Minnesota - Issue 3 - 9/19/2013

The Black Sheep

f acc ree... ide like nta th lly e UD wa S cu lke d o p s yo ut u wit h.

Vol. 5, Issue 3

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

9/19/13 - 9/25/13

How The Meeting Deciding Minnesota’s Mascot Actually Went BY: Jake Sorenson Minneapolis, c. 1945 President Morrill: Gentlemen, thank you for convening with me today. I have an important matter I’d like to bring to your attention, one that is of vital importance for the survival of this university.

Athletic Director: Not a problem, Mr. President, though tell me, why exactly are you naked right now?

President Morrill: I find fabric stymies my creative potential, of which I’m going to need every bit for this meeting today.

PR Coordinator: I think it’s brilliant sir, inspiring even. Should we remove our trousers as well?

President Morrill: By all means. I believe it was Aristotle who said a man’s nudity is the window to his soul? Yes. Drop those britches!

PR Coordinator: Yes, sir! (Stands up and loosens belt) Athletic Director: Is this really necessary?

President Morrill: Was it necessary for Benjamin Franklin to have 90 illegitimate children?

Athletic Director: I – President Morrill: Actually, don’t answer that. Drop ‘em Hansen, or you’re fired.

Athletic Director: But…(Sighs) fine.

(Stands up, bewilderedly removes his pants, and sits back down) Athletic Director: What is it exactly you need our help with?

President Morrill: I don’t know if you boys keep up too much with current events, but this country just had itself a war. The American people are tired, and need some encouraging as life returns to normalcy. Our class sizes are expected to

rise enormously here at the University of Minnesota and we need something that can really unite the student body.

PR Coordinator: Off the top of my head, we could try a giant rubber band.

President Morrill: An excellent suggestion, Steve, but I’m afraid Michigan beat us to it. No, I was thinking something more… artistic. Something… fun. Like a school mascot!

Athletic Director: A mascot?

President Morrill: Sure! Some image all our boys can feel like they’re a part of.

Perhaps some kind of local animal.

Athletic Director: That doesn’t sound like that horrendous of an idea.

PR Coordinator: I think it’s great; we can market the…the pants off it. Brand the school.

President Morrill: Excellent thinking, Steve, I knew the pants would do the trick. Now, this is where you two come in.

What beast should represent the U of M? Athletic Director: Well, if you want our athletics to use it, how about something intimidating? Like the wolves. Or a grizzly bear?

PR Coordinator: No offense, but I don’t think anyone is going to be all that frightened of a big brown teddy bear.

President Morrill: He’s got you there, Hansen.

Athletic Director: What else do you suggest?

PR Coordinator: I was thinking a loon.

Athletic Director: A loon? I mean, I guess they’re the state bird, but doesn’t that seem kind of…lame?

President Morrill: He’s right, Steve, they are lame. We can do better than that.

Athletic Director: How about a cougar?

President Morrill: Are you even trying, Hansen?

PR Coordinator: I’ve got it! What about the gophers?

Athletic Director: Gophers? The little rat things that live on golf courses?

President Morrill: My god, Steve, you’re a genius! Gophers! It’s edgy, vicious, and memorable as all hell!

Athletic Director: Sir, with all due re-

spect, a gopher is literally none of things.

I really – what’s in the case?

President Morrill: (Opening a black container) What this? My secretary calls it thinking powder. I want to be as attentive as possible for this exciting idea. (Sets and snorts three lines of the “thinking powder”) PR Coordinator: Is it working?

President Morrill: HOT DAMN, IS IT! JOIN ME STEVEN!

(Steve does a line of thinking powder) PR Coordinator: Oh my god? What if instead of gophers we used walleye?

We could be the formidable Minnesota Walleye! And every game we’d douse the crowd in fish oil and shoot tackleboxes into the stands!

Athletic Director: You know what? Just go with the Gophers. Can I put my pants back on now?

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The Campus Connector Clan

Top 10: Tips for Surviving the Dorm Bathroom

how to make good conversation

Learn how to survive in this jungle of soap scum and poor hygiene.

because social ineptitude was so high school.

educate yourself before your wild encounter with the bussing clan.

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Writers Alexandra Adams Becca Marsnik, Gabby Vanden Avond Jake Sorensen, Megan Felz Danielle Bellisle distribution manager Matthew Pitts

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The Campus n a l C r o ct e n Con By: Megan Felz

Oh the Connector. Herding students from East to West, uniting Minneapolis with St. Paul, and shuttling co-eds the 100 feet down University Avenue that they just couldn’t be bothered to brave on their own. It’s truly a beautiful thing. A symphony of the masses coming and going, tripping on the steps, missing their stops, and having overly personal conversations in a confined area.

