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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 3, Issue 1 9/6/12 -9/12/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_om
The Grove and things of the sort Ryanne Flanders wrote this So, we all know it’s the start of school and, more importantly, football season. With this knowledge comes great responsibility. Freshmen, we’re talking to you here. Please, PLEASE stop everything you’re doing. Seriously, you guys need to chill. Everything is not the most serious thing in the world. Like, stop running to class. And, please realize the Student Union is a place to eat, not a social club. Also, stop dressing up for class like you’re going to the club. No, you won’t get a football player. Yes, you will get herpes. But please dress up for the Grove. We know, it’s not comfortable. Please put forth some effort. Don’t dress like you’re going to prom, but don’t dress like you’re going to a game at, say, Mississippi State. Wear something cute, as comfortable as possible, and dress-casual. For girls, you can wear light dresses, skirts, skinnies with a cute top, etc. Some people will say you have to wear heels, but just know that you will be crying by the time you get to the stadium. We’d say drink a bourbon and Coke, but you guys are underage and we’re not going to go to jail for you. Seriously, we couldn’t possibly care less about your wellbeing. Guys, basically wear khakis, some type of loafer or boat shoe, and a collared shirt of sorts. Try to get something with a horse, whale, or crocodile in white, red, or blue. Also, colored pants are super in these days. You don’t HAVE to dress like this, but really, you do. Don’t get mad at us if you choose to ignore our advice and stand out like a sore cowbell ringer. As a freshman it can be hard finding your place in the Grove. However, everyone is really drunk and super welcoming. So, if you don’t have a place to go just walk around, compliment someone’s Tory Burch or pastel pants, and wait to be welcomed. You get free food, alcohol, and a ton of people have TVs to watch the game. Don’t worry that you’re taking advantage, these people love it, and they can totally afford it. Don’t be alarmed if you see old people walking around acting like they’re twenty. Let them be. Once you graduate, you’ll get a job (seriously, people here get awesome jobs) and become stuffy and boring. The Grove is a place where you can always let your hair down. Realize that in ten (or fifty) years that will be you, stumbling drunkenly into a freshman, apologizing, and blaming it on your artificial hip. We have a saying around here:
your first college facebook album
what the title says about youuuuuuuu!!!!
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You may graduate, but you never leave Ole Miss. So true. We’re like a cult. But a well-dressed, fun cult that likes sleeping with one another. Now that we’ve lectured you freshies, it’s time to give a taste to the upperclassmen. We really only have one request: don’t get arrested. Okay, we lied. We have a few requests. If you’re 21, you’re DEFINITELY going to the Square after, right? Heck, you’re going even if you’re not 21. But, the advice is the same. Please, please, don’t bump into us and make us spill our drink.
what’s inside
It’s not cute. There’s a serious epidemic of bingers. We really need you guys to tone it down, and stop being offensive and sloppy. It’s so much more chic to just chill. Get drunk, have fun, dance. Whatever. We know you all were wondering what you were going to do this weekend, so now you know. You’re welcome. You have the life skills necessary to succeed in Oxford! Go spread your wings, our blue and red butterfly!
our guide to the apocalypse
bartender of the week
read up on what to do when robots finally take over.
stewart v., let’s say natalie portman and thomas jefferson walk into the corner...
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contents page 5: from the streets
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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sooo what did you do all summer?
page 6: shot sex - how your drink of choice determines your night because lord knows what tequila does to a gal like yourself.
Table of
page 7: the top ten sec schools to hate.
page 10: 6 fall films that probably won’t suck heavy emphasis on the “probably.”
page 11: the black sheep interviews baltimore native and general crazy man dan deacon.
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Blognosis: Any self-categorized illness one gives him or herself after researching symptoms of diseases on the internet. “Toby gave himself a spinal meningitis blognosis after researching neck pain on WebMD.”
