Ole Miss - Issue 3 - 10/3/2013 by The Black Sheep

Vol.5, Issue 3

The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

sup free. eri ..lik ori e t roomm t y he ate you g feelin puk et w g of es i hen nh is b your ed.

10/3/13 - 10/16/13

Ole Miss Demands Hair and Blood Samples From Students To Verify Classroom Attendance BY: ole miss staff Following the installation of ID scanners in certain classrooms, Ole Miss authorities have seen fit to add extra measures to the system. What began as a simple way to keep track of attendance has evolved into something much more fun and involving for students.

says are corrected in the update for the attendance system. “Before this new version, students could just take their friend’s ID to class and scan in. Now that the scanner has a prick to take blood and small receptacle for hair samples, everyone will be fighting to be at the front of line for class!”

Sources in Martindale Hall have confirmed that the ID scanners will now feature a small prick to draw a blood sample and a receptacle for a hair sample. According to one official, “this will keep students from scanning each other’s IDs, and we all know how much fun a police state is, so we thought we’d slowly implement one here on campus!”

Kelly Parker, a sophomore at Ole Miss, told The Black Sheep “I really liked the idea of having to scan my ID for class, but this new system is even more endearingly fascist. Plus, they have these really cute posters of Rebel Black Bear over the scanners looking down saying ‘Big Bear is Watching.’ It’s so Orwell, I love it!”

Reactions from faculty and students have been mostly positive. Dr. Raymond Lewis, a history professor, said “I find it extremely convenient. Students line up fifteen minutes prior to class and attempt to scan their IDs. I tell them every time that the scanners don’t work until ten minutes prior, but it’s like a game! Everyone likes to pretend they’re in North Korea for an extra five minutes.” Dr. Lewis continued “I even keep a paper roster going around just in case one of our finest and brightest students can’t figure out the scanning system. You add lasers and LCD screens to the classroom and suddenly everyone’s autistic.” The system did have its downfalls, which Dr. Lewis

The Black Sheep spoke with the chancellor’s office to see what was next for the Union of Soviet Socialists Republics, also known as The University of Mississippi. “Well, the next logical step will be retina scanners to make the process even more exciting. We’ll probably add these all around campus, everywhere students are, just to be sure if for some reason the classroom scanner doesn’t work, they won’t be counted absent,” said a spokesperson for the college. She continued “Obviously this is all for the students’ own good. We’re hoping to push forward another imitative to tattoo each student’s number and bar code on their wrists. We know that tattoos are very popular these days and we just think it’d make things more convenient for the professors and students. All of these initiatives are just a way for students to spend more time learning in the classroom, and less time signing pieces of boring old paper!”

The spokesperson also hinted at a possible “Spirit Week” and “Two Minutes of Spirit” that will get students riled up against Mississippi State and LSU. While most faculty and students are excited about the new measures that make life easier on campus,

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Scrambling Senior Apples for Any and All Internships

Freshman Doesn’t Regret Long Distance Relationship

Hey, steve jobs never had an internship, why should you?

YOLO, and all those things just like that.

some groups spoke out against what they called a “big brother” regime being emplaced at Ole Miss. This was before they were escorted off campus in unmarked vans. The Black Sheep was told this was merely to take them to Ole Miss Department of School Spirit, Room 101, to learn “school spirit.”

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page 13

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A sad masturbation session after being blue-balled. “Simon dejerkted and went to bed after Hailey didn’t reciprocate his advances in the student health services waiting room.”

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Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_OM and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!

This gothic rock frontman saw Bloodflowers all over the place after unloading a few rounds from a world-renown rifle maker.

