The Black Sheep
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Vol. 5, Issue 2
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Memo:
9/12/13 - 9/18/13
Rec Center to undergo further improvements
BY: Jake Sorensen Dear University Faculty and Staff, As you may well have noticed, over the summer, the Wellness and Recreation Center here at the University of Minnesota underwent a sizeable renovation. Amid a new addition, new equipment, and hand scanners straight out of the twenty-third century, we here at UMN Fitness consider our efforts to be a huge success and have been overjoyed to see the teeming population of Zumba dancers and swoll frat boys filling our space nearly every hour we operate. Because of the student body’s overwhelmingly positive response to the new rec, we’d like to inform you today that we are beginning the preliminary preparations to further sire the art of exercising into the modern age. Every idea we have pitched to our focus groups so far has resulted in a literal explosion of their brain cavities from sheer amazement. We’re not fucking around here. By the time these ideas come to fruition, you will be wondering where William Shatner is hiding, because it’s going to be like the goddamn U.S.S. Enterprise up in this bitch. You think we’re joking, but we mean it. Through the diligent and completely voluntary research of our crack team of physics undergraduates, the Rec Center has successfully patented the algorithm that allows for successful teleportation, or “beaming,” to become possible. Who has time to walk the fifteen feet from free weights to treadmill? We understand your time is precious, and we want to make sure the effort of hauling your tired ass out of bed at 7 in the morning is not wasted by the unnecessary strain of transitioning between equipment, or even entirely different floors. And with an 86% accuracy rate, we can guarantee as few as 30 customers will materialize inside a wall or through someone’s colon. Aside from unlocking the secrets of subatomic particle travel, our pet physicists have also taken it upon themselves to line every inch of our facilities with anti-gravity panels. Though a meticulous and quote “irresponsibly” dangerous proposition, once completed, a fully three dimensional workout environment will be accessible to everyone. All the weight benches are taken? No problem, simply levitate off the ground in full air-supported comfort while you strengthen those glistening pectorals. Hate the congestion of the track during those bitter winter months? With anti-grav, you can run above your fellow health nuts in unimpeded solitude; while readily able to sneak a peek down a multitude of women’s sports bras. We think that privilege is worth rift in the fabric of space-time we may or may not be tearing.
We hope this taste of what we have in store for the new rec excites you as much it excites us. By next year, assuming our ritual sacrifice goes off without a hitch, we will be able to summon Keldsyrto’llnok, Devourer of Sincerity, and personal trainer to Beelzebub the Fallen, his Wickedness, Lord Satan of the Seventh Circle of Hell, to offer his services to our patrons, and divulge his alluring and terrible secrets to obtaining an eternal six pack (souls may or may not be subject to being ripped from their
hosts as payment). Be sure to subscribe to our newsletter for any further developments, and if anyone has seen engineering student Joseph Loring, please kindly return him to the front desk. He is not scheduled a reprieve from his duties for another 6 years. That is all for now. Sincerely, UMN Wellness and Recreation
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Field Guide: UMN Student
Things They Never Told You About Being a Freshman
How to Create a Hypothetical Business
Top 10 ways to prep better for Ma and Pa’s surprise visits.
Care for and nurture that drunken brain child you forget every week.
have a firm, taxonomic grasp of the Golden Gopher’s animalistic quirks.