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What Your First College Facebook Album Title Says About You kevin hanes wrote this A picture may be worth 1,000 words, but a title is made up of, like, four words, and they’re worth something too. Not only is the album title as personal and unique as giving or receiving your first OTPHJ, but it’s quite an important feat in your 18 years of life. Breaking into college Facebook album territory is like fresh sex; it’s all moist and exciting, and then you get to brag about how good it was later on. All the high school kids back home are going to be so jealous seeing you stuff your face with pizza at 2:30 in the morning in your brand new “college bitches!!!!!” album. The first album title is crucial. Just hope that your title doesn’t translate to a lonely, sexless college life. Oxforddddddd We get it, you’re excited for college. We see that with your extra twenty d’s. You’re a bit dramatic, especially when you’re wasted after two Keystones. You’ll enjoy getting real sloshed on Wednesdays, and you’re always seeking a good jam to sing along with at the bar. Unfortunately, you're very clingy, which prevents you from getting anything but random hookups. Bummer. “Young, Wild, and Free” Cool! You are like, so original with that lyric you got from your favorite song. “It’s just perfect,” you tell yourself as you confidently click “Create New Album.” But seriously, who are you
trying to impress? You’re not proving to anyone you have amazing taste in music, that’s for sure. You love following people. You will dabble in some drugs, and you’re almost always down to drink and do it. You’re a typical college student, and you will always be this way. Days of Our Later Adolescent Lives Really? Who do you think you are with your “deep” abstract bullshit? Just because you smoke pot and peruse Pitchfork doesn’t mean you’re different –It means you’re cripplingly lonely. In college you will struggle with everything that doesn’t have to do with school. You will fill this album with lots of sober dorm nights and music sessions. Ole Miss Freshman Year!!!!! Pretty classic but also pretty boring. It’s sad to say, but you’re the gross chick that wants to take as many pictures as humanly possible simply to show that you’re blossoming into the social butterfly you so desperately want to be. You got lucky and became friends with attractive people, and because of this you tag along to their cooler functions without problems. Fortunately, you’ll get a lot of sloppy blacked-out hookups purely for having boobs. Unfortunately, you will compensate for your insecurities by heavily drinking and will find yourself
blacked out and friendless in the bathroom of a bar, face in toilet, an hour past close. After you’ve filled your album with 200 unnecessary pictures of you and your gal pals posing before each night out, there comes a time to make a decision: Will there be a part one? A part two? Should you go back and delete a few where you didn’t look that good? Well you can’t delete that one because Kelsey looks really hot in it. Ugh, why can’t we all just go back to Polaroids?
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From the Streets
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Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What Did You Do This Summer? “I worked all summer. Zero Fun.” - William M.
“I studied abroad in Innsbrook, Austria.”- Grant P.
“Chilled like Chewbacca.” - Boone B.
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Shot Sex:
How Your Drink of Choice Determines Your Night kitty kat wrote this Alcohol is everyone’s favorite way of gaining a few extra ounces of confidence on a night out. And when used correctly, it can dictate exactly what type of sexual encounter you’re about to have. Let’s be honest, the only reason people really drink anyway is to get laid. So buy some shots for the girl down the bar or toss back a few yourself. Here are the most popular drinks and what to expect if you allow each once to be your pathway to ass. Beer: Why do you think frats give out free beer to everyone and their mother during rush? Because it’s cheap and gets the job done. Dirty frat boys are looking for a quick, hit-it-and-quit-it deal; they really don’t care how much you enjoy it as long as they get to bust a nut. If they bring a girl upstairs for the topshelf alcohol, that’s how you know they’re taking this seriously. If you’re a chick just looking to get wet and have a little fun, then keep hanging out in the sweaty basement all night with hundreds of other desperate girls. Sure, all that beer will make you bloaty and gassy, and you’ll probably just lay on his bed like a dead fish as he rhythmically rams your head into the wall, but at least you can say you got some. Four Loko: Ah, the high school days. Don’t expect your night to be much different from prom weekend. Four Loko brings out senior year’s youthful innocence and awkward blowjobs. The sugar and caffeine are constant reminders of your “super
tasty” mixed drinks of UV Blue and Mountain Dew you loved so dearly back then. Throwing back one or two of these at a party will definitely leave you feeling good, but don’t be surprised if you wake up next to his old high school football jersey and your first white thong from Kohl’s. Four Lokos allow us to embrace the virgin in all of us, complete with the blood and tears. Vodka: Maybe you’re recently single and just don’t give a shit anymore. Look no further from the good ol’ Smirnoff staple. Polluting your body with rubbing alcohol beverages will quickly put you right on track to have some regrettable, raunchy sex that night. Go as cheap as you want; Burnett’s, Svedka, it’s all the same once it’s past your tongue. By the end of the night, you’ll have just enough confidence to try out a new position or lick some toes or something. Gettin’ freaky is the name of the game. Rum: Nothing says “classy” like a shot of Malibu. Rum turns everything in to a tropical get-away, complete with bikinis and bronzed bodies, making everyone model material with just a few sips. If you snag your hottie early on in the night, set your sights on Bacardi to keep things going smoothly. The drinks are orgasmic and leave you tasting like coconuts and berry deliciousness. Your fling won’t get too kinky; you’ll both finish out satisfied and exhausted. If you’re looking for a guaranteed good bang without any issues, this is the way to go.
