Volume 5, Issue 14 | 12/07/11 -12/14/11 | theblacksheeponline.com
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The Black Sheep Presents “Exposed!”
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A Secret Memo by Lou Anna K. Simon is Uncovered
Samantha Shaughnessy wrote this Memorandum To: All Faculty and Staff From: Lou Anna K. Simon Subject: Finals Week: Let’s Rock this Bitch Date: December 1, 2011 ____________________________________________________ The time has come once again for all of us to collaborate and make this year one of the toughest and most heartless finals week in the history of MSU. As you all know, finals week comes not once, but twice a year. I believe it is our utmost duty to continue to outdo our cunning trickery semester after semester. This is the time that students are most vulnerable; they’re stress-eating, chain-smoking and popping pills faster than Whitney Houston, which makes it absolutely crucial that we keep these rascals on their toes. Now is the time to strike while the iron is hot, (red hot), and give them a real “thank-you-sir(or ma’am)-may-I-have-another” spanking. Although I’m open to suggestions, I am thinking of some real ball-busters, “Principal Trunchbull” style. For instance, I think it’s important for us to consider pumping an artificial (yet very convincing) scent of egg farts into every exam room. Attempting to focus on the material at hand, students will grapple with the odor of egg farts clouding their concentration. They’ll begin scanning the room, determined to pinpoint the culprit as they’re choking on the untimely, hot,
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peppery aroma. This distraction will be a true test to the students’ abilities. However, if this endeavor proves to be too pricey, we could buy Yak Baks in bulk in order to simulate irritating repetitive noises such as sniffling, pen clicking or coughing to achieve a similar effect. Although most of you have done an exemplary job of this already, I urge each and every professor to continue refusing any correspondence with their students in these crucial weeks that precede exams. It’s important to mysteriously disappear during office hours and ignore all student e-mails, especially those entitled “URGENT: Exam Question.” In addition to the aforementioned tactics, I am currently arranging another Angel “crash.” As the students are already convinced that Angel is a faulty and unreliable system, it is very unlikely that anyone will question our stunt’s authenticity. If anyone has access to a person capable of temporarily shutting down the internet altogether, there may be a $20 gift certificate to Applebee’s with your name on it. If my calculations are correct, the majority of students can be found studying in the library and/or campus cafeterias. In order to spoil these study spots, it’s imperative that we take action immediately: We need to bump the library’s temperature to a balmy 94 degrees and close cafeterias entirely (or provide only condiments and Wonder Bread). It’ll be a good ol’ fashioned goof!
04: lyric interpretation
in case you thought "no scrubs" was a nursing reference.
Furthermore, instead of having exams in their usual classrooms, we must station all exams in the buildings furthest from their original locations. We need to take advantage of places like the Plant and Soil Sciences Building, Olds Hall, and many of the other buildings that serve no purpose and are unfamiliar to the majority of the student body. It’s also crucial that we make all parking spots unavailable throughout the week; we don’t want to make things easy on these kids. Lastly, in order to make the lives of these students as miserable as possible, each professor will need to schedule their exam on Thursday or Friday (preferably at 7:45 a.m.) and make it cumulative. This will ensure that each student is forced to learn the lecture material if they weren’t paying attention the first time around, (which is probably the case more often than not). I mean, have any of you really talked to these kids? They’re stupider than that Neanderthal-looking blockhead Kris Humphries. Anyway, the point of this is that we need to get creative here, people. E-mail any of your thoughts, ideas, ploys, booby-traps, etc. with the subject,“Shatter the Souls of MSU Students” to clownbaby2011@yahoo.com. Best of luck, Lou Anna K. Simon Pimp Mama Prez Michigan State University
05:grazing at sparty's
because it's dripping with oil and ball sweat so delicious!
11: a letter to graduating seniors
you know it's not may, right?