Volume 1, Issue 4 | 10/19/11 - 11/09/11 | www.theblacksheeponline.com
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‘MERICANISM: It’s a Way of Life Marcus Bell wrote this There's no question that the US of A is the greatest country on the planet. It’s the land of the free and home of the brave, which translates into the freedom to bravely act an ass within the fine lines of the law. Our forefathers created our great Constitution to allow the citizens to make their own decisions regarding religion, occupation, diesel, gas or hybrid. Whether or not to save the environment or promote a just life is entirely the choice of the individual. With that said, here are a few ways to take your patriotism to the next level within the guidelines of law. - Practice your freedom of speech as often as possible: If there is a subject that you feel passionate about (religion, politics, athletics, WWE outcomes, zombie takeovers) go to the nearest down town corner, stand on a block and scream out the same sentence through a megaphone until you pass out. Once someone finds you annoying or acts offended, give that filthy communist an ear full of the First Amendment and watch as he or she fucks off promptly. - Dominate in the business world: First, locate a business industry that only has one store in your town and is barely making it by (coffee shop, bookstore, sporting goods, etc). Second, buy out every building within 300 yards of the store. Tear down or remodel the buildings to a monster scale duplicate of the competitor with an American red white and blue color scheme. Third, undercut your competition by 10% until the competitor shuts their doors. Finally, mail an employment application to the ex-competitor owner with a complementary foam finger with your logo on it. - Use oil excessively: Gas is what runs our country, so celebrate it. Don’t let the ridiculous prices keep you from having the same fun we had in the 80s. Skip going out for a few weeks, then take the savings, go to the nearest gas station and have that Zoolander-style gasoline fight that you have always dreamed of. Need a new car? Buy that quarter-ton
Other stuff
Inside
04: SEC Road Trip Guide, West Edition What to see and what to do when you’re behind enemy lines.
diesel and let our great grand children deal with that ozone problem. Bored on the couch wasting your life? Pull a Joe Dirt by filling a barrel full of gas and throwing lit cigarette butts into it, taking one step closer each time you miss. - Collect Firearms: We have the freedom to keep and bear arms with proper licenses. Once that license is acquired, feel free to buy a closet-sized gun safe and fill it with numerous goodies. There's nothing more invigorating than shooting a squirrel in the backyard with a semi-automatic Bushmaster complete with a laser scope and grenade launcher. I know those little bastards can get pretty elusive, so better put a bayonet on the end for safe measure. Other necessities to the collection: Cross bow, normal bow, Beretta, multiple shotguns, Uzi, flame thrower, muzzle loader, at least a design or two for future plasma rays. - Drink like an American: The next time you go to re-up on booze, try the “Drink Like an American Game.” First step, buy a case of your favorite light beer and a case of European pale ale. Second step, call over a partner and two other assholes that you intend on embarrassing. Third, commence the challenge. You and your partner take the effort to antagonize these pricks to a drinking contest (if they are guys, offend their masculinity; if they are girls, tell them they can’t keep up). Once they are properly antagonized, continue to fill your funnel with light beer and give them the Euro thickness. Within five funnels they will have either given up due to a full stomach or they will be unconscious, and America will have claimed another victory. Quantity over quality every time, it’s the American way In conclusion it is a blessing to be born an American, so don’t take it for granted. Push the limit of ‘Mericanism and celebrate the freedoms that come with that glorious spangled banner. If someone doesn’t like it, you have the freedom to give the two fingered salute and say the over used expression “It’s a free country.”
04: Top 10
Necessary and Relevant Questions to Ask Before Going to a Party.
06: Five Dos and Don’ts of Going Grove
You’ll be a lonely, unstylish dame unless you follow these tips.
02
Meet The Staff!
Table of
contents
campus manager Scott McVey editorial manager Lee Smith Advertising Managers Scott McVey marketing manager Monty Miller marketing team Scott Mcvey Morgon Monroe distribution Manager William Mayfield marketing team Scott McVey Reaghan Foley
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The Magic Game of Wizard Staff Fun costs money, here’s how to do it when you’re down to dimes.
Get your drink on every day of the week, fo' real cheap.
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Nicktoon of the Month Maybe Rocket Power wasn’t so great after all.
campus director Brendan Bonham
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Founders Scott McVey, Wes White, Brendan Bonham, Atish Doshi, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, and Jessica Sommers Questions?
info@theblacksheeponline.com ads@theblacksheeponline.com call us? 217.390.1747
Late-Night 101 Time to tell all your buddies the trouble you got in last night.
Pages 08 & 09 The World Famous Bar Grid!
Writers Monty Miller Phillip Berry James Foster J.B Cole Marcus Bell Paul Eason Bailey Blossom Kaycee Awesome
Advertising?