Whiskey: There’s always been something sexy about the whole role play thing. Evan Williams is a pro at bringing out the feisty actor in all of us, so if you’re looking for a little French maid action that evening, tell the bartender to send some whiskey your way. Tequila: With Kim K.’s ass, mountainous boobs, and foreign facial features reminiscent of Cleopatra, you’ve already decided your goal is to bring her home. She already has the set-up to be a total tiger in the sack, and that sexy, raspy voice would be absolutely toe-curling during dirty talk. Time to get her in the mood. Bring out her inner porn star with a few tequila shots. Girls feel sophisticated (yet wild and dangerous) while downing these babies. And they dig it when you spend a lot of money on them. Sadly, there’s always the need for moderation, as excessive drinking will cause you to pass out or vomit right before the magical moment. Sex is full of bodily secretions, but puke, piss, and shit don’t fit the bill. Well…most of the time.
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The Black Sheep Guide to the Apocalypse:
Robot Uprising Edition
phil mccracken wrote this
The Top ten SEC Schools to Hate It’s more fun to hate on something than to like it. We all know it’s true—everyone loves hating things. This is especially true in college football, and more specifically, SEC football, where everyone is everyone’s rival and everyone calls everyone a redneck, because everyone is a redneck. However, thinking of reasons to hate other teams can be time-consuming. With that in mind, here is a guide on the top ten easiest SEC schools to hate. 10. Alabama: There was like, one Alabama fan pre-Nick Saban. They’ve infested the world like cockroaches, and they aren’t going anywhere. “Roll Tide Roll” is also, frankly, gibberish. If someone showed up at sporting event and yelled “FART GNARLY FART” it would mean exactly the same thing, which is nothing. 100,000 of these bumpkins get a pass on their version. I guess you’re afforded that opportunity when you’re with 100,000 people as stupid as you are. Traditions are dumb. 9. Texas A&M: There is nothing wrong with male cheerleaders. There is something wrong with EXCLUSIVELY male cheerleaders. You can’t hide it by calling them “yell leaders,” either. We all know there should be scantily-clad co-eds in that fountain, not five dudes in white jumpers. 8. Mississippi State: Cowbells, huh? Well, that’s number two on the list of reasons not to go to Starkville, right after the crippling meth epidemic.
Ever since the Mayans completed their calendar, the world has more or less accepted that humanity will not see 2013. Even the initially skeptical among us are now almost totally convinced as doomsday predictions come true left and right. Devastating natural disasters. Pestilence. War. A TV show starring the Stained One and her mentally handicapped friend. Even the most optimistic will wonder if we don’t deserve oblivion for allowing Snooki and JWoww to exist. Yes, the Apocalypse is upon us. All that is left to find out is how. There are millions of Apocalypse theories, ranging from global epidemics to zombie outbreaks to Mutated Killer Shark Bees. All of those are stupid and wrong. The world is going to end in a Robot Uprising a la Terminator. The bad news is robots famously have zero empathy for human life and will find the most efficient way to destroy humanity. The good news is that we can get through this. Together. PREPARATION: Now that you know how technology is plotting your demise, you can take steps to soften the blow. The entire world communicates through Internetting, making us vulnerable to our computers and anything else with a WiFi signal. It’s tempting to swear off the web if it’s just going to use everything it knows about you to kill you, but it’s too late for that now. They already know too much. But! If they’re collecting data on humans by quantity rather than quality, we may yet have a chance. Instead of Googling “How to make a homemade bomb,” look up “butt porn.” Instead of researching the CIA website’s security systems for your computer class, look at panda videos for hours. If we overload the Internet with pictures of cake and anti-Semitic Youtube comments, the computers won’t know what to do. When they design the Terminator units to destroy us, we’ll be left with giant breasted Arnold Schwarzeneggers drinking gallons of milk and calling us “n00bs,” which is much more manageable. THE BATTLE: Assuming our Pinterest Terminators aren’t an issue anymore, we still have a long battle ahead of us. Cars connected with OnStar technology will reenact the worst Stephen King novel. Satellites will take a vacation from benevolence and
