The Black Sheep
FR E pu E... zz Lik le s we pu ith ttin yo g t ur og pa et re her nt s.
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 4 • 3/21/13 -4/3/13
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Broke Ole Miss Junior
had Awesome Spring Break Alone In Oxford Joshua barnett wrote this While most students were blackout drunk not making any memories on the beaches of the Gulf of Mexico, one Ole Miss student was left behind. He’s not mad about it, seriously. “I had a great time just chilling out last week,” said Ole Miss junior Tyler Hancock. “It was awesome, I got a lot of school work done. I’m not mad I didn’t have enough money to chip in for gas, or that my friends completely ditched me. It’s all good.” While Tyler insists that he had a wonderful experience that “brought [him] closer to God,” his friends seem to disagree. “Yeah, Tyler’s pissed,” said his roommate and friend of four years Gregory Ryan. “I felt bad for him, but he couldn’t afford the gas or chip in for the hotel. It’s not like we’re not allowed to have fun just because he wasted all this semester’s loan money at the Square.” Tyler still seems to disagree with his friend’s statement. “I don’t know what Greg is talking about. I didn’t even really want to go. Sure, I’ve never had a chance to go before because I wanted to wait until I was 21, but it’s really not a big deal. I was so productive last week, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I’m halfway through a 5,000 piece puzzle with no corners. No corners, motherfucker. No. Corners.” Tyler’s parents, Tim and Susan, offered their opinions on their son’s week of spring break adventure in Oxford. “Tyler’s a great kid. I’d like to help him out, but I feel like he needs to learn a lesson about being self-sufficient. My dad taught me the hard way in the mountains of Kentucky. He kicked me out at the age of 12 with nothing but a Bowie knife and five feet of rope. If I can go from strangling squirrels to survive to being a partner in a respectable law firm, Tyler can do without spring break,” said Tyler’s father. His mother offered a different opinion. “I feel so bad for my little Ty-Ty. He works so hard to get good grades and couldn’t even join in with his friends for spring break. I know they were just going to the beach to relax and maybe fish, but it’s just not fair that he had to sit in Oxford all alone.” Chad Thomas, another friend of Tyler’s that went on the self-described “Epic 2013 rage-fest,” expressed concern for his friend.
Slaving Away for Spring Break
“I heard he started knitting over the break. Like, what the hell man? I think Tyler’s gone off the deep end. I would say he didn’t miss out on much, but let’s just say we went to jail two out of six nights, which is pretty freakin’ awesome if you ask me.”
to a book club and debated the responsibility of man towards his fellow man, capitalism, and the pitfalls of communism. It was great. I don’t think I would have had that much fun getting completely wasted and hooking up with chicks from other schools.”
Tyler’s Xbox Live account has been extremely active over the last week, with his Gamerscore increasing from a casual 3,000 to over 20,000. “It’s not like that’s all I did,” stressed Tyler. “I actually had time to watch Atlas Shrugged. I so get Ayn Rand now. I even went
When asked if he has plans for his senior spring break next year, Tyler said, “I can only hope next year is as great as this year. I don’t know how I’m going to top it but, I’m just hoping I’ll get around to reading War and Peace. “
what'’s inside
Chlamydia Attacks PCB, Ole Miss Students left Itchy
Mississippi is the last state to outlaw slavery, but it's better late than never!
Alcohol, Hangover, Chlamydia… why do they insist on ruining Spring Break for us?
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bartender of the week Aubrey from Funky's could live off of Bud Light, steak and beef jerky, like any real man.
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Tips For Finishing The Semester Strong
Spring break is over and it’s time to start locking down those C-pluses and B-minuses. Does this mean it’s the end of the party? Hell no! We’ve got tips to keep you partying and still be successful. 10.) Do your homework drunk: Some French professors tell their students to have a glass of wine before they come in for an exam, because apparently it makes them more confident. So go pick up a few 40s of confidence and drink until those Fs turn into As. 9.) Sell all of your books right away: You HAVE to beat the end-of-semester crowds at Kennedy's. In fact, just sell them before exams. This will not only save you time later on, it will also give you money for pizza, coffee, and Adderall. 8.) Avoid class study sessions: Remember those dudes who showed up only once for class? Well, turns out they, shockingly, didn’t learn jack squat. Going to a study session means you’ll be stuck trying to figure out a semester's worth of curriculum with these slackers, so it’s best to not go. Instead, try going to the bars your professors go to. Nothing says “I’d like some special consideration” like buying your professor a shot. 7.) Party as much as possible: Exercise does the body and mind good, and everyone knows how much of a sweat you can break when getting your groove on down on Cherry Street. Make sure to drink plenty of fluids too, like beer! It's got plenty of carbohydrates to power your brain and the water it kind of contains will keep you hydrated.
