The Black Sheep
FRE
Vol. 6, Issue 2
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
E... LIK STR E LIVI EET NG , SO ON N. T H E
130/14 - 2/5/14
STUDENT BOARDS THE CAMPUS CONNECTOR, ENDS UP IN DETROIT BY: HEATHER BERGLUND MINNEAPOLIS, MN- On a cold Tuesday morning Brandon Samuels boarded the Campus Connector heading toward the West Bank. What should have been a simple ride squashed up against the window with fifty other students turned out to be his worst nightmare. For what Brandon didn’t know while in his sleepy stupor, brain still safe at home in bed, was that the Campus Connector route had changed once again. An unsuspecting Brandon opened his fresh textbook and began to look at all the pretty pictures while waiting for his stop. “I paid one hundred and seventeen dollars for this textbook, I wanted to get some use out of it,” Brandon explained later, “I didn’t think it was that big of a distraction.” But as it turns out, it was. Since becoming immersed in the world of breakfast foods of the 1950s for his class, Breakfast Foods of the 1950s, Brandon hadn’t looked up once out the window to orient himself. He had no idea where the next stop would be, and frankly he didn’t care. It was two stops after this one, right? There was a turn, and then another right turn, and then a couple stoplights, and they were there. Right? Wrong. Brandon Samuels hadn’t looked at the literature the University of Minnesota made to warn students of the impending bus route change. He hadn’t even glanced at it. He thought he could handle the switch. He was, after all, a senior who’d experienced a bus route change before. He could do it again. But with that textbook on his lap, Brandon dived into a world vastly different from our own, and simply got lost. “I honestly couldn’t tell you what happened. One minute I was in Minnesota, at the University of Minnesota, Minneapolis, on the Campus Connector…and the next…” And the next moment Samuels found himself in Detroit, Michigan, surrounded by gunfire. “It was like I’d fallen into a dream,” Brandon recalls, the horror still etched into his face. He‘s pale as he remembers the traumatic events. “I’ve never been to Detroit before, or before this, anyway. All I knew about Detroit was from Eminem’s raps. So this was… well, this was
different.” Different it was. Gone were the ancient, structurally-sound buildings of the U campus. They were now replaced by broken-down buildings full of bullet holes. Sketchy-eyed men and women looked at Brandon with distrust, eyeing his backpack full of fresh textbooks and his NorthFace jacket. “He doesn’t belong here,” they mouthed to each other. Samuels felt the hair on the back of his neck stand on end. “I had no idea where the bus went. How does the Campus Connector even run to Detroit?” Samuels said, his fingernails chewed to the skin out of frustration, his lips still chapped from the harsh Detroit cold. Cold, Samuels noted, that was far different from Minnesota Nice cold.
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THE HOCKEY CITY CLASSIC: AN INVESTIGATIVE REPORT
MINNESOTA FRESHMAN COMPLAINS ON TWITTER
WE SAW A MAN PULL A KEYSTONE LIGHT OUT OF HIS ASS. DID YOU?
“Things were so different, so scary. People offered me drugs and then accused me of being the po-po. Even when I showed them I was a college student they still didn’t believe me. ‘Where is the bus?’ I’d ask them, but they’d just shake their head. ‘There ain’t no bus around here, little boy’ they all said, and I thought I would be stuck there forever.” Samuels doesn’t want his tale to go unheeded. “I just want everyone to pay attention when they ride the Campus Connector. Don’t do what I did, otherwise you might end up somewhere strange.” Brandon advises everyone to put away his or her textbooks, comic books, calculators, and drugs in exchange for vigilance while riding the bus. “If I can save one person from making the same mistake I did, then this will all have been worth it.”
IN A SHOCKING DEVELOPMENT, MONDAY’S SUCK AND ARE DUMB.
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THE SCIENCE OF THE HANGOVER YOU KNOW WHY YOU’RE HUNGOVER (TOO MANY FOUR LOKOS), BUT DO YOU REALLY KNOW WHY?
