The Black Sheep
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e... FOR like t , W he ALT ric ? W in.. HO .WH IS IT O I FOR S IT ?
Vol. 5, Issue 4
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
9/26/13 - 10/2/13
Student Body Weirdly
United by Homecoming BY: Alexandra Adams “Who knew?” asked freshman Emmy Glade. “Honestly. I thought that the U was too divided between hipsters, nerds, and party kids to come together and actually show some school spirit.” The Black Sheep has found Emmy to be not alone in such a line of thinking. It appears that many students were unaware that mass excitement for one event among the student body was conceivably possible. But come end of September, an unsettling yet uniting feeling swoops across campus like a disease or new generation of iPhone. Students are surprised to find themselves thrilled to be Golden Gophers. “It’s like virus. But a good kind of virus. Not the kind that causes you to hurl your guts out or the kind where you lose all the HD ‘films’ off your computer,” senior Earl Knutson noted. Gophers from Minneapolis to St Paul are just tickled pink to be golden right now. The air hasn’t been this thick with anything since the humidass summer. One hypothesis for the newfound widespread joy credits the concert choice as an overall uniting factor. “Here’s the thing about Passion Pit,” says junior Amelia Ericson, who is currently working ticket sales. “They really make every Gopher go wild. Every hypocritical hipster and sorority skank was happy to buy a ticket to see the pop-laced alternative band. Yes, Passion Pit does seem to cover all of the bases. Even the Top-40 only twats have heard ‘Sleepy Head’ a million times. Everyone gets something!” “It’s rumored that 2 Chainz was the other option for Homecoming this year. It may be a good thing he isn’t, though.” Ericson claimed, “With Passion Pit, there will be far fewer unwanted children conceived this Friday.” Ericson was, however, quite assured everyone would be thoroughly wasted all the same. Passion Pit’s imminent performance has also spelled good fortune for local drug dealers. “We’ve actually banded together and created this great game: ‘Who’s on molly right now,’” reported local vendor “Loco Ocho.” “Because just imagine ‘Little Secrets’ and ‘Take a Walk’ under the influence of MDMA. You’ll be able to tell who’s on it and who’s not based on how interested they are in their own limbs.”
Passion Pit is just a wonderful way to keep everybody on the same page at the U. Let’s face it: football’s interesting for the first few games, but the freshmen usually ruin those by being themselves. Having a concert that most people will be at least mildly entertained by is an incredible feat. Plus, the U probably didn’t spend the 85 Gs it did in 2012 for B.o.B. “Hasn’t anyone noticed that his only famous songs are featuring other
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Dinkytown Hippies Removal Initiative
Top 10: Things You’ll Find on the UMN Black Market
They just sit their laughing and mingling, we have to get rid of them.
artists? He’s only active in like 40% of any given song”, points out sophomore Hector Fry. To B.o.B.’s credit, his show was fairly entertaining last year. But Homecoming 2013 seems ready to top last year’s festivities. Whether you go to the concert for your own musical pleasure or simply to have a good time with your drunk friends, it’s bound to be a blast. So let’s GO-pher it! Ski-U-Mah.
Those hipsters will pay anything for vintage shit.
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We Interview: Flux Pavilion Our chat with the english dj-slashproducer.
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Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
Writers Alexandra Adams Becca Marsnik, Gabby Vanden Avond Jake Sorensen, Megan Felz Danielle Bellisle distribution manager Matthew Pitts
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Dinkytown Hippies e iv t ia it In l a v o m e R
By: Jake Sorensen
Esteemed students and faculty, denizens of the University of Minnesota, there is a growing epidemic in our midst, and it is dragging down the health, prestige, and smell of that small patch Minneapolis known affectionately as Dinkytown. What was once a tacky but relatively clean urban playground is being tainted by the crusty fingers of a ratchet outside force. One that doesn’t shower, sports more piercings than a voodoo doll, and smokes what appears to be half the world’s supply of cannabis. They are none other than the small herd of hippies that has laid claim to the block outside CVS. Sure, Dinkytown is no stranger to the homeless, often found between a rocking McDonald’s, and some wonderful bridges to sleep under. Students in the past have been more than tolerable of the wayward drug addicts that rolled through their domain. Said underbelly populous never hurt anybody, and never stayed longer than a day or so. Then there’s these guys. Seriously, where the hell did they come from? One minute it’s unimpeded jaywalking and burger-scarfing debauchery, the next there’s a whole caravan of grungy vagrants restraining dogs on your way to buy your weekly supply of milk and condoms. They just sit there laughing at each other’s jokes, mingling with people, and panhandling for food. Basically, they act like students. And it’s disgusting.
