The Black Sheep
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Vol. 5, Issue 6
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
10/10/13 - 10/16/13
The Stank Epidemic: A Growing Concern for Deodorant at UMN
BY: Heather Berglund MINNEAPOLIS, MN- One warm Wednesday evening, Michael Evans sat on the Campus Connector headed toward the ever-enchanting St. Paul campus. Completely unaware of how bad his stench was, he sat on his phone playing Candy Crush Saga. He was down to his last life, as was everyone within a 20-foot radius of him, all of whom were at risk of deathby-stank. “I didn’t want to say anything, but my nose felt like it did when I snorted a line of chili powder,” Sarah Johnston, junior at the University of Minnesota, told The Black Sheep in regard to Michael’s overwhelming odor. “I was so disgusted I think my throat started to hemorrhage. I’m going to Boynton after class for sure.” There’s a growing epidemic at the University of Minnesota involving young men and women rolling out of bed wearing yesterday’s clothes, drenched in their own brand of stench and beginning their day without rolling on some D.O. “It’s just, like, it’s the Campus Connector… we’re all squished together like livestock on their way to the State Fair. It smells bad enough. Why can’t you just put on some cologne or strategically rub on those magazine samples?” Johnson whined. “What it really comes down to is ignorance,” Dan Bergstrom, a professor of Deodorant Studies in the ‘Youth Development Department explains. “It’s all about standing up to ‘The Man’, some-
thing these young hooligans really love to do.” According to Bergstrom, it carries over into young adulthood too. Young men and women rely on smell first and foremost to determine a mate, much like the rest of the animal kingdom, and sometimes they get so used to their own brand that they don’t even realize how bad their Stank is. But how bad is The Stank? The Black Sheep sacrificed their noses (and sanity) for an hour in the name of investigative journalism, and sat on the Campus Connector while chronicling the different kinds of odors. The infamous “onion smell” was particularly pungent. It’s that kind of aroma, a sweat scent, mixed with the distinct smell of putrid vegetables, all being stirred together with your grandma’s bunion-laden foot, that’ll give you no other choice but to get off a stop early just to get a breath of fresh air. The runner-up for most disgusting stench was the classic “au naturale” smell. A smell that tends to emanate from college kids when peer pressure convinces them to take “just one more shot” the night before, leaving them little motivation to hop in the crusty dorm shower to freshen up. On these occasions, the smell of alcohol, sweat, and body odor fuse together to make a lovely scent one can only describe as eau de college. This doesn’t just affect those of us on the Campus Connector. Freshman Gregory Lemarch, a virgin to The Stank and a gummy-worm enthusiast, com-
mented on this epidemic while standing in line for Jamba Juice. “Suddenly, I wasn’t thirsty for my triple-protein-boost mango smoothie. All I could smell was vodka and sweat, and it reminded me of all those Thanksgivings with my crazy uncle, who once accused the turkey of being a Communist…” The Black Sheep didn’t have further questions, but did accept his gummy worm offering.
If there’s one thing that The Black Sheep prides itself on knowing, it’s various ways to mask the shame of the night before. Seriously, there are just about as many convenience stores on campus as there are chemicals in the UDS hot dogs. So there’s no excuse for a shortage of deodorant whatsoever. Even the Coffman
Bookstore sells those small deodorant sticks that can double as weed canisters once you finish them. The issue with these college kids is not the lack of available deodorant, but a lack of will and the brainpower to put it on. At the rate things are going, societal structures are on their way to a complete collapse, just like your roommate’s nasal cavities as they realize the true power of The Stank.
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