The Black Sheep
FR pig EE. eo .. Li ns ke wh eat ile ing wa sc iti rap ng s fo wit rt ht he he bu s.
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 5 • 4/4/13 -4/17/13
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_om
Ole Miss Student Starves to Death Waiting on Yellow Line O.U.T. Bus Joshua barnett wrote this
A student’s skeletal remains were found at a Yellow Line Oxford University Bus stop, Oxford Police Department officials have confirmed. Spokesperson for OPD, Officer Tyler Brown said, “The student’s remains were found Tuesday evening and seem to be in the advanced stages of decay. Crime scene investigators found no evidence of foul play.” Brown continued, “The Coroner’s Office has found the cause of death to be a mixture of boredom and starvation. We’re not sure how this could have happened.” The victim’s identity has not been made public, but The Black Sheep was able to obtain an interview with the victim’s roommate, who asked to remain anonymous. “It was just a regular day, you know, he left the apartment to take the bus to campus. He always complained about how long the wait was, but I never knew it was this serious,” the source said. When asked if the victim’s absence threw up any red flags, the roommate said, “I was never really worried where he was, you know? I just figured he’d been partying hard for weeks, probably crashing at different chicks’ places.” O.U.T. was contacted by The Black Sheep and received an e-mail response. “We here at the Oxford University Transit are taking this situation very seriously. We are addressing this issue by extending the hours on the Green line and adding another bus to the Blue line.” Chelsea Travis, an Ole Miss junior and patron of the Yellow Line gave her opinion on the matter. “I always wonder where the hell the bus is in the afternoons. I’ll see the Green Line go by four or five times before the Yellow Line ever shows up. I’m not surprised this happened, it was only a matter of time.”
Patrick Robinson, an Ole Miss senior and adamant conspiracy theorist, has other ideas. “I think the guy that died, I think he was on to something big. He was about to blow the lid off the O.U.T. bus being a front for a drug ring. Or something like that. Aliens. Shit, I’ve probably said too much, now this bus will never come,” he said.
O.U.T. officials explained the discrepancy in the different routes’ waiting times. “You see, it’s really complicated. The Yellow Line is shorter than the Green Line, and there are more students. Obviously we don’t want to saturate the bus with students, so we run fewer buses on the Yellow Line. It’s only logical,” an official said.
Responding to this accusation, O.U.T. officials said, “It’s preposterous to think that we’re involved in some kind of conspiracy having to do with drugs or ‘aliens.’ The Yellow Line bus doesn’t take a really long time because it’s delivering plutonium to an
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underground warehouse. That would be just crazy. That’d be like saying the Yellow Line bus is actually going five miles out of the way every day and delivering the students on board to a cloaked research lab where our alien agents are testing on human subjects and replacing them with clones. That’s just insane, the lab is only three mil… non-existent, none of that is true obviously.” In response to Patrick’s observations, the History Channel has sent its expert Giorgio A. Tsoukalos to investigate the possibility of alien interference. The Ole Miss History Department collectively cringed at the announcement that the “expert” would be coming to campus.
bartender of the week Chase from The Corner has a white toothbrush with blue bristles. How many people know that off the top of their head?
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