OLE MISS SPRING ISSUE 6 by The Black Sheep

Volume 8

The Black Sheep

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Issue 6

FIRING DAN JONES:

MONEY, CONSPIRACY, AND SHACKER SHIRTS Evan Myers wrote this

Dan Jones, the hero-chancellor of Ole Miss, was fired after allegedly being too popular and well-liked for some jerkoffs. While members of the IHL Board thought no one would give two shits over the move, it appears that they were completely wrong. Between alumni, legislators and every other angry individual with money, a shitstorm is well underway in Oxford. “How in the world could they fire Dan ‘The Man’ Jones? He’s ‘The Man.’ Either that title means something or it means nothing,” Jackson Wilburton, class of 1974, stated. While being “The Man” should translate to eternal job security, it appears that in this case it did not. Mr. Wilburton was hardly the only alumnus angered by the decision. Donors like Archie Manning, Jim Barksdale and Leonard McCoy have all expressed their frustration. While disgruntled ATMs could be considered problematic, one professor claims that we’re all missing the real point. “It’s a goddamn right-wing conspiracy. I don’t care what that board said, it’s just another plot by Governor Bryant to put us all in FEMA camps,” Dr. Fred Tillman, literature professor and author of Basket Weaving With Your Vagina, explained. Conspiracies seem to surround Dan Jones. The chancellor recently survived an assassination attempt by Mississippi State. It was during his recovery from this attempt that the board decided to not continue his contract. We don’t want to add to any rumors, but could it be possible that the board orchestrated the attack in the same way they assassinated President Kennedy.?With lymphoma. Obviously if one could survive a lymphoma attack, they could probably handle a few bureaucrats. Especially if he has his own bureaucrats to fight back. One legislator passed around a petition throughout the Mississippi House of Representatives in support of Dan Jones. While many signed because it was what all the cool legislatures were doing, more than half actually had a conviction over the issue.

“If there’s one thing congresspeople like to do, it’s bloviate and grandstand. I can do both on this issue,” Representative Steve Holland claimed, his eyes shining in the light. “I also like puppies.” While puppies poll well with Ole Miss students, some asshole is bound to hate their cuteness. It’s safe to say that they are the same assholes that fired Dan Jones. However, not everyone was on board with declaring the chancellor Master of The Universe. “He might be a good guy, kinda irrelevant. The IHL wants my outof-state-tuition money to go to other state schools. If I wanted my money to go to Mississippi State I would have bought a damn cowbell,” Dave Martinez, transfer student, stated. Fortunately for The Black Sheep’s ears, Mr. Martinez didn’t purchase a cowbell. Otherwise it would have caused a stampede of State

girls. Which is the last thing this campus needs. “It’s about time someone covered this issue. I have been saying for years that right-wingers are behind everything. They run the banks, the police, the C-Store, and now quite obviously, Ole Miss. If I wasn’t tenured I’d probably stop talking,” Dr. Tillman explained. “It’s like what I tell my students. Just agree with me.” These sentiments led to a massive riot Wednesday afternoon, resulting in hundreds of dead, even more wounded, and a disgruntled sorority girl. “Did they have to spill blood? Yes, but that doesn’t give them the right to spill it on my shacker shirt. I earned this bitch,” Jenny Whitman, of the Theta Phallic Delta sorority, explained.

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DATES YOU SHOULD TOLERABLE PEOPLE ON

TOP 10: TYPES OF PROFESSORS YOU’LL ENCOUNTER DURING UNDERGRAD

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CARTOONIST Anja Kathleen

Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?

INSEXTURED SERVANT A person who, after screwing up a relationship, is kept around for sex to make up for it.

JAMES KICKSTAND

After cheating on me with that slut Kara, I made him my insextured servant. He owes me so many orgasms he’ll never get out of it.

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SEXY TIME

DATES YOU SHOULD TAKE TOLERABLE PEOPLE ON

Winter came and spring is here, which means we have roughly five days and sixteen hours before the temperatures of Mississippi summer drive us all underground for fear of fatal heat stroke. Luckily for you, we’re here to offer some ways to spend that time as enjoyably as you can with your favorite not-completely-annoying person by your side. Obviously, no one at The Black Sheep is capable of being loved, so we’re just assuming these are fun things to do with other human creature things.

