The Black Sheep
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Vol. 5, Issue 2
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Memo:
9/12/13 - 9/18/13
Rec Center to undergo further improvements
BY: Jake Sorensen Dear University Faculty and Staff, As you may well have noticed, over the summer, the Wellness and Recreation Center here at the University of Minnesota underwent a sizeable renovation. Amid a new addition, new equipment, and hand scanners straight out of the twenty-third century, we here at UMN Fitness consider our efforts to be a huge success and have been overjoyed to see the teeming population of Zumba dancers and swoll frat boys filling our space nearly every hour we operate. Because of the student body’s overwhelmingly positive response to the new rec, we’d like to inform you today that we are beginning the preliminary preparations to further sire the art of exercising into the modern age. Every idea we have pitched to our focus groups so far has resulted in a literal explosion of their brain cavities from sheer amazement. We’re not fucking around here. By the time these ideas come to fruition, you will be wondering where William Shatner is hiding, because it’s going to be like the goddamn U.S.S. Enterprise up in this bitch. You think we’re joking, but we mean it. Through the diligent and completely voluntary research of our crack team of physics undergraduates, the Rec Center has successfully patented the algorithm that allows for successful teleportation, or “beaming,” to become possible. Who has time to walk the fifteen feet from free weights to treadmill? We understand your time is precious, and we want to make sure the effort of hauling your tired ass out of bed at 7 in the morning is not wasted by the unnecessary strain of transitioning between equipment, or even entirely different floors. And with an 86% accuracy rate, we can guarantee as few as 30 customers will materialize inside a wall or through someone’s colon. Aside from unlocking the secrets of subatomic particle travel, our pet physicists have also taken it upon themselves to line every inch of our facilities with anti-gravity panels. Though a meticulous and quote “irresponsibly” dangerous proposition, once completed, a fully three dimensional workout environment will be accessible to everyone. All the weight benches are taken? No problem, simply levitate off the ground in full air-supported comfort while you strengthen those glistening pectorals. Hate the congestion of the track during those bitter winter months? With anti-grav, you can run above your fellow health nuts in unimpeded solitude; while readily able to sneak a peek down a multitude of women’s sports bras. We think that privilege is worth rift in the fabric of space-time we may or may not be tearing.
We hope this taste of what we have in store for the new rec excites you as much it excites us. By next year, assuming our ritual sacrifice goes off without a hitch, we will be able to summon Keldsyrto’llnok, Devourer of Sincerity, and personal trainer to Beelzebub the Fallen, his Wickedness, Lord Satan of the Seventh Circle of Hell, to offer his services to our patrons, and divulge his alluring and terrible secrets to obtaining an eternal six pack (souls may or may not be subject to being ripped from their
hosts as payment). Be sure to subscribe to our newsletter for any further developments, and if anyone has seen engineering student Joseph Loring, please kindly return him to the front desk. He is not scheduled a reprieve from his duties for another 6 years. That is all for now. Sincerely, UMN Wellness and Recreation
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Field Guide: UMN Student
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have a firm, taxonomic grasp of the Golden Gopher’s animalistic quirks.
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