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Meet the Staff <<
Campus manager Liandra Sy
Campus director Brendan Bonham
Editorial manager Jake Sorensen
owner Atish Doshi
Advertising Managers Ryan Betz
Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
Writers Alexandra Adams Becca Marsnik, Gabby Vanden Avond Jake Sorensen, Megan Felz Danielle Bellisle distribution manager Matthew Pitts
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Field guild:
By: Megan Felz
t n e d u St ta so e n in M f o y t si r e Univ The life of a University of Minnesota student, a species that has baffled scientists and McDonald’s employees for years, is certainly a mystifying one. At times respectably studious, at others drunken and obstinate, researchers have spent decades trying to gather accurate reports on the singular form of life that busily buzzes between University and Riverside Avenues. In celebration of its 17th Anniversary, the folks at Animal Planet have partnered with The Black Sheep to provide the world with its first detailed taxonomic report on that which has eluded scientists for so long. Presented for your education, a humble field guide, to the UMN student. Setting: You enter into the outback, known colloquially as the Twin Cities, and are immediately struck by the abundance of over-priced housing and Asian restaurants. Bicyclists speed by as Mesa Pizza delivery cars follow. Deeper into campus, across the Washington Avenue Bridge, a quirky man in a top hat playing the accordion can be found, inspiring passersby to stop to do a little polka dance. Just then, one Goldy the Gopher cruises by on his Segway and you think about hopping on, but opt instead to take a picture with the guy dressed up as Gandalf. Habitat: It would appear as though you’ve stumbled into an alternate reality. The people here are well equipped for the weather, which some have equated to the temperature at which they flash freeze Dippin’ Dots. Though many reside in practical — if expensive— housing structures, some have even been seen temporarily bunking down in a select conglomeration of shrubbery depending
on the past evening’s endeavors. Basic cable and wi-fi appear to be hot commodities, along with hot plates and frozen waffles. Diet: As you further examine the lives of these subjects, you notice peculiar habits in regard to finding sustenance. Food staples such as a medley of hot dishes and casseroles, chocolate-covered bacon, and oodles of Easy Mac have been spotted. When seeking hydration, this species gallivants to the nearest source of alcohol, places which serve as social watering holes. After 0200 hours there appears to be a stark shift in diet, as the copious amounts of alcohol and contraband substances have taken their course and the population frolics to the nearest restaurant to carb load on macaroni & cheese pizza.
“Only one thing can be certain: the University of Minnesota student is a complex soup of frost bitten hormones, alcohol, and hipster feed.” Mating: Libido here is vigorous with testosterone and estrogen levels rivaling that of any Jason Statham movie or an episode of Project Runway. Mating rituals involving late night hockey games and perilous journeys to the scenic Tate Lab roof top have been noted. In later hours, Patrick Swayze-esque dancing becomes more rampant and “the drank” becomes more plentiful. In a flash, it culminates in a
coital explosion that would have the proprietors of SexWorld drooling with desire and Planned Parenthood at the ready. Survival Skills: Life is resilient here on campus. No obstacle is too daunting for these students. Whether it’s fleeing a party broken up by the cops at the 17th Avenue Hall or finding a way to carry your friend who passed out in the corner to shelter, these individuals have a remarkable drive to preserve their own and others’ wellbeing. At least until the following weekend. Reflecting the information provided, if only one thing can be certain, it is this: the University of Minnesota student is a complex soup of frost bitten hormones, alcohol, and hipster feed. Is that a good thing? Perhaps science may tell us someday.
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So, That Girl You’re Talking To is Totally Nuts
The
Top
Ten
Things They Never Told You About Being a Freshman By: Alexandra Adams
10.) Parents Visit, Embarrassingly: Jesus H. Pants, how were you to know it’d be this bad? Whenever they drive up you find yourself begging: “Seriously, Mom, I don’t need any more ointment! Dammit, Dad. Dad. Dad! Stop waving that box of condoms around!” 9.) You Can Skip Most of Your Lectures: “Your professors can see your attendance,” True. “They really care about who shows up.” Less true. “They’ll drop you from their course based on it.” All kinds of false. Maybe this happened once. Maybe. Just show up for some of your lectures and you’ll be golden like Ponyboy. 8.) Learn Not to Drink Like a High Schooler… NOW: Put down the Captain Morgan and walk away slowly. Also, vodka and diet anything will make you look young. You have to start drinking like you’re twenty one. Does someone of age walk into a bar and order a shot of raspberry Smirnoff? Never. Unless it’s her bachelorette party. 7.) Your T.A. is “Not” Allowed to Hook Up With You: T.A./student hook-ups are no small occurrence. Apparently it happens every year, whether for personal or academic gratification. Sure it’s unethical, but damn it, O Chem is impossible. On the bright side, you’re becoming friends someone who can buy you booze. 6.) The First Week will be Hot and Miserable: It’s pretty difficult to get pumped for college when you’re sitting in your dorm room and it feels like you should be in a Nelly video, not to mention the fact that you’re constantly dragging all about campus like a dying camel. It’s even more difficult when the heat index is 120 and you have sad, pale, Norwegian skin. 5.) Jungle Juice is a Thing: Don’t drink it. Just don’t.
