Ole Miss - Issue 5 - 10/30/2013 by The Black Sheep

Vol.5, Issue 5

The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

f Wh ree...l en I si ike ba p, y ou ckwa sip sh. we sip !

10/31/13 - 11/13/13

Blowing Up Like You Always Dreamed BY: Barney Thompson Mike Leyer, supposed casualty of a freak car explosion and third year sophomore at Ole Miss, has contacted The Black Sheep in an attempt to get his story out there. Kicking aside the empty bottles on the porch of our HQ, we found a package with a note attached, ransom-style, that contained indisputable evidence as to what exactly happened to Mike on that fateful day, and a number we could use to reach him. A few weeks ago, Mike’s parents saw his midterm grades laying on the table, and flipped out, making demands Mike described as “cray as hell” and “buku bitchy.” “It was crazy man,” said Leyer in a rare interview over the phone, “They were going off, threatening to pull me out of my frat and, like, walk me to class every day. How am I supposed to pull sloots with my mom holding my hand? They didn’t even care about the pot or shrooms just sitting on the counter. As soon as they saw that midterm grade report, nothing else mattered; I could’ve shot a nun in the face with a blunderbuss, a literal blunderbuss, while wearing my mom’s wedding dress and

there would have been no repercussions.” The parents’ shock and disappointment spawned a two hour long intervention where they suggested Mike go to counseling for his poor decision making, noting that it may have stemmed from the aforementioned drugs. They went back and forth arguing what it would take to get him back on the straight and narrow until settling on buying Mike a season of Dr. Phil to watch. Whether it was a Blu-Ray+digital combo and exactly which season could not be confirmed by The Black Sheep. Unwilling to cave to his parents’ demands, Mike hatched a plan that would work out for everyone, more or less; it would mostly work out for him and leave his friends and family in complete emotional distress. “I put like five times the recommended amount of explosives needed to blow up a bank vault right under my car,” said Leyer. Never one to cut corners, he notes, “Taliban ain’t got shit on me! And it’s crazy how easy it

all was: throw a cadaver in the front seat, beat it with a crowbar, and boom, death faked. I cannot recommend this enough to my friends, mainly because they all think I’m dead.” We’ve never let a lead die, so we tracked down some known friends of his to ask what he was like before “passing.” “Mike was a pretty impulsive guy, never really was much of a planner. Sure, it’s a little shocking to hear that he faked his death, but understandable, I mean fall midterms are never a pretty sight.” said Blue Detroit, who swore that his real name was Blue Detroit. We chose to trust him. His girlfriend at the time, Andrea La’bish, was less than thrilled to hear that Mike was, in fact, not dead and had merely faked his death to avoid the consequences of having his grades revealed. “That wasn’t even his car! I let him borrow mine while his was in the shop for an oil change. It was ready like thirty minutes after he blew up! Where is he? I want the address,” said La’bish while

brandishing a large hunting knife. The Black Sheep loves bringing families together almost as much as a free drink, so for the climactic finish, we set up a surprise reunion between son and parents. What followed was a truly heart gripping embrace as the family’s hug slowly morphed into a teary, snotty mess. Mike explained why

he felt what he did was completely reasonable and fiscally responsible, which his parents didn’t agree with but were glad that he was all right. However, the night did hit a speed bump when he stabbed himself in the chest with a prop knife, giving his mother an actual heart attack. The doctors say that Mrs. Leyer

will be just fine and only had a small heart attack that triggered a mild stroke. She should be out in a week after some bed rest. As for Mike, he’ll be moving back into his parents’ house until he gets off his feet, though, “not in the same sense as last time,” Mike jokes, adding that he’ll definitely be putting in the needed effort come midterms next semester.

page 4

page 5

page 6

Ole Miss Student Takes His Own Single Life

United States Holds Garage Sale

Student Accepts Grandma’s Friends Request

He sure was a good time, though, that guy.

But you know michelle is the one making him.

• Keep Up With Us! • @BlackSheep_OM • theblacksheeponline.com •

Immediately regrets it, just like most decisions.

Meet the Staff <<

campus manager Knowlton Bourne

Distribution Manager Macon Humphries

Editorial manager Barney Thompson

campus director Brendan Bonham

Advertising Managers Naomi Kennedy, Sherry Poe Alex Brown

owner Atish Doshi

Writers Emily Parish, Barney Thompson Social media manager Robert Smith Promotions Manager Morgan Marie

Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390-1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900

Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com

Disclaimer: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

looking for an internship? Marketing, Ad Sales, Writing, and more! Get experience doing something you love!

