Volume 5, Issue 5 | 9/28/11 -10/05/11 | theblacksheeponline.com
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pure michigan: wetness all around
billy gardner wrote this The place where you’ll find America tickling the bottom of Canada with its mitten and the place that’s home to the two most dangerous cities in the United States. What could it be? None other than our lovely Michigan. It’s these breathtaking places, Flint and Detroit, which keep prominent officials like Jennifer Granholm and Kwame Kilpatrick working hard to turn our scholarship money into coke money. These officials keep the food stamps coming to these areas,and who else but them would allow the convicted cocaine trafficker Tim Allen (or as the kids know him, Buzz Lightyear) to be the voice for such a state like Pure Michigan? When we’re talking about Home Improvement,there is nothing more Tim the Tool Man Taylor could do for his state beside let his soft and soothing voice depict America’s high five, a place where residents are always on vacation. Pure Michigan… where no one has jobs. It’s unfortunate for the handless man trying to point out the purest city in Michigan, but for the able bodied, his finger points right to “the middle of his mitten,” to the capitol, a place where beer cans flow like wine, and bums flock like, well, drug-addicted bums after ten-cent beer cans. I’m talking about a little place called Lansing. With attractions like Potter Park Zoo and Deja Vu, visitors can witness big, smelly, loose beast within its confines, or they can even see some zoo animals too! Lansing, right in the center of the state within a nation deemed “under God,” a place as unadulterated and pure as a Catholic altar boy. Come… take the hand that’s Pure Michigan.
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And when you’re finally done getting your high in Lansing, take the CATA public transportation system to the booming city of East Lansing. Enjoy a scenic ride with deranged Lansing locals who bring their high with them. The overcrowded, disease-ridden bus (ironically known as the clean machine)drives to the gorgeous East Lansing where half of the downtown area is an abandoned project deemed “future development site,” and the other half is a cesspool of run-down bars and fine eateries like Menna’s Joint, a place that dominates the gullible freshman enthused by the word “joint” and skanky, drunk fat girl demographics. East Lansing… pure as a greased up Menna’s dub. East Lansing’s continuous cloudy skies and endless cold weather lend to the beauty of Michigan State University. Once the school year begins, any semi-attractive females are forced to hibernate for the winter, leaving nothing else for the students to gaze at but the contaminated and lifeless waters of the Red Cedar River. No matter the reason or the season, you can count on the fact that Michigan State University is just like the job market for students graduating with a communications degree, cold as fuck. While there might be one hotel to seek shelter at near the school, the budgeted traveler will seek refuge through Ricks American Café. With absolutely no effort or good looks combined with a 10-dollar Ricks buzz, the traveler will score a dilapidated, overpriced, and aged duplex stay with one of Michigan State’s ladies not attractive enough for hibernation. Surrounded by the Great Lakes,there is nothing more that can represent Pure Michigan than an easy Michigan State University girl offering her bed to an unemployed and overweight stranger. Pure Michigan State… come and get your hand wet, ours always is.
05: Siblings at State
What not to do when the little one comes to drink all your beer.
11: Bouncer of the Week
A big, bad bury boy from PT O’Malley’s.
13: we interview cut copy, an aussie band that you should know. because we say so.
02
Table of
contents
Page 04
Page 05
If you really want to bang a girl, you need to be nice. Here's how.
We feel insignificant when we’re inside you, and we’ve definitely felt like that before.
Teddy's Tenderness
Page 05 Top 10:
04
Disgusting Fast Food Menu Items.
13
IM Gyms, You Suck
Page 07
Unorthodox Ways for Dealing with Stress No, masturbation isn’t on there.
Pages 8 & 9 The World Famous Bar Grid!
Get your drink on every day of the week, fo' real cheap.
Page 10
Page 11 Why You’re Still
Page 12
Page 14
Drinking Game Single: It’s not just because Start the night off right and you’re ugly, it’s because you stop drinking alone... suck as a person. The 14th Minute Why the hell are these people famous? Porn?
07
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Word of the week Shapeshipster:
Canolas Jest Thorns
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Definition: A guy or girl who is far too eager to fall prey to a new trend. Sentence: “Brett used to wear his Von Dutch hat to be cool, then he wore his ironic shirt to be cool, now he wears his Von
Dutch hat and his ironic shirt to be uncool, which is now cool. He’s such a Shapeshipster."
04
From 'da Streets "If you could have any super power, what would it be and why?"