read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com

Greeks through the ages By: ole miss staff As a new batch of freshmen go through the rituals of rush, we at The Black Sheep noticed that things seem to be staying pretty calm this year. While the University P.D. surely enjoys the peaceful activities, it’s a little disappointing for the students. What happened to would-be frat daddies waking up hanging from a tree like a marionette puppet, or found stumbling through The Grove dressed up as what could only be described as a dildo-peacock? In an attempt to shed light on the evolution of civility throughout Greek life, we’ve sat down with Earnold Yemmingmay, Ole Miss alumnus age 60, and Chad Broull, sophomore age 19. The Black Sheep: Thank you for taking the time out of your days to sit down and really get into the essence of what Greek life is all about. Earnold Yemmingmay: Whiskey and floozies. TBS: I wasn’t actually asking just then, but I appreciate the insight. Chad Broull: Earnold smells. TBS: I extend my previous statement to you as well. Now, gentlemen, with fraternity and sorority rush happening-EY: You shoulda said sorority first. Women

always go first, except in the sack. Or if there are doors involved. CB: He’s right, actually. TBS: At the risk of getting an answer, what’s the deal with women and doors? EY: Women put most of their brain power into things like lookin’ pretty and cookin’ so things like how to work door knobsCB: Or signaling for a turn. EY: Those kinds of things just go over their head. Also women are shorter than men. TBS: I’m not sure any of that was true. CB: Science, bitch! Breaking Bad, am I right? TBS: Sure. Theme parties are a big part of Greek life culture now, what were the parties like when you were here? EY: We had all kinds of themes. We did a Cold War party that went over well, turned the attic into a dance floor. CB: Throwback parties are the best, always a great time. EY: Our most successful party actually got shut down before the night was over. TBS: Care to tell us the story? EY: Well, we covered ourselves in shoe polish like a bunch of [REDACTED]

TBS: Earnold, I’m going to ask that you not use words of such an offensive nature. CB: That’s pretty messed up. EY: Your fathers were a couple of limp pencils weren’t they? TBS: Pardon? CB: Not against kickin’ your ass Earnie. EY: If you’re tryin’ to intimidate someone, it helps to not smell like a perfume shop sink. CB: It’s Lacoste Essential! TBS: I’m going to steer this back on track. Over the years, rules and regulations have been piled onto Greek life events. Earnold, do you think these changes have made things safer for everyone involved? EY: What I wanna know is who put the nancies in charge? CB: Right? A few preteens get alcohol poisoning and everyone flips out. But really though, I do extend my sympathies to the families of those little boys. TBS: Were there no restrictions on attendance or holding an open container? EY: The only rule we had was that no one came in without takin’ a swig of bootleg-

ger’s pride. CB: That stuff was real? I thought that was a legend!

TBS: Was there ever any concern about police or at least UPD investigating the disappearances?

TBS: What exactly was bootlegger’s pride? EY: We took a big whiskey barrel and filled it with moonshine and poured in four ounces of cocaine.

It was at this point that Earnold absolutely did not pull a revolver out of his boot and threaten to kill us if we talked to any authorities about the completely private activities in which he and his brothers partook. So by no means should Oxford P.D. go snooping down Old Taylor Road 1.7 miles past the Mark and 200 yards past the tree line. There absolutely will not be any sort of evidence that might lead to a massive cover up spanning decades.

TBS: How’d no one die? EY: Oh we lost about one person a month. Not always from drinkin’, sometimes they just sprint off into the woods and never come back.

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Scrambling

Senior Applies for Any and All Internships

The

Top

Ten

Drinks You Thought of While Drunk By: black sheep staff

Sometimes, you find yourself inventing delicious, original drinks. These are not those. These are drinks thought of by your sloppy-drunk self. 10.) Mountain Dew and Tequila: Sure, this sounded like such a good plan at the time. Tequila is the only booze that’s not a depressant. Mountain Dew is delicious. Plus, there’s all that sugar so you can feel extra-horrible come morning! Yippee! 9.) Vodka and 5-Hour Energy: Just because 5-Hour Energy has 8333% your daily intake of good ole’ B12, doesn’t mean it’ll provide 8333% your daily intake of awesome when a very drunk you concluded that you should throw some Karkov in there as well. Prepare for a night of text messages and snap chats you didn’t mean to send. Just don’t be afraid to share your dumb mistakes with The Black Sheep by tweeting @BlackSheep_OM. Everyone’s all in this mess together. 8.) Frappacino and Rum: Sober, this sounds awful. Buzzed, it sounds awful. But drunk, these two become a viable option, much like those people you accidentally hooked up with over the weekend or that decision you made to buy a life-size cutout of Steve Buscemi. 7.) Gin and Margarita Mix: Wait a second, this one doesn’t even taste that bad. Gin is a cool liquor with a strong flavor. It almost perfectly compliments the lime and high fructose corn syrup notes from the mix. Almost. 6.) Beer and Whiskey: An excellent drink if you’re in the mood to projectile vomit everywhere. It really seems appropriate at the time but it’s really never appropriate. Don’t you guys remember that episode of Workaholics?

