The Black Sheep
FR FRI EE...L DAY IKE . W YO U HO WA R P L A NTS NS TO T H I S PAR T Y?
Vol. 6, Issue 4
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
2/13/14 - 2/19/14
CENTENNIAL DINING HALL TO HOLD THREE-COURSE
VALENTINE’S DAY DINNER BY: CORA NEISEN Attention, UMN students! Do you want to take your significant other to a nice dinner on Valentine’s Day? Do you need to find something within your measly student budget? Do you like dry food sitting under lights, carpeted walls, and creepy fluorescent lighting? If you answered yes to any of those questions, Centennial Dining Center has just the place for you this Valentine’s Day! For just two swipes and a $15 FlexDine charge, a romantic, upscale, intimate dinner for two can be yours. Enter through a dingy tunnel and feel the musty, rustic ambiance as you wade through piles of dust and scraps of food. Smells of aged meatloaf, French fries, and old coffee waft through the tunnel, beckoning all to join the festivities. While the university didn’t allow for a jazz band, enjoy the unique sounds of impatient, hungry teens, clinking plastic cups, and an obnoxious pizza oven, as they create a welcoming and warm environment. Feel the temperature immediately rise as you step into the kitchen area where heat lamps desperately try to reinvigorate the pork left over from lunch. Begin your fine dining experience
with a Hungarian meat stew made with gourmet squirrel meat, and the display of vegetables -- which, due to FDA requirements, cannot “technically” be called a salad bar. However, Centennial Dining Center prides itself on its top-notch vegetable display, boasting dayold spinach, moldy carrots, and other unidentifiable plants. To add more life to your salad, douse it in our savory selection of crusty salad dressings. Though it might be difficult, be sure not to eat too much squirrel meat, because the next course is even better than the first! Continue your dinner with a choice of Salisbury steak, a gourmet hot dog, or a broccoli-tuna casserole. The Salisbury Steak is served with mashed potatoes, the oils of the tough meat slowly oozing over the starchy mash. While critics of Centennial discuss the frequency of mystery meat, the only mystery of this meat is why you wouldn’t want a steak drizzled in salty gravy with chunks of fat dispersed throughout? The gourmet hot dog is for those of you who are less adventurous. Centennial Dining Hall is not entirely sure where the meat for the hot dogs originated, but we do know someone muttered a confusing comment about buying a bulk supply out of some guy’s
van in Van Cleve Park. The last option, the broccoli-tuna casserole, is sure to be a tasty, flavorful lukewarm option for those that prefer it over our first two offerings. You can even get your daily serving of vegetables from the broccoli that was found in the depths of the freezer. You know, like scotch, broccoli gets better with age, and you should feel lucky to be getting some from the Clinton years. Finish your dinner off with a complementary chocolate chip cookie and some ice cream from the self-serve ice cream machine*. The trays of cookies are always the first to go during dinner, so we suggest stuffing a couple in your Velcro wallet for future use. While you enjoy your decadent meal, take note of the 1970s sports pictures, sticky tables, and hard chairs which create a fun and lively environment where the discomfort isn’t just psychological, it’s physical! All the while, the dimly-lit fluorescent lights, carpeted pillars, and mauve-colored plates keep the evening a throwback to a more romantic time. This exceptional offer is only available until 7 p.m., so be sure to come early and beat the crowds of angsty, awkward love-birds. Did
we mention that there are no reservations or registration required? Simply show up and have the rest taken care of for you! Hundreds Several students have already made plans to attend this oncein-a-lifetime opportunity, so make your plans today! For the lonely on Valentine’s Day,
Centennial Hall has offered an option for single people as well. For just one swipe and a $5 FlexDine charge, you have full access to the three-course dinner and are free to roam about the tables where you might even meet your future spouse! For more information, contact the Centennial Hall CA Melvin. We hope you take advan-
tage of this exciting opportunity! *Manger’s note: the ice cream machine is prone to explosively spewing runny ice cream all over the floor. If this event occurs, we politely ask that you inform the nearest employee. We apologize in advance for the unromantic nature of an exploding ice cream machine.
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SOME GUY IN FRATERNITY DOESN’T THINK IT’S THAT COLD
CAMPUS PARTY HAS GREAT LIQUOR, SURPRISING ALL
PARENTS RELIEVED DAUGHTERS DRAW THE LINE AT ORAL SEX
FOR SOME BROS IT’S ALWAYS SHORTS SEASON.
CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE A PARTY WITHOUT BURNETT’S?
