The Black Sheep sist
Vol. 5, Issue 9
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
f er’ ree... s cr lik app e you yh all r litt ow le een cand
y.
10/31/13 - 11/6/13
Halloweed: Marijuana Laced Candy
Throws Trick-Or-Treaters for a Loop BY: MEgan felz People these days have a hard time waiting. Seriously, who has six months to kill until 4/20? No one, that’s who. Luckily, University of Minnesota students found a way to celebrate without all the waiting. Hence, the lesser known of the “high” holidays: Halloweed.
seyed on past the spectacle while eating a Jimmy John’s #14.
At first, many were taken aback by such an absurd public event, thinking that it was some weird Baha Men tribute band, but it would eventually be revealed that it was just a result of candy laced with the ganj. Copious amounts of candy laced with Many consumers recounted that they marijuana were reportedly handed out first noticed that their Jolly Ranchers had to unsuspecting trick-or-treaters this a whole lot more than the FDA recomThursday evening in University of Minne- mended serving of “jolly” in them when they began craving a mashed potato milk sota’s surrounding neighborhoods. Naïve students and residents alike approached shake and thinking that pretzel M&Ms achouses with the most innocent of in- tually tasted good. Quickly, the munchies tentions in mind, left a toked out mess. set in and it all made sense. As if reawakAuthorities and Taco Bell employees are ened, it dawned on at least 21% of these individuals that they were undoubtedly still trying to make sense of the matter, out on a date and have come “Authorities and Taco Bell with that slut out with an allencompassing employees are still trying to make Mary Jane. statement of, sense of the matter, and have come The shenanigans “Well, that was out with an all-encompassing state- only got better weird.” ment of, ‘Well, that was weird.’” from there. After succumbing to The night started off just like any other October 31st the full effect of the cannabis-infused candy, a butt-ton of people were seen unevening, complete with the token “guycontrollably laughing at the abandoned dressed-up-as-a-jar-of-mustard-and-abucket on the sidewalk, and whenever kid-in-a-hot-dog-costume.” Neighbors and random pedestrians walking on the the mating rituals of rhinoceros were disstreets first reported noticing something cussed (which happens more often than was awry when they saw an above-av- you would think). Additionally, instead of asking for candy, many began requesting erage number of people worshiping an empty bag of Cool Ranch Doritos while eye drops. Homeowners were not nearly as receptive to this request, barring one singing “Who Let the Dogs Out?” Some joined in, others got out their smart optometrist who doesn’t count because he thinks that parachute pants are startphones to capitalize on the premo Vine material, while others nonchalantly mo- ing to finally make a comeback.
By the end of the evening—or the very early morning—the candy had been distributed to almost the entire neighborhood. Conspiracy theories about Sun Chips and solar energy were discussed, alongside prank calls to the White House regarding President Obama’s shower. And for those little shits who take more than one piece of candy from the bowl sitting
on the porch that says “please take one,” we hope that you have learned the appropriate portion size as well. No suspects have been identified in the alleged distribution of the weed candy, but really, if anything, they were just doing everyone a favor. However, one thing is for sure: Halloween is the perfect day
to be stoned. There’s so much food that could potentially go to your hips to satisfy the dru -fueled munchies. Anyone can give out king-sized Hershey bars, but it takes a special someone, with a questionable brain-cell count, to unintentionally get a whole neighborhood of people high off their ass.
page 4
page 5
page 10
Finally OUr Time
Top 10: Ways to Succumb to Your Crippling College Debt
United States Holds Garage Sale
Sweater weather enthusiasts rejoice in the crisp fall air.
It’s okay if you need to let out a good cry.
Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_UMN • theblacksheeponline.com
Obama wants you to buy his old crap, but only because michelle is making him.