The Black Sheep
F th REE is ... in lik te gr e ha at ve io n you ne ws hea ?! rd WE ab HAV ou EN t 'T.
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 3, Issue 6 10/11/12 -10/17/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_om
An Approach to Not Being an Ass barney thompson wrote this
Your first college party is something to remember, in the sense that you won’t remember it. Before you start poppin’ off about how you kicked the field goal that won your high school the division - you’re practically a “goddamn national treasure” - take a minute and think about all the different ways your night could go terribly wrong. Your début on the party scene is what defines you, there’s not enough damage control in the world to counteract punching the paraplegic deaf girl in the face while singing “You get knocked down but don’t get up again,” so make an impression on your fellow party-goers that says you won’t assault the disabled. To make sure you don’t blow every possible chance at a socially active college experience let me help you not be a total ass at your first party by walking you through the Triple-D approach. The three D’s being: Dressing, Drinking, and Dancing. Master these three subjects and you’ll become something more than just a man; you’ll become an Ole Miss legend. Dressing: Number one rule, before you even think about shots or mixers, is to get the right attire. You’re not Judd Nelson, and John Hughes is not directing your life, so ditch the trench coat and fingerless gloves. If you’re going to a frat party, toss on some flat-front khakis and a shirt with a collar with validation stitched to your chest, easily purchased on The Square. Anything red or blue with our beloved Colonel Reb on it will net you big frat daddy points. If you’re going to a “rave” of sorts at The Lyric then toss on some neons and grab the glow-sticks, anticipate leaving as a sweaty mess that resembles a walking mop more than the shambling human you are; dress in clothes you don’t mind destroying. Don’t worry about showing Rebel pride here, just feel the bass and good vibes. If you’re not sure what kind of environment you’re going to be at then dress in the middle, blue jeans and a casual button up. Now let me contradict everything I’ve told you, make sure you’re comfortable and confident in what you wear. Drinking: Okay, you don’t look like complete shit now. Let’s keep that momentum rolling into the next segment. It may seem like everyone is drinking whatever gets thrown in front of them, because they are. You’re average Ole Miss student is more or less an alcoholic goat, except the student consumes whatever’s inside the can. That’s the difference between them and you though, so stop staring at them like you’re watching NatGeo and initiate substance absorption. Make a quick assessment of what’s being offered. Depending on the place it could be anything from warm Natty Light to shots of Everclear. While we’re on the topic, only shoot Everclear if you
Large Impersonal Classes: Best Way to Learn Well, to learn where your slampiece is hanging out.
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have a firm grasp on what exactly you’re committing to, if you’re a Timmy TwoBeer or WineCooler Willy then stick to mixing your flavored Bacardi with Cran-Apple Ocean Spray. You won’t be doing anyone any favors by throwing back five shots of Everclear followed by an evening of punching a full length mirror cause he’s trying to jack your party swag, throwing a pledge off of the balcony - everyone calls him Hawk so he was asking for it anyway - followed by using your laptop as a toilet before tomahawking it into the face of your R.A. and screaming, “Humiliation!” To summarize, this is your first of many big college throw-downs at one of the top party schools in the nation; watch how much you’re drinking, stop when you need to stop, and don’t throw electronics and/or people. Dancing: You’re not Kevin Bacon so stop dancing out your emotions like you’ve got a boner for the preacher’s daughter. Dancing is a free-form art these days, so even you can get by as a master of physical rhythm. A quick way to supplement natural talent is to compensate with more drinking, try to be at least three to four
what’s inside
drinks into the night before making a statement on the dance floor; its best for everyone involved. The next part will undoubtedly be the hardest, finding a woman who not only acknowledges your existence but doesn’t respond to your hello with a facial expression of someone watching the cross-breeding of a Great Dane and Dachshund - yeah, that exists; it gets messy. Don’t worry, not all of them have seen a Great Dachshund. Make a quick scan of the party, find a girl you think is in your league and try to formulate your words into something that she might reply to with a yes. As you’re thinking of a good ice breaker, try to avoid anything that references something of yours “smashing” into something of hers; mace is exceptionally cheap these days and UM has taught everyone how to use it. Seeing as how you’ve made it this far without shitting on anyone’s shoes you must have applied the Triple-D approach flawlessly, making you an Ole Miss legend. Congratulations, kid, you didn’t screw it up.
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YOLO stamped on your back is a lot less cute in the daylight.
David from Irie wouldn't mind being Taken by Liam Neeson.