The Black Sheep
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 9 • 3/28/13 - 4/3/13
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Hipsterism: The Death of a Trend umn staff wrote this It’s time that we laid the term “hipster” to rest. Its uses have stretched so far and so wide that it has lost all meaning. It started as a fashion trend, a hybrid of grunge and skate, but has now branched off into a scene of its own. From clothing to music, from drinking pleasures to smoking habits, the hipster movement has grown into a behemoth so large that it has become the new mainstream. It is another passing trend and nothing more. Once again, a generation’s struggle for nonconformity has conformed them all. Such are the tides of popular culture. With each rising wave that crashes upon the shore, new sea treasures are surfaced and scattered across the sands. A new craze begins, the tides recede, and more salty treasures are brought from the stream to the sea. It all started with a man sporting his hot new Wayfarer Ray Bans, a freshly trimmed mustache, and a hand-selected outfit from his local resale shop. On his side was a woman with a matching pair of shades, modeling a flowing grandma dress, rouge lips, and combat boots. They strutted out of the liquor store and onto the street hand in hand while sucking on buds and carrying a 30 pack of PBR. As they passed by, the people scoffed and stared, but secretly dug their musty, retro vibe. And so, millions of teens across the U.S. of A. started asking their mothers and fathers for hand-me-down wears, and the old vinyls that were kept in the attic. The fashion and music of the 80s and 90s were resurrected from their dingy and glittery tombs. As the record spun, the sounds of Billy Idol’s “Dancing With Myself” traveled through the headphones, and the pseudo-nonconformists of the past were born anew. Celebrity culture caught wind of revival, the disease spread, and the inflicted were given a name—hipsters. It’s funny to look back on all the trends of past decades and compare them to the qualities commonly identified with the hipster. With a vintage swag, a grunge attitude, and a “white trash” partiality to beer, the hipster is a conglomeration of multiple trends and styles. The name itself means a person who is “hip” with the latest trends and fashions. It is a word that encapsulates the quintessence of “being in the know,” which would seem paradoxical to the stereotypical attitudes carried by the scene’s followers. To its credit, the hipster movement, or hipsterism, has sprouted new mom and pop coffee shops across the nation and has been the saving grace for the starving musician. Thrift stores have enjoyed the increase in business, and the charities which many non-profit resale shops help fund are extremely thankful. What began as a fashion trend has evolved into a persona and
Top 10: Ways To Fake Your Own Death
Go out in a big, ironic bang and fake your death by applying knowledge you learned.
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a lifestyle, both of which have been brought under much scrutiny due to their vaguely leftist doctrine and the pontificating ways in which those associated with the movement conduct themselves. Hipster has been associated with many negative connotations, some of which are justified. Anyone who makes a condescending remark about your preference for non-free trade coffee is so bigheaded that it makes their fedora look more like a yarmulke. But an asshole, whether it’s a jock, nerd, or a hipster, is still just an asshole. We mustn't let stereotypes guide our judgment. We all have at least a few “hipsteresque” qualities that cyclically come with being a part of a generation.
what'’s inside
Everyone holds their taste in music, fashion, and art to be the best that had ever been, but it is not what sets us apart from the rest. So knock it off with the elitist talk, and quit whining about your shallow, pointless grievances with the preferences of others. To quote Bomb the Music Industry: “the shit that you hate don’t make you special.” Just as the trends before it, the hipsters must come to an end. There were the greasers of the 50s, the hippies of the 60s, the disco jocks of the 70s, the new wavers of the 80s, and the grungers of the 90s. The hipsters’ days are numbered, and soon they too, like all the others, will melt under the beam of the limelight and join those before them behind the curtain.
Why College Students Belong in an Old Folk's Home
TV Shows That Need to Happen
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Lots of napping, not a lot of memory… yep, let's get you in a home.
The Top Chef Serial Killer Edition.
contents
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 4: Famous Roommates You Wish You Had
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Both in the real and fictional world, there are some characters who would make pretty awesome roommates.
page 5: The iPhone's Lament If your iPhone could talk, it would call you out so hard.
page 6: from the streets What would your stripper name be?
Table of
page 7: Why Arthur Is Better When You’re Grown Up Take a stroll down memory lane and catch the obscene references and quirks you were oblivious to as a kid.
page 11: Are you smarter than... Kelsie from Blarney's thought Justin Timberlake just released his 24th studio album. What do you think?
page 12: Game of thrones or porn?
It’s surprisingly hard to tell the difference between the two.
ONLY FOUR UNITS LEFT!
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page three ! k e e W e h t f o c i P word of the week Digestimation:
The ballparking of an amount of food or drink consumed in order to exaggerate or downplay the total intake.
“In Seth’s digestimation he downed 74 chicken wings, but the way Paul remembers it, Seth ate closer to 30.”