When employing this mode of transportation, not only are you getting a means from point A to point B, but you’re getting a people watching experience that’ll be more rewarding than finding a curly fry in your chicken nuggets box. Throughout your time at the University of Minnesota, you’ll inevitably find yourself on a Campus Connector. You’ll have the pleasure of seeing some token individuals that you’ll use as conversation fillers for years to come.

The Kid With No Space Bubble: Are there 20 open seats? Yep. Is that guy with the bunny overalls and tube socks going to take the one right next to you, the only other person on the bus? You betcha. The concept of personal space to some people appears to be as foreign a concept as a nun at a metal con-

cert. Combat this situation by making them feel more uncomfortable than you, all personal spaced out. Try singing out the ingredient list on the back of your Vitamin Water bottle or be generous with sharing information about your bodily functions.

“A symphony of the masses coming and going, tripping on the steps, missing their stops, and having overly personal conversations in a confined area.”

The Dozer: The most highly trafficked time for “the dozer” is early in the morning, right before those 8 a.m. foreign language courses. Take advantage of this situation and use it as an opportunity to practice drawing some killer facial hair on people. You’ll be glad you took the time to practice when your friend passes out from drinking the special KoolAid, and the handlebar mustache you doodle on him is a thing of pristine beauty.

The Prowler: There’s going to be a person who intends to maintain uncomfortable eye contact with you at any cost in order to assert their intentions of courting you. They are forever on “the prowl”. They’ll act like they have no other choice but to “accidentally” touch your boob while a crowd of people piles on. Or they just had to talk to you about why Scotch Tape should be illegal, so that you would be forced into conversation with them due to the controversial nature of this topic. Keep your mace at the ready.

The Muncher: Who knows, maybe they were running late for a class or overslept and didn’t have time to eat, but nonetheless, bringing that bowl of ramen onto the bus was a bold move. Even bolder move is when they attempt to eat it with chopsticks.

When confronted with this co-rider, take notes be-

cause someone who can eat ramen with chopsticks while on a moving vehicle is probably up to some serious Mr. Miyagi shit.

The Public Transportation Enthusiast: There’s always going to be that one kid who’s all gung-ho on being transportation savvy. This person will generally be found sporting their Metro Transit shirt as they ride the Connector for fun. Be wary of this individual, discussion about bus routes can get pretty heated.

Hopefully you will fully enjoy the daily ride from one end of campus to the next. Just be prepared. Chances are that during your time at the U, you’ll see these people, if not, sorry, you’re one of them.

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Season’s Grievings: A Struggling Student’s Open Letter to Fall

The

Top

Ten

Tips for Surviving the Dorm Bathrooms By: Becca Marsnik

It’s no surprise when people say that the dorms suck. You have virtually no privacy, the food tastes like something your cat threw up, and you have CAs who act like camp counselors. These are unavoidable.

However, there is one thing you claim as your own and make tolerable: the bathrooms. Here’s how: 10.) Don’t hog the mirror: You don’t need to fix your makeup in the bathroom every five minutes.

In fact, you have one in your own room. If you really need to look at yourself every second, it might be time to hop on over to the Minneapolis Mecca (aka: Target) and invest in a vanity mirror.

9.) Clean up after yourself: It’s common knowledge that freshmen can’t hold their liquor. When the inevitable does happen, and again, it will, clean it up. If you make the poor janitor mop up your vodka and lemonade spew you won’t be getting toilet paper next week.

8.) Don’t look into other peoples’ rooms from the bathroom window: Imagine you’re sitting at your desk minding your own business and suddenly you see a pale face staring at you while drying their hands. It’s creepy. Keep your eyes in the bathroom.

7.) Don’t look into the bathroom window from your room: This is just as wrong. If you have the opportunity to look into the bathroom from your room, don’t do it! You’re not going to see magical pillow fights or boobs. You will see someone picking their nose in the mirror. It’s not worth it.

6.) Don’t use the bathroom for gossiping: This isn’t high school. Also, no one can do their business while listening to your whiny voice complain about how sad your sex life is. This is a private conversation that, if held publicly, will end up with you getting the lights turned out on you the next time you take a shower.

By: Liandra Sy Hello Fall, nature’s beautified celebration of death. Already I can smell the foul reek of the world decaying around me, but it’s not just the pool of withered leaves that swarm Northrop’s congested walkways, or the carcass of an unsuspecting rodent that met its end beneath the tires of an aggressive bicyclist in the Jones Hall circle. No. It is the stench of fast wilting personal life.

