Ole Miss - Issue 1 - 9/4/2014

Volume 7

The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

FRE E ON ! LIKE YO U T H R W E VIT AY T AM O C IN D L AS S.

Issue 1

MKTG 303 Syllabus – Marketing Statistical Data of Communications Strategy and Data Strategy (Fall 2014) Monday-Friday, 8-10 AM, Dexter 112 Dr. Gerald Potts - gpotts@gmail.com.

The majority of my mail ends up in my spam folder; all responses may come two weeks after the message is received, if at all.

Exam 2: The Thursday after U.S. plays an 8-hour set at the Sigma Chi house, or the one time most students accidentally sleep in.

Final Exam: Friday afternoon of exam week, typically the final exam is held as far away from all convenient commuter parking spots and will last two to three hours.

Office: Dexter 212.

Office Hours: Monday 11-11:15. If my door is closed, please do not disturb me. I am working.

Course Description: This course covers topics such as marketing statistical data; strategic communications strategy; and other vague business vocabulary words combined into a long ambiguous title. MKTG 202 (minimum grade: D) is a pre-requisite for this course.

Objective: Marketing is the business of promoting and selling products or services, including market research and advertising. This course is designed to introduce students to a bunch of vague technical jargon and graphs that describe very little and will undoubtedly bore, and or, disengage all 200+ students in the lecture hall.

Make-up Exams: No make-up exams will be offered, so don’t even ask. Or even think about it. I will lose it, I swear.

Quizzes/In-class assignments: During most classes, I will give either a quiz or assignment that will review the unclear, rambling tangents I have presented during lecture. They will be graded however I deem necessary. Don’t you dare ask about the grading.

Attendance is optional, but will definitely be taken the days you happen to sleep in or miss class due to a mammoth, incurable hangover.

Class will consist of unrelated stories, nonsensical digressions, inappropriate YouTube videos and illegible Powerpoint presentations.

Participation in class discussion is strongly encouraged, but will often be followed by patronizing looks, as well as snide remarks and/or comments.

Textbook: Principles of Marketing 6th edition, N. Gregory Denzo; ISBN: 978057765366. This $500 book is a required text that will only be used twice, however students are required to lug it to every class for the entire semester as part of their attendance grade.

Students with Disabilities: If you have a documented disability and require accommodations, please let me know at the beginning of the term and I can make sure to alert the class of your disability so they don’t have to sit next to you.

Final Grades will be based on either a weighted score of exam average (70%) and quiz/assignment average (30%) or whether or not I like your face - however I’m feeling that day.

Academic Honesty: Cheating and academic dishonesty will not be tolerated; however I won’t be surprised if students will either use their smart phones and/or the test bank from last semester.

Exams: There will be three equally weighted in-class exams.

Absences: Students who are absent are responsible for any missed material, as well as uncovered material that I assured the class no one was accountable for.

Exam Dates Exam 1: The Monday after the Alabama football game, when you are super-hungover and don’t feel like straying too far from Netflix and your nice warm bed.

PAGE 5

As the instructor, I reserve the right to make unannounced changes to this syllabus, as I deem necessary so I can make you my bitch come Christmas season.

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PAGES 10-11

A GUIDE TO FIGHTING FOREGETFULNESS

TOP 10: PLACES TO HIDE FROM COPS

WE INTERVIEW: MIKE BIRBIGLIA

YOU DIDN’T ALREADY FORGET TO READ THE ARTICLE, DID YOU?

MAYBE ONE DAY YOU TOO CAN CROSS “HIDING IN A DRYER” OFF OF YOUR BUCKET LIST.

OUR CHAT WITH THE COMEDIAN AND STAR OF SLEEPWALK WITH ME.

FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_OM SEPTEMBER 4th, 2014 - SEPTEMBER 17th, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Knowlton Bourne

MARKETING MANAGER Justin Ewing

EDITORIAL MANAGER Barney Thompson

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

ADVERTISING MANAGERS Mayra Fabian & Sharlea Lyles

OWNER Atish Doshi

ADVERTISING TEAM Mayra Fabian & Shar lyles

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, HeatherJo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

WRITERS Logan Little, Chaning Green Justin Ewing SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Jordan Lucas

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02

PAGE 3

A FEW MORE WAYS

BEAT OUR CAPTION!

TO KILL SOME TIME.

THE GROSS SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME GAME!