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Some Guy in Fraternity
DOESN’T THINK IT’S THAT COLD BY: MATHEW KENNEDY
It’s no secret that this winter has been especially hellacious on us mortals. But, it seems like the Chosen One walks amongst us here at the University of Minnesota. Junior TKE Ian Steinborn held a press conference on Tuesday to announce that he “doesn’t think it’s that cold.”
his frostbitten ears reached a sickly blue color and skin began peeling.
“Yeah, I guess I just don’t think it’s that cold outside,” said Steinborn with a shrug, “maybe I’m just immune to that kind of thing.”
The temperature of the day in question was negative 25 degrees Fahrenheit. When told this, Steinborn grunted. The ear is not the only thing that seems to have been physically affected on Steinborn. At the time of the interview, Steinborn’s hands were completely colorless. Doing simple things, such as scooping his protein powder into his mixer, took minutes, as if he had no feeling in his hands whatsoever.
Tests have shown that Steinborn is, in fact, completely sane. He maintains a 3.0 GPA, proving he still has enough existing brain cells to function cognitively at an average human level. Yet, it remains a complete mystery as to how this man finds dangerous temperatures “kind of chilly, I guess.” “I don’t see the big deal. I’m usually able to walk to my writing class or to the Rec in a jacket, pants, and Sperry’s. It’s not like I’m taking a shitton of time bundling up.” Recently, temperatures reached such a low that Minnesota cancelled classes for a day and a half, a very rare thing, considering that a closing due to weather hasn’t occurred at the University of Minnesota since 2007. The cancellation of classes should prove the extremity of the situation, but that does not seem to be the case for Steinborn. “That was pretty sick, not going to lie,” Steinborn laughed, “I was able to get a casual night of pong in with the guys. I even made out with a chick. Just an extra day and a half of pounding chicks and brews.” It seems that Steinborn’s body is not as immortal as Steinborn’s spirit. Steinborn admitted to checking into the hospital after
“Yeah, it was kind of weird. They told me that my right ear was damaged permanently and basically worthless – which is weird because it was NOT that cold out that day.”
“There is one downside to this weather,” Steinborn said, “The bitches. They are either A: not coming to our parties, or B: coming, but not dressed like complete skank-mongrels. That’s that shit I do NOT like. Like, you’re wasting our time and our alcohol. Kind of selfish, really.” As winter continues to inflict its ire upon us, Steinborn says he will continue to be unfazed. “I’ll tell you when it gets ‘too cold’: when the bong water freezes. When chicks DON’T grind on me on the dance floor. When the Rec closes. When some other pussy frat throws a better party than we do. When they make snapbacks that cover your ears. When my secret vodka stash I totally hid in my dorm room freezes. That is when it’s too cold for me.” Afterwards, claiming he was “late to poker night,” Steinborn stepped into the heart of a recent blizzard and has not been seen or heard from since. Any information should immediately be sent to the University of Minnesota Police Department.
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THE
TOP
TEN
REASONS PEOPLE THINK OF MINNESOTA BY: HEATHER BERGLUND
Minnesota is a pretty popular state. It has birthed both amazing inventions and amazing people. But sometimes, the reasons Minnesota is thought of aren’t always the Minnesota Nicest.
Campus Party Has Great Liquor, Surprising All BY: DAVID ZIRINSKY Partygoers at the University of Minnesota were surprised to find that the party they were attending late last Friday night had really nice liquor. “This wasn’t a campus party where they were giving out Red Dog and Fleischmann’s,” said fifth-year psychology senior Derek Levine, referring to the local cheap and disgusting liquor that never makes it 100 miles away from where it’s made. He added, “They had name-brand liquor that actually has TV advertisements. I think I saw a Smirnoff bottle in the trash can, and you better believe I got my fair share of that Jim Beam handle. We still didn’t savor the flavor, but you know, it was nice.”
Billy later told The Black Sheep why he had such a sweet spot for expensive liquor, “Liquor is my one vice, the Adderall I buy off friends is to help me focus on my geography homework— we’re learning the continents right now, and Antarctica is a real bitch. The weed I smoke is medicinal, it helps me come down off the Adderall, you know? So I sometimes treat myself to these things. Have you ever had a Bud Light, bro? It’s way better than Keystone Light. Actually, hey, you want one right now?”
