Volume 8
The Black Sheep
F sho REE! Li wer ke w bee ate rs.. r in .dri you nk f r aste r!
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 6
FIRING DAN JONES:
MONEY, CONSPIRACY, AND SHACKER SHIRTS Evan Myers wrote this
Dan Jones, the hero-chancellor of Ole Miss, was fired after allegedly being too popular and well-liked for some jerkoffs. While members of the IHL Board thought no one would give two shits over the move, it appears that they were completely wrong. Between alumni, legislators and every other angry individual with money, a shitstorm is well underway in Oxford. “How in the world could they fire Dan ‘The Man’ Jones? He’s ‘The Man.’ Either that title means something or it means nothing,” Jackson Wilburton, class of 1974, stated. While being “The Man” should translate to eternal job security, it appears that in this case it did not. Mr. Wilburton was hardly the only alumnus angered by the decision. Donors like Archie Manning, Jim Barksdale and Leonard McCoy have all expressed their frustration. While disgruntled ATMs could be considered problematic, one professor claims that we’re all missing the real point. “It’s a goddamn right-wing conspiracy. I don’t care what that board said, it’s just another plot by Governor Bryant to put us all in FEMA camps,” Dr. Fred Tillman, literature professor and author of Basket Weaving With Your Vagina, explained. Conspiracies seem to surround Dan Jones. The chancellor recently survived an assassination attempt by Mississippi State. It was during his recovery from this attempt that the board decided to not continue his contract. We don’t want to add to any rumors, but could it be possible that the board orchestrated the attack in the same way they assassinated President Kennedy.?With lymphoma. Obviously if one could survive a lymphoma attack, they could probably handle a few bureaucrats. Especially if he has his own bureaucrats to fight back. One legislator passed around a petition throughout the Mississippi House of Representatives in support of Dan Jones. While many signed because it was what all the cool legislatures were doing, more than half actually had a conviction over the issue.
“If there’s one thing congresspeople like to do, it’s bloviate and grandstand. I can do both on this issue,” Representative Steve Holland claimed, his eyes shining in the light. “I also like puppies.” While puppies poll well with Ole Miss students, some asshole is bound to hate their cuteness. It’s safe to say that they are the same assholes that fired Dan Jones. However, not everyone was on board with declaring the chancellor Master of The Universe. “He might be a good guy, kinda irrelevant. The IHL wants my outof-state-tuition money to go to other state schools. If I wanted my money to go to Mississippi State I would have bought a damn cowbell,” Dave Martinez, transfer student, stated. Fortunately for The Black Sheep’s ears, Mr. Martinez didn’t purchase a cowbell. Otherwise it would have caused a stampede of State
girls. Which is the last thing this campus needs. “It’s about time someone covered this issue. I have been saying for years that right-wingers are behind everything. They run the banks, the police, the C-Store, and now quite obviously, Ole Miss. If I wasn’t tenured I’d probably stop talking,” Dr. Tillman explained. “It’s like what I tell my students. Just agree with me.” These sentiments led to a massive riot Wednesday afternoon, resulting in hundreds of dead, even more wounded, and a disgruntled sorority girl. “Did they have to spill blood? Yes, but that doesn’t give them the right to spill it on my shacker shirt. I earned this bitch,” Jenny Whitman, of the Theta Phallic Delta sorority, explained.
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