By: Gabby VandenAvond If you don’t live under a rock and are not a member of CSC, you’ve been a part of social interactions involving the opposite sex. On these social endeavors one falls witness to various social crimes, one being the shameless and unabashed wearing down of young men’s souls by a select few young, alluring,(and completely brainless) women. These poor men—nay, boys—either don’t realize the signs of a psychotic girl or have a penchant for doting on horrible women; it needs to stop. There are too many sweet guys getting their nuts ripped off by the Medusas of the college social scene. Know the facts, gentlemen, and you can prevent forest fires… or unwanted emotional castration. Spotting the nuances in personality is important because there is a distinct difference between being overeager and being friendly. Being overeager includes, but is not limited to: telling you where her parakeet is buried, how bad her cramps are, what kind of freezer bags she buys, which member of One Direction she thinks she would have the cutest babies with, what kind of gasoline she likes to sniff, how long it’s been since her daddy left, etc. The easiest way to spot the insanity is in the face. If she holds her eyes wide open during the entire conversation she may actually be an African Wombat, or she’s trying too hard to look interested, which means she’s terribly bored. If she smiles with all of her teeth to the point where you aren’t sure if she’s grinning or about to disappear like the Cheshire Cat, she has the same problem. Being friendly only includes a laugh when you
4.) Don’t Go to Parties With a Horde of Freshmen: Some chick from your hall informs you that there will be a “bitchin’ house party” in Dinky tonight. So you figure, why not get out there, get wasted, and maybe even get some? Because it’s a terrible idea to go to a party that all the freshmen know about. Do you want to be in a jail packed from wall to wall with idiots? How about contract conjunctivitis? No? Then use better judgment.
say something that is intentionally funny, and a convo with a general sense of detachment. If she doesn’t walk away, she’s probably interested. If she declares her unyielding love for Glee and demands that you watch every episode consecutively this very instant, she’s too interested. The signs of crazy become clearer the longer you spend with the girl. After a while you may notice behavioral ticks such as obsessive and aggressive chewing of gum, darting eyes, cold sweats, and inappropriate outbursts of Harry Potter quotes. If you observe one of these behaviors in your conversation partner, congratulations! You have successfully wasted your time on a psychopath who will eventually train her dogs to track your scent, or who will use your Facebook picture to determine what your future kids will look like on one of those creepy websites. What’s more is the alluring girl in the corner has been scooped up by that guy who plays the guitar with more angst than Avril Lavigne, and they are going to go home and have really artsy sex. Assuming you’d like to preserve the integrity of your evening, you’ll want to exit as swiftly as possible. Widen your eyes, get very close to her face and say, “They are coming.” Then every time you are near her for the rest of the evening, look just over her head as if there is something hanging above her. It’ll work because remember, the bitch be cray cray. Never lose hope though. And don’t let one loon get you down. You just have to weed through a few Miley Cyruses to get to the Jennifer Lawrences. The angsty guitar player says it’s totally worth it.
3.) Nighttime Dinkytown = Drunken Foodcourt Apocalypse: Beware of the mindless eating machines. Unless you have a real tolerance for people with lack of motor skills and motivation, don’t go show your face. It’s basically The Walking Dead out there. 2.) Your CA is Actually There to Help You: They may come on a little strong, but if you’re not being disruptive or obvious, they won’t get you in trouble. Go ahead, lock your door and play a little game of Tour de Franzia. As long as no one is blasting KE$HA or screaming like an ass-hat, you’re probably good. A CA’s main job is helping you have a nice first year. So if you feel down, or lost, or some pussy shit like that, just go talk to your CA. A Community Advisor’s job is to advise the community. Shocking. 1.) You’re Going to Be OK: So, “OK” is a strong word. Surviving the first couple weeks of dank, sweaty kindergarten may be slightly more emotionally taxing than previously intended, but at least you met a bunch of people and are less likely to secretly cry under your covers whilst binge eat Pop-Tarts. Good for you.
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Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
on the Streets If you could have any mythical creature as a pet, which one would you choose? man Sean, Fresh
“Lady Rainicorn.”
r Aimee, Junio
“Trogdor, the Burninator.”
ior Tiffany, Jun
“A leprechaun!”
