Ole Miss - Issue 2 - 9/18/2014 by The Black Sheep

Volume 7

The Black Sheep

FRE E! AT T LIKE M HE END ELT Y J OF ELL-O A TA ILG SHOTS ATE .

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Issue 2

Ole Miss Parking Meter Hacks Chaning Green wrote this Last month, the City of Oxford activated the first parking meters that have been used on the Square in over forty years. The new parking meters have been generally well-received among Oxford’s citizens, including Oxford’s young and perpetually intoxicated student population. Tolerance of these coin-operated invaders is suspected to be largely due to the fact that the new parking meters have so many cutting-edge features that any 21-year-old Ole Miss student would absolutely adore. We’ve reached out to several tech experts, frat boys, high functioning alcoholics, and one young Swedish lad inexplicably named DeMarco to bring you the latest parking meter “hacks.” First off, did you know that the parking meters can also be used as a breathalyzer? Just lick the display screen and it calculates your blood alcohol content by analyzing whether or not you just licked a parking meter with the expectation of it benefiting you or the parking meter in any way. The new parking meters can also be used as a stabilizer for you to hold on to with all your might as your consciousness tries to leave your body for a higher plane of existence while you look up and whisper into the unforgiving abyss “too turnt.” They can also act as emotional support when you just need someone to talk to. The parking meters across from Pita Pit can confirm that Jenny is totally a two-faced twat-muffin because she slept with Ryan even though she knew the entire freaking time that you liked Ryan ever since he told you that you “were way too cute to ever have to worry about cellulite.” While you’re huddled behind some rando’s red Jeep puking your panties out, the new parking meters have been known to play the soothing tones of Jimmy Buffet. Let Jimmy take you away. Let him drown out the voice of your mother screaming in your head that you can’t handle college and that you’re doomed to become a dropout housewife just like your cousin Bridgett. Don’t you hate when you puke and people are all like “oh em gee, don’t kiss me! You smell like puke!”? Well, with the new parking meters, this is now an issue only for the plebes. And you are no plebe. All parking meters have at least one gently used piece of Trident Melon Twist bubble gum attached to them somewhere. Your breath will smell like you just ate out Mother Nature. So go find that IMC freshman that talks too much and touch tonsil parts.

PAGE 5

The parking meters do not charge fees on Sundays, but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t operational. If you mosey down to the Square between the hours of 11 a.m. and 1 p.m., you are likely to find dozens of nicely dressed children tied to the parking meters. Turns out, even parents don’t want screaming snot monsters in their restaurants when they are trying to let the good Lord’s message sink into their hearts as Soulshine’s pizza grease

PAGE 6

sinks into their arteries. So, anytime you hear someone even try to bitch and moan about the new parking meters on the Square, show them this handy guide. Also, remind them that these possessive little street cocks are doing immeasurable good for our local economy.

PAGES 10-11

GROVE ATTIRE 101

TOP 10: WAYS TO DE-STRESS

THE A.P. RE-TEST CHALLENGE

WE HELP YOU WITH THE HARDEST DECISION OF GAME DAY.

PICK UP WHITTLING OR JUST REBEL AGAINST AUTHORITY, THE CHOICE IS YOURS.

ONE COLLEGE SENIOR PUT UP AND SHUT UP WHILE RETAKING A HISTORY A.P. TEST. HOW DO YOU THINK YOU’D DO?

SEPTEMBER 18th, 2014 - OCTOBER 1st, 2014

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WORD of the WEEK

CATAPPALLED To be so offended by something, one is forced to launch oneself into a stranger’s conversation. Ziev was so catappalled at the discussion between two Holocaust deniers, he couldn’t help but angrily approach them.

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Started heavy metal band Body Count.