beam us only death. Your Kindle will download 50 Shades of Grey. Dealing with suicide bomber toasters and sweet military drones blowing your neighborhood into the next dimension will be discouraging. Even after we take batteries out of our phones and unplug the refrigerator, we still won’t feel that safe. But it’s important to fight on and not give into your cowardly urge to get to some place that doesn’t have technology, like Iowa - wherever the hell that is - and abstain from technology completely. Because robots now have the most important weapon we have, and Iowa is an acceptable atomic casualty. The safest place to be during the Uprising is right inside those military bases, hitting bloodthirsty Roombas with broom handles. Robots are very logical, and will not destroy themselves with our nukes. Once we’re safely in the base, we’ll enlist the hackers to play Tic Tac Toe with the military computers. THE AFTERMATH: The Robot Uprising will be a devastating blow to humanity, but only to the extent that losing everyone too stupid to not live in Iowa can be considered devastating. Communication will be limited to talking and carrier pigeon. We’ll be back to farming crap by hand and we’ll have to get used to the taste of radiation poisoning, but we’ll survive. The hardest part will probably be the crash of society. When the world is plunged into chaos, nothing will stop your neighbor from crowning himself King Emperor Overlord Dennis and demanding your shoes as a tax for living on his land. But periodic drone attacks should encourage villages to stick together and sacrifice Dennis to the Robot Gods. Oh, yeah. There are Robot Gods now, based on humanity’s innate superstition and the hope that appeasing bodacious murder bots with death will spare our own lives. The Robot End Times are coming, my friend. We have abused our technology for centuries and we’ve had this coming since we invented and encouraged the use of autotune. This reckoning is well deserved, but there’s hope yet for humanity if we act quickly. If we can stop Stained One, the SmooshSmoosh, the one the Old Ones named Snooki before she decides to make a music album, we can keep the Mayan prophesies from being fulfilled. Superibimus, bellum autpax!
7. Arkansas: The state of Arkansas is most famously known as the pair of pants on the man who lives beside the Mississippi River. This is a role they fill well and they should be happy they’re given that much. 6. LSU: These people only emerge from their swamp to watch LSU play. I’m thankful I only have to hear about them on game days every fall. Oh wait, I forgot Swamp People was on History Channel EVERY WAKING SECOND OF MY LIFE. History Channel, could you stop playing Swamp People every time I turn on the TV? A documentary on the bubonic plague would be less depressing. 5. Tennessee: Score a touchdown. PLAY “ROCKY TOP!” Get sacked. PLAY “ROCKY TOP!” Wear jerseys the color of a Dreamsicle. PLAY “ROCKY TOP!” Dwell in mediocrity for the past ten years and probably the rest of your miserable existence. PLAY “ROCKY TOP!” Play “Rocky Top” again. SHOOT MYSELF! 4. Auburn: Everyone else grew out of throwing toilet paper at trees in high school. More than one of you can drive and you can buy beer now. Act like real people, please. 3. South Carolina: God, we can’t wait until South Carolina delves back into the depths of mediocrity. Steve Spurrier’s been a big help the last couple of years, however, when he leaves, people will stop looking at him and finally notice the hobo jungle located outside Williams-Brice Stadium. 2. Florida: What is there to say about Florida that hasn’t already been said? Nothing in particular. Everyone knows they love jean shorts and Tebow. Thankfully, that’s all they have now since they’re terrible again. 1. Georgia: The number seven team in the nation won’t be that way for long. These Bulldogs start each year as media darlings, only to end up in the doghouse at year’s end. Enjoy a trip to the Chick-fil-A Bowl.
Henry Bergkamp wrote this
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The Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
MONDAY! Wingday Monday! $0.25 Wings, $1 Pabst Blue Ribbon Pints, $4 PBR Pitchers DJ Downstairs @ 9 in The Piano Bar
Late Night Breakfast Thursday - Saturday Until 2AM! Located Behind Soulshine! Hangover Burgers, Chicken & Waffles, and More!
THURSDAY - SATURDAY $1 PBR and Keystone Free Power Tower on Birthdays!