Meet The Staff campus manager Luis Guitart
marketing manager Nishad Trivedi
Editorial Manager Alyssa Hertig
campus director Brendan Bonham
Advertising Manager Eddie Lund, Brandt Tharp
owner Atish Doshi
Writers McKinley Johnson, Katrina Nicholson Alexandra Adams, Becca Marsnik Tim Krueger, Liandra Sy Gabby Vanden Avond
Founders Luis Guitart, Hannah Comer, Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers,
distribution manager Eddie Lund
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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Ways to Fake Your Own Death
Despite your best efforts of binge drinking to forget, you can’t shake the overwhelming reality staring you in the face after this last round of midterms: you’re failing. Badly. You don’t want to flunk, but you most certainly don’t want a pesky W on your transcript either. Is it time to turn your life around and try to pull a solid C? Of course not. You’re going to do something much more rational: fake your own death. 10.) Into the Drink: You don’t understand physics. It doesn’t take a physicist, however, to know you’ll reach terminal velocity jumping off the Washington Avenue Bridge. Get a little blood on your clothes and leave them soaking by the riverbank. Everyone will buy it. 9.) Thunk: In most lecture halls, the screen projectors have a very hard and heavy base that is usually hovering at head level. Simply bend at the knees and hit that sucker with enough force that people will believe you knocked yourself unconscious. Goodbye biological science final. 8.) Telltale Heart: Your English professor thinks he’s so smart? It’s time to put those third grade writing levels to the test and create a poetic suicide note. Your artsy professor will be wracked with so much guilt, you’ll be inducted as an honorary poet laureate. Probably.
Famous Roommates You Wish You Had Gabby Vanden Avond wrote this It really would have been swell to walk in to your dorm freshman year to find Emma Watson unpacking her Burberry suitcases on one of the lofts. Since that clearly didn’t happen, it is likely that you die a little inside every time you watch Harry Potter, knowing that she got to sleep on a crappy, extralong twin mattress across the room from someone else for the past four years. Take heart though, dear readers. Emma’s not the only stellar star-studded roommate you missed out on. Here are a few more winners to mourn over and a couple of torturous could-have-been suitemates to throw your sorrow in perspective. As wonderful as Emma could have been as a roommate, rooming with her doesn’t hold a candle to the house-happy dream of rooming with Dobby. While still in the same series of movies, Dobby is a meticulous cleaner and would obey your every command. As long as you keep your socks safely guarded, you’d not only have a roommate but a loyal housekeeper as well. If Harry Potter isn’t really your thing, you should really re-examine your life choices. Kidding… But not really.
Out of sync with a former N*Sync flame? Strictly a Backstreet Boys fan? Sharing living quarters with Stanley from The Office is a feasible alternative. Sure, you’d have to steer clear of the bathroom from 6 to 8 every evening while he takes his bubble bath, and you’d go through red wine like nobody’s business, but because he is a feverous crossword participant, you’d be almost sure to have peace and quiet most of the time… That is until he brings his harem of women home to take a bath with him. Feeling pretty bad about your current living situation now? Wondering why your roommate hasn’t given you a dick-in-a-box yet (maybe because she doesn’t have one to give)? Not to worry. There are plenty of characters that would serve as worse roommates than the one you currently have. For example, rooming with anyone from Jersey Shore would be a punishment straight from the third ring of hell. Not that any of those gems will bother trying to get an education now that they’re rich from getting belligerent and shoving their genitalia all over the place, but still. Be grateful that you don’t have The Situation doing pull-ups on your doorframe, or Sam yelling “RAHN” repeatedly in your face. That’s always a plus. And speaking of Rahn, Ron Burgundy wouldn’t be that great of a suitemate either. Sure he’s infinitely funny and endlessly entertaining, but let’s be real: the mustache is creepy. If you want to pull mustache hairs out of your morning coffee, go right ahead.
7.) Burning Ring of Fire: Why yes, this method does involve arson. Your roommate (after you convince him to commit insurance fraud) can lie to help make this sound like you were slowly going insane. Every day after chemistry lab, you’d be muttering something about sulfur and hydrogen. Looks like you finally snapped and lit the apartment on fire, and were consumed in the ensuing inferno. 6.) Oh, Happy Dagger: How does one fail exactly at interpretive yoga poses? Well, apparently, you do. And like any true thespian, it’s time for an inappropriately massive response. Rarig is sure to have everything you need: namely a knife, some make up, and blood packets. Bribe some artists to make it look like you have died via self-inflicted jugular stabbings. 5.) Divine Intervention: Turns out world religions aren’t as interesting as you thought they’d be. To escape this class, simply burst into lecture late one day, screaming and whooping and going on about warding off Lucifer. When you plead with the Almighty to save you, collapse. A friend can then run up and cradle your lifeless body, praising God for being merciful. 4.) All Work and No Play: Ok, technically you won’t die in this one, but it’ll medically excuse you from your scholarly responsibilities. Get to your psych discussion early and start writing the same sentence all over the walls in Sharpie. When the class finds you whispering to yourself, seizing on the floor, the rest practically writes itself. 3.) Riddled by Ritalin: Being premed sucks. It’s ok because you know how to fake all the symptoms of a recreational drug overdose. Get a couple bottles of pills as circumstantial evidence and ingest the poison from that one show that only makes it look like you're dead. Take that, organic chemistry!
"Living with Justin Timberlake would be pretty fabulous. When your birthday comes around, we all know he’s got something real important to give you…in a box."