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Bartender of the Month Would you rather go out w/ Connor or pay him $20?
The (Hopeful) Death of Popu- We Interview lar Music Six artists we hope Dan Whitford from Cut Copy we don’t see around anymore. ...he's Aussie and awesome. The Riddle
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Word Search Costumes that may or may not be slutty...
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Word of the week Iridecent:
Encoded Tony Rust
Ah Judos Helm
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Definition: A person whose attractiveness changes based on the angle at which they are viewed. Sentence: “Dave was iridecent; from the front Jeanie really wanted to bang him, but when she saw him from the side, his
face looked like a bird’s."
04
THe top ten Necessary and Relevant Questions to Ask Before Going to a Party 10: Is there a THEME to this party? Themed parties are a different breed. The last thing you want to do is show up to a themed party with no costume. You’ll either have to ruin some good clothes, make up some bullshit story about how you didn’t have time, or make the rookie/hipster douche mistake of saying that your costume is an “ironic depiction of the theme”. 9: Is it a FRAT PARTY? If the answer to this question is yes then you don’t even need to ask the rest of them. Frat parties always have plenty of beer, loud/annoying/shitty music and frat boys. They almost always end with cops showing up and if you don’t mind risking humiliation it’s pretty easy to get some action.
SEC Road Trip Guide, Part 2 Monty Miller wrote this Welcome back, kiddos. As we all learned last time, it turns out there are eleven other SEC schools surrounding us here in Oxford. Who knew?!? Some of the cities are fantastic, others are fantastically terrible, but they are all worth at least one trip. Last issue we covered the six schools of the SEC East, so this time around we’ll stick a little closer to home as we discuss our own division: the SEC West. Fayetteville, AR (U of Ark.): You probably assume this place would be the least exciting town to visit in SEC West, and you would be correct. That’s not to say that Fayetteville is a boring town; it’s not. It’s just that it doesn’t have the indefinable aura that you can find in the other SEC West towns. But, it does have incest. Lots and lots of incest.
every time. Except when it comes to poisoning trees. (RIP Toomer’s Corner) Baton Rouge, LA (LSU): I can already smell the pungent odor of corndogs as I write this. Oh, you thought that was just a stereotype created by Ole Miss fans that were jealous of LSU’s consistent athletic success? You’ll be unpleasantly surprised when you arrive in Baton Rouge to find that the entire town smells like a trailer park full of carnies. My advice to anyone visiting here would be to bring a clothes-pin for your nose and a hard-hat to protect yourself while in the stadium. (I’m actually not kidding about that last one. You will have beer bottles thrown at you if you’re wearing any Ole Miss-related apparel, so watch out.)
"I can already smell the pungent odor of corndogs as I write this."
Tuscaloosa, AL (U of A): Positives of Tuscaloosa: Dreamland BBQ, attractive coeds that almost meet Oxford standards (nothing wrong with being #2 at something), and the ability to actually have something to cheer about at football games. Negatives of Tuscaloosa: Alabama fans, and the state of Alabama itself, or as I like to call it, “The Rectum of the United States of America.” (Just for those keeping score at home, that makes Mississippi “The Gooch.”) Auburn, AL (Auburn, dumbass.): If you ever hear someone call Auburn “the Starkville of Alabama,” you should punch him or her directly in the throat. They couldn’t be more wrong. Auburn is one of the most tradition-rich college towns in the entire SEC, let alone the country, and they know how to have good time too. Add in a beautiful campus and a morally lax attitude about recruiting violations, and Auburn beats Tuscaloosa
Starkville, MS (Those people.): I’m not really sure what to say here. I could take the high road and tell you about some of the worthwhile things to do in Starkville, but I can’t think of any. I could also just be an asshole and rehash a bunch of tired, old jokes about Starkville (how many State fans does it take to screw in a light bulb? I’m not sure; I’ll let you know once they have electricity. LOL!!!!!!!) but then this would just become a Local Voice article. Instead, I’m going to force you to make your own judgment on our neighbors to the south. “The Immaculate Deflection” (YouTube that) made it obvious that God already has. (SPOILER ALERT: He likes us more.) And our tour is complete! Swing through the SEC towns and you’ll feel like a rock star, beautiful girls, lots to drink and a longing to come back home to Oxford when it’s all said and done.