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The Hockey City Classic: A Black Sheep Investigative Report BY: CORA NEISEN With all the talk prior to the Hockey City Classic you would’ve thought that Chris Christie was planning to come to Dinkytown, eat five pizzas at Mesa, and head over to frat row for a night. Turns out, it was just an outdoor Gopher hockey game. If you want to get Minnesotans excited, hold a hockey game… outside… in 20 degree weather… and tell them we’re trying to set a record. People will get more excited than they were when Bret Favre’s SUV was spotted on 494 driving to the Vikings’ training camp. Deciding to get in on the action, we sent some investigative reporters to give you the low down on what really happened. 4:14 p.m.: A group of 30-year-old shorthaired feminists show up to hand out flyers depicting the unequal importance society places on men’s and women’s hockey. However, the only recipients of the flyers are cheerful parents of the players and a sheepish boy with a life-size cutout of his girlfriend playing hockey taped to the front of his body. 4:36 p.m.: A seeing-eye dog spotted eating the entirety of the corndog
supply while his owner discusses “this dern cold weather” with his boss. 5:04 p.m.: The only people left sitting in the cold for the rest of the women’s game are two moms with mullets and New Balance shoes, and an old, senile man in nothing but cargo pants preaching that “back in his day people walked to class in Huaraches and tank shirts until it dipped below zero” and that “people now are nothing short of pathetic.” 5:47 p.m.: Two suburban hockey dads seen on 7th Street physically fighting over whose Range Rover got to the parking spot first. 6:15 p.m.: A group of stoned junior boys show up in Mexican ponchos and immediately question where they are. Shouts of “I walked in a door labeled Lac qui Parle County. Who is ever supposed to know that’s for a hockey game?” rang throughout the atrium. After eating eleven bags of nachos, five napkins, and three moldy brats, they saunter out of the stadium.
6:52 p.m.: Two girls scream, “OMG BABE I MISSED YOU SO MUCH BABE LET’S GET A PICTURE FOR INSTA LIKE RIGHT NOW, SERIOUSLY BABE OMG REUNITED!” at such high decibels that a nearby glass case shatters, giving a worker an aneurism and causing those goddamn feminists to preach about the regression of women’s rights because of Instagram. 7:28 p.m.: A woman sitting in section 112, row 7, seat 11 wearing a purple sumo suit is talking about the benefits of Crocs with the man in nothing but cargo pants whose nipples are now sporting golf ball-sized icicles. 8:00 p.m.: After the student section chants “you worthless piece of SHIIIIIIT,” a middle-aged mom with her six–yearold on a leash mutters about the state of humanity and bows her head in prayer. Upon checking on her an hour later, she is found giving a lecture to a small group of congregated people about the dangers of sending your children to public school. 8:17 p.m.: Overweight man looking like he stepped off the set of Fargo seen
pulling a Keystone Light out of his butt cheeks.
which is pulled from the depths of his cleavage.
8:18 p.m.: Same overweight man seen remarkably pulling a second Keystone out of his stomach rolls.
8:45 p.m.: After we decide that all feeling has been lost from all extremities, we sneak out the back door to eat our weight in Stub & Herb’s burgers.
8:19 p.m.: Man pulls third Keystone out of his triple chin, and the two Instagramobsessed girls are seen taking several selfies with the poor man who just wants some good ‘ol beer and hockey. 8:20 p.m.: We make our way over to that same man to congratulate him on his amazingly epic life. We shake his hand and he offers us his fourth Keystone,
While enjoying our post-feast stupor, we looked over our notes from the day. Although the day was nothing short of dysfunctional, we all decided that there is nothing better than a group of Minnesotans coming together to celebrate one of the best things about Minnesota—our Minnesota Golden Gopher Hockey team.
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COLLEGE-RELATED JOBS YOU DON’T NEED A COLLEGE DEGREE FOR BY: BLACK SHEEP STAFF
Back in class and already it’s a drag! College, the learning part is such a bummer, right? Well then just drop out, you big dummy. Here are ten jobs that’ll let you still feel the warming glow of college life without having to worry about getting one of those pesky degrees.
Minnesota Freshman
Complains on Twitter BY: MATHEW KENNEDY Our time in college, especially at the University of Minnesota, should be filled with happiness and joy. But, the events that transpired at 9:31 a.m. on Monday, January 27th remind us about the danger and depression that exists on this frozen hell of a campus. That morning, Joe Lewis (@JoeLewis1183) tweeted the following: @JoeLewis1183: ugh mondays suck, how could this day get any worse?!?!?! #dumb The above has been seen by nearly all of Joe’s 115 followers. Additionally, it has drawn the attention from many other non-followers across campus, such as sophomore Alicia Locks, who lives two floors above Lewis.