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Masturbation Schedule Now Enforced in Crosby Hall Black Sheep Staff Wrote This After years of awkward knocks, confusing thumping noises, and embarrassing interruptions, Crosby Hall officials have installed a mandatory masturbation schedule for new roommates. The schedule is meant to alleviate the all-toofamiliar stress of walking in on your roommate while he or she is “spanking the monkey.” According to Barbara Hannick, head administrator of the dorm, the new ruling has been in development for years. “We’ve been working with the school for the past five months trying to find an effective way to administrate this problem. Biologists, life coaches, and pornographers have all been called in for their expertise.” This problem is known to all freshmen. How does one touch themselves without

having their roommate see them? However, now thanks to Crosby Hall’s Masturbation Schedule it doesn’t have to be. The schedule works by both examining the free time roommates share each semester and how long they spend in class. After student registration, a crack team of counselors works on building a schedule for every group of roommates, and by the move-in date the schedule is posted on the door. Stories like Belinda Johnson’s and Elvis McGanian’s have forced Barbra to act on their behalf. “My roommate would run in and out at random times. I would ask him when he’d be coming back and he would always respond ‘oh, whenever,’ ” said Elvis, a senior at Ole Miss. After months of waiting he decided to take the risk. “He was in class, I thought I would have

the room to myself for the hour, I only needed about five minutes anyhow. Since it had been so long I decided to go all out. Light some candles, buy an actual DVD, I even got satin sheets for the occasion.” That’s when tragedy struck. “He walked in on minute four and I didn’t know what to do.” Elvis panicked and jumped off his bed. Elvis and his roommate shared bunk beds and because of his smooth sheets he fell incorrectly, landing directly on his manhood. “They call it the reverse pole vault. Happens all the time, apparently.” It’s true, injuries like this aren’t uncommon in the dorms; two in five students will hurt themselves because of masturbation-related incidents like this every semester. The same day, Belinda Johnson,

also a senior, shared a room with a girl whose name will not be disclosed. “My parents were very strict with me as a child. They said if I ever did anything that my roommate did, I would go straight to HECK.” Boring and true to her word, Belinda never did anything in her dorm room that year. This, however, was not true for her roommate. “She had brought it up a few times and I always said ‘I’m not letting you go to Heck, no I’m not.’” The relationship the two shared quickly became strained because of this. “It was October 5th when it happened.” That evening Belinda’s

roommate reportedly snapped. “She just started screaming, ripped the face of Zac Efron off of my High School Musical 3 poster and wrote herself a one way ticket to Heck.” Belinda panicked, and quickly ran out of her room to seek refuge in the room across the hall. Unfortunately that room belonged to Elvis and she walked in right in the middle of his reverse pole vault. “His pants were down and he was screaming, his roommate

was screaming, everyone was screaming!” Belinda now lives off campus, very far off campus. Barbra believes that with the new mechanics of the Masturbation Schedule, problems like this will never arise again. Things like timed locks, doorbells, and the mandatory removal of any Zac Efron poster will help the school avoid these problems in the future.

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Grove Attire 101 @AxeTreeFallMan wrote this

Everyone knows that The Grove is the place to be on game day. Not only is it the number-one drinking capital in the world, but it’s also full of different personalities coming together to get hammered for a common love: the Rebs. Now you have your liquor picked out, but have you decided on what you’re going to wear yet? It’s obviously the hardest choice of game day, but have no fear, The Black Sheep is here to help you understand what your outfit says about you while Grovin’ it up. Shorts (Are a Big No-No): If you’re a man wearing shorts in the grove you had better be so rich that your knees need to breathe, otherwise you’re going to look like an eleven year old. Everyone knows that it’s hot, but you do you think Dexter McCluster is walkin’ around in shorty-shorts complaining about how hot it is? The fact is: men wear pants. Underage students drinking in the grove had better not be wearing shorts unless they’re really craving an M.I.P.. Bow Tie (No Better Than No Tie): People who wear bow ties want to appear more successful than they really are. Bowties pair well with cigars and people who pretend to know things about cigars. Also, everyone knows that bowties are impossible to tie, so if you’re wearing one that means one of two things: either you’re wearing a clip-on or you had to get someone to tie it for you, either way, no bid for you. Cowboy Boots (Are Made for Walkin’ Away From): Watch out for these guys and gals. Grovers in cowboy boots are there to do two things: drink whiskey, and make you drink whiskey. It takes a certain kind of person to pull off such a rigid,