Apply online today! theblacksheeponline.com

Tweet Us @BlackSheep_OM

#goodtimes

Did you find that Halloween surprise I left in your mailbox?

It’s gooier inside than you are.

Seriously?

Word

Tweet Us @BlackSheep_OM

Miraculush A man or woman who can hold their liquor beyond any reasonably human level. “The group knew Dino was a miraculush when he crushed a case of PBR before spending the rest of the night ripping shots at a bar.”

of the

Week Guess

The Mascot Tweet Us @BlackSheep_OM First right answer wins a prize!

DON’T MESS AROUND WITH

#BADTIMESMAN

Tweet us your creepiest, most hilarious, most perverted, most raunchy (or all of the above) pick-up lines to @BlackSheep_OM #BadTimesMan

If yours proves to be the weirdest, you’ll win a prize and be featured in next week’s issue!

The Black Sheep

Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_OM and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!

Nose, eyes and mouth absent, this 36th chamber member meets Atlanta rapper with a 36-inch chain.

read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com

Ole Miss Student Takes His (Own) Single Life By: black sheep staff After being unable to obtain a single hookup who would put up with his drunken shenanigans throughout the fall, and with the threat of winter looming, Junior Will Carlson has decided to put an end to his own single life. The decision to enter into a relationship has come as a shock to those close to Carlson, who reportedly had “no idea” his situation had become so dire. Carlson felt like a man who had “run out of options,” according to a note he left behind, along with some tokens of his independent life, including his collection of koozies , a mystery key he used only for shotgunning beers, and “the pants;” all of which he would obviously no longer need. “I just wish he would have told me before he went and did it,” said close friend James Rogers. “I think if I had only known, I would have been able to stop him. I mean, I know plenty of slutty girls he could have hooked up with and then never called again.”

While it is important to take time to mourn the death of independent Will, it is also important to remember to celebrate his single life, no matter how tragically short he decided to end it. According to his friends, independent Will was one the most fun-loving people you could ever hope to meet. “[He} was always down to get drunk,” recalls former classmate Chris Abraham. “One time, during finals week, we said fuck finals and went to Deja Vu instead. He convinced the cab driver to let us bring a keg in the cab, and we tried to drink the whole thing, just the two of us, inside the strip club. We got so drunk that I missed my final the next day, and I had to drop out of Ole Miss… but it was totally worth it.” Roommate Jimmy Thompson remembers Carlson similarly. “Any time you were around him was bound to be a fun time. He would get drunk and embarrass himself

every weekend, but do you think that affected him? No. He would come back, get just as drunk, and embarrass himself just all over again. He used to hide in bushes during parties, get completely naked, and run out and tackle someone at the party. No one thought it was really funny except for him, but he didn’t care. Sometimes he wouldn’t even make it home he’d be so drunk. He would walk halfway there and just pass out wherever he happened to be. One time, he woke up on a park bench in front of a church. That probably should have sent him some sort of message.” “I just can’t help but think I should have seen this coming,” said friend Brett Weaver. “In fact, I can’t remember a time where he didn’t completely embarrass himself trying to talk to a girl. It was my favorite thing about him. You could go up to the girl he had been talking to and any fully formed thought sounded like Shakespeare in comparison. It was almost as funny as it was pa-

thetic. So how could you really blame him for sacrificing his independent life for the first girl who wasn’t completely repulsed by him? You know, for most people, girls are like buses; you miss one and another will be along in 15 minutes. But for Will, they’re like buses in another way; there’s only one, and she’s literally like a bus.” While it is sad to see independent Will go, at least we know he is probably in a better

place now. “I just hope that relationship Will can become a better man,” said Rogers. “Obviously, a much less fun man, but better. I would have hoped independent Will and relationship Will could coexist, but of course, a Will divided against itself cannot stand.” When asked about the death of his former self, relationship Will responded, “She says she’s my girlfriend? And that we’re in a relationship? Is that why she won’t leave my apartment? Shit.”

