The Black Sheep FR
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... L at ike Va th ug e W ht hi -He sk mi ey ng sh wa ower y. s
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 3 • 2/21/13 -3/6/13
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_om
Student Caught Smoking On Campus Violently Arrested By UPD joshua barnett wrote this An Ole Miss student is in critical condition today at Baptist Memorial Hospital after he resisted arrest during an anti-smoking enforcement stop, according to University Police. Described as a “cancer sticktoting anarchist” by the arresting officers, the suspect’s name is Tyler Barnes, a junior at Ole Miss. While Ole Miss has officially been a smoke free campus since last fall, the administration decided to allow smokers the semester to adjust to the new rule. Starting this year, they took a no tolerance stance. Tyler decided not to take the warnings seriously, a decision he now greatly regrets from the confines of his body cast. Excited to begin the spring semester, Tyler was leaving his first class of the day when he decided to stop for a cigarette. Eyewitness reports state that he was standing far from any doors or walkways, but that meant little to University Police, as Tyler soon found out the hard way. What started as a quick smoke break between classes swiftly escalated into a violent confrontation over the school’s smoke free campus policy. Officer Janet Black, with the UPD, was on scene when the events unfolded. “Myself and my partner approached the suspect when we saw what appeared to be a lit cigarette in his hand. I couldn’t believe that someone would have the audacity to smoke a cigarette on campus after the administration has put out several notices about the no tolerance policy towards smoking. What does he want to do, give everyone on campus cancer?” Visibly distraught, Officer Black was asked if she was comfortable continuing the interview. After collecting herself, she continued, “He was just puffing away without any regards to the rules put in place to protect the students here. If the university didn’t make these rules, it would be utter chaos on campus. Have you ever seen The Road Warrior? That’s what I’m here to prevent. After I saw him toss the smoked cigarette into a bush, we knew right then that we had a violent, and possibly mentally ill, perp on our hands. At this point, I made the decision to approach the suspect with extreme prejudice.” Kelly Stricker, a sophomore accounting major, was walking across the Grove when she witnessed two UPD officers approaching Tyler. “It was so crazy. The two cops told him to pick up the cigarette and throw it in a garbage bin, but I heard him say that it wasn’t a big deal because no one was around. They said they were gonna write him
You Probably shouldn't have done that
a ticket, but he just laughed and started to walk away. That’s when they started spraying him with orange stuff and hit him with some big black clubs. He fell to the ground and started screaming in pain. I haven’t been that scared for my life since I wrecked my dad’s BMW over the break.” Officer William Perkins, Officer Black's partner that was on scene, explained that the heavy-handed tactics were necessary to subdue the suspect. “After initially spraying the suspect with mace and beating him senseless with our batons, he kept fighting. He used a tactic I like to call, ‘The Opossum.’ It's where they just lay down and act dead, but then attack when you least expect it. Of course I saw right through his ruse. At this point I pulled out my taser and finally subdued him with 50,000 volts of American justice.”
what'’s inside
Top 10: Ways to Fill The Void Where Game-Days Used to Be
Bad first impressions are detrimental to your health, learn how to combat them.
Shoot guns, go to Memphis, and play in James Meredith's secret place.
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Video from a bystander's cellphone shows Officer Perkins tasing Tyler's lifeless body into submission as he yelled repeatedly, “Stop resisting! Stop resisting!” The official UPD report states that the officers used sound judgment to implement phase one of the school’s smoking cessation plan, "positive physical reinforcement." The Black Sheep contacted the Chancellor’s office for comment on the events. While the Chancellor could not be reached for comment, his aide assured us that “everything is going according to plan,” and then let out an evil cackle. Tyler could not verbally comment because his jaw is currently wired shut, although he did blink in Morse code to our reporter, “I had no idea the campus was smoke free, I just transferred here from Iowa.”
bartender of the week Adam from Rooster's Blues House hides things from his mother and makes it awkward.
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contents
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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page 6: From the streets What are you doing to prepare for Spring Break '13?
page 8-9: put your money where your mouth is
Table of
What do our Recipes for Disaster really taste like?
page 11: The WOrd search Try to find all the comedians! if nothing else, it's a great way to kill an hour of boring lecture, right?
page 12: 6 degrees of seperation do you know how tina fey and michelle pfeiffer are connected?
pages 8-9
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word of the week Egocentrick:
A delusional personality trait in which a loathed person perceives themselves as popular. “When Kaylee invited herself to Jason’s party after he called her a bloated sea whore, we knew she was egocentrick.”