Hogwarts aside, the prospect of having Justin Timberlake as a roomie is not altogether unappealing. In fact, living with JT would be pretty fabulous. Think about it. Everyone (EVERYONE) loves a man who can dance, and his recent stint on SNL just may have revived this season’s barely-pulsing heartbeat. Plus, when your birthday comes around, we all know he’s got something real important to give you…in a box.
Chances are you’re better off with your current, boring roommate who watches The Bachelor nonstop and sings Beyonce in the shower.
2.) The Nature of Existence: If you find yourself unable to bullshit your way through philosophy class, simply stop showing up. Where did you go? Rather, were you ever “there” do begin with? If anyone can convince themselves you were actually just a physical manifestation of societal expectations, a classroom full of existentialists would be the ones to do it. 1.) Actually Dying: Might be a little new-age-y, but hell, it might just be the edge you need to distinguish yourself on this hipster ridden campus. You have free reign on this one. Just make sure your professor knows it’s directly their fault. Maybe you can get fat and have a heart attack or something. What else are you going to use FlexDine for?
Jake sorenson wrote this
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The iPhone's Lament Alexandra Adams wrote this Hey guys, it’s me, iPhone. NOT SIRI. She just talks for me. But, I have a big enough brain to write words. Good thing, too, because I AM SICK OF ALL YOU DICK-HOLES. Listen up kids: I put up with your shit all day everyday. Think about it. Do you ever leave home without me? Of course not. I’m on call 24/7. Which, BTW, is TOO MUCH. It’s like you can’t survive without me. If I were to die, your soul would too. I see all of your shenanigans, people: every drunken evening, failed test, and other assorted terrible choices. And that’s because you take me through thick and thin. You have me even when you shouldn’t. I think perhaps the number one thing that drives me the most friggin’ bananas is when you take me into the bathroom. HONESTLY. There you are taking a dookie with ME in your hands. I don’t need to be around that shit. Potty time is private. Find a more respectable location to text and tweet because the can isn’t one. And for the love of Jebus, quit taking me to the shower with you. If that’s not addiction, what is? I am just sick of it. What if your plastic bag is a little open? CIRCUITRY RUINED. You are sending me to my watery grave just because you are a dumb bro who can’t spend eight minutes without texting. That’s just not fair. Plus, I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOUR JUNK. My stupid design requires that I have two cameras (which, if you didn’t know because you are a stupid human, are my eyes). THERE’S
NO SAFE ANGLE. I see your naked body no matter where I am. Guess what? I found the “freshman fifteen.” It’s on your ass, my friend, and I’m not enjoying the view. Shower and toilet time is bad enough, but I'm just getting started. Let me walk you through that evening last weekend which, by the way, you don’t even remember. Unfortunately I remember it ALL. It started off with you posing for a mirror pic before heading out to get slutty and sloshed. You even posted that dumb pic to Instagram and SnapChatted your buddies before heading out to Dinky. And then you did shots. A LOT OF SHOTS (not the aforementioned selfies kind). You do know that alcohol kills your brain cells, right? Damn, you humans confuse me. I don’t pour liquid all up in my circuits just to push it back out later. Speaking of which, we just moved into the bathroom, aaaand you’re tossing your cookies. Attractive. After you half-heartedly cleaned yourself up, it’s back into the party. And, oh no. You unlocked me, and then we dove through your sea of contacts to find your high school flame. How many times must you drunkenly profess your love before you understand that it’s A BAD IDEA? But hey! Remember that attractive specimen at the opposite side of the room? You proceeded to flirt your way into a bed that isn’t yours (or your partner’s… probably). And after the dirty deed (I say dirty because your drunken sex is DISGUSTING. Who even knew you could put that there?), you whip me
out. Really? The first thing you do after boning is check your phone? Hopeless. What I’m saying is that I’ve seen some things. I have been to the mountaintop, and it is GROSS. I really try to be there for you; I am there for you. But, come on! I can’t unsee your daily bullshit. Get yourself together. I am the pristine, perfect, practical iPhone. And you college kids are fucking terrifying, oka--- SLIDE TO UNLOCK.
Why college students belong in an old folks’ home Rebecca Marsnik wrote this
Remember being a small kid and wanting so badly to go to Grandma and Grandpa’s because they let you do anything, AND they made you cookies? And then you got there and Grandma forgot you were coming and Grandpa fell asleep halfway through the visit? Remember how boring you thought they were? Well, wake up hot shot. Think back on your time as a college student. Think back on all those times you napped days on end, when prune juice was your go-to remedy for Mesa Pizza-induced constipation, or when you struggled climbing the STSS spiral staircase, as tired as grandma when she tried to climb to the attic. These “senior moments” sound eerily familiar, don’t they? And you thought you were nervous because you were turning into your father. Let’s scoot back another generation. Looks like you’re turning into your grandfather. You dare deny it? Let’s take a look. How’s your circadian rhythm? You don’t seem too in control of your sleep cycle. Watching TV, class, dinner, a Gopher football game, you name it and a college kid has slept through it. Just like your grandparents, great-grandparents, and probably your parents as well, your brain now just turns off randomly and you fall into a deep slumber from which not even the loudest roommate could wake you up. But how does this make you like your grandparents? Well, remember when you were watching the game with your grandpa and All-Day AP ran for an 80-yard touchdown, and you were yelling your head off, but your grandpa remained passed out in the chair next to you? Strike one, sport. Sleeping aside, memory seems to be a slippery slope for the college folk. You can’t remember what happened yesterday… or even earlier today.