King Jxxky wrote this

Picnic in The Grove The pride and joy of our beautiful campus. This time of year you can find it full of blissful lovebirds taking time out of their hectic class loads to stop and smell the flowers. It’s truly refreshing to see that in a generation where monogamy is an archaic idea and true love is mocked that there are some sweethearts left in the world. It should absolutely be noted that there is an incredibly high chance of you being attacked by a swarm of bees, wasps, and every other insect that exists only to ruin your day.

Walking through the woods around Rowan Oaks Often overlooked is the beauty of Rowan Oaks. You can take a walk through the historic home of Faulkner then enjoy the beautifully preserved woods surrounding his home. You can stay on the wellworn trails or venture off the beaten path and carve your own way through this wacky thing we call love. There’s really no wrong way to go about it, plus you’ll seem way cultured to that cutie on your arm. Isn’t it all about seeming way cultured to that cutie on your arm?

An intimate night on The Square Sure, The Square has a reputation for being a rowdy mecca of substance abuse, but it can also be the perfect setting for a quiet night with that special little humanoid in your life. You two could settle into a booth at the downstairs bar or look out over the hustle and bustle of everything from the City Grocery balcony. This is also the perfect time to drop a super deep line like, “Doesn’t it all make you feel so small?” BAM. Someone’s gonna need to change their pants after that one.

Take them out for coffee at our friendly local High Point Don’t you hate those awkward lulls in conversation? You guys were having such a moment, then you make one joke about babies and ovens and you’re suddenly a psychopath. That’s where the magic of caffeine comes in. Toss a few extra shots of espresso in both of your drinks and the only problem you’ll run into is forgetting to breath while you both divulge the details of your life.

So, there ya go. We just gave you four of the dankest date ideas you could possibly imagine. Only you couldn’t imagine them because we just had to do that for you. It’s cool though, we’re totally just here to serve others and circle jerk about how totes elite we are. Your spring love life would be straight donkey doodie boring without us. You’re incredibly welcome; please stop praising us because we hate blushing. The red really pops on our pale, decrepit, unloved faces. Here’s to you, kid.

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PRETTY TULIPS COME ALIVE, CAMPUS-WIDE RAMPAGE ENSUES Broken Hairdryer wrote this

from the top of the building like the offspring of a beautiful ninja and the Pokémon Roselia and beat them into a pulp. When they were found, their wallets had been stolen along with all of their shitty beer. “At first I thought it was a flying vagina and that all my prayers had been answered,” said tulip victim Daniel Jacobs. “I realized I was wrong when it shoved a bulb in my urethra when I refused to give it my iPhone 6.” Jacobs is expected to make a painful, but full recovery. The epidemic has spread since then. Dozens of tulips have been blindly pummeling anyone they come across. Reportedly, $13,000 has been stolen in total from students across campus. It’s truly shocking how much a tulip can carry in its tiny leaf arms.

CODE RED, CODE RED. DO NOT COME TO CAMPUS. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR DORM. The pretty tulips the university spends the entire math department’s tuition on have come alive.

The tulips seem to have mutated by campus water, which has been known to change the hair color of students living on campus. It comes as no shock that that’s what has caused this particular doomsday.

“It sounds cute. It is not. This is some real Walking Dead-type shit. These tulips are seriously hard AF,” freshman Clara Fye said. “Like, I don’t know how we’re going to do field days if tulips are stealing all the hunch punch.”

When asked to comment the university said, “Wait, our water doesn’t come from the city? Holy shit! Where is the water coming from?”

The first incident occurred Wednesday at 3:45 a.m. behind Brown Hall. A group of freshmen were drinking and laughing because campus police hadn’t caught them yet when suddenly, a tulip dropped

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Authorities are unsure as to the motives of the tulips, however one was reported to be screaming, “I’m gonna buy a yellow bitch!” Vague, but it can only be assumed that the tulips want to buy more tulips in order to reproduce. Like a sort of tulip sex slave trade. Or maybe the tulips are incredibly racist (speciesist? whatever). Either scenario is truly horrifying. The university has set up procedures to deal with the invasion. Do not leave your dorm if possible; the card machines have been shut down to keep the tulips from using students’ ID cards to get in. So once you’re out of your dorm, you’re out. Bye. Do not use the sidewalks, the tulips have been placing dry ice bombs beside them and setting them off when people run by. Firearms, while effective, are not permitted on campus and you will be fined. Machetes are, however, acceptable forms of protection and are often necessary to navigate the Mississippi wilderness The O.U.T. buses have been shut down for the time being. The tulips were using them to spread their evil and spermyspores all over campus. It’s suspected that one of the busses may be in the tulips’ possession or it may be at Jerry’s house. He’s always driving the bus home with him to save money on gas. The university hopes the National Guard will intervene soon. Class is not cancelled; if you do not attend you will be marked absent.