THE METAL FANG “’This is least deformed chicken I’ve ever seen!’ the KFC worker proclaimed before casually throwing it in the fryer.”

Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

WORD of the WEEK

FLUORESCENTED Any person or object so strongly reeking of artificial smell that it makes one’s eyes water.

After Tommy hotboxed his bathroom with Axe body spray he was so fluorescented three women were later admitted to the ER with lung infections.

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. Above is an outline of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

1

Has a young daughter named Sophie Laurent.

2

Released an album, My Teenage Dream Ended.

3

Appeared on Couples Therapy.

# # #

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A Guide to Fighting Forgetfulness Justin Ewing wrote this Here at The Black Sheep, we understand the stress of college life. For most of you this will be your first time having to actually manage their own study habits while also trying to avoid sobriety as often as possible.

Given how easy it is to forget a homework assignment here or a final exam there, we wanted to present a few ways to help remind yourself when your essay deadlines are coming around.

Kiss the sky: Well not quite, but close. For the incredibly affordable price of ~$1,500 you can get a kinda creepy old guy to sky write over the Grove that you’ve got more on your plate than a nap in the grass. It’s not the most economic solution but it’s a pretty baller move to use the sky as your personal day planner.

The only real downside here is that on windy days your messages might skedaddle from the Grove to half a county over. Definitely requires some planning ahead, which is one of your problem areas. So perhaps this isn’t the best one for you.

Illuminati demon: Ole Miss has enough old money that you’re sure to have at least a friend of a friend who has some Illuminati ties. Make a few calls and get your very own benevolent being as a personal assistant,

play your cards right and it might even take the form of Yeezus. If you’re unlucky it might take the shape of something less enjoyable, such as a hell-hound or O.J. Simpson.

Aside from the infrequent soul stealing and casual mass manipulation there are hardly any downsides to having a chaos-lusting creature made mostly of sulfur and kitten tears. It might drag the mood down around holiday season, but your parents will just have to understand that a demon at Thanksgiving is an A in biology.

Prison-style tattoo: Post-It notes are way too easily ignored, and it’s such a waste of paper and trees.

Hyper-green college you really cares about the environment, and skin is, like, always growing back anyway. Just heat up the needle and scrawl out what chapters you need to kinda, sorta skim through an hour before next lecture.

The obvious downside here is that you’ll probably run into health issues with the amount of less-thansterile settings to tap out a quick message. Also, the amount of Post-It note quality tattoos might render you unlovable. It’s a give-and-take kind of thing.

Marching band: Their cymbals are so outrageously loud, it will impossible for you to for you to think about anything but the day that they will leave your life forever. You might even do the multimodal assignment before it’s the last day to turn it in before the grade becomes a sinking F. The lack of sleep and inevitable noise complaints from neighbors is going to really make this a high commitment kind of deal. A bit of a last resort kind of thing, if you will. While a case of orchestra-induced

THE RUN AROUNDABOUT @AxeTreeFallMan wrote this

People definitely make assumptions about you when you say that you’re from Oxford or go to Ole Miss. Now, whether they assume you’re well-educated and can drink 17 PBRs a night or you’re a racist hatemonger is up to you and your life choices, but the fact that people have such strong opinions about our town puts swagger in our step. We’ve got it all: a bar scene that doesn’t quit, babes, riot police horses, Eli Manning, babes, and now we have (dusts shoulder off ) the SECOND LARGEST ROUNDABOUT in the state of Mississippi. Take it in, it’s a lot. Undoubtedly this fantastic piece of concrete raises our coolness way above any other college town in the state, but what does it really say about us as a town and a school?

Stacks on Deck: These slick new circles were no gift from the traffic gods. No sir, even with a generous $500,000 from MDOT, it was still going to cost the city a pretty penny, and we’re not talking flip night. The roundabouts on South Lamar cost over a million dollars, so you can imagine the tab ol’ Patty Patterson was stuck with. But is anyone worried? Nope.

Oxford, MS averages 20 DUI arrests a week!

The local government has money to blow.

Too Cool for Traffic: Let’s face it, Old Taylor Road this time last year sucked black bear ball sack. Even if you lived at Turnberry Condos you had better leave an hour and a half early to even attempt to get near a parking lot before it was full. Students who lived in the Mark were missing weeks of class because of the never-ending traffic.

rage has yet to be recorded, there’s always a first and you’re probably a little too pretty for big boy jail.