"I would say the Force, but I'm already a Jedi." Steve D., Senior
A Tender Moment with Teddy Baum Cox teddy baum cox wrote this I talk a lot about doing horrible things to women. Things that you will only find under the "fetish" section of your typical porn search engine. What many of my readers do not know however, is that I do have a soft spot. I like to wine and dine my fine lady friend from time to time... really let her know that even though I just blasted her in the face with about a quart of my man goo, she is still my little princess. I am horrified, however, to learn that many guys at Michigan State do not know how to properly take out a woman of class. As usual, your big brother Teddy is gonna take you by the hand and teach you how to give that girl that makes your chimmy chonga tingle a special night. Not every woman however deserves that $50 dinner and possible bottle of wine, (sometimes you gotta slum it up), so we are gonna break dis shit down by cost. High End Restaurant Girl This is the girl you are probably going to marry. Well, at least that is what you are thinking if you are making it rain this much. Either that, or you are trying to butt fuck her, which ain't easy. First key move, make sure to dress up nicely. Don't be the dickhead at a high-end restaurant wearing your "Shit Faced Saturday" t-shirt as you order the filet. I'm talking button-down and slacks at the minimum. Second, know how to say what you order. If you’re unsure, just say “fuck it” and don’t even try. If you’re going to make the attempt, you can always go with the bong method. Since you can't say bong in pipe shops, you point. Don’t know how to pronounce that French thing with the pineapple on it? Just point! This is really a boom-or-bust kind of endeavor, you either win the girl over and get to go to pound town on her, or you end the night with a kiss on the cheek and get to masturbate to the tune of a $100 dinner digesting in your stomach. Local College Eatery Girl This is more of a lunch option, so the likelihood that you get to go all Moses on her lady parts is not very high.
(Get it? Your penis is Moses and you part the Red Sea of her pussy.) At best, you’ll get an HJ in the parking lot, but then you gotta go the rest of the day with your underpants all messed up, so it really isn't all that worth it… but I digress. Pick a classic college place, but avoid Mexican food because then you might have to deal with the dreaded girl-poop. If you can somehow incorporate a beer or two into it, do that, but don't get too buzzed. Keep the chitchat light—nothing deep, don't talk politics, keep it about her. Most of the girls I take out to these kind of lunches are either booty calls or potential booty calls, so keep your end game in mind. The most critical point of the date is setting up your next meeting (i.e. ask her what she is doing over the weekend). Longterm planning is critical to getting your peener in some pooner. Box of Wine Girl (Slut) If your idea of a date is buying a $12 dollar box of wine and bringing it over to her place with the latest comedy/ drama/Ryan Reynolds movie, then I got some news for you, bro. She’s probably a skank. If you want to class it up, buy some cheap-ass wine glasses from Meijer. Honestly though, trying to class up this date is like telling your buddies that the girl who told you she was wearing invisible underwear in class is a "classy lady." Look on the bright side though, a box of wine between you and your lady friend gives you a better shot at butt sex than a fancy dinner. It is really rather difficult to screw this one up. Keep the pace constant and strong on the chugging. Last but not least, and this is the only time I am going to say this, wear a condom. This girl probably has the primordial soup brewing between her legs. Happy trails, my readers—now get out there and wine and dine that special lady in your life. Buy her the nicest steak you can afford, or pick up a box of wine and a bottle of penicillin. No matter the method, just remember it’s the thought that counts.
"The power to make everyone else a Ginger, so they'd understand the curse."” Hillary H., Senior
"I'd want the ability to make people's thoughts audible without them realizing it." Zach S., Senior
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05
No-Nonsense Guide to Sibling Visits
alex everard wrote this
Autumn is rearing its glorious face and college life is beginning to reach full-swing. The leaves are changing, the cider is mixing with rum, and your little sibling is begging to come up for a weekend in the Garden of Earthly Delights known as MSU.
this rule can be stretched because there is safety in numbers. The point is-- you don’t want to walk into a random house only to see your little bro throwing up on the tenant’s girlfriend. You also don’t want to see your little sib in the back of a cop car because they were carrying a fifth down the sidewalk and “didn’t know you couldn’t do that … it’s college, right?” Rule #3: Do not carry alcohol down the sidewalk. Rule #4: You might be used to “high school drunk,” but discard any notion of what you think is standard drinking. This is East Lansing. People will be shoving booze in your face as soon as they find out you are my sibling. Why? Because they “want you to have a great visit” and don’t really give a shit about your personal health or safety. Know your limits and heed them.
If you’re a fool, you might blindly accept this request and invite your little brother or sister to come hang out for a weekend without setting any ground rules. This will end terribly and might even skew the innocent views you have toward your younger family member.
Rule #5: You are always a year or two older than you actually are. Don’t make me feel like a piece of shit here. You’re a senior in high school. But you’re NOT 18. Remember that. You know what, just go ahead and change this rule to “You’re 17 years old. No matter what.” That way you’re old enough to party but not old enough to … get blackout and bang someone.
If you’re smart, you might let the little one stay, but if and ONLY IF a set of rules is strictly followed. You don’t want to be a dick, but you also don’t be the guy whose corneas are forever scarred from watching his little sister grind between two of his housemates while R. Kelly played quietly in the background.
