The Black Sheep
Sav free or ...li the ke t h a and roma e Dink gre of M y to asy wn c hom Dona sta ele lds, nk. ssn Wh ess isk e .
Vol. 5, Issue 7
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
y,
10/17/13 - 10/23/13
The University shutdown BY: Megan Felz The University of Minnesota decided to take a page out of the government’s play book and get out of the action. President Kaler has announced a university-wide shutdown. Folks around the UMN campus are trying to get to the bottom of what will go down as “The most idiotic thing to happen since the ‘M’ was painted on the 45-yard line.” Luckily, The Black Sheep is here to provide you with some answers. The conflict began on a weirdly temperate, cold-rainy-hot-mucky (let’s just accept that the weather’s been weird) day. The good people of the East and West Banks could not come to a conclusion on the matter of where to allocate their funds. The CEOs over at Carlson were demanding a full-time employee to buff their shoes upon entering the building. The kids over at Rarig were campaigning for an ungodly number of strobe lights to be strategically placed throughout the buildings. The people at Tate wanted a bedazzled telescope. Finally, all of the English majors in Lind wanted a monkey in a top hat. This is merely the surface of the long list of contentions. As a result of parties unwilling to come to terms on a budget, all nonessential university staff will be sent home to shenanigan to their hearts’ content. Positions that have been deemed essential and will remain open include all coffee shop personnel, the Campus People Watchers’ executive board, every pizza vendor within a 1-mile radius, the people who make the nametags for the university, and everyone who preaches in the middle of the Mall. McNamara Alumni Center will remain open as well, because nobody wants a horde of crotchety alumni bombarding the building with their walkers and peeing in the fountain out of resentment. In addition, all construction will continue because if that light rail isn’t finished by 2014, then what are we even doing here, people? What’s the point? Additionally, all tours for the time being will be cancelled. The intense urge to wear khakis and walk backwards for an ungodly amount of time will have to be satisfied elsewhere. Jobs that were once occupied by “non-essential” employees will be taken over by whoever the hell wants to drive the Campus Connector and anyone who feels as though they have the balls to man the deep-fryer over at the Chick-fil-A in Coffman. Worse still, financial services will be closed and bartering will become the law of the land. Commodities such as froyo and coupons for a free t-shirt with the purchase of a $100 tattoo will become means
for compensation. A cup of coffee will now cost twelve homecoming buttons, and your textbooks will run you about 500 gumballs . Prepare accordingly. It’s unsure when the “shutdown” will shut back up, but until the two banks of the mighty Mississippi can come to a verdict on how to divvy up funds, it appears as though the UMN campus will remain closed indefinitely. The estimated costs that’ll be incurred as a result
page 4
page 5
Rapper Turns the Tables on Police
Top 10: Terrible UMN Date Locations
A peek into senility and why the fire department remains lovable.
of the shutdown are, at the very least, equivalent to the mental health bills that you racked up after you saw your parents having sex on the hammock in your backyard. Right now the only thing that seems to provide even a glimmer of hope for reconciliation among the banks are talks of getting a zip-line from the Social Sciences building to Coffman. Until that day comes, brace yourselves for a ride that’s shaping up to be more tense than wearing a Packers jersey to a Vikings game.
think again on potential budgetfriendly campus spots
Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_UMN • theblacksheeponline.com
page 11
Are you smarter than Kelsey from the LIbrary didn’t know what an equilateral quadrangle was. Do you? Probably not.