Clearly, something needs to be done about this very real threat. Sadly no two strains of hippie are alike. Since the 70s, they have been evolving, growing resilient to treatments that used to work quite effectively. The modern hippie is a 90s kid with an attitude, one who is not easily spooked by extra cops, nor dumb enough to be outwitted by someone attempting to trigger a bad trip. In fact, recent field research has proven that either of these activities will actually incense the beasts, prompting insults and hostile behavior. There are few things more terrifying than a twentyfive-year-old in a drug rug shouting “FACIST!” near one’s face.
“They just sit there laughing at each other’s jokes, mingling with people, and panhandling for food. Basically, they act like students. And it’s disgusting.” Faced with this information, the quickest way to these unsightly vagabonds’ hearts is food. The hippie identity may have warped and transformed over decades, but the munchies is the underlying symptom that binds each generation together. The process will have to be slow and incremental. The group will become sus-
picious if their numbers dwindle too quickly. Each night, when the hippies disperse to their respective trees to sleep against, lead one under the train tracks with the promise of whiskey and Funyuns. Once lured, an assembled strike team will pounce, fitting them neatly into a large USPS flat rate box, and scatter them all over to the dredges of the country (Detroit, Michigan, Scottsdale, Arizona, and Madison, Wisconsin to name a few). In a fit of panic, the chief will disband his ragtag crew of degenerates, and vacate the pharmacy sidewalk forever. The U will be brought back into balance, and the sun will shine just a bit more brightly, knowing the apathetic penniless menace has been staved off for another 12 hours.
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the room
The
Top
Ten
Things You’ll Find On The UMN Black Market By: Megan Felz
Sometimes, Target or CVS just don’t have what you’re looking for. Sometimes, you’re a little light on cash. When desperation begins a-calling, it’s time to wear your trench coat and employ the use of the “sketchy handshake” to exchange money. The Black Sheep is here to provide you with a “hypothetical” list of items that the existence of can be neither confirmed nor denied, and that could “potentially” be running rampant through the University of Minnesota campus. 10.) Three Trays of UDS Cookies that Don’t Suck: Their eggs may bounce like the super ball you had when you were eight, but the dining hall does know how to whip up a lovely assortment of cookies. Having too many cookies is not a real thing. 9.) Vintage Oregon Trail Game: Not only is Minnesota the land of 10,000 lakes, but it’s the birthplace of Oregon Trail. Though there were days when someone in your party would die of dysentery, there’d be other days where you’d make it across that river with everything intact. Relive those memories and prepare to ragequit all over again.
as Reviewed by a Wannabe Art Snob By: Brian Barsotti Freshman John Quintet recently saw The Room for the first time at a late-night film club showing and the experience has changed his life. Upon his first viewing of The Room, John concluded that Tommy Wiseau’s epic cinematic turd is, objectively, the greatest piece of art ever made. John defends the brilliance of The Room in this in-depth film review, which he emailed to us at The Black Sheep. Once in a great while, there comes along an artistic masterpiece so exceptional that it makes all other artists feel profoundly inadequate. Our generation has been blessed with one such tour-de-force: Tommy Wiseau’s The Room. Everything about this film—its characters, its plot, its liberal amount of awkward “belly button sex” scenes—demonstrates a degree of meticulous genius that every creative mind should envy. Why, had Ernest Hemingway seen The Room, he would have killed himself… twice. It must be noted that Wiseau’s work is not for everyone, because many won’t pick up on the film’s subtle nuances. He conveys this fact mere moments into the movie. In the first scene of The Room, Denny (a plausibly mentally challenged man-child) hopes to watch two of the characters make love. They kindly refuse to let him observe their intercourse, signaling the intellectual and inaccessible nature of The Room. If nothing else, The Room is a riveting testament to the grim reality of love. Never before has a work of art delved so deeply into this most perplexing of emotions. This drama is centered on the love lives of four characters: Johnny, Lisa, Mark and breast cancer. In particular, Johnny, Lisa and Mark are caught in a messy love triangle, one which makes Johnny blow his brains out at the end of the movie in a heart wrenching scene. Numerous lessons can be interpreted from it, but their story best reflects the universal truth that sometimes your fiancé can be a real bitch and cheat on you with your best friend.