read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com

United States holds Garage Sale “Buy our crap,” says Obama By: black sheep staff

Once again the United States has avoided complete chaos and anarchy by signing into effect a plan to raise the debt ceiling. But with only a few months until we reach the ceiling again, how will the president and Congress raise enough money to help relieve the national debt and boost our economy? There have been many options so far, including globally selling pot and minting a trillion dollar coin, but none of these plans have been even remotely as successful as what the government plans to do over the next few weekends. From 6 a.m. to 2 p.m. on Saturday November 2nd: A United States Garage Sale. Both the House and Senate agree that there’s just too much shit lying around collecting dust in storage facilities around the nation. Here are just a few of the items that are going to be up for sale: One partially used Ark of the Covenant, two hundred ET Super Nintendo cartridges, over 30 models of tanks, John Boehner’s “legendary” box of pornography, nine autographed Obama basketball cards from college, a connect-the-dots book partially completed by President George W. Bush, and three plungers used by William Howard Taft. There will also be a special pre-sale for the 1% of Americans who actually have money to spend on November 2nd, where these big spenders will have first dibs on special items, such as a recovered spacecraft from Roswell (one of three), a signed copy of The Louisiana Purchase, one of Bill Clinton’s saxophones, Davy Crocket’s hat, the title to Detroit, and a complete replica of the space station bathrooms. But what could possibly be better than a national garage sale? Raffle drawings will be held throughout various weekends where you can buy a $1,000 ticket for your chances to win any of the following: Hillary

Clinton’s golf clubs, Sarah Palin’s wolf-killing helicopter, Dick Cheney’s shotgun, John F. Kennedy’s (somewhat sticky) copy of the Marilyn Monroe Playboy, and much more. There will also be a $1,000,000 ticket drawing, in which prizes include: your name on the Statue of Liberty’s forehead, your face on Mt. Rushmore, your very own Oregon, six tickets to watch the Super Bowl from the Moon, President Andrew “Stoned Wall” Jackson’s private bong collection, and a chance to star in the next Star Wars movie. Those who make purchases of $1,000 will also receive a free $500 deficit bond with a framed, autographed picture of Oprah. There will also be a children’s carnival behind the White House next to the Federal Beer Garden. All purchases will be final, with the exception of nuclear-based arms, which can be returned in thirty days if the product has a factory default. Joe Biden will also have a lemonade stand set up at the front gates, where you can choose from a selection of powdered pink and regular Country Time lemonade. Congress has set a goal of raising thirty gillion dollars, but will settle for one trillion. If the goal is not reached, Congress plans to put up more signs in hopes that more people will show up for the great deals before the holiday season. President Barack Obama has made the comment that “Finally, millions of Americans can help get their country out of debt by giving money for their beloved politicians’ old crap. Of course, all the proceeds will be going to things we said we would provide with taxes.” The official start time of this sale will be released on the ObamaCare website, once it works.

EVERY MONDAY IS LADIES NIGHT 3 for 1 Wells, Domestic, House Wines and Mixed Shots

sushi music vibes •

•

Now Open at Our New Location! 302 South 11th Street

(Behind The Lyric and The Soulshine Parking Lot)

302 SOUTH 11TH STREET • OXFORD, MISSISSIPPI • 662.236.6639 • TWOSTICKSUSHI.COM • FOOD ALWAYS SERVED UNTIL 10PM

Student Accepts Grandma’s Friend Request, Immediately Regrets It

The

Ways to Salvage Your Halloween Costume

Top

Ten

By: Knowlton Bourne Halloween may be over, but that costume you spent serious textbook money on lays crumpled and sad on your dirty bedroom floor. Have no fear, you didn’t waste $150 for one or two nights of revelry, The Black Sheep is here to show you how to salvage that ‘stume.

By: black sheep staff After a month of debate, freshman Brian Pullman accepted his grandmother’s Facebook friend request last week. Over the past seven days, Pullman has experienced the complete destruction of the flawless public image he meticulously crafted over the past decade. “I could have never anticipated that it would get this bad,” Pullman said dejectedly. “My reputation has completely tanked.” The friend request was sent after Pullman’s nineteenth birthday in September and after mounting pressure from his mother, he finally gave in and accepted her request. “She kept calling me asking why Brian hadn’t accepted the request, and I couldn’t take it anymore,” explained Pullman’s mother. “Finally I called him and asked him if that’s what he wanted his grandma’s last memories of him to be.” Pullman called this move a “cheap shot” and ultimately blames his mother for his social decline. “It was only an hour until I started regretting accepting her request,” Pullman said. “She commented “THIS REMINDS ME OF WHEN YOU WORE MY UNDERWEAR :)” on a picture of me in a bathing suit.” The comment currently has 31 likes and appears to be making a resurgence in the past couple days. When pressed to explain himself, Pullman replied, “I slept over at her house when I was five, and I forgot to bring clean underwear. Can we move on please?” Unfortunately for Pullman, the humiliation didn’t end there. Over the following days, his grandmother went through all of his pictures, liking nearly every one that had a girl in it and occasionally commenting, “HOPE YOU ARE KEEPING IT CLEAN.” Scott Dithery, one of Pullman’s floormates, believes that Mrs. Pullman has revealed who Brian truly is and couldn’t be happier. “I used to be intimidated by that kid, but now he’s not even a blip on my radar,” Dithery said. “Did you hear that he wore his grandma’s panties? Unreal.” “Giving her my email address I the first place resulted