8: What is the AVERAGE AGE of the people attending? If the freshman you deflowered the other week invites you to a party, chances are you will be surrounded by guys who can’t carry on a conversation about anything other than how much they have had to drink so far. If someone in grad school invites you, be prepared to try to discuss shit way out of your league despite being far and away the drunkest person there. 7: Will there be DRINKING GAMES? If you’ve ever been to a party with no beer-pong/quarter/flip-cup or whatever, you know how boring it will be. These usually result in the girls talking at a speed and pitch which men cannot understand and those men either playing video games, watching ESPN, or standing on the porch firing heaters and bitching about the girls. 6: What is the approximate GIRL TO GUY RATIO? In a perfect world every party would have a 50/50 guy to girl ratio. Nothing sucks worse than seven guys pitifully competing for one girl who really isn’t that good looking in the first place. 5: Do I need to bring MY OWN BOOZE? Unless you are at a frat party the answer to this question is always yes. Even if the host has promised to get seven kegs you should still stash some handy backup beers in your car or the bushes by the neighbor’s house that are too prickly for guys to risk taking a piss in. 4: Will there be people there WHO I WANT TO SEE NAKED? Nothing blows harder than walking into a party to discover a full blown sausage-fest… except walking into a party to discover nothing but dudes and wildebeest-level women. 3: What is the MUSIC SITUATION? If you are invited to a party where some shitty local band is playing or releasing their new shitty album, don’t go. It will be nothing but ass-hats in jeans that are way too tight. You are way better off with an i-pod dock and everybody with an i-phone jockeying to play the next song and top the last guy’s awesome choice of “Ride Wit Me”. 2: What are the chances that I will GET LAID? Let’s be honest, going to a party where there is no chance of getting laid is a giant waste of time. 1: Will there be a SPACE-JUMP? If the answer is yes, you are in store for one of two things. Either you are going to a small child’s birthday party or your friends are the coolest people ever. Either way you are going to have a shit-load of fun. Getting drunk and playing with some kids will make you want to time travel back to 1996. If one of your friends has a space-jump at a party then they have thought of everything. It will be the best party ever.
paul eason wrote this
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SHOUT OUTS! So help me God, if one more of you fatties tells me not to forget to vote, I'll snap and shove your homecoming queen flier down your throat. Respectfully Already voted To the fool who threw the dead possum on my porch, you’ve got a dead raccoon coming your way. 83, we’ve been hoping you’d trip down the stairs for a year. Have a great Fall. 84. To the ginger whose debit card I lost: Stop crying like a lil girl. – NMP Leggings and Nike shorts, Y’all are an item again? Really? To my Spanish midterm: Prepare to die. If I order a stripper I expect him to show up on time dammit. Dave, I do remember your name and I do remember the camera. Thanks for nothing! -Holly Happy bday K-Fel, you better believe we’re re-enacting last year’s debacle, personal shot glasses and all! -Brit Whoever put mustard on my car, prepare to pay...I have ketchup and know how to use it...,Red Accord Jackie, it's called wine night, not whine night...get a grip and stop crying everytime we try hanging out. -Bridgette
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5 Fashion Do’s and 5 Don’ts of The Grove kaycee wrote this The Grove is a place to see and to be seen, and if you're a lady not dressed her best you're pretty much invisible. That would be pretty awesome if you're trying to be a superhero, but you're not, you're trying to get laid 5) DO find a flattering dress, preferably in red or blue. Sundresses are appropriate for early games, while cocktail dresses are more appropriate for late games. This one task alone should be more important than any and all of the schoolwork you have to do that week. Duh. Moving on. 4) DO wear your most impressive heels. This place isn’t the Kentucky Derby of tailgating for nothing. However, DO check the weather. If it rained the night before, stick to wedges. Stilettos or pumps will sink into the ground like you’re walking in quicksand. It’ll be impossible to walk— even before your first drink. 3) DO bring the biggest purse you can find—preferably with someone else’s initials all over it. Giant interlocking CC’s or oversized LV’s show that you can pay more in credit card interest than most ladies can just for their bag. Remember: We’re not snobs…We’re just better than you. 2) DO carry the following items in the aforementioned giant purse with the ninja star logo: flats, for when your feet can’t take the torture any longer; a Tide pen, for when you spill Abner’s sauce on your dress; band-aids for the blisters on your aching (but oh so cute) feet; a pack of gum to cover up your smoke breath from your uncle, your best friend’s dad and airplane bottles of booze to stick in your bra for the game. In other words, keep it classy. 1) DO bring your sunglasses so you can secretly judge other peoples’ outfits and to ensure that nobody sees your eyes tear up after that fifth shot of Jack Daniel’s. These sunglasses can match the logo on your purse or be a whole different person’s initials. Diversity is never a bad thing.
3) DON’T wear a sticky bra to the first couple of games. They will sweat off, plus you have nowhere to hide your flask. Guys: sticky bras are yet another trick that us girls have up our sleeves to confuse you. Don’t ask.
5) DON’T be the girl in the stadium with the beautiful dress and the raunchy black bare feet carrying her heels in her hand. Unsanitary. Unattractive. The only thing that should be encrusted is your neck. With diamonds and pearls.
