The Black Sheep
fre e. wh ..like t en it s he wh ays “ta ole bo ke o wl ne. ”
Vol. 5, Issue 8
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
10/24/13 - 10/30/13
Dinkytown Implements
Halloween DRESS CODE BY: Alexandra Adams Hello all, Dinkytown Directors Board here. We board members take pride in our neighborhood, or at least the parts that aren’t covered in red Solo cups, Keystone cans, and vomit. That may be most parts, but nonetheless, we respect this sacred area. You rugrats should be doing the same. When you’re not parading about the party scene in stripper boots, almost getting pregnant, or standing in the bar close line at Qdoba, you’re making idiots of yourselves in our fine street and sidewalks. For this reason, we’re proud to announce an official Dinkytown dress code this Halloween. That’s right, gird your loins because lingerie and a set of animal ears are no longer an option. Kiss sweet sluttiness goodbye. If it were up to us everybody would be a nun, including the men. Our first guideline for this Halloween weekend is “The Rule of The Shirt.” Gentlemen, we are aware some of you have beautiful, chiseled, Greek-god worthy abdominals, but you need to be aware that they must be covered. Plus, last year we saw an obese kid wearing only a Speedo and body paint, likening him to a giant, creepy magic 8-ball. We don’t need to see that again. Especially since it was an extraordinarily hair-covered magic 8-ball. Continuing on the shirt rule, ladies: you have to wear one too. It seems that over the summer everyone forgot what a shirt was. So, why don’t we list some stuff that is not a shirt: bikini tops, sports bras, pushup bras, wonderbras, regular bras (if those even exist anymore), anything that doesn’t extend to the belly button (which we’re assuming you’ve pierced), things that show your tits, things that almost show your nipples (which we’re hoping you haven’t pierced), and things that have no back. Just put on a shirt or dress that kind of covers some of your spray-tanned skin. That’s really all we’re asking. The second rule we will be forcing upon you is that absolutely no skirts shall fall above the knee. We don’t care if you’re a dude, or a lady, or a dude who looks like a lady. You need to wear a skirt low enough to prevent anyone from seeing your genitalia. Fair enough? Sure, your sex appeal will all but disappear, but hey, at least you’ll be warmer on those crisp autumn nights.
Finally, we’re drawing up a rule in regard to shoe height: two inches, tops. We do not want to see some 5-foot-tall, slutty hobbit trying to compensate by trekking around in six-inch heels. Honestly, this is a lot more for your safety than anything else. We’re just trying to decrease the alarmingly high rate of broken heels and subsequent broken ankles here. Just a couple weekends ago, one of you skyscraper wanna-bes pulled a King Kong and took out all three ropes outside Mesa Pizza, ALL OF THEM, and then proceeded to scuttle home crying. Sure, it was really funny at the time, but later we realized that you kids
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Congress Debate Over annual Halloween Party
Snapchat: Changing The Way We See Nudes Forever
an insider’s look into a potential Halloween Shutdown.
could really hurt yourselves. Despite how hostile these rules seem, we’re just making them because we love you. You’ll notice we didn’t even ask you to refrain from getting sloppily drunk. Really, we here at the Dinkytown Directors Board are being pretty lenient here. All we ask, good students, is that you hide away the cooters and cocks. Sincerely, DDB
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Apartment Complex Burns tragic fire starts after a chaotic Mileyinspired catfight.