All summer I drowned in naiveté, fantasizing about romantic walks across Stone Arch Bridge; celebrating month-a-versaries with my tall, dark, handsome beloved at the Hotel Foshay’s Prohibition; having cream cheese wonton picnics underneath the vermillion trees in Loring Park…but once again it panned out to be nothing more than a cruel trick of the season.

Every year I return to the Twin Cities brimming with excitement and aspirations. “This year,” I always say. “This year I will meet new people.

I will go out and do things. I will become a regular in extravagant downtown bars having fully graduated from the 18+ clubs littered along Hennepin Avenue.” But no such fantasies came to fruition. My flowering youth will now be forgotten in a dense cage of essays about inapplicable socioeconomic theories.

With the new school year you’ve also brought upon me not one, not two, but THREE parttime jobs. I suppose any lingering notions of freedom needed to be crushed. You sold me to corporate slavery in the annals of a fast food restaurant’s drive-thru hellhole. Now, I am rendered into a useless, overly enthusiastic “team member” handing scores of consumers their “to-go” bags of GMO-laden poison.

And my social life…my god, what can be done?! I am tantalized by the incessant Facebook invites autumn brings in its wake.

“Zombie Pub Crawl”?! Why yes, I would be so inclined! “Kegger between 22nd and Como”? If only, if only. Come three weeks from now, you will unleash a maelstrom of midterm exams.

As my friends frolic in the fields in inebriated gaiety, I wallow in grief with nothing but forgettable criticism of a post-structuralism novel to ease the pain.

5.) If you have to poop, wait until the bathroom is empty: No one wants to hear you poop. It’s gross, and it makes people uncomfortable. If you need to take a twosie wait until the bathroom is empty to do it. And if you walk in and see that someone is in a stall, just leave and avoid getting yourself into an awkward poop standoff.

4.) Don’t talk to people on the toilet: Nobody makes friends on the toilet. Using the bathroom is a very personal time to look at Twitter and see if anyone has posted about you on the UofM Secret Admirers page. Don’t ruin someone’s alone time! There isn’t much of it in the dorms.

3.) Don’t sing in the shower: No one can hose the porcelain while someone else is belting “Titanium” ten feet away. This isn’t Pitch Perfect. Naked people are not going to exclaim about how amazing you are when you do this. If you are really intent on everyone hearing your falsetto join Basses Wild. Everyone loves them, and you won’t freak out any nervous pooers.

I am nothing but a number lost in the haystack of virtual friends on social media websites.

Even my roommates have no proof of my physical being other than the half-eaten boxes of Mesa and empty pints of mint chocolate chip ice cream left on the sink. Like the squirrel indulging on an acorn, I feast on anxietyridden emotions. Such sloth-like behavior is only indicative of the deterioration you have caused.

It’s your entire fault Fall Sem. It was you, not me, who brought on 21 credits with subconscious threats of not letting me graduate on time.

Now I am trapped in a Sisyphean struggle, forever condemned to be a bookworm rolling an insurmountable boulder of stress. My high school dreams of having those once-in-alifetime hedonistic college years are long gone.

I am now left with insuperable debt. How could you fill me with such high ambitions?! Oh why did you lure me in with false promises of stellar academic performance? Now I must go and live out the semester of slavery you have so callously laid out for me.

The burden is too much to bear, Liandra

2.) Invest in a bathrobe or towel to wrap up in: People want to see tiny freshman dong about as much as they want to see old man dong at the gym. Cover up.

1.) DON’T MASTURBATE: As the signs in Frontier Hall so eloquently state, do not use the bathroom as your cum dumpster. It clogs up the drains, and nobody wants to deal with that sticky situation. Leave that for the tissues in your room.

05

Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

on the Streets If you were to pen an R&B song about the time you lost your virginity, what would it be titled? nior Kristina, Se

“Waiting?”

Senior Tim, Super

“Easter Sunday”

o m o re A n n a , So p h

“Uphill Battle”

06

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Picking Up Sicklings Outside Boynton Health Center By: Meg Enter On our fine campus lies a magical, albeit pregnancy-obsessed free clinic known as Boynton Health Center. It’s the place where predominantly freshmen go when they are desperately seeking a doctor’s note to get out of that first CEM 141 exam, the exam that weeds most freshies out of premed and into communications. Little do they know, upon request the Boyntonphysicians will chastise their sick, fornicating souls, and only the lucky ones will escape intimately clutching the one note to rule them all.