2) DON’T leave the house without doing a quick ‘bend and snap’ in the mirror. If you moon yourself, change clothes. If something is popping out, put on a bra. If you can’t sneeze without a wardrobe malfunction happening, it’s a no. Don’t be the trashy girl that all the parents are talking shit about.
4) DON’T wear the opposing team’s colors. I don’t care if that purple dress makes you look like Kim Kardashian; if we’re playing LSU, you will get corndog slurs screamed at you before you are taken behind the library and beaten.
1) DON’T think that it is okay to wear an Ole Miss t-shirt and comfortable tennis shoes to a football game. Stop being ridiculous, this isn’t Mississippi State.
The Magical Game of Wizard Staff
paul wrote this
preserve the stuff in my fridge, I went on out to the power company and paid those assholes $356.84 out of the $650 or so we owed them to get our electricity flowing again. As you can imagine, I am flat broke. So what’s a man to do when he wants to enjoy himself immensely but spend very little money? Round up some friends, get a $15 thirty-rack and a $3 roll of duct tape at Wal-Mart, and get to work on a Gandalf-worthy staff. Let me explain the rules of this magical game. All you have to do is tape every beer you open to the top of the last one you drank. Easy enough, right? For any of the people who answered, “No Paul, that doesn’t sound easy”, stop reading right now, drop out of college, go down to your local fast food or gas pumping establishment, put in an application, get knocked up/knock somebody up, develop a meth addiction, lose some teeth and eventually die alone. It’s the easiest drinking game ever. Now let me tell you remaining non-dumbasses why Wizard Staff is so great: Last Saturday I took the LSAT in Memphis. It sucked. It also meant that I spent a whole shitload of money in Memphis. This alone would not prevent me from going out. I would figure out some way to scrape together some cash and go out to the bar. However, in preparing for the LSAT, my roommates and I forgot to pay our bills for the better part of two months. Wednesday morning, while I was singing in the shower, our utilities were shut off. In order to
(1) It gets you extremely drunk. By the end of the night, if you play like we do, you’ll be running around outside in little more than a bathrobe telling complete strangers that they “shall not pass.” (2) It’s cheap. Dirt cheap. You can play a full game for less than 20 bones and still have a pregame’s worth of beer left over.
(3) If you are a champion, then your staff will be large and glorious enough to fill that corner of your living room in need of decoration. (4) It’s a team building exercise. Once your staff surpasses six or so feet, your fellow wizards have to help you take every single sip. If you require help to take a sip then you’re damn sure going to make it count, which helps with the getting really drunk thing. (5) It makes you drink fast without even trying. You see, each can taped to your staff adds weight. Believe it or not, your body knows exactly how much a full/half full/ empty beer weights. So what your arm thinks is a full beer is actually half full. This results in your drinking faster, and thus getting drunker. (6) It’s not against the rules to play other drinking games at the same time. You can pour beer from your staff into cups to play Flip Cup, Quarters or Beer Pong. However, if you don’t drink all that beer, you must remove a can from your staff. (7) If you win (have the longest staff) you get something. What you get is up to you and your magical friends. It’s usually free late night grub, a pack of cigs or something like that. I like to play for the leftover beer. Next time you and your friends are broke and there’s not a lot going on in town, give Wizard Staff a try. Give me a call and I might just come play with you. Oh and if you play Harry Potter-themed Wizard Staff instead of Lord of the Rings, then you are a giant douchebag.
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HALLOWEEN PARTY! Late Night: 101 bailey blossom wrote this It’s Friday morning and Rebecca Black just dropped you off at your respective Greek “home away from home.” Donning your post-Thursday-night natural musk, Eau de Booze, you scour over the disgustingly delicious fried cuisine and sit down for a caloriefest. Can you eat your food in peaceful silence? No. Are you about to be asked two inevitable questions that you may or may not know the answer to? Yes. Question 1: “What’d you do last night?” Answer 1: “Got drunk” Question 2: “Where did you end up late night?!” At that moment in time Question 2 sounds something like: “What’s the meaning of life?” It’s overwhelming and unanswerable. However, you quickly catalogue any and all flashbacks to answer the question. The answer is limited, because realistically there are only a few options for late night revelry in the glamorous Oxford, Mississippi. You’re forced to own up to one of the following: The Solo Sketch-Off: Oftentimes, admitting to an SSO can be tough. In an attempt to camouflage your life as a loser, your answer usually sounds something like “Oh my god – I was so plastered I think I went to this random house but…”Stop while you’re ahead. No, you didn’t. You know you didn’t. This late-night experience can sometimes be an indication that you ordered all of your drinks with an extra wedge of lame. On the other hand, it can also mean that those happy hour Patron shots crept up on you, and you wisely removed yourself from any and all social environments. After closing out the bar tab, you faked a bathroom break to make haste back to your bed. The Lover’s Getaway Just a single branch away on the late-night family tree you will find the slutty first cousin of the Solo Sketch-Off: The Lover’s Getaway. Deciding to be accountable for this will depend on whether your chance love connection was a triumph or a tragedy: Triumph: “THANKS FOR ASKING! I WENT TO POUND-TOWN WITH A HOTTIE FROM CLASS!” Tragedy: “I don’t know...shit. Yeah. That happened. We only kissed though.” (Note: this is a lie.) Regardless of the where you fell on the fornication spectrum, your late-night exit was masked as a fake bathroom break, or you just went for a mad dash to the door.
