Volume 1, Issue 4 | 10/19/11 - 11/09/11 | www.theblacksheeponline.com
The
Black Sheep
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
‘MERICANISM: It’s a Way of Life Marcus Bell wrote this There's no question that the US of A is the greatest country on the planet. It’s the land of the free and home of the brave, which translates into the freedom to bravely act an ass within the fine lines of the law. Our forefathers created our great Constitution to allow the citizens to make their own decisions regarding religion, occupation, diesel, gas or hybrid. Whether or not to save the environment or promote a just life is entirely the choice of the individual. With that said, here are a few ways to take your patriotism to the next level within the guidelines of law. - Practice your freedom of speech as often as possible: If there is a subject that you feel passionate about (religion, politics, athletics, WWE outcomes, zombie takeovers) go to the nearest down town corner, stand on a block and scream out the same sentence through a megaphone until you pass out. Once someone finds you annoying or acts offended, give that filthy communist an ear full of the First Amendment and watch as he or she fucks off promptly. - Dominate in the business world: First, locate a business industry that only has one store in your town and is barely making it by (coffee shop, bookstore, sporting goods, etc). Second, buy out every building within 300 yards of the store. Tear down or remodel the buildings to a monster scale duplicate of the competitor with an American red white and blue color scheme. Third, undercut your competition by 10% until the competitor shuts their doors. Finally, mail an employment application to the ex-competitor owner with a complementary foam finger with your logo on it. - Use oil excessively: Gas is what runs our country, so celebrate it. Don’t let the ridiculous prices keep you from having the same fun we had in the 80s. Skip going out for a few weeks, then take the savings, go to the nearest gas station and have that Zoolander-style gasoline fight that you have always dreamed of. Need a new car? Buy that quarter-ton
Other stuff
Inside
04: SEC Road Trip Guide, West Edition What to see and what to do when you’re behind enemy lines.
diesel and let our great grand children deal with that ozone problem. Bored on the couch wasting your life? Pull a Joe Dirt by filling a barrel full of gas and throwing lit cigarette butts into it, taking one step closer each time you miss. - Collect Firearms: We have the freedom to keep and bear arms with proper licenses. Once that license is acquired, feel free to buy a closet-sized gun safe and fill it with numerous goodies. There's nothing more invigorating than shooting a squirrel in the backyard with a semi-automatic Bushmaster complete with a laser scope and grenade launcher. I know those little bastards can get pretty elusive, so better put a bayonet on the end for safe measure. Other necessities to the collection: Cross bow, normal bow, Beretta, multiple shotguns, Uzi, flame thrower, muzzle loader, at least a design or two for future plasma rays. - Drink like an American: The next time you go to re-up on booze, try the “Drink Like an American Game.” First step, buy a case of your favorite light beer and a case of European pale ale. Second step, call over a partner and two other assholes that you intend on embarrassing. Third, commence the challenge. You and your partner take the effort to antagonize these pricks to a drinking contest (if they are guys, offend their masculinity; if they are girls, tell them they can’t keep up). Once they are properly antagonized, continue to fill your funnel with light beer and give them the Euro thickness. Within five funnels they will have either given up due to a full stomach or they will be unconscious, and America will have claimed another victory. Quantity over quality every time, it’s the American way In conclusion it is a blessing to be born an American, so don’t take it for granted. Push the limit of ‘Mericanism and celebrate the freedoms that come with that glorious spangled banner. If someone doesn’t like it, you have the freedom to give the two fingered salute and say the over used expression “It’s a free country.”
04: Top 10
Necessary and Relevant Questions to Ask Before Going to a Party.
06: Five Dos and Don’ts of Going Grove
You’ll be a lonely, unstylish dame unless you follow these tips.