What Boynton lacks in medical prowess, it makes up for in its “sickling” population, making it the perfect pick up destination for those seeking a younger, questionably more infectious prey than the classy dames one would find at good old Sneaky Pete’s. You may be asking yourself why is Boynton such a great place to find someone to tickle my pickle? And to answer that, we turn to some classic, tell tale signs that ensure the highest of hook-up success rates.

Vulnerability: Okay, so there’s no guarantee that an Boynton sickling is going to have daddy issues or just have broken up with the hindrance that is a long time high school boyfriend or girlfriend back home. But for the majority of these approximately 18-year-old sicklings, they will have just recently severed ties with mommy and daddy and have very little idea of how to nurse themselves back to health. That’s not to say us Van Wilder’s in our mid-twenties know anything about taking proper care of ourselves or others — if we actually still have a dentist we haven’t been to see him in years, we often use borrowed student loan money to pay off other borrowed money, and many of us may have not even been able to keep a Chia Pet alive let alone a pet or another human. However, confidence is key, and luring a vulnerable sickling to your pad under the

pretense of nursing him or her back to health allows for the possibility of undressing followed by four to seven minutes of grunting. Finally, throw some dirt on that open gash and “promise” a follow-up appointment in the next two to three weeks.

Desperation: One thing we have to love about the sicklings is the desperate state in which they find themselves. Let’s look at an example.

Take what we’ll call “Sickling A.” Sickling A goes to Boynton for a moderate to severe head cold that has prevented her from attending her dish room shift in the cafeteria. The bitter, old human resources rep tells Sickling A she needs to obtain a doctor’s note to avoid “possible termination.” Poor, little, naive Sickling A believes if she were to get fired from the caf she’d never find another job, have to move back in with her parents, and life would cease to exist as she knows it. The only possible solution is to get some treatment and a doctor’s note from Boynton. Upon arrival, she is unwillingly tested for pregnancy, gonorrhea, and HIV. After she insists none of this is necessary and specifically details symptoms of a head cold, the physician decides to give her a pelvic exam. He refuses to give her a doctor’s note and sends her off with some penicillin. That’s where you come in. Sickling A is frustrated and needs to work off some anger in the form of some cardiovascular, junk-to-junk activity. Plus, you can be certain she’s clean and chocked full of antibiotics.

Self-Esteem Issues: We’ll admit it — Boynton is no St. Paul Gym where you can take your pick from a slew of skinny girls who think they’re fat. But what Boynton lacks in starving females, it makes up for in those seeking validation. Chances are if a hood rat has an appointment at Boynton and isn’t really sick and doesn’t really need a doctor’s note, he or she is far

too health obsessed, has Munchausen’s, or is simply a hypochondriac.

Granted, how crazy compared to how hot a potential lay is must be considered, but we’ll assume if you’re in the presence of an eight or higher, an imagined “inner ear problem” isn’t that big of a deal. So lay the moves on that screwball, and let that screwball lay on you… or, more realistically, take their crazy out on you while you lean back and enjoy the probably sadomasochistic ride.

No matter what combination and degree of vulnerability, desperation, and self-esteem issues of the sickling you pick up outside Boynton, tread lightly as no one wants to inherit a disease, or worse, a clinger. Remember, you’re always busy because of “work” or something else that cannot be cancelled, it’s never a bad idea to use those free Boynton condoms your sickling picked up on his or her way out.

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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

Saturday! 8pm - Close: $4 Bacardi Drinks $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)

TUESDAY! 8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers 8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3 Tequila Shots

WEDNESDAY: Wings N Things $0.39 Wings: 4pm - 10pm 2-4-1 Drinks (9-Close)

Thursday 9/19

8pm - Close: All you care to drink! $6 Bottomless Domestic Beer, $10 Bottomless Rails and Domestic Beers $1 Orange bombs, $3Jack and Soco

9pm - Close: $3 Coors Light, $3 Long Islands, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am

Karaoke Thursdays! $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 Shots from 10-close.

Friday 9/20

8pm - Close: $4 3 Olives vodka $5 3 Olives Flavored long islands $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)

8pm - Close: $3 Mich. Golden Light Pints $3 Rails, Live Music 10pm - Close $3 Grape Apes, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

Saturday 9/21

8pm - Close: $4 Bacardi Drinks $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)

9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

Sunday 9/22

Closed on Sundays

10am - 2pm: $5 Stack of Pancakes, $4 Bloody Mary’s Screwdrivers 6pm - 11pm: All burgers $6.99 8 - 11pm: Buy any app or dessert get a free pitcher of domestic or lite beer 8-close: $3 Domestic Bottles and $2.50 Rail Drinks

Sunday Funday!

Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close

Monday 9/23

8pm-close: $3 Double Jack, Soco, or Rails, and Bud and Bud Bight Taps $5.00 Bud and Bud Light Pitchers $10.00 Bud and Bud Light Towers.

8pm - Close: $3 Coors Mugs $5 Jameson Gingers All Day Pizza for Pennies!

Buy any large pizza and get the 2nd pizza for $0.99

Flippin' Drinks!

Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 9pm - Close

Tuesday 9/24

8pm-close: $3 U Call Its Rails, Calls,and Every Beer on Tap (items subject to tax)

8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers 8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3 Tequila Shots

Birthday Karaoke Night!

Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf) $3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs $3 Long Island Pints

Wednesday 9/25

8pm - Close: $0.25 Wings w/ Purchase of $8 Wristband College or Military ID: $0.50 wings w/ out ID or Wristband $8 AYCD: Rails, Miller Lite Tap, Bacardi Oakheart $1.50 High life tall boys

8pm - close: $5 for one pound of boneless wings, $2 for 1’s

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MONDAY! College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new!

Free buffet starts at halftime of Monday Night Football!

1/2 Price Bottles of Wine Starting at 5pm Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps

Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-1AM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $2 Sloppy Jacks All Day Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps Taco Tuesdays 5pm-10pm Root City Trio at 9:30pm Happy Hour 3-6PM, 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps

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Wednesday: No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps, $3 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain $5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight

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Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Rail & Domestic Beer $1 Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Drag Show: 10pm - 1am

No Cover! $3 Cruzan Run $3 Budweiser Products, $3 Cruzan Rum and Svedka $6 Dozen Wings (7pm-Midnight)

Thursday 9/19

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

FOAM PARTY FRIDAY! 18+ Come in for Dinner!

Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go Dancers!

Happy Hour: 8am - 2am La Femme: 8pm - 1am

$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)

Friday 9/20

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Six Bars are Open! Come check out our world famous “La Femme” drag show all weekend!

$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)

Saturday 9/21

No Cover!

Inventory Reduction Sunday (IRS) $3 Specials that change every Sunday from 7pm-Close $4 Miller Lite Tall Boys during every Minnesota Pro Baseball game

Sunday 9/22

Service Industry Night!

Show pay-stub from your bar or club and get free cover!

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Day!

Come experience the 90s in it’s full glory with 6 bars and 3 live DJs

College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new!

Free buffet starts at halftime of Monday Night Football!

NO COVER! 2-4-1 Drinks (rail & domestic beer) from 9pm to 1am Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Karaoke: 10pm - 2am

NO COVER! Happy Hour Drinks: 3:30pm-Close $3 Domestic Bottles, $3 Rail Drinks, $4 Specialty Bottles, $4 Call Drinks, $5 Top Shelf Drinks $0.35 Wings 8pm-11pm (Dine in only)

Monday 9/23

Ladies Night!

Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!

18+ $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

No Cover!

Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong $3 Budweiser Products and Well Drinks $3 Heineken, Heineken Light, Amstel Light & Dos Equis Bottles 7pm-midnight $5 Mini Burger Platter (7pm-11pm)

Tuesday 9/24

18+ (21+ no cover, 18-20 $5 cover) $3 Domestic Beers and Rail Drinks, $3.75 Heineken Amateur Drag Show and Trans Exotica Come in for Dinner!

No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps $3 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain $5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight

Wednesday 9/25

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How to: Make Good Conversation By: Black sheep staff Carrying on a quality conversation is not a skill everybody has. Some people are too shy to talk at all, while there are others who try to turn everything into a discussion about Game of Thrones. By now, you’ve definitely gone to your fair share of parties and events here at UMN, but you were probably pretty awkward at all of them. So, it seems only worthwhile to briefly review kindergarten-level social skills in order to ride out the semester on a strong note. After all, making good conversation is an ability that will get you far in life—married, employed, all that jazz.

Let us first examine what makes good conversation with your roommate.

Whether you’re a freshman living at Bailey Hall or a super senior living at a not-as-super apartment, it’s essential to be able to talk well with your roommate. They’re usually the closest friend you have in college and if you want to keep it that way, communication is vital. That’s why you should feel comfortable talking with your roommate about anything.

Anything, that is, except for masturbation habits. Pretty much all possible topics of conversation between roommates are encouraged except how often you jerk the gherkin, because the answer to that is a mutually understood “a helluva lot.” And it would be really weird to hear that he does it, like, when you’re asleep or on your bed when you’re at class.