Still, something seemed amiss. Billy not only bought nice liquor, he shared it like it was no big deal, even giving some to strangers. When asked how he was able to afford such . a delicacy the host replied, “Billy’s parents are Upon further investigation, we finally found an paying for college, so he squanders his money old childhood friend to go on record. Wishing on this shit.” to remain anonymous he left us a prerecorded voice message on an Billy Sanders, a senior “Billy not only bought nice encrypted flash drive: in recreation, is excruciatingly frugal in liquor, he shared it like “Yeah, Billy realizes all other aspects of his it was no big deal, even those who live with life. “He’s been known him don’t really enjoy to steal ketchup giving some to strangers.” hanging out with him. packets from fast Actually, they like food places, and once he used The Minnesota living with him about as much as third world Daily as toilet paper for an entire semester. He countries enjoy poverty. He shares his liquor only splurges when it comes to his liquor,” his to help smooth over their differences. It never girlfriend Maggie Ableson said. works, but at least people give him the fifteen minutes.” “If there’s one thing Billy loves more than anything else it’s money” Joe Franklin, another Our extensive interviews with others showed of Billy’s roommates, added. He continued, “This that this often is that case with Billy’s “friends.” kid took his girlfriend out to a pasta restaurant because he was able to find free coupons for Though having a lack of altruistic motives, we dinner there. Now I’m not an expert, but if I can tell that Billy changed the game forever. “I weighed over two hundred pounds and looked feel pretty bad putting out Costco brand liquor like he did, I wouldn’t have done it. I would have when my friends are over. I mean, these are the said to myself, ‘if any living female is able to people I like, not some animals,” a roommate of tolerate eating at close quarters with me they Billy’s said adding, “If Billy can manage to give can get whatever they want.’ But not Billy. This people the liquor of their dreams, well, then I kid is super cheap.” gotta get a handle of Captain or something.”
10.) Anytime anyone says the word “cold:” Imagine two innocent friends having a nice conversation about how chilly the weather has been lately in their home state. Then, out of nowhere, comes a Minnesotan fresh from the artic, ready to indignantly tell those two strangers off. “You don’t know what cold is until you visit Minnesota, dontchya know?” the Minnesotan says. Whenever anyone mentions the word “cold” in the United States, there is sure to be a Minnesotan hiding somewhere in the shadows to tell them that Minnesota has it worse. 9.) When speaking of (the singer) Prince: Prince is another topic that can’t go without the word “Minnesota” being thrown around. “Oh, you like Prince you say? The Northern Star State created him, you know. Born and raised. Minnesota is the reason for his success. I know a guy who knows a guy whose wife was in a store once when Prince visited. We have exhibits dedicated to him.” 8.) When determining the funniest U.S. accents: Everyone knows that, besides the south, Minnesota has the funniest accent. Am I right? Guys? 7.) One time on Hannah Montana, there was a guy from Minnesota: Don’t ask us how we know this, but the guy was from a fictional town called Mooville, Minnesota. Yeah, Mooville. You heard us right. If being featured on the best Disney Channel show-- no, scratch that, the best show to EVER be aired on TV-- doesn’t make Minnesota one of the most famous states, we don’t know what does. 6.) In relation to Canada: Minnesota is basically Canada. Not just in the eyes of foreigners, but also in the eyes of Americans. We share the same love for hockey and maple syrup they do; Canada’s niceness trickles down ever-so-slightly to form our Minnesota Nice. So we can’t really blame people for believing we’re basically Canada. 5.) Its fame on the Internet: Ever heard of “California Gurls” by Katy Perry? Of course you have. Well, on YouTube there’s Minnesota’s own version—“Minnesota Gurls,” by the slightly less-famous mippy5-- which has as many as 2,538,579 hits. Also, “Minnesota Style”, a parody of “Gangnam Style,” boasts a hefty 1,349,314 views. And it’s easy to see why the video is so popular: it claims, after all, that Minnesota can make you wet in 10,000 different ways. 4.) In dumbass movies that perpetuate stereotypes: The Black Sheep has spoken before of Fargo, but how about the movie New in Town? Another movie that features accent-thick Minnesotans surrounded by three feet of snow. Rotten Tomatoes gives it a whopping 29%. We give it two thumbs down for stereotyping. You betchya. 3.) When speaking about awesome health care: Where is the one place you want to go when Dr. House can’t diagnose your non-lupus ailment? The Mayo Clinic, of course. Minnesota is simply known for its wonderful, research-driven clinic that has saved countless lives. Not a big deal or anything. 2.) Minesota. Minnesotta? Minniesota. Mineaplis? Minnieapolis? Min… forget it: Poor Minnesota is thought of during spelling bees when cruel teachers are trying to trick their innocent pupils. Because it’s so hard to figure out how to spell, most people usually skip over it.Thank god for autocorrect. 1.) Lastly, Minnesota is thought of for generally being awesome: Do you know how many amazing things came out of Minnesota? Post-It Notes, General Mills, Target, the Minnesota State Fair (the largest 12-day event in North America) and so many more. As if all those things weren’t enough to convince you, let us throw this little fact at you: Minnesota was the birthplace of the Oregon Trail video game. Yeah, now you’re convinced.