Another masterful aspect to this film is its character development. Namely, the psychologist Peter develops so much as a character that he becomes portrayed by another actor in the final scenes of The Room. Some critics, of course, say that the original actor didn’t want to be in this shitty movie anymore. But true art critics, like me, know that it was part of Tommy Wiseau’s vision all along, to replace an actor halfway through production. This bold choice indicates to the viewer the idea that people, including minor characters, can change. Symbolism is also essential to The Room. For instance, one of the recurring symbols is spoons. The film features several pictures of spoons, and most audiences don’t appear to realize their significance. Spoons are an appropriate metaphor, because spoons are tools which allow you to eat cereal, much like how The Room is a “tool” which allows us to think hard about our own lives. Footballs are also commonly presented as a symbol. The Room contains the motif of men in tuxedos playing football at close range, and this expresses the message that tossing a football to people three feet away from you is fun. Few minds have been able to capture the essence of humanity, to explain what it truly means to be human. Artists like Shakespeare and da Vinci have tried, but their efforts paled in comparison to Tommy Wiseau’s magnum opus. Through deep allegories and other figurative devices, Wiseau conveys a myriad of wisdoms, especially the insightful revelation that we should all learn to be better people, to love others, and to not hurt each other, because then the world would be a better place. It should be stated that The Black Sheep in no way agrees with this weirdo’s take on The Room. We just think it’s a good movie for a drinking game.
8.) Backstage Pass to Passion Pit: Passion Pit’s coming, and you know what that means? Body shots off of Michael Angelakos’ beautiful body for those who can get behind the scenes. Don’t miss it. 7.) A Map to The Hidden Tunnel System: Maybe there is and maybe there isn’t a second tunnel system, there’s only one way to find out. 6.) Counterfeit Parking Passes: The U has unfairly monopolized every possible spot to park within a 15 mile radius of campus, and it will cost your dignity and tuition money to secure it. Word on the street [pun intended] is that there’s a better, more illegal way. 5.) Key to the Rooftop of Every Building: Rooftops are way cool, a great place to bring a date, a few drinks, or both. Unfortunately, at The U, too many of them are locked. Fight the man. Grab a beer, climb some stairs, turn the key, and do some hardcore roof top chillin’. 4.) Hockey Season Tickets: You’re in Minnesota. Hockey is to Minnesotans like bad children’s names are to Kanye West. You wouldn’t let a silly thing like season tickets being “sold out” stop you from seeing your next big hit. 3.) Guest Pass to 17th Ave. Dining Hall: Want to check out the swanky new digs that UDS finally decided to update from their previous “inside of a butthole” cleanliness levels? Now’s your chance for a dining experience that’ll make Taco Tuesday feel older than Internet Explorer. 2.) Your Dignity: It’s college. Time to do stupid things like cook stir-fry naked, drink more boxed wine than any person should even think of, and engage in scandalous activity in the Subway bathroom. Live it up. Then buy it back. 1.) President Kaler’s Home Telephone Number: *ring ring ring* Hello? “Is this President Kaler? Is your refrigerator running? Well, you better go catch it.” Legendary.
05
Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
on the Streets What’s the hardest you’ve ever laughed at someone else’s misfortune? r Vivian, Senio
“When a high school classmate got rejected by the U.”
er Senior Ashley, Sup
“Drunk girl tripping on her heels!”
enior Sherresse, S
“After my sister fainted while getting her nipples pierced.”
06
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A Conversation With A die-hard Quidditch Player By: Jack Harder We sat down for a chat with one of the self-proclaimed greatest athletes in Minneapolis: The Gopher Quidditch Seeker. As she walked in the room we could tell that she was not your run-of-the-mill bookworm. Her hair was slicked back into a tight ponytail and held in place by a thick crimson and gold headband. Her black witch robe fluttered in the wind, smacking any passers-by that got too close to her. An emblazoned golden pin on her lapel read “SEEKER,” showing us that anyone who ever wants to beat her at anything would have to suck it. She had eyes like a hawk, hair like a hawk, and a moderately sharp nose. She was basically just a hawk-human hybrid. Seriously, her nails were sharpened.
This conversation was going to be a legendary.
She pulled up a chair and downed her mug, throwing it across the room into the pile of other shattered glasses.
“Quidditch is an elegant sport in which three chasers throw a ball through a hoop that is guarded by a keeper. The seeker runs around trying to catch the snitch to win an absurd amount of points that guarantees a win. In the meantime, there are two beaters that run around hitting things at people to try and make the other team lose.”