Rule #6: Do not listen to anyone’s stories about me. They may or may not be true, but only once you graduate high school can you know just how much debauchery I have involved myself in. Until then, ignorance is bliss.
Rule #1: You will sleep in the bed I assign to you, by yourself with absolutely no guests who I have not permitted. This rule is generally a pretty important one to follow, but same-sex siblings might allow for some leniency. If I had a little brother, you can bet your ass I would be setting him up with chicks all night. Maybe that’s why God never gave me a brother. If you’re a girl and you want your little sister to go to bed with Johnny College … what the fuck is wrong with you? Do you WANT your sister to work at Hooters in 8 years? Because that will happen, I promise.
Rule #7: Whatever happens, keep your phone on, keep your drunken-wits about you, and be safe. You want to at least make it to college before you get an MIP or spend a night in jail. Oh, and if you ever want to come up and have the time of your life again, you’ll tell mom and dad we watched a Seth Rogen movie and had a few beers. If this fails, you’ve failed. Now you’ve lost your little sib, and they’re probably behind the 7-11 giving a quick handy to Willy the Can Man. If they call you, don’t answer. They’re dead to you now.
Rule #2: Do not stray more than a block from where I am. If your little sibling brings friends,
Dear IM gyms, I hate you Samantha Shaughnessy wrote this
After struggling to carry two boxes of Franzia three blocks to my apartment, I’ve decided that maybe it’s time to tighten my doughy physique and venture to the gym. And unsurprisingly, it’s been a brutal feat. First off, going to the gym is a workout in itself. By the time I get there I’m too winded to even open the double-doors. And once I finally stepped foot into the gym, I realized why I stopped going in the first place. Right when you walk into the IM West gym, you can practically smell the homophobia. The first floor of the gym is like a cesspool of bros with way-too-big-muscles, leaving you to suspect that they’re compensating for something less impressive down under. If you’re a girl, don’t even attempt to go down there; it’s like the He-Man Women Haters Club. In the words of Barry Badrinath, “It’s a regular hot dog cart in here…” In between my foot falling asleep and picking the wedgie super-glued in my ass on the elliptical, I couldn’t help but notice the gym’s gems. For some reason, you see at least three of these characters during your workout: the strangely flexible muscular guy that ends up prancing around the gym with catlike reflexes as he shows off his splits and his ability to throw his leg around his shoulder like a scarf, the dweeby freshman sporting Shape-Ups and lacking a sports bra (possibly one of the few that can boost your own confidence), the old man in short-shorts who you can’t help but stare at his sad, wrinkled balls, that one guy with the matted-down ponytail, thick glasses, and bacne, and, last but not least, the sorority girl who never seems to break a sweat and looks so goddamn “cute.” While you look like a pile wearing your ratty 5th grade D.A.R.E. t-shirt that’s still too big for you, she’s got on an entire PINK wardrobe, a bump-it, and Pumas. Or, she could be one of those “hardcore” girls who only wears a black sports bra and booty shorts. If you’re one of these people, do the rest of us a favor and go fuck yourself. Then there are those people who were raised in barns and think it’s acceptable to not wipe down the machines, or even worse, fart. Okay, we’ve all been guilty of that, but gym farts are by far one of the smelliest brands. With a deadly combination of undercarriage sweat and all the vegetables these health nuts are chowing down on, they’re
downright deadly. What these people need to understand is that there’s a 50-50 chance of you crapping your pants. I don’t know what it is about the gym, but there’s always a close call of sharting. It could be the heavy lifting and overexertion or the canned corn you found in the back of your cabinet earlier… Being the type that doesn’t prefer to stare at the wall and counting its cracks whilst struggling to run, I turn to television, but, why is it that there’s absolutely never anything good to watch? Or even worse, the TVs are broken. Forget about trying to use them at IM East because more than half of them have been broken for a year. You end up having to plan your whole day around that perfect one-hour window when a Jersey Shore rerun is on. And last but not least disgusting, there’s always a pocket in the gym that smells like an Indian deli and the untimely odor of fish vagina. Ugh, I just want a place that I can squeeze out the burrito I woofed down at 2AM. Why is it that I can’t find salvation from underboob sweat and judgement? I’m sorry if my body is bloated from too much salt, I just want to work out in peace. Come to think of it, maybe carrying that Franzia was enough for one day.
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SHOUT OUTS! Dana and megan- sorry for getting wasted and pissing on your rug. Next time i'll wear pampers to our Monday funday party. Dear Bruce: We didn't make out cus you have stuff in your teeth. Dear Cass, I'm sorry for destroying your "How to draw children" book. Now how are you going to lure little boys and girls into your abode? Sincerely, You know damn well who I am! Dear epic hide and seeker, You left a '21' pimp stein class in the black sheep sheep box in wells hall. And I found it. I win. To Stephanie I met at PTs, Marry me? - Tony Random bro that approached me outside a house party, I really hope that everything goes well with your younger sister’s pregnancy. You really know how to choose introduction topics to a friendship! James, I’m sorry I missed your birthday party but I’m glad that I was able to see one picture of money in your underpants Jeff! I just met you Saturday but seriously, that whole “kicking dirt” move isn’t going to get you any ladies Hey Mark, let’s try and keep our pants on for at least f ive minutes this time next time we go to a party where we don’t know anybody? Not everybody breaks the ice the way you do.