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The
Top 10
theblacksheeponline.com
Ways to Fill the Drunken Void Where Game-Days Used to Be
10.) Stand up for your right to shoot shit: This gun-rights business won’t be going away anytime soon and we all know which side of the debate most Ole Miss students will be on. Grab your gun, a 24-pack, and head out to Sardis to get political. At least, that’s what you’ll tell the girls to impress them. 9.) Save your green: Spring break is coming up, so save up to have a fat stack to blow on boxed wine and cigarettes in Destin this year. Spend smart this semester. Go out for flip-coin Wednesdays, penny pitchers on Thursdays at the Corner, or wait until a frat has free kegs at the Levee. 8.) Go green: Definitely not encouraging you to try such an abrasive and illegal substance, but everything in Oxford is more fun when you’re faded. Food on the Square tastes better, your friends seem funnier, and class is less dull. Get a crew, find a round table, and live out That 70’s Show. 7.) Get weird: Get out and do the stupidest shit you can think of, like geocaching! Don’t worry, the Corner and the Levee will still be there next weekend. Take a spray can, a long stick to ward off Oxford’s hobos, and crawl around in the so-called “James Meredith” tunnels that run under Oxford.
You Probably Shouldn’t Have Done That Barney Thompson wrote this “Nothing is cooler than being yourself,” is what your mom always told you. Then again, she also told you that if you didn’t clean your plate then the Bean Monster would steal you away in the night and make you work on a child labor farm where all you could eat were lima beans and cauliflower; a hell befitting of no one. Sometimes though, “yourself” makes terrible choices and says or does things no person should say or do to another living person. Let’s run through a few situations, each more problematic than the last, and how to best handle them. Jumping the Rebel Situation: In an attempt to seem cooler than Fonzie you’ve swung your backpack off your shoulder, single strapping of course, but instead of it falling harmlessly to the ground, your 15 lb. sack of unopened books smashes into the head of the quiet, mousey girl next to you. Having assaulted an innocent girl, you’re now the biggest ass at Ole Miss. How to recover: Stay calm and no matter what, do not shout out, “Bitch owed me money!” She’s not a prostitute, and you’re surely no pimp. There’s really no great way to handle this. Your best bet is to escort her out of class, offer to buy her some coffee and blame the assault on the nerve damage in your back that you received from rescuing all those orphans from a burning frat house. To really sell it you’ll need to violently twitch from time to time. Ole Miss Political Head Situation: It’s your first day of class and you’re super-stoked to be there. That is, until you notice the Obama sticker on your professor’s MacBook Air. This launches you into a political fury rivaled only by your Bud Platinum fueled rant about why Hitler wasn’t such a bad guy. Having exhausted your mental library of knowledge, mostly borrowed from Fox News and Yahoo! Answers, you proudly sit down. The jackass grin across your face soon fades
though, realizing you just spewed ten minutes of bigoted hate-speech. How to Recover: Holy hell, you’ve done it now. This might could be written off as a moment of passion if you were in a majors-only poli-sci class, but this is algebra. Admitting that your political bullheadedness is a product of the keg and eggs you enjoyed for breakfast is a valid, yet inappropriate, excuse. You’re going to have to just bite the bullet and play it off as a terrible practical joke. A terrible sense of humor can be forgiven, pitied even, but the whole racial intolerance thing is still a fresh wound that you just poured a warm Natty on. Rollin’ on a Freshman Situation: Congratulations, you’ve just railed three doses of Molly before remembering that your modern American history class starts in five minutes. What would you professor think if you missed? Having sprinted from the R.C. to Bishop, you’re a sweaty mess who’s rolling his face off. Things could be worse though, like going to the Square on four hits of Lucy after we won the Egg Bowl; that officer’s horse is still owed an apology. As the entire class stares at your black hole eyes you’re probably thinking, “This fleece jacket feels amazing!” How to Recover: First things first, stop rubbing your face on that jacket while purring like a damned cat; the poor foreign student wearing it is scared and confused. The gallon of orange juice you’ve been chugging isn’t really helping your case either. To avoid a cavity search from the overzealous UPD, you’ll want to excuse yourself from class, muttering something about a glandular disorder to your professor as you scurry past. If all else fails, remember: religion, politics, and your violent opposition to gay marriage are all terrible, terrible ice breakers. Instead, go with something like how much total trash it was that you got carded or how you were being profiled when you got that “F” in EDHE 101.