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The “Rager” Usually the result of a poor girl-to-guy ratio, you can count on the “Rager” for half-cooked Totino’s pizza rolls, and the current iTunes Top 10 playlist. As the party dies down you aren’t quite as hammered as you thought you would be, so you decide to retreat to someone’s apartment for a few beers. Immediately making your presence known to fellow party-animals, you probably crack open a beer and belt the words to the Black Eyed Peas song blaring through the speakers. In a moment of revelation you suddenly realize: I don’t want this beer and I freaking hate this song. So, you decide that you need to go home. If anyone asks, of course, you were at the most badass late night of them all. The “Is This a Pregame or a Late-Night?” After a successful pregame and bar-going sesh you have almost reached your goal BAC, though you somehow end up at the same house you pregamed at. You look around, and see the same people you were with earlier. After slamming a few beverages, you catch yourself about to murmur: “Let’s go to the bar!” – No. Wait. I just stumbled back from the bar…this is the late-night. So, you disregard all confusion and call everyone in your phone book to join the party. Someone whips out a bottle of tequila, and you are under the same beer funnel you were making out with 3 hours earlier. The answer to the “What’d you to late night” for this late night extravaganza is usually accompanied with tales of projectile vomit. Late nights are not only limited to these four possibilities, however these four students are the most popular guys in class. College students can also find a way of combining two or more of these options, making for even more interesting answers to the daunting Friday morning question.
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Nicktoon of the Month: rocket power!
monty miller wrote this
Welcome back to our continuing series on the Nicktoons of the 90’s. We try to analyze these classic cartoons from the more educated and informed viewpoint that has come with age. We’re still really immature though, so mostly we’ll talking about all the hidden fetish jokes that Nickelodeon slipped in right under our noses. This week’s toon: Rocket Power. Every Nicktoon we’ve discussed up to this point is considered by the world’s leading children’s cartoon experts (also known as “pedophiles”) to be a true classic. It’s hard to hate Hey Arnold! or Rugrats. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. As much as it pains me to say it, some Nicktoons are actually terrible. You just never realized it because you were a kid, and kids are stupid. Full disclosure: I loved Rocket Power as a kid; everything about it from the theme song, the characters, to the constant bombardment of extreme sports montages. It was the shit back then. However, after re-watching some Rocket Power in preparation for this article more than a decade after its premiere, I can see that now only a true dumbass could enjoy it. If you still think like I did back in 1999, you probably want to say to me: “Hey, broseph! Take it back. Rocket Power kicks ass!” My response to this would be “Hey to yourself, broham! The only thing that kicks ass about Rocket Power is the theme song,” and then I would sing it to you: “We are riders on a mission! Action kids in play positions!” and then we would both get really awkward when we realized that the theme song has a good many references to child molestation. But, back to my main point: If you still think Rocket Power is actually as good as you remember it was, read on. The show is set in California, so, right off the bat, you should know that every single character is going to be a huge douchebag. For God’s sake, the state itself even looks like a huge douchebag. Since it’s California, and “things are different out West, brah,” all of the children of this coastal town do is play sports, and, worst of all, they don’t even play real sports, they only participate in “X-TREME!!!” sports. No school or education whatsoever; just pure, righteous, aggressive in-line skating. All day. Normally, at this point in the article, I would discuss my favorite character from the aforementioned show. However, Rocket Power’s characters are the least likable set of protagonists ever broadcast on Nickelodeon, so there is no favorite. Each one is more boring than the next: Otto: What a prick this kid was. Amirite? Seriously, he pisses me off so much I’m just going to move on…
Reggie: A controlling bitch. She publishes a “zine,” something I never really understood on account that she was only twelve years old. Who’s going to pay money to read a publication written by a female? I mean, middle-schooler? Twister: Otto’s best friend, whose very obvious mental retardation has apparently gone completely undiagnosed by his family doctors. Sam: I hate fat people and nerds, like every true American should, but, most of all, I hate fat nerds like ‘Squid.’ Raymundo: Otto and Reggie’s father. A single parent raising two kids, which is respectable. But he probably murdered their mother; so don’t feel too bad for him. Tito: The token racial-stereotype character. He’s from Hawaii, has darker skin, and an accent, so you know he has a lot of life-lessons and wisdom to share! Oh, the life lesson he just taught the kids ten minutes ago helped them clean up the beach AND win the surfing competition?? Imagine that! If you’re still reading this, I have to apologize for the pervasive anger throughout this article. I was fairly pumped about writing about Rocket Power, only to then have my childhood memories destroyed, so just give this article pass. I promise I’ll pick a better one next time. Want to suggest which Nicktoon we should be next? Tweet your pick to @TheBlackSheep_OM.