So, there you go. Of those four totally good ideas, you’re bound to find one that works. Either that or go back to using those lame paper planners and spamming yourself with Gmail reminders until the constant stream of alerts turns into a carousel of guilt. Carousels of guilt are way worse than Illuminati demons. Best of luck out there, Rebels.

This quick answer to a population problem is a sure sign of coolness. Who doesn’t like to wait? Cool people.

Boobs Matter: MDOT may have funded them, but the good brothers on fraternity row designed the wonderful artwork on Old Taylor. Hidden in the form of modest roundabouts, if viewed from above, you will see true beauty of the traffic-minimizing roadwork. Perfectly symmetrical, beautiful middles, soft round edges, the roundabouts would look perfect dressed in a romper with a vodka-Diet Coke in the Grove: a true monument to the goddesses of Oxford.

We Like A Challenge: We don’t know if you have been on these things, but it is two lanes of pure mindfuck. There are lines everywhere! It looks like a Friday night at the Pike house. Does this mean that the students and citizens of Oxford are just going to give up? Hell no! Pick a lane and stay in it on these babies, when in doubt just keep on driving, what goes around comes back around, including your Altima.

At face value Oxford is nothing more than home to a highly intoxicated student body, but we’re a town of doers. Outlaw beer on Sunday? Let’s do it. Make it legal again? Sure.

Bring Aaron Carter to Proud Larry’s? Bring it on. Build the second biggest roundabout in Mississippi to make it easier for students to get to class and for people to get hammered in the Grove? You better believe it. The fact is, Oxford can do anything it sets its mind to.

LIFE ADVICE

THE TOP TEN Places to Hide from Cops Underage drinking? Violating parole? Just afraid of people in uniform? Not to worry, we have places that are sure to keep you off of Cops.

10.) The Dryer: Here’s some good advice for the contortionist in your life. No one needs another drinking ticket and if the cops show up at your place you’re gonna need to think fast. Who’s gonna think to look in the dryer? Certainly not your mother (especially after that game of hide-and-go-seek went wrong when you were a child) and definitely not the cops. So hop in the dryer, overcome your PTSD, and avoid those fines.

How to Not Be a

Straight A-hole in Class Chaning Green Wrote This

On the list of things that don’t belong in a classroom setting, emus and assholes are pretty high on the list. And since the Great Bird Extermination of ‘98, the emu thing hasn’t really been a problem for over 15 years now. So the question now becomes how to get rid of the asshole problem. The solution is so simple you could read it in a Joel Osteen book.

Don’t be a jerk. That’s it. No tricks. But it’s pretty evident in almost any classroom you will ever be in that some people still need a guide, so here it is.

pretend you did the reading. If you have no idea what’s going on, it’s embarrassing and disrespectful to the teacher. Read the first page and then start off the discussion and let it continue on without you, but be careful with this. The teacher will most likely assume you read it all and might ask you to keep talking about it. There’s always someone in the class who actually does the reading though, so don’t stress too much.

The Teach Totally Knows When You’re on Your Phone:

Don’t hog the discussion. Congrats! You know the subject. Now be quiet and let us learn too. We care about Napoleon and his silly hats. Let us have a turn. Yes, we understand you’re on your eighteenth hour of an Adderall binge but so is 60 percent of the rest of the class. Take another bump or seven and fidget quietly.

Don’t text in class. We know this seems obvious, but you’ill be astounded at how hard it is to stay off your phone when you still have 45 minutes of class left and you just don’t want to be a person anymore. But resist the urge. Think of the children.

And the people behind you. We were once sitting behind this dude who was Snapchatting mean things about people’s hygiene and writing habits in the class. It was mighty distracting. So yeah.

Don’t do that.

Coming in the Back Door:

Also, try not to get stuck in the back of the class.

According to a very recent Harvard Study, being in the back row of a class makes you 86 percent more likely to be an asshole. You text, you Facebook, you Snapchat, you heckle the professor for his black shoes with that brown belt despite the fact that the leather is of an impeccable choice.

Be a Little Responsive:

Nothing drags like Faulkner, but be able to at least

But Not Too Responsive:

Totes Obvi:

Don’t be hella late. Rude.

And Super Important to Making a Good First Impression:

Use the correct prefixes and titles. We have seen teachers freak the eff out when you leave off the “Dr.” from their name. Which is understandable.

PhDs take a zillion years to do. Just Google your prof if you’re not sure which prefix to use.