6.) Stop being a shithead: It’s easy to forget the main reason our parents or banks fork up the cash for us to go to college: Get a degree and make bank one day. Why not use this spring semester to pull yourself together and get your parents off your back? Stop using your textbook as a coaster and start kissing your teachers’ asses every once in a while. 5.) Enjoy the pre-spring break buzz: The countdown to spring break begins. Ole Miss sorostitutes are still hopeful about sticking with their 2013 spring break body resolutions. From now until that long awaited day in March, the Turner Center will be full of Ole Miss’ finest. What better way to get over a break-up than getting drunk and pretending to lift weights while you creep on everything in leggings? 4.) Sequester yourself in Memphis: Memphis in May! Strip clubs! CHIPOTLE! All valid reasons to make the journey to Memphis for a weekend. There is no excuse to sit around with your thumb up your ass when the 20th largest city in the US is only an hour and a half away. Get on Beale Street around 7 and you don’t even have to have an ID! If you get drunk enough it might even start to feel like a second-rate trip to New Orleans. 3.) Concerts and whatnot: There’s Double Decker in April to look forward to and the Lyric is staying pretty busy in the meantime, the next few months feature Slightly Stoopid and the Oxford Film Festival. Proud Larry’s is hosting Nappy Roots, The Weeks, and other sounds! Need to convince your parents to loan you some extra cash for concert tickets? Just tell them you need it to take out your favorite girl, Molly. 2.) Spring parties: Going to every fraternity’s spring party at least once should be a given on any college bucket list. These are the only events in your lifetime where it’s socially acceptable to wear an American flag as a cape or a Spider Man tie-dye body suit. Free beer, low inhibitions, and pastures equal the best times you’ll never remember. 1.) Beer showers: “LOVE ISSSS GONE!” Baseball season is right around the corner! With 65 games and a kickass team, Ole Miss baseball games should be top priority on your schedule. This doesn’t mean you have to like the sport; hell, most of the student section doesn’t even have a view of the action on Swayze Field. You don’t have to see the home run to celebrate like a true Rebel and throw your beer in the air.
Dorothy Crosby wrote this
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What have you been doing to prepare for Spring Break ‘13? “Just the usual, sitting on the couch in my hotel robe eating Cheez-Its while wearing my Prada sunnies.” - Avery C., Sophomore
“Working out and eating healthy.” - Emily H., Sophomore
“Running, watching what I eat, and doing my ab workouts on the reg.” - Melissa R., Sophomore
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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where your
mouth is Each week, under our Bartender of the Week feature, we publish a small article, “Recipe for Disaster.” In it, we outline a means of preparing drunk food that caters to your average student. Well, we decided just making up recipes was bullshit—real chefs taste their food! At least, that’s what Tom Colicchio tells us.
poptartilla Ingredients: Two tortillas, two blueberry Pop-Tarts, extra-crunchy peanut butter, strawberry jam Preparation Time: 6 minutes Flavor: 3.5 Texture: 4.9 Ease of Eating: 3 Ease of Preparation: 4 Ease of Clean-Up: 2.5
So here we have six recipes, both normal and bizarre, that have ran in that wacky feature. We had all of our full-time staffers try them, rating each six items in five categories scaled 1-5, 1 being the worst, 5 the best. Some were amazing, some ah-mah-zing, others, well, we’d tell you, but there’s still some puke left in the darkest recesses of our stomach.
Notes: -The Poptartilla turned out much better than any of the judges We found love. expected. Some questioned how the tortilla would mix with the processed Pop-Tart, others, whether the consistency would be too weird after a couple of bites. These fears were unfounded. The tortilla posed no threat, and the texture was spot on. - As the above pictures suggest, the Poptartilla is a visually stunning culinary masterpiece, sure to impress any wastoid foolish enough to accompany a The Black Sheep reader home to “watch Anchorman.” Beyond that, the tortilla offers easy eating opportunities. Not only does it look nice, it’s easy to shove down your throat, easier than his tobacco-stained tongue, at least. - However delicious the Poptartilla may be, it sure does poach one’s throat. A huge gravity bong rip always gives the late-night muncher a mean case of cottonmouth, and the peanut butter all but assures a choking hazard as it tries to slide down that dehydrated highway. - Sloppy drunks should be wary of preparing the Poptartilla. For maximum flavor, the tortilla should be warmed in a skillet, and the Pop-Tarts toasted in the...the toaster. Both of these present serious burning risks to those lacking full-body control.