Slaving Away for Spring Break
6.) Take acid: You need an extra creative boost for your papers, and Mr. Unicorn and his Sunshine Band sure do have some crazy awesome ideas for your paper on medieval studies. You might even get to interview a dragon! 5.) Bribe your professor: This one is serious business. If you haven’t already, keep an eye out for what your professor likes and doesn’t like, then make sure you get it in bulk. Nothing says “I’d love an A++” like 36 barrels of cheese balls or a crate of knockoff Ray-Bans.
Barney Thompson wrote this With Jon Stewart making it rain koozies with “Slaving away spring break ’13!” screened onto them while flying through the Mississippi skies on a Hell Donkey with the head of Nancy Pelosi, things were different down on the coast this year. Mississippi’s sneaky slave trading industry had finally been shut down. Sure, before ratifying the amendment it violated most or “all” human rights, but who won’t miss all those helping, albeit shackled, hands? Not only are we back to wiping our own asses, but Mississippi’s entire atmosphere has changed. Walking along the beach, you can hear cars blaring jazz and see trails of smoke from marijuana cigarettes; as opposed to the usual parade of lift-kitted trucks firing crushed Natty Light and Four Loko cans at unsuspecting pedestrians, accompanied by the rally cry of, “spring break!” While watching mothers and fathers protect their children from weaponized aluminum is standard on any Mississippi vacation, the real action was happening down the road. The organization formerly known as the Slave-Owners of One-Fiftieth of America was having a meeting. This usually meant bad news for the not-so-fair-skinned folk, but not today. Today these once-sleazy, mustached flesh-for-cash businessmen were gathered around a TV, a colored one even, voting on a more farming-centric name, watching Paul James explain the fundamentals of soil health, and discussing whether a tomato was a fruit or a vegetable. The debate -- fruit or vegetable -- quickly created a rift among the SOOFA members, with one side stating, “Things were better when tomatoes were just vegetables and not causing problems or knockin’ up our daughters.” One generally accepting group, who has never had a problem with any sort of change in modern society, wasn’t too keen on this whole “no slavery” thing -- the religious maniacs. Usually the religious maniacs keep busy handing out pamphlets explaining how we’ve damned ourselves by giving in to sins of the flesh, also known as “fun.” It seemed the recent rise in freedom among Mississippians put a damper on their righteous rally. Now they strolled down the beach passing out pamphlets with, “Even He needs a helping hand!” emblazoned across the top. Luckily they caught wind of a women’s rights rally a few towns over and hopped on their charitable charter bus in hopes of crashing that blasphemous shindig. Another impact of the ratification was on those rad beach sports that all the tubular babes love to watch. The flabby, pasty things often referred to as “college kids” just couldn’t keep up with energy of the recently freed. Like the end of an 80s college movie, the privileged upperclassmen were shutdown in every event they challenged the free men to; aside from lacrosse, but it’s not like that’s a real sport anyway. The evening of exhibitions ended with the crowd chanting, “Kunta! Kunta!” and the flabby, pasty college kids’ girls leaving in the arms of Not-Toby and his friends, as a frat star fell to his knees screaming a drawn out “No!” to the skies. Though the old generation of proud slavers weren’t quick to adapt to these newfangled ways of thinking, like electricity and not burning women for being witches, by the end of the night spring breakers of all walks of life were passed out on each other, covered in foam, vomit, and body paint, because shame is colorblind. Mississippi might be the gooch of the south, but we’re reasonable people who, when given a few extra decades, can move on into the equal, tolerant future with the rest of the United States.
4.) Host a BYOB study group: Although you should avoid these, hosting an exclusive group of all those nerds who went to class every day will boost your grade. Get your fellow scholars drunk, and they’ll throw all kinds of helpful information your way. What, you didn’t know that Massachusetts was conquered by Spain in 1492? 3.) Eat walnuts: Walnuts are supposed to be a super food for the brain, so we suggest an all-walnut diet. Walnut shakes, walnut hot dogs, walnut burgers, walnut milk; even if you’re allergic, it’ll pay off in the end when your brain has more RAM than an IBM supercomputer. Also, try eating RAM. 2.) Play video games: You need to keep your mind stimulated, so why not keep your brain working by beating the brains out of someone else? We recommend anything with gore, chainsaws, or bunnies. 1.) Cry: This is usually the first thing anyone does when there’s an impossible test on the horizon, so start your morning fresh with some all-natural salt flavored eye drops.