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uncomfortable shoe and that person probably is an alcoholic. It is a 100% fact that every single Hotty Toddy chant that has ever been started was started by a person in cowboy boots. Romper (Romp Her): Our The Black Sheep Grove Fashion Experts agree that in most cases, the girl in the romper is the loudest and the most hammered of the drinkin’ bunch. Something about a romper screams “vodka-Diet Coke” and, ladies, if that is your drink of choice in The Grove, you have just hit rock bottom. Face Tattoos (Not Like Lil’ Wayne): One: “She’s quirky.” Two: “She must really love her team.” Three: “She shouldn’t drive home.” Those Pants with the Emblems Dotted Everywhere (Thanks Mom!): We’ve seen them with Colonel Rebs on them. We’ve seen them with little Dixie Flags on them. Hell, we’ve seen some with Archie Manning’s face on them. No matter what emblem you choose, only one thing that is for sure: your mother bought those for you. No grown ass-man would seek out a pair of these legitimate clown pants that look like a drunk embroidery machine busted a load all over them. Remember lads and lasses, your Grove outfit says a lot about you and about our school. We might be the drunks of the SEC, but we’re the best dressed drunks of the SEC. Put a lot of thought into it, because the Rebs are putting a lot of thought into their game. Support your rebs by not looking like a dipshit at The Grove this season.

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TAILGATING BASICS

THE TOP TEN Ways to De-Stress With the semester moving into full swing, your heavy course load is surely starting to weigh you down. With that comes some serious stress that, if not checked, could cause you to go absolutely insane and start pooping on stuff that shouldn’t be popped on. Y’know, like puppies. Don’t poop on puppies. 10.) Whittling: There’s nothing like sitting down with a nice block of cedar and slowly transforming it into a perfect replica of your bio-chemistry professor and getting all the details just right, even down to his lazy eye. For extra fun, make one for all of your professors before throwing them into a raging fire. The whittled pieces of wood, not the actual professors. 9.) Become a Kingpin: Oxford is just begging for their own Scarface. Think of all the fun you could have rolling around on a bed made entirely of drug money. Really, how could you ever be happier than frolicking through your backyard with three supermodels and a fucking ocelot? 8.) Knitting: Knitting is an age-old craft that has, for years, kept the elderly entertained as they slowly approach their ascent to the great salad bar in the sky. Surely if it can tame the minds of the terminally ill, it can ease some of your stress over next week when you have eight tests in five classes.

Arming Yourself For the Grove Knowlton Bourne wrote this

As Grove season returns to Ole Miss, so does the age old question regarding Ole Miss’ famous tailgating tradition: what alcoholic beverage are you going to celebrate the Rebs with? Will you take a modernist’s approach and go for a LimeA-Rita? Perhaps the opposite and carry a cask of mead with which to fill your flagon. Maybe you’ll just say “damn the man” and bring in a gallon jug of moonshine. Attacking this question head on is like asking which Die Hard movie is the best; at the end of the day, Bruce Willis’ performance is top-notch throughout the entire franchise, but there can only be one favorite. To ensure that readers are picking the truest of beverages to sit on the metaphorical Iron Throne of drunkenness, The Black Sheep has approached this question from a multitude of angles. The Rookie Choice: When coming to college, there are two initial instincts in the department of drinking: get as hammered as possible and finding something that doesn’t taste like stale urine. Some rudimentary drinkers will go with the first instinct and drown themselves in a pool of cheap Evan Williams and Bud Light. Although the Marlboro Man can drink this way on a daily basis, most freshmen generally cannot. This group of party-hungry beginners will most likely find themselves face down in a pool of vomit before kickoff. The Senior Choice: By this point in your college career, you’ve been there and done that. Make no mistake, The Grove is still your number one priority in life, but shaking hands with alumni and actually watching the whole game is ideal.

This Grove drinker will typically have a nicer beer or mixed drink in hand at all times. Choosing a beverage with less water content helps sooth the palette and shows your wisdom and experience in the drinking department. The Srat Choice: This group of fancy, feminine drinkers takes the delicious drink route; chockfull of hard ciders, lemonades, and anything that looks like the Kool-Aid man created it from his own sugary blood. This choice generally fosters early onset diabetes, a mouth full of cavities, and a hangover that will make you doubt the existence of anything and everything that isn’t your bed and a bottle of Ibuprofen. The Alumni/Parent Choice: On game day, you can’t throw a rock without hitting a boozed up parent or alumni. These folks are either reveling in their long lost college days or watching their generous alumni donations being spent on what seems to be a lack of parking spots for students and faculty. Typically, these bored housewives and businessmen don’t have the time to drink fortyfive Natural Lights just to catch a buzz; instead this group gets juiced up quick with quality material: Crown Royal, Grey Goose, screwdrivers, and the classic bloody mary. On occasion this faction can also be seen drinking Michelob Ultras and white wine—gotta watch that weight. There are a plethora of choices when it comes to alcohol in The Grove. Be sure to make like Indiana Jones and choose wisely, otherwise your game day might end up being more of a bust than Julius Cesar’s oversized head carved in stone.