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Recently Reconvened Congress Faces Polarizing Debate
Over Provisions for Annual Halloween Party By: Benny Boy
“The Republican Party would like to make clear its opinion that the giant tarantula overseeing the senate chamber is more along the lines of a ‘Creepy-Crawly’ party theme, when it was decided in January that we would proceed in a more supernatural, spooky theme.” Such is the rhetoric being used by House Majority Whip Kevin McCarthy in debates over provisions for the House’s annual Halloween Hullabaloo, a current point of contention between the recently reconvened parties of the US House of Representatives. The issue became a major focus of debate last week when House Speaker John Boehner announced his intention to attend the party at Walter White, which was met with fierce opposition by the Democrats, spearheaded by President Obama who claimed that he made his intention of going as Walter White clear in this year’s State of the Union Address. Tensions were further heightened when Boehner suggested that Obama instead go as Gustavo Fring, to which Obama replied, “Wait, why do I gotta be Gus?” The two have not spoken or touched legislation since. The debate then escalated into an argument over the constitutionality of having Washington state representatives select the spooky playlist for the event, a practice which has been in place since
the Fred B. Norman era of 1943-1945. It was then debated whether Halloween was even a thing when the constitution was drafted. After researching for a minute on his iPhone, Illinois representative Aaron Schock announced that Halloween derived from Welsh folklore, and that the term “Halloween” was established well before the drafting of the Constitution, making its implied inclusion in the document fairly plausible. Washington state representative Doc Hastings then added that Halloween did not migrate to the Americas until the 20th century due to puritanic opposition of the holiday during the 18th and 19th centuries, implying that the hullabaloos of said holiday were not strictly regulated in the document. The case will soon go to the Supreme Court. “The Washington representatives just play ‘The Monster Mash’ over and over,” New York representative Charles B. Rangel related to the press. “Truthfully, that’s also what I would play if I were in charge of the playlist, but it’s the principle of the matter.” Radical Republicans have even gone so far as to call the entire costume-wearing custom an affront to the lower-class representatives from Montana and Wyoming. Republican Majority leader Eric Cantor stands at the forefront of this radical movement, “The Democrats would have
you believe that every representative can afford flashy Walter White costumes, but that simply isn’t the case. Forcing every person to wear a costume hurts the representatives from small constituents like Nevada, Oklahoma, and stuff like that.” Despite being a fierce opponent to the costume requirement, Cantor himself will once again be reprising his Satan costume. “Just because I don’t think the Idaho people need to wear costumes doesn’t mean I won’t be dressing up myself. My Beelzebub costume was the hit of the party last year, I can’t not go as the Dark Lord again.”
At the rate that party legislation is currently moving, it will take a small miracle for the Halloween Hullabaloo to be ready in time for Halloween, which House members predict will be sometime near the end of October. There is a ray of hope, however, which lies with the bipartisan members of the House: although having petty disagreements about which food and music should be present at the party, both sides agree that there should be plenty of booze.
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The
Top
Ten
Things You Can Buy Instead of Paying Tuition at UMN By: Megan felz
Back in the 1920s you could have bought a house, or enough bacon to build a life-sized replica of Mount Rushmore with $14,000. Now, with it being 2013 and all, merely one semester at the University of Minnesota will run you at least $14,000 if you’re in-state and $20,000 if you’re out-of-state, and that doesn’t even factor in the money to fund your addiction to Baby Bottle Pops. The Black Sheep is here to offer up some alternative suggestions on ways to spend that $14,000 of tuition that would be much better than focusing absurd amounts of mental energy on trigonometry or writing an essay on the history of peanut butter. 10.) 20 t-shirt launchers ($699/launcher): One of the many tragedies in life is never having a tshirt launcher when you need one. There are few things more empowering than having the power to shoot a 100% cotton article of clothing 150 feet in the air, except shooting one 300 feet in the air. 9.) 8,484 cans of silly string ($1.65/can): You could be spending your time reading 500 pages of your professor’s research or you could be playing with a nice compact can that houses 500 feet of stringy goodness. C’mon, is that even a contest?
Snapchat: Changing the Way We Send Nudes, Forever By: Heather Berglund MINNEAPOLIS, MN- As much as Gophers “hate” it, we secretly love Snapchat. It’s the perfect way to send your friends your beautifully tragic duck face without the threat of them tweeting it to all fortysix of their followers. Since it only lasts ten seconds, Snapchat is the perfect way to show everyone how dumb your face can really look while you’re sitting in a dark hallway, eating peanut butter straight out of the jar, pretending to have a life while listening to “Wrecking Ball” on repeat. Not only that, but it’s also the perfect medium to use for sending nudie pics. Back in the day, circa Google Glass, your only option for sending a picture of your junk was via the classic multimedia message. This prehistoric means of information exchange is outdated and has been deemed “über-lame” by college kids everywhere, including Puerto Rico. “I don’t really know what we had before Snapchat. Like, how else am I supposed to show my friends how cute my face can look when I scrunch it up like this?” UMN senior Taylor Jones said as she demonstrated her perfect “Oh, I did not know there was vodka in that orange juice” face, that, deducing from the way her skirt was on backwards, she had practiced last night. No judgments were made. At the University of Minnesota, Snapchat runs rampant, taking on a life of its own like that intense game of Chutes and Ladders you played with your grandparents. Just take one walk through a lecture hall like Wiley or Nicholson, and without fail, you’ll see more orange-faced girls than OompaLoompas in Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. These gals are all sporting athletic shorts and large sweaters, flashing a peace sign at their phones,
and pursing their lips, as if kissing the invisible ghost of Michael Jackson (we know this kind of thing would’ve totally been up his alley). “I think it’s some kind of… ironic thing?” Jones shrugged. “I dunno, it’s better than watching The Dr.Oz Show. I mean, my friends at UMD can still see my face even when I’m buying toothpaste at CVS, a thousand miles away from them.” But how badly do they want to see that face, or what’s below it? All throughout campus, the faces are the same. In the lecture halls, on the Campus Connector, even those spontaneous toilet-seatselfies. Seeing girls making ugly-ass faces into their phone camera has become so normalized that people no longer question it. There was once a time when, if someone were to make the same face, an ambulance would have been called because they were probably having a stroke. Now, people all over just chuckle and shrug, sighing, “Oh, Snapchat!” “It’s almost too easy, now,” says a member of Delta Delta Chi, whose name The Black Sheep forgot to write down because we were too busy staring at his beautifully sculpted abs while he “ironically” listened to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song. “Snapchat has just launched us into a whole new world for sending nudes… it’s awesome, dude.” It really is “awesome, dude.” With Snapchat, comes the onset of twisted girl faces and dick pics, but it’s undeniable how easy it has made sending nudes. One can just send away and feel confident and safe, knowing your most private essential areas will be forever private after ten seconds. However, one’s shame, much like that SpaghettiO stain on the carpet, is slightly more permanent.