By: Knowlton Bourne OXFORD- Describing his fears upon graduating, fifth year Ole Miss senior Chet McCluckister told reporters that he will make any and all attempts to better his résumé, hoping to make it, “even the least bit presentable.” “My original plan was to crash above my parents’ garage and shop my résumé around a bit, but they leased it out to this really next-level musician. He’s a cool dude,” explained McCluckister. “How does one go about making a résumé enticing to an employer? I’ll tell you how,” Chet stated, “a shit ton of internships and stuff. Any and all. Just make it look like you did a bunch of different shit.” McCluckister, a theatre major with a double minor in philosophy and English, realized around September of his senior year that he might actually need to have a job upon graduating. “I kind of started to freak out as I began my senior year. I realized that no sane person in this world is going to pay me to read Infinite Jest and watch Criterion Collection movies all day long.” McCluckister began applying for any and all internships via Craigslist, in an attempt to have some sort of work experience under his liberal arts belt. McCluckister told reporters that his first internship was completed as a research assistant and test subject for the new exercise and endurance medication, Sustainacil. The drug was inserted as a suppository, day and night, curbing his will to eat, drink, sleep, laugh, smile or indulge in any sort of pleasurable activity. “Aside from the temporary blindness, it was a real eye-

opening experience. After being hospitalized for a full week I decided to look for some other work.” McCluckiser’s next unpaid Internship was found on Craigslist as a boom operator for the feature film, Anal Spelunkers II. McCluckister reported, “I initially thought it was a documentary on cave exploration. The experience was great and the talent really seemed to love the extra samples of Sustainacil I had lying around.”

5.) Naked Juice and Gin: This delicious bitch is actually more of a drunk-piphany. You’re getting your fruits, getting your veggies, and getting your party on. You can put almost half booze in any given fruit smoothie and not taste a lick of it. It’s actually recommended to exceed that point so you get a little taste of gin. (The Black Sheep is not liable for any decisions made beyond this point.) 4.) Vodka and Milk: This is not a White Russian, kids. This is milk and vodka. It tastes like milk with vodka. Think of milk as the substitute teacher, filling in while Kahlua’s vacationing in Barbados. It’ll try really hard to get you to like it, but it’ll literally taste like you’re drinking one of the spitballs the kid in the back row shot at you.

Employment rates for college grads in 2013 was a crippling 36.7% , a whopping .3% less than the previous year. Many college graduates are coming to the realization that “Frisbee Golf Club” and “Drum Circle Manager” carries no weight for future employers who are not related to your family. The college student continued on the search for another résumé-building opportunity. “My third internship kinda came to me on a whim, but I really think it will make me look appealing to employers.” McCluckister was offered an internship in marketing and sales. “I drove and sold packages across state lines for these really great guys I met at the gas station,’” the senior continued. “It was a really great opportunity, we used code names and I was paid in cash, so I didn’t have to worry about taxes or FICA.”

3.) Crappy Plastic Rum and Apple Juice: Alright, this one tastes good too. Be careful. Aren’t you guys proud that of having a shittier version of Capitan Morgan to call your own? It’s heartwarming.

McCluckister is still on the search for any and all work experience to thicken his resume and work experience.

2.) Vodka and Franzia: Because why the hell not? If you’re drinking shitty wine that tastes like piss mixed with grape juice, you might as well add some fuel to the fire. At least now you’ll actually get drunk off the stuff.

“My résumé is constantly growing and looking more and more promising for future employment. I’m not really sure what field I am looking to go into, but I really feel like these experiences show how marketable I am in any career path to employers.”

1.) The Leftovers: A bit of Svedka? Check. A smidge of the Jäg? Yes please. A little Tanquray? Certainly. A dash of Jameson? Of course. A pinch of butterscotch schnapps? Wait, why do you even have that... Nevermind, just put it in there. This is a drink of desperation; you’ve got low spirits from being, well, low on spirits. Therefore, you must improvise. Try not to get pregnant.

Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

on the Streets What’s the worst piece of advice your parents ever gave you? Pete, Senior

“Go to Alabama.”

unior Jonathon, J

“Go with your ﬁrst thought.”

o m o re S h a u n , So p h

“Just pull out.”

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The Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

Happy Hour! Monday-Friday 3-7pm $1.50 16oz. PBR and Coors $1.00 off all Drinks

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THURSDAY SATURDAY $1 PBR and Keystone Free Power Tower on Birthdays!

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WHEREVER YOU NEED TO GO,

AUSTIN TAXI CAN GET YOU THERE

Drinking Game Fill the Pumpkin Having a variety of alcohol is always good, right? That must mean that having a variety of alcohol in one drink must be great! Maybe not. Let’s find out. What You’ll Need: A plastic pumpkin bucket, pair of dice, a wide variety of alcohol types and flavors, and friends who have strong stomachs. Number of Players: The more, the scarier. Level of Intoxication: Let’s just say the pumpkin doubles as a vomit bucket. How to Play: - Place the pumpkin in the middle of the table and surround it with the nips. - The first person rolls the dice and does the corresponding action with the number rolled. - Two: Speak in a funny accent until it’s your turn again. - Three: Make up a rule. Whoever breaks the rule takes a drink. - Four: Pour a drink into the pumpkin. - Five: Play a round of “Never Have I Ever.” Whoever loses takes a drink.

- Six: Drink whatever is in the plastic pumpkin. - Seven: Make someone else take a shot. - Eight: Pour a drink into the pumpkin. - Nine: Roll one of the dice again. Whatever number you get, drink for that many seconds. - Ten: You’re Question Master until someone else rolls a 10. - Eleven: Rhyming game with autumnthemed words - Twelve: Drink whatever is in the plastic pumpkin.

Recipe for disaster Whiskey Caramel Dipped Apples Autumn is officially here and what a better way to celebrate it than with caramel-dipped apples, infused with booze, of course! They’re a little healthy, a lot sweet and have the potential of getting you a little tipsy. What more could you want? What You’ll Need: A bunch of apples, wooden popsicle sticks, wax paper, caramel bits, your favorite whiskey, and whatever other chunky monkey toppings you want to pack into your mouth Cook Time: We’re guesstimating 25 minutes. Fatty Factor: It’s like 80% fruit, so let’s just leave it at that. Let’s Get Baked: - Place your caramel bits in a bowl. - Microwave the caramel/whiskey for about 3 minutes, stirring after each minute. Stop the microwave after the mixture is melted. - For each bag of caramel bits used, add 3 tablespoons of whiskey. Stir. - Shove a popsicle stick into one of the apples and dip the entire apple into the caramel mixture, making sure it is completely covered when you’re done. Lift the apple out of the bowl and let the excess caramel drip off. - Roll your apples into the toppings of your choosing or simply place them on the wax paper plain. - Allow your caramel apples to chill in the refrigerator for about 15 minutes before enjoying!

Austin Taxi provides prompt, reliable, and clean service all around Oxford. Whether you need to go to the Square, the Airport, or anywhere else, we have you covered.

The Game Ends When: The first person starts looking a little ghoulish. Once there’s vomit in the pumpkin bucket, we doubt you’ll want to keep playing with it.

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Try experimenting with different alcohols and flavors, such as green apple vodka. We suggest steering clear of disgusting dessert flavors, unless you want to see your delicious apple creation in the toilet.

CALL US TODAY: (662) 832-9705 nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com AUSTINTAXIOXFORD.COM

ATIC B O ACR

S e x si

Po tion eview! R k o o B A

By: Benny Boy

Although Emily Dubberley’s Acrobatic Sex Positions contains some of the most strenuous and penile-endangering sex positions known to mankind, one often finds that the most difficult aspect of these positions is convincing your girlfriend to do them with you. After all, you can only try these positions solo so many times until you find yourself only able to climax at the scent of moisturizer in the tortoise position. Here we will give you a few of the better sex positions from Acrobatic Sex Positions, all of which have been tested by us firsthand (R.I.P. Valerie), followed by our advice on how to get your significant other to try it with you.