THURS. 9/06
Wingday Thursday! $0.25 cent wings, $1 Pabst Blue Ribbon Pints, $4 PBR Pitchers Karaoke Downstairs in the Piano Bar at 9
Late Night Breakfast Until 2AM! Hangover Burgers, Chicken & Waffles, and More!
$1 PBR and Keystone
FRI. 9/07
$2 “Pre Game Shots” from 8-10 Dueling Pianos downstairs in the Piano Bar at 9 Get Some Tamales! 5.99 for 1/2 dozen, 12 for $10.99
Late Night Breakfast Until 2AM! Hangover Burgers, Chicken & Waffles, and More!
$1 PBR and Keystone
SAT. 9/08
Open @ Noon! All Burgers Half Price Until 4 2 for 1 Margaritas until 7 $3 “Rebelution” drinks from 8-10 Dueling Pianos Downstairs in the piano bar at 9
Late Night Breakfast Until 2AM! Hangover Burgers, Chicken & Waffles, and More!
$1 PBR and Keystone
SUn. 9/09
Open at Noon - 9 on Home Football Weekend $4 Fireball Shots All Day Long!
Come in for Soul food Sundays! Meat + 3 Veggies for $12
$1 PBR and Keystone (Only Open on Home Game Weekends)
MON. 9/10
Wingday Monday! $0.25 Wings, $1 Pabst Blue Ribbon Pints, $4 PBR Pitchers DJ Downstairs @ 9 in The Piano Bar
Closed - Follow us @HullabalooOxMS
$4 Car Bombs
TUES. 9/11
Taco Tuesday! Blackened Mahi, Fried Shrimp, Beef and Cheese, and Veggie Tacos only $1 each. $2 Wells and Domestic Beers
Come in for some Banana, Bacon, and Chocolate Waffles!
2 for 1 Wells
WED. 9/12
Happy hour Until 7 After 7: Drink specials change every 30 minutes on the Specials Wheel! Signature Burgers are Half Price until 10
Take a break with some Strawberry Avacado Salsa and the best chips in town!
$3 Shots Pool League @ 8pm
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Mon - Sat: Happy Hour 4-7 $1 Off Everything AND $1 PBR, Busch, Highlife
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THURSDAY 9/06 Foam Party! 18+ Half Off Cover for Ladies in Swimsuits
SPECIAL NIGHT
$6 Hamburger (w/ Chips or Fries) 2 for 1 Drinks
Happy Hour 4-7 $1 Off Everything AND $1 PBR, Busch, Highlife
$1 Shot Night 2 for 1 on Everything until 9pm Penny Pitchers 9-10pm
Power Hour (9-10): $1 PBR & Keystone $1 shots, $2 Coors Tall boys DJ Gordo
THURS. 9/06
$6 1/2 lb. Footlong Chili Cheese Dog (w/ Chips or Fries)
Happy Hour 4-7 $1 Off Everything AND $1 PBR, Busch, Highlife
2 for 1 on Everything until 9pm Penny Pitchers 9-10pm
$1 PBR and Keystone DJ Wade
FRI. 9/07
$6 Don Vito - Seared Chicken, Sauteed w/ Onions and Tomatoes in White Wine (w/ Chips or Fries)
Happy Hour 4-7 $1 Off Everything AND $1 PBR, Busch, Highlife
2 for 1 on Everything until 9pm Penny Pitchers 9-10pm
Cornhole Tournament for a free bar tab!
SAT. 9/08
Check out our great food specials all week long!
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Flip Sunday: Call it right, the drinks are on us!
Only Open on Sunday Game Days!
SUN. 9/09
$6 Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich (w/ Chips or Fries)
2 for 1 Frozen Margaritas Happy Hour 4-7 $1 Off Everything AND $1 PBR, Busch, Highlife
$10 Pitcher of Beer and 18 wings 2 for 1 domestics
$2 Pitchers and $0.25 Wings
MON. 9/10
$6 Fries or Seared Chicken Sandwich (w/ Chips or Fries)
2 for 1 Domestics Happy Hour 4-7 $1 Off Everything AND $1 PBR, Busch, Highlife
Beer and Shot Night Buy a Beer, Get a Free Shot
$10 Burgers and Bottomless Beer LADIES NIGHT! 2 for 1 Wells 2 for 1 Shooters (slammers, lemon drops) Beer Pong League
TUES. 9/11
$6 Jumbo BBQ Sandwich (w/ Chips or Fries) $1 PBR & Keystone
2 for 1 Wells Happy Hour 4-7 $1 Off Everything AND $1 PBR, Busch, Highlife
Flip Wednesday: Call it right, the drinks are on us!