8.) 4,682 pizza Lunchables ($2.99/Lunchable): With the diversity of Lunchables that are now filling supermarket aisles across the nation, you could easily live off of them without dying of malnutrition, with only a slight possibility of OD-ing on preservatives. Luckily, it’ll take you about 12 years to finish all of these, so hopefully by then you’ll have your shit figured out. 7.) 1 hot air balloon ($14,000/sport-sized balloon): Before there were airplanes there were hot air balloons, carrying people off into the sunset since 1783. You have few opportunities in life to be around copious amounts of propane, so take advantage of such a flammable occasion. 6.) Enough food to feed 280 African children for a year ($50/year/child): Seriously, you’re learning about the PH content of who-gives–a-shit and the evolutionary process of your butthole when you could be saving children? Time to get your priorities in order. 5.) 311 Easy Bake ovens ($44.99/oven): You don’t need to be in Carlson just to capitalize on your innate entrepreneurial skills and start your own Easy Bake Oven business. Not to mention, the slight risk of fire hazard keeps things exciting. 4.) 701 ShamWows ($19.95/Sham): “The-ShamWow! Guy” may have been seriously cracked out when he made his famous Shamwow pitch to the world, but boy did he know how to make an infomercial. Who needs to absorb knowledge when these bad boys can absorb 12 times their weight in liquid? “You’ll say WOW every time,” at least 701 times. 3.) 11 Teacup Pigs ($1200/pig): In the context of teacup pigs, one is never enough. You don’t need to socialize at college when you can just have a double-digit number of teacup pigs hanging on your every move and loving you forever. 2.) 1.5 lbs. of cannabis ($20/gram): You’re probably getting stoned anyway, so you might as well go balls-out and fully commit. Your pupils and your heart will dilate with awesomeness. 1.) 56,000 gumballs ($0.25/ball): Nothing puts things into perspective quite like a gumball exchange rate. Just think of how beautifully sculpted your jaw line will be after chewing all these bad boys. Who needs college when your jaw muscles can bite through ten layers of stale beef jerky?
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Around campus send us your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
on the Streets What was the most embarrassing thing you did in grade school? h o m o re Andrew, Sop
“Probably when I fell into the sea anemone pool at the Minnesota Zoo with all my friends around.”
ior Jessie, Sen
“When I spilled SpaghettiOs all over my white blouse before my presentation in sixth grade.”