This statement sunk in slowly, killing any childhood that may be left within us. After making a quick Whomping Willow reference, we continued on the topic of the Wisconsin Quidditch Club. It was rumored our seeker had an issue last year playing those maize-clad peasants in which aggressive physical contact got a little out of hand.
This description was simple, yet quite refreshing. Here at The Black Sheep we know all about tiny gold balls and consensual beatings.
“That was an honest mistake!” she exclaims instantly. “I’ve seen the first Harry Potter movie thousands of times and that guy looked exactly like Slytherin’s captain. Not only is he the epitome of douchebag, but he also has the most hideous set of teeth I’d ever seen. Typical Badger.”
“Butterbeer,” she said a bit too directly, “Never strong enough.” She slammed her fist down on the table and the bartender brought another. “Now let’s get this over with. I’ve got to trim my broomhairs tonight and I told my boyfriend that if he behaved I’d ride his broomstick.” Before we could speak she interrupted — “We going to the sheets so hard it’ll make finding a long term defense against the Dark Arts teacher seem easy.” Unable to actually comprehend what this hippogriff of a woman meant by that particular statement, we began with some formalities; namely, herself and her sport. “I’m a senior in Honors, I was valedictorian in high school, and my wand is nine inches, elm, with a core of dragon heartstring,” she announced.
At this point she whipped out her wand and began attempting to levitate the beverages of other tables in the bar. It was clear she actually believed in not only magic but also thievery. Nobody said a word. There was a lingering suspicion this wasn’t the first time she had been caught attempting this. As she started to just drag other beers towards her with her wand, the bartender stepped in and said, “What the fuck are you doing, Kim? Stop.” We asked her what lead her to her sport of choice.
Her tone lowered and she begrudgingly confessed, “You know, I was once a beater. I was one of the best there was. A master beater some would say. I took my anger out with my beating. I would beat anyone that roused my anger and before long I was beating half the school. They said I had beaten…” She rambled on and on, not necessarily proud; yet certainly not ashamed of all the master beatings she had given. “Ah but you see, at that point a professor suggested I give the beating up, master or not. When I tried to beat him off of my case, Eric Kaler came in and forbade me from beating ever again.”
Confused again, we assumed that the sons of snitches over in Madison were clearly at fault. Either that or they’re way better at Harry Potter role-playing sports because they’re nerds. Our seeker rambled on until we told her that Blarney’s kitchen was only open for another hour, and that it was half-off. Strangely, she nodded in understanding. She mumbled a Dumbledore quote under her breath as we texted our friends and then flew off on her broom … wait, what? Holy shit.
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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
Saturday! 8pm - Close: $4 Bacardi Drinks $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)
TUESDAY! 8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers 8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3 Tequila Shots
WEDNESDAY: Wings N Things $0.39 Wings: 4pm - 10pm 2-4-1 Drinks (9-Close)
Thursday 9/26
COLLEGE THURSDAYS 8pm - Close: All you care to drink! $6 Bottomless Domestic Beer, $10 Bottomless Rails and Domestic Beers $1 Orange bombs, $3 Jack and Soco
9pm - Close: $3 Coors Light, $3 Long Islands, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
Karaoke Thursdays! $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 Shots from 10-close.
Friday 9/27
8pm - Close: $4 3 Olives vodka $5 3 Olives Flavored long islands $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)
8pm - Close: $3 Mich. Golden Light Pints $3 Rails, Live Music 10pm - Close $3 Grape Apes, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close
Saturday 9/28
8pm - Close: $4 Bacardi Drinks $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)
9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close
Sunday 9/29
Closed on Sundays
10am - 2pm: $5 Stack of Pancakes, $4 Bloody Mary’s Screwdrivers 6pm - 11pm: All burgers $6.99 8 - 11pm: Buy any app or dessert get a free pitcher of domestic or lite beer 8-close: $3 Domestic Bottles and $2.50 Rail Drinks
Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close
Monday 9/30
Mason Jar Monday 8pm-close: $3 Double Jack, Soco, or Rails, and Bud and Bud Light Taps $5.00 Bud and Bud Light Pitchers $10.00 Bud and Bud Light Towers
8pm - Close: $3 Coors Mugs $5 Jameson Gingers All Day Pizza for Pennies! Buy any large pizza and get the 2nd pizza for $0.99
Flippin' Drinks! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 9pm - Close
Tuesday 10/1
8pm-close: $3 U Call Its Rails, Calls,and Every Beer on Tap (items subject to tax)
8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers 8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3 Tequila Shots
Birthday Karaoke Night! Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf) $3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs $3 Long Island Pints
Wednesday 10/2
8pm - Close: $0.25 Wings w/ College or Military ID $0.50 wings w/ out ID or Wristband $8 AYCD: Rails, Miller Lite Tap, Bacardi Oakheart $1.50 High life tall boys
8pm - close: $5 for one pound of boneless wings, $2 for 1’s
Wings N Things $0.39 Wings: 4pm - 10pm 2-4-1 Drinks (9-Close)
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The Bar Grid EVERYDAY: Happy Hour 3-6PM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps
MONDAY! College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new! Free buffet starts at halftime of Monday Night Football!