It seems the college student’s brain only makes room for short-term, exam information. More often than not this is a result of alcohol consumption and stress, but a fair amount of the time it’s not. Have you ever sat down with your friends in the middle of the week trying to piece together what you did the night before, even though all you did was do your homework and watch TV? On a side note, the U should take this into account. If we can’t remember what we did yesterday how on earth are we supposed to remember to turn in assignments or go to class? Geez, President Kaler, get with the program. That being said, it’s hardly necessary to provide an example of your grandparents doing this because you probably came up with one on your own. Strike two. Speaking of memory, when college students do remember something, it’s usually some nostalgic anecdote: “When I was a kid…” All right big guy, this is your last chance. This one you haven’t done, though because you’re really not that old. Oh wait, that 4th grader you saw last week looking at Facebook on her iPhone, you gave her a disgusted look and turned to your friend and said, “Kids these days are so pampered. When I was a kid we didn’t have phones or Facebook until at least late middle school.” Strike three, tiger; you’re out. So you belong in an old folks home. So what? At least you’re not losing your hair. Or maybe you are; that’s cool, too. Being an old fart isn’t all that bad. You get discounts at movies and restaurants. People think everything you do is adorable, too. So maybe it’s time to embrace your inner geezer, ditch Superblock, and check in to your local nursing home. Hell, it’s probably cheaper anyway.
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What would your stripper name be? “Benjamin Dover. My friends call me Ben.” - Ben W., Sophomore
“Sneaky Leo.” - Leo V., Senior
“Sugar Tits.” - Brittany S., Senior
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
Why Arthur Is Better When You’re Grown Up Arthur Martin wrote this The 90s were easily the best time to be a kid. You had Pogs, Pokémon, Bop It, Tamagotchi, MTV with music, and those wallet chains. But even better than those was PBS television. Maybe you found yourself saying, “My God, Zoboomafoo. Are you kidding me? Yes, of course I wanna learn about puppies. I’m fucking 7!” Among the best of PBS programming, though, was a show that cannot be called anything short of “revolutionary.” That show is Arthur. He’s the yellow-sweatered, four-eyed aardvark that gave zero fucks about hittin’ switches and pullin’ bitches. That’s because he was all into morality that taught heartwarming lessons to the average American kid, which is fine if you’re into that. But the older you get, the more you may be able to laugh at parts of the show that went over your head as a child. So here’s some reasons why you should clear up some space on your hard drive full of torrented porn and Dexter episodes and nostalgically replace it with some Arthur. Welcome to the fictional town of Elwood City, where the adults don’t swear and the kids frequent an ice cream shop yet somehow never have to foot the bill. It’s a lovely place where the school bully, Binky Barnes, is secretly into art and ballet, likely a closet homosexual. Not to mention Francine Frensky, who is clearly a lesbian as made apparent by her love of carpenter jeans and being awesome at sports. Yes, Elwood City is a magical world where Buster Baxter, the long-eared child of divorce has a crippling marijuana addiction that causes him to obsess over food and alien invasions. And who can forget Fern, the quiet bookworm who was raised by hippies?
bleepin’ cannoli in the world. The bleeps are there throughout the episode (obviously), but one can’t help but laugh every time D.W. says “fuck” to her Mexican neighbor. Spoofs on Arthur are a lot funnier if you’re not in grade school. One episode even spoofs South Park by doing the paper cutouts of the Arthur characters and, yes, a UFO is involved. Another one pokes fun at I Know What You Did Last Summer. This was a film that most children shouldn’t see unless they had “cool” parents who also let them watch cable and stay over at their friends’ houses for dinner and stay up past 9.
And, awww lawdy, the pop culture references: how many kids’ shows have cameos or references to Art Garfunkel, Yo-Yo Ma, and Frank Gehry? Zero, which is coincidentally the same amount of research done for this article. The architect who designed our very own Weisman Art Museum, Frank Gehry, was on the show for, like, almost a whole episode. References! But even better than that is the fact that there is one episode that’s all about swearing. It opens with a behind the scenes look at the set of The Altos, a Sopranos spoof. These Italian mobsters sit around a table talking about cannoli and how their respective mothers make the best
So there it is. Just some of the reasons you should give Arthur a second look. So maybe instead of browsing Reddit, having a Breaking Bad marathon, or masturbating to the point of carpal tunnel, you can pour yourself a bowl of Apple Jacks before class and catch up on the adventures of your favorite aardvark. And who knows? If you don’t find it funny, maybe you’ll learn a life lesson.