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Breaking News:
Area Man’s Underwhelming Life Affected by the Coming Out of Many Lesser Known Celebrities By: Black Sheep Staff Recent reports indicate that celebs such as Wentworth Miller, the star of Prison Break; Zachary Quinto, Spock in the Star Trek film; and WWE wrestler Darren Young have come out loud and proud as gay men, confirming in the minds of millions of Confederate supporters, religious leaders, and a fair amount of truck drivers that the gays are conquering America. To the dismay of Charlie Sheen and right-wingers everywhere, one area man revealed to our informants that “Honestly, instead of hearing about some gay dude whom I wouldn’t know is a celebrity unless someone told me, at the end of the day, I would rather just take a bubble bath and find something new to pulse in my food processor.”
“...at the end of the day, I would rather just take a bubble bath and find something new to pulse in my food processor.” Sources confirmed that the area man is a twenty-something data entry specialist straight out of college who lives by himself in a two bedroom apartment, and who is surprisingly okay with his life. The coming out of many celebs has given the area man very little to think about.
Earlier this month, he released a statement to reporters indicating he neither plans on becoming an advocate for LGBT communities nor for anti-gay rights. While many have found the area man’s apathy utterly appalling, he fails to waiver and wishes to continue living a normal life. The area man recently agreed to let a select few reporters shadow him in order to better understand how the average American male has reacted to this new influx of gay C-list celebrities. One reporter stated that the full impact of publicly coming-out-of-the-closet gay celebrities must have been lost on the area man, since he blankly listened to talk radio that briefly discussed the topic and then proceeded to make a turkey sandwich and walk his dog, Mr. McFluffers. Another reporter made a similar observation that it’s as if the area man’s life hasn’t been affected at all by this news as he continues his hobbies of assembling model airplanes and frequenting local dive bars with the IT guys from the seventh floor of his work building. “It’s really baffling.” one neighbor commented with a shocked disposition, “It’s like the sexuality of others has no bearing on his daily life. He just continues to use his panini press like it’s no big deal, and, guuurl, doesn’t he know the gays invented the panini press?” The neighbor continued to reveal his sneaking suspicion that the area man may in fact himself be gay stating, “I have never seen him with a woman. I don’t think he even wants to be with a woman sexually, and, ew, like who would?” When confronted about his sexuality, the area man
claimed to be straight just “not interested in dating right now.” While the local area man may continue to carry out his days in unaltered solitude, celebrities all across the US are now in with the gays. In whatever way the daily lives of Americans have been affected by this startling wave of new age gays, one thing is certain: women are a thing of the past. Gone are the days of moms having maternity leaves lasting longer than the time they spent in college finding a husband before promptly dropping out, and in are the days of gay parents adopting the children of Ecuador, Guatemala, and the Philippines and generally sticking it to the straights everywhere.
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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
Saturday! 8pm - Close: $4 Bacardi Drinks $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)
TUESDAY! 8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers 8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3 Tequila Shots
MONDAY: Flippin’ Drinks! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 9pm - Close
Thursday 9/12
8pm - Close: All you care to drink! $6 Bottomless Domestic Beer, $10 Bottomless Rails and Domestic Beers $1 Orange bombs, $3Jack and Soco
9pm - Close: $3 Coors Light, $3 Long Islands, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
Karaoke Thursdays! $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 Shots from 10-close.
Friday 9/13
8pm - Close: $4 3 Olives vodka $5 3 Olives Flavored long islands $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)
8pm - Close: $3 Mich. Golden Light Pints $3 Rails, Live Music 10pm - Close $3 Grape Apes, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close
Saturday 9/14
8pm - Close: $4 Bacardi Drinks $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)
9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close
Sunday 9/15
Closed on Sundays
10am - 2pm: $5 Stack of Pancakes, $4 Bloody Mary’s Screwdrivers 6pm - 11pm: All burgers $6.99 8 - 11pm: Buy any app or dessert get a free pitcher of domestic or lite beer 8-close: $3 Domestic Bottles and $2.50 Rail Drinks
Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close
Monday 9/16
8pm-close: $3 Double Jack, Soco, or Rails, and Bud and Bud Bight Taps $5.00 Bud and Bud Light Pitchers $10.00 Bud and Bud Light Towers.