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AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ON THE STREETS What’s the worst thing you’ve ever been woken up by? Sam, Junior
“My roommate and his girlfriend started banging and forgot I was there. I hated my roommate.”
Jeff, Junior
“Another student climbed on my bed at four in the morning on a Friday night. He was drunk.”
Brianna, Sophomore
“On the morning of my 19th birthday, my roommates woke me up with silly string. It was magical.”
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Point-Counterpoint:
Flowers vs. Chocolates KITTY KAT AND TEX MEX WROTE THIS It’s crunch time for Valentine’s Day gifts, and you don’t have much of a selection left at Walgreens by now. You have to decide between the two February 14 staples: flowers and chocolates. You only have $5 to spend because you’ve already committed to a $30 Olive Garden dinner with your lady lover. Which one do you choose? Kitty Kat: If you want to keep your valentine past the holiday, get her flowers. Why? Because they’re friggin’ beautiful, that’s why. Nothing else shows your girl that she’s exquisite, fresh, full of life and brilliant colors, and that she smells good (girls don’t like being smelly). It’s all metaphorical. Flowers are a special little reminder every time she walks by that she’s loved by a sweet gentleman who was smart enough to bring her flowers, NOT STUPID CHOCOLATES, for
Valentine’s Day. Plus, she’ll love the fact that she can make her roommates jealous by putting them on display in the apartment for weeks and weeks—even after they wilt and die. Tex Mex: You know what else is metaphorical? The way those flowers are going to shrivel up and die just like your obviously crippled relationship if you’re seriously resorting to something as useless as flowers for your gal pal. What’s the point of getting your valentine something that she’s going to look at once and then toss on her nightstand until their date with the trash bin? With chocolates, you get sweetness and utility. Your girlfriend doesn’t feel like cooking after class? BOOM, she can open that Fannie May box and pop in a truffle or six. That’s at least a week’s worth of satisfying the tip of the food pyramid.
You can’t eat flowers, though. You know what eats flowers? Goats. Do you really get your sick kicks out of indirectly calling your valentine a goat? Kitty Kat: But let’s look ahead, shall we? What if your girl does come home every day and scarf down a truffle or two? If you keep up this lame gift for every holiday during the year, pretty soon you’ll be dating a cow. A grade-A heifer. And don’t pretend you’re one of those “different” guys who can see past a girl’s frumpy exterior and into her artery-clogged heart. When she gets fat, you’ll be outta there. Flowers, on the other hand, don’t pose any risk of heart attack or obesity. And if your girl ends up eating the flowers, then I guess you do have a goat on your hands. But then that’s on you. Who would of thought you’d be into that bestiality stuff?
Tex Mex: Speaking of bestiality, we need to take sex into account too, however. According to Daniel H. of Yahoo! Answers, women love chocolate so insatiably because “its linked to there sexual part of the brain wich means takin them to poundtown lol.” You heard it here first, fellas. This is Poundtown we’re talking—population: you and the lucky little lady you showered with raspberry dark chocolate morsels from Godiva. Remember, Mint Meltaways aren’t just meant for the tongue (ow-ow), so feel free to redefine the term “hot chocolate” while you’re going at it. The closest way to make flowers even remotely sexy is by tossing petals on the bed … which is lame as shit. Kitty Kat: There are a lot of dangers lurking inside
a delicious, seemingly innocent chocolate-covered cherry. What if she’s allergic to chocolate? Milk? Red dye? Gluten? The possibilities are endless. One little bite could be her last. When it comes to flowers, the worst thing to worry about is allergies, and with the way the weather has been lately, a little runny nose ain’t nothin’ new. And I’m pretty sure shoving chocolate morsels up a vagina—or whatever weird shit you were hinting at— isn’t gynecologist-approved. What if you poisoned her vagina, man? What if it gets all moldy and falls off? Keep that
in mind. Chocolate = no more vagina. I think that settles it. Tex Mex: Please, one measly, little yeast infection isn’t going to single-handedly cause vaginal eradication. It takes at least three of those and one hell of a herpal outbreak to do that. But if you think chocolate in the bedroom isn’t safe, bear in mind that there was once a dude who thought it would be “cute” to surprise his wife by stemming a tulip from his penis. When he tried to remove it, the bottom of the stem got lodged inside of him, literally ripping his urethra to
shreds. Contrary to popular belief, girls actually don’t think self-vasectomization is hot. Ultimately, just put it this way: If your date hates flowers, then what the fuck are you going to do with them? If your date hates chocolates, then who’s going to eat them? You and the rest of the dudes during the Golden Girls marathon, that’s who. Although Tex Mex had the most compelling argument, don’t you think you should know your girlfriend by now? Don’t you know the type of shit she likes? C’mon man.