Whiskey Wing Day! FREE Wings and $3 Whiskey Drinks
WED. 9/12
6 Fall Films That Probably Won't Suck
Summer is sadly over. This spells the end of the summer blockbuster. The Avengers, Amazing Spider-Man, The Dark Knight Rises, and other non-superhero films that people probably cared about all came out this summer. There are no more huge hype machines screaming at us from every conceivable media outlet what to go see. That three minute trailer could contain the only entertaining three minutes out of the entire film. Here we have a list of six good looking flicks coming this autumn. We give you the basic gist of their plots, what you can expect if it's a hit and what you can expect if it's a stinker. By: Michael Mattucci
Dredd 3D - September 21
Frankenweenie - october 5
pitch perfect - october 5
Based on the 2000 AD comic-book character, Dredd is a member of a police force of the future called Judges who have the authority to act as judge, jury and executioner. They are the law. After the 1995 Sylvester Stallone catastrophe known as Judge Dredd, this movie should easily hurdle the low-set bar left by Mr. Sly’s goofy turn as a roided-out future Rambo. However, while it will undoubtedly be an improvement from its 90s counterpart, on its own merits it could still fail to impress. It’s a simple story, and for it to work the direction and performances need to be on point, lest it turn out to be a Michael Bay-esque action orgy.
Tim Burton remakes his own 1984 short film, this time going for the stop-motion he’s so famous for (even if he didn’t actually direct The Nightmare Before Christmas). The main character, Victor, loves his dog so much that he finds a way to bring him back to life! Shenanigans ensue as he tries to keep his creation a secret from the rest of the neighborhood. And no, he doesn’t have sex with the dog, why would you even think that?
A musical comedy about a group of misfits who form an all-girl a capella group to compete against the boys? Clearly it’s a Glee/ girl power! cash-in, but could the student surpass its master? Glee has always been a “you love it or you hate it” program, but many Gleeks are losing faith in the show. Pitch Perfect looks to plummet down the forgettable movie musical hole, joining the ranks of Hairspray and From Justin to Kelly. If it doesn’t, we’ll sing its greatness from the mountaintops, because who doesn’t need more ridiculous musicals full of singing teenagers? It’s just like real life, minus the social awkwardness and bacne!
By reworking one of his earliest concepts, Burton has the opportunity to get back into form with a dark but family-friendly comedy that also tugs at your heartstrings. Remember the emotional rollercoaster that was Dark Shadows? No? Well, neither do we. Oh well, at least he’s not bringing his wife, Johnny Depp, and his mistress, Helena Bonham Carter down with him this time.
Paranormal Activity 4 october 19
The Man with the Iron Fists november 2
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 | november 16
The exact plot is being kept under wraps (probably because it’s the exact same plot as the other three films), but Katy and her nephew Hunter, both missing since the events of the first two films, are now living next door to an unsuspecting family. These movies certainly stick to what Edgar Allen Poe called a “singular effect.” But just as Saw through Saw XXVI proved, many consumers love being force-fed the same scare tactics. And while they do try and change the game a little with each installment, overall we can’t imagine this film will change your tune if you disliked the first three. And if you disliked the first three, why do you keep coming back? PHONY!
This is a story of a village in nineteenth-century China banding together to fight off a larger threat. Don’t come to the theater expecting any level of historical accuracy. The Man with the Iron Fists looks to be a crazy over-the-top kung-fu action film with its own unique style brought to you by RZA, one of the most prominent members of the Wu-Tang Clan. However, he only co-wrote the film. His partner in this endeavor? Eli Roth, whose writing experience centers around the teenagers he brutally tortures in his gore-porn films. So let’s hope he didn’t help with the dialogue this time around. Here is a Rothian gem from Cabin Fever, in case you’re not familiar with his genius: Paul – “Why would you wanna kill squirrels?” Bert - “‘cause they’re gay.”