Parties are another scenario to consider. There’s really no better place to socialize with other individuals than in a loud, dark, crowded, disgustingly hot apartment. But at a party, you want to keep conversations short and simple. Many people there have only a loose grip on reality, so you should keep your discussion basic when you’re conversing with the shitfaced. “What major are you in? Psychology? Do you have classes in Elliott? Cool!” And move on. Moreover, the music at frat parties tends to be loud, so don’t say anything that can be easily misconstrued. You never want to talk about how you “practice sax with children” when your

voice can barely be heard.

Then you have the dilemma of talking in class. Contrary to all the scolding you used to get in high school, class is actually a good place to talk with friends … sometimes. Obviously, if you’re in an ordinary classroom, you’ll look like a jackass for making small talk during class. If you’re in a lecture hall, though, and nobody’s paying much attention anyway, then what the hell, go for it. The larger the room, the less likely the teacher is to call you out for talking and then spend the next ten minutes talking about people talking. Discussion sections are another story. Just shut up and try not to fall asleep.

You also may wish to have a conversation at the Rec and Wellness Center, instead of the usual grunting and heavy breathing. Beware: The average person appears 10 times more bang-able merely by being in a gym environment, so anything you say other than “Are you done with that machine yet?” is, in all likelihood, going to come across as flirtation. Even the slightest “Hey” has heavy sexual undertones whilst working out, especially after putting down some weights and wiping sweat from your brow. In retrospect, gyms aren’t always the best places for chit-chat if you want to be genuine, but they’re a great place to get a cheap phone number for a Brother’s happy hour date.

When it comes to conversation itself, you should have a healthy variety of subjects to discuss in any conversation. If you find yourself lacking things to talk about, you can share various fun facts that you’ve read. Those are usually interesting: “Did you know that hitting your head against a wall burns 150 calories per hour?” Bam, consider your conversation started.

Also consider yourself a freak because the person you’re talking to does.

Of course, you should avoid talking about a given topic multiple times with the same person. There’s no point to having the same discussion twice, especially if it’s about how banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour. Plus you just sound like a doofus when you repeat jokes to someone. We recommend opening an Excel file and listing all potential subjects of conversation in the top row and all the people you know in the first column. Under this system, you can check off the appropriate cells after each conversation. It’s a great idea for people who have both a bad memory and way too much free time.

Ending conversations can be tough, though. After having talked for so long, you sort of run out of things to say, so you often just have to let it end abruptly.

Are You Smarter

than?

1) Famous Quotes: What Italian writer famous noted, “It’s better to be feared than loved”?

6) Harry Potter: What is the third book in the Harry Potter series?

2) Planets: Ganymede, the largest moon in our solar system, revolves around what planet?

7) Basketball: Surprise NBA 2013 first overall draft pick Anthony Bennett was picked by which team?

3) American Presidents: What former president famously had a dimwitted brother who created and marketed Billy Beer?

8) Musical Instruments: To what family of instruments does the flute belong?

4) Anime: What anime classic spookily predicted that Tokyo would host the 2020 Olympics?

5) Mexico: Tenochtitlan, an ancient city found within Mexico City’s borders, is a city-state that these people called home.

Zoe a Creative Writing MFA

Drinking Game

9) Diseases: This is the first disease mankind successfully eradicated in the wild.

10) Bling: The Hublot brand is most famous for making high-end what?

Zoe’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) Woody Allen 2) Jupiter 3) George W. Bush 4) Sailor Moon 5) Aztecs 6) Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban 7) Timberwolves 8) Woodwind 9) Smallpox 10) Hair Dryer

1) Machiavelli 2) Jupiter 3) Jimmy Carter 4) Akira 5) Aztecs 6) Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban 7) Cleveland Cavaliers 8) Woodwind 9) Smallpox 10) Watches

Zoe’s Score: 5 out of 10

Recipe for disaster

Breaking Booze

Morning-After Mixer

With AMC’s Breaking Bad coming to an end, making a drinking game out of it was inevitable. However this game is not a celebration of the Emmy Award-winning series but rather a celebration of the fact that in a very short amount of time you will stop being asked, “So do you watch Breaking Bad?” So sit back, drink, and watch Heisenberg do what he does best … ruin everyone’s life that he comes in contact with.

Sometimes the previous night rears its ugly head the next morning in the form of nausea and migraine headaches. Lucky for you, we’ve compiled the best hangover cures to form an all-powerful hangover helper.

What You’ll Need: Beer, a TV and someone raving about Breaking Bad enough to convince you to watch it.

Number of Players: However many can comfortably fit on your couch.