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THe top ten
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worst fast food items I was planning on making this list the ten specials on the Long John Silver’s menu, but then I thought, “Wait a minute, if I do that, how will the people know how terrible Arby’s is?” 10) KFC Double Down – Yes, it’s that bacon sandwich that uses fried pieces of chicken instead of bread. But wait, it still comes with ranch, cheese, and mayo, plus more ranch on the side for dipping (this is America, after all). I’d say the sandwich is perfect for feeding to that family member who is planning on leaving you a huge inheritance and has a weak heart. Unfortunately, the KFC Double Down is useful for little else except giving yourself diarrhea.
Unorthodox Ways for Dealing with Stress Alex Acton wrote this Let’s face it, college and stress go hand in hand; they compliment each other like peanut butter and jelly, Starsky and Hutch, vodka and vomit, and pregnancies and abortion. You get the picture. There are always times during your college career when anxiety just breaks you down. Every student at MSU has, at some point, felt the unbearable effects of stress for various reasons: grades, homework, drama, losing to Notre Dame, and so on. Students of every major are guaranteed to experience stress because it is basically inevitable over the course of a whole semester. Accordingly, each student has his or her own way of coping with this scholasticly-fueled tension. Obviously, the usual MSU way of solving problems is with sex, drugs and alcohol. Some play video games, read books or knit sweaters. Others (football players) eat Ben and Jerry’s, sob quietly to themselves, and watch bad movies on Lifetime. However, if you’re a student who doesn’t exercise any of these common techniques, listed below are a few unconventional ways to relieve your stress.
your stress, you can simply switch to a different one. It’s only your undergraduate degree anyway, so who cares? I recommend going into Agriculture Business because it is such a joke of a “major.” Let’s be real, you don’t have to do any work besides learning how to plant tomato seeds, hate minorities, and say “y’all” a lot while wearing a straw hat. It’s a quality degree. Dodgeball The Michigan State University Club Dodgeball Team is a great way to relieve any stress you might have. The feeling of throwing rubber balls at 60 mph at the nearest opponent and watching their nose cave in is one of life’s great experiences. Plus, after surviving a dodgeball practice, you have a whole new perspective on life. “Screw doing biochem homework, I almost got a brain hemorrhage from getting annihilated in the face. I’m going to sit down and fully appreciate how lucky my life has been.”
"Obviously, the usual MSU way Playground Games Hide-and-Seek, Bloody Murder, of solving problems is with Tag, Raptor: these playground games sex, drugs and alcohol." were the epitome of fun back in el-
Listen to a Preacher You’re probably wondering how listening to a preacher is going to instantly relieve you of your problems... but what I’m suggesting here is something different than going to a traditional church. Instead, I’m talking about going to hear the Wells Hall Preacher damn you to eternal hell for two hours. Listening to this guy lecture about all of your sins and blasphemy for two hours will almost surely put you into a coma out of sheer boredom. But after walking away from that, everything will seem so much better. You’ll still have three papers due tomorrow, but at least you won’t have to listen to that brain-numbing reverend preach about made-up garbage anymore. Maybe religion is good for something after all. Switch your Major If you feel that your current major is the source to all of
ementary school. Who am I kidding? I still play them! Unless you didn’t have a childhood or you were that weird kid who sat by himself and ate glue, everyone played those games. You didn’t have a care in the world besides the very real possibility that you might break your leg jumping off the slide to escape that bastard from tagging you. It’s such a great way to destress yourself because after running around with your friends, the only thing you have after that is a desire to dip cookies in milk and get your cootie shots. In any case, everyone should find a way to manage their pressures and stress-ures. College is a very demanding environment, but it’s also a fun one. So, make sure to utilize your resources to ensure that you’re balancing your emotions properly and things don’t go sour like they did with Susie Partylots last year…