This made it on the list because regardless of the hate it gets, the franchise has a huge fanbase that throws its parent’s/boyfriend’s money at it. A success is a success. It’s Twilight - no further introductions needed. If you’re a Twilight fan there’s pretty much nothing I can say to make you want to go see this any more or less than you already do. As for the people being dragged to this by their significant other, one can only hope that the film comes full-circle from terrible to terribly entertaining. Otherwise, constant remind your partner of the sexual courtesies they owe you for actually seeing this.
the interview
Dan Deacon
Ask someone what they first think of when Baltimore comes to mind, and often the response will be one of two things: Crime or The Wire. Well, there’s also Dan Deacon, people. Part of the vibrant Wham City Collective, Deacon’s brand of music is as weird as it is catchy. His latest album, America, dropped August 27th. Be patriotic and cop that shit. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: I’m not as interested in how you started playing music, but when did it hit you that this is something you wanted to do for a living? Dan Deacon: Actually, I think the “this is it” moment came in three parts. When I was young and I first heard the trombone, I knew at that moment I was really interested in music. The second step toward my life in music occurred when I first started using MIDI files (Editor’s Note: these are used in making music on a computer.), it showed me how much one could actually toy with sounds, and those sounds became music. It wasn’t until my first tour that I was sure that this was what I wanted to do for a living. I wrapped up a tour and realized that I got paid a little bit of money to play music in parts of the world I didn’t think I was going to see. TBS: Your live shows are notoriously awesome. Do you plan ahead for them, or is it all spontaneous? Dan: When I’m playing a live show, a lot of what happens really is playing off the crowd’s energy. I’ll try to introduce one or two new ideas on each tour, but a lot of what happens are spontaneous reactions to the crowd’s energy. Like, if the crowd is going crazy, I’m having a great time up there. If the crowd doesn’t seem like it’s having a good time, I take it in one of two directions, either I’ll try harder to try to win them over, or it’ll be like, “f*ck ‘em, I’m doing this anyway.” TBS: So what’s it like playing in front of a crowd that’s not into it? Dan: Oh, I mean, that rarely happens. I’d say nine out of ten times the crowd is really into it. I mean, really, I can’t even remember the last time I played a show and the crowd wasn’t having a good time. Even then, when I say, “f*ck ‘em,” it’s more, “I’m going to put on the best show I can, regardless of what they may think about it.” TBS: Over the past few years electronic music has really came on the scene, though it’s music that’s very different from the stuff that you do. Does that excite you? Make you wary? Dan: I’ll just be happy when it’s not considered electronic music anymore. I may not be really into a lot of what people consider electronic music, but I’m really interested in the way artists are able to create sounds that we’ve never seen in music before. Even more than that, many “electronic” musicians add non-electronic elements to their music. What I don’t want to see is us going backward- music that sounds like music that was popular in the eighties and the nineties.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
bachelorette
in theaters september 7
TBS: When you started to introduce elements like strings into your music again, was that difficult? Was there a learning curve? Dan: Well, when I started working with acoustic instruments again, it was challenging. I was rusty, having not used them in so long. Creating music isn’t like riding a bike—you don’t just pick it back up right away; it’s like speaking a language, if you don’t practice regularly, then you lose those skills. When I picked up some of the compositions that I had written when I was in college I was sitting there wondering how I had put them together back then.
Yes, it's similar to the Kristen Wiig classic Bridesmaids, but who doesn't love a good tale of a bunch of gals gettin' together and having a good time (aka, getting drunk at a wedding)? Plus it stars Rebel Wilson, the hilarious Australian lass who is definitely going to say an inappropriate thing or seven throughout the film.
TBS: What the f*ck is “Crystal Cat” about? Dan: [Laughs] I’ve never heard anyone ask that before. Well, on “Crystal Cat” I took the instrumental part of the song and I just started making nonsense noises that fit with how the song was progressing. After that, I worked on turning those noises into words, which fit with the music.
British indie group The XX are back with their much anticipated second album Coexist. They broke out way back in 2009 with their critically acclaimed self-titled debut, releasing great single after great single. Coexist is a danceier album than the subtle, sexy tunes that we're used to, but it's still going to be awesome.
TBS: Watermelon or cantaloupe? Dan: I guess it would depend on the situation that I’m in, but nine times out of ten I’m going to choose the watermelon.
the mtv video music awards
TBS: If you could have any mythical creature as a pet, what animal would you choose? Dan: A dragon. TBS: What is one thing you want to see or do before you die? Dan: I’m not sure. Nothing.