r Laura, Senio
“In fourth grade, I was swinging with my friend and then our two other friends twisted our swings together and then let us go, and, in the process, I flew into the swing set pole and knocked out 4 front teeth. “
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Friday, November 1st
madlib What was more shocking than
seeing ___1___ dressed up as a ___2___ ’s ___3___ , whatever that means, was waking up on a ___4___ -printed futon on ___5___ at my TA’s house. Or, even more shocking, that I started the night as a sexy ___6___ and ended the night in a neon ___7___ unitard, a half-empty box of ___8___ in one hand and a fifth of ___9___ in the other. Naturally, I got the hell out of there instantly. Upon stepping into the great outdoors, I was amazed by what was before my bloodshot eyes. A group of girls dressed as members of ___10___ , but a ___11___ 1: Your best friend 2: Era 3: Wild animal 4: Cartoon character 5: Popular party street
version, were twerking on the street, clearing still intoxicated. A block down I saw a ___12___ puking in a trash can, the poor freshman. And I almost stepped over a zombie ___13___. They looked so serene in their slumber, I couldn’t dare move them. I stopped into ___14___ and noticed a ___15___ chatting with a ___16___ , and they seemed like they were hitting it off. Walking towards my dorm, I bummed a cigarette from a ___17___ , but it ended up being a joint, which was fine with me. We started talking about ___18___ and how it’s totally
6: Condiment 7: Color 8: Cereal 9: Novelty liquor 10: Heavy metal band
11: Adorable animal 12: Famous TV show character 13: Very old celebrity 14: Local coffee shop
related to global warming, even though now that I think about it, it doesn’t. When I got to my dorm, I was surprised to see my roommate making out with a ___19___. They asked me to join in and that’s when I knew they were on ___20___ still. I suggested we head to the cafeteria and they quickly obliged, commenting on how good I looked even though I clearly reeked of ___21___ and fried ___22___. As I entered the caf, I took in the sights of all my fellow sluggish, hungover peers and got the chills. I love Halloween.
15: Famous politican 16: Offensive historical figure 17: Overdone Halloween costume
18: Current event 19: Type of athlete 20: Party drug 21: Cheap booze 22: Vegetable
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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
WED: 8pm - Close: $0.25 Wings w/ College or Military ID $0.50 wings w/ out ID or Wristband $8 AYCD: Rails, Miller Lite Tap, Bacardi Oakheart $1.50 High life tall boys
TUESDAY! 8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers 8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3 Tequila Shots
TUES: Birthday Karaoke Night! Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf) $3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs $3 Long Island Pints
Thursday 10/24
COLLEGE THURSDAYS 8pm - Close: All you care to drink! $6 Bottomless Domestic Beer, $10 Bottomless Rails and Domestic Beers $1 Orange bombs, $3 Jack and Soco
9pm - Close: $3 Coors Light, $3 Long Islands, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
Karaoke Thursdays! $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 Shots from 10-close.
Friday 10/25
8pm - Close: $4 3 Olives vodka $5 3 Olives Flavored long islands $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)
8pm - Close: $3 Mich. Golden Light Pints $3 Rails, Live Music 10pm - Close $3 Grape Apes, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close
Saturday 10/26
8pm - Close: $4 Bacardi Drinks $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)
9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close
Sunday 10/27
Closed on Sundays
10am - 2pm: $5 Stack of Pancakes, $4 Bloody Mary’s Screwdrivers 6pm - 11pm: All burgers $6.99 8 - 11pm: Buy any app or dessert get a free pitcher of domestic or lite beer 8-close: $3 Domestic Bottles and $2.50 Rail Drinks
Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close
Monday 10/28
Mason Jar Monday 8pm-close: $3 Double Jack, Soco, or Rails, and Bud and Bud Light Taps $5.00 Bud and Bud Light Pitchers $10.00 Bud and Bud Light Towers
8pm - Close: $3 Coors Mugs $5 Jameson Gingers All Day Pizza for Pennies! Buy any large pizza and get the 2nd pizza for $0.99
Flippin' Drinks! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 9pm - Close
Tuesday 10/29
8pm-close: $3 U Call Its Rails, Calls,and Every Beer on Tap (items subject to tax)
8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers 8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3 Tequila Shots
Birthday Karaoke Night! Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf) $3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs $3 Long Island Pints
Wednesday 10/30
8pm - Close: $0.25 Wings w/ College or Military ID $0.50 wings w/ out ID or Wristband $8 AYCD: Rails, Miller Lite Tap, Bacardi Oakheart $1.50 High life tall boys
8pm - close: $5 for one pound of boneless wings, $2 for 1’s
Wings N Things $0.39 Wings: 4pm - 10pm 2-4-1 Drinks (9-Close)
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WEDNESDAY: Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the first time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to all Ladies
MONDAY: NO COVER! 2-4-1 Drinks (rail & domestic beer) from 9pm to 1am Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Karaoke: 10pm - 2am
TUESDAY: No Cover! Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong $3 Budweiser Products and Well Drinks $3 Heineken, Heineken Light, Amstel Light & Dos Equis Bottles 7pm-midnight $5 Mini Burger Platter (7pm-11pm)
SPECIAL NIGHT
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Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Rail & Domestic Beer $1 Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Drag Show: 10pm - 1am
No Cover! $3 Cruzan Run $3 Budweiser Products, $3 Cruzan Rum and Svedka $6 Dozen Wings (7pm-Midnight)
Thursday 10/24
Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close
Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go Dancers! Happy Hour: 8am - 2am La Femme: 8pm - 1am Dance Annex: 9pm - 2am
$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)
Friday 10/25
Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close
Come in for Dinner! All Six Bars are Open!