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drinking game:
Major? Engineering Status? Single Hometown? Jackson, MS Favorite shot to make? Vegas Bomb What is your favorite liquor to drink straight? Tequila Favorite pick-up line that shouldn’t have worked? "I bet you twenty dollars that you reject me." What super power would you like to have? Mind control, so I wouldn’t need pick-up lines. In a horror movie, who would you be sleeping with when you are murdered? Minka Kelly Future Aspirations? Retire young
Teeth
The infamous film, Teeth, needs no introduction. It’s popular among stoned high school kids with vagina obsessions and dental hygienists who are horrified at the thought of teeth being subjected to the horrors of down below. But now, thanks to alcohol, this film can be enjoyed by anyone! Number of players: Two. You can play by yourself, but that would be really awkward if your mom walked down into the basement and caught you watching Teeth alone. What you need: The DVD Teeth, shot glasses, and Pinnacle Marshmallow (To play on the vagina theme, you pussy). How to play: - Put in the movie! (They key is to decipher whether it is VHS or DVD. Proceed accordingly). - Every time the word “vagina” is said, you must take a half shot (I say half shot because vagina is used liberally in this movie. I’m looking out for you!). - Every time you watch an appendage get bitten off by Dawn’s vag-chompers (I wonder if she got braces on those things…) you must chug a mixed drink for the entire duration of the injured person’s dramatic bloodcurdling screaming. - If at any point in time a viewer hides his or her eyes from the graphic images of severed genitals, they must take a full shot, because that’s super embarrassing. - Any time you roll your eyes at Dawn’s blatant innocence take another half a shot. Honor code here folks, but seriously – who is this girl kidding? The Game Ends When: The movie does.
thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com/drinkage
Week
What’s your theme song? Led Zeppelin on shuffle. Craziest place you’ve woken up? I woke up in the vault on the 50yard line. What would you do if you had a time machine? What would Lou do from Hot Tub Time Machine? Get rich as shit. What is your pet peeve? As a bartender, I would have to say people who do not tip. Favorite show as a kid? DragonBall Z. Goku or Vegeta? 100% Goku Fresh Prince of Bel-Air or Saved by the Bell? Saved by the Bell, Kelly Kapowski changed my life.
recipe for disaster:
Nacharido
Legend has it that in 1995, a wise, old luchador named Adalberto Montoya attended a Phish concert in Mexico City. When he wasn’t wooing women in the ring and making piñatas for his niños, he loved to cook. At the concert, several kids recognized Adalberto and begged him to fill their stomachs with some paella or enchiritos. You see they had been smoke La Marijuana. Up to the challenge, Adalberto gathered all of his supplies and created El Nacharido. What you need: Nacho chips, huge flour tortillas, cheddar cheese, colby-jack cheese, sour cream, salsa, jalapeños, lettuce, pizza rolls, ground beef, liquid cheese, onions, tomatoes, chicken fingers, guacamole, and Taco Bell packets. Health Content: The calories might be as hefty as your County Market bill, but it’ll be worth it! Directions: - Cook ground beef in a hot pan on the stove until all of the pink is gone. - Stick frozen chicken fingers and pizza rolls in the oven for about 15 minutes. - Layer chips on a huge pan and melt the variety of cheeses on them. - Next, once the cheese is melted layer the lettuce, tomatoes, onions, beef, jalapenos, sour cream, guacamole, chicken fingers, and pizza rolls onto the nacho chips. - After everything is all layered, roll everything into huge tortillas and cover them in Taco Bell sauce. Now you have yourself a crazy nacho-burrito that all your friends will be jealous of… until you puke it up moments later.