SO SAD...

THE TOP TEN

Types of Professors You Will Encounter in Undergrad We’ve all had a professor or two where you’re like “Wow, how are you a person?” We’ve also all had a prof where you were like “Wow, you’re the best kind of person.” The Black Sheep has a list of the top ten types of professors you’ll have so you’ll know you’re not alone.

SPRING RUSH: A GREEK TRAGEDY Some Rejected Bitter Freshman wrote this

While we are all successful srat betches in the sorority of life, not every freshman makes it through fall recruitment. That’s what I keep telling myself. That brings us to a sad springtime life of geedery. But does it have to be? There is an endangered mystical creature that slumps around campus in the shadows. We call this beast Spring Rush. For everyone who just wasn’t good enough, for everyone who’s been working tirelessly with a personality coach—which is totes a thing—THIS IS OUR YOUR TIME. Maybe. We can’t confirm Spring Rush exists. Like, we think it’s a thing but stuff isn’t adding up. One young lady came forward with a Spring Rush sighting, but for safety reasons she didn’t want us to disclose her identity. She told us lots of gibberish. We think she was frightened. She then scurried into a corner and proceeded to cry. Later we were approached by a representative from Phi Alpha Kappa Epsilon. She said that Spring Rush is, in fact, a myth and therefore we should give up all of our hopes and dreams. This really hurt our feelings. A guy, uh, let’s call him Boo Boo Sampson, said he saw Spring Rush happen once when his chakras were loose. He said he perceived things. The signs are lots of girls talking in squeaky voices and jumping in circles. There will be a calm in the air that reeks of desperation and crushed happiness with a gentle hint of bottom-shelf red wine. Girls can be found hiding in trees having panic attacks, because sorority life is THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS. Seriously though sororities, why did you cut me? I was in counseling for six months to get over it. Just accept me. Please? All I want is to be your sisters. We TOTALLY sent someone undercover into an anonymous sorority. Our covert operation gave us the inside scoop—yeah that’s it! Spring Rush is actually a religious sacrifice to the Dark Lord Sratan. The rushees are spilled of some bodily fluids and brainwashed to forget the ritual occurred. So next time you think your life would be better if you were wearing some letters, you’re wrong. Saved your life there. You’re welcome. This is shocking and pretty scary. We contacted the office of the dean, but they only responded with threats and strange winks. We were going to call Chancellor Jones, but then we got sad and figured he had enough to worry about at the moment. Next time your friends go to their srat houses, call them in an hour and make sure they aren’t dead. Naturally, you should do this anyway because the world is cold and calculating. If you’re as shocked and utterly appalled as we are, good. We like you for who you are and not just because your dad has a cabin in Aspen. Although, we’d totally go there with you if you asked us. Please ask us. Besides, at the end of the day, the student population is only like 70% Greeks on this campus. Being part of groups is fun, but we should really all embrace our inner special snowflake, or you know, try really, really hard to fit in and not be judged. Words hurt, but you don’t have to.