1/2 Price Bottles of Wine Starting at 5pm Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps
Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-1AM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $2 Sloppy Jacks All Day Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps Taco Tuesdays 5pm-10pm Root City Trio at 9:30pm Happy Hour 3-6PM, 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps
Foam Party Every 1st Sunday and 3rd Friday of the Month
Wednesday: No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps, $3 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain $5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight
SPECIAL NIGHT
Military ID Night: Show your military ID for free cover
Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Rail & Domestic Beer $1 Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Drag Show: 10pm - 1am
No Cover! $3 Cruzan Run $3 Budweiser Products, $3 Cruzan Rum and Svedka $6 Dozen Wings (7pm-Midnight)
Thursday 9/26
Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close
Come in for Dinner! Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go Dancers! Happy Hour: 8am - 2am La Femme: 8pm - 1am Dance Annex: 9pm - 2am
$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)
Friday 9/27
Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close
Come in for Dinner! All Six Bars are Open!
$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)
Saturday 9/28
Service Industry Night! Show pay-stub from your bar or club and get free cover!
Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Day!
No Cover! Inventory Reduction Sunday (IRS) $3 Specials that change every Sunday from 7pm-Close $4 Miller Lite Tall Boys during every Minnesota Pro Baseball game
Sunday 9/29
Come experience the 90s in it’s full glory with 6 bars and 3 live DJs
College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new! Free buffet starts at halftime of Monday Night Football!
NO COVER! 2-4-1 Drinks (rail & domestic beer) from 9pm to 1am Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Karaoke: 10pm - 2am
NO COVER! Happy Hour Drinks: 3:30pm-Close $3 Domestic Bottles, $3 Rail Drinks, $4 Specialty Bottles, $4 Call Drinks, $5 Top Shelf Drinks $0.35 Wings 8pm-11pm (Dine in only)
Monday 9/30
Ladies Night! Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!
18+ $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am
No Cover! Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong $3 Budweiser Products and Well Drinks $3 Heineken, Heineken Light, Amstel Light & Dos Equis Bottles 7pm-midnight $5 Mini Burger Platter (7pm-11pm)
Tuesday 10/1
18+ (21+ no cover, 18-20 $5 cover) $3 Domestic Beers and Rail Drinks, $3.75 Heineken Amateur Drag Show and Trans Exotica Come in for Dinner!
No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps $3 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain $5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight
Wednesday 10/2
Amateur Night: Watch your sexy $2 Half Pound Burgers 5-10pm coeds on stage for the first time Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: compete for $200! $2 Select Beers & Drinks Contest Starts at 11:30pm 1/2 Price Select Apps Open to all Ladies
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Top 10 ways
to Spend Three Hours Waiting for the iOS 7.0 Update By: The black sheep staff The iOS 7.0 update leaves us stranded from our precious phones for what seems like an eternity. So before you crumple into a ball of confusion and loneliness, here are ten things us human beings can do while our phones evolve into faster, stronger machines. 10.) Play Candy Crush: Oh, wait. Shit. 9.) Check your email: Damn it! 8.) Update your Facebook status to let your friends know how much waiting for the update sucks: “It sucks harder than a Thai transvestite hooker trying to save up money for college #Idontrememberhowtodothisonacomputer #YOLO.” 7.) Homework: Ugh, this is BULLSHIT! What part of “school” means you have to do homework? This update needs to HURRY ITS ASS UP so you can Instagram sad-faced selfies and the world can feel your pain. 6.) Read or some shit: When’s the last time you picked up a novel and read until there were no more pages left in the novel? You’ve got the time now- time to earn your collegiate intellectual status. 5.) Watch two rom-coms: To get the full effect of a Katherine Heigl movie, shoot yourself in the face. 4.) Watch one Lord of the Rings movie: Get the extended version, dude, don’t pussy out. Are those the trolls from The Hobbit? YES. Did Middle Earth even know about nervous systems? Who cares, bit joke! Did you see that significant look Pippin and Gandalf shared during the drinking song? Fanfiction sagas have been written on less.