tbs staff wrote this
From the Streets
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Chlamydia Attacks PCB Leaving Hundreds of Ole Miss Students Itchy, Uncomfortable Joshua Barnett wrote this Police in Panama City Beach, Florida, have confirmed an attack on the large group of students there for spring break by the infamous criminal Chlamydia. Little is known about the socalled “burning bandit,” other than he prefers to strike where masses of horny coeds have gathered. Official reports put the number of Ole Miss students affected by the attacks in the hundreds, as Panama City Beach is a prime spring break locale for many students. Officer Stuart Pinkman, a PCB police officer, spoke with The Black Sheep via telephone. “Every spring it’s the same story. We try to prepare for this guy, but it’s like we can never catch him, although everyone else seems to. We’re not sure why he targets places where undergrads are drunk and away from home, it just seems to be a part of his M.O.” Officer Pinkman continued, “Luckily, Chlamydia seems to be an in-and-out perp. He comes in, strikes a couple hundred people, and is gone a week or two later. It’s insane. It’s like he gives them just enough time to regret last week’s decisions, then he disappears. We want to assure the public that we’re doing everything we can to catch him.” Stacy, a freshman at Ole Miss who wished to be identified by a pseudonym, recounts her harrowing experience during the attack. “We were just drinking a lot ya’ know. Like, tons. I got a really badass fake so I could get into all the good bars. Guys were just throwing drinks at me, it was so cray, I don’t really remember what happened the whole time we were there, but
it was such an AWESOME trip. Then, I get back to class this week and my whole downstairs situation is acting up. I was like WTF.” Stacy continued, “Apparently I had been attacked by that asshole Chlamydia and had no idea. I don’t understand how he got me, I was blacked out the whole time I was in PCB and only slept with, like, eight guys, I think.” Jonathan, an Ole Miss student also going by a pseudonym for this story, related an attack by Chlamydia, and also suspected accomplices. “The night started pretty tame. I was having a few drinks to get my confidence up to dance with a girl who was about a 7. You don’t want to start too high, that’s a quick way to crash and burn. Anyway, I start dancing with her and talking and we hit it off. Next thing I knew, I had Alcohol whispering in my ear to take her outside to my buddy’s car. ‘He won’t mind,’ he said. ‘He’s a total bro; you’d do it for him!’” Jonathan continued, “So me and this chick had a really romantic first date in the back of his Honda Accord. Everything was great, but apparently somewhere in those passionate five minutes, Chlamydia struck. Now, today, it hurts to pee and I can’t even have the lights on in my room because of that bastard Hangover. My life is irreparably changed for the next 48 hours, when these drugs run their course.”
spree. Officer Pinkman commented, “It seems that Alcohol likes to set up the attack from Chlamydia. Most of these students are unsuspecting of him, but they do expect Hangover, who seems to show up constantly. We’re using every resource available to track down these sick bastards and bring them to justice.” Ole Miss Student Health Services issued a statement to the student body advising those that may have fallen victim to this attacker. The statement was published on their website and reads, “Due to the high volume of victims in this recent attack, the Student Health Center will be handing out antibiotics at the Student Union from 10-2 every day this week to ensure all students are free from the burning sensation of regret.”
now hiring! PCB Police are investigating Alcohol and the notorious Hangover as accomplices to Chlamydia in his weeklong crime
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t e k c a r Ncaa b t e k c a r b n o i t c e l se
It's bracket season, and with it, all the insane ways millions of people make irrational decisions in hopes of eking out a few extra tax-free bucks. Well, not to get too meta, but we've decided to release our bracket on bracket selection processes. Which methods are most and least effective? Hint: Cuteness of animals has no correlation on basketball success.