of the tweet, and there are unverified rumors circulating that Lewis received a poor grade on the essay, though these whispers have yet to be confirmed. Johnson has not received any punishment from the police and has yet to release a statement, though sanctions could reign down on her for returning a paper rife with harsh criticisms at such an early point in the semester. Nothing has been announced yet, however, it has been confirmed that Lewis’ parents will be pressing charges on Johnson if the damage on Lewis’ psyche is significant. The Lewis family has yet to talk to the media, but they did release a press report in the hours after the tweet was sent out:
“I’m scared,” Locks said, “I really am. It’s so awful “ugh mondays suck, how and wrong...and it’s just could this day get any “We are aware of the scary, because, like, I’ve damage that has been worse?!?!?! #dumb” seen him and stuff. One done to Joe. We have time we did laundry at yet to be in contact the same time and our hands brushed against with him since the tweet, but we talked to each other. Now his life has changed forever, him on the telephone last night. He seemed all because of something that none of us knew to be in a normal state then. God is with us about until now. It really makes you think…” during this tough time. We ask only that you keep Joe and our entire family in your prayers Locks was unable to finish her thought, as she as we recover from this tragedy. Donations and was overwhelmed by tears and was shaking well wishes can be sent to our home address or so terribly she dropped her American Eagle to Joe’s dormitory. Thank you, and God bless.” shopping bag. Many were caught staring at the group of reporters stationed outside of the Police officers were surrounding the dorms dorm that Lewis stays in. Some even stopped at press time. There has been no activity in to talk. When asked about the crisis, junior Sam Lewis’ room, besides reports of Green Day Hawking seemed to be at a loss for words. music being played. The police have allegedly considered evacuating students from the “What?” Hawkins asked. dorms in order to go in after Lewis. It isn’t just students that have been affected by this world-shattering event. Some of the blame has fallen onto Lewis’ rhetoric teacher, Amanda Johnson. Johnson reportedly returned essays to her students the morning
UPDATE: At 5:18 p.m., Lewis released a new tweet to the public: @JoeLewis1183: I walk a lonely road, I’m the only one and I walk alone.
10.) Person who unironically works at the Salvation Army when a college student goes there to buy a costume: Oh, the joy you’ll feel when you (yes, you!) see that petulant sophomore buy that $4.99 suit you’ve been eying for that job interview at the cracker factory next week. You’ll positively squeal with joy when he talks about cutting the sleeves off of it so he can be “a fuckin’ redneck CEO” for the party. 9.) Dorm janitor: Listen, no one will tell you that cleaning up puke every day is a life dream, and my job would sure be a lot easier if these guys would just trim their pubes over the sink. That said, fishing condom wrappers out of the garbage and leaving them strategically placed around my apartment so my roommates think I’m getting laid is a lot easier than actually getting laid. 8.) Beer deliveryman (or woman!): You’re not much of a romantic, but you can’t help but think of yourself as a descendent of those 1920s bootleggers you see in so many of those historical dramas. Hey, if the demand for warm Keystone Light is there, someone’s gotta supply it, right? The glory, man. The glory is all yours. 7.) Stripper hired for rush event: You’ve got the day circled on your calendar; you’ve been looking forward to it for months! Can you believe it’s finally here? Time to go to Tappa Kegga Alpha to pick some dollar bills off of the floor with your vagina. Hell, maybe you’ll offer them the opportunity to drilldo you for $300, rent is a little late, after all. 6.) Hobo: They love you! College students really love you! They keep showing you how to do all the new dance moves as long as you let them whip nickels at your feet. Little do they know, joke’s on them. With enough of those bad boys you’ll be able to afford a pint of vodka to make the tremors go away. 5.) Cafeteria worker: These 13-hour days of heavy lifting really help you avoid putting on the freshman 15 those stupid students have to worry so much about. Plus you get to save money on meals— they’ll let you eat anything that spends more than four seconds on the floor. Floor pizza is the best pizza, anyway. 4.) Vista customer service representative: It’s ok to live vicariously through others once in a while. You’re on the phone with someone who swears they didn’t mean to go over their dad’s credit limit to buy one’a them iPads you always see advertised on the TV. You don’t even know why someone would want one of ‘em, there’s not even an Ethernet port to plug it into the internet! 3.) Small-town taxi driver: You’re telling me that college students will pay me money for them to show me where all the good parties are? Hey! Hey! No! Stop! You’re not allowed to play with those binoculars in the glove box. 2.) Jimmy John’s deliver driver: Hah, no dude, I totally get you, you’re in college and you can’t afford to tip me; makes total sense. Here, let me just call my wife and let her know that her and our two sons are having day-old bread for dinner again. Man, I hope I can steal some mustard packets from work. 1.) Person who prints degrees: It seem like just yesterday you were slavin’ away at the ole’ degree mill to earn a piece of paper that would make you a “doctor” or some shit like that. Hah, the fools! Now it’s you who wields the power. If you want little lawyerin’ Jonny to be a sociology major, you have the power to print that, and it’ll only be the fourth time this week you’ll get reprimanded by your boss who ::yank yank:: has a degree in business administration.