9) Hardee’s Monster Burger – Egg, cheese, bacon, sausage patty, and shaved ham on a buttered bun. Yes, a buttered bun because at Hardee’s it would be irresponsible to have bacon, sausage, ham, and eggs without butter. The only thing missing would be the poopy square of toilet paper that was found in a sandwich like this in Grosse Pointe and subsequently gave someone Hepatitis B,(which effectively put an end to that Hardee’s franchise). Thanks for sparing us a square, Hardee’s! 8) Wendy’s Chili – With a finger in it or without a finger in it (a question most situations boil down to), Wendy’s chili is by far one of the most disgusting concoctions known to man. I’d expect to find this dish in an Ukranian orphanage when they ran out of gruel and salty tears to snack on, but not in the good ol’ U.S. of A. Goddammit! 7) Clam Strips at Long John Silver’s – Stinky little pieces of fried filth. Perfect for everyone’s inner bulimic! 6) McDonald’s Salads – For those beached whales in our society who want to pretend they’re eating well by ordering a salad at McDonalds, it’s easily more fattening than a Big Mac when you start drowning it in ranch and blue cheese dressing. These are also the same people who claim they haven’t lost weight because they have a slow metabolism or large bone structure, but in all reality, they are nothing but another tubby bitch who can’t stop stuffing their food hole at the McDonald’s trough. 5) Arby’s Roast Beef and Cheddar – This is not my first, nor will it be my last distasteful (pun!) review of Arby’s. I’d compare the taste of an Arby’s Roast Beef and Cheddar to eating a dollop of Easy Cheese out of a forty-year old stripper’s butthole. Enough said. 4) White Castle Burgers – In some underfunded retirement homes, a White Castle ‘Sack of Ten’ is used in lieu of Metamucil or actual laxatives. The FDA does not approve this. 3) Sbarro’s Pizza – Never a food of choice, always a food of default. Literally the greasiest thing you could put in your mouth besides (fill in your own ethnic slur here). Sbarro’s pizza never fails to make me reflect back on all my life’s shortcomings, and makes me think that maybe if I had done things differently, I wouldn’t be eating Sbarro’s pizza right now. 2) Taco Bell’s Pacific Shrimp Taco – Shrimps marinated at Taco Bell and put into a taco? Thanks, but I’d rather take my chances munching on the fish taco of the aforementioned stripper with a butthole full of Easy Cheese than to chow on this culinary travesty. 1) Any Fish Basket at Long John Silver’s – You knew one mention wouldn’t be enough to encompass the abomination of this chain. Long John Silver’s serves baskets with fries and fried strips of “fish” in them. No specifics, just “fish.” Mystery fish from a fast food chain? No thank you, Long John Silver’s, I’d rather catch Chlamydia than whatever your catch of the day is. Fear not, East Lansing, we won’t have to suffer through these horrible options for much longer. My nipples and penis have been abnormally hard this last week, which can only mean that it isn’t much longer until the McRib comes back.
justin gawel wrote this
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The Bar Grid
10
Bouncer
of the
Travis
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Issue
y's
P.T. O'malle
Age: 28 Major: Business Relationship Status: Single Nickname: T Mac Describe yourself in three words: Sexy Man Beast What skills do you posses that make you a superior bouncer and bartender?: An inherent sense of bullshit. Do you secretly take joy in kicking out underagers or do you feel bad when you do it?: Oh, I secretly take joy. What’s the most obvious sign of a fake ID?: When the back says, “This is not used for identification purposes.” What’s the number one thing people do to get kicked out of bars?: Either drink too much alcohol and act stupid or treat staff like shit.
drinking game:
Drinking Jeopardy! Alex Trebek has a voice that could charm the panties off of a nun, and his dulcet tones really help boys and girls across the nation learn what the capital of Madagascar is. Does that mean this game will help you get drunk? No. Is it fun? What is, “Yes,” Alex. What You Need: A case of beer, a hi-def TV to see the glint in Trebek’s eye, smartz. Number of Players: At least 2, more is more better, though. Intoxication Level: I’ll take, “Shithouse Drunk” for $800, Alex. How to Play: -Before the game begins, make sure each player has several beers in front of them. -Players may only guess an answer once per question. -A player’s answer does not have to be phrased in the form of a question. -Players must drink when: -Any opponent answers a question correctly. -The player incorrectly answers the question. -Players do not have to drink when: -The player answers the question correctly. -No player answers the question correctly. -Scoring is similar to a standard Jeopardy! game. If a player has to drink, they must drink the first number in the 3-digit score. For example, a player who has to drink on a $400 question must drink four drinks. Drinking on a $1000 question would be ten drinks. -There is no special scoring for the Daily Double, just use the value assigned to the question. -The Final Jeopardy question is worth 10 drinks. The Game Ends When: Your DVR runs out of recorded episodes.
