Volume 5, Issue 13 | 11/30/11 -12/07/11 | theblacksheeponline.com
The
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e... lik cho e a w col ee at k o es fl ilk eft pie ov er .
Black Sheep
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
Profiling People
in the Michigan State Library
bailey wrote this
As the fall semester approaches its end, students in every major are slapped with the cold, hard dick of reality that rages long and hard before finals week. That reality differs for each person, but tends to include preparing for a plethora of papers, exams, projects, or some combination of the three. Because of this, MSU’s Main Library will soon begin to see its highest occupancies of the semester. If you thought the library sucked before, get ready for it to deep throat. Hard. Since the lib will be chock full of weirdos for the next two weeks; here are a few things you can look forward to (hating) while you’re at the library next: What You’ll See: A seemingly inconspicuous person who once studied quietly in a private cubby is now the scene of the show from their deliberate displays of disgust (read: someone shaking their head and/or rolling their eyes), wide eyes that were once focused on the paper before them are now focused on the glares of repugnance they shoot from one seat to another (read: giving people the stink eye), and a string of patience that once seemed endless is now hanging from its last thread (read: someone is about to go fucking nuts). What They’re Suffering From: Excessive distraction. Dedicated library dwellers don’t take the term “quiet study” lightly, and they certainly don’t go to the library to socialize (unless it’s with the all-too-charming library clerks). Those clerks will literally charm the pants right off of you if given the opportunity. Trust me. What You’ll See: Small, crumpled squares of paper that were once folded neatly as
Other stuff
Inside
04: A Comparative Analysis of Winter Apparel What do you mean Uggs and North Face jackets are popular?
part of a pack are now littered across the table (read: gum wrappers), empty containers that once held a liquid capable of satiating thirst are now lined along the table’s edge (read: any kind of beverage), and a body that once longed for sleep now has limbs and appendages that crave constant activity (read: can’t stop fidgeting). What They’re Suffering From: Too many amphetamines. Like cocaine, Adderall (cocaine’s baby sister) has its side effects. Not only does it make your mouth feel like it should be busy at all times (how about a few dozen blowjobs then, eh?!), it gives you some of the worst cottonmouth known to man. Pair that with an inability to sit still and you’ve got someone rollin’ on Addy, no doubt. What You’ll See: A formerly-determined body that once had a bright idea is now a head defeated in folded arms (read: a person with their head down on a desk), and a storm of scattered thoughts that once dreamed of cohesiveness are now just leaves of paper that will never be greater than they tree they came from (read: scratch paper). What They’re Suffering From: Writer’s block. We’ve all been there; you need to write 12 pages on the negative effects that animal fornication in the media has on children and you’d be lion if you said you knew how to write about monkey dicks in any light but a positive one. As horrifying as all of this sounds (and is), there is one solution: don’t go to the fucking library. If every goddamn goon on this campus didn’t go there to study for finals, it might not be the hellhole that is…but because they do, it is. Good luck and godspeed.
05: Things to Do Before 2012
The world may be ending, but your fun doesn’t have to be.
05: The Black Sheep Book Club
Who knew crazy old literature could be so badass?