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AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ON THE STREETS WHAT WOULD A SONG ABOUT YOUR HIGH SCHOOL EXPERIENCE BE TITLED? hman Joelle, Fres
“There’s A Kink In My Catheter”
man Anish, Fresh
“I Wore A Bra Once”
man Laura, Fresh
“(Falling Down) the Stairway to Heaven”
READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
The Science of
THE HANGOVER BY: ALEXANDRA ADAMS
It’s all too familiar. The pounding headache, possible vomiting, definite regret, and the horrible body pains that make it constantly seem like an alien is attempting to escape from beneath your skin. But why, god, why, do you feel this way? ‘Cause you drank too much, dumbass. But beyond that, there’s a hell of a lot of science at work in the toxic wasteland that is your body. So let’s talk about why we’re here. Yes, you were drinking all night. And therefore you were probably been peeing all night. That’s because alcohol is a diuretic. What that means, friends, is that you were pissing out more water than you were taking in. And that brings us to the first cause of your terrible hangover: serious dehydration. Your dehydrated body is very upset with you. In fact, it’s actually stealing water from anywhere it can. Oh, by the way, that includes YOUR BRAIN. This is why you have that pounding headache. Your brain is literally shrinking in an attempt to provide your body with enough water to, you know, function. So remember, water is your best friend during, before, and after a crazy drinking spree. Let’s move on to why every cell in your body is screaming in protest. This is due the way your body processes the things you put inside it. In this case, you have chosen to literally fill it with poison juice. Great job. Your liver goes through a lot of steps to turn that alcohol into harmless, easily expellable acetate. The way that acetate is produced is by these little buggers called glutathione. Unfortunately, you drank more poison than the glutathione can convert at once, and you don’t have enough to fix it. But wait! There’s more! Before the glutathione can make any acetate at all, the alcohol has to be turned into acetaldehyde. Here’s the problem: acetaldehyde is really toxic. Toxic to the tune of twenty times more than the original alcohol! What? That’s terrible. Yes it is terrible and it’s
why you feel terrible. Your body normally has enough glutathione to immediately produce acetate. But since your ass drank a ton, it can’t do that right now. This leaves all that evil acetaldehyde free to torturously tour your body until it can be converted. You are essentially more full of toxic nonsense than you were last night. How crazy bananas is that? Really crazy bananas. Knowing the science of why you feel like shit won’t make you feel better, but using some science to prevent it can. For example, fatty foods aid in slowing alcohol absorption as well as help in preventing stomach irritation. Carbohydrates can even ease nausea. So before you stuff your face with vodka, why not chow down on a slice of Mesa’s mac &and cheese? Fatty foods are amazingly delicious and will keep the tiny pain chickens from running around, pecking at you internally the next day. Also, aspirin (not acetaminophen -- that will piss off your liver more) has been proven to aid in your body’s process of expelling all that booze. After a night of drinking, pop an aspirin and chug some water before bed. You’ll thank us later. Finally, if you’re really desperate to avoid that hangover, avoid dark-colored alcohol and red wine. Dark booze contains more congeners, and those are just some lovely extra toxins to deal with. Although here at The Black Sheep, we feel whiskey is worth it. Well, hasn’t this been fun-ducational! You now know why your body loathes you for your drinking choices, as well as a few ways to attempt to combat the horrible aftermath. We could say “the only true cure for a hangover is to drink less,” but we won’t because that’s just crazy talk. Instead just rely on coffee, water, and good old fashioned determination.
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WEDNESDAY: Wings N Things $0.39 Wings: 4pm - 10pm 2-4-1 Drinks (9-Close)
Thursday 1/30
COLLEGE THURSDAYS 8pm - Close: All you care to drink! $6 Bottomless Domestic Beer, $10 Bottomless Rails and Domestic Beers $1 Orange bombs, $3 Jack and Soco
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Karaoke Thursdays! $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 Shots from 10-close.
Friday 1/31
8pm - Close: $4 3 Olives vodka $5 3 Olives Flavored long islands $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)
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Saturday 2/1
8pm - Close: $4 Bacardi Drinks $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)
9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
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Sunday 2/2
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Monday 2/3
Mason Jar Monday 8pm-close: $3 Double Jack, Soco, or Rails, and Bud and Bud Light Taps $5.00 Bud and Bud Light Pitchers $10.00 Bud and Bud Light Towers
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Tuesday 2/4
8pm-close: $3 U Call Its Rails, Calls,and Every Beer on Tap (items subject to tax)
8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers 8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3 Tequila Shots
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Wednesday 2/5
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Thursday 1/30
Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close
Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go Dancers! Happy Hour: 8am - 2am La Femme: 8pm - 1am Dance Annex: 9pm - 2am
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Monday 2/3
18+ $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am
No Cover! Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong $3 Budweiser Products and Well Drinks $3 Heineken, Heineken Light, Amstel Light & Dos Equis Bottles 7pm-midnight $5 Mini Burger Platter (7pm-11pm)
Tuesday 2/4
18+ (21+ no cover, 18-20 $5 cover) $3 Domestic Beers and Rail Drinks, $3.75 Heineken Amateur Drag Show and Trans Exotica Come in for Dinner!
