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Volume 1, Issue 1 | 8/18/11 - 9/7/11
The
Black Sheep
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
Going Outat ole miss monty miller wrote this So, fellow college-aged male, it’s a Friday night in our town. What are you going to do? Sit at home, baking cakes and watching The Biggest Loser on TiVo? Hells no! You’re planning on doing what every other person worth two shits is doing: “Going out.” That’s right, “going out,” arguably the most important activity you’ll ever partake in during your college career. If you’re asking yourself what that phrase means, then this article is not for you, nerd. Do you know what happens to nerds? Have you ever seen a movie with nerds in it? They get their asses beat by the cool guys, who then celebrate their victory by “going out.” But how exactly do you successfully participate in this so-called “going out?” I’m glad you asked. I’ll walk you through the steps. First things first, what are you going to wear? Well, if you want to be cool, you’ll wear exactly what everyone else is wearing at the bar. Text your friends and ask them about their prospective outfits. If they respond by saying they aren’t “going out,” delete their number. They’re obviously losers and not worth your time. Now that you’ve got your bar uniform on, it’s time to start preparing to go to the bar and drink. This means drinking at another location besides the bar. Counter-intuitive? Sure, but that’s not the point. The point is that everyone is doing it and that means you better do it, too. Don’t get too drunk to go to the bar though, fellow college-aged male, because then you’d have wasted all your time just to be that dumbass sitting on your friend’s couch with vomit trickling out of the side of your mouth. Moderately drunk yet? Seen enough skirts to really start craving some physical interaction with opposite sex? Good, that’s all part of the plan. All that’s left is for
Other stuff
Inside
04: Know Your Enemy: Campus Bikers
Proof positive that southern hospitality is on the outs.
you to find some way to actually physically get to the bar. Take whatever options are given to you here: walking, cycling, driving, boating, horseback, roller-blading, teleportation; it doesn’t matter just as long as you get there alive. So, you finally made it. You flashed your shitty fake ID to the bouncer and you’ve shimmied and squeezed your way through a bunch of people who look just like you (good job, by the way) to make it to the front of the bar. Get your money out because you’re going to be spending all of it, and I mean every single penny. Remember that whole bottle of liquor you bought earlier and how much it cost? Every single drink you buy is going to cost at least that much, but these are the sacrifices you’re going to have to make if you want people to think you’re not a nerd. However, there is a plus side to the exorbitant spending that you will have to do when ‘going out”: girls will see how much money you’re throwing down and will probably think “Hey, that guy is definitely not poor. I could definitely see myself having sex with him.” This will definitely happen, definitely. When it does, you better be ready to act. Hopefully, when you roller-skated to the bar, you grabbed an extra pair just in case you met a lady-friend. If not, I hope you’re wealthy enough to still have money for a cab ride home after all the cosmos and appletinis you had to buy for that aforementioned lady-friend. Just whatever you do, don’t leave her alone, because you look the same as every other plastered horndog in that place and if you can’t even tell the difference, how is a lush like her going to? Keep these things in mind, fellow college-aged male, and you will succeed in “going out” and in life. Good luck to you.
06: 5 Things to Know Living in the Dorms Thankfully you only have to spend a year living in one.
16: 5 Shows You Should See This Fall
Who’s gonna be rockin’ out in Oxford?