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What are your favorite things to do outside of work?: I love drinking, doing MMA, playing guitar, and doling out pick up lines. Any hidden talents?: Being a bouncer, you probably wouldn’t guess I’m also a massage therapist. Oh, also I’m a provert: professional pervert. What are your biggest turn-ons?: She’s got to have a good personality and some form of humor. Physical beauty and attraction is important, but she has to be down to Earth. What are your biggest turn-offs?: Well depending on who you are “being yourself” might be a turn off. I can’t stand people that can’t accept that they’re not perfect. Shout-outs!: To Cookie and the gang @ Dublin; you can never do what I do!
recipe for disaster:
Burrighto
After a night of heavy drinking there’s always a pit in one’s stomach, and it aches mightily, wanting to be filled with manly goodness. No, we’re not talking about semen; we’re talking about the manliest freakin’ burrito of all time. What You Need: Flour tortillas, can of refried beans, cheese, hot sauce, beef jerky. Cook Time: 5 minutes. Fatty Factor: Oh god yes. Let’s Get Baked: -Unwrap the tortillas, open the beans, cheese and jerky. Have the hot sauce at hand. -Place a dollop of refried beans on the tortilla. -Sprinkle cheese on top of the beans. -Apply a liberal amount of beef jerky to the burrito. -Splash on a healthy amount of hot sauce. -Fold it all fancy-style. -Place in the microwave and heat on high for 40 seconds. -Remove, let cool and enjoy. You’ll pass out after a burly burrito bliss, only to wake up with some newfound chest hair. So…uh…this one isn’t for the ladies. Unless…
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Reasons Why You’re Single Are you single? Lonely? Wondering why you can’t have romantic nights out at Taco Bell like your fellow Spartans? Do you ever secretly wish you could be that girl who screams at her boyfriend for checking out another girl’s g-string? Or, do you wonder what it would be like to be that guy who gets to bring a girl home because she wants to, not because she is blacked out? Well, you can quit wondering why no one likes you because one or more of the things on this list is probably the reason you’re alone. Apparel: Do you have a distinct sense of “style”? Do you carry around a Twilight backpack and wear weirdass sweatshirts with angel wings on them? Well, don’t worry. The boys aren’t approaching because they fear they can’t live up to the expectation of Edward Cullen, they just think you’re a fucking freak. Try buying a shirt without swirls, fairies, or any Ed Hardy logo. I guarantee your chances of getting asked out will increase by 25%. Hygiene: How long do you think you spend on personal hygiene every day? Well, I want you to take that time and double it if you are single. There is a pretty good possibility that you don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend because you are straight up nasty. Just take a shower, brush your teeth, wear deodorant--all simple daily routines. Girls, brush your hair; that ratty, teased look is out, (although I don’t know that it was ever in). Boys, shave your face. I don’t want to see your facial hair until you’re men. Weird habits: Are you a hoarder, obsessive compulsive,
leanne johnson wrote this
or just four types of loco? Well, this may be a reason for your single status. No one wants to hang out at a place with piles and piles of collectable Beanie Babies or with someone who has to count to twenty before they open the damn door. You should seek therapy if you ever want to find true love. Sure, you may find someone who loves you “unconditionally,” but if they love your crazy ass, you may want to question their sanity as well. Internet habits: If you spend a lot of time playing World of Warcraft or any other online game where you pretend to be a troll, just stop. No one will ever respect you, let alone love you, if you live in a virtual fantasy world. Same goes with Facebook. For all those girls who take tons of pictures of themselves in the same mirror, but with different outfits, cut the crap. This is also a fantasy world, one where you think you look good and popular. But in the real world, you just look like an asshole alone in a bathroom. Try to meet people in real life like the real human that you are, not internet warrior or whore. There are probably plenty of other reasons why you are still single, but hey, I have a word limit here. Now that you have read this, make a few changes, and love might find its way to you. If you can’t make these changes, pray to god that there is another freak like you out there to date. But, never lose hope. If all three Kardashian sisters can find someone who loves them (let alone actually likes them), so can you.
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12
the
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h t 4 1 Minute!
Leonardo DiCaprio is world-famous for acting in some of the best films of the last decade. Hillary Clinton is famous because she’s the most powerful woman in the world. A small Senegalese child knows LeBron James because he can jump out of a building in a single bound. But what about the rest? In this era of celebrity culture there’s too many people famous for…what exactly? To see if we could pin these pretenders we looked at celebrity gossip websites to find people we couldn’t identify, then we tried to identify what made them worthy of the limelight. By: Brendan
*
Kim Delaney We Think She’s Famous For: Being T-Mobile’s ad spokeswoman when flip phones were still the cat’s pajamas, as folk were wont to say in 1996. Why She’s Actually Famous: This actress has been on a bunch of relatively popular TV shows, like Army Wives, The O.C. and N.Y.P.D. Blue. Recently, though, she made headlines for giving a speech in front of a bunch of military folk…drunk. Where She’ll Be In Five Years: A wonderful land called Denial, where your third and fourth stints in alcohol rehab mean you get comp’ed your fifth check-in.
Joe Manganiello We Think He’s Famous For: Being a club promoter in Scottsdale, Arizona. There’s rumored to be pictures of him snorting coke off of Lindsey Lohan’s tits. Why He’s Actually Famous: Joe plays werewolf Alcide Herveaux on HBO’s True Blood, because being tall, ripped and handsome is a prerequisite for being a werewolf. Nerds have nothing to worry about. Where He’ll Be In Five Years: He’ll be starring opposite Bradley Cooper in a summer bromance movie called Hairy Waves.