No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps $3 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain $5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight
Wednesday 2/5
Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-1AM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps
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Amateur Night: Watch your sexy $2 Half Pound Burgers 5-10pm coeds on stage for the first time Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: compete for $200! $2 Select Beers & Drinks Contest Starts at 11:30pm 1/2 Price Select Apps Open to all Ladies
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Friend Group’s 2013 Spring Break Disaster Provides Warning to Current Minnesota Students BY: DAVID ZIRINSKY PANAMA CITY BEACH, FLORIDA – Last March, in a brazen attempt to bond over a common experience, a group of six University of Minnesota sophomores crammed into a minivan and set forth on a journey to have the same type of spring break they had seen on MTV. “I realized we weren’t going to get along five minutes into the 14-hour drive to Panama City Beach, when Joey, who was driving, started blasting opera,” said biology sophomore Jenny Clarke. “Like, we all hate opera and somehow Joey got the memo that he should play that all the way to Florida. He seemed oblivious to the obvious social cues.” One source from the group added, “Jordan wanted to bring along a friend at the last minute, and usually the people she hangs out with are pretty cool. This guy was a complete one-eighty from that. I didn’t realize she met him at a Christian group. He kept talking to us about Jesus Christ being our lord and savior, and I just didn’t have it in me to tell him I was Jewish.” While many had hoped that their troubles would be alleviated after they escaped the cramped confines of the Kia Sedona, problems were just starting. “No one ever has shared a room with Tucker. He’s always been a good guy, but hot diggity does he snore! I could not believe it,” another member from this group later told friends. The Christian member of the group, philosophy junior Mitchel, had told friends he felt uncomfortable. “Like, I’ve been to college parties sober.” He noted to The Black Sheep, “but this was worse. These kids cursed, and smoked pot. I’ve never been around something that’s so illegal you could get a $100 ticket from it!” He later admitted that underage drinking tickets would cost more than this. Three days into the trip any hope of synergy within the group had been lost. “It was like we were animals. We stopped talking to each other and started drinking with random people. Except Joey. He wandered off muttering about going on a spirit quest,” said Jenny. “We all kind of realized that traveling together was not a great bonding experience. We all had fond memories of freshman year and thought it’d be fun traveling together for spring break. But this was as good of an idea as drawing images of Muhammad in Saudi Arabia,” said Joey after the trip, “Honestly, these kids don’t even understand the beauty of opera. And who knew
Jenny would be munching down Plan-B like it was candy? I’ve never even seen her talk to guys,” he added. Others echoed Joey’s statement. “I’d say we were like a dysfunctional family going to Disney World. We didn’t get along, but we had a change of scenery. It was fun realizing how much I don’t like these people and I’m glad we went across country to do it,” said Jordan. “I think this trip was pretty fun even though we did leave Brandon back in Florida.” As of press time no one in said friend group was speaking to each other, and Brandon is still missing.
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1) TV: What TV show recently saw the re-introduction of series creator Dan Harmon after a season-long absence? 2) Art: Roy Lichtenstein is most famous for working in this genre of visual art. 3) Philosophy: Nature, by this author, is considered one of the earliest and most fundamental works of transcendentalism. 4) History: In 1905 Norway peacefully separated from what country to become its own independent state? 5) Music: What legendary rock group originally went by the name, “New Yardbirds”?