$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)
Saturday 10/26
Service Industry Night! Show pay-stub from your bar or club and get free cover!
Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Day!
No Cover! Inventory Reduction Sunday (IRS) $3 Specials that change every Sunday from 7pm-Close $4 Miller Lite Tall Boys during every Minnesota Pro Baseball game
Sunday 10/27
Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-1AM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $2 Sloppy Jacks All Day Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps Taco Tuesdays 5pm-10pm Root City Trio at 9:30pm Happy Hour 3-6PM, 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps
Come experience the 90s in it’s full glory with 6 bars and 3 live DJs
College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new! Free buffet starts at halftime of Monday Night Football!
NO COVER! 2-4-1 Drinks (rail & domestic beer) from 9pm to 1am Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Karaoke: 10pm - 2am
NO COVER! Happy Hour Drinks: 3:30pm-Close $3 Domestic Bottles, $3 Rail Drinks, $4 Specialty Bottles, $4 Call Drinks, $5 Top Shelf Drinks $0.35 Wings 8pm-11pm (Dine in only)
Monday 10/28
Ladies Night! Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!
18+ $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am
No Cover! Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong $3 Budweiser Products and Well Drinks $3 Heineken, Heineken Light, Amstel Light & Dos Equis Bottles 7pm-midnight $5 Mini Burger Platter (7pm-11pm)
Tuesday 10/29
18+ (21+ no cover, 18-20 $5 cover) $3 Domestic Beers and Rail Drinks, $3.75 Heineken Amateur Drag Show and Trans Exotica Come in for Dinner!
No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps $3 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain $5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight
Wednesday 10/30
Amateur Night: Watch your sexy $2 Half Pound Burgers 5-10pm coeds on stage for the first time Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: compete for $200! $2 Select Beers & Drinks Contest Starts at 11:30pm 1/2 Price Select Apps Open to all Ladies
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s n r u B x e l p m o C t n e m t r Apa By: Dan Mirabelli A Halloween party ended in tragedy last night when an apartment caught fire, leaving twentythree students injured and many more traumatized. Sources indicate that the fire began due to a stand off between two students who arrived wearing the same costume. Jenny Scott and Ali Tanner, both big fans of Miley Cyrus, decided to pay their respects to the star by dressing up as her for Halloween. However, “dressing up” may be an overstatement according to some guests of the party. “They both had next to nothing on,” vented Carla Romano. “They were crossing the line. I definitely saw labia. Once they saw each other, it really started getting out of hand.” Upon making eye contact with Jenny, Ali allegedly put on “Wop” by J Dash in an effort stake her claim as the best Miley at the party. The twerking battle that ensued claimed the first victim of the party. Matt Rodriguez, a sophomore afflicted with epilepsy, was sent into a seizure by the brutal twerkoff. “The doctors have no clue how it happened,” recalled Matt. “Their asses were just shaking so much that it was scarily disorienting. The last thing I remember before I went into seizure was the sound
me Costume After Two Girls Show Up In Sa
of my buddy puking all over a couch.” Without a clear winner in the twerking contest, the girls allegedly began searching for more ways to prove who represented Miley best. “Jenny started trying to make out with an ice-cream scooper, and then Ali really upped it by going down on the sink faucet,” explained Greg Keller, an aroused togawearing eyewitness.
“Miley doesn’t even look good with short hair. How is your zit-covered face going to even come close, bitch?” Jenny, angry that she had been upstaged, reportedly turned the water on in an attempt to embarrass Ali. Unbeknownst to her, someone had just finished cleaning out some red cups with hot water because the host “was a cheap piece of shit.” Ali spewed the scalding hot water into Jenny’s face, eliciting a wail of pain and rage. Momentarily blinded, Jenny then allegedly took her papier-mâché wrecking ball and smashed it over a bystander’s head.