10.) The Hippie: This is either your environmental studies professor or teaches some obscure literature class. Flaming liberal. Do not engage them in political discussion. On the plus side, they have class outside when it’s nice out and they accept just about any excuse for late work or absences. Your final will be discussion-based. 9.) The Professional: Wishes they were heading up archeological teams in South America. Now they’re stuck teaching Antiquities 102 to a bunch of frat daddies who don’t give a shit. There will be no syllabus, no assigned reading, just slideshows of their last trip to Peru. 8.) The New Kid: Ah, the first year professor. This professor means well. But they will have the most strict attendance policy, the most in-depth reading assignments, and they will actually write a final with the intent of it taking up the full four-hour slot. Fuck this guy. 7.) The Overqualified: Before The Overqualified descended from the heavens to teach your worthless ass, they were at the top of their field. They have written every dissertation worth knowing in your chosen degree, they’ve met your personal idols, and they have done everything you someday hope to do. You cradle your class notes to your chest when you sleep at night. 6.) The One Who Thinks They are Overqualified: This professor will take every opportunity to remind you of the one time they were published in that obscure journal you’ve never heard. When you ask a question in class, they will respond with a chuckle and put on their best condescending tone as they tell you, “You only would think that because you don’t know any better.” Fuck this guy, also. 5.) The “Oh No They Didn’t!”: They seem normal until, one day, they drop a bomb in class. Suddenly, your mild-mannered prof has transformed into a raging sexist. Everyone is too shocked to respond, so the whole class just sits slack-jawed for the rest of the semester. 4.) Mom/Dad: This professor is the full-on replacement for the parents you left at home. This Mom/ Dad is the person who will give you advice on academic and personal issues and sometimes even bake you cookies because you had a bad week. Treasure them. 3.) The Mentor: Just as beloved as the Mom/Dad, The Mentor is someone who gets it. They won’t bullshit you, but will prepare you for what’s ahead both through what they teach in the class and through their own personal experience. 2.) The Total Hottie McHotterson: You never understood the allure of sleeping with professors … until now. They ask what you want out of the class, you think “For you to ravage me atop a pile of freshman midterms.” You never miss their class and actually go to office hours. Pure. Unadulterated. Lust. 1.) The TA: You know this class has a professor; you’ve just never seen them. So who is actually in charge of this class? Caitlin Kennedy wrote this

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Residence Hall Holds Annual

Intramural Softball Draft

ley wrote this Shane Tol As spring finally rolls around, so does the annual Reynolds Residence Hall intramural softball game in which two residential advisors coach teams of freshmen residents who are into that kind of thing. Thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s an impressive pool of students this year, and only four or five of them had to be brutally pressured, begged, or threatened with conduct referrals by their R.A. to participate.

THE COACHES 4th Floor—Bryan In his second year as an R.A., Bryan has done some impressive work establishing himself as just another one of the guys who’s “just here to make sure everyone has a good time.” He made his first major impact when he made Pokémon-themed nametags to put outside of every student’s room. A first-time softball coach, he’s looking to put a team together than can “have fun out there because that’s what matters!” 2nd Floor—Tara A fifth year senior whose been the 2nd floor R.A. for four years now, Tara has won this game two years running and doesn’t intend to lost in her final year as coach. Known for her stern but fair leadership style, Tara has led the residence hall in write-ups and conduct referrals during each year as resident advisor.

caught up with him after the exciting news, and almost speechless, all he had to say was: “I just thought this was a line for free pizza.” It’ll be exciting to see the impact he makes on the field! “Does this mean there’s no pizza?” said Darryl, ready to take on the challenge! 6th Pick, 4th Floor: Regina R. Key Attribute: Jesus Christ, our lord and savior “I really want to thank God for this, I couldn’t have done it without Him,” Regina said upon making it down the stairs and into the dorm lobby where the draft took place. When learning of her selection as the 6th overall pick, she clutched her Bible and said, “I’m going to be looking to Him when we send those godless 2nd floor sinners off the field in tears. Amen.” 7th Pick, 2nd Floor: Randy C. Key Attributes: Motivated, team player Hysterically laughing after being drafted by Tara with the 7th pick, Randy pointed in his friend Wilson’s “stupid fucking face” and bragged about how he only joined this intramural game to piss off Wilson, who genuinely really loves playing softball.

13th Pick, 2nd Floor: Joanna F. Key Attributes: Loves softball! Tara grabs a steal here as everyone knows that Joanna loves the game of softball. Interestingly enough, that’s all anyone knows about Joanna as she never talks about anything else and wears her high school uniform almost everywhere she goes. When asked about her feelings regarding the upcoming game, Joanna simply replied, “Softball!” 14th Pick, 4th Floor: Trevor R. Key Attribute: “Obvious leader” “I think I’m an ideal pick and the obvious leader of this team,” said Trevor after having thirteen other freshmen drafted ahead of him. “Me and my team—we’re gonna work hard, play hard, and most of all have fun—that’s what it’s all about.” 15th Pick, 2nd Floor: Ayesha Q. Key Attribute: New shoes “Listen, I just need a reason to wear these tennis shoes I bought a few months ago,” Ayesha said after being selected near the end of the draft. By joining this team, she hopes to finally get some use out of the $139 Nikes she bought in August because she was going to “train for a marathon.”