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Maybe we’re just getting too old, but the popularity of some mainstream music really baffles us these days. Hell, we understand why Justin Bieber and Lady GaGa are “the bee’s knees,” as kids are wont to say. These six artists? Not so much.
drake
mumford & sons
lmfao
Artist: Drake Known For:”Find Your Love,” looking tired and sad all of the time. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Rapping an entire bar then pausing like this…to deliver a shitty punch line. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “If a million 4-year-olds chained to a million crayons were locked in a room, how long would it take them to write a Drake song, 25 minutes? 30?” Poetic Death: Everyone—from Lil’ Wayne to Nicki Minaj—who carried Drake on a track would take turns literally carrying Drake to a set of railroad tracks, where he’d finally meet his demise. Artist: Mumford & Sons Known For: “Little Lion Man,” being vaguely earnest. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Staaaaarting ouuuuuut playyyying a sonnnnng reallllly slowwwww, thenplayingthechorusreallyfast. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “If you sang all your lyrics at the same pace, couldn’t each and every word get their due?” Poetic Death: Tearfully, the band sacrifices themselves for a cause greater than themselves—one that flames out a few months later, like the Occupy Wall Street movement.
Artist: LMFAO Known For: “Party Rock Anthem,” enjoying shots in Miami. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Looking and sounding like fucking idiots. Loudly. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “Redfoo, SkyBlu, you both dress like your parents’ spent their lives shunning you. Sorry, that isn’t a question, just wasn’t sure if you realized that or not.” Poetic Death: Major Lazer challenges the LMFAO boys to a drink-off, only to trick them into pounding shots of liquid cyanide.
katy perry
dropkick murphy's
bassnectar
Artist: Katy Perry Known For:”I Kissed A Girl,” “California Gurls,” marrying Russell Brand, tits. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Catchy pop tracks with hooks and videos that imply women are sexually closeted idiots. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “Whose entire routine is more of a gimmick, yours, or your husband’s?” Poetic Death: No longer popular or famous, Perry offs herself in one last attention grab. It fails to generate the headlines she oh-so-desperately craves.
Artist: Dropkick Murphys Known For: “I’m Shipping Up to Boston,” being the musical equivalent of The Boondock Saints. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Wishing desperately to be from Ireland, using an accordion and bagpipes without a hint of irony. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “You’re the kind of assholes who roots for Notre Dame because you’re 5th generation Irish, aren’t you?” Poetic Death: Alcohol poisoning, via Jameson suppositories.
Artist: Bassnectar Known For: Being an integral part of the dubstep trend that’s sweeping the nation. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Having a shtick and a light show that mask glaring musical inability. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “Did you and Beyonce mean to get your extensions from the same guy, or was that just some sort of happy coincidence?” Poetic Death: A fan—while rolling their balls off on MDMA—sticks a turntable needle through the heart of a voodoo doll made from his hair, killing him.
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the interview
Dan Whitford of Cut Copy
The Australian electronic band Cut Copy has been blowing up in recent years, probably due to rave reviews from Pitchfork as well as picking up traction from the cool kids who follow the site. We got to chat with lead singer Dan Whitford about electronic evolution, writing lyrics to classic songs and playing tennis against Franz Ferdinand. The Black Sheep: So you’ve been playing electronic music since 2001. How has the electronic music scene changed since? Dan Whitford: Like anything, music’s kind of a slave to fashion and trend as much as any art form. To me, it feels like electronic music has been welcomed more as a mainstream form of music at the start of 2000. I’d guess partly because we had come out of an era of music where sort of indie stuff was really what all the cool kids were into, and anything with synthesizers kind of went a little bit into a niche world for a while there. I felt like dance music and guitar based music were very separate things and I guess that was sort of the mission statement of what Cut Copy was about, being passionate about both pop music, guitar based indie music or whatever you want to call it and also being really inspired by synth based stuff, and club and dance records. So, I think over that period of time those things have come together very much and it’s interesting that there’s the whole scene in the States now based around Pitchfork and stuff put online by sites like that. We like both parts of that music equally and use them interchangeably, and it feels like our mission statement has been fulfilled in a lot of ways. TBS: You guys do have such a great balance between using the synth samples and beats with the instruments that you play. Was it a natural collaboration of those two sounds? DW: It was tricky in a way because there really was no blueprint for that kind of combination. Finding a way to combine those things was the biggest challenge. For me it feels like fusion, one of the real dirty words in music, and I guess the idea of fusing synth and rock music probably could turn into something pretty bad. So thankfully we’ve found a really tasteful way of doing it and a way that was works for us and works for a lot of other people. It’s definitely not a mathematical operation, it very much goes by feel. TBS: Your music is super upbeat and fun to dance to, and it’s interesting because you’re from laid back Australia. Did that relaxed culture have an effect on the music you play now? DW: I think it has an effect on our personalities, I don’t know whether musically it did. Our music is a reflection of the music that we love. When I was starting out and being really passionate about music was about when The Avalanches were doing shows in Australia and just before they did their first album was when I first met them and came into contact with them, and I found their music really uplifting and inspiring and really upbeat as well. It almost felt like that sensation musically was something that I would like to express as well, in Cut Copy. In our own way, we felt like we were doing the same thing.