8pm - Close: $3 Coors Mugs $5 Jameson Gingers All Day Pizza for Pennies! Buy any large pizza and get the 2nd pizza for $0.99
Flippin' Drinks! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 9pm - Close
Tuesday 9/17
8pm-close: $3 U Call Its Rails, Calls,and Every Beer on Tap (items subject to tax)
8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers 8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3 Tequila Shots
Birthday Karaoke Night! Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf) $3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs $3 Long Island Pints
Wednesday 9/18
8pm - Close: $0.25 Wings w/ Purchase of $8 Wristband College or Military ID: $0.50 wings w/ out ID or Wristband $8 AYCD: Rails, Miller Lite Tap, Bacardi Oakheart $1.50 High life tall boys
8pm - close: $5 for one pound of boneless wings, $2 for 1’s
Wings N Things $0.39 Wings: 4pm - 10pm 2-4-1 Drinks (9-Close)
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WEDNESDAY: Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the first time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to all Ladies
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Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-1AM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $2 Sloppy Jacks All Day Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps Taco Tuesdays 5pm-10pm Root City Trio at 9:30pm Happy Hour 3-6PM, 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps
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All Rail & Domestic Beer $1 Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Drag Show: 10pm - 1am
No Cover! $3 Cruzan Run $2 Budweiser Products, $3 Cruzan Rum and Svedka $6 Dozen Wings (7pm-Midnight)
Thursday 9/12
Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close
Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go Dancers! Happy Hour: 8am - 2am La Femme: 8pm - 1am Dance Annex: 9pm - 2am
$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)
Friday 9/13
Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close
Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go Dancers! Happy Hour: 8am - 2am La Femme: 8pm - 1am Dance Annex: 9pm - 2am
$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)
Saturday 9/14
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Sunday 9/15
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2-4-1 Drinks (rail & domestic beer) from 9pm to 1am NO COVER! Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Karaoke: 10pm - 2am
NO COVER! Happy Hour Drinks: 3:30pm-Close $3 Domestic Bottles, $3 Rail Drinks, $4 Specialty Bottles, $4 Call Drinks, $5 Top Shelf Drinks $0.35 Wings 8pm-11pm (Dine in only)
Monday 9/16
Ladies Night! Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!
$2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks, jello shots, 2 tacos) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am
No Cover! Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong $2 Budweiser Products and Well Drinks $3 Heineken, Heineken Light, Amstel Light & Dos Equis Bottles 7pm-midnight $5 Mini Burger Platter (7pm-11pm)
Tuesday 9/17
18+ (21+ no cover, 18-20 $5 cover) $3 Domestic Beers and Rail Drinks, $3.75 Heineken Happy Hour: 8am - 2am
No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps $2 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain $5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight
Wednesday 9/18
Amateur Night: Watch your sexy $2 Half Pound Burgers 5-10pm coeds on stage for the first time Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: compete for $200! $2 Select Beers & Drinks Contest Starts at 11:30pm 1/2 Price Select Apps Open to All Ladies
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how to create: By: staff
a Hypothetical Business
We’re college students for a reason — because we are the brightest, most ambitious, creativest 36% of our age group, and because we love being intoxicated. Oftentimes, this combination leads to entire Saturday nights drunkenly inventing entrepreneurial ventures we won’t even remember in the morning. There is a right way to creating a fantasy business venture, and there is a wrong way. And too often students ignore procedure in the throes of their high, leading to an empty life as a pencil pusher at some boring generic office to pay the mortgage on their condo. Here’s a handy guide to creating your hypothetical business, as well as the foundation for your retirement plan and your first divorce because “you don’t support my dreams!” STEP 1: The Drunkening What it sounds like: “Come on, you pussy! Finish the bottle! Finish him, haha! Like, BOOM! Do we have anymore root beer schnapps? I’m gonna be sick.” What it is: Drinking is the best way to release all those creativity elves you have stored in your brain, and drinking with friends is the best way to do it without making your roommates think you have a drinking problem. By encouraging you to drink even more, your friends are telling you that they believe in the power of your dreams, and want to see you reach your full potential. STEP 2: Bathroom Time What it sounds like: “Shit, dude, I have to piss like a