Level of Intoxication: Casual How To Play: - Invite all your friends over on Sunday night to watch Breaking Bad. - When the show begins, drink when: - Jesse says, “Bitch!” If he says it more than twice in a sentence, finish your beer.

- A commercial for Low Winter Sun comes on.

- Someone destroys a phone.

- Someone in the room says, “Skyler is bitch” or “Fuck Skyler.” So pretty much anything anyone says about Skyler.

- Money is shown.

- Percent purity of meth is brought up.

- Walt Jr. eats breakfast (drink double if it’s awkward).

- Saul changes phones.

- Marie says something annoying, which is every time she opens her mouth.

- Walt lies.

- Somebody says, “Why are all the woman characters so friggin’ awful on this show? Is Vince Gilligan a misogynist? Or he just pissed off about constantly being asked about his island and how the Skipper is?”

What You’ll Need: A blender, two Tylenol, one bottle of purple Gatorade (it must be purple), orange juice, tomato juice, celery, a cup of black coffee, a greasy hamburger, 10-piece chicken nuggets, a can of beer, graham crackers, an Alka-Seltzer tablet, and pickle juice (an old Polish trick we learned from an alcoholic cleaning lady).

Cook Time: 15 minutes Fatty Factor: You had like 10 beers last night, let’s cut the crap.

Let’s Get Baked: - Set up your blender. Make sure it has a tightly-fitted cap; this is gonna get messy.

- Start making the coffee as you start filling the blender.

- Put the hamburger and chicken nuggets in the blender first, these will require the most blending.

- Now throw in the graham crackers, Tylenol, orange and tomato juices, celery, purple Gatorade, pickle juice and beer.

- When the coffee is finished, pour it into the blender.

- Blend the ingredients on high until it has the texture of a runny shake and a brownish-green color. Mmm… - Drop the Alka-Seltzer tablet in. If it just sits on the top, push it down into the mixture.

- Once it dissolves, drink it up!

The Game Ends When: The episode ends. If you’re a real fan, play again for the second showing.

Your hangover is now ready to be vanquished! If you throw up while drinking it remember that it isn’t from the Morning-After Mixer, it’s because you drank too much last night, you jackass!

download our free app for all the games!

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The Black Sheep Peruses

the Fall TV Schedule Don’t know about you, but we couldn’t be more excited for fall’s upcoming television series. TV, being a medium of propriety and constant self-improvement, has only continued to become more and more respected in the eyes of the public. And, really, it couldn’t be more important to us: sharing with you some of the best of what fall has to offer. Oh, this is so exhilarating! But enough of our gushing, this TV isn’t gonna watch itself! Now, let’s sit back and learn about what’s on the ol’ boob tube this fall…

1

Master Chef Junior (Friday, Sep. 27 at 8/7c on Fox) W-well okay. So, to start we have a show starring Gordon Ramsay and a bunch of children. Sounds likewell, it certainly sounds like an idea.

Like Barney but with more chronic heartburn. Who is this show for?

Kids? Probably not. Kids hate old British dudes. Adults? Probably not. Adults hate Gordon Ramsay.

It’d be a lie to say that the show isn’t intriguing from a distance, however. What tools will Ramsay supply the kids with? Like, are the kids rationed out Easy-Bakes or are there really sharp knives everywhere or does Ramsay just not give a fuck? Has his culinary expertise actually caused him to acquire a taste for human flesh? Oh, God that would be such a delicious twist. It’s not going to happen, ‘cause “parent groups” and whatever. It’s also doubtful this series would be able to pull such a move with any dramatic tact whatsoever.

What a shame. We were hoping the first show would really knock it out of the park. Oh, well. Let’s see what’s next.

By: Kevin Wise

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Million Second Quiz (Monday, Sep. 9 at 8/7c on NBC) Huh. A game show. Okay, we’ll give this one a shot. Actually, the internet tells us this one already premiered. And no one liked it. Why, you ask? Well, it wasn’t because it was poorly made (although, certain technical problems suggest otherwise), but because it was too confusing. So, before we put on our basket hats and march into town, pitchforks ablaze, let’s see what the show’s website has to say for itself:

The story of several young people from around the world who represent the next stage in human evolution, possessing special powers, including the ability to teleport and communicate with each other telepathically. Together they work to defeat the forces of evil.

– IMDB

Oh, okay. It’s in an hourglass. Cute. Wait, what does this even mean? The people in the MONEY CHAIR get money while they’re in the chair; that makes sense. But how long do they have to be there? Just the hour, right?

