The Black Sheep
FRE
Vol. 6, Issue 2
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
E... LIK STR E LIVI EET NG , SO ON N. T H E
130/14 - 2/5/14
STUDENT BOARDS THE CAMPUS CONNECTOR, ENDS UP IN DETROIT BY: HEATHER BERGLUND MINNEAPOLIS, MN- On a cold Tuesday morning Brandon Samuels boarded the Campus Connector heading toward the West Bank. What should have been a simple ride squashed up against the window with fifty other students turned out to be his worst nightmare. For what Brandon didn’t know while in his sleepy stupor, brain still safe at home in bed, was that the Campus Connector route had changed once again. An unsuspecting Brandon opened his fresh textbook and began to look at all the pretty pictures while waiting for his stop. “I paid one hundred and seventeen dollars for this textbook, I wanted to get some use out of it,” Brandon explained later, “I didn’t think it was that big of a distraction.” But as it turns out, it was. Since becoming immersed in the world of breakfast foods of the 1950s for his class, Breakfast Foods of the 1950s, Brandon hadn’t looked up once out the window to orient himself. He had no idea where the next stop would be, and frankly he didn’t care. It was two stops after this one, right? There was a turn, and then another right turn, and then a couple stoplights, and they were there. Right? Wrong. Brandon Samuels hadn’t looked at the literature the University of Minnesota made to warn students of the impending bus route change. He hadn’t even glanced at it. He thought he could handle the switch. He was, after all, a senior who’d experienced a bus route change before. He could do it again. But with that textbook on his lap, Brandon dived into a world vastly different from our own, and simply got lost. “I honestly couldn’t tell you what happened. One minute I was in Minnesota, at the University of Minnesota, Minneapolis, on the Campus Connector…and the next…” And the next moment Samuels found himself in Detroit, Michigan, surrounded by gunfire. “It was like I’d fallen into a dream,” Brandon recalls, the horror still etched into his face. He‘s pale as he remembers the traumatic events. “I’ve never been to Detroit before, or before this, anyway. All I knew about Detroit was from Eminem’s raps. So this was… well, this was
different.” Different it was. Gone were the ancient, structurally-sound buildings of the U campus. They were now replaced by broken-down buildings full of bullet holes. Sketchy-eyed men and women looked at Brandon with distrust, eyeing his backpack full of fresh textbooks and his NorthFace jacket. “He doesn’t belong here,” they mouthed to each other. Samuels felt the hair on the back of his neck stand on end. “I had no idea where the bus went. How does the Campus Connector even run to Detroit?” Samuels said, his fingernails chewed to the skin out of frustration, his lips still chapped from the harsh Detroit cold. Cold, Samuels noted, that was far different from Minnesota Nice cold.
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THE HOCKEY CITY CLASSIC: AN INVESTIGATIVE REPORT
MINNESOTA FRESHMAN COMPLAINS ON TWITTER
WE SAW A MAN PULL A KEYSTONE LIGHT OUT OF HIS ASS. DID YOU?
“Things were so different, so scary. People offered me drugs and then accused me of being the po-po. Even when I showed them I was a college student they still didn’t believe me. ‘Where is the bus?’ I’d ask them, but they’d just shake their head. ‘There ain’t no bus around here, little boy’ they all said, and I thought I would be stuck there forever.” Samuels doesn’t want his tale to go unheeded. “I just want everyone to pay attention when they ride the Campus Connector. Don’t do what I did, otherwise you might end up somewhere strange.” Brandon advises everyone to put away his or her textbooks, comic books, calculators, and drugs in exchange for vigilance while riding the bus. “If I can save one person from making the same mistake I did, then this will all have been worth it.”
IN A SHOCKING DEVELOPMENT, MONDAY’S SUCK AND ARE DUMB.
Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_UMN • theblacksheeponline.com
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THE SCIENCE OF THE HANGOVER YOU KNOW WHY YOU’RE HUNGOVER (TOO MANY FOUR LOKOS), BUT DO YOU REALLY KNOW WHY?