goddamn racehorse. Ha, what does a racehorse even piss like? Let’s take a shower! I’m gonna be sick.” What it is: Everything in the bathroom is great at inspiring our most creative ideas. It is known. Have a seat for ten minutes, or take a long, hot shower. Splash your face with water and stare at your reflection for half an hour — inspiration will come. STEP 3: The Seed What it sounds like: “You know that edible body paint stuff? I like that shit. Can we go shopping? Let’s get cupcakes on the way! Oh my God, when’s the last time we went to a comic book shop HOLD UP.” What it is: You’ve recognized a gaping hole in the market; a hole you can hypothetically fill. Let the seed germinate for a few minutes. Yes. Yes! That could work! STEP 4: The Pitch What it sounds like: “Check it out! What if we started, like, a nerdy themed bakery, right? Like, Star Trek cake pops and lembas and, like, Hogwarts cupcakes. Hang on, listen, Danny! And in the back, in the back, we could have like a nerd-themed bar, slash sex toy shop!” What it is: Telling other people your idea is very important for many reasons. First, you’re less likely to forget it in the morning, especially if your friends record you furiously gesticulating and falling over. Second, if they’re eccentric billionaires, they might be able to suggest ways to make it happen or pay you for the entertainment. Third, if they’re into it, they’ll help you hammer out some more great ideas, leading to:
STEP 5: Infinite Details What it sounds like: “Every week could have a different theme, like Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, or classic American novels, or Avengers vs Justice League! Yes, Danny, obviously we’d have Borg bondage stuff. ‘Resistance is Futile,’ right? I like Karen’s idea! We could call it, ‘Talk Nerdy to Me’!” What it is: Planning all the trivial hypothetical details is the most fun you can ever have with a hypothetical business. Everything from arming your employees with marshmallow guns to Pantsless Tuesday makes planning your enterprise a fun group activity. Bringing your friends into the action often creates a positive feedback loop of ideas, each feeding off the last, until you have a glorious, one-of-a-kind dream. STEP 6: Too Far What it sounds like: “It’ll be easy! There isn’t a bank in the world that won’t give a business loan on this! And I heard that that bar on Rose just went out of business! We have to get the loan tomorrow and buy the store front while real estate prices are still low! Forget student loans, Kelly, this is gold!” What it is: This buzz-kill step is important to the life cycle of the hypothetical. By suggesting achievability, no matter how ridiculous, you’re bringing the fantastic into the realm of reality, and few drunken ideas are good enough to survive in the real world. STEP 7: What it sounds like: “No, but, wait. Listen. Danny. Listen. Listen to me. Like, imagine… Karen, wait, shh.
Okay. Fire drinks. I’m gonna be sick.” What it is: This is the last stage in the life cycle of the hypothetical business, and it’s important to remember that what feels like flailing and sputtering conversation is actually a normal, healthy transition into a peaceful hypothetical death. STEP 8: Fatality What it sounds like: “BLEUGHHHH cough pant pant BLAAAARRRRRGHHHH oh my God I’m dyi-zzzzzzzzz.” What it is: This sad, messy end is the death of your hypothetical business and your night. While you might be tempted to mourn your loss, we think you should celebrate your experience instead. All good things must come to an end to make way for better things. You might not remember much of your hypothetical business proposal. If you do, it must have been something very special — run with it, little rabbit. If not, a million dollar idea is just around the Thursday. Get some more vodka and repeat!
Are You Smarter
than?
1) Physics: What is the term for a force that pulls a rotating body away from the center?
6) Architecture: The Burj Khalifa, the tallest building in the world, resides in what country?
2) Pop Culture: Name the three musicians featured on the summer hit, “Blurred Lines.”
7) Fashion: The two heads of this Italian fashion house were recently sentenced to one year in jail for tax evasion.
3) Economics: In economics, what does “GDP” stand for? 4) Language: Why is, “The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.” A unique sentence? 5) World Politics: What isolationist country’s single-party state is officially a “Juche”?
Andy of Burrito Loco
8) Sports: Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel is better known by this nickname. 9) Business: What business appears as “CAT” on the Dow Jones Industrial Average? 10) Wildlife: The capybara, an animal native to the Amazon, is the world’s largest what?