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SATURDAY: 9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
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Thursday 2/13
COLLEGE THURSDAYS 8pm - Close: All you care to drink! $6 Bottomless Domestic Beer, $10 Bottomless Rails and Domestic Beers $1 Orange bombs, $3 Jack and Soco
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Karaoke Thursdays! $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 Shots from 10-close.
Friday 2/14
8pm - Close: $4 3 Olives vodka $5 3 Olives Flavored long islands $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)
8pm - Close: $3 Mich. Golden Light Pints $3 Rails, Live Music 10pm - Close $3 Grape Apes, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close
Saturday 2/15
8pm - Close: $4 Bacardi Drinks $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)
9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close
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Tuesday 2/18
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Wednesday 2/19
8pm - Close: $0.25 Wings w/ College or Military ID $0.50 wings w/ out ID or Wristband $8 AYCD: Rails, Miller Lite Tap, Bacardi Oakheart $1.50 High life tall boys
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Sunday 2/16 Monday 2/17
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Monday 2/17
18+ $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am
No Cover! Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong $3 Budweiser Products and Well Drinks $3 Heineken, Heineken Light, Amstel Light & Dos Equis Bottles 7pm-midnight $5 Mini Burger Platter (7pm-11pm)
Tuesday 2/18
18+ (21+ no cover, 18-20 $5 cover) $3 Domestic Beers and Rail Drinks, $3.75 Heineken Amateur Drag Show and Trans Exotica Come in for Dinner!
No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps $3 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain $5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight
Wednesday 2/19
Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-1AM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps
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College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new! Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: Free buffet starts at halftime of $2 Select Beers & Drinks Monday Night Football! 1/2 Price Select Apps Taco Tuesdays 5pm-10pm Root City Trio at 9:30pm Happy Hour 3-6PM, 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps
Ladies Night! Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!
Amateur Night: Watch your sexy $2 Half Pound Burgers 5-10pm coeds on stage for the first time Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: compete for $200! $2 Select Beers & Drinks Contest Starts at 11:30pm 1/2 Price Select Apps Open to all Ladies
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GOPHER PARENTS RELIEVED TO KNOW THEIR DAUGHTERS DRAW THE LINE AT ORAL SEX “Well, y’know, she’s our little girl and we just want to see her making the right choices,” said farmer and part-time preacher Harold Tiller, father of freshman Mary Tiller. “It’s a different world from when her mother and I were young, but we trust our daughter is mature enough to do the right thing for herself, God, and maybe even her poor ol’ parents too,” he laughed, as his leathery hand squeezed his wife’s. “Just because we didn’t go to college doesn’t mean we’re oblivious to the fact that young people want to ‘get together’ after a night of drinking beers,” Betty Tiller added. “We just hope that those sweet young angels, and especially our daughter, have the good sense to call it a night after going down on each other for a while.” “Now, if we had our way, there’d be a lot less than that going on, I’ll tell you what,” injected candy store owner and father of two Gopher Ladies Burt Saltman, as some other dads chuckled uncomfortably. “We wish they’d stop at hand stuff like all of us Godfearing parents did. But we’re not a bunch of stuckin-their-ways old fuddy-duddies, we can certainly understand why kids today want to end the night with hugging and kissing and then giving or receiving a blowed-job.” “That’s our compromise, and we have complete faith that our sweet cinnamon bun will hold up her side of the bargain by keeping her shame covered and shut tight,” continued his wife Peg. “To everything
but faces and fingers, like my pastor would always say. We don’t think it’s asking too much.”
STUDENT DRESSED AS CUPID SHOOTS ARROWS OF LOVE AT CLASSMATES, 12 FATALITIES Billy Everyteen was just your average student from UMN. He had an average name, got average grades, and even had an average penis length. Everything changed, however, when Billy finally snapped and decided to dress up as a giant baby and shoot arrows at his classmates. We spoke with the deranged killer while he was in police custody. The fiendish psychopath glared at us with blood red eyes and told us about his fall off the edge of sanity into the pool of evil. “Why are you
doing this to me?” the murderer asked with an evil grin, “Those weren’t real arrows, they were from Nerf… Those people were just pretending to be hurt as part of the joke. Do you people not understand that?” Billy may have fooled some people into thinking that he’s not actually a sociopathic serial killer, but a psychiatric evaluation, polygraph test, and testimony from the victims isn’t enough to convince The Black Sheep. We spoke with some of the shooting
“Our point is, this matters,” finished Pr. Tiller. “The Good Lord above hath layethed out these rules for us, and it’s our duty to help our daughters learn to follow them, no matter how arbitrary or backwards they might seem to us mortals. I’m sure I’m not the only dad here who would fall asleep better on a Saturday if I was sure my pride-and-joy didn’t have a penis in her mouth at that exact moment, but at least I’m confident she’s not scarring her soul by engaging in the most mutually amazing thing human life has to offer. Not until she’s got a wedding ring and plenty of blow-jays under her belt, of course.”