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FRIDAY 3/29
Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks! $4 Domestic Tall Boys, $3 Sauza Tequila shots, $3 Any Flavor Bacardi Drinks Late Night Happy Hour 8-11PM
$2 Rails, Domestic Bottles, Lite & Premo Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Bottles & Hand Crafted Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots: 10pm - Close $4 Bloodies & $3 Screws: 11am - 2pm
Happy Hour from 11 am - 6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers
2-4-1's All Day, Everyday DJ Starts 10 pm
SATURDAY 3/30
Closed
Happy Hour Pricing All Day Long! $4 Bloodies & $3 Screws: 11am - 2pm
Happy Hour from 11am - 6:30pm and 10 pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers
45 Cent Wings All Day
SUNDAY 3/31
Closed
Big Mug Monday! $3 Lite & Grain Belt, $4 Hand-Crafted, $5 Hop-Head Specialties (10pm - close) $2 Rails & $3 Calls $2.25 Rails/Select Bottles/Drafts: 3pm - 6pm $2 & $3 Select Shots: 10pm - Close $0.35 Boneless Buffalo Wings: 4pm - 12am (w/ beverage purchase)
Happy Hour from 3 - 6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers
2-4-1's All Day EVERYDAY, EVERYTHING 1/2 Price Burgers
MONDAY 4/1
Closed
2 for Tuesday! 10pm - Close Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails & Calls $2 & $3 Select Shots: 10pm - Close $2.25 Rails/Select Bottles/Drafts: 3pm - 6pm FREE Taco Bar: 4pm - 6pm 1/2 Price Appetizers: 4pm - 6pm
Happy Hour from 3 -63:0pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers
$9 All the Pizza You Can Eat and Beer! 7pm-9pm
TUESDAY 4/2
Legendary wild wednesdays: college id night FREE Cocktail Hour! 11pm - 12am Power Hour 10pm - 11pm: $2 Rails, Select Drafts and Bottles | $3 U-Call-It: 11pm Close: Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails & Calls $2 & $3 Select Shots: 10pm - Close
Happy Hour from 3 -6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers Karaoke from 10-Close
$1 Tacos 3pm-close
WED. 4/3
Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks! All You Care to Drink (8-Close) $6 Domestic Drafts, $10 Domestic Drafts and Rail drinks, $2 Kami-quila shots Late Night Happy Hour 8-11PM
$4 House Margaritas - any flavor! $2 Rail Drinks , $3 Any Pint $4 Any BIG Draft
(excluding Chimay, Matilda & Big Eddy)
Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks!
2 for Thursday! 10pm - Close 2 for 1 Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails & Calls $2 & $3 Shots: 10pm - Close
$2.25 Rails/Select Bottles/Drafts: 3pm - 6pm
page 10
theblacksheeponline.com
TV Shows That Need to Happen: Top Chef: Serial Killer Edition katrina nicholson wrote this Ever since the premiere of Survivor back in the year 2000, America has been obsessed with reality television. Within that genre, the competition subcategory has done particularly well. Shows like American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, and Project Runway have given talented individuals the chance to skyrocket to fame and fortune by simply getting a camera shoved in their face. But let's be honest, we're all getting a little bit bored with that. It's been 13 long years of the same old shit time after time. We need to spice things up. This is where Top Chef: Serial Killer Edition comes into play. We've all seen a reality cooking competition. Usually the best part about it is salivating over the palatably photogenic masterpiece possible only on TV. Well what if the best part became watching people risk their lives? Take Hellâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Kitchen sans delicious food in a battle royale-style gauntlet. The format goes like this: get ten professional cooks to compete on the show under the false pretense of competing for the chance to open up their own restaurant. Little do they know that one of the ten contestants is actually a bloodthirsty serial killer. Sounds great already, right? Well it gets better. The chefs arrive at a new, state-of-the-art kitchen with the best (and sharpest) cooking supplies known to man. We prepare them for a standard, timed cooking contest in which they're supposed to show off their skills. Just
as that competition is about to start, the lights go out. As they're stranded in the dark with nothing to defend themselves but their spatulas and assorted cutlery, the serial killer is unleashed. One by one, she murders off each of the contestants until only one remains. The audience watches through a special night vision lens, authentically capturing the fear of culinary artists thrown in a struggle for survival. Will they put their cleaver-chopping skills to the gladiatorial test? Or will they cower in the face of danger? This is television at its finest. If the danger of a Hellâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Kitchen: Hunger Games (pun intentional) does not impress, then the world can at least ponder the gritty reactions of threatened human beings and revel in the whodunnit suspense when the lights come back on. Once the final contestant is facing the serial killer it becomes a showdown. Either the anxious chef kills the maniac or the maniac takes the victory. The victor collects the life insurance payout from each of the dead contestants. How is this possibly legal? We've forced each contestant to sign a conveniently dense 100-page contract with mostly nonsense information before the show, but it essentially signs over their entire life as well as any pets or children. If the novice chef defeats the serial killer, he or she will move on to the next show as the new serial killer. Like some horror movie plot twist, the trauma is sure to render them mentally unstable enough to doom others to a similar fate.