Andys’ Answers
Correct Answers
1) Inertia 2) Avril, Cher and Michael Jackson 3) Gross Domestic Product 4) It’s the shortest sentence to use every letter of the alphabet. 5) Australia 6) United Arab Emirates 7) Versace 8) The Cannon 9) Caterpillar 10) Bird
1) Centrifugal force 2) Robin Thicke, T.I., Pharrell 3) Gross Domestic Product 4) It’s the shortest sentence to use every letter of the alphabet. 5) North Korea 6) United Arab Emirates 7) Dolce & Gabbana 8) “Johnny Football” 9) Caterpillar 10) Rodent
Andy’s Score: 4 out of 10
Recipe for disaster
Drinking Game Boxing
Sweet Potato Fries
At The Black Sheep, we don’t support roughhousing of any kind, but we do love a good drinking game to get you drunk pretty quick. Get some friends and some girls in bikinis. Welcome to Boxing. *ding ding*
Sweet potato fries are all the rage lately, like twerking and hashtagging the shit out of everything. Instead of going to your favorite restaurant and tossing down a Hamilton for a basket of ‘em, try making a batch yourself. It’s actually not that hard.
What You’ll Need: A stop watch, 2 shot glasses, 2 dice and some beer. Number of Players: Four Level of Intoxication: Let’s hope you can take a punch well.
What You’ll Need: A few pounds of sweet potatoes, cinnamon, olive oil, salt and pepper. Cook Time: About 30 minutes Fatty Factor: It’s a vegetable, or something. You’re fine.
How to Play: - Two of the players (called “boxers”) play head-to-head, like a boxing match, and sit at opposite ends of a table. - The other two players act as the boxers’ “coaches” and sit to the side of their desired player. - Give each boxer a die and a shot glass full of beer. - One of the coaches start the timer, and the boxers each roll their die. - The boxer who rolls the lower number takes “the punch” and drinks their shot of beer. Their coach then has to quickly refill the shot glass for the next roll. - The game continues like this: The boxers roll again, the lower number drinks and the shot glass is refilled. - If the boxers roll the same number, just re-roll! - Play three rounds (for three minutes each) with a 30 second break in between. - Once the boxers finish, switch places with the coaches and keep going!
Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat your oven to 450 degrees. - Line a baking sheet with aluminum foil. - Wash off your potatoes and scrub off any dirt. - If you want, peel the potatoes, but it’s not really necessary. - Cut the potatoes into strips so they’re sized like normal fries. You know what those are right? - Lay out the strips on the aluminum foil as flat as you can. - Drizzle a little olive oil across the fries. Move ‘em around a bit so the oil is evenly dispersed. - Sprinkle on the cinnamon, salt and pepper. - Put the fries in the oven for 20 minutes, stopping halfway through to move them around a bit. Add more cinnamon if you want! - Let them cool a bit before serving, so they don’t burn your mouth or mush together. - Dip them in ketchup, honey mustard or nothing at all!
The Game Ends When: A real fight breaks out. No blood in the beer!
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Not a fan of cinnamon? Try them with honey! Or parmesan cheese. There’s no way to go wrong with this.
nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com
serious By: Zach Wyrzykowski
series addictions
A Guide to Faking Your Way Through Any TV Series Conversation
So the first few weeks of the new semester have gone smoothly in the stenchbox you call a dorm. Your roommate probably isn’t going to skin you in your sleep, and you’ve been dodging the topic of favorite television programs until recently, when it reared its ugly head. You feel safe informing your roommate that you’ve casually dabbled in a few of the big dogs like Breaking Bad and The Walking Dead, when he springs on you a terrible truth: he follows his show with devoutness that would frighten the Pope, and now is insisting that you begin catching up on all 25 seasons while he tells you
how great each episode is. Somehow, he does this to the minutest of detail, while avoiding spoilers. Luckily, there’s a way to avoid this sweaty, fanfic-filled fate: fake it. With only a few vague references, a “favorite character” and a falsified understanding of some inside jokes thanks to your best buds at The Black Sheep, the most loyal Whovian can pass for a Game of Thrones nerd in all but the most engaging of conversations.
game of thrones
breaking bad The Gist: Walter White is a brilliant teacher until he gets cancer, starts cooking meth, shaves his head, and gets progressively more ruthless. Also his brother-in-law is in the DEA. This leads to delightful hijinks of the murder-y kind.