Brenda Song We Think She’s Famous For: Song is the Rebecca Black of Thailand, where her hit, “Only 20 Hours of Work Today!” propelled her to superstardom. Why She’s Actually Famous: Being a huge hit on the Disney Channel, most notably as London Tipton on The Suite Life of Zack & Cody. Where She’ll Be In Five Years: In a bathtub full of money, laughing and sipping champagne while screaming out, “Sweatshop profiteering is the best!”
Michaele Salahi We Think She’s Famous For: A early-90s criminal case that saw her spend 12 years in jail after sleeping with one of her 14-year-old students. Basically, she looks like a hot teacher. Why She’s Actually Famous: Besides having an impossible-to-spell name, Salahi is best known for her role on The Real Housewives of D.C. In 2009 she made waves for crashing a White House party, and made headlines a few weeks ago by leaving her husband for Neal Schon, the guitarist for Journey. Where She’ll Be In Five Years: Back in her plastic surgeon’s office, getting an estimate on how much it would cost to give her facelift a facelift.
Austin Butler We Think He’s Famous For: Being exactly what the Nazis had in mind when they started their eugenics program. Why He’s Actually Famous: Butler is known for his work in Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide and High School Musical spinoff Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure. Where He’ll Be In Five Years: On the secret Nazi moon base, preparing to exact revenge for the historically tragic death of his biological father, Adolf Hitler.
Imogen Thomas We Think She’s Famous For: By the looks of it, she’s a recent recipient of a MacArthur Genius Grant for the work she’s done in the field of advanced particle physics. Why She’s Actually Famous: Thomas is known for her 3-month stay on British reality show Big Brother, and her two big sisters. By “sisters” we mean “tits.” Where She’ll Be In Five Years: Thomas will be the Queen of the Island of Misfit Floozies, which is actually a couple miles off of the southern tip of Florida.
*
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the interview
Dan Whitford of Cut Copy
The Australian electronic band Cut Copy has been blowing up in recent years, probably due to rave reviews from Pitchfork as well as picking up traction from the cool kids who follow the site. We got to chat with lead singer Dan Whitford a few days before their performance at the Pygmalion Music Festival in Champaign last weekend about electronic evolution, writing lyrics to classic songs and playing tennis against Franz Ferdinand. The Black Sheep: So you’ve been playing electronic music since 2001. How has the electronic music scene changed since? Dan Whitford: Like anything, music’s kind of a slave to fashion and trend as much as any art form. To me, it feels like electronic music has been welcomed more as a mainstream form of music at the start of 2000. I’d guess partly because we had come out of an era of music where sort of indie stuff was really what all the cool kids were into, and anything with synthesizers kind of went a little bit into a niche world for a while there. I felt like dance music and guitar based music were very separate things and I guess that was sort of the mission statement of what Cut Copy was about, being passionate about both pop music, guitar based indie music or whatever you want to call it and also being really inspired by synth based stuff, and club and dance records. So, I think over that period of time those things have come together very much and it’s interesting that there’s the whole scene in the States now based around Pitchfork and stuff put online by sites like that. We like both parts of that music equally and use them interchangeably, and it feels like our mission statement has been fulfilled in a lot of ways. TBS: You guys do have such a great balance between using the synth samples and beats with the instruments that you play. Was it a natural collaboration of those two sounds? DW: It was tricky in a way because there really was no blueprint for that kind of combination. Finding a way to combine those things was the biggest challenge. For me it feels like fusion, one of the real dirty words in music, and I guess the idea of fusing synth and rock music probably could turn into something pretty bad. So thankfully we’ve found a really tasteful way of doing it and a way that was works for us and works for a lot of other people. It’s definitely not a mathematical operation, it very much goes by feel. TBS: Your music is super upbeat and fun to dance to, and it’s interesting because you’re from laid back Australia. Did that relaxed culture have an effect on the music you play now? DW: I think it has an effect on our personalities, I don’t know whether musically it did. Our music is a reflection of the music that we love. When I was starting out and being really passionate about music was about when The Avalanches were doing shows in Australia and just before they did their first album was when I first met them and came into contact with them, and I found their music really uplifting and inspiring and really upbeat as well. It almost felt like that sensation musically was something that I would like to express as well, in Cut Copy. In our own way, we felt like we were doing the same thing.