For as long as the show is actually broadcast? And they’re just being asked random trivia? Like every quiz show ever? Could this just be called Quiz and no one would be the wiser? But they kidnap the people that win. And make them “survive” next to a giant hourglass in the middle of the city. That’s what makes it different? What the fuck is going on here?

Wait a minute. This sounds exactly like the movie Chronicle. And every X-Men thing ever. And Carrie. Is this what happens when CW tries to go toe-to-toe with ABC? Is this a response to Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.? Well, good job with that one, as it’s clear The Tomorrow People set out on cancelling Agents’ banality with its own.

Oh. Oh! You think Agents might be rad? Quickly, recite your favorite superheroes from the past Marvel movies. Was it Hawkeye, the dude who uses a bow? What about Black Widow, the lady who kills people by being all sexy? The guy who collected Captain America trading cards?

Did you like him? Well, then…yeah, you might dig Agents. God, what is with these shows, though? We just wanted a fun fall season. Where’s the creativity? Where’s the spunk? Hopefully in the next few shows. We’re not sure we can take much more of this.

2 4

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Dracula (Friday, Oct. 25 at 10/9c on NBC) Ugh. Vampires. Vampires and werewolves. Twilight wasn’t good! Neither was True Blood! Stop it! Stop it all of you! For some reason, the overreaching awfulness of the genre feels like accepted fact, but the urge to state your dissatisfaction still bubbles in the back of your throat. Why is this happening? Who is the person in charge of these projects that truly has a passion for the modern vampire? Who are the people that are just eating this up? Spoiler: he bites people. He’s a vampire and he’s going to bite sexy lady necks while looking all sexy. Maybe, if we’re lucky, he’ll bite some sexy dude necks. And then he’s going to be all mysterious and totally charming at the same time. This can’t still be selling. Please, tell us the vampire well is running dry. Tell us the perversion of classic horror monsters is done. What’s next? Mummies? Is the infatuation pop culture has with fetishizing old-timey, horror-fiction bullshit ever going to fade away?

Witches of the East End (Sunday, Oct. 6 at 10/9c on Lifetime) Ugh. Witches. Witches and wizards. When does it end? It’s our fault, really.

It’s not like every, single millennial didn’t memorize their Patronus at an early age. It’s not like we didn’t treat Wicked as the greatest thing since the wheel.

And we enabled it all, just so we could vicariously live our dreams of being magic people. But enough’s enough. Magic isn’t magic anymore. It’s time to go home. Witches of the East End looks like Wizards of Waverly Place for adults, but, if you take the time to really look at that statement, you’ll realize how ludicrous it is. Perhaps the next show bucks this trend.

3

The Tomorrow People, huh? That’s what you got? Future Folks not good enough for you? Whatever, have your name, but know that it isn’t even enough to convey what the show is about. We assume it has something to do with watch manufacturers.

Well, actually, The Tomorrow People is:

...‘ The Million Second Quiz’ is a…competition where contestants…battle each other in intense head-to-head bouts of trivia for 12 consecutive days and nights.

The competition…will air in primetime, LIVE from a three-story hourglassshaped structure. Money is accumulated by sitting in the ‘[MONEY CHAIR]’ (note: NBC doesn’t capitalize this, but they really should) and answering trivia questions against a rival. The longer a contestant stays in the chair, the more money is added until he/she is defeated by a challenger. During the million seconds the top four players who have accumulated the largest amounts of money up to that point in the game will live next to the hourglass in ‘Winners’ Row’ and try to survive there until the million seconds are up. – NBC

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The Tomorrow People (Wednesday, Oct. 9 at 9/8c on CW)

6

Sleepy Hollow (Monday, Sep. 16 at 9/8c on Fox) Well, fuck you too, TV.

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Cryptography read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com

Ball Varieties ACROSS 2) A ballistic this send warheads to a predetermined target.

4) The technical term for your man’s balls.

5) Lebron James, Michael Jordan, etc.

9) Foooore!

10) These high class ladies would attend a ball.

14) Ball State University is located in this state.

15) 30-Love 17) Soccer for the U.S. 18) This type of dance often happens on the ball of the foot.

19) Our beloved president is notoriously bad at this sport.

20) These popular pet snakes have a ball variety.

DOWN 1) When a guy doesn’t get his rocks off, two words.

3) Football for the rest of the world.

6) “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston is considered one of her greatest what?

7) Pizza cheese that comes in the shape of a ball.

8) “N****s in Paris (Ball So Hard)” came off of which album?

11) Sophisticated pool 12) Most popular game in Australia, played with a bat and ball.

13) If your s/o is a pain in your ass, they might be your ball and this.

16) Girls in Spandex play this.

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