The Gist: Skyrim with politics. It sucks to be a Stark, the Lannisters are richer than Romney, and boobs are everywhere. Like: Tyrion. He’s a dwarf who can talk circles around every other character. He bones everything he can reach, and then some, before falling in love with a whore. A tough little bastard, overall.
Like: Jessie Pinkman, Walt’s cooking partner. He gets less chill with Walt’s self-serving tendencies throughout the series, and tries to distance himself from his meth-filled murder parade several times. Hate: Women. Walt’s wife, Jessie’s girlfriends, and really every other female in the series. They all end up screwing everything up for everyone all the time, somehow.
Hate: King Joffrey. He’s a blonde, seventeen-year-old ball of shit. If you ever mention him without using the words “rat bastard” in the same sentence, you’ve been found out. Fun Phrases: “Valar Morghulis.” “Dragons.” “Hodor.”
Fun Phrases: “Science, bitch!” “Say my name.” “Minerals.”
Difficulty to Fake: Difficult
Difficulty to Fake: Casual
The Newsroom The Gist: Will McAvoy is a news anchor for ACN, a fictional news network set in our universe. His ex-girlfriend/ executive producer shows up and helps him make the news less bullshit and more honest. The entire cast of coworkers get way too involved in each other’s personal lives. Like: Charlie Skinner, McAvoy’s boss and friend. His bow-tie always makes him look like a balloon salesman, and his freak-outs are always followed by large amounts of bourbon. Hate: Reese Lansing, the president of ACN. He’s a sneaky bastard who desperately tries to bring Will and his team down for the sake of profits from advertising. Fun Phrases: “Don Quixote.” “Throw out the rundown.” “Bigfoot.”
Difficulty to Fake: Easy
Sherlock The Gist: A twist on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s classic detective tales set in modern times. Sherlock is essentially a more badass Sheldon Cooper with a stalwart sidekick and a Blackberry. Like: Irene Adler, dominatrix, master thief and the only person Sherlock shows any interest in romantically. Hate: James Moriarty. He’s as smart as Sherlock, with a metric ton more annoying mannerisms and facial expressions. Fun Phrases: “Mind palace.” “Sherlocked.” “Tea.”
Difficulty to Fake: Elevated
Arrested Development The Gist: A recently-revived sitcom, this show follows the Bluths, a wealthy family with more self-destructive tendencies than Kurt Cobain. It falls to Michael, the unofficial head of the family, to stop the family from destroying itself. Like: Lucille Bluth. She’s an alcoholic, judgmental hypocrite with a dash of racism thrown in. Lucille could teach a college course on backhanded compliments. Hate: Barry Zuckerkorn. He’s the family’s bumbling lawyer, and frequently shows up to court even less prepared than the Bluths. Fun Phrases: “Banana stand.” “No touching.” ”Analrapist.”
Difficulty to Fake: Medium
Dr. who The Gist: Quirky time traveling British guy in a blue police box whose mission is to convince you that everything in the world is actually alive and trying to kill you. This show’s been going on since the beginning of time, so it’s probably best to avoid trying to watch every season at all costs. Like: The Doctor. All of them. There are 13, but they’re all the same person because British people drive on the left side of the road and scoff at things like logic and dentistry. Hate: Daleks. They’re basically a race of R2-D2s, if R2-D2 was big, shiny, and wanted to electrocute everything with his dick. Fun Phrases: “T.A.R.D.I.S.” “Sonic screwdriver.” “Exterminate.”
Difficulty to Fake: Expert
the walking dead The Gist: Zombies. But mostly people talking about them. Rick Grimes is the leader of a group of survivors, and spends most of his free time letting people screw him over, hallucinating about his dead wife, and not watching his son. Like: Daryl Dixon. He’s the no-bullshit redneck with a crossbow who exists to kick ass and take ears. Hate: Carl Grimes, Rick’s thirteen-year-old son. He thinks he’s hot shit because he gets to wear a cowboy hat and doesn’t flinch while shooting his mombie in the head. Fun Phrases: “Carl, get in the house.”
Difficulty to Fake: Easy
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