Volume 7
The Black Sheep
FRE E! AT T LIKE M HE END ELT Y J OF ELL-O A TA ILG SHOTS ATE .
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 2
Ole Miss Parking Meter Hacks Chaning Green wrote this Last month, the City of Oxford activated the first parking meters that have been used on the Square in over forty years. The new parking meters have been generally well-received among Oxford’s citizens, including Oxford’s young and perpetually intoxicated student population. Tolerance of these coin-operated invaders is suspected to be largely due to the fact that the new parking meters have so many cutting-edge features that any 21-year-old Ole Miss student would absolutely adore. We’ve reached out to several tech experts, frat boys, high functioning alcoholics, and one young Swedish lad inexplicably named DeMarco to bring you the latest parking meter “hacks.” First off, did you know that the parking meters can also be used as a breathalyzer? Just lick the display screen and it calculates your blood alcohol content by analyzing whether or not you just licked a parking meter with the expectation of it benefiting you or the parking meter in any way. The new parking meters can also be used as a stabilizer for you to hold on to with all your might as your consciousness tries to leave your body for a higher plane of existence while you look up and whisper into the unforgiving abyss “too turnt.” They can also act as emotional support when you just need someone to talk to. The parking meters across from Pita Pit can confirm that Jenny is totally a two-faced twat-muffin because she slept with Ryan even though she knew the entire freaking time that you liked Ryan ever since he told you that you “were way too cute to ever have to worry about cellulite.” While you’re huddled behind some rando’s red Jeep puking your panties out, the new parking meters have been known to play the soothing tones of Jimmy Buffet. Let Jimmy take you away. Let him drown out the voice of your mother screaming in your head that you can’t handle college and that you’re doomed to become a dropout housewife just like your cousin Bridgett. Don’t you hate when you puke and people are all like “oh em gee, don’t kiss me! You smell like puke!”? Well, with the new parking meters, this is now an issue only for the plebes. And you are no plebe. All parking meters have at least one gently used piece of Trident Melon Twist bubble gum attached to them somewhere. Your breath will smell like you just ate out Mother Nature. So go find that IMC freshman that talks too much and touch tonsil parts.
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The parking meters do not charge fees on Sundays, but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t operational. If you mosey down to the Square between the hours of 11 a.m. and 1 p.m., you are likely to find dozens of nicely dressed children tied to the parking meters. Turns out, even parents don’t want screaming snot monsters in their restaurants when they are trying to let the good Lord’s message sink into their hearts as Soulshine’s pizza grease
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sinks into their arteries. So, anytime you hear someone even try to bitch and moan about the new parking meters on the Square, show them this handy guide. Also, remind them that these possessive little street cocks are doing immeasurable good for our local economy.
PAGES 10-11
GROVE ATTIRE 101
TOP 10: WAYS TO DE-STRESS
THE A.P. RE-TEST CHALLENGE
WE HELP YOU WITH THE HARDEST DECISION OF GAME DAY.
PICK UP WHITTLING OR JUST REBEL AGAINST AUTHORITY, THE CHOICE IS YOURS.
ONE COLLEGE SENIOR PUT UP AND SHUT UP WHILE RETAKING A HISTORY A.P. TEST. HOW DO YOU THINK YOU’D DO?
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SEPTEMBER 18th, 2014 - OCTOBER 1st, 2014
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