in being forwarded stupid pictures and chain emails every day for three years,” Pullman complained. “Now my Newsfeed is cluttered with shared articles like ‘Obama is the Devil’ and ‘Shingles: An Inside Look.’” He reportedly told her he changed emails last year and gave her a fake to divert the spam, which many called “ethically questionable.” Unfortunately, Pullman made the mistake of not untagging himself in pictures with alcohol. When his grandmother found them she posted, ”LOOKS LIKE YOU’VE BEEN A BAD LITTLE BOY, BUT I WON’T TELL ON YOU.” Unsure of whether to be thankful that he wasn’t going to be ratted out or to be weirded out by being called a “bad little boy,” Pullman commented, “It just sounds too sexual.” “I also don’t think she knows how to turn off her caps lock, which amazes me since she’s had like 40 hours of computer classes at the library,” reported Pullman. Sources indicate that Mrs. Pullman in fact does know how to use caps lock but opts to use it so she sounds “jazzed” online. We reached out to Mrs. Pullman for answers regarding her Facebook activity. After being hung up on four times, because she was having trouble with her “iTelephone,” Mrs. Pullman replied with, “I don’t know what all the fuss is about. The Facebook is just for fun! Brian needs lighten up. Oh, this reminds me of the time he peed his pants and cried about it for a week. It was so cute!” However, the final straw was when his grandmother commented, “IS THIS THE GIRL YOU ALWAYS TALK ABOUT” on approximately 10 pictures of Pullman with various girls. Brian deleted his Facebook yesterday in an attempt to escape the virtual hell that has been licking at his heels for the past week. He can only hope that it all blows over and said he will probably reactivate it in a month or so, but he’ll “definitely be defriending that crazy old bat.”

10.) The “Sexy” Slut: Those gals who dressed up as a “sexy” milk maid, or “sexy” nurse, “sexy” Mississippi State trailer park dweller -- really anything with “sexy” preceding it -- do the drunk guy you met in Angel Taxi a favor and just wear it once or twice a month while you’re getting it on. Not only will it really get him going, it’ll undoubtedly boost your diminished self-esteem. As your calves get sore and the blisters begin to form from the dangerous, slutty high heels you bought off Gilt, just remember, your Halloween costume will definitely not go to waste. Well, unless your waist blows up. 9.) The Leather Cat: For the thousands of girls who took the easy way out by drawing cat whiskers on their faces and wearing leather, the best advice for you is to keep the leather jacket and pants stowed away for 365, then go as Trinity from The Matrix next year. The nerds will get it (and by “it,” we mean an erection) and those who don’t will assume you’re that good-looking motorcycle chick from the T-Mobile commercials. 8.) The Lone Luigi: For the ten-or-so hammered dudes out there who dressed up as Luigi without any Mario in sight, use the faux green plumber suit from Party City as a base for your cat’s litter box. Let’s be honest, you were drunk when you bought the costume and drunk when you wore it. The lonely unoriginality of the costume will serve itself nicely with shit all over it. 7.) Too Cool to Dress Up: We all see you over there, Mr. I’m-Too-Cool-To-Dress-Up. You wore jeans and a t-shirt, congrats. Either you’re going to tell people that you dressed up as some character from a 90s sitcom, or you’ll be honest and say you “aren’t that into Halloween.” Take that “Halloween costume” to Goodwill or Salvation Army. Your irony is someone else’s “holy shit, I need these pants.” 6.) The Overtly Manly Man: For those dudes who dressed up as G.I. Joe or Tarzan because you thought it reinforced your masculinity and also gave you a chance to show off your abs, good news! You’ll get the chance to wear your costume at some fraternity swap or date party. Bad news, it was a shitty costume, and it will be in the future, too. 5.) The Cutsie Couple: If you’re in a relationship and your significant other made you dress up as a cutsie Halloween couple, smart move, you avoided some serious arguments. However, the chance of you and your boyfriend or girlfriend wearing those costumes again—hell the chance of you two staying together past Thanksgiving-- is so remote you might as well just sell your costumes as a set. Some other couple will fall into the same trap and you can rid yourself of those shameful Barbie and Ken outfits. 4.) The Stoner: For that one kid who just sat inside on Halloween wearing a 311 shirt, eating Milk Duds, blazing incense and playing Grand Theft Auto V, shame on you. You’re going to regret your Halloween when you realize you fell asleep at 9 p.m. with your dick hanging out of your pants. Take that alleged “costume” and go to sleep, forever. 3.) The Joker Kid: To that one kid who dresses up as the Joker, every damn year, there’s really no helping you. Shut up, your Joker accent is absolutely heinous. Just…just feel shame. 2.) The Toga Kid: Toga kid, we realize you looked at your watch and said, “Oh shit, it’s Halloween.” Return the sheets to your semen riddled bed. That’s gross. 1.) The Cosplayer: We know you guys like to dress up all year round. Now you can take that Thor costume and wear it on Christmas Eve for all we care. That girl who made everyone feel wildly uncomfortable by showing off too much cleavage as Sailor Moon, you can dress up on Fourth of July.

