) Human Sexuality: Hot flashes are most closely associated with this sexual phenomenon.

4) Television: Who is daytime TV’s highest earner, raking in $47 million annually?

5) History: Mao Zedong and Chiang Kaishek were the leaders of opposing sides in what conflict?

Danielle of Blarney

6) Math: What is 2x6x5/3-8+(-1)?

7) Biology: This part of the eye is responsible for controlling the diameter of the pupil.

8) Religion: In Christianity, who was the disciple that did not believe Jesus had risen from the dead?

9) Video Games: What original NES platform Mario game is the only one not to feature Bowser?

10) Internet Memes: What actor is featured in the “One does not simply…” meme?

Danielles’ Answers

Correct Answers

1) Minneapolis • 2) I don’t know 3) Orgasm • 4) Oprah 5) Chinese Civil War • 6) 11 • 7) Retina 8) Peter • 9) Super Mario Brothers 10) Viggo Mortensen

1) Moscow • 2) Mexico, Belize or Guatemala.

3) Menopause • 4) Judge Judy 5) Chinese Civil War • 6) 11 7) Iris • 8) Thomas 9) Super Mario Bros. 2 • 10) Sean Bean

Danielle’s Score: 2 out of 10 (wah wah)

Recipe for disaster

Drinking Game Liar's Dice

Big Boy Chili

We all lie, whether it’s to our parents as to why we’re so tired, or to our friends, as to why making out with that uggo was a totally reasonable thing to do. Translate that love for deceit into a game of gambling: Liar’s Dice.

It’s football season, bitches. If you’re not out standing in the stadium, cheering on your team like a MAN, then you better be inside in front of the TV with a six pack and a tub of chili. Oh, no chili? We got you covered.

What You’ll Need: Six dice per player, one opaque cup per player, some beer.

Number of Players: 2+ Level of Intoxication: You’ll be asking what’s the haps on the craps (in your pants).

What You’ll Need: Oil, a crockpot, a frying pan, ground beef, a can of diced tomatoes, 4 cans of kidney beans, a can of tomato paste, chopped onions, a can of beef broth, chili powder, sliced hot dogs, brown sugar and garlic Cook Time: About 3 hours, be patient Fatty Factor: MEN DON’T COUNT CALORIES

How to Play: • The object of the game is to be the last player with any dice left.

• Each player rolls a die. The highest score will be the first person to act for the first hand. Each hand first to act rotates left of this person.

• Now, each player uses the cup to shake up his or her dice. Each player places the cup top-down on the table. Each player secretly looks at his dice. Twos through sixes are worth face value. Ones are wild.

• The first player to act must make a bet on the number and quantity of the total dice on the table.

For example, a bettor can claim “there are four sixes at the table.”

• The player to the left of the first bettor may do one of three things: • Increase the number of total dice on the table (raising four sixes to seven sixes, for example).

• Increase the dice value (Raise three twos to three threes).

• Challenge (Stop play, dice are revealed to see if the most recent bettor wins or loses).

• If a challenge occurs and there are equal or greater numbers of dice on the table than the last bettor (including wilds), he or she wins. If there is less than the total number of gambled dice on the table, the challenger wins.

• The loser removes a die and drinks for three seconds.

The Game Ends When: Only one player has any dice left.

Let’s Get Baked: • In the frying pan, break up and cook the ground beef in a little oil until it is browned.

• Turn on your crockpot to medium heat and add in the beef and hot dog slices with the tomatoes, tomato paste, half of your beans and beef broth.

• Cover the pot and let the chili simmer for about an hour.

• Add in the remainder of ingredients (the other half of the beans, onion, chili powder, brown sugar and garlic) and continue to let the chili cook on the low setting, covered for another hour and half.

• Taste test! Make sure it’s hot and flavored nicely. If not, make the adjustments.

YOU BETTER HAVE YOUR WOMAN MAKE THIS FOR YOU.

Great, you won. Now head to confession, sinner.

download our free app for all the games!

nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com 11

The Least-Anticipated 2013 has been a fantastic year for music. With great new releases from Youth Lagoon, Chance The Rapper, Vampire Weekend, Pity Sex, Major Lazer and The World is a Beautiful Place & I am no Longer Afraid to Die, you would hope the final third of this year of our lord has something great in store.

Hall of Fame Big Sean - August 27th Big Sean is a hack who pairs a massive ego with miniscule rhymes. Dude raps like he has a mouth full of wind chimes and his best song has a Nicki Minaj verse on it. Big Sean is on that CyHi level on G.O.O.D Music where you just wonder why the hell Ye’ still keeps him on there, but at least CyHi has “Ray-Ban Vision” and his verse on “So Appalled.” Big Sean’s claim to fame is the phrase “ass quake.” Next time someone tells you that the Detroit mixtape is one of the best albums of 2012, break their jaw.

