Vol.5, Issue 4
The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
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10/17/13 - 10/30/13
We Might Be Terrible People BY: Barney Thompson With Rebel football back in Oxford for a while, we’re already falling back into the habit of drunken land rushing and blackout Groving, but how did the businesses of Oxford’s Square handle the tailgating drought? Home games are a source of Uncle Scrooge-sized revenue, so you might expect the stores of The Square to drool over game weekends in Oxford. However, this doesn’t seem to be the case. Luckily your faithful source of hard-hitting news, The Black Sheep, is here to quell the questions burning deep in your loins, right next to the herpes. So we gathered our wits, put away the blotters, and hit the streets to get some answers. Our first stop was at a gas station revered for its late night cuisine, primarily the robustly flavored chicken-on-a-stick. The clerks here were not the most helpful; one kept complaining about how he wasn’t even supposed to be there because it was his day off. The other kept throwing balls of paper at us and wouldn’t shut up about a cousin who broke his neck in a fellatio accident. The only real comment we were able to get out of this location was from a longhaired, shady-looking fellow out front who allowed us the knowledge that he had the “best ganj west of your mom’s snatch gash.” What he showed us though looked to be mostly lawn clippings mixed with parsley and pubic hairs. We do have to commend the business on their sticked chicken though, it was like tasting the first dream ever imagined while riding Alf through a deep fryer.
We decided to ask some of Oxford’s more fashion-forward clerks how they had fared through the stretch of away games. They were all in agreement: keep the games away. When asked in more detail why they detested their student clientele, one girl, Paige, offered a reason through anecdote: “The worst thing I saw had to be when this polite-looking girl couldn’t squeeze into a dress the night before game day. I offered to find her a size up, but she didn’t care for that. What happened next was just awful. She stripped down in the middle of the store and she-- she started shitting on the dress. I’ve never seen that much anger and determination on someone’s face before. What haunts me is that she wouldn’t break eye contact, and I couldn’t look away, I just couldn’t.” Paige broke down at this point as the shop filled with consoling coos from the rest of the staff. We quickly made our leave. Just a few stores down we found ourselves in a t-shirt shop, a chat with the clerk, Gerald, was quite revealing. It would seem Ole Miss’ student body is a bunch of sociopaths with drinking problems: “A couple weeks ago this huge group of sorority girls came in, a few of them had their boyfriends, and bought every large and extra-large shirt I had, but it wasn’t enough. They started yelling terrible things about my mom and great aunt, things auntie would never do. I managed to herd them out, but they weren’t done yet. I looked up from the register and there’s a car driving straight for my store! Who drives a car into a store? We had so many mediums!” Gerald started bawling into a comical shirt about “Mississippi State and poop.”There seemed
page 4
The Costumeless Conundrum
Some people are too cool (and apathetic) to care about Halloween.
to be a pattern developing. In order to get as wide a view as possible, we tracked down some cooks hanging around the Mexican place. When asked how they felt about the lack of football in the past four weeks, one worker had this to say, “Man the students can stay gone. They come in after an Ole Miss win and ask
for the stupidest shit. Last time I made a chicken quesadilla with no cheese. I’ve never cooked anything I respected that little.” We tried talking to some clerks at the bookstore, but they just kept suggesting late 19th, early 20th century authors we should have read before middle school if we even consider ourselves “wordies.”
Ole Miss has been named the most beautiful campus with the best looking students, but has all the praise gone to our heads? The answer seems to be that, yes, it has. What other reason is there to explain shitting on dresses and driving cars into business fronts? We might be a campus of narcissistic wackjobs, but it’s good to have the Rebel family back together.
page 6
pages 10-11
The Rebel’s’ Secret Weapon
The Black Sheep Interviews: Steve-O
Harnessing obsessive compulsive order for good.
• Keep Up With Us! • @BlackSheep_OM • theblacksheeponline.com •
We chat with the infamous funny man about nut shots and YouTube.