1st Pick, 2nd Floor: Danny Y. Key Attributes: Dedication, aggression, owns 8 pairs of Oakleys With the first pick of the draft Tara goes with Danny from the third floor. Danny’s made a name for himself in Reynolds Hall for calling every foul during pick-up basketball games, demanding that volleyball games be played to Olympic regulations, and getting into fights at Little League baseball games.

8th Pick, 4th Floor: Wilson Key Attributes: Currently pissed off

2nd Pick, 4th Floor: Ben C. Key Attribute: Glove ownership

9th Pick, 2nd Floor: Brianna O. Key Attributes: 383 Instagram followers

Karen from your work told you this sounded like “a lot of fun,” so she’s here.

“Ben was an easy choice,” said 4th floor coach Bryan, “he’s the only person I know who owns a baseball glove.” Ben, a 4th floor native, has long owned that raggedy glove that got him drafted this early on.

It’ll be interesting to see how Tara’s authoritarian leadership style meshes with Brianna’s only admitted interest towards this game to be “for the Instagram opportunities.” When we caught up with her, Brianna asked reporters, “Do you think the uniforms will work with Valencia?”

17th Pick, 2nd Floor: Craig A. Key Attribute: Team player, hidden traumas waiting to be mined

“I only brought that glove to school so my dad would think I’m into sports,” said Ben. 3rd Pick, 2nd Floor: Brock D. Key Attributes: Unused cleats, claims to “know the other football players” “Yeah I thought I’d go ahead and play in this little game even though I am on the football team,” said Brock who joined the football team as a walk-on last fall and has yet to be assigned a jersey or a number. “I’ll try to take it easy on them, you know, because I’m on the football team—and yes I really am ON the team, Brad,” said the guy whose primary position on the football team so far has been to keep the locker room clean. 4th Pick, 4th Floor: Frank L. Key Attributes: “Everything” -Frank Frank is constantly going on about how good he is at softball ever since he learned about this game. Frank is a multitalented prospect, as just last week he was telling everyone that he’s an “amazing singer” who can sing in 3 octaves, and a week before that insisting that he’s fluent in French but refused to do so because he “doesn’t have anything to prove to you.” 5th Pick, 2nd Floor: Darryl E. Key Attribute: Hunger to win What a day for Darryl, being taken this early on in the draft. We

“Goddammit,” Wilson said as he walked to the 4th floor team side of the room just moments after his friend Randy was chosen before him. “All I wanted to do was play softball and not have to hear Randy talk about how pointless it is.”

10th Pick, 4th Floor: Susie Q. Key Attributes: A dog named ‘Plaid’ Fourth floor coach Bryan goes with the oddly quirky and eccentric, yet somehow charming Susie Q., who’s real name is Debbie but she thinks it just fails to “capture her spirit.” In order to draft Susie, Bryan had to agree to allow her to create her uniform out of old thrift store bits and used newspaper. 11th Pick, 2nd Floor: Blake C. Key Attribute: Connections with every club on campus With the second pick of the second round, Tara made the tough call to select Blake C., who’ll have to fit the game into his busy schedule alongside Student Government Association, Pre-Law Club, Campus Thespians, Alphi Phi Omega, and set aside his quest to capture Joseph Kony as president of The Invisible Children. 12th Pick, 4th Floor: Eric T. Key Attribute: Desperation A risky pick here by Bryan, going with the loner from the first floor, Eric T, who was ecstatic after being selected with the 12 pick overall. “Eric’s a good kid,” Bryan said, “just a little shy. I think this’ll be a great chance for him to make some new friends.” Tara was equally excited about the pick saying, “Thank god, that kid’s a loser.”

The shoes have yet to been taken out of the box. 16th Pick, 4th Floor: Karen from work Key Attribute: “Just here to have fun”

“Cool!” said Craig upon being drafted, completely content with his team and whatever position he’ll be playing. Craig is an immensely friendly, outgoing guy with a 4.0 GPA, comes from a very tight-knit family, and is more than likely hiding something very, very dark from the rest of the world. “This’ll be fun,” said Craig. 18th Pick, 4th Floor: John Key Attribute: N/A John is okay. He’s not stupid but also not very smart. He’s not particularly funny, good-looking, athletic, or popular, but he’s not the worst. He’s a communication major, or something like that.

Danny Y. and his Oakleys were a lock as the first pick since last summer.