victims who’ve apparently risen from the grave, only to be hypnotized by Billy’s debonair charm. “We’re not dead, we’re not zombies, are you retarded?” the cold, undead man inquired, “It was a practical joke. Is Billy seriously in prison?” Clearly Billy had already seduced these poor zombies into thinking they weren’t actually dead. Billy Everyteen is a man as maniacal as Satan and Hitler combined. The Black Sheep, under the supervision of the Minneapolis police department, gunned down these reanimated bastards to put them out of their misery. Clearly this will be a Valentine’s Day to remember at UMN, but we can take solace in knowing that the embodiment of pure evil known as Billy Everyteen, is facing life in prison with no chance of parole. Scoop Chang Wrote This
Sevin Ketze Wrote This
N O W HIRIN W RITING | MARK
ETING | PROMO
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Are You SMARTER
THAN?
1) US Presidents: Who succeeded Abraham Lincoln after he was assassinated in 1865? 2) Words: What is the proper name for a short story which illustrates a lesson or principle? 3) World Cities: What world capital—the third largest city in the world—straddles the Bosporus Strait between Europe and Asia?
SAMMY, TA IN DES 1001
DRINKING GAME You’re Alone and No One Loves You Campus will be alive with lovers this Valentine’s Day, and if you found the brownie ball recipe to your right, chances are you’re still single. Find another unloved friend of yours (or play the game alone, like you do every day) and wander around campus with your favorite bottle of booze. What You’ll Need: Alcohol and sadness. Number of Players: As many as you want. Level of Intoxication: You’ll be crying by the end of the night. How to Play: - Get your alcohol ready to go in whichever sneaky way your prefer—leftover Jimmy John’s cup, water bottle, brown paper bag, etc. - Wander around campus and take a drink for the following: - A girl trying to look strong as she buys a pint of Ben & Jerry’s from the grocery store (drink twice if it’s Chunky Monkey). - A girl being an ungrateful bitch and whining to her boyfriend. - A boy hurrying down the street with a bouquet of flowers (drink twice for an oversized teddy bear). - Two bros together putting on a façade of happiness; you know they’re dead inside. - Someone buying a card without even reading it. - People waiting to be seated at a not-so-romantic restaurant. - Someone using the phrase “Singles Awareness Day.” - A couple that has one member way hotter than his or her partner. - Every time you see a couple passionately kiss (drink twice for an ass grab). - Every time you hear someone say, “Aw, you shouldn’t have!” - A couple having a fight in a public place. - Finish your drink if you see someone being proposed to. The Game Ends When: Your liquor is gone and you decide to go buy yourself some Chunky Monkey too.
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6) Sexual Reproduction: What are the internal body parts by which a female’s eggs travel from her ovaries to her uterus. 7) Physics: The change in frequency of a wave relative to an observer is known by what phenomenon? 8) Cartoons: Ash Ketchum is the main protagonist in what TV show?
4) The Internet: What popular website recently celebrated its 10th?
9) Sports: Sochi, Russia councilmen passed a resolution to shoot what prior to the beginning of the Winter Olympics?
5) Celebrity: George Zimmerman recently made news again when agreeing to a celebrity boxing match with whom?
10) Cooking: A stock, often seen in soups, is made by simmering an animal’s what?
Sammy’s Answers
Correct Answers
1) Andrew Johnson. 2) FABLE? 3) The hell is the Bosporus Strait. Something in Russia. 4) Reddit 5) George Bush Senior 6) Fallopian Tubes 7) What does this even mean? 8) Pokemon!!!9) Stray Dogs 10) Uh... fat?