That’s about it. Not hard. You don’t have to be a suck-up to not be a jerk in class. Teachers go easier on kids when they know their name and that they aren’t an asshole. Godspeed, plebs.

9.) A Bathtub: Let’s be honest, we’ve all had those nights curled up in the tub after a bottle of wine or two. Lock yourself in the bathroom with some vino and get the solo party started with some wine in a Solo. We all know that’s where you were gonna end up anyway.

8.) In a Cop Uniform: This is the only reason breakaway clothes were invented. We’re sure of it. You’ll feel like Clark Kent and look like Officer What’s-His-Nuts which is the perfect confidence-boosting combination that’s sure to get you laid. You’ll get to showcase your amazing acting skills and De Niro your way out of a ticket.

7.) In the Keg: Big kegs equal big, refreshing hiding places. Sure, their thick, metal walls seem impossible to penetrate but they said the same thing about that Christian cheerleader. Once you’re in, get snuggled up and stay there until the coppers leave. Find your center, become the booze.

6.) Pretend to Be a Statue: Think about it, who’s gonna arrest a statue? They’re heavy, smell like history, and are kind of useless to just have lying around. No one wants a weird statue kid in the back of a cop car anyway, trust us.

5.) Body Pillow: They’re called body pillows for a reason. These things are literally body-sized! Anyone can climb into a body pillow cover and meld themselves into the pillow. Don’t even act like it’s weird, you’ll avoid the cops and thank us later from your newfound pillow nest.

4.) Dirty Laundry Pile: When the fuzz walk in to the bedroom and see a pile of laundry on the floor they might be suspicious at first, but once they catch the scent of dirty gym socks and jizz rags, they won’t want to investigate any further. Sure you’ll be lying under piles of sweat and shame, but hey, it sure beats getting busted.

3.) In a Tree: Climbing trees while drunk and running away from the Po-Po is not only extremely dangerous and fun, but also incredibly cool. Wanna be a legend? Embrace your inner monkey.

2.) Under the Bed: Just hold your breath and be incredibly quiet. Right up until the officers get close to finding you, then just make scary noises and hope to God they’re afraid of the Boogeyman.

1.) Back of a Cop Car: It’s where they’ll least expect you to hide.

Black Sheep Staff wrote this

06

PARTY PICS

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS How does a Rebel properly celebrate the weekend?

Harrison, Sophomore

“In my opinion, a Rebel shouldn’t remember the majority of the weekend.”

Taylor, Senior

“Well, I like to read a good book.”

Hunter, Junior

“Without hesitation.”

07

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The Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

Happy Hour!

Monday-Friday 3-7pm: $1.50 16oz. PBR and Coors, $1 off all Drinks 21 Craft Beers on Tap

Thursday & Saturday Bottle Service!

Buy 2 Bottles, Get 1 Free!

Wednesday Ladies Night!

2-4-1 Skinny Bitch $2 Domestics

Happy Hour Monday thru Friday 4:00 to 7:00 pm $5 BIG BOY 32 oz Draft Beers $ 2 Domestic Bottle Beers 2 for 1 Well Drinks

THURSDAY

$3.00 Well Drinks $2.00 Coors 16oz Tall Boys

Bottle Service!

Buy 2 Bottles, Get 1 Free!

$4 Daquiries until 8pm* *non-home football weekends only Follow us on Twitter!

$3 Well Drinks, $$$ Shot specials 9pm to Close NEW “Coop on the Square Late Night” Coop DeVille menu now being served from 10pm till after close

FRIDAY

Find us on Facebook at facebook.com/ theblindpigoxford or follow us on Twitter!

Follow us on Instagram and Twitter (@oxfordcellar) for updates, pictures and more!

$2 Domestics until 8pm* *non-home football weekends only Follow us on Twitter!

$3 Mimosas and $5 Bloody Mary’s 11am till 4 pm $3 All Whiskey Drinks - 9pm till close New “Coop on the Square Late Night” Coop DeVille menu now being served from 10pm till after close

SATURDAY

Find us on Facebook at facebook.com/theblindpigoxford or follow us on Twitter!

Bottle Service!

Buy 2 Bottles, Get 1 Free!

Drink specials change weekly! *non home football weekends only Follow us on Twitter!

$3 Mimosas and $5 Bloody Mary’s-11am till 4 pm $2 Bud Light Bottles-9pm till close New “Coop on the Square Late Night” Coop DeVille menu now being served from 10pm till after close

SUNDAY

$2.50 Tall Boys, $3 Mimosas, $5 Bloody Marys

Open Sundays!