7.) Rebel Against Authority: Nothing eases your mind more than raging against the totalitarian machine. Call your brothers and sisters to battle and leave in your wake nothing but destruction and poorly conceived solutions to national problems. The cops might show up, but that’s not gonna stop you. That just means it’s time to bring out the explosives. 6.) Take a Peaceful Walk: We have a beautiful campus that is impeccably maintained by our grounds team. Everywhere you go there are flower beds with the most delightful aromas. If you get a little tuckered out, just take a nap in the shady Grove or literally anywhere else on this campus of comfort. 5.) Slowly Destroy the Sanity of Strangers: Ever been sitting in the union or at the library and notice that people will walk away with all of their things left right out in the open for all to make mischief with? When they leave, sneak over and rearrange their belongings. You can be subtle with it, leave them in the shape of a penis, or both! 4.) Join a Club: There are a ton of options on campus for extracurriculars. Literally everyone from fans of Latin to anime enthusiasts have something to choose from. Spending quality time around like-minded individuals is sure to take those homicidal thoughts right out of your otherwise pure-hearted mind. 3.) Steal Things: We’re not saying you should steal the entire contents of Vaught-Hemingway Stadium’s concession stands, but how good do you think it would feel to walk away with a few hundred dollars worth of snacks? Maybe slowly steal the philosophy building brick by brick until it is perfectly reassembled in a secret clearing at Sardis? We’re just spit balling here; you can really take this idea and run with it. 2.) Join a Team: We’ve got some real ballin’ teams here at Ole Miss. From shooting rifles to slapping pucks, however you like to physically relieve yourself from energy in a competitive and cooperative setting, you should be covered. Not cricket though, the queen can keep her “tea and crumpets” bullshit. 1.) Become a Collector: For many, social settings can be just as stressful as any test. So if that’s your case, just start collecting. Anything you want: stuffed bears, trading cards, the still warm bones of small rodents, whatever works really. Sure, you might be judged as a hoarder, but you’re the one living stress free.

Barney Thompson wrote this

PARTY PICS

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS What was the last regrettable purchase you made? Matthew, Senior

“I bought a stereo system for my car. Then my car broke down the next day.”

Chrissy, Freshman

“I bought a really cool Times Square poster but it’s regrettable because I paid $30 for it!”

Nekkita, Freshman

“Last night I went to McDonald’s and bought a Snack Wrap that tasted like a corn dog! Waste of my money.”

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SUNDAY

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MONDAY

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TUESDAY

Tall Boy Tues $2

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WEDNESDAY

$3.00 Pints, $5.00 Beer Flight Sampler 2 for 1 flights for ladies

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The Grid TUESDAY: $10 Burger & Bottomless Beer, $1 off all alcohol (3 - 8) 2-for-1 Wells & Shooters (8 - 12)

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SPECIAL NIGHT

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THURSDAY

2-for-1 Spicy Chicken Sandwiches, $1 off all alcohol (3 - 8)

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SATURDAY

Closed

SUNDAY

$0.25 Wings, $1 off all alcohol (3 - 8) $2 Pitchers (8 - 12)

2 for $14 Quesadillas $6 Pitchers

Happy Hour! $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off Top Shelf $6 Half Slab of Ribs, $3 Fireballs

Closed

MONDAY

$10 Burger & Bottomless Beer, $1 off all alcohol (3 - 8) 2-for-1 Wells & Shooters (8 - 12)

2 for $12 Jumbo Sandwich Plates $1.50 Bud Light Cans

Happy Hour! $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off Top Shelf Half Price Quesadillas, $2 House Wine

TUESDAY

2-for-1 Appetizers & $3 Well Whiskey, $1 off all other alcohol (3 - 8) Welfare Wednesday! $2 Wells & $1 Drafts (8 - 11:15)

2 for $12 Nachos 2-4-1 Wells

Happy Hour! $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off Top Shelf 2 Sandwiches for $10, $3 Well Whiskey Drinks

WEDNESDAY

Many of us took A.P. exams in high school. It was an awful experience that we have only recently recovered from. But did anyone actually learn anything in these courses? And would you remember the material now if you had to take it again?