3.) Make eye contact with a stranger: About 60% of the time we use our phones in public is to avoid interaction with strangers, which robs us of a very human experience. Take advantage of the forced tech break by communicating with people you don’t know. And if you HAVE to, well, have some fun with it. “BRAH! BRRRAH! Ronald Reagan! Reagan! Reagan! Must tell, BRUBRUBRUUUUH, must tell Clint Eastwood! Pancakes and ice cream!” 2.) Bake something: Lemon bars! Not done yet? Chocolate cake! Not done yet? Blueberry muffins! Not done yet? Chocolate chip cookies! Not done yet? Crème brûlée! Not done yet? Strawberry shortcake! Not done yet? Pumpkin pie! Not done yet…? 1.) Call a friend: Technology makes it easy to keep our relationships with minimal effort, but texting can be so impersonal. Take this opportunity to call a friend you haven’t seen in a while and… wait, no! Goddamnit!
Are You Smarter
than?
1) Literature: What novel famously starts, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…”? 2) Human Anatomy: The smallest bone in the human body is located in what body part? 3) Cooking: What catch-all name is used to describe foods created out of an animal’s glandular system? 4) Colors: Name six of the eight colors that come in a Crayola 8-pack. 5) Beer: What is responsible for the fermentation that takes place in beer? 6) Sports: How many divisions are there
Rob from Blarney Drinking Game Truth or Dare Just like the middle school game you played, but with more drinking involved. Hey, the “more drinking” part always works out for the best, doesn’t it? What You’ll Need: A deck of cards, some beer, and an iron will. Number of Players: 3+ Level of Intoxication: We dare you not to throw up. How to Play: -Begin the game by dealing each player four cards, face-up. -In the middle of the table, lay out two rows of five cards. One row will be “truth,” the other, “dare.” -Note which end of the rows you wish to start on. The first set of cards is worth two drinks, the second set is four, the third, six and so on. -Flip over the first card in the “truth” set. If any player has this card in their upturned set of four, then he or she must drink for two seconds or answer a question agreed upon by the group. -Flip over the first card in the “dare” set. Any player with this card in their upturned set of four may give any other player two drinks. In return, the player who takes the drinks gives a dare in return. -This escalates to four drinks or a truth, four drinks in return for a dare, etc. The Game Ends When: Everyone is naked from dares and crying because they’ve been forced to admit their darkest secrets.
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in the NFL? 7) Internet: What celebrity gossipmonger is notorious for using MS Paint to decorate celebrity images with brief notes? 8) Chemistry: The four fundamental states of matter are, solid, liquid, gas and what? 9) State Capitals: What state capital’s official motto is, “The Live Music Capital of the World”? 10) Movies: Tommy Wiseau is best known for writing, producing and directing this movie, often considered one of the worst movies ever made.
Rob’s Answers
Correct Answers
1) A Tale of Two Cities 2) Ear 3) Milk 4) Blue, red, green, yellow, purple, orange 5) Yeast 6) Two 7) Mark Zuckerberg 8) Plasma 9) Austin, Texas 10) Battlestar Galactica
1) A Tale of Two Cities 2) The ear 3) Sweetbreads 4) Red, orange, yellow, blue, green, brown, purple, black 5) Yeast 6) 8 7) Perez Hilton 8) Plasma 9) Austin, Texas 10) The Room
Rob’s Score: 6 out of 10
Recipe for disaster The Old-Fashioned With Breaking Bad coming to a close, it’s time to find a different series to pour yourself into. Enter: Netflix, the Holy Grail of all things TV. Our suggestion? Mad Men. To get you in the mood, we thought it’d be a good idea to introduce you to main character Don Draper’s go-to drink, which is also the manliest cocktail you could order during a night on the town. What You’ll Need: A tumbler whiskey glass, sugar cubes, angostura bitters (flavored or not), an orange, lemon or any citrus-like fruit of your choosing, a muddler and a bottle of your favorite bourbon whiskey Cook Time: 2 minutes Fatty Factor: Not fat, manly Let’s Get Baked, er Drunk: - Add one sugar cube to the glass and cover it with dashes of the angostura bitters - Muddle the cube until it is well dissolved - Add an orange wedge and a maraschino cherry and muddle the juices out of each - Add 2 oz. of whiskey (or a bit more if you’re feeling risky) - Add 1-2 large ice cubes and stir - Garnish with both an orange and lemon twist This drink is meant to be sipped and savored, so don’t chug this delicious concoction. It also pairs perfectly with a nice tenderloin, so order this when you’re out to dinner. This is also what Ryan Gosling’s character mixes up for Emma Stone’s in Crazy, Stupid, Love, so now you’re halfway there on landing a kick-ass chick like that.