“Ali ran into the linen closet and rounded up an electric razor and a half gallon of bleach,” explained Greg. “When Jenny saw that, she ran into one of the other bedrooms. The next thing we knew she was putting together a prison-style tattoo gun from objects around the apartment.” Within minutes Jenny had started tattooing an anchor on her wrist, and Ali was furiously buzzing her hair while dumping bleach all over her head. “The anchor was looking really shitty and I think that Jenny figured that out, so she stopped and decided to rip on Ali’s new haircut to make herself feel better,” Greg said. And that was when Jenny dropped the line that brought the night to its fiery end. “Miley doesn’t even look good with short hair. How is your zit-covered face going to even come close, bitch?” Jenny allegedly yelled at Ali, who was in the bathroom at the time. Ali then lunged across the room, livid that Jenny would dare to insult Miley’s style. “They were pulling hair and scratching each other, it was amazing. Definitely one of the top moments of my life,” raved Greg. “Jenny pushed Ali and start-
ed throwing beer bottles at her. There was glass everywhere; I even got a battle wound.” Keller pulled his sleeve up, proudly exposing what appeared to be a small paper cut. “And that was when Ali lit up a Molotov cocktail and threw it in Jenny’s direction,” Greg said, starry eyed. “It seemed like slow motion.” The bottle smashed against a wall, engulfing it in flames. As the party-goers ran in panic, the fire spread, consuming the room. Emergency crews arrived quickly but not before the inferno had eaten its way through the entire second floor. All told, the damages were upwards of ten thousand dollars, partly because the apartment complex was pretty heinous to begin with. Both girls are currently in custody at the Dinkytown Police Department with a hearing scheduled in the coming weeks.
Are You Smarter
than?
1) Movies: Neil deGrasse Tyson recently went on a Twitter tirade regarding the inaccuracies found in this movie. 2) Crime: In the United States penal code, how many degrees of murder are there? 3) Comic Books: Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Tim Drake, and Damian Wayne have all suited up as this superhero. 4) Elements: There are six noble gasses that occur naturally, name two. 5) Languages: Afrikaans is the native language of what country? 6) Religion: What is the last book in the Bible?
Kaleb from Blarney’s
Drinking Game
7) Australia: This island, an Australian state, is off the southeast tip of the mainland. 8) Government: Today, four countries identify communism as their form of government. Name two. 9) Clothing: The New York Knicks are named after knickerbockers, this type of clothing. 10) Economics: An economic environment in which the government exerts no control over the system is known as this kind of economics.
Kaleb’s Answers
Correct Answers
1) Avengers 2) Five 3) Robin 4) Carbon and hydrogen 5) South Africa 6) Matthew 7) New Auckland 8) Russia and Germany 9) Pants 10) Macro-economics
1) Gravity 2) Three 3) Robin 4) Helium, neon, argon, krypton, xenon, radon 5) South Africa 6) Revelation 7) Tasmania 8) China, Laos, Vietnam, Cuba 9) Pants 10) Laissez-faire
Kaleb’s Score: 3 out of 10
Recipe for disaster
Scary Movie Drinking
Halloween Candy Bark
One of the best parts of Halloween is the excellent selection of movies that we finally get to watch—like Hocus Pocus and Halloweentown—that would be weird to watch any other time of year. Disney classics aside, there will be plenty of horror and scary movies all over the airwaves, so grab a seat and play this game before the party gets hoppin’.
With the plethora of discounted candy this time of year, don’t try to tell us you haven’t run to the grocery store and stocked up. We’re all guilty of it. Here’s a recipe to mix all of your favorite chocolate pieces into one snack for an even bigger sugar rush.
What You’ll Need: Booze, a horror flick of your choice and a television. Number of Players: However many people can fit on the couch. Level of Intoxication: Varies via corniness and awesomeness of said horror flick. How to Play: Pop in the movie and take a swig for the following: - Eerie music, accompanied by strings and or piano, plays for intro credits. - A character is walking painfully slow. - When that dumb bitch who shouldn’t go down the stairs goes down the stairs. - When someone whispers “help me.” - When your favorite character dies. - When your favorite character ends up being the killer/murderer/brother of killer. - When there’s a mirror in the scene and it sets up for something scary as shit in the reflection but it ends up being like the towel rack in the background or something. - Boobs. - When a character being chased trips over their own feet as if they’re running for the first time ever. - Jennifer Love Hewitt. - When you realize the police department in your horror movie is completely and utterly useless. - When the movie ends with one more cheap “pop out” bit for good measure. The Game Ends When: The ending credits roll … or maybe it’s just time to put another DVD in and keep going.
