Volume 5, Issue 5 | 9/28/11 -10/05/11 | theblacksheeponline.com
The
Black Sheep
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
Fre e bed...like , ri yo ght ur nowroo ...u mma se te it! 's
pure michigan: wetness all around
billy gardner wrote this The place where you’ll find America tickling the bottom of Canada with its mitten and the place that’s home to the two most dangerous cities in the United States. What could it be? None other than our lovely Michigan. It’s these breathtaking places, Flint and Detroit, which keep prominent officials like Jennifer Granholm and Kwame Kilpatrick working hard to turn our scholarship money into coke money. These officials keep the food stamps coming to these areas,and who else but them would allow the convicted cocaine trafficker Tim Allen (or as the kids know him, Buzz Lightyear) to be the voice for such a state like Pure Michigan? When we’re talking about Home Improvement,there is nothing more Tim the Tool Man Taylor could do for his state beside let his soft and soothing voice depict America’s high five, a place where residents are always on vacation. Pure Michigan… where no one has jobs. It’s unfortunate for the handless man trying to point out the purest city in Michigan, but for the able bodied, his finger points right to “the middle of his mitten,” to the capitol, a place where beer cans flow like wine, and bums flock like, well, drug-addicted bums after ten-cent beer cans. I’m talking about a little place called Lansing. With attractions like Potter Park Zoo and Deja Vu, visitors can witness big, smelly, loose beast within its confines, or they can even see some zoo animals too! Lansing, right in the center of the state within a nation deemed “under God,” a place as unadulterated and pure as a Catholic altar boy. Come… take the hand that’s Pure Michigan.
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And when you’re finally done getting your high in Lansing, take the CATA public transportation system to the booming city of East Lansing. Enjoy a scenic ride with deranged Lansing locals who bring their high with them. The overcrowded, disease-ridden bus (ironically known as the clean machine)drives to the gorgeous East Lansing where half of the downtown area is an abandoned project deemed “future development site,” and the other half is a cesspool of run-down bars and fine eateries like Menna’s Joint, a place that dominates the gullible freshman enthused by the word “joint” and skanky, drunk fat girl demographics. East Lansing… pure as a greased up Menna’s dub. East Lansing’s continuous cloudy skies and endless cold weather lend to the beauty of Michigan State University. Once the school year begins, any semi-attractive females are forced to hibernate for the winter, leaving nothing else for the students to gaze at but the contaminated and lifeless waters of the Red Cedar River. No matter the reason or the season, you can count on the fact that Michigan State University is just like the job market for students graduating with a communications degree, cold as fuck. While there might be one hotel to seek shelter at near the school, the budgeted traveler will seek refuge through Ricks American Café. With absolutely no effort or good looks combined with a 10-dollar Ricks buzz, the traveler will score a dilapidated, overpriced, and aged duplex stay with one of Michigan State’s ladies not attractive enough for hibernation. Surrounded by the Great Lakes,there is nothing more that can represent Pure Michigan than an easy Michigan State University girl offering her bed to an unemployed and overweight stranger. Pure Michigan State… come and get your hand wet, ours always is.
05: Siblings at State
What not to do when the little one comes to drink all your beer.
11: Bouncer of the Week
A big, bad bury boy from PT O’Malley’s.
13: we interview cut copy, an aussie band that you should know. because we say so.