CD REVIEW
Out Now
Wilco
The whole let down, kind of. It's not an entire let down... sort of? It’s easy for us youngsters to hate on Wilco these days because they aren’t “trippy” anymore, and Jeff Tweedy is “sober” and therefore “uninspired.” Long gone are the days of my brain exploding (nearly the entire The Wilco Book album), vibing out to some weird static during “Less Than You Think,” and dissecting the lyrics of “Radio Cure” because it’s just so fucking good. Sure, Wilco’s best albums were Yankee Hotel Foxtrot and A Ghost is Born, but if you got mad at your boyfriend today because the last great thing he did for you was months ago, then everyone would just hate each other. Remember when he let you have all the hot water this morning? It’s the little things that count. Because I don’t want to harp on Tweedy for being sober because that'd just be immature. What I can harp on, though, is Wilco back-tracking to their country roots in their latest album The Whole Love. This album just screams “NPR 40-something.” It’s safe and easy to listen to, with just enough badass hard rocking guitar solos (see “Art of Almost”) to give the old folks something to get excited about. It’s the kind of Wilco that got the fans in the first place, with definitive alternative-country sounds and a little bit of intrigue, not to mention Tweedy’s signature voice holding our hands the whole time. But Tweedy & the boys weren’t always weird and still had a more interesting sound - Summerteeth and Sky Blue Sky, for instance. With
UPCOMING RELEASES
C-
their latest and the one before that (Wilco (The Album)), Wilco is starting to seem… old. And I don’t like it, because I’m not a 40-something, and I think that’s okay with them. “Dawned on Me” is one of the more brilliant songs on the record, where Twe: being young, being old, being lost, being found, and starting it all over again at the end. It kind of makes me sentimental but then I’m reminded that optimism makes growing up a little better, which just makes me more sad. I’m 20-fuckingsomething; I don’t want to listen to my father cry on about not having fun anymore. “Born Alone” has a somewhat catchy tune but it’s a little cheesy and it’s a little simple, perfect for the adults to digest. No, no, I think I’m going to leave the Wilco party, eh, 5 years ago. But I’m still going to love them, even if they aren’t blowing my mind anymore. It’d be like saying goodbye to a high school friend just because he doesn’t get black-out drunk anymore. He’s still a cool guy, but just a little more tame. Plus you can always go back and recall the fun times you guys had together. That, and he is always your sober driver. It’s the little things that count! Sounds Like: What your dad listens to in the minivan. Download: The Art of Almost Listen to it When: Drinking wine and playing Scrabble with the fam.
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Blink - 182 Neighborhoods Chickenfoot - Chickenfoot III J. Cole - Cole World: The Sideline Story LeAnne Rimes - Lady & Gentlemen
VHS Or Beta - Diamonds & Death Feist - Metals Scott McCreery - Clear As Day Styles P - Master Of Ceremonies
TBS: You mention that The Avalanches were a big inspiration for you. What else inspires your music? DW: I think it’s a unique combination of stuff, just being inspired by different areas of music, art, film, just different things across the board. A lot comes from bands that we love. For instance Talking Heads, we listened to a lot of Talking Heads in making Zonoscope. It’s just a bit of a patchwork of our experiences and things that we’re inspired by and hopefully just our viewpoint in reinterpreting all of these things ends up being something unique even if really, at the end of the day, we’re just music fans. TBS: Did you write the song “Need You Now” about somebody in particular? DW: One morning I sort of wrote the basis of that track, and had some synths and some keyboards and a drum machine and just kind of penned out the whole thing while I was waiting for Tim and Ben to meet me at my house. And in the few hours that I was waiting for them I ended up putting that track together and doing some quick vocals that sort of fit with it. And, essentially, the vocals were as it appears in the final track, I didn’t change the lyrics at all. So it wasn’t specifically written about someone, it just came off the top of my head that morning. But it fit so well, I couldn’t bring myself to change it. We tried a few alternatives but it just didn’t sound right. TBS: Man, that’s awesome. That’s such a good song, and it’s cool that it kind of came out of nowhere. DW: Yeah, and that’s one of the things I was worried about. I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s a classic song but when you read about other people who’ve written classic songs often they say they do say it comes out of nowhere, or that the best songs happen really quickly and it’s almost as if it was meant to be. TBS: What else do you like to do when you aren’t playing music? DW: I like to get outdoors a bit, because I spend most of my time indoors when we’re touring. We have this thing we organized, before we started touring, where me, Mitchell and Ben from the band and various other musicians and DJs would play tennis against each other once a week. It got to the point that if there were touring bands or DJs that would be available, we’d get them to come down and play against us. TBS: What other bands have you guys gotten to play tennis with you? DW: We played against the guys from Franz Ferdinand when they were in Australia last, so that was pretty cool. TBS: Who won? DW: I think it was one set off, so we didn’t have a deciding set. They took the first set and we took the second, and I felt like we were going to come back and beat them, but it wasn’t on the scoreboard so it’s hard to say. TBS: Drink of choice? DW: These days I’ve been enjoying red wine before the show, I like a good Merlot. It’s nice, smooth, easy on the vocal cords and provides a good romantic, artistic vibe in the band room. Spirits can get you a little too wasted before the show.
jess sommers wrote this
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