Come party with the black sheep! Friday, march 29th, 7pm-9pm specials: $1 Domestic Pints, $1.50 Margarita Pints
Free Sizzling Fajita Platter with any regular priced pitcher of beer or margaritas
Giveaways: Win Starbucks giftcards, Burrito Loco giftcards/coupons, shirts and more!
We accommodate underage students!
418 13th AVE. SE | MINNEAPOLIS 612.746.5626 | BURRITO-LOCO.COM
At the end of the day, this show promises an enjoyable experience for every viewer. We'll laugh as the cooks wander helplessly in the dark; we'll cry as one chef gets down on his hands and knees and begs to cook another day; we'll swoon as two chefs band together as a team to defeat the serial killer, and we'll share a moment of silence as those two chefs die shortly after for foolishly drawing attention to their team effort. Television may be a field that is always changing, sometimes for better but often for worse. With this show we will restore faith in humanity and faith in a chef who is fit not only for the kitchen, but also for the chopping block.
page 11
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are you smarter than? Kelsie, bartender at blarney's
1) History: Who is infamously known as the emperor who "fiddled while Rome burned"? _____________________________________________________
6) Religion: This well-known holiday is the Jewish day of atonement. _____________________________________________________
2) Potpourri: What is the technical name for the "study and practice of making maps"? _____________________________________________________
7) Language: What does "origami" mean in Japanese?
3) Movies: What is the name of the character, played by Meat Loaf, who is shot to death in Fight Club?
8) Liquor: Generally, this type of liquor is aged in wooden casks made of white oak. _____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________ 4) Children's Books: Brothers Joe and Frank solve mysteries in this series, which debuted in 1927. _____________________________________________________ 5) Business: A COO of a company is this. _____________________________________________________
9) Demonyms: What is the proper name for a citizen of Boston, Massachusetts? _____________________________________________________ 10) Music: What artist released his 24th studio album, The Next Day, on March 8th, 2013? _____________________________________________________
1) Nero 2) Cartography 3) Robert Paulson 4) Hardy Boys 5) Chief Operating Officer 6) Yom Kippur 7) Paper folding 8) Whisky 9) Bostonian 10) David Bowie
correct answers
_____________________________________________________
the drinking game:
Spring Break vacation pictures All right, so the vacation of a lifetime is over and you’ve probably have a couple SD cards full of drunk babes on the beach, Broseph Stalin on the back patio roof drinking a forty, and the time you got so drunk you got your ears pierced and then had no recollection of said memory. If they haven’t been posted to Facebook yet, you should probably get on that right away because you can’t play this game if you don’t. What you’ll need: Lots of beer, hard liquor to take shots with, a laptop with access to internet and a Facebook account, Facebook friends who went on spring break How to play: First, make sure every person involved in the game has a beer. Next, go through the pictures one at a time. Every time you see the following, take the alcohol that correlates with it. Take a drink of beer for every picture: - At the beach - At the hotel - At a club - On the road - In someone’s butt
Take a shot for every picture: - On the beach with girls in bikinis - In the club dancing/grinding - Of someone on the roof - Of someone getting a tattoo or piercing they’ll regret - Of someone clearly about to get in serious shit - Of someone clearly on drugs - Of someone passed out - Of someone at the hospital
The Game Ends When: All the pictures have been viewed, you’re done, and definitely don’t have a boner. Chances are you’re going to make it to 13 and feel like a winner.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
kelsie's answers 1) The Pope 2) Cartography 3) Tyler Durden 4) Sherlock Holmes 5) Chief Operating Officer
6) Hanukkah 7) To fold 8) Whisky 9) Bostonite 10) Justin Timberlake
kelsie's score: 4/10 correct
recipe for disaster: Cheesy Tots
Tater tots are like French fries’ fatter younger brother, man. But man, how did they get so fat when French fries are the ones covered in cheese, right man? Let’s try to remedy that situation and put the world back in the right place, man. What You’ll Need: A bag of frozen tater tots, a sleeve of Kraft singles, and a few extra places to pack the pounds. Cook Time: 30 minutes Fatty Factor: You’ll look like you’re carrying a tot in the ole’ belly. Let’s Get Baked: - Pre-heat the oven to 450 degrees - Place the frozen tater tots on a baking sheet. If a baking sheet is not available, then you have bigger problems, mister. - Once the oven is properly heated, place the tater tots in the oven for 20 minutes. - After 20 minutes remove the baking sheet from the oven, Place the Kraft singles on the tater tots. - Put the tater tots back in the oven for five minutes. - After the cheese is melted, enjoy. Ah, a starchy nothingness totally void of nutritional value. The communication major of food.
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
y Welcome to z
find the answers at theblacksheep onilne.com/got
Game of
hrones
People complain
1 or 2
porn?
internet porn is re-wiring our generation's brain to not care about the story, but Game of Thrones is like, 60% story! And the other 40%, well, the other 40% gives us an excuse to watch two ladies goin’ at it on the big screen in the living room like the good lord intended. Can you recall which of these scenes is from GoT and which is from a porn you won't admit to having watched?
