Vol.5, Issue 3
The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
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10/3/13 - 10/16/13
Ole Miss Demands Hair and Blood Samples From Students To Verify Classroom Attendance BY: ole miss staff Following the installation of ID scanners in certain classrooms, Ole Miss authorities have seen fit to add extra measures to the system. What began as a simple way to keep track of attendance has evolved into something much more fun and involving for students.
says are corrected in the update for the attendance system. “Before this new version, students could just take their friend’s ID to class and scan in. Now that the scanner has a prick to take blood and small receptacle for hair samples, everyone will be fighting to be at the front of line for class!”
Sources in Martindale Hall have confirmed that the ID scanners will now feature a small prick to draw a blood sample and a receptacle for a hair sample. According to one official, “this will keep students from scanning each other’s IDs, and we all know how much fun a police state is, so we thought we’d slowly implement one here on campus!”
Kelly Parker, a sophomore at Ole Miss, told The Black Sheep “I really liked the idea of having to scan my ID for class, but this new system is even more endearingly fascist. Plus, they have these really cute posters of Rebel Black Bear over the scanners looking down saying ‘Big Bear is Watching.’ It’s so Orwell, I love it!”
Reactions from faculty and students have been mostly positive. Dr. Raymond Lewis, a history professor, said “I find it extremely convenient. Students line up fifteen minutes prior to class and attempt to scan their IDs. I tell them every time that the scanners don’t work until ten minutes prior, but it’s like a game! Everyone likes to pretend they’re in North Korea for an extra five minutes.” Dr. Lewis continued “I even keep a paper roster going around just in case one of our finest and brightest students can’t figure out the scanning system. You add lasers and LCD screens to the classroom and suddenly everyone’s autistic.” The system did have its downfalls, which Dr. Lewis
The Black Sheep spoke with the chancellor’s office to see what was next for the Union of Soviet Socialists Republics, also known as The University of Mississippi. “Well, the next logical step will be retina scanners to make the process even more exciting. We’ll probably add these all around campus, everywhere students are, just to be sure if for some reason the classroom scanner doesn’t work, they won’t be counted absent,” said a spokesperson for the college. She continued “Obviously this is all for the students’ own good. We’re hoping to push forward another imitative to tattoo each student’s number and bar code on their wrists. We know that tattoos are very popular these days and we just think it’d make things more convenient for the professors and students. All of these initiatives are just a way for students to spend more time learning in the classroom, and less time signing pieces of boring old paper!”
The spokesperson also hinted at a possible “Spirit Week” and “Two Minutes of Spirit” that will get students riled up against Mississippi State and LSU. While most faculty and students are excited about the new measures that make life easier on campus,
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Scrambling Senior Apples for Any and All Internships
Freshman Doesn’t Regret Long Distance Relationship
Hey, steve jobs never had an internship, why should you?
YOLO, and all those things just like that.
some groups spoke out against what they called a “big brother” regime being emplaced at Ole Miss. This was before they were escorted off campus in unmarked vans. The Black Sheep was told this was merely to take them to Ole Miss Department of School Spirit, Room 101, to learn “school spirit.”
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Bartender of the week Christina of The Corner would like Moon Shoes to make a comeback.