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DRINKING GAME High School Reunion 2014 Here at The Black Sheep, we like to think that all friendships can stand the test of time. Starting conversations with people you haven’t talked to in years is always awkward and uncomfortable alone, but with a group of friends and liquid conversation enhancers available, it can make for the most fun and entertaining way to get blocked, reported, and hopefully slapped with a “cease and desist” message! What You’ll Need: A group of friends (preferably ones you went to high school with), a laptop, a die, and a god-tier sense of humility. Number of Players: 2+, but the more the merrier. Going alone will cause the game to go from “a blast” to “cripplingly depressing.” Level of Intoxication: Senior prom throwback. How to Play: - One player logs onto Facebook and opens their friends list. Another player must pick an old friend/ stranger from high school currently online to chat up. Roll a die. This will serve as the conversation starter: - If you roll a 1, type: “Hey! It’s been a while, X!” - For a 2: “So, like … why are we not friends anymore???” - For a 3: “Contrary to popular belief, I always thought you were the prettier rose in the thorn bush.” - For a 4: “I know we don’t talk anymore, but I REALLY need to say something…” - For a 5: “Personally, I think Y got heavier. What do you think, X?” - For a 6: “Horsepucky! In angels do we scream ‘breast milk?’ Please, save the children!” - Insert their name in X, insert someone else’s name
in Y. - The conversation must flow naturally. It must not end until each player has had a turn at responding. - If a player fails to respond within 30 seconds/does not elicit a response, they must finish their drink and pass the laptop. - The last player in the rotation may end the conversation if desired. - Once the conversation has ended, everyone finishes their drinks. Someone new must log in to their Facebook, pick a new friend and repeat the process. - Additionally, drink when the “friend”: - Displays disgust - Seems oddly into the conversation - Posts an emoticon - Uses an ellipses - Finish your drinks if you are unfriended during the conversation. The Game Ends When: Whoever’s logged in starts getting paranoid and all white-knighty. Someone’s gotta do it. This game will probably be a big influence in deciding your attendance at the reunion in 10 years. It’ll also be a nice way to clean out your 800+ “friends” list.
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6) Space: Phobos and Deimos are the moons of what planet? 7) Architecture: What iconic New York City museum was designed by Frank Lloyd Wright? 8) Food: What protein often needs to be separated when baking pastries? 9) Cars: What part of the car is used to cool the engine? 10) Investing: What does “IPO” stand for?
???’s Answers
Correct Answers
1) Community 2) Sculpting 3) Yeah, what? Um, nope. 4) Sweden 5) AC/DC 6) Mars 7) The Met 8) Eggs 9) Isn’t there a fan in there? 10) Interest percent...
1) Community 2) Pop art 3) Ralph Waldo Emerson 4) Sweden 5) Led Zeppelin 6) Mars 7) The Guggenheim 8) Eggs 9) Radiator 10) Initial Public Offering
???’s Score: 4 out of 10
RECIPE for DISASTER Grilled Cheese Pizza You’ve just arrived home after striking out with random potential hookups left and right. Now, in addition to choosing tonight’s “adult entertainment” on your laptop, you’re forced to decide between pizza or grilled cheese to celebrate defeat. Our answer: Why not both? What You’ll Need: 8 slices of bread (yeah, you’re downing a whole one tonight), 1/4 cup of butter, 1/8 teaspoon of garlic powder, 1 teaspoon of Italian seasoning, slices of mozzarella cheese, 1/2 cup of parmesan cheese, and pizza sauce. You can toss pepperoni and other optional goodies in there if you wish. Cook Time: 20 minutes, give or take. Fatty Factor: Depends on your choice of processed foods. If you’re rocking plastic cheese and butter “spread,” be ready to throw your heart a curveball. Let’s Get Baked: - Mix the butter, garlic powder, and Italian seasoning in a small bowl. This is going to be the base spread for all your spices. - If you’re adding any meats like pepperoni, pop them in a microwave to warm them up. - Pre-heat a skillet to medium heat. - Spread your spice-infused butter on one side of a slice of bread and plant it on the skillet. Now deck out the non-butter side with whatever cheeses and meats you want. - Butter up another side of a slice and place it atop the skillet slice, butter side up. - Keep flipping until the insides are all melty and the bread is a toasty brown. - Repeat for all the remaining bread slices, cut the finished “pizzas” in half, and treat yourself to some pizza dipping sauce and a date with hyper-exaggerated videos of what tonight never was. Loneliness never tasted so good. Get used to that flavor too, you’ve got a long, empty life ahead of you.
NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
Justin s e i t i l a e b e i B
the street Now, he’s back on . em st sy e ic st ju What brity dzilla. But what if? ile that is the cele st Go rn ’s tu at e th th t, h ai ug -w ro afire indiscrimin Bieber passed th ur, probably. a, spewing atomic k for a DUI, Justin hr ee ot w M st g la in ed ht ng. One of these fo st fig re ga o, ar n ky g iso in To tt pr ng a ge yi r in te jo tro Af --des e’re certain he’d untold proportions ass in jail? Well, w s hi sit m wreaking havoc of hi g in ak ok at Bieber, m if they threw the bo
Justin Bieber Declares himself part of the aryan Brotherhood As of Friday night, roughly 24 hours after his arrest for impaired drag racing and one hour into the mandatory eight-hour “drying out period” required for all DUI arrests, sources close to Justin Bieber are indicating he has aligned himself with The Aryan Brotherhood. He managed to orchestrate a tweet from behind prison walls, which confirmed his membership in the white supremacist organization:
While it is known that Bieber was planning his retirement shortly after a dip into the R&B genre, his rejection of the genre and its fans comes as a shock to many. However, his nation of Beliebers remains unphased. “It’s like, Justin knows everything. He has such a big heart, and I love love love him so much. So if he thinks blacks, hispanics, Chinese, Jews and whatevers should go [redacted] from a fucking [redacted], then I do too,” said Chelsea Simpson, 13 of California, who retweeted Justin’s sentiments along with 63,000 other teenage fans. The Black Sheep was unable to reach Bieber for comment, besides him telling us to take our “[redacted]loving paper and shove it up [our] virgin assholes.” Further persistence saw Mr. Bieber agree to speak to us through “Hitler’s Taint,” the Miami-Dade Aryan Brotherhood’s chief: “Justin wasn’t happy with how inferior other races made him feel. He found the truth in our ways. He realized societal pressures made him dabble in R&B and thus led to his downfall. Oh yeah, and look at the officers who arrested him -- shocking -- this would have never happened if America weren’t run by a [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted].”