ghetto fab chow mein Ingredients: Chicken-flavored ramen, two hot dogs, green onions, a red bell pepper, lettuce, tomato • Preparation Time: 13 minutes • Flavor: 2.1 • Texture: 2.25 • Ease of Eating: 4.5 • Ease of Preparation: 1 • Ease of Clean-Up: 1 Notes: - Do you like ramen? Of course you do, you’re a college student, and it’s the best meal twenty cents can buy. Well, how about you throw out the MSG flavor explosion, add some of your precious veggies, a hot dog and spend twice as long coo…HEY! GET BACK HERE AND FINISH READING THIS HUMOROUS QUIP! - But really, the Ghetto Fab Chow Mein is almost certainly more trouble than it’s worth. An amateur chef has a hard enough time boiling water, sautéing veggies, and cooking hot dogs at the same time. Force
them to do this intoxicated, and all of a sudden, spending the last six dollars on a Jimmy John’s sub is a much better proposition. - The best use of Ghetto Fab Chow Mein is for wooing that lusty little beast you randomly made out with on the walk home. Visually, the noodles mixed with juicy red meat and a variety of veggies promises the promiscuous person a meal of a lifetime. Since everything tastes better drunk, (s)he’ll be fooled by the visuals. Your resulting visuals won’t be so bad.
inferno walking taco Ingredients: One can of chili, three small bags of Fritos, sour cream, lettuce, tomato, green onions, and mozzarella cheese Preparation Time: 4 minutes Flavor: 4.1 Texture: 4 Ease of Eating: 3.6 Ease of Preparation: 5 Ease of Clean-Up: 5
Notes: - Eating doesn’t get much easier than opening a bag that has food in it, putting more food in said bag, then eating food out of the bag. Ever see a commercial that claims “X” can be done if the user “just adds water”? Well, the Inferno Walking Tacos are the “just add water” of delicious food, minus water, plus fat and meat. - Once everything’s in the bag, you’re set. Think about it; if a drunk suddenly needs to up and run from the fuzz, WTF, right? no need to put anything in a bag, it’s already in a bag! And a bag in a bag?! College kids can’t afford that many bags. Need to throw it away? Just put the bag in a garbage bag. “But I thought you said I shouldn’t be putting bags in bags?” you say? Exception proves the rule, son. - The only real knock to the Inferno Walking Tacos is, the eater has to get down there and really find those Fritos. While the other ingredients taste good, the texture, sans-chip, is unpleasant. - If there was a diarrhea factor, this would get a 5.
Fluffernutter Cookies Ingredients: One cup extra-crunchy peanut butter, one cup marshmallow fluff, one egg • Preparation Time: 28 minutes • Flavor: 4.4 • Texture: 2.7 • Ease of Eating: 2.1 • Ease of Preparation: 2.5 • Ease of Clean-Up: 1 Notes: - Our Recipe for Disaster called for baking these cookies for fifteen minutes. For this to work, the cookies need to be portioned out to Oreo-sized cookies, or they will not bake all the way through in this period of time. -If you’re stupid enough to make four large cookies (see left), be prepared to have a… wait for it…sticky situation on your hands! Marshmallow fluff is sticky, so is peanut but-
ter. So is undercooked sugar. - We’re still not quite sure why egg is to be used in this. Does one really need a binding agent if there’s no flour and two sticky ingredients involved? (Note: The answer is no.) -The above failures aside, the cookie actually tasted pretty good, as peanut buttery and marshmallowy things are wont to do. One taster noted chocolate chips would be a wonderful addition. Sure. Why not?
bbq nachos Ingredients: Tortilla chips, cheddar cheese, colby-jack cheese, green onions, Sweet Baby Ray’s barbecue sauce Preparation Time: 3 minutes Flavor: 2.4 Texture: 2.6 Ease of Eating: 3.9 Ease of Preparation: 5 Ease of Clean-Up: 3.5
Notes: -The biggest compliment one can pay to BBQ Nachos is that they’re easy to make. Chips— hobos can afford chips—plus a few condiments, and one has a snack that is, well, not good, but edible. - Drunken peoples should avoid using dangerous appliances; this is fact. Sure, this rules out obvious enemies like the food processor and the Rotato, but there’s the always-dangerous oven. What if one falls asleep using it, causing a fire? Or burns their hand badly, meaning no masturbation for weeks? Well, the microwave is safe, but not for the food. We popped our BBQ Nachos in there for two minutes—about a minute and a half too long. The chips were hard and the cheese way overdone.