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What You’ll Need: 1 pound bittersweet chocolate chips, 3 regular-sized Butterfinger bars, 3 regular-sized Heath bars, 5 regular-sized Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, 1/2 cup honey roasted peanuts, 3 ounces of chocolate and M&Ms or Reese’s Pieces (or both!) Cook Time: About an hour and a half. Fatty Factor: Just a few cavities, that’s all. Let’s Get Baked: - Chop up the Butterfinger and Heath bars into small bites. - Cut up the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups into quarters. - Melt the bittersweet chocolate chips in a saucepan over the stove or in the microwave and stir until smooth. Watch them closely and increase heat in small increments so the chocolate doesn’t burn. - Spread the melted chocolate onto parchment paper on a pan, leaving it about 1/4 inch thick. - Scatter the chopped pieces of candy and peanuts over the melted chocolate. - Melt the white chocolate and drizzle it over the chocolate bark. - Sprinkle the M&Ms or Reese’s Pieces on top of everything. - Let the bark cool in the fridge for 1 hour before breaking it up into pieces and chowing down. And you thought candy couldn’t get any better…
nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com 11
The Black Sheep Interviews
Steve-O
“I don’t know that one guy stands out when it comes to nut shots.”
By: Tim Mackey The Black Sheep recently caught up with Steve-O on his national standup tour. Channeling our eighth-grade selves jumping off garages and lighting tennis balls on fire, we asked him every question we could possibly think of while holding back the strange urge to have him smash something over our crotch. He’s reinvigorated and risen from the ashes, so make sure to check out his new Youtube channel and follow him on Twitter, @SteveO.
The Black Sheep: How’d you originally end up working with the guys from Jackass? Steve-O: There was a skateboarding magazine back in the day called Big Brother, which was little more than a bad influence on kids. I loved it; it was really just the greatest magazine ever. I was in the magazine and the videos. The guy in charge of the operation reached out to Spike Jonze at one point and said “Hey man, everybody loves our videos, but no one cares about the skateboarding. I think if we subtract all of the skateboarding then what’s leftover would be a great TV show.” And when you took out the skateboarding, what you had left was me and Knoxville, and Wee Man, and Chris Pontius — and Bam was making a similar kind of video on the east coast — so we kinda merged camps, the Big Brother guys and the CKY guys and that was sort of how we all came together. TBS: For Jackass 3D you were completely sober. Is there a stunt from the past that you couldn’t have done sober? S: I should say I don’t know if I ever did stunts because I was wasted. I think I’ve always done stunts because I’m an attention whore. Getting sober hasn’t really changed that at all. But there was some particularly reckless stuff, one that comes to mind was being strangled unconscious six times in a row. TBS: By who? S: Ryan Dunn did that. We were on tour in England back in 2003, and Ryan Dunn choked me out six times in a row. Yeah, it was all on camera if you just go on Youtube and type “Steve-O Chokes” you can find it. Another one was on a three-day bender when I jumped out of an airplane with no parachute into the ocean. That one wasn’t so easy.
TBS: How do you feel about having popularized the national phenomenon of butt-chugging? S: Oh man, that is… I am incredibly honored for that. It’s incredible. Knoxville sent me this video about a press conference. There were some college frat kids butt-chugging and there was some kind of outrage about it. It was the funniest fucking thing ever. I think they even called it “buttchugging,” I’m pretty sure I coined that term itself. TBS: You’re known as one of the guys who does the most intense stunts, but which member of the Jackass crew grew the most in their willingness to do horrible things to their body over time? S: I don’t know, man. We all seem to have our different strengths, it’s kind of a “apples and oranges” question. Whenever no one is willing to do something at all, then the idea trickles down to Danger Ehren. He would be at the top of the pile when it comes to willingness, that’s kinda due to his exceptionally low IQ. TBS: In Wildboyz you got a hotdog whipped from your butt with a bull whip and got your ass stung multiple times by an African emperor scorpion, with that in mind, what is the most painful stunt you’ve done? S: Oh god, I hate that question. It’s all just so subjective, man. Pain just has different criteria, the duration of the pain is an issue. While electrocution hurts more than other stuff, it’s quicker. I hate that question.
TBS: Which Jackass team member is most willing to take blows to the nuts? S: I don’t know that any of us are really psyched about it… We each have our own separate strengths when it comes to doing stupid things. But I don’t know that one guy stands out when it comes to nut shots. TBS: Is there anyone that won’t ever do them? S: No, we all do them, but we have considerable… I don’t want to say reluctance because we all do it. I mean we all do it, but we dread it.