Around campus Send us your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

on the Streets If you could be in any movie and replace any character, what movie would you be in, and who would you be?

nior Amanda, Ju

“Dazed and Confused; I would replace the boy in the car with Matthew McConaughey.”

ior J a m es, Se n

“Caddyshack; I would be the gopher.”

r Alden, Junio

“Salt; I would be Angelina Jolie during the scene when she saves the world.

Y R G! U N X I IV LU L T EN D U ST NOW LEASING FOR 2014! « ConnectionAtOxford.com « 2000 Oxford Way « Oxford, MS « 662.267. 3770 « fb.com/ConnectionOxford « NOW LEASING FOR 2014!

The Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

Happy Hour! Monday-Friday 3-7pm $1.50 16oz. PBR and Coors $1.00 off all Drinks

CHECK OUT OUR AWESOME HALLOWEEN PARTY ON 10/31! DETAILS ON PAGE 4!

thursday

$3.00 Well Drinks $2.00 Coors 16oz Tall Boys

Penny Pitchers 9-10

FRIday

Find us on Facebook at facebook.com theblindpigoxford or follow us on Twitter!

TUES: Happy Hour: $10 Burger & Bottomless Beer Night:

THURSDAY SATURDAY $1 PBR and Keystone Free Power Tower on Birthdays!

NOW SERVING BACK ALLEY BBQ!

Monday! Ladies Night! 3 for 1 Wells, Domestic, House Wines and Mixed Shots

Power Hour (9-10) $1 Shooters $1 Keystone/PBR Cans

$1 PBR and Keystone

2 for 1 Wells til 10:30

Wine Night! $10 All You Can Drink House Wines

Happy Hour 5pm - 9pm: $2 beers, $4 Wells, Penny Pitchers 9-10pm

Live DJ and the Best Party in Oxford!

$1 PBR and Keystone

Check out our great food specials all week long!

Happy Hour All Night!

saturday

Find us on Facebook at facebook.com theblindpigoxford or follow us on Twitter!

Open for lunch: Oxfords Best Burgers & Wings Happy Hour All Day til 9 Penny Pitchers 9-10

Watch All the Games Here!

$1 PBR and Keystone

Check out our great food specials all week long!

Happy Hour All Night!

sunday

Find us on Facebook at facebook.com theblindpigoxford or follow us on Twitter!

Closed

Check out our great food specials all week long!

Restaurant is open 5-9pm

monday

Monday Night Trivia, $2.00 Domestics

$0.25 Cent Wings til 9 Penny Pitchers All Night!

$2 Pitchers and $0.25 Wings

$4 Car Bombs

$3 Wells til 10:30

Ladies Night! 3 for 1 Wells, Domestic, House Wines and Mixed Shots

tuesday

$2.00 Domestics

Tequila Tuesday 2 for $2 Tequila Shots 2 for 1 Margaritas

2 for 1 Wells

$2 Wine

Trivia Night 9:30-Close, $5 to play! $1 PBR

wed.

$3.00 Pints, $5.00 Beer Flight Sampler

$1 PBR & Keystone

Service Industry Night: 10% off for everyone in the service industry. Singer/Songwriter night, $1 off wells, house wines, draft and domestic and $1 shots

Flip Night!

$3 Levee Lemonade, $3 Margaritas $3 Slammers/Lemon Drops

Happy Hour: $10 Burger & Bottomless Beer Night:

$3 Levee Lemonade, $3 Margaritas $3 Slammers/Lemon Drops

Welfare Wednesday: $1 Drafts & $2 Wells 8-10:30

$3 Shots Pool League @ 8pm

WHEREVER YOU NEED TO GO,

AUSTIN TAXI CAN GET YOU THERE

Drinking Game

Recipe for disaster

Pigskins and Puke

Day of the Dead Deep Fry

With football in full swing, everyone’s weekends are filled with television and cases of Bud Light. Sometimes sitting on your ass all day can get a little boring, so here’s a game to play while watching your team of choice with your buddies.