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the black sheep interviews:
Flux Pavilion English DJ-slash-producer Joshua Steele, better known as Flux Pavilion, was kind enough to give us a solid fifteen minutes to talk about music, because like us, he likes music. The Black Sheep: How does the songwriting process for electronic music differ when you’re working alone versus with a person? Flux Pavilion: I prefer to do a lot of work on my own. For a collaboration it depends on who I work with, and their creative process. Getting on the same page of music, often we’ll sit for a couple of hours talking before we work on the music, which allows you to know where they’re coming from so you can approach the music from a certain way. I was just did a session with these guys, Anamanaguchi, who are a four-piece group, who do video game-style music. I sat on my computer as they got their Game Boys out, they’d make music and they’d send it over by email. I ended up with 30 email cuts and I’d take those cuts and see where they’d take me. It was like I was producing a song with people in the room where we’d just say, “how about that there and that there?” TBS: Someone like that, with such a distinct sound, does that provide you with any kind of challenges? FP: Their sound is quite similar to mine, actually. I wanted to work with them because I could tell that we think in the same way about music and chord structure and melodies. I wanted to work with them because we have similar ideas that we can approach in different directions. There was no problem there. Where there was a problem, they write on
a Game Boy, and that doesn’t stay in time or is necessarily in tune. They’d send me a tune and it’d be out of time because the algorithm in the Game Boy is different than a computer. TBS: When you do a live set, do you adapt things show to show? FP: I don’t actually change my set for anyone, because I think that my job on that stage as an artist is to give a performance of who I am as a musician. I’m showing what my taste is and who I am as an artist. I think of myself as a band, and if a band shows up and the crowd doesn’t like their music and they decide instead to play a lot of covers, it’s like, what’s the point of the band being there if they don’t play what makes them tick? If people hate it, then those people aren’t a fan of what I do. I don’t give a shit about that, I don’t want everyone to like me. I want to give the best impression of what I do, and I want people to love that. TBS: Has that always been your frame of mind, or has your approach to a live show changed? FP: It has changed, I guess. I’m more confident now. I never used to talk on the mic, I’d just go out there and play the music. I used to mix the tracks with my back to the audience for a few minutes. My approach has changed because I think there’s something more thrilling with being up there and connecting with people. When I get into music, I want them to get into it as well.
TBS: What can people expect in a live show going forward? FP: Next year it’s a lot more towards live singing and live stuff. I’ve always written music with the idea of it being performed live. I’m not a producer who does loads of crazy sounds or chopping and editing. I quite like natural sounds, even if it’s a ridiculous electronic track, there’s natural elements to it. I want it to sound aesthetically the same, but performed by live people, but with me singing with a guitar solo. That’s every kid’s dream, isn’t it? To be like Jimi Hendrix. TBS: You’ve said before you’re inspired by Sigur Ros and Brian Eno. This seems to be a similar theme among musicians of all genres. What’s so musically interesting about them that they’re universally loved? FP: Because they work with feelings, I guess. Their music makes me feel something. It sounds like they want it to sound. It’s a hard thing to explain, but a track’s not made for the radio with a hook or a chorus, it’s music that exists because it needs to exist. It came from their brains or their hearts and there’s something pure and natural about that. It’s untouched by nothing but the humans that created it, which is a really awesome thing. I think Dr Dre’s The Chronic is one of the best hip-hop albums because it sounds like Dr. Dre wrote all the tracks, a music representation of his brain. Pure music is a vision or a concept that an artist doesn’t have a plan, they just sit down and write a song without thinking. By: Brendan Bonham
The black sheep
interviews: Dominique Ansel Creator of the cronut By: brendan bonham Is it a croissant? A donut? No, it’s a cronut. From the mind of mad pastry chef Dominique Ansel comes something that’s as much fun to push out of your mouth as it is to shove in. Cronut, cronut, cronut. Hah, cronut. We wanted to talk about cronuts (and say cronuts) and Mr. Ansel was kind enough to indulge us.