1) Andrew Johnson 2) Fable 3) Istanbul, Turkey 4) Facebook 5) DMX 6) Fallopian Tubes 7) Doppler Effect 8) Pokemon 9) Stray dogs 10) Bones
Sammy’s Score: 5 out of 10
RECIPE for DISASTER Boyfriend Brownie Balls Alone this Valentine’s Day? Who needs love when you can date food instead? This recipe is the perfect combination of chocolate, cookie dough and more chocolate. Your lady parts may not be getting lucky any time soon, but your mouth sure is! What You’ll Need: 3/4 cup butter (softened), 3/4 cup brown sugar, 1/4 cup white sugar, 2 tbsp milk, 1 tsp vanilla extract, 2 cups flour, 2 cups mini chocolate chips, 1 box of fudge brownie mix, and 1 package of chocolate almond bark Cook Time: 2 hours Fatty Factor: Calories don’t count when you’re sad. Let’s Get Baked: - In a bowl, mix together the butter and sugars until it’s all nice and creamy. - Slowly add in the milk and vanilla extract until combined. - Add in the flour and a tiny pinch of salt. Mix until you have some smooth dough. - Line a baking sheet with foil and make sure there’s room in your freezer for these bad boys. - Scoop out tablespoon-sized balls of dough
and place them on the sheet. Put them in the freezer for about an hour to harden. - While your balls are blue-ing, make your brownies per the directions on the box. You might need some eggs and oil. When they’re done, let them cool before going onto the next step. - Remove the frozen balls from the freezer. - Cut the cooled brownies into small squares and flatten them in your hands. - Put a cookie dough ball in the middle of each brownie square and wrap the brownie around it. - Once all the balls are covered, put them back in your freezer for another 30 minutes. - Melt the chocolate bark over the stove, being careful not to burn it or let it boil. Heat it up just enough so the chocolate melts. - Take the balls out of the freezer and dip them in the melted bark with a fork, making sure they’re completely covered. Then sprinkle chocolate chips on top! - Put them in the fridge for a few minutes to harden up, then dig in! This is the one and only time you’ll thoroughly enjoy having balls in your mouth.
NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
Same as It Ever Was...
Valentine’s Day Cards Revisited Scurried away in a box somewhere in a parent’s basement is a collection of a childhood memories-- artifacts of days gone by. Among them, certainly, are Valentine’s Day cards, issues school-wide at a set time for fairness to all. These Valentine’s Day cards are brief snapshots of who one was then, but these snapshots also reveal who this person who was, now is. The Black Sheep has dug up six Valentine’s Day cards from our staffers’ past, and not surprisingly, they tell the story of who these weirdos are now.
Dependent Dave
Self-Lovin’ Stephen
How Dave Was Raised: His teddy bear, Bobo, was wrapped in a safety blanket, which was tied to a rope, which led to his parents’ bedroom. If he pulled, it would ring a bell. Mom and dad would both come running, because they didn’t want to take Dave to the hospital for hyperventilation… again.
How Stephen Was Raised: Steve was an only child whose vigorously religious parents didn’t show much affection. Idle hands are the Devil’s playthings, they say, and without TV or friends, Stephen was oftentimes left alone to entertain himself.
What 3rd Grade Was Like: Crippling anxiety led to Dave being homeschooled by second grade. He was the star of the basketball team, though, and they went undefeated against their arch-rivals, the Invisibles. Heck, they shut ‘em out 14-0! Where Dave is Now: The wife jumped ship after Dave followed her on a business trip to Atlanta, but the last six months in therapy have worked wonders for Dave. Plus, he’s pretty sure his therapist has a thing for him — she always answers his calls in the middle of the night, and she’s always asking him about his feelings.
What 3rd Grade Was Like: Sure, Stephen didn’t have many friends, but he didn’t need any. At school he’d prefer to work alone, and during recess he’d play hide-and-go-seek with himself in one of the bathroom stalls. Stephen didn’t need attention from others, he had himself, a playroom that locked from the inside, and an imagination that would make a 15-year-old jealous. Where Stephen is Now: There were thousands of people out there just like Stephen, and he knew it was a safe bet. After making a small fortune on the futures stock of Jergens’ new So Soft: For Him lotion, Stephen retired to a lovely suburb of Salt Lake City, Utah. With a T1 connection and admin privileges on six different pornography torrent sites, his only interaction with humans these days is when he talks to the Jimmy John’s delivery man through the door. “The money’s in the mail box,” he grunts, “leave the Totally Tuna on the doorstep.”
Swingin’ Sally How Sally Was Raised: One time Sally’s babysitter had an emergency, and she had to drop Sally and her brother off back at Sally’s parents’ place. It was weird—Sally thought they were out of town, but here were 10 cars up and down the block! When she walked inside her mom told her dad that the swing in the basement was broken. Sally wasn’t allowed in the basement, though. Why couldn’t she sit in the swing? What 3rd Grade Was Like: Tim left Sarah, then
Politically Correct Corey How Corey Was Raised: All the other kids could go crying to their mommies, but Corey was forced to have “open tear dialogue” twice a week with a “parental advisor.” What 3rd Grade Was Like: During gym class Corey would often self-eliminate himself from dodge ball matches, fearing he might be forced to make some non-PC decisions about who he should hit with a ball. Sure, Martha may be a
Billy left Diane, then Corey left Tanya, then Eric left Molly, then Aaron left Bethany, then Robert left Suzy, then Sally realized the power she had over the opposite sex. It turned into a game of Pokémen, she had to catch them all. Where Sally is Now: After years of meticulously pouring through the Craigslist casual encounters section, Sally lives happily with her man-harem in warm and sunny Austin, Texas. The quirky eight-some all enjoy each other’s company during the day, but when the lights go out at night it’s a sausage party, and she’s the buns.