$4 Daiquiris Open at 11AM

OPEN FOR LUNCH 11:00-2:00

MONDAY

Monday Night Trivia, $2.00 Domestics

Ladies Night!

Half Off Specialty Martinis and Specialty Cocktails

$2 Domestics $4 Octones

1/2 Price Margaritas $$$ Shot Specials 9pm till close

TUESDAY

Tall Boy Tues $2

Tequila Tuesday!

Half Off Margaritas and Tequila

$4 Daiquiris $4 Wells

Trivia Night w/ Great Prizes - 9:30pm till Midnight, $2 Domestic Drafts - 9 till close New “Coop on the Square Late Night” Coop DeVille menu now being served from 10pm till after close

WEDNESDAY

$3.00 Pints, $5.00 Beer Flight Sampler 2 for 1 flights for ladies

Wine Wednesday!

Half Off Wine and Champagne

Ladies Night!

2-4-1 Skinny Bitch $2 Domestics

$3 “U-CALL-IT” Any drink in the house only $3 from 9 pm till close!

He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games then you could ever play.

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The Grid TUESDAY: $10 Burger & Bottomless Beer, $1 off all alcohol (3 - 8) 2-for-1 Wells & Shooters (8 - 12)

WEDNESDAY: 2 for $12 Nachos 2-4-1 Wells

Tuesday! Happy Hour! $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off Top Shelf Half Price Quesadillas, $2 House Wine

Wine Down Friday 2-4-1 Glasses of House Wine 1/2 off all Bottles

SPECIAL NIGHT

$5 Chicken Finger Basket & Fries, $1 off all alcohol (3 - 8) 2-for-1 Wells, Domestics & Shooters (8 - 10)

2 for $14 Quesadillas $1.25 Natty Light

Happy Hour! $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off Top Shelf Half Price Appetizers until 7pm, 2 for 1 Wells from 7-10:30pm

Thirsty Thursday 2-4-1 Wells, $2 Domestics

THURSDAY

2-for-1 Spicy Chicken Sandwiches, $1 off all alcohol (3 - 8)

Follow us on Twitter!

$8 Brew and Cue (BBQ Sandwich, Beer and Fries) Happy Hour! $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off Top Shelf

Wine Down Friday 2-4-1 Glasses of House Wine 1/2 off all Bottles

FRIDAY

HH - $1 off all alcohol (3 - 8)

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SATURDAY

Closed

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Follow Us on Twitter! @UClub_Oxford

SUNDAY

$0.25 Wings, $1 off all alcohol (3 - 8) $2 Pitchers (8 - 12)

2 for $14 Quesadillas $6 Pitchers

Happy Hour! $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off Top Shelf $6 Half Slab of Ribs, $3 Fireballs

Closed

MONDAY

$10 Burger & Bottomless Beer, $1 off all alcohol (3 - 8) 2-for-1 Wells & Shooters (8 - 12)

2 for $12 Jumbo Sandwich Plates $1.50 Bud Light Cans

Happy Hour! $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off Top Shelf Half Price Quesadillas, $2 House Wine

Follow us on Instagram! @OUC2014

TUESDAY

2-for-1 Appetizers & $3 Well Whiskey, $1 off all other alcohol (3 - 8) Welfare Wednesday! $2 Wells & $1 Drafts (8 - 11:15)

2 for $12 Nachos 2-4-1 Wells

Happy Hour! $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off Top Shelf 2 Sandwiches for $10, $3 Well Whiskey Drinks

Follow us on Facebook! @ OxfordUniversityClub

WEDNESDAY

the black sheep interviews:

mike Birbiglia Logan wrote this

Mike Birbiglia needs no introduction, the stand-up comedian and writer-director-star-of Sleepwalk With Me, is currently touring nationally.

the interview: mike birbiglia

TBS: Is it as good as the stained glass one?

Mike: Haha! I think it’s on the same level as the stained glass one; it’s in the ballpark for sure. Are you on Twitter right now?

TBS: Logging in as we speak.

Mike: Hahaha! If you’ve heard the story I did on “This American Life” about the creepy guy on the bus, it’s a little bit of an homage to that.

TBS: Oh the glory!

Mike: Isn’t that great?

TBS: Do you make these? Do you have your hand in it?