THE A.P. RE-TEST CHALLENGE DAN COLLINS WROTE THIS

With the use of Learnerator.com, I, a senior in college and member of The Black Sheep, will take a practice test for the A.P. U.S. History exam. I took this same exam five years ago as a junior in high school, so weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll see if my rapidly-deteriorating brain has retained anything.

THE A.P. RE-TEST CHALLENGE

MY EXPECTATION:

I won’t retain anything. I’ll come out of this test on top of my shield, having been devoured and impaled on a Draconian spike.

Keep in my mind: This A.P. exam is broken into two parts, but, as I do not have a certified A.P. grader with me, I will only be attempting the first part, which is 80 multiple choice questions with a time limit of 55 minutes. I assume high school students aren’t allowed to listen to music while they take their test, but that simply isn’t happening, as I would like for my sanity to remain intact. In 2013, in order to receive a 5 on this test, you needed to correctly answer 61% of the questions. I will be recording some of my thoughts as I go along.

22 Questions in: Who in the hell is Ida B. Wells?

Pre Test: I feel pretty good. I got a 5 on this test in high school and now I’m older and wis—well definitely older. Sure, I don’t really feel like I’ve learned much in college, and drinking supposedly kills tons of brain cells, but I can’t be dumber than the kids who lowered the curve to the point that a 61% merits a 5. Kids these days are so dumb. That’s probably why standardized tests keep getting easier every year. I’m a little bit nervous, but that’s normal before you take a test that has absolutely no bearing on your life at all. 5 Questions In: Disregard everything I said before. This is completely unfair. The high school kids who took this test had a whole year of the class to prepare for it and I haven’t taken a single U.S. History class in college. Plus, they have evolution on their side. How am I supposed to compete with these genetically engineered superbeings when I’m just a normal person? That’s like the first scene in Troy where Brad Pitt kills that huge guy, but instead of a huge guy, I’m just some dope.

33 Questions in: I’m close to halfway and I have answered, at most, five questions with confidence. I don’t know what happened. I used to be smart (sort of ). At the time I took this test, I was probably as smart as I’ll ever be. That was the high point of my life; the peak. It’s all downhill from here. Now I know how Alex Moran felt in that one episode of Blue Mountain State. What happened to me? Well, I started drinking much more heavily after high school. That can’t have helped. I guess doing the bare minimum to pass classes in college isn’t making me any smarter. 61% seems like it would be a miracle at this point. 37 Questions in: I quit. 50 Questions In: This is an absolute nightmare. I’m so stupid, it’s pathetic. I’m practically answering at random right now. I need to do a Billy Madison or something. Two weeks in each grade. Easy. He seemed to have a really good time with it. And if I could find a Veronica Vaughn for myself, my life would be perfect. That movie was awesome. I wonder what actor played the giant penguin. Do you think he mentions that at parties when he meets people and they ask him what he does? I’ll see if IMDb says anything about it. Shit, I have to get back to the test. I guess my knowledge of 19th century Supreme Court Cases has proven inadequate. 14 Questions In: This doesn’t even resemble the test I took five years ago. It’s all quotes from old, racist documents and equally racist maps. There hasn’t been any factual information at all yet. And why is there so much about Spanish settlement in Mexico and South America? That’s not even U.S. History! This test is a ruse to make me look dumb, and it’s working. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt any dumber than I do right now. Well, maybe that time I got caught trying to steal condoms because I was too embarrassed to buy them in high school. It was fine, though, I didn’t need them then, but I think I need one now because this test is buttfucking me. 15 Questions In: A poem! Are you fucking kidding me? This is supposed to be a history test.