Even if your trick-or-treating days are over, you’re still bound to stock up on candy on Halloween. After a few days of gorging on the sweet stuff, even the comfort of a Snickers bar becomes mediocre. Here’s a way to add a unique crunch to your Halloween candy.

What You’ll Need: A table, a piece of paper, 20 red cups, 4 pencils, paper and pen to keep score, and some beers (duh). Number of Players: Teams of two, and any hot female friends you have to be cheerleaders. Level of Intoxication: Men don’t puke from a few beers, jeeze.

What You’ll Need: A variety of fun-size candy bars, 1 egg, 1 cup of milk, 1 tablespoon of canola oil, 1 cup flour, 1 teaspoon baking powder, and 4 cups of bubbling oil for deep fried goodness. Cook Time: 15 minutes Fatty Factor: Your time at the gym this semester will be wasted on just one of these.

How to Play: - Two teams stand at opposite ends of the table, with your partner at your side. - Each team takes 10 cups and sets them up like a normal pong game. - Fold the piece of paper into a football like you always did every day in middle school. - One team starts by flicking the football at the cups at the other end of the table. The goal is to either land the football inside the cup or knock one off the table. Once this happens, that team is awarded 6 points. - After a touchdown is scored, the opponents lay down two pencils on the table as goalposts. They can be as close or as far apart as they want (minimum 2 inches apart to be fair). The scoring team has one chance to flick their football to land between the pencils. If they can do so, they earn another point. - The team who was just scored on now has to drink. If the extra point was missed, drink for 6 seconds. If the extra point was made, finish your beer. - Keep playing until all the cups on both sides are gone, removing cups pong-style after someone makes a cup or knocks it off the table.

Let’s Get Baked: - Freeze your candy bars for a few hours. - Combine the egg, milk and canola oil in a bowl. - In another bowl, combine flour and baking powder. - Pour the wet ingredients into the dry and whisk. Cover and refrigerate for a few minutes. - Heat the 4 cups of oil to 375 degrees in a deep, heavy pot. - Dip the frozen candy bars into the batter then carefully place into the oil. - Cook until golden brown, drain on paper towels and let cool a little bit before stuffing your face.

Austin Taxi provides prompt, reliable, and clean service all around Oxford. Whether you need to go to the Square, the Airport, or anywhere else, we have you covered.

The Game Ends When: All the cups are gone! Add up the points to see who wins.

download our free app for all the games!

CALL US TODAY: (662) 832-9705 nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com AUSTINTAXIOXFORD.COM

Don’t just stop at candy either. Try Oreos, Twinkies, steaks, leftover pizza. Anything you have.

The Black Sheep’s Guide to the 2014

By :B & r qu e in nd n an

Yo H h e er a u e rd

fi rs t!

TOURNAMENT Whew! What a season it’s been! It seemed like just yesterday we were tipping off the 2013-2014 NCAA Men’s Basketball season with a November 8th slate that saw 138 games pitting the nation’s finest young men against each other. The first night’s go-round immediately became the stuff of legend. How could we forget (insert name)’s stellar performance in an unexpected victory over (insert Nov. 8th upset)? Ah, but that was just the first iconic moment in a season that’ll go down in history as one of college basketball’s best ever. And while those early-season games count, it’s important to look at the recently-ended conference tournaments when filling out your brackets in time for March 18th tip-off in bucolic Dayton, Ohio. Heading into the season sports pundits nationwide considered Michigan State the cream of the Big Ten crop, but with their narrow (win/loss) to cellar dweller (Big Ten school) last Sunday in Indianapolis, is this team coming into the Big Dance as frigid as Michigan’s recently-turned winter, or as hot as (female celebrity)’s latest antics? We say it’s safe to plug Michigan State into your elite eight, but be careful, because if things break like The Black Sheep thinks they will, they’ll be facing a hot (mid-major) team that’s been able to smell the blood in the water for these past three months. Now, we’re not saying we see (mid-major) taking down a well-equipped Spartans squad, but if (mid-major) can put up a gutsy fight midway through the second half, (small school)’s shocking upset of (top-5 team) earlier this year shows just about anything can happen in the waning seconds of a college basketball game. But with Michigan State stronger than it’s been in years, the rest of the Big Ten took a step back this year, with only (number) teams ranked in the national top 25 by season’s end. That’s why we turn to Kentucky, Kansas and surprise top-10 team Kansas State when looking at this year’s true title contenders. The KKK Klan, as The Black Sheep has begun calling them, has taken the nation by storm in different ways. John Calipari’s Wildcat krew has white washed opponents’ defense with a fast-paced offense run through (Kentucky player), while Bill Self’s Kansas squad has rallied around (Kansas player’s) season-ending (body part) injury, rattling off (number) straight wins after his year came to a close as he was carted off during the (date) game against (opponent). Yes, these teams have proven they were on a whole ‘nother level — as if they were a superior group of humans out there on the court, forcing the other players into submission.