TBS: Looking at Johnny Knoxville, he seems to have aged more in the last 10 years than most people age in 30. How do you think you’ve managed to stay young-looking? S: (Laughs) Wow, I’ll take that as a compliment. I feel like I’ve aged pretty heavily as well, but if I guess if I were to agree with you then I’d have to blame that on healthy living. I quit smoking cigarettes and stopped doing drugs and drinking alcohol and I became a vegan. I exercise and stuff, surfing’s a big one. TBS: How many years until Johnny looks like Irving Zisman? S: I don’t know man, (laughs) I don’t know.
something to do? S: I, uh, Dancing with the Stars I really did enjoy a lot, Killer Karaoke had its moments. I, uh… but yeah neither of those two were my favorite. TBS: Either in your career or not, what was the best moment in your life so far? S: I’m so jazzed about my new Youtube channel. I would say that the Youtube channel is the exact opposite of Dancing with the Stars and Killer Karaoke. I get to do what I think is fucking awesome and it’s such a treat and a joy. TBS: How long did it take you to heal from the mighty fist of Mike Tyson? S: Eh, pretty quick. I had two black eyes for a while there. I didn’t notice how long it took my nose to heal because this weird kung fu instructor guy set it straight right after it happened. I’d say like three weeks I was in pretty good shape.
TBS: A lot of the guys, if they were afraid of snakes or spiders, then that’s the stunt they would do. What was your ‘phobia’? S: I hate roller coasters, which is why I was the perfect candidate for the poo potty. I mean I hate snakes too, I really do, but uh I don’t know if... Yeah like that one thing, I mean certainly rollercoasters are a big thing.
TBS: Did you like being on Dancing with the Stars and hosting Killer Karaoke? Or was it just
TBS: I’m telling readers to subscribe immediately to your blog because it’s honestly awesome. What can they expect to see you do on it in the future? S: I don’t know, I don’t want to give up any ideas, but I’m finishing up a lie detector bit. I don’t even know how it’s gonna come out. I got Knoxville to come up a list of hilarious and uncomfortable questions for me to answer while attached to a lie detector test. I don’t know what the questions are, but I imagine they’re gonna be pretty fucking terrible. TBS: What can people expect to see on your tour this year? S: It’s filthy comedy and silly physical tricks. I think what makes my comedy unique and worthwhile is A: I’m absolutely shameless. And B: I’m rigorously honest. So if I tell a story you can damn well believe that it happened. And just judging by how shameless I am you can expect the stories to be incredibly juicy and revealing. You know I’ve been doing stand up for a long time and I’m really finding my voice and that’s exciting. People are really coming out and enjoying the show and that means a lot to me.
TBS: Is it that falling feeling? S: It’s more like not being in control, like I can jump off of shit pretty easily. It’s like with bungee jumping when I’m looking off a bridge, I spent my life kinda jumping off of stuff so much, so I know heights pretty well. I don’t care what’s tied to me, when I look off something that’s 300 feet high, I usually know not to jump so it’s hard to get past that instinct. I mean I had no problem jumping off the tower of London, which is like the tallest thing I’ve ever jumped off of. TBS: You’ve been sober now for five and a half years, no drugs, no alcohol, nothing. So what’s you’re favorite drug to not do? S: I mean… I don’t know how to answer that. I uh… I mean the reality is that if I pick up any drink or drug in short order I’ll be on everything again. I have no delusions about that. I love the saying you know “the alcohol bones connected to the weed bone, the weed bone’s connected to the cocaine bone” and so on…
TBS: You got a tattoo in January of Santa Claus crucified on your arm. Do you have a favorite tattoo? S: I like ShitFuck on my knuckles. I really do. Really because I’m quite proud of having carved out a place in my life that having profanities tattooed on my knuckles doesn’t hold me back. I’ve had ‘em… It’s been about exactly 10 years since I got ShitFuck tattooed on my hands.
TBS: Your giant back tattoo, what was the situation where that was done? Did you wake up and it was there or what? S: We were preparing to shoot the first Jackass movie and Jeff Tremaine said “Hey, don’t waste our time with any half-assed ideas because now this isn’t a TV show anymore, it’s a movie.” And I kinda took offense to the notion that I would suggest any half-assed ideas. So my immediate response to him was “Oh yeah, how about if I get me tattooed on me, larger than me?” My face on my back is way bigger than my face.
TBS: Anything else we should know? S: At the end of every one of my shows, when I walk off stage I never do anything or go anywhere until I take a photo with anyone who wants one, and lots of times people have things they want to ask me or show me. And everybody gets a chance to do that. I stick around until the bitter end, ‘til everyone who wants one gets a photo. I don’t really know of anybody who does that. And it proves to me to be a lot harder of a job to do that than the show itself. I stay committed to that though, because I want to make it a special experience for the fans who are committed to that. Make sure to read the extended interview online at theblacksheeponline.com!
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