Vol.5, Issue 5
The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
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10/31/13 - 11/13/13
Blowing Up Like You Always Dreamed BY: Barney Thompson Mike Leyer, supposed casualty of a freak car explosion and third year sophomore at Ole Miss, has contacted The Black Sheep in an attempt to get his story out there. Kicking aside the empty bottles on the porch of our HQ, we found a package with a note attached, ransom-style, that contained indisputable evidence as to what exactly happened to Mike on that fateful day, and a number we could use to reach him. A few weeks ago, Mike’s parents saw his midterm grades laying on the table, and flipped out, making demands Mike described as “cray as hell” and “buku bitchy.” “It was crazy man,” said Leyer in a rare interview over the phone, “They were going off, threatening to pull me out of my frat and, like, walk me to class every day. How am I supposed to pull sloots with my mom holding my hand? They didn’t even care about the pot or shrooms just sitting on the counter. As soon as they saw that midterm grade report, nothing else mattered; I could’ve shot a nun in the face with a blunderbuss, a literal blunderbuss, while wearing my mom’s wedding dress and
there would have been no repercussions.” The parents’ shock and disappointment spawned a two hour long intervention where they suggested Mike go to counseling for his poor decision making, noting that it may have stemmed from the aforementioned drugs. They went back and forth arguing what it would take to get him back on the straight and narrow until settling on buying Mike a season of Dr. Phil to watch. Whether it was a Blu-Ray+digital combo and exactly which season could not be confirmed by The Black Sheep. Unwilling to cave to his parents’ demands, Mike hatched a plan that would work out for everyone, more or less; it would mostly work out for him and leave his friends and family in complete emotional distress. “I put like five times the recommended amount of explosives needed to blow up a bank vault right under my car,” said Leyer. Never one to cut corners, he notes, “Taliban ain’t got shit on me! And it’s crazy how easy it
all was: throw a cadaver in the front seat, beat it with a crowbar, and boom, death faked. I cannot recommend this enough to my friends, mainly because they all think I’m dead.” We’ve never let a lead die, so we tracked down some known friends of his to ask what he was like before “passing.” “Mike was a pretty impulsive guy, never really was much of a planner. Sure, it’s a little shocking to hear that he faked his death, but understandable, I mean fall midterms are never a pretty sight.” said Blue Detroit, who swore that his real name was Blue Detroit. We chose to trust him. His girlfriend at the time, Andrea La’bish, was less than thrilled to hear that Mike was, in fact, not dead and had merely faked his death to avoid the consequences of having his grades revealed. “That wasn’t even his car! I let him borrow mine while his was in the shop for an oil change. It was ready like thirty minutes after he blew up! Where is he? I want the address,” said La’bish while
brandishing a large hunting knife. The Black Sheep loves bringing families together almost as much as a free drink, so for the climactic finish, we set up a surprise reunion between son and parents. What followed was a truly heart gripping embrace as the family’s hug slowly morphed into a teary, snotty mess. Mike explained why
he felt what he did was completely reasonable and fiscally responsible, which his parents didn’t agree with but were glad that he was all right. However, the night did hit a speed bump when he stabbed himself in the chest with a prop knife, giving his mother an actual heart attack. The doctors say that Mrs. Leyer
will be just fine and only had a small heart attack that triggered a mild stroke. She should be out in a week after some bed rest. As for Mike, he’ll be moving back into his parents’ house until he gets off his feet, though, “not in the same sense as last time,” Mike jokes, adding that he’ll definitely be putting in the needed effort come midterms next semester.
page 4
page 5
page 6
Ole Miss Student Takes His Own Single Life
United States Holds Garage Sale
Student Accepts Grandma’s Friends Request
He sure was a good time, though, that guy.
But you know michelle is the one making him.
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Immediately regrets it, just like most decisions.