Big Sean thinks his verse on “Control” (which won’t even be on the album) was better than Kendrick’s or Jay Electronica’s because Big Sean is the EXACT type of pompous jackass who would read how much praise someone besides him is getting on a song he’s on, jealous about the pub, then he says he’s better. He’s the guy who not only will jump off the bridge if everyone else is doing it, but he’ll jump off the Ambassador Bridge, claim that it was cooler than everyone else who jumped off the Golden Gate, and say that anyone who disagrees is a hater.

Prediction: Certified Platinum

Speaking of taking a plunge, Big Sean needs to find a void to fall in, never to return to plague us with rhymes as lame as “Now we out in Paris, yeah I'm Perriering / White girls politicking, that's that Sarah Palin.” Every day, nursing home geriatrics take shits hotter than the best Big Sean verse out there. This album is going to absolutely suck, yet will go platinum, making it a commercial success but an absolute waste of musical talent surrounding Sean Michael Anderson. Not even production from arguably the hottest producer out right now in Hit-Boy, who created the beat for “Goldie,” “N***s in Paris,” and “Clique,” can save Big Sean from audibly tripping over his own feet trying to pronounce a word with more than two syllables.

From Here to Now to You Jack Johnson - (September 17th) Everyone listening to this album will be too stoned or too stupid to realize that Jack Johnson is the worst. Every single Jack Johnson song sounds the same. That sentiment gets used often in music, but never has it been quite so apt. Seriously, go put on Jack Johnson Radio on Pandora or something and try to figure out when one song ends and another begins. We’ll wait. Oh you fell asleep already? Sorry about that.

We need another Jack Johnson album like we need another Olive Garden. The parallells between the two are eerie. There are already plenty, and they're all perfectly mediocre and should never be utilized by sentient beings, yet there’ll always be someone convinced to go back for the breadsticks. Or something like that. The next album has just about zero chance to be any different. If Jack Johnson suddenly becomes something other than generic shitty stoner guitar music, it would cause a rip in the space-time continuum, letting in massive terrifying, spliffed monsters that would demand all of our couches and all of our Cheetos. If he drops something that’s not bland guitar and soft vocals, we’d be more frightened than impressed. Expect more of the same, unfortunately. Maybe he will just re-release “Banana Pancakes” and stretch it for like 45 minutes. That’s probably better than whatever this will be.

Prediction: Certified OG Kush

Albums of Fall 2013 Unfortunately, you would be wrong, as there is plenty of music scheduled to be released that is sure to be nothing short of an atrocity.

Here are the five albums I’m least excited for in the Fall of 2013. By: Noel Purcell

Nothing Was the Same Drake - September 24th

This Is...Icona Pop Icona Pop - September 24th

Untitled Fourth Studio Album

Stupid Drake. He still has that same monotone drawl that lulls you to sleep, and that same boring, lazy flow that makes him perfect in every generic white girl’s sex playlist on Spotify, nestled in between The Weeknd and “Burn” by Usher. The evolution of Drake has been commercial rather than musical, because in the end he is still exactly what he was when Best I Ever Had dropped in 2009: a soft, shitty, whiny fuckboy.

Man, “I Love It” was a fun song for like ten minutes, wasn’t it? It started getting serious play after being featured on episodes of both Snooki & JWoww and Girls, which is as bad of an omen as there is. It was catchy and fun and easy; it was basically the perfect piece of pop music.

Then you heard it another fifty times, and after a while a chorus of sorority girls screaming “I DON’T CARE, I LOVE IT!” and hounding you to change the song for three hours haunts your dreams and you wake up in a cold sweat, longing for the days where you could just say “sorry we don’t have the CD burned for it yet.” This is a song whose single release, in various formats, has produced no less than 21 different remixes. 21. Talk about sucking the fat teat of fame dry.

There is no more boring, yet more universally praised album in 2010 than The Suburbs. “But it won a Grammy!” you say as we laugh in your face because using a Grammy as a measuring stick for the merit of a piece of music is like using the 30-inch rims on a guy’s Escalade as a measurement for his dick size. Remember, LMFAO has two Grammy nominations. Cut it out.