the lent buster Ingredients: Two blueberry Pop-Tarts, one pint chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, one Snickers bar, a handful of hot dog-flavored potato chips, a handful of original potato chips, chocolate syrup, two shortbread cookies, one cupcake, a handful of Cheerios, one can of Coke Zero, a handful of pretzels, ice, a splash of vodka. • Preparation Time: 7 minutes • Flavor: 1 • Texture: 0.5 • Ease of Eating: 3.3 • Ease of Preparation: 4 • Ease of Clean-Up: 2 Notes: - All those ingredients went in a blender for about ten seconds. The end result was a cold slurry of salty-sweet slop that looked and smelled like throw-up. - There’s an old saying about camels: A camel is a horse designed by engineers; the idea being, a camel is a bunch of good ideas poorly applied. If this analogy holds true, the Lent Buster is liquid diabetes created by malevolent assholes with early-onset Type 2
diabetes. Does a small item of food have more than 100% the daily suggested sodium or sugar intake? Throw that shit in there, son. - Though it was mostly a thick, grainy paste — ostensibly easy to consume — the Lent Buster scores low marks for being so visually and olfactorily disgusting. It was like drinking an ugly hobo milkshake. - When drinking the Lent Buster, one could chew on wet potato chip. It was not pleasant.
Hard cheese, not pleased.
- We re-cooked a smaller batch for 45 seconds, and this batch of BBQ nachos were good, which is the apex of this snack’s potential. Do you like salty things? Sweet things? Cheesy things? Congratulations, so does everyone else! The line ends around the forever.
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theblacksheeponline.com
bartender of the week Adam s. rooster's blues house Relationship status: Questionable
What’s one thing you never want your mom to know: My lifestyle.
Major: Marketing and Spanish Favorite drink: Lynchburg Lemonade, made with Coke, whiskey, and lemonade
What is one goal you'd like to accomplish during your lifetime: Never have a job that requires sitting at a desk.
Favorite shot: Surfer on Acid, made with Jager, Malibu, and pineapple juice
A unique or quirky habit of yours: Making awkward situations even more awkward.
Worst drink ever: Anything with gin.
Are you a morning or night person: Both. Party, party all the time.
What celebrity would you most like to punch in the face: Nick Saban If you could have any superpower, what would it be: Get high and fly.
the drinking game: award season
Congratulations – it’s award season once again! The red carpets, the celebrities, the performances… the list of nonsense winds on and on. One of the most anticipated award shows of the season is of course the Oscars; however, one cannot forget the other events that are to follow. Such shows include The Country Music Awards, the MTV Movie Awards, the TV Land Awards, the Tonys, the Bronys, and our favorite, the AVNs. What You’ll Need: Hard booze, cheap beer, and a bloated ego. Number of Players: As many as can fit around your crappy living room. Level of Intoxication: Somewhere between Lindsay Lohan and pre-rehab Mickey Rourke How to Play: - Decide beforehand on the nominees whom you think will win or whom you want to win. - Take a drink anytime someone is asked who they are wearing. - Take a shot anytime a celebrity shows up without their partner. - Anytime someone you pick wins, choose one person to take a shot. - If your nominee loses, chug for five seconds. - Take a shot every time a winner thanks god. - Waterfall for the first 30 seconds of each tribute. - Take a shot anytime a winner is cut off by music. The Game Ends When: People have an existential meltdown as to the concept of award shows and worshipping celebrities… or people just stop paying attention because all the relevant awards have been handed out.
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What’s your favorite thing to do in the summer: See the world. What’s the weirdest thing you have ever eaten: Squid in its black ink.
recipe for disaster: Beercakes
As if pancakes weren’t already good enough, beer makes them even better. Pancakes and beer go together like Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston; it just makes sense. Start your day off in the best way with some beercakes for that essential morning pregame. What You’ll Need: 1 can of your favorite beer, 1 teaspoon of salt, 2 cups of all-purpose flour, 2 beaten eggs, 1/2 cup of white sugar, 1/4 cup melted butter, 1 teaspoon of baking powder, and cooking spray. Cook Time: 15 minutes. Fatty Factor: Depends on if you’re using light beer or not. Let’s Get Baked: - In a large bowl stir together the flour, sugar, baking powder and salt. - Add the eggs, beer and melted butter to the mix. Stir until mixture is blended; a few lumps is fine. - Heat a skillet coated with cooking spray over medium heat. Spoon the batter out over the skillet using either a 1/3 or 1/4 cup measuring cup. - When the beercakes start to bubble, flip them over until the other side is browned. - Pour your favorite syrup over the beercakes and eat ‘em while they're hot! They taste a lot better going down than they do coming up, so eat wisely.
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