The Black Sheep: How do you get from the idea of a cronut, to a cronut? Dominique Ansel: I create new things all the time. The creative part is very, very important; I won’t launch an item until I know it’s up to my standards. For the cronut, it took me about two months. It’s not the question rushing something quickly, it’s more finding the perfect texture and the right way to do it to make sure the product lasts in time. Really, finding a good product that could made properly without requiring too much time and unique in texture and flavor. TBS: What are some of the variables in play when you’re getting this ready? DA: A lot of little things; the ratio for the recipe, the ingredients a product contains, the type of flour, the technique, the refining pricing. Everything is very, very important. If you change one thing, it’s different at the end. That’s why I test the product every day, to make sure it’s up to my standards. TBS: When did you decide they’re ready? Was it one of those eureka moments, or was it
more “finally, this is what I was looking for”? DA: You know, it’s just something that you know. Recipe after recipe, time after time it’s a good product that you try to make better. Once I had the perfect texture, I knew it was ready to go. TBS: And when you first started selling these, was it just something in your store, then it took off? DA: Exactly. We launched the product back in May and it was just on the menu. I make new things all the time. People really liked it, and we appeared on a blog. That same night the blog called us and said it was linked over 140 times, and that we should make a few more. The next day there were people waiting outside. It was a surprise for me. TBS: The amount you make a day, where does that number come from? DA: Well, we have a small kitchen, so we do as many as we can, but we need to make the other things that we serve. We’re not a cronut shop. I don’t want the creation to kill the creativity, I want to create new things and keep people excited. Right after the cronut we launched the frozen s’more, it’s marshmallowly ice cream, we torch it to order to caramelize the outside. You only have a few minutes to eat it, and it’s a unique experience to enjoy ice cream. I’m going to do something for the fall that is nice and different, too. TBS: How busy are you right now? DA: I spend a lot of time in the bakery. I open the doors myself every day. We’ll show up 4:30, 5 in the morning. I’ll be in the kitchen until 8a.m. then opening the doors and welcoming people. It’s important to me to be close to my staff. TBS: Do you own the name or the idea? DA: We own the trademark to the name “cronut.” TBS: People making knock-offs, do you try them? DA: I haven’t tried any yet. To me, when you inspire people to make new things, it’s great. TBS: Do you have concerns that you’ll be Cronut Guy? DA: I want to keep making things and keep people excited. People come now and see all the other pastries we have, a fresh selection and made-to-order. People don’t just come for the cronuts, they come because we’re different.
spot the difference
Can you find the 10 differences in this gameday scene? Send your answers to classtime@theblacksheeponline.com - the first right answer gets a prize!
Grocery Shopping
madlib Spending my first year in a ___1___ apartment
is, overall, exceptionally ___2___, but there’s one thing I’m nervous about: grocery shopping. Usually ___3___ does that for me, picking up my ___4___ ___5___and bags of ___6___-flavored ___7___ patties so you can imagine how ___8___ I was when I stepped into ___9___. I was like… ___10___ is in the what section? I have to push this cart with, I can only presume, ___11___ residue all over it? Can I lick my fingers? No, I shouldn’t. I was overwhelmed and didn’t know where to start. I saw a wall of candy from across the store and ___12___ my way 1: Popular apartment complex 2: Synonym for good 3: Pushover relative 4: Meat 5: Breakfast pastry
over there faster than a ___13___ girl swallows a lemon drop. I stood in awe of the buckets of ___14___ and ___15___ and ___16___! Like a ___17___ in heat, I dived in___18___-first into one of those bins of ___19___ and nearly drowned in that sweet, sweet sugar. An employee resembling ___20___ had to yank me out, and a crowd of ___21___ were studying me with intrigue. While I was getting escorted out, I saw one dive into a bucket of ___22___ and get a concussion. Scary! So I didn’t get very far at the grocery store. Looks like it’s ___23___ for the rest of the year!
6: Type of cheese 7: Vegetable 8: Synonym for confused 9: Local grocery store 10: Basic vegetable 11: Drug
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12: Verb 13: Sorority 14: Gummy candy 15: Type of nut 16: Weird grain or legume 17: Wild animal
18: Body part 19: Favorite candy 20: Old celebrity 21: Nationality 22: Hard candy 23: Crappy fast food
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