QUESTIONS ANSWERED 80

52 Questions In: What am I thinking? That could never work. They would never let Billy Madison happen today. A grown man in an elementary school would never be allowed. The movie wouldn’t even work because everyone would assume he was a pedophile and ruin it. Add that to the list of things that pedophiles ruined for all of us, like being able to use the bathroom at an elementary school, or going to your little sister’s soccer game alone, or becoming an ice cream man. Assholes. Why doesn’t the ice cream man do business in college towns? I bet they’d make a killing. 76 Questions In: I can see it. The finish line. It’s waiting there for me…and it’s glorious. Now I know how Harold and Kumar felt when they finally got within four multiple-choice questions of White Castle, but I’m far less high. When I finish this exam, I’m going to call my girlfriend and tell her I love her. Well, I don’t have a girlfriend, but maybe I’ll tell some random girl I walk by that I love her. People love it when you do that.

QUESTIONS ANSWERED CORRECTLY 42

ACCURANCY % 52

THE RESULTS:

POST-TEST:

I answered 42 of the 80 questions correctly, falling 7 short of my goal of 61%. In a way, I was right; I am embarrassed to tell you my score. It almost makes up for the fact that I am a moron who peaked at 17. But yeah, the test was really difficult. I feel like I just got taken behind a shed and deloused. I always thought my seventh grade English teacher was wrong when she told me I was lazy and would never amount to anything, but it turns out she was spot on. Maybe I should call her and apologize for egging her house so many times. Maybe with enough therapy I can convince myself that it’s because of what she said that I ended up offering sexual favors in exchange for drugs, because that seems to be where I’m headed. I’m practically sprinting there.

I think I have ADD. Did you see how many times I got sidetracked? Maybe if I show this to a doctor, he’ll prescribe me Adderall. It’s like steroids, but for your brain. I can’t wait to start selling th… I mean taking them, so as to cure my horrible attention deficit disorder. Wow, the American education system has really let me down.

THE A.P. RE-TEST CHALLENGE

WHEREVER YOU NEED TO GO,

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BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single Favorite shot: Banana Wafer shot Disgusting Drink: Any kind of whiskey, especially Fireball Best part of the renovation?: Our staff and the martinis Steve Jobs’ corpse and Bill Gates walk in to The Cellar, who do you serve first?: I serve them both at the same time. What really killed Kurt Cobain?: Living the life of a rock star How do you feel about the Illuminati’s most recent brainwashing attempt disguised as a 12day Simpsons marathon?: The Simpsons are always great so it can’t be that bad What’s the drink you gotta get here?: Cinderella 99( Stoli Razz, Grand Marnier, cranberry, pineapple, fresh lime juice, topped with champagne) Mecha-Hitler launches an attack on The Square. How do you defend the masses?: I would go karate-style on his ass.

MEGAN of THE CELLAR

Why should people come to The Cellar now?: New atmosphere, good times, and I’m here! Why Should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it is one of the most fascinating papers out!

THE DRINKING GAME SHOT FOR ARREST It’s a shame to let the recent surge of NFL scandals and player arrests go to waste. After all, it’s the illegal activity of the NFL that can bring football fans and people who watch football solely for the commercials together. What You’ll Need: A handle and corrupt NFL players. Good news: There’s an abundance of both! Number of Players: As many as you can fit in your living room to watch the game on Sunday afternoon. Level of Intoxication: You’ll be wishing football was outlawed in the United States. How to Play: Drink when: - A player’s actions make you want to hold your child tight. - A player’s crimes make you want to hold your partner tight. - TMZ says they have exclusive footage of wrongdoings that you should be repulsed by, but you stream during class anyway. - You wonder if football players keep football helmets in their cars now to show cops who they are when they get pulled over for drugs and alcohol. - A player spikes a football on the turf for a touchdown and you find yourself relieved that it’s not someone’s face. - USA Today creates a database of all the arrests of NFL players in the 2000s. (This actually exists.) - The names of football teams start to sound too domineering when you replace “-er” with “-her.” Examples: Raidhers, Steelhers, Packhers. The Game Ends When: Football season ends and you’re happy to see happy-go-lucky comradery during baseball season.