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bartender of the week Aubrey B. Funky's Relationship status: Taken Favorite drink: Bud Light Favorite shot: Jager, pour and enjoy! “Worst enemy” drink: Prairie fire, it’s tequila and Tabasco! What’s your favorite food: Steak Who is the best James Bond: Daniel Craig, by far. What’s your most embarrassing moment: There’s so many, I can’t pick a particular one out. What are the best munchies: Beef jerky What are three funny names for a dog: Jake, Sasha, Arliss What’s your favorite 90s song: Vanilla Ice – “Ice Ice Baby” Where would you go if there was a zombie apocalypse: Blackwell and Clayton's Plantation
the drinking game: march madness
It’s that glorious time of year again, the NCAA College Basketball Tournament. It’s all anyone will be talking about for the next couple weeks, so you might as well get drunk enough to not cringe at the throaty gurgling of Dickie V’s voice. What You’ll Need: Beer, eyeballs, a television Number of Players: The more (who bring beer) the merrier! Intoxication Level: It's a slam dunk. How to Play: Take one drink - For every “official” reference of a field of "68 teams" - For every Buffalo Wild Wings commercial - For every 60 Minutes commercial - Every time Dickie V. says something incredibly predictable on ESPN - Every floor slap Take two drinks - For every ol’ fashioned college-hustle play - When the higher seed goes up by ten - For every Craig Sager appearance - Every time a school’s band sadly attempts a pop song - When Marv Albert makes basketball seem poetically absurd Finish your drink - For every upset - For every correct pick in your bracket - When you realize you’re watching TruTV long after the games have finished - For every buzzer-beater - Before the guy you owe a lot of money to breaks your legs
recipe for disaster:
Nutella Cool Whip Popsicles We’re sick of winter and its iron-fisted, anti-popsicle policies. Just because it’s cold outside doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be able to make it cold inside our mouths! What better way to make winter go away by denying its existence and eating a frozen treat? What you’ll need: Cool Whip, Nutella, milk, blender, and one of those popsiclemakers (though an ice cube tray would work in a pinch). Cook Freeze Time: 3 hours Fatty Factor: Just tell yourself eating Cool Whip and Nutella in popsicle form isn’t as bad as sneaking spoonfuls of each at 3 in the morning. Let’s Get Baked: To make three popsicles: - Put 1 cup Cool Whip, ½ cup milk, and 3 Tbsp. Nutella into a blender - Blend - Pour gooey goodness into popsicle molds/ice cube tray/shot glasses - DON’T pour gooey goodness into your mouth, you impatient fat ass - Freeze for a few hours - Eat all three in one sitting It doesn’t have to be summer out to enjoy frozen treats, just like it doesn’t have to be the weekend to be drunk at 11 a.m.
The Game Ends When: The games end, dummy.
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the madlib: hungover at the gym Oh my ___1___, why am I here? I am sort of glad my bitch of a roommate is dragging my ___2___ ___3___ here to ___4___ on the elliptical, but only because I’m still kind of ___5___. All right, I’m going to try the treadmill first, get the hardest one out of the way. Hopefully ___6___ is on, it’s the perfect thing to stare at mindlessly. Okay, got my earbuds in, blasting ___7___ so loud I hope I knock this tiny Asian next to me off her machine. First minute done -- I’m not doing too shabby! Except my head is pounding like ___8___ would pound ___9___ after a roofied ___10___ or two, so maybe I’ll just run a mile. Maybe I’ll walk the last half. God, the Asian is giving me the stink eye, maybe because I’m sweating out all the ___11___ from last night and smell like the floor of ___12___. You know what, screw this. I’ll try the elliptical, at least it’ll make the bouncing of my head more subtle. Lord, why do all these girls look perfect while I’m sweat-
ing and shaky like I took a bunch of ___13___ in ___14___. Whatever, I can do this! Perfect, a machine open next to the ___15___ girl so I can feel better about myself. Damn, she makes Kim Kardashian’s ___16___ look small. Okay, of course she’s watching ___17___ make ___18___, what the hell! Just focus on ___19___ getting drunk and making bad decision, wow, I’m not really as bad as them. Sure, I danced on ___20___ bar last night and slipped on a pile of ___21___ but at least I didn’t get arrested! That ___22___ looks so good my stomach is growling like a ___23___ . I can’t do this. Okay I see my roommate, I’m gonna motion that I’m going to just chill out on the bike until she’s done. I’m going to cool down, put on some ___24___ and just mellow out and… …. I cannot believe I feel asleep on the bike. Thank God my roommate is ready to leave, I need ___25___ ASAP and maybe a ___26___ .
1) Swear word 2) Synonym for big 3) Plural body part 4) Verb 5) Synonym for drunk 6) MTV show 7) Intense rapper 8) Slutty male celebrity 9) Whorish girl you know 10) Girly drink 11) Liquor 12) Popular bar 13) Party drug
14) Hot exotic location 15) Synonym for big 16) Body part 17) Famous chef 18) Typical drunk food 19) MTV character 20) Bar from #12 21) Liquid 22) Food from #17 23) Wild animal 24) Indie band 25) Food from #17 26) Cocktail
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