CD REVIEW
Out Now
Someone Still Loves You, Boris Yeltsin Tape Club
And we still really love Boris Yeltsin. The midwestern indie pop group Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin has got to be one of the most unappreciated groups in all of music, ever. Okay, maybe not ever, but they definitely deserve more praise then they receive. They started playing music together in high school, way the hell back in 1999, and released their first album Broom in 2005 and have continued to generally put out upbeat, quality tunes. Their 4th studio album, Tape Club, is no exception. Interestingly enough, the 26-track long album features nearly half of the Gwyn & Grace EP that was actually put out by the guys years before Broom. The 7-track Gwyn & Grace EP is a whole other subset of awesome for SSLYBY, so it was a surprise for me to hear some of those songs re-done on their latest album, finally showing off some of their amazing hidden songs from way back when. The album starts off with a rendition of William Blake’s poem, “The Clod and the Pebble,” and the track is just as poignant and beautiful as the poem itself. The album continues to go on with Gwyn and Grace re-masters snuck in every so often but with plenty of solid new material
UPCOMING RELEASES
A-
as well. “Sweet Owl” is a great, quintessential SSLYBY song — soft, whispering vocals with familiar, catchy background music. “Half-Awake (Deb)” is another awesome track that is upbeat and poppy but without the annoyance of trying to be too poppy (circa most of their songs from Let it Sway). The Wilmington demo of “Dead Right” from their album Pershing was another surprisingly great remix of an old song, performed in a refreshing new key and with slight variations that make the song sound like new. Though SSLYBY dropped the ball on their previous studio release, they are back at it and as good as ever with Tape Club, adding to their collection of classic albums. I can only hope that these guys start to get more credit then they deserve, while still secretly hoping they stay underground to continue making awesome music. Sounds Like: A really awesome secret that you don’t mind keeping to yourself. Download: The Clod and the Pebble, Sweet Owl, Back in the Saddle Listen to it When: You want to walk around in your undies, or get it on, either way.
>>>
Beyond the Sun - Chris Isaak Come to the Well - Casting Crowns The Great Escape Artist - Jane's Addiction Hurry Up, We're Dreaming - M83
The Smiths Complete - The Smiths Dystopia - Iced Earth Revelation Road - Shelby Lynn Rebels on the Run - Montgomery Gentry
TBS: You mention that The Avalanches were a big inspiration for you. What else inspires your music? DW: I think it’s a unique combination of stuff, just being inspired by different areas of music, art, film, just different things across the board. A lot comes from bands that we love. For instance Talking Heads, we listened to a lot of Talking Heads in making Zonoscope. It’s just a bit of a patchwork of our experiences and things that we’re inspired by and hopefully just our viewpoint in reinterpreting all of these things ends up being something unique even if really, at the end of the day, we’re just music fans. TBS: Did you write the song “Need You Now” about somebody in particular? DW: One morning I sort of wrote the basis of that track, and had some synths and some keyboards and a drum machine and just kind of penned out the whole thing while I was waiting for Tim and Ben to meet me at my house. And in the few hours that I was waiting for them I ended up putting that track together and doing some quick vocals that sort of fit with it. And, essentially, the vocals were as it appears in the final track, I didn’t change the lyrics at all. So it wasn’t specifically written about someone, it just came off the top of my head that morning. But it fit so well, I couldn’t bring myself to change it. We tried a few alternatives but it just didn’t sound right. TBS: Man, that’s awesome. That’s such a good song, and it’s cool that it kind of came out of nowhere. DW: Yeah, and that’s one of the things I was worried about. I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s a classic song but when you read about other people who’ve written classic songs often they say they do say it comes out of nowhere, or that the best songs happen really quickly and it’s almost as if it was meant to be. TBS: What else do you like to do when you aren’t playing music? DW: I like to get outdoors a bit, because I spend most of my time indoors when we’re touring. We have this thing we organized, before we started touring, where me, Mitchell and Ben from the band and various other musicians and DJs would play tennis against each other once a week. It got to the point that if there were touring bands or DJs that would be available, we’d get them to come down and play against us. TBS: What other bands have you guys gotten to play tennis with you? DW: We played against the guys from Franz Ferdinand when they were in Australia last, so that was pretty cool. TBS: Who won? DW: I think it was one set off, so we didn’t have a deciding set. They took the first set and we took the second, and I felt like we were going to come back and beat them, but it wasn’t on the scoreboard so it’s hard to say. TBS: Drink of choice? DW: These days I’ve been enjoying red wine before the show, I like a good Merlot. It’s nice, smooth, easy on the vocal cords and provides a good romantic, artistic vibe in the band room. Spirits can get you a little too wasted before the show.
jess sommers wrote this
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