The Black Sheep predicts the

2014 NCAA All Americans: The real surprise of the season, of course, was Bruce Weber’s Kansas State squad. Unranked at the beginning of the year, these KSU Wildcats have built a reputation as one of the nation’s nastiest teams, starting with their early-season dismantling of (ranked team) in front of a national audience. Sure, (date) and (date) missteps against soft teams (soft team) and (soft team), respectively, leave room for doubt, but no one in Manhattan, Kansas is doubting this squad. Have no hesitation when penciling them in to your sweet sixteen. And though there are clear lottery picks on stacked big-conference teams, how could we leave out the stellar performances put on by (Pacific northwest school)’s scrappy, three-point gunning, defense-savvy point guard, (name)? This (Canadian city)-born tiny tyrant’s scrappy skill set may inevitably fizzle out in the NBA, but don’t think for a second his high basketball IQ, unmatched hustle, and all-American smile won’t gutsy his team to the third weekend of the tournament. He’s dragged his team this far on sheer willpower, and there’s no reason to think he can’t do it again. While Virginia Commonwealth University has been the nation’s darling for the past several seasons, the midseason brawl between coach Shaka Smart and broadcaster (name) that left the booth man hospitalized and the coach suspended indefinitely will surely hurt the Rams’ chances at postseason success. While college basketball fans are divided as to who to blame for the fight, we’ll never forget Coach Smart’s post-fight speech in which he called (name) a “money grubbing, walking penis who knows nothing about basketball.” Barring reinstatement by the university, consider VCU a one-and-done. Of course, we’d be remiss not to mention the (date) tragedy that saw a hot (school) team lose its entire squad and coaching staff in a horrific plane crash just outside of the Charlotte Douglas International Airport. The nation watched as (team)’s plane slam dunked onto the runway instead of on the court. Just when they were playing their best basketball, too. A wracked fanbase and devastated families will never know what kind of high-flying hoopin’ the nation missed out on. National Championship chances don’t come around every day, and you’d hate to miss out on one due to something like this. The Black Sheep will be the first to tell you that a lot can change between Tournament tip-off and the National Championship trophy hoisted high by one team on April 7th in Arlington, Texas. Just know it’s going to be crazy, and you heard it here first.

First Team: G: Last Name, First (School) G: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School)-Deceased F: Last Name, First (School)

Second Team: G: Last Name, First (School) G: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School)

Third Team: G: Last Name, First (School) G: Last Name, First (School)-Deceased F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School)

m.a.s.h.

LET US PREdict

Best Man: - Louis C.K. - Tim Meadows - Andy Samberg - Nick Offerman

Signature Entree: - Chicken a la king - 7-layer salad - Tuna noodle casserole - Eggplant parmesan

Pulls a Prank by… - Making out with the bride. - Putting ecstasy in the punch. - Releasing 50 kittens onto the dance floor. - Throwing the cake out of the window.

With a Side of… - Dirt dessert - Tequila sunrises - Vegan cornbread - Xanax

Maid of Honor: - Aubrey Plaza - Ellen DeGeneres - Kristen Wiig - Fran Drescher

Cheesy Cover Band: - Dread Zeppelin - Mandonna - Nudist Priest - AC/Dshe

Highlight of her speech is… - Your threesome with a hooker. - Getting tattoos last night. - Doing coke with Bill Clinton. - Streaking in the cafeteria junior year.

Performing your first dance… - “Whatta Man” - “Frosty the Snowman” - “I Am The Walrus” - “C.R.E.A.M.”

your future How to Play: Doodle some lines on the page until someone, or your brain, tells you to stop. Take the number of lines and go down the list, and cross off every time you get to your number. Where there is one left in each catetory, that is your future. Yeah, you remember this from elementary school - don’t pretend like you don’t.