Justin Bieber Initiated by the Black Guerilla Family The warden for the Miami-Dade County Jail, Jeremy Caramel, has confirmed with The Black Sheep that Justin Bieber has been inducted into The Black Guerilla Family, a multi-state prison gang.
regarding the incident:
The Black Sheep reached out to the Bieber camp, and was granted a brief interview with the multi-platinum pop sensation.
Still, heavy bruising was evident on Bieber’s forearms, indicating he’d seen some physical harm during his time behind bars.
“Y’know man, growing up in Canada, I always had one black friend; now that I’ve been inducted into The Black Guerilla Family, I have a lot of black friends. It’s a cracker’s dream come true.”
“Nah, you got it all wrong, bro,” Bieber noted in our The Black Sheep exclusive, “I told Terrence-- he’s the leader-- how much I liked Tyler Perry’s Madea franchise. He, uh, he didn’t like that. I thought all black guys did; I got what I deserved, I guess.”
Within the prison gang community The Black Guerilla Family is well-known for their intense initiation process, one which submits the prospective member to brutal beatings and psychological torture. Bieber had this to say
After mistakenly being booked at the MiamiDade County Women’s Jail, Miami authorities have issued a press release confirming speculation that Canadian singer Justin Bieber has joined the jail’s Lesbian Alliance. “We have spoken with Mr. Bieber,” the release reports, “and as we look to rectify our booking mistake, we understand the young man’s reason for joining the Lesbian Alliance.” “He’s in high demand,” Lesbian Alliance spokesperson Karen LaPosha commented, “there were catcalls from them lousy straights as soon as they saw him enter those barred doors; that coif is impossible to miss.” An anonymous source corroborated LaPosha’s story, “Listen, Justin’s no stranger to a woman’s affection towards him-- he’s been dealing with that for years now, but the ladies in here, they ain’t like the ladies out there. In here, he’s not a toy, he’s a tool. Some of these straight women, they ain’t had a dick in months, or even years. You could drag the bloated corpse of James Gandolfini in here and some’a these ladies would pay half a pack of smokes for a ride.” LaPosha was quick to note that Bieber
has oftentimes struggled to fit in with the Lesbian Alliance: “Yeah, he’s used to getting manicures and pedicures and all of that--listen, most of the women we run with, they don’t even wash their hair with soap, they use lye. When he asked if there was a waxing facility here in jail, one of our members laughed so hard she threw up.” All things considered, the Lesbian Alliance has been a boon for Bieber’s safety. LaPosha left The Black Sheep with this anecdote: “We assigned him two shower guards the other day, both came back saying he looked like a naked 12-year-old male gymnast. Gross, give me a hairy piece of pussy any day.”
We asked Terrence what it was like to have such a visible celebrity join his gang. “Who the fuck is Justin Bieber?” the life-sentenced inmate wondered. Still, Beiber’s reasons for joining The Black Guerilla Family remained unclear. When pushed for a concise answer the pop celebrity was quick to reply: “Well, now that I’m in it, I can finally say nig—”
Insisting he get one final word in our “[redacted]loving newspaper,” Hitler’s Taint had this to say “Justin was the final key. In combining Aryan Brotherhood with the dedicated, white-washed masses of Bieber Nation, this country will finally be purified.”
justin Bieber aligns himself with Miami-Dade County Women’s Jail Lesbian Alliance
“Man, when you’re high off your dick on Percocet, you ain’t feelin’ shit. The gauntlet might as well have been a giggle time tickle tunnel.”
The Black Sheep will provide additional updates as this story unfolds.