Tow Truck

The

Pick p u e m

Difficulty Convincing: 3/10

What it Looks Like: The man is standing straight up with the woman in front, face down, legs wrapped around his hips and in the resting pushup position. How to Accomplish: If you see this position and don’t immediately think of wheelbarrow races, then your childhood was seriously lacking. Either that, or my uncle Terry has some serious ‘splaining to do! To get your girlfriend to do this one, you will need to hype up the innocent fun of it. Ask her if she would like to do a wheelbarrow race just for fun, just like old times. If she declines and looks at you like you’re crazy, say you guys could do it with your clothes off (She might be skeptical at first, but just do your best at convincing her that you will not stick your penis in her). After you guys have started wheelin’ around what you need to do is -- and this is the most important part -- you need stick your penis in her. At first she will be upset, but then it will quickly dawn on her that if she stops using either of her arms to support herself, she will be heading face-first to the floor. Extra points if you can accomplish this during the wheelbarrow race at your neighborhood’s annual family fun picnic.

The

Difficulty Convincing: 2/10 What it Looks Like: The woman is on all fours with the man sitting on her backside, leaning over to initiate penetration. How to Accomplish: This will be one of the positions that will require a lot of prep time. What you need to do first is work really hard at your job, saving money whenever you can. As soon as you have 2-3 grand, surprise your girlfriend with a luxury trip to Morocco. She will want to go to the beach for the first couple of days, and you will need to oblige. Close to the end of the trip you need to insist that the two of you go on a nature expedition. Once in the desert, you need to pretend that you are lost. Panic will set in at first, which is only normal. The desert will be very hot, so you should be removing clothes slowly while telling your girlfriend to do the same. After you are both naked, tell her that you need to rest, only the sand is too hot for you to sit on, so she must get on all fours so that you can rest on her buttocks. Once doing so, and this is the most difficult part, you must violently wrench your penis into a downward 90 degree angle in order to achieve penetration.

Difficulty Convincing: 4/10

What it Looks Like: The man is leaning over the side of the bed head-first. His head is resting on the floor and he is looking under the bed. The woman is sitting on the side of the bed against him.

How to Accomplish: This one is really quite simple. In the middle of making love to your woman, stop immediately and announce that you have a gift for her underneath the bed. This sudden interruption will leave the woman frustrated, but that was going to happen anyway. Turn around and dive off the bed head-first into a headstand. Lift up the overhanging sheets and begin “searching” for the gift. After a few minutes, yell out in a panicked voice that you are going to fall on the floor. Tell your lady friend to come and help you by sticking your penis into her for leverage. This works half of the time, the other half of the time the childish behavior makes the girl think she is in the movie Big, which sometimes helps because of the mental association with Tom Hanks.

Part 1 of 3!

The

XXX B

wall ang er Difficulty Convincing: 8/10

The

Back

Break er

What it Looks Like: The woman is up against a wall with the man doing a handstand behind her.

Difficulty Convincing: 6/10 What it Looks Like: The man is standing with the woman suspended face up, legs wrapped around his back, and with no support. How to Accomplish: This is another position which will require a lot of prep work. What you need to do first is become a licensed magician. Now, you might be asking, “Do magicians need licenses?” And the answer is, we truly don’t know. However, if you do need one, you’re gonna want to get one for this position. The Backbreaker is going to mimic the age-old levitation illusion. Normally this is done using hidden planks underneath the volunteer, but this time it will be a little different (Hint: You’re gonna use your penis). When you’re performing your routine at a bar mitzvah, county fair, or what-have-you, plant your girlfriend in the crowd and ask her to come up to participate in the levitation trick. Once you are prepared for the great reveal, mount your lady and go to town. She will be suspended in mid-air, and nobody will be the wiser.

Part 2 of 3!

two

fA CE D

LovEr Difficulty Convincing: 9/10

What it Looks Like: Just like The XXX Wallbanger except now the woman is also doing a handstand. How to Accomplish: At this point you are making love to your girlfriend while doing a handstand. Congratulations. The next logical step is to get her to do a handstand as well. She’s going to ask you why you are banging her while doing a handstand, and you are going to respond, “Is it me that is upside down, or is it the world?” She will think about this for a moment, eventually concluding that her perception of the world, universe, and society at large is just that: A perception. Although this spiritual revelation does not necessitate a physical rotation of the body into a handstand, she will still probably be more inclined to do so after realizing the subjective nature of the cosmos.