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BARTENDER OF THE WEEK

AUSTIN HEATON AT THE ROUND TABLE

Major: Finance and real estate Favorite Drink: Vodka water with a hint of lime Favorite Shot: Jagermeister Disgusting Drink: Tequila sunrise What’s the best drink to have after a good cry?: A bottle of Rich and Rare What is $3 champagne better for than $20 champagne?: They taste the same to me. As long as it gets the job done. Who is our nation’s noblest drunk?: Sam Adams What Hall of Fame do you most deserve to be in?: High School Hero of Chess Team Give us a budget ballin’ date dinner menu:

500 dollars of Taco Bell off of the Dollar Menu, she can have whatever she wants. In sexual base running, what is an inside-the-park home run?: A one night-stand in fifteen minutes. If you were stuck in a karaoke battle with an alien to save humanity, which song would you perform, and why?: “It’s Raining Men,” because the song is pure gold. Why should people read TheBlack Sheep?: It’s the best newspaper in Oxford, probably Mississippi in general.

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

RETOX

THE ORIGINAL HAMBURGER

So you decided to take it easy for a little bit after a particularly brutal spring break. All’s going well until Dianne finds out Eric’s been cheating on her, and she needs just…like, a night to feel ALIVE, you know? But, you haven’t worn your drinking shoes for a while. So, it’s time to retox.

With, well, less ass-cold weather, we’re in the midst of a grilling season renaissance. College campuses are seeing non-skunky smoke rise from porches and balconies everywhere. But what are you, the broke college student to do? You can’t afford ketchup OR mustard. Lean back on Louie’s—the first burger in America—recipe to give you all the authenticity your grub needs.

What You’ll Need: A bottle of whatever hard liquor traditionally leaves you the least hungover, a non-alcoholic drink that works as both a chaser and a mixer, two dice, a pint glass, a rocks glass and a shot glass.

What You’ll Need: 1lb hamburger meat, white bread, cheese slices, tomato, onion

Number of Players: You can fly solo, or para un amigo o dos amigos.

Cook Time: Get the grill goin’, then like, 10 minutes. Fatty Factor: Hey, you can’t afford mayo either, so it’s not that bad.

How To Play: - The game is played by rolling dice and drinking based on the results of the dice rolls. - Players take turns, and a player’s drink must be finished before he can go again, though there’s not a huge rush or anything, you know man? - A player rolls both dice at once and follows the results below: - If a player rolls a 2, he must do a straight shot of liquor, no chaser. - If a player rolls a 12, he must drink a double in a rocks glass with a splash of chaser, no ice. - If a player rolls a 3 or 11, he must drink a shot with a chaser. - If a player rolls a 4 or 10, he must drink a rocks glass with a shot and as much chaser of his choosing. - If a player rolls 5-9, he must drink a pint glass with 1 shot and as much chaser as he chooses.

Let’s Get Baked: - Start your grill—do what you gotta do. So, either fire up that gas, or light some charcoal and, uh…watch it. - While your grill is getting hot, literally season your meat with salt and pepper. Form into 4 equally-sized patties. - Toast 8 pieces of bread. - Check your grill—you don’t want to have a fire that ends up with a lot of dead people. Or, even 1 dead person. - If your grill is ready—like, really hot—toss on your burgers. - Slice your tomato. - After 5 minutes, flip ‘em. - Slice your onion. - Your burgers are now done. Good job, you did it. Take ‘em off the grill and let them rest for 5 minutes. - Assemble the burger components minutes the meat. NO KETCHUP, YOU HEAR ME, DIEGO? - After the meat’s rested, finish the sandwich. Do not give one to Diego.

The Game Ends When: You find your pants the next morning.

A burger that doesn’t just taste like ketchup, who knew? Well, some old dead guy from Connecticut did. So you can thank him.

Level of Intoxication: ALL ABOARD THE HANGOVER EXPRESS!

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THE POPSTARS CROSSWORD ACROSS

3) Charli XCX’s real first name. 5) Demi Lovoto was diagnosed with this disorder during her 2010 stint in treatment. 6) Mariah Carey expresses this holiday as her favorite. 8) This first season winner of American Idol, two words. 9) This pop star will release her 13th album Rebel Heart in early 2015. 10) Ariana Grande was born in this city, two words. 14) Katy Perry got her start singing this type of music as a teenager. 15) Taylor Swift infamously pulled her music from this music streaming service.