El Bieber se Alinea con Mexican MAFIA DE LA PRISIÓN de Condado de Miami-Dade Nuevos reportes fuera del sistema penitenciario Miami indican que Justin Bieber de la música pop fama se ha unido a las filas de Mexican Mafia de la Prisión del Condado de Miami-Dade. La pandilla de la prisión desde hace mucho tiempo es conocido por el uso de su poder fuera de los muros de la prisión. Los rumores tienen abundan acerca de por qué señor Bieber se uniría a esta pandilla de prisión en particular, ya que él es de origen Canada. Sin embargo, La Oveja Negro fue directo a la fuente. Señor Bieber dijo a La Oveja Negro fue inmediatamente atraído por Mexican Mafia. “Tienen conexiones, yo,” dijo, y agregó “y entienden la angustia, hombre ... la angustia viene con el ser abandonado por una bella mujer como Selina.” “El corazón del hombre se rompió,” Ricardo Méndez, líder de la Mexican Mafia: Sector de Miami-Dade nos dijo. “Los fuegos de mil soles arde en el corazón de este hombre, y esos incendios fueron extinguidos cuando Selina pisoteó su amor. Estuvimos de luto por él, porque también nosotros adoramos señora Gómez.” Mientras que “El Biebs” puede sufrir una pérdida en la base de fans de esta medida, Mexican Mafia afirma que apoyará cualquier movimiento que hace, e incluso ayudar a encontrar trabajo fuera de la prisión en el cartel de la droga o el auge de la in-
dustria de la música ranchera. “Justin es sólo un muchacho, él es un ser humano, que es el hombre, sino que también es un tigre. Su alma se eleva como un águila, pero su mente está atrapada en una carcasa de plástico de la modernidad. La Mexican Mafia beliebs que prevalecerá contra la angustia de un coño perdona como Selina Gómez y la sociedad mecánica opresiva en la que floreció como una rosa en una caja de concreto. Niño Jesús llora por Bieber, así que lo celebran por hacerse tatuajes de su cara en el cuello “. Ricardo y su factor de están tratando de mover Justin Bieber hacia adelante en las filas de su pandilla, para hacerle frente a su organización. Sin embargo, no se sabe si esta historia de amor va a durar cuando la pena de prisión preliminar de Justin termina en dos horas.
THE SUPER BOWL DRINKING GAME When the Announcers....
During the Halftime Show....
Drink one when they say each other’s name. Drink two when Wilson or Manning is fellated. Drink three when Richard Sherman happens. Drink three each time the weather is noted. Drink five when they mention some NY thing.
Drink two if the camera cuts to a celebrity. Drink three between each medley. Drink five if a cover happens. Drink five for each guest appearance. Drink ten if a hat change takes place.
When the Team You Are Rooting For... Drink one when they complete a pass. Drink two for a ten-yard run. Drink two for any penalty on the other team. Drink two for any first down your team gets. Drink three for any field goal made.
Drink three for any sack your team causes. Drink four for any turnover your team causes. Drink four for any play over forty yards. Drink ten for any defensive touchdown. Drink ten if a trick play is attempted.
During the Commercials....
In Your Place...
Drink one for every hot babe. Drink three for every beer commercial. Drink four for each company you don’t know. Drink four every time animals are involved. Drink four when an adorable child is featured.
Drink two for everyone who wears a jersey. Drink two if someone uses gambling lingo. Drink three every time someone spills. Drink five when Weed Bowl is mentioned. Drink five if Peyton’s history is mentioned.
the m.a.s.h.
oh come on, you remember how to play! tally some marks on the paper for as long as your brain tells you to, then count through the whole list and cross off whatever corresponds with that number. when there’s only one left in each category, boom, that’s your future. live it, love it.
The best man is... - Aziz Ansari - Eric Snowden - Stephen Hawking - Kanye West
The biggest mistake she made was… - Making out with the priest - Taking too many selfless - Puking on the wedding rings - Being too hungover to show up
Your signature entree was… - Doritos Locos Tacos - Vegan grilled cheese - Moonshine - Special K and almond milk
He pranks the wedding party by… - Throwing bleach on the outfits - Breaking the brides’ legs - Putting acid in the champagne - Inviting the Punk’d crew to film an episode
Oh hey, look who showed up! - Blue Ivy - Grumpy Cat - George W. Bush - Michael Cera
With a side of… - Organic banana chips - Chocolate ganache - Moonshine - Under-cooked chicken
The maid of honor is... - Courtney Stodden - Khloe Kardashian - Farrah Abraham - Katie Couric
And they brought you the best gift of all: - $100,000,000 - Two passes to Medieval Times in suburban Illinois - A noisy Pomeranian - A clearance rug from Urban Outfitters
And y’all lived happily ever after… - by having multiple affairs. - hoarding kitties and puppies. - applying chapstick to each other constantly. - wearing your sunglasses at night.
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