How to Accomplish: This is just one of those positions which requires a very specific set of circumstances to pull off, but when you do it is that much sweeter. You’re gonna need to find your girlfriend naked up against a wall. Now, this doesn’t happen very often, so when it does you need to be ready. Who knows, she could be doing some naked hamstring stretching, or maybe she is counting while playing naked hide-n-seek. Anyway, when she is in this position you need to get naked, do a headstand, and then just hand-walk your way on over to her. It’s best not to explain. The more you try, the more she won’t understand.

Part 3 of 3!

The

Clasp ing

Hands t a n d Difficulty Convincing: 10/10 What it Looks Like: Just like the Clasping Handstand except the two are now facing each other. How to Accomplish: To get the move to come to its conclusion, all you need to say is, “You know what, babe? We’ve gotten ourselves into this position, we might as well just face each other and admire us for the acrobatic weirdos that we are.”

read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com

By: Logan Little

t e r g e R ’t n s e o D y l l ta o T n Freshma long distance relationship Coming to college is a giant step in a young person’s life, and sometimes that step means parting ways with friends, family, or even significant others. For others, like incoming freshman Garret Fields and his girlfriend of 5 years, Olivia, this was not the case. The Black Sheep had a chance to sit down and have a word with Garret on unconditional love and his long distance relationship. “Listen man, I’m 18. I know what love is, and what Liv and me have is more than that,” said Fields, who became separated from his girlfriend in August Garret and Olivia follow a strict Skype date schedule. Every day the couple talks before his 8 o’clock and in the Grove for a “picnic lunch.” Garret had just finished his second date today and arrived 5 minutes late to our interview. He explained that he had to step outside and call Olivia before our interview. “I tried to explain that I was just riding my bike across campus, that’s why I wasn’t texting her, but now I think she’s mad at me. That’s just how it is, though. Even if we aren’t mad at each other we like to act mad at each other, or just be mad at each other.”

We asked Garret about what sort of friends he’s made at college thus far, but before he could respond, the familiar iPhone ringtone went off, sending Garret out of the room. Through the paper-thin walls we could hear Garret attempting to start sentences only to be cut off. “But baby… Liv, I… Babe come on!” We heard the conversation come to an immediate halt as Garret came back into the room. A much dourer Garret rushed back into his chair, one hand sending a quick text to, presumably, Olivia and the other wiping away a little forehead sweat. “Yeah, like I was saying, it’s easy to make friends, you know, as long as they don’t ever hang around any girls, ever. Like, if we go to the Square I make sure that only guys are going. It’s always good to send a picture of who I’m with, just to let her know who all is going to be there.” Garret noted that he chooses his friends based on Olivia’s guidelines. “It’s nice, because why would I want to decide who I hang out with? It’s much easier to just let Olivia choose for me. Sometimes it’s best to just not hang around

anyone really, because what if I ran into another girl? Liv wouldn’t like that.” Garret went on to explain how he communicates with his girlfriend on a regular basis. “Text messages should be constant, a minute missed and Liv’s pissed, then call anytime I have at least 10 minutes of downtime, Skype twice a day every day, and at least one Instagram collage every two–and-a-half weeks. Also, she expects at least 3 handwritten love notes each semester, preferably with a DNA sample included.” Garret goes on to explain that in a social media culture like ours it’s important to be on the alert 24/7 for Facebook pictures, Snapchat history, and retweets from other girls, regardless of topic. “This one time, a girl from my high school retweeted me talking about how funny I thought Casa De Mi Padre was and Liv didn’t text me for 2 days. I cried so hard that I got strep throat.” Garret’s story shows a long distance relationship can be a very challenging situation for a young college freshman. With new experiences and people being thrown at you every day, it can be hard to focus on a

significant other that is so far away. We asked Garret if he regretted staying in this long distance relationship to which he responded “Of course not… make sure it looked like I said that without hesitation,” finally Garret ended our interview with a bit of solemn advice for others in his situation “Remember, try to have as little fun as possible, your relationship will be much better if she thinks that no happiness can exist in your life unless she is there. Also, always apologize.”

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