The Black Sheep
fre e. wh ..like t en it s he wh ays “ta ole bo ke o wl ne. ”
Vol. 5, Issue 8
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
10/24/13 - 10/30/13
Dinkytown Implements
Halloween DRESS CODE BY: Alexandra Adams Hello all, Dinkytown Directors Board here. We board members take pride in our neighborhood, or at least the parts that aren’t covered in red Solo cups, Keystone cans, and vomit. That may be most parts, but nonetheless, we respect this sacred area. You rugrats should be doing the same. When you’re not parading about the party scene in stripper boots, almost getting pregnant, or standing in the bar close line at Qdoba, you’re making idiots of yourselves in our fine street and sidewalks. For this reason, we’re proud to announce an official Dinkytown dress code this Halloween. That’s right, gird your loins because lingerie and a set of animal ears are no longer an option. Kiss sweet sluttiness goodbye. If it were up to us everybody would be a nun, including the men. Our first guideline for this Halloween weekend is “The Rule of The Shirt.” Gentlemen, we are aware some of you have beautiful, chiseled, Greek-god worthy abdominals, but you need to be aware that they must be covered. Plus, last year we saw an obese kid wearing only a Speedo and body paint, likening him to a giant, creepy magic 8-ball. We don’t need to see that again. Especially since it was an extraordinarily hair-covered magic 8-ball. Continuing on the shirt rule, ladies: you have to wear one too. It seems that over the summer everyone forgot what a shirt was. So, why don’t we list some stuff that is not a shirt: bikini tops, sports bras, pushup bras, wonderbras, regular bras (if those even exist anymore), anything that doesn’t extend to the belly button (which we’re assuming you’ve pierced), things that show your tits, things that almost show your nipples (which we’re hoping you haven’t pierced), and things that have no back. Just put on a shirt or dress that kind of covers some of your spray-tanned skin. That’s really all we’re asking. The second rule we will be forcing upon you is that absolutely no skirts shall fall above the knee. We don’t care if you’re a dude, or a lady, or a dude who looks like a lady. You need to wear a skirt low enough to prevent anyone from seeing your genitalia. Fair enough? Sure, your sex appeal will all but disappear, but hey, at least you’ll be warmer on those crisp autumn nights.
Finally, we’re drawing up a rule in regard to shoe height: two inches, tops. We do not want to see some 5-foot-tall, slutty hobbit trying to compensate by trekking around in six-inch heels. Honestly, this is a lot more for your safety than anything else. We’re just trying to decrease the alarmingly high rate of broken heels and subsequent broken ankles here. Just a couple weekends ago, one of you skyscraper wanna-bes pulled a King Kong and took out all three ropes outside Mesa Pizza, ALL OF THEM, and then proceeded to scuttle home crying. Sure, it was really funny at the time, but later we realized that you kids
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could really hurt yourselves. Despite how hostile these rules seem, we’re just making them because we love you. You’ll notice we didn’t even ask you to refrain from getting sloppily drunk. Really, we here at the Dinkytown Directors Board are being pretty lenient here. All we ask, good students, is that you hide away the cooters and cocks. Sincerely, DDB
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Apartment Complex Burns tragic fire starts after a chaotic Mileyinspired catfight.