Between the overrated, overstated, and wholly underwhelming cryfest that is Take Care and the absolute trainwreck that is “Started From the Bottom” (a song so soft that white bread suburban teenagers sipping bottles of Moet poolside while the maids clean the house took to it like ducks to water) the odds that we end up with anything more than a Charmin Ultra Soft disc’s worth of music is merely wishful thinking. The album covers don’t bode well for this thing not sucking. That shit looks like what you’d get if you told someone to make a Drake album cover specifically designed to make fun of the other Drake album covers. He took the Nas/Biggie/Weezy route of the baby picture and then, in classic Drake fashion, made it the absolute softest and most uncool shit humanly possible, but 17-year old white girls will be all “Oh my god he’s so sensitive, this is what all hip-hop should be” while they finger themselves to pictures of Matthew McConaughey, watch Gilmore Girls, and search Pinterest to design their dream wedding.

Drake has officially earned the crown of the lamest rapper on the planet.

Prediction: Certified Double Platinum

Icona Pop is perfectly harmless as a synthpop duo, which is exactly why we’re not anticipating this album’s release.

They say they’re trying new things and that it “Won’t be an album of 16 songs like ‘I Love It’,” which is exactly where they are messing up. True, they caught lightning in a bottle, and true Charli XCX (who was the reason “I Love It” was as successful as it was) is not a permanent member of the band, but if you can make quality, catchy pop music, stick to it. In the end they can either end up as a generic one-hit wonder that more or less encapsulated the spring of 2013, try something new and probably fail, or they stick to their strategy make another successful, catchy pop song. They don’t seem to want to do the last one, so this album will be the beginning of perpetual dissatisfaction for the entirety of the life of this band.

Prediction: Silver Record

Arcade Fire - Oct. 29th

Now, there are plenty of reasons one should be anticipating this album. LCD Soundsystem’s James Murphy has been in the studio with Arcade Fire, recording them in his DFA studio! Funeral was really good! Win Butler does cool things with his hair! Wrong, oh so wrong.

Pouring hype into this album will just leave you utterly disappointed when you hear 22 songs that sound like “We Used to Wait,” causing you to give up all hope in what you used to call indie music. Before you know it you’ll start listening to Lady Gaga religiously. Arcade Fire is the go-to “real” band for faux hipster girls who like to wear Indian headdresses and roll at MGMT concerts.

It takes a lot to make Wayne Coyne think you’re an asshole, and these guys found a way. Enjoy what will surely be a universally-panned, yet ultimately completely mediocre piece of profitable “indie” rock, while you pretend you know who Brian Eno is. This album is going to eat a dick.

Prediction: Certified Platinum

spot the difference

Can you find the 10 differences in this tailgating scene?

Send your answers to classtime@theblacksheeponline.com - the first right answer gets a prize!

madlib

Meeting Your roommate’s parents

Well we tried to be responsible, but like most things at

___1___, drinking just sort of happened. We were only going to have a glass of ___2___ (on the rocks, of course), sit on the porch and listen to ___3___ and chat about ___4___’s weight gain, because GROSS.

and throw a party. Only ___13___ showed up, but that second keg was necessary. Hobo ___14___ showed up and he brought ___15___ for us. Tom from ___16___ came by and even did a ___17___-second keg stand! I got my ass kicked in ___18___ by ___19___, who ended up passing out on our couch.

But then we saw ___5___ walk by with a ___6___ in her hand, and she decided to sit down with us and have a drink. When we started to get tipsy, my roommate went inside to get ___7___ to sober us up… but came out with her ___8___ shot glasses she smuggled from ___9___ on her “___10___” study abroad trip and a bottle of ___11___ vodka.

Overall it was a very successful night, but when my roommate’s parents showed up, she wasn’t even here. Luckily they were chill with eating cold leftover pizza and sipping on last night’s leftover keg. Mr. ___20___ can sure put them back! When my roommate came back she reeked of ___21___ and looked like ___22___’s little sister. They then all left and went to the bar. Then ___23___ got it on in the kitchen! Such a ___24___ After that was killed, the next natural step was to get a keg of ___12___ time!

1: Your university 2: Liquor 3: 90s pop star 4: Recent celebrity 5: Wacky friend 6: Malt liquor 7: Type of lunch meat

8: Body part 9: Sketchy country 10: Overused synonym for good 11: Exotic fruit 12: Shitty beer 13: The current time

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Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers Questions info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com Hate Us? lame@theblacksheeponline.com

14: Average dude’s name 15: Drug 16: Local pizza place 17: Your birthday 18: Drinking game 19: Local athletic celebrity

20: Your roommate’s last name 21: Men’s cologne 22: Trashy celebrity 23: Same as #19 24: Same as #10

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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking.

This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication.

Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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