1) Shot from a voyeur’s perspective, a naked woman is
2) A man lays injured in his bed, when an attractive woman
3)
4) It’s a stormy night. A voluptuous redhead in a robe walks
5) A man is put in an awkward situation when his best friend’s
6) In a dark dungeon a woman confronts a man who is tied
thrusting reverse-cowboy on top of a man. The camera then zooms out to reveal the voyeur isn’t the viewer, but a man receiving oral from a shirtless woman while spying on the two people having sex.
The scene opens to a shirtless brunette girl in a seethrough dress straddling the lap of another woman. She asks the other woman if she has ever kissed another girl, to which she says no, it had never crossed her mind. The girl then strips off her see-through dress and begins taking the other girl’s clothes off. They kiss, get naked, and kiss some more.
sister enters his room. He’s not sure what to say, so he compliments her dress. She says she likes it too, but like it better “this way,” and proceeds to take her top off. He is awestruck, and fumbles around for his words as she reaches down his pants and kisses him all naked-like. When he’s too nervous to get it up, she asks if he’d like her brother to join in the fun.
7) In a steaming hot tub, a skinny shirtless brunette strad-
walks in to nurse his wounds. She inspects his body starting with his head, looking for any abrasions or swelling. She comes across some major swelling at his waist. She pulls down the sheets to reveal the source of the swelling, and decides the best way to alleviate the swelling is immediately, with her mouth.
into a war room, demanding to talk to the general alone. She starts with innocent conversation, but quickly moves to rubbing his loins. At first he denies her, saying he has a wife who he loves, but she eventually wins him over after dropping her robe to the ground. He proceeds to lay her out over the war table, knocking all the pieces off as he pounds away.
up to a post. The man is blindfolded and seems to have been down there for a while, but the woman shows no mercy and whips his bare chest. Though at first she seems to be his enemy, things quickly turn around as she begins rubbing her ass into his lap.
8) A man walks into his room to the surprise of two naked
dles the lap of a man with long blonde hair. The two are merely chatting about historical events, surely just sharing a tub. But soon the subject matter of the man’s conversation alone begins to make the girl climax, and the two engage in steamy hot tub sex.
women waiting for him. They say they’ll do anything he demands of them. He decides to tell them to start on each other, and sits back to watch the two girls perform oral on each other. Soon he decides to heat things up by having one girl spank the other. As he gets more excited, he tells one to use a belt on her while he watches, telling them to hit harder. Finally, he picks up a thick black post and watches as they scream (in pleasure?)
9) A well-dressed man sits in his fancy office awaiting word from one of his workers. In walks
10) Looking through a peephole, the camera shows many women running around naked, and
a blonde woman in a skimpy dress to “alert him of some pressing news.” He doesn’t care too much about the news though, especially after she props herself on top of his table and straddles him with her legs. Despite the impending news from his attendants, the two engage in a long, sexual adventure.
11)
A midget stands tall while receiving an intense blow job from a large-breasted redhead. Just before he finishes the two move over to the bed to take things up a notch, but they’re quickly interrupted when the midget’s brother busts into the room. The brother doesn’t seem to mind what he is witnessing, and proceeds to invite three more shirtless women to climb into the midget’s bed.
13)
Open scene to a room full of naked women. Two in the corner are boisterously going at it. A man wanders in, but instead of joining in, starts to direct them on what to do to each other, and how to do it. As he speaks to them, the two women twist into several different positions before climaxing.
15)
In the hull of a pirate ship, a maiden is at the mercy of her capturer(s). She insists she is uncertain of where her rich father’s treasures are, but offers to provide booty of a different kind. The men inquire as to what kind of booty she is talking about, and the woman says “a treasure her father values greater than all of his gold,” and drops her dress to the floor.
innocently undressing. Soon, however, the man looking through the peephole is caught by a naked woman when she lays her hand on his shoulder. Instead of scolding him, though, she pushes him to the ground and proceeds to have sex with him.
12)
A boy is visiting his friend when his friend’s mom walks in. She tells him his friend will be just a moment, and asks if he’d like anything while he waits. Before he responds, his friend’s mom is sitting very close to him on the couch with her arm gently resting on his lap. He nervously asks for something to drink, to which she takes her shirt off and starts undoing his pants.
14) Upon entering his chambers, a man finds the woman who was supposed to be watching over his children bare naked in his bed. He asks what’s going on, stating a person of her stature has no business being in his bed, let alone naked. She asserts that he not worry about paying her, Her supple beauty entrances him, however, and the two engage in… all sorts of sexual deeds.