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RECIPE FOR DISASTER YUM GUM Have you ever been stuck in lecture and had the most terrible taste in your mouth but no gum? Only five minutes earlier, your hand accidentally slid over a piece of dried gum under your desk. You think to yourself, “That would work, but I bet it’s pretty stale by now.” Make that ABC gum turn into YUM gum with a few quick tricks: What You’ll Need: Old gum stuck under a desk, stuck to the sidewalk, or stuck to some other stationary object in a public space, sprinkles, as well as regular and sour Skittles. Fatty Factor: Zero calories, unless you’re a gum swallower. In that case, you’re probably going to die from a clogged poophole, so you’ve got bigger problems, mister. Let’s Get Baked: - Steal a paint scraper from your apartment complex’s maintenance staff. - Scrape gum away from the desk/sidewalk/other public space without drawing attention to yourself. Scream that Chipotle is giving away free burrito bowls or moon everyone while you bend over to scrape the gum. - Massage the gum in your hands to make it soft. Pretend it’s old Playdoh; it feels and tastes the same Give it Some Flavor: - Add sprinkles if you want a crunch to help the gum seem chewier. - Regular and/or sour Skittles, depending on what the gum was stuck to. If it was under a desk, the gum probably sucked in a sweet, mahogany taste – regular Skittles will do just fine here. If it’s on the sidewalk and a bit more tart from dirt, sour Skittles are a better fit Never pay for gum again! Be green and reduce, reuse, rechew.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

THE BACK PAGE

do you know these cereal mascots? Do you know all 8 of these cereal mascots? Oh, really, you're so smart, huh? Well, email us at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com. If you're right, you'll win a prize!

THE SCARY SSSSNAKES CROSSWORD Across: 1) Named after a common house pet, M’eow? 5) The Joakim Noah snake. 6) This snake is named after something smaller and squirmier; think bird food. 7) This one commands legions of loyal followers with its cool hood and venomous bite. 8) A bride-to-be may wear one of these bad boys on her leg. 9) Flex this big bad snake after you get pumped in the gym. 11) These snakes ain’t seein’ shit. 14) This rattler shares a symptom with many a stoner. 16) Kobe Bryant nicknamed himself after this snake.

this kind of snake. 5) A creatively-named snake with black stripes. 10) If this snake was a chess piece, it could move one space in any direction. 12) Pop on some feathers and wear one to the fanciest ball in town. 13) Kind of like slippers, but more NativeAmerican, we suppose. 15) This snake shares a name with something found in the Great Barrier Reef. 17) We’re guessing this snake doesn’t do a body good.

Down: 2) Ice Cube and Jon Voight once starred in a move featuring this fearsome Amazon constrictor. 3) This snake loves one of them southern boils with tiny lobster cousins. 4) Blue plus yellow and you have yourself

GET READY FOR GAMEDAY! VS.

THE LEVEE

ROUNDTABLE

MONDAY

THURSDAY

$0.25 WINGS, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL (3 - 8) $2 PITCHERS (8 - 12)

$5 CHICKEN FINGER BASKET & FRIES, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL (3 - 8) 2-FOR-1 WELLS, DOMESTICS & SHOOTERS (8 - 10)

TUESDAY $10 BURGER & BOTTOMLESS BEER, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL (3 - 8) 2-FOR-1 WELLS & SHOOTERS (8 - 12)

FRIDAY 2-FOR-1 SPICY CHICKEN SANDWICHES, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL (3 - 8)

WEDNESDAY

SATURDAY

2-FOR-1 APPETIZERS & $3 WELL WHISKEY, $ 1 OFF ALL OTHER ALCOHOL (3 - 8) $2 WELLS & $1 DRAFTS (8 - 11:15)

HAPPY HOUR: $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL (3 - 8)

HAPPY HOUR MONDAY - FRIDAY! $2 DOMESTICS, $3 IMPORTS, $4 WELLS, $1 OFF TOP SHELF MONDAY THURSDAY

$6 HALF SLAB OF RIBS, $3 FIREBALL

TUESDAY

HALF PRICE QUESADILLAS, $2 HOUSE WINE

WEDNESDAY

2 SANDWICHES FOR $10, $3 WELL WHISKEY DRINKS

HALF PRICE APPETIZERS UNTIL 7PM, 2 FOR 1 WELLS FROM 7-10:30PM

FRIDAY

$8 BREW AND CUE (BBQ SANDWICH, BEER AND FRIES)

! S L E B E R O G