Vol.6, Issue 1
The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
FRE TIC E...LIK KET E O GIV UR EAW SUP AY O ER B N P OWL AGE 3!
1/23/14 - 2/5/14
OLE MISS STUDENT’S MONEY
MYSTERIOUSLY VANISHES OVER BREAK BY: LOGAN LITTLE There is another case of theft in the South 18th Street area of Oxford, Ms. A University of Mississippi student has reported a theft of nearly $450 upon returning back to town after spending his winter break everywhere but home. “I was just at Walgreens and I was gonna get a little cash back after buying this thing of ChapStick, and the guy was all like, ‘You got enough for the ChapStick but not for the cash back.’ I was like ‘dude, you are a literal idiot, I have 2 sets of grandparents and 2 sets of step-grandparents. I got cash breh’,” says University of Mississippi student Jared Michaelson. “Then I tried again and it still wouldn’t work. So I go to check my balance at the ATM and dude I only have 3 dollars, so I think ‘whatever, I still got my Christmas cash in my wallet.’ I crack open the ole ostrich skin and all I’ve got are a couple dust bunnies. I cleaned those out, ‘cause that’s nasty, then I called the police.” “Yeah I was the first in,” mounted unit Sergeant Hamilton “Ham” McMahan tells us, “I was pretty close because, I mean, it was a Tuesday night in the beginning of January. Outside of covering the crosswalks in horse shit we don’t really have much to do. Anyway, I heard dispatch talkin’ about this theft, so me and my steed, Misty, we went down to check it out.” Upon arrival Sergeant Ham McMahan cleared the store of any suspects. After getting a 99-cent Arizona Tea and a little
cash back, he taped off the area blocking any customers from leaving the store. Michaelson, the sole customer, was questioned by the sergeant in an attempt to narrow down a possible suspect in the theft of his Christmas money. ”I wanted to get an official story on record of where he had been and who he had been with, so that we could pick out some possible perps, plus it gave me a chance to brush Misty. If you don’t show your Equidae consistent love and care then they won’t charge into battle with you.” Michaelson reports that he received the money from his GamGam, GG, Mamaw, and Mawmaw in several “hard–to-open envelopes,” in which the actual cash was covered by a “sort of cash holder book thing” with “Christmas shit and old grandma handwriting on it.” He states that after throwing away the external wrappings and cards he placed the money in his wallet, where it stayed until he returned back to Oxford and tried to get some ChapStick and a little cash back. “It doesn’t make sense, dude. I got that money Christmas day, and I put it right in my wallet. I went out Christmas night with some bros from home, went to my pledge brother’s deer camp in Greenwood those next few days, and I know it was still in there,” says Michaelson. “After that me and my dawg Jake went down to the coast to the casino but his fake
wouldn’t get him in so we just went to Hooters and got smashed, and I know I still had it after that.” Michaelson states that his wallet remained on his person throughout the New Years Eve trip to New Orleans, and he was even able to not lose it on the slopes of Denver during his New Year ski trip with friends. After keeping up with his wallet on the
plane ride to Memphis and driving back to his South 18th home, Michelson says the last stop he made was for some ChapStick and a little cash back. “It just doesn’t make sense, I don’t know what happened.” The incredible stealth and secrecy used in the theft of the Christmas money leads law enforcement to believe that they might be dealing with a master pickpock-
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ABROAD STUDENT’S TRAVEL BLOG AWARDED PULITZER PRIZE IT’S THE PERFECT BALANCE BETWEEN COUNTERCULTURALISM AND FORCED CONFORMITY.
et, or some clan of young orphan thieves. Sergeant Ham McMahan reports “It’s really sad to see someone just want a little cash back and not get it, but what’s even sadder is that this hard-earned Christmas money was stolen by some punk, and is just out their being spent on who knows what? Probably cheap booze and doublecut drugs.”
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