DOWN

1) Iggy Azalea moved to the United States from this country in 2006. 2) This popular English singer sadly joined “The 27 Club” in July 2011. 4) This pop star’s real name is Stefani Germanotta, two words. 6) Britney Spears was the star of this 2002 cult-film. 7) Whitney Houston is the only artist to chart this many consecutive Number 1 Billboard Hot 100 hits. 8) This pop star recently took the $ out of her name. 9) Adele was originally offered a recording contract by being discovered on this social media site. 11) Miley Cyrus put this type of dancing on the map. 12) Blue Ivy is this star’s child. 13) This pop star comes from New Zealand, and broke out in 2013.

WE’LL PREPARE FOR SPRING BREAK... GET READY FORYOU A WILD WEEKEND!

THELEVEE LEVEE THE

ROUNDTABLE ROUNDTABLE

MONDAY MONDAY

THURSDAY THURSDAY

$0.25WINGS, WINGS,$1 $1OFF OFFALL ALL ALCOHOL ALCOHOL (3(3- -8)8) $0.25 PITCHERS (8 - 12) $2$2PITCHERS 12)

$5$5 CHICKEN FINGER BASKET & FRIES, CHICKEN FINGER BASKET & FRIES, $1$1 OFFOFF ALLALL ALCOHOL (3 - 8)(3 - 8) ALCOHOL 2-FOR-1 WELLS, DOMESTICS & SHOOTERS (8 - 10)(8 - 10) 2-FOR-1 WELLS, DOMESTICS & SHOOTERS $2 $2 CHAMPAGNE (7-11PM) CHAMPAGNE (7-11PM)

TUESDAY TUESDAY $10BURGER BURGER&&BOTTOMLESS BOTTOMLESS BEER, $10 BEER, OFFALL ALLALCOHOL ALCOHOL (3 $1$1OFF (3--8) 8) 2-FOR-1WELLS WELLS&&SHOOTERS SHOOTERS (8 2-FOR-1 (8--12) 12)

WEDNESDAY WEDNESDAY 2-FOR-1APPETIZERS APPETIZERS&&$3 $3 WELL WELL WHISKEY, 2-FOR-1 WHISKEY, 1 OFFALL ALLOTHER OTHERALCOHOL ALCOHOL (3 $ 1$ OFF (3--8)8) $2 WELLS & $1 DRAFTS(8(8- 11:15) - 10) $2 WELLS & $1 DRAFTS

FRIDAY FRIDAY 2-FOR-1 SPICY CHICKEN 2-FOR-1 SPICY CHICKEN SANDWICHES, $1 OFF ALL ALL ALCOHOL (3 - 8)(3 - 8) SANDWICHES, $1 OFF ALCOHOL

SATURDAY SATURDAY HAPPY HOUR: $1 OFF ALL ALL ALCOHOL (3 - 8)(3 - 8) HAPPY HOUR: $1 OFF ALCOHOL

HAPPY HOUR - FRIDAY! - FRIDAY! HAPPYMONDAY HOUR MONDAY $2 DOMESTICS, $3 IMPORTS, $4 WELLS,$4$1WELLS, OFF TOP$1SHELF $2 DOMESTICS, $3 IMPORTS, OFF TOP SHELF MONDAY THURSDAYTHURSDAY MONDAY

$6 HALF$6 SLAB OF SLAB RIBS, OF RIBS, HALF $3 FIREBALL $3 FIREBALL

TUESDAY TUESDAY

HALF PRICE HALFQUESADILLAS, PRICE QUESADILLAS, $2 HOUSE $2WINE HOUSE WINE

WEDNESDAY WEDNESDAY

2 SANDWICHES FOR $10,FOR $10, 2 SANDWICHES $3 WELL$3WHISKEY DRINKS DRINKS WELL WHISKEY

HALF PRICEHALF APPETIZERS UNTIL 7PM, UNTIL 7PM, PRICE APPETIZERS 2 FOR 1 WELLS FROM 7-10:30PM 2 FOR 1 WELLS FROM 7-10:30PM

FRIDAY

$8 BREW AND $8CUE BREW AND CUE (BBQ SANDWICH, BEER AND FRIES) (BBQ SANDWICH, BEER AND FRIES)

! ! S S L L E E B B E E R R GOGO