Mike: Well my brother Joe hires a bunch of designers; he is always on the lookout for like Rock ‘n’ roll poster designers, and specifically, ones that are local to where we are doing each show. This one is done by a guy named Barry Blankenship. But we have all sorts of different designers.

going to be a 100-city tour, so this is the biggest tour I’ve ever done.

TBS: DAMN. Mike: Yeah, I know! The crazy thing is I talked to my agent the other day and when all is said and done, we’re gonna have ended up playing 120 cities. So I am becoming the Katy Perry of comedy, which is an unexpected turn in my career.

TBS: What can you tell us about Orange is the New Black? Anything at all?

Mike: I can’t! I’m not allowed to say anything. All I can tell you is that I’m in it, but only because they’ve said that. Up until the other day I couldn’t even say that I was in it. Basically, I was living a lie –I would go to work and people would be like, “Where you going?” and I’d be like “Well, I can’t talk about it,” which made me feel like a criminal. So I can’t really say what it is but it has been super fun. Obviously it’s one of the best shows out there, and one of my favorite shows, so this is kind of a dream-come-true for me.

TBS: You have your self-produced Sleepwalk With Me, by which I mean it’s your brainchild.

Mike: I created it, yes: I willed it into being.

TBS: That is literally the Holy Grail of indie film for me…

Mike: Well thank you! That means so much to me!

TBS: I bring this up because I’m wondering if Orange is kind of you shifting gears into the more blockbuster roles that we all know you would kick ass at.

Mike: Hahaha! That is the most I’ve laughed at a question in an interview in a long time. I think it was that “we all” part of it because I’m not sure that even exists, haha! I think I’m still in that indieniche zone where not everyone knows who I am, which I am totally fine with. I like sort of being in that niche, but I don’t know. Maybe? I’m in Judd Apatow’s new movie that we filmed this summer. Judd Apatow and Amy Schumer made a movie together and I play Amy’s brother-inlaw, which is a super funny thing. It was just a blast to make. There’s Bill Hader, Amy Schumer, and actually John Cena is in it.

TBS: Is that the wrestler dude?

Mike: Exactly! Vanessa Bayer from SNL is in it too, who is super funny. LeBron James in it, which is just INSANE. Obviously this is very timely. I know that they

actually booked him to be in it before all of the insanity went down when he became sort of the hero of America.

TBS: Aside from this big-ass tour, do you have anything in line for directing again?

Mike: I am writing with plans to direct two feature films right now.

TBS: HALLELUJAH! Mike: Haha, this is the most exuberant interview that I’ve had where someone is as excited as I am for what I’m creating, so thank you for that.

TBS: Now are we looking at these coming out in the next year…or ten years?

Mike: I would say a year, but don’t quote me on that.

TBS: Oh, I’m going to quote you.

Mike: Haha, well don’t quote me while quoting me is what I should have said. I am hoping to have a movie out next fall.

TBS: Right on.

Mike: Also, If you here any background noise I am multitasking right now and doing my dishes. I’ve reached a point where there are so many dishes piled up above the non-existent line that is the top of the sink, if that makes any sense.

TBS: Oh, damn, I think the bus one may take the cake over the stained glass.

Mike: I know! It’s up there, for sure. The stained glass is certainly weird, and actually one of my friends pointed out on the stained glass poster that it’s arguable that I am pooping. I think that is a little liberal of an interpretation but…

TBS: You realize I’m in college right?

That makes perfect sense.

Mike: Yes, you’re not at that age, but at a certain point you have to have a little pride in your life and just lower the dishmountain below the line.

TBS: Hahaha! Well I wasn’t going to say anything, but people do talk…

Mike: Haha, people ARE talking yeah…

TBS: Do you have any unknown horror or glory stories you’re willing to share?

Mike: Well, I was thinking the other day actually about a photo that someone took of me being drunk at night, being pushed in a shopping-cart down a street in Washington DC. What troubled me most about it is that I don’t know who took the photo, I don’t know whose pushing the shopping cart, I don’t know where I am or what I’m doing, and all I can help thinking is what else happened that night?!

TBS: So you are going on tour starting pretty early in September, right?

Mike: Yes, I am going on tour, God, super soon. I’m playing Brooklyn next Friday night...man it’s that soon? Then I’m going to ten more cities: York, Dayton, Cleveland, Ann Arbor, Kalamazoo, Champaign, Indianapolis, St. Louis, Chicago, and Toronto. And in the middle of all that I’m shooting a role on Orange is the New Black. So I am just busy as hell right now.

