The Black Sheep
FR FRI EE...L DAY IKE . W YO U HO WA R P L A NTS NS TO T H I S PAR T Y?
Vol. 6, Issue 4
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
2/13/14 - 2/19/14
CENTENNIAL DINING HALL TO HOLD THREE-COURSE
VALENTINE’S DAY DINNER BY: CORA NEISEN Attention, UMN students! Do you want to take your significant other to a nice dinner on Valentine’s Day? Do you need to find something within your measly student budget? Do you like dry food sitting under lights, carpeted walls, and creepy fluorescent lighting? If you answered yes to any of those questions, Centennial Dining Center has just the place for you this Valentine’s Day! For just two swipes and a $15 FlexDine charge, a romantic, upscale, intimate dinner for two can be yours. Enter through a dingy tunnel and feel the musty, rustic ambiance as you wade through piles of dust and scraps of food. Smells of aged meatloaf, French fries, and old coffee waft through the tunnel, beckoning all to join the festivities. While the university didn’t allow for a jazz band, enjoy the unique sounds of impatient, hungry teens, clinking plastic cups, and an obnoxious pizza oven, as they create a welcoming and warm environment. Feel the temperature immediately rise as you step into the kitchen area where heat lamps desperately try to reinvigorate the pork left over from lunch. Begin your fine dining experience
with a Hungarian meat stew made with gourmet squirrel meat, and the display of vegetables -- which, due to FDA requirements, cannot “technically” be called a salad bar. However, Centennial Dining Center prides itself on its top-notch vegetable display, boasting dayold spinach, moldy carrots, and other unidentifiable plants. To add more life to your salad, douse it in our savory selection of crusty salad dressings. Though it might be difficult, be sure not to eat too much squirrel meat, because the next course is even better than the first! Continue your dinner with a choice of Salisbury steak, a gourmet hot dog, or a broccoli-tuna casserole. The Salisbury Steak is served with mashed potatoes, the oils of the tough meat slowly oozing over the starchy mash. While critics of Centennial discuss the frequency of mystery meat, the only mystery of this meat is why you wouldn’t want a steak drizzled in salty gravy with chunks of fat dispersed throughout? The gourmet hot dog is for those of you who are less adventurous. Centennial Dining Hall is not entirely sure where the meat for the hot dogs originated, but we do know someone muttered a confusing comment about buying a bulk supply out of some guy’s
van in Van Cleve Park. The last option, the broccoli-tuna casserole, is sure to be a tasty, flavorful lukewarm option for those that prefer it over our first two offerings. You can even get your daily serving of vegetables from the broccoli that was found in the depths of the freezer. You know, like scotch, broccoli gets better with age, and you should feel lucky to be getting some from the Clinton years. Finish your dinner off with a complementary chocolate chip cookie and some ice cream from the self-serve ice cream machine*. The trays of cookies are always the first to go during dinner, so we suggest stuffing a couple in your Velcro wallet for future use. While you enjoy your decadent meal, take note of the 1970s sports pictures, sticky tables, and hard chairs which create a fun and lively environment where the discomfort isn’t just psychological, it’s physical! All the while, the dimly-lit fluorescent lights, carpeted pillars, and mauve-colored plates keep the evening a throwback to a more romantic time. This exceptional offer is only available until 7 p.m., so be sure to come early and beat the crowds of angsty, awkward love-birds. Did
we mention that there are no reservations or registration required? Simply show up and have the rest taken care of for you! Hundreds Several students have already made plans to attend this oncein-a-lifetime opportunity, so make your plans today! For the lonely on Valentine’s Day,
Centennial Hall has offered an option for single people as well. For just one swipe and a $5 FlexDine charge, you have full access to the three-course dinner and are free to roam about the tables where you might even meet your future spouse! For more information, contact the Centennial Hall CA Melvin. We hope you take advan-
tage of this exciting opportunity! *Manger’s note: the ice cream machine is prone to explosively spewing runny ice cream all over the floor. If this event occurs, we politely ask that you inform the nearest employee. We apologize in advance for the unromantic nature of an exploding ice cream machine.
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SOME GUY IN FRATERNITY DOESN’T THINK IT’S THAT COLD
CAMPUS PARTY HAS GREAT LIQUOR, SURPRISING ALL
PARENTS RELIEVED DAUGHTERS DRAW THE LINE AT ORAL SEX
FOR SOME BROS IT’S ALWAYS SHORTS SEASON.
CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE A PARTY WITHOUT BURNETT’S?
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LOVE WAITS, AND ONLY BJS AND HJS UNTIL THEN.