The Black Sheep
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Vol.6, Issue 3
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
2/20/14 - 3/5/14
LINES, LINES, EVERYWHERE A LINE LOGAN LITTLE WROTE THIS
Oxford, MS. -- The University of Mississippi has experienced one of the strangest semesters ever this spring. Parking changes, crazy basketball games, and record-breaking cold all attribute the rampant confusion this semester. While there are some issues still being sorted out, students and faculty at the University of Mississippi have a bigger concern: lines. Yes, reports of lines, or “queues” as our neighbors in the UK say, have begun to spring up at random on the Ole Miss campus, and there seems to be nothing anyone can do about it. “Bruh, I was in The Union and I had like 10 minutes between my last class and my 2 o’ clock, you feel me homie?“says Clark “TooTurnt” Epstein, “so, I go and was gonna snag some eats and I walk in and there it was man, it was this line to the door of the Union, homie. Ain’t nobody got time for that.” “I just had to go to the bathroom really bad before my southern studies class, and everywhere I went there is a huge freaking line, even at the secret bathroom in Paris Yates where girls poop. Everywhere had a line,” reports senior Taylor Lynn McCloud. The lines have been described as “long,” “ridiculous,” and “f*cking stupid.” They have caused enough commotion at the campus for the university to call in an expert on the subject to try and figure out why these lines are appearing, and if they are controllable.
“After much research it is clear to me what the cause of the line infestation is,” stated line expert Robert Allan. “We see this in food courts all across the United States. Wherever a mediocre, oriental food chain opens, long mundane lines appear. Panda Express seems to be spawning lines at will. This is a new sort of spontaneous combustion that we have yet to scientifically understand. Y’know?” Lines are not the only thing spontaneously combusting on campus, stomach problems have been a top ailment this semester at Student Health Services. When asked about the health crises, Dr. John Ledbetter from the Health Center responded: “The amount of stomach issues on campus right now is alarming, I’ve filled out more prescriptions for Imodium and adult diapers than I ever have in my life, not to mention this awful line appearing randomly at the Health Center. Ain’t nobody got time for that.” Professors, too, are fed up with the lines appearing because of Panda Express. Tardies and absences have sky rocketed nearly 67% this semester and it’s thought Panda Express is to blame. Students report standing for hours and, in some cases, days waiting for their oriental plate. “The amount of adult diapers in class is extremely distracting as well, they’re made of very squeaky material,” states Writing 101 instructor Caleb Varnadad, “and kids are always in line to leave and go to the restroom, it’s become a literal shit show.”
Line expert Robert Allan notes the only hope for the university is to implement a “fast pass” type of program, which is used at locations like Disney World, where line outbreaks are a constant threat. The university is also working with the Aramark and the Health Center to help provide students with free adult diapers.
Aramark’s decision to take away Magnolia Kitchen and replace it with a Panda Express was a move that some called “bold” and others called “risky.” When asked, a sobbing Aramark employee, stated, “We thought that Panda Express was going to be a positive choice for the school, people were tired of eating the same thing so we wanted to mix it up. We just didn’t know
what would happen. WE DIDN’T KNOW!” Without no sign of the lines slowing in growth, Ole Miss students must stay hopeful that we will live to see a time where you can get mediocre oriental food in a timely manner, and void your bowels with a sense of pride and control.
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PAGES 10-11
PROLIFIC RHYMES WITH PSYCHOTIC
TOP 10: THINGS AN OLE MISS REBEL NEVER SAYS
THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS: BIG GIGANTIC
THERE REALLY IS A FINE LINE THAT WE ADVISE YOU DON’T CROSS.
ANYONE WANT TO SKIP THE BAR AND WATCH DOWNTON ABBEY? ANYONE…?
WE CHAT WITH JEREMY SALKEN OF THE FUNKY HIP-HOP AND JAZZ DUO.
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