The xx - coexist
out september 11
thursday, september 6th at 8pm
It ain't The Grammys, but it's a hell of a lot more interesting. Comedian Kevin Hart hosts this year's event, and the potential shenanigans is what gets us most excited. Will Kanye propose to Kim? Will Carly Rae Jepson be recognized as a real artist? Will Skrillex flip that hair around on stage to accept the first EDM award? We're just dying of anticipation over here.
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bartender of the week stewart v. the corner Relationship status: Single Major: Accounting
What celebrity would you most like to punch in the face?: The entire Jersey Shore cast.
Favorite drink: Woodford Reserve on the rocks.
What celebrity do you most want to hook up with?: Natalie Portman
Favorite shot: Surfer on Acid, Jager, Malibu and pineapple.
What’s the funniest thing you’ve seen on the job?: I gave a trash bag to a girl to throw up in and she proceeded to turn back around, take a shot, and chug a beer.
Worst drink ever: Vodka and cranberry juice. Favorite Song: “Time” or “The Great Gig in the Sky” by Pink Floyd.
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the riddle
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the classtime
totally tailgating
Across
4) ESPN’s Saturday morning gig. 8) You can thank them for setting it all up, usually. 9) 50% of the time you don’t make it here. 12) Basically bags. 15) The OG drinking game. 17) The act of making extremely delicious things. 19) Throwing bolas. 20) A bro’s tailgating uniform. 21) A handstand with help.
7) Huge, cheap, and everyone centers around it. 10) A real badass brings this RV. 11) The whole reason you do this, supposedly. 13) One shot of beer every 60 seconds. 14) Brought attention (and cameras) to tailgating. 16) A standard starting time, in the A.M. 18) Keeps that beer so kool.
Down
1) We can think of a sunny tune about this game. 2) Ladies will dawn these with their school’s logo. 3) Fat-free, but not booze free. 4) With beans, or without. 5) Burgers, hot dogs, brats... bacon... 6) Pairs nicely with chips.
Answers
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the classtime madlib: 1st day of freshman year I’m just reading over my ___1___ entry from yesterday, where I live-blogged my first day of college. Holy ___2___, I am awesome: 8 am: Okay, so I’m getting ready for my first “class” lol. This to-go coffee mug is so perfect for ___3___ and ___4___. Plus I’ll look so ___5___ around the guys. I hope some are wearing ___6___! 10:20 am: Thaaaat was boring. Skipping ___7___ because I don’t even know what I want to be yet. I’m thinking I could be the next ___8___ because I’m so emotional and creative. Hopefully my roommate is back, she’s from ___9___ but I can tell she’s got a wild side to her, like that bitch ___10___. Maybe she’ll want to rip the ___11___ and go H.A.M. in the caf. 11:30 am: WOW what a ___12___! She said she won’t smoke yet because she usually waits until right before dinner. I wonder if everything is okay? I found her fifth of ___13___ and I’m just going to have a sip.
11:55am: I just Googled hiccup cure. :/ 1:30 pm: So I went to the Caf by myself and spilled a tray of ___14___ all over this cute dark-skinned boy. I said “___15___, you ain’t trippin’, I am trippin.’” Everyone laughed at me! Maybe I’ll be the next Chelsea Handler? 2pm: I just ordered an extra-large, double ___16___ pizza, about to carry it down the hall to make some drinkin’ buddies. 4:35 PM: OH MY GOSH I just got this sophomore to buy me alcohol, but she insisted on a 6-pack of ___17___ instead of the 30 rack I hoped for. She goes, “You don’t want to end up like ___18____.” I was kind of offended, but I took them anyway. 9:30 pm: Wow, I’ve never had a nap like that before! Feels like I’ve been on ___20___ for like three years. I went to the bathroom and saw I had vomit on my ___21____ so that’s cool. Met some girls bonging ___22___ in the bathroom, so I think I’m going to meet up with them now. College is awesome!
1) online blog/journal 2) expletive 3) Cheap liquor 4) unusual mixer 5) adjective for smart 6) type of fabric 7) Entry-level math 8) Trendy author 9) foreign country 10) rowdy celebrity 11) weed smoking device 12) adjective for dork 13) expensive liquor 14) drunk food 15) slang for boy 16) meat topping 17) craft beer 18) celebrity in #10 19) Trashy mtv show 20) Planet 21) Article of clothing 22) cheap beer