TBS: Yes! You are going to be in Michigan for two dates, so I should be seeing you in Kalamazoo.

Mike: Oh yes! Kalamazoo is going to be an awesome show. Chris Gethard is opening the show, who is hilarious, brilliant, brilliant comedian who does a lot of stuff for UCB Theatre in New York, and is on Broad City where he plays Derek, and he just shot his own Comedy Central half-hour special too and it is really good.

TBS: When was the last time you were on tour?

Mike: The last tour was “My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend,” and that was like a 70-city tour over four countries, and this one is

TBS: Where did you go to college?

Mike: Yeah, I went to Georgetown.

TBS: Some thing’s are just better left unknown.

Mike: Yes, sadly so.

TBS: Since you’ve had your hand in writing, comedy, directing, producing, acting; or basically just every aspect of life…what would you say is harder: directing or comedy?

Mike: Directing, and even more so directing comedy. It’s so hard because it has so much to do with timing. You could get away with doing certain things in drama where the timing isn’t quite right, where people may say it was an artistic choice or something. But in comedy, if it isn’t working then you just won’t get a laugh.

Then the people will say that it’s just not

funny. There’s just not a lot of leeway in film comedy, so I think that directing film comedy is the hardest thing you can do.

That’s part of the reason people revere Judd Apatow for that.

TBS: When does the “Thank God for Jokes” tour end?

Mike: I’m not sure. I’m doing 100 cities this year, then I’m gonna shoot a film that hopefully will come out in the fall, then I’ll probably do a few more cities with this show, and then film that as a special which will probably come out in 2015 or 2016. It’s so weird these numbers we’re talking about as far as years.

What year were you born in?

TBS: ‘92 Mike: See that’s reasonable. I was born in ’78 so when we start talking about 2014, 2015, 2016; it’s just crazy. When I was a kid we were talking about what was going to happen in the year 2000 and how different the world is going to be. Now we’re living in ’14, and it’s unthinkable.

TBS: When you were…

Mike: On a side-note to keep you updated on the dishes thing –I’ve gotten the mountain down, and now it’s got that crazy sludge water effect and now I’m trying to get the sludge-pond, if you will, so that the sludge gets down into the receptor so I can actually pull the sludge out and throw it into the garbage.

TBS: Godspeed man.

Mike: Yes; that is the status-report on my kitchen. Please go on with the question.

TBS: When you made Sleepwalk With Me, did you always know it would be you starring in it? Or were you thinking of casting like, Zach Braff or something?

Mike: Wow, well not him specifically, but it did crossed my mind, like, “Oh, I guess it will be Jimmy Fallon being me.” You know, someone who is better looking and more talented, but it was a little bit like a Sylvester Stallone and Rocky situation where I wrote this script, I’m producing the movie, I think I’ll just play this part, because no one would ever cast me in this part so I will hold out. By the way, that’s probably where the Sylvester Stallone comparison probably ends.

TBS: If you couldn’t be an entertainer of some kind, what would you be?

Mike: I think I always wanted to be a comedian, a rapper, or the owner of a pizza restaurant where third graders could hangout –those were my goals –or maybe a poet or teacher. Yeah, probably an English teacher is where I would have landed.

TBS: Well we here can’t imagine you doing anything else, that’s for damn sure.

Mike: Well good, haha, thank you. Well, I have to run and finish writing these movies. the interview: mike birbiglia

TBS: So, what is up? Where are you right now?

Mike: I am in Brooklyn, where I live, and am just about to tweet the official Brooklyn tour poster. Don’t know if you’re on Twitter, but it’s pretty cool. It is one of my favorites of the tour posters.

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BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single

Mix two animals to make your own spirit animal: Teacup pig and butterfly

Major: Communications

Where have those hands been, missy?: The pecs.

Favorite Drink: Hendrick’s and soda Favorite Shot: Patron

LENA of LAMAR LOUNGE WE

Disgusting Drink: Sweet wine

Given the opportunity to abolish the existence of one clothing item, what do you choose?: Crop tops.

What’s the last drink you had to learn how to make?: LAMARgarita

What old-timely slang word do you want to bring back to the mainstream?: “Mosey”

How do you make it?: Tequila, Cointreau, lime, lemon, simple syrup

What sex position most saliently describes the current geopolitical landscape?: Reverse Cowgirl

If you had to go down a Slip ‘N Slide lubed with any liquor, what liquor would you choose and why?: Jello Shots. Jello would feel good on a Slip N’ Slide.