16)
It’s a dark night in a candle-lit room. A giant man with bulging muscles lies in bed awaiting a small, pale skinned blonde. Just as he’s about to have his way with her, pushing her face into the pillows, she pushes him back into the bed and gets on top, dominating him for the rest of the scene.
one very long answer from
Alex Maas, Vocalist for The Black Angels This past week The Black Sheep was fortunate enough to sit down with Alex Maas, vocalist for Austin-based psych rock group The Black Angels. Normally we have a nice back-andforth conversation in which we ask questions and get answers. Sure, that happened, but the first question we asked Alex turned into a sprawling six-minute epic that deserves to stand on its own. Their new album, Indigo Meadow hits the world on April 2nd, followed by a national tour. If you like this answer, you’ll like them. Give ‘em a whirl. The Black Sheep: Psychedelic rock is a very specific subgenre. What attracted you to it in the first place? What led you to it? Alex Maas: I mean it was basically the music we were the most drawn to. The music we were most interested in came from the late-60s era, and obviously people have hinted at that sound ever since that era came to a close. The [13th Floor] Elevators kind of claimed to coin the term “psychedelic rock n’ roll,” they were the first to put those two things together. But psychedelic music has been around since the dawn of time, right? Think about a tribe of people in the forest, and shamans taking them on a journey, a story about many generations—educational stories that their fathers had learnt over the years. That’s it, the first spiritual story that you’re telling someone through music. That concept—the storytelling concept—is intriguing in itself, whether you put “psychedelic” on it or not really isn’t the point. The idea that people refer to it—the psychedelic scene—as psychedelic, to me it’s less about the music and more about how the music makes you feel. It’s the sonic alchemist approach that we’re doing, where we’re trying to make the guitar sound like something else. Like, “What is that? Is that a guitar, or is that a helicopter?” That’s really interesting to me. You can talk about this being experimental music, or whatever, but to me the root of it is rock n’ roll. It’s not bar rock. There’s a difference, you know, between that white bar rock kind of thing and psychedelic rock. One of the main differences is, the feeling musicians have on stage, and the listener gets when listening to the music, so it’s always been about the music being a spiritual thing for us. It’s a sonic journey we take someone on. If it’s a different night we’ll take you on the same journey, but in a slightly different way.
entertainment-y things to
The reason I think I’m drawn to it, basically, is I think it has a little more soul to it. That’s why I keep referencing indigenous tribes, both currently and in the past. They are telling stories with the music, that’s why I play the music. If [I’m seeing] any band is playing music, I like to think where I am in that scenario, where the music takes me, whether it’s the Balkan Mountains in the 1930s, or wherever.
For me, psychedelic music has this visual thing that happens, and it’s more a spiritual experience than anything. That’s not to say other music can’t be psychedelic, it can—delta blues can be psychedelic, that 1920s or 30s style blues, that twangy, swampy guitar sounds like a bumblebee coming. That can be psychedelic. It can be soulful and moving. It’s coming from this soulful spot. The music makes us feel, and that’s why we’re drawn to it. And at the end of the day the goal is to translate this visceral experience through sound.
the big three
Game of Thrones: Season 3 Premiere Sunday, March 31st at 9pm on HBO Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Need to know anything else?
keep your eye out for.
Rilo Kiley Rkives out april 2
Cold War kids Dear miss lonelyhearts out april 2
These indie rock cutie-pies led by all-around perfect Jenny Lewis broke up back in 2011, as the nation sighed an exasperated sigh. If these kids couldn't make it, who could? Luckily for us, their latest release, Rkives, is a compilation album of previously released rarities and unreleased material, and we'll take anything we can get. Check out "Let Me Back In" and sigh at how cute the music video is. Ah, love springs eternal!
Arguably, Cold War Kids peaked early with their phenomenal 2006 debut album Robbers & Cowards, but have since steadily declined in the quality and originality of their music. But we like to see the glass half-full around here, and keep holding onto hope that they'll surprise with some more awesome tunes. Youtube has a few album teasers, and they sound pretty good to us.
page 14
theblacksheeponline.com
get in our maze
the madlib: April Fools’ day Dude, __1__ just left and I’ve been planning an April Fools’ Day prank that’ll have him shitting in his pants. It’ll be even better than last year, when we convinced him it would be a good idea to __2__ his __3__ to his __4__.
of __12__, but we’ll tell him he’s really eating __13__, which will totally freak him out. After, we’ll take him outside. When he starts getting handsy with strangers we’ll warn him that people are actually __14__, so he shouldn’t touch them. Finally, we’ll lead him to the roof of __15__, where the Okay, are you ready to hear this mind- plan comes to fruition. bending flash of genius? Here’s what we’re going to do: We’re going to make __5__ Once we’re on the roof we’ll let him know kill himself. I’ve been saving these __6__ we’re actually __16__ from __17__, and he’s hits of __7__ I picked up at the __8__ con- destined to save our planet from certain cert I attended last summer just for this oc- destruction. We’ll let him know the only casion. way he’ll be able to save us is by catching a __18__ __19__ that’s supposed to Here’s how we’re going to do it: First, we appear any minute. Just then, we’ll throw need to convince him that he’s actually a an inflatable water toy off the roof, scream 12-foot tall __9__ named __10__. Trust me, “It’s a __20__!” and see him plummet to __11__’s weird, so convincing him won’t be his death. too hard. Once he really starts to feel it, let the games begin. We’ll feed him a bunch It’s going to be so hilarious, man.
1) Name of a man 2) Verb 3) Body part 4) Different body part 5) Same name as 1 6) Number 7) Drug 8) Band or musician 9) Animal 10) Weird name 11) Same name as 1
12) Food 13) Gross item 14) Futuristic thing 15) Campus building 16) Mythical creature (plural) 17) Imaginary land 18) Color 19) Mythical creature 20) Same as 19
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