little overweight and asthmatic, but is an easy kill worth the weight on his conscience, knowing he’d be responsible for a hip replacement she might need when she’s 80? Where Corey is Now: Corey currently lives in Portland with his life-partner Sasha and their two-year-old daughter, Milanesa. When Corey isn’t spending his free time writing freelance opinion pieces promoting the abolishment of gender-specific pronouns, he can be found assembling cruelty-free cardboard shelves in his soon-to-be open paleo-vegan neighborhood grocery.
Sam the Stalker How Sam Was Raised: Sam spent many hours in timeout, both at home and at school. He grew to enjoy being present without participating in most situations. What 3rd Grade Was Like: Sam’s favorite times at school were when all the 3rd grade classes would swap classrooms to learn different subjects. Every day from noon to one he sat in Sarah Mason’s seat. One day he found her di-
Bondage Ben How Ben Was Raised: Ben grew up with four rowdy older brothers and a mom “physical” enough to handle them. It wasn’t often that he got attention from her, but when he did, she made sure he didn’t act out again. What 3rd Grade Was Like: Ben kept quiet for the most part, but was oftentimes found to be the sneaky instigator behind playground fights. If the teacher ever sided with Ben, his
ary in the desk, one day he smelled her mittens, and one day he found her address. Where Sam is Now: Sam lives a quiet life in Tallahassee, Florida. During the day he works at as a deliveryman whose daily route just so happens to include Sarah Mason’s work, home, favorite restaurant, hair dresser, grocery store, coffee shop and a certain tree outside her bathroom. He lives with his dog Rex and an amorphous collection of blond hair, chewing gum, and semen in his basement, named Sarah.
attacker was left angry and confused. “You don’t understand,” they’d plead, “he was literally asking for it!” Where Ben is Now: Right now Ben is being sat on by a 250-lb, latex and leather-clad shewoman in a dimly-lit, unfurnished basement. With one last exhale he’ll be on the brink of unconsciousness, and though “ganana brabber” is his safe word, he has yet to say it. Instead, his final breath is spent on “yes mamma!” while Big Bertha whips his thighs with a small cane and cranks the Rob Zombie.
s s e u G the
the madlib
scrolling through twitter
Whoops, here we go again. I was sitting on the bus, on my way to ___1___’s apartment, trying to drink some ___2___ and maybe play some ___3___, you know, really chill out for a bit. But then I got on Twitter and I became stressed.
So then I tweeted, “Heading to ___15___’s to zen out. Namaste.”
Almost instantly ___16___ favorited my tweet and I instantly felt self-conscious. Namaste? What the fuck! I’ve only done yoga once and it was during ___4___ tweeted a picture of herself licking a bottle spring break ___17___ and I ended up leaving half of ___5___ with her legs wrapped around ___6___ way through because I was___18___-hungover with the caption, “YOLO, gettin’ mad ___7___and and puking. getting turnt up in ___8___!” I was like, okay that ___9___ but low-key I was jealous. Should I be do- By the time I got off the bus, all I wanted to do was ing the same? rip shots of ___19___. And wouldn’t you know it, I walked into my friend’s living room and saw her Then I saw The Onion tweeted a headline, “19-year- drinking from a fifth. old Says Her Future as a ___10___ Will Go Well, ___11___ Laughs.” But that’s what I’m studying!!! “I was just sitting on Facebook and started feelWhat, should I change my major to ___12___ and ing really bad about myself,” she said, looking at never drink and stay in ___13___ all day and night me with already glossed-over eyes. “And I have and just chain smoke ___14___??? UGH. ___20___ in the oven.” I walked over to her, took a swig, gave her a hug, and realized everything was alright.
1) Friend 2) Type of beer 3) Old-school game 4) Young female celebrity 5) Liquor 6) Gangster rapper 7) Slang for intoxicated 8) Major city 9) Derogatory term for women 10) Career 11) World leader 12) Hard major 13) Main library name 14) Cigarette brand 15) Friend from #1 16) Annoying acquaintance 17) Year you graduated from high school 18) Fruity drink 19) Popular liquor 20) Dessert
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