N O W HIRIN W RITING | MARK

ETING | PROMO

APPLY ONLINE AT

G ! TIONS |

SALES

THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Bartender of the Week Relationship status: Single

What is nature’s sexiest animal?: A deer.

Major: Nursing Favorite drink: Anything with Malibu

What’s the stupidest thing you’ve bought off the internet?: A life-proof case.

Favorite shot: Green tree frog Disgusting drink: Jager A child’s laughter makes you...: Smile What’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen?: Funny People

Alex

of Frank & Marlee’s

Drinking Game

How would you spend $1 million in pennies?: Put them in random places to make someone’s day by finding a “lucky penny.”

If you had to have a nickname that involved a piece of fruit, what would your nickname be?: Pineapple. What was the most embarrassing thing you did in grade school?: Fell in a puddle, so everyone thought I peed my pants. If it wasn’t you, then who was it?: A ghost.

Recipe for disaster

Pigskins and Puke

Day of the Dead Deep Fry

download our free app for all the games!

nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com 13

guess the logo

Do you know the brands that all these labels represent? Send us your answers to backpage@theblacksheeponline.com and if youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re right, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll win a sweet prize!

Famous Daves ACROSS 3) Glam rock icon. 4) A book by Charles Dickens, also a sweet magician. 5) Guitarist for Jane’s Addiction and Chili Peppers. 6) Posh Spice’s husband 8) Late-night legend 9) The real person behind Tyrone Biggums 12) Popular techno DJ, who’s real name is Pierre. 13) Founder of Foo Fighters, two words. 14) The Dave in Lady Antebellum 17) He was Under The Table and Dreaming in 1994, two words. 18) David Sedaris’ essay, The what Diaries? Down 1) Author of Infinite Jest, two words.

2) David is the less famous brother of which famous Franco? 4) This Dave was Uncle Joey on Full House 7) Dave Mustaine is the lead singer behind which heavy metal band? 10) This U2 memeber’s real name is David Howell Evans. 11) This David’s TV show is Curb Your what? 15) Dave Thomas founded which fast-food chain? 16) 70s teen heartthrob

crossword

ALL WEEK LONG

THE LEVEE HAS YOU COVERED

MONDAY:

$2 PITCHERS AND $0.25 WINGS

TUESDAY: HAPPY HOUR: $10 BURGER AND BOTTOMLESS BEER NIGHT: $3 LEVEE LEMONADE $3 MARGARITAS $3 SLAMMERS/ LEMON DROPS

WELFARE WEDNESDAY: $1 ANY DRAFT BEER, $2 WELLS 8-10PM

THURSDAY:

POWER HOUR 9-10PM $1 PBR AND KEYSTONE, $1 SHOOTERS

132 COURTHOUSE SQUARE | (662) 513-0588

WEEKLY SPECIALS

NOW SERVING!

BACK ALLEY BBQ Back

Ribs – P

To-Go Orders W

MONDAY

– Appetize r

Smoked BBQ Nachos

$3 Wells until 10:30 p.m.

House fried tortilla chips smothered wit h your pulled pork or smo ked chicken,cheese sauce, an BBQ sauce. $9.00 jalapenos add $.50

TUESDAY

Sausage and Cheese

Smoked sausage wit h cheddar and pepper jack c spears, and jalapen os. $9.00

Bacon Cheese Fries

$2 Wine

Basket of tasty frie

Rebel Nachos

s topped with cheese

and bac

House fried tortilla chips topped with a creamy sa cheese dip. $9.00

WEDNESDAY

Mozzarella Sticks

Battered mozzarell a deep fried served with spicy r dipping sauce. 8.00

$1 PBR and Keystone

– Sandwic he

Regular / Jumbo BBQ

Served with fries.

s –

1/4 # of Hickory smo ked pulled pork wit h slaw / 1/2 # Hickory smoked pul led pork with slaw. 8.00 / 9.00

THURSDAY

Beef Brisket

1008 JACKSON AVE E OXFORD, MISSISSIPPI

Our beef brisket, sea soned and smoked for hours fo smoky flavor and cho pped served on tex as toast. 9.00 Burger

2 for 1 Wells until 10:30 p.m.

Eight ounces of bee f, pickle, onions, lett uce, and tom mustard and mayo on a ciabatta bun. $8.0 0

Bacon Cheese Burger

Eight ounces of bee f, cheddar or pepper jack cheese, a slices of bacon on a ciabatta bun. $9.50

The Don Vito

Chicken breast sautee d with onions and tom atoes in a w wine sauce, provolone cheese, and ranch dre ssing served ciabatta bun. $9.50

The Swog Style Pork