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: To keep their finger on the pulse of the college world .

ER!

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THE BACK TO SCHOOL MADLIB The alarm on your phone sounds the same, but the sun is in the wrong side of the sky—you’re used to waking up at __1__p.m., just in time to begin sipping __2__ with the __3__ back home.

No more, though, you roll out of bed, throw on whatever doesn’t smell like __4__and head out for the first class of the new semester. It’s __5__, right? No, wait, is it __6__? And where the hell is __7__? You’ve been here __8__ years and you’ve never heard of the place.

And then, yeah, of course the line for coffee at __9__ is as long as a __10__. Waiting for your __11__, you see __12__, who you used to bang, but totally didn’t call before you unceremoniously left town last spring. You stealthily duck behind a guy wearing a __13__and you go unseen, you glorious bastard.

Finally at __14__, you search frantically for Room 225, which, of course is not on the second floor. Stumbling in, smelly, late and hate-filled, you realize that this isn’t __15__ at all, it’s __16__. You stand stunned. Did, you…uh… sign up for this class? The professor stares at you, __17__.

Whether this is your class or not, you __18__take a seat in the front row. Sipping your beverage, you silently admit to yourself it’s going to be a long semester.

CLUE BANK 1) Time 2) Delicious summer beverage 3) Slang for “friends” 4) Gross-smelling thing 5) Class you’re taking 6) Another class you’re taking 7) Academic building 8) Number 9) Favorite campus coffee place 10) Long thing 11) Coffee order 12) Person 13) Silly kind of hat 14) Same as 7 15) Same as 6 16) Bad class to take 17) Emotion 18) Embarrassed adverb

Power Moves for Frat Rush Justin Ewing wrote this

Welcome to Ole Miss, kid. You’re gonna go far. You come to campus a little raw, no doubt full of potential, though. Try not to be overly excited about all the pretty girls you’ll meet and the beers you’ll drink.

Showing anything other than apathy is a surefire way blow it all, right when it’s at your fingertips.

We know you can feel the dad body coming on already, but there’s business to attend to. We need to get you into the fraternity of your dreams. Follow our frat veteran’s instructions and you’ll get asked back to every house on campus. Think of all the free lunches and booze to be fondly poured down your throat.

We need complete focus. Seriously though, Sig Ep will be pissed they aren’t on campus to bid you up.

First, you have to dress the part. Well-dressed people get away with murder, and stealing the last beer in the cooler. If you harassed your parents for Vineyard Vines and Southern Tide before college-- like you should have-- you’ll be alright. If you didn’t then it’s an uphill battle for you. Pull out some Hawaiian shirts and shorts so people can know that you party, maybe an OldRow t-shirt if you’re really shooting for the stars. Varsity jackets will also earn you a fair share of attention, whether it’s good or bad is still up for debate.

Next, we’ve got to train you on approaching each house. This is easy, just follow everything that people tell you and remember that stereotypes are completely true. If you aren’t familiar, get on Yik Yak and you’ll get up to speed in no time.

Tell the brothers of the house of your dreams your particular and very exact needs and demands, the things that must be met before you even consider accepting a bid from their house, preferably as soon as you walk in the door. Then proceed to butt-chug their bottle of liquor and break stuff because that’s what happens in Animal House, which of course is your favorite movie and you totally live by that.

When talking with the brothers, just say whatever comes to mind. Maybe you were the starting QB and won state, maybe you didn’t. It really isn’t important as long as you can sell the lie, they’ll be too busy daydreaming about all the intramural championships you’re gonna win them to actually Google and

find out you never even started a game.

The truth is quite possibly the least important thing when attempting to join a frat. We’re talk non-stop lies. What was your best job? Donald Trump’s personal assistant, but really the gig was more like Trump’s best friend. Most bangin’ dime you ever bagged? This weirdo of a biddy, Megan Fox. Perhaps they’ve heard of her.

Whatever you do, remember you only rush once; take advantage of every opportunity afforded you.

You’re going to make some great friends that you will tear up this campus with. Be sure to thank us when you accept that bid to your dream house, because we all know if it weren’t for our sound advice you’d be doing something hella GDI, like shopping for cargos. Welcome to the big leagues, brother.

15

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