The Black Sheep
F st REE. on .. L er ike 's 4/2 sign 0 p in et g a iti on .
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 6 • 4/18/13 -5/1/13
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_om
a hazy vision of the immediate future Barney Thompson wrote this With the 20th of April just around the corner, you might be experiencing a bit of a head change soon. During said head change, you’re gonna think of some exceptionally terrible thoughts that you should really be ashamed of; Gam-Gam would be so disappointed. Though, what Gam-Gam doesn’t know won’t hurt her anymore than that shoddy hip replacement. So how ‘bout you slow your roll and we Christmas Carol you through some of what's to come? Rad. 11:00 a.m., 20th of April What better way to cure your Friday night alcohol cleanse than to start the 20th strong? For the past hour nothing but reggae and a steady flow of smoke have emanated from your apartment. Your neighbors are tired of it and your friends are tired of it. Nobody actually likes reggae that much, it pretty much only exists so you can pretend you’re in a commercial for an island resort, and not driving through north Mississippi in 100-degree weather. 12:05 p.m., 20th of April Barely past noon and you’re already at a [10], because it’s both a marathon and a sprint. While 4/20 is both of those, you should really stop crawling backwards on the floor and yelling “wub-wub” to the rhythm of what you think is Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing.” It’s really ruining the raw, immersive story telling of FernGully. 4:21 p.m., 20th of April The shame train’s at full speed now. The most important circle of the day and you sprinted to the bathroom after one hit. There isn’t enough mouth wash in a cheating dentist’s bathroom to get you back in rotation. Way to hold your shit. 8:00 p.m., 20th of April You’ve surrendered all control of your body to the hunger. In a corner booth at Coop De Ville you sit before a table of devastated food, mad-eyed and ordering two more Bacon Rancheros with extra bacon and extra ranchero. One bite into the Bacon Ranchero that would humble even the Based God, and you’re tasting the rainbow. Again. There are fewer things more shameful than being 20 years old, covered in regurgitated Skittles, and told to wait in the car while those who didn’t assault their friends with vomit finish their meal.
Ole Miss Senior Makes Wild Plans for 4/20 Writing Papers and studying, not quite the same as eating 6 pizzas with your buddy.
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4:20 a.m., 21st of April Here you are, having spent a dank 4/20 with your blazed bros, and now you’re in your bed basking in your twice baked glory. Though it was a haze well spent, it was a dud on the smash scale. Or maybe not. Just to your left lies a lonely, innocent heating pad. So teasingly strewn across the floor; that heating pad wants the D. 4:45 a.m., 21st of April Turns out that beer you morning-punched off the night stand did a little damage to your beloved source of warmth’s wiring. Now there’s a Chernobyl immigrant of a nurse applying
what'’s inside
Top 10: Spring Cleaning Tips
Just don't get too cozy with the vacuum.
page 4
ointment to your third-degreed dong in a fashion that can only be described as angry butter churning, all while maintaining confusingly intimate eye contact. It could be that your eyes are finally failing after hours of “allergies,” but Ms. Chernobyl is starting to not seem so bad; looks like you just found your new heating pad. The events witnessed here are not written in stone, your fate can be altered. When relaxing with Jane, try to think your actions over a bit before committing to free climbing the library after chiefin’ five Phillies that would put the entirety of A$AP mob on their collective ass. Toke responsibly.
We Interview: A Colorado Budtender It turns out you can’t be high all the time to run this business.
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ALL WEEK LONG
THE LEVEE HAS YOU COVERED
MONDAY: $2 PITCHERS AND $0.25 WINGS TUESDAY: LADIES NIGHT! 2 FOR 1 WELLS, 2 FOR 1 SHOOTERS (SLAMMERS, LEMON DROPS)
$10 BURGERS AND BOTTOMLESS BEER BEER PONG LEAGUE
WELFARE WEDNESDAY $1 ANY DRAFT BEER, $2 WELLS HAPPY HOUR 3-8PM: FREE WINGS!
THURSDAY POWER HOUR 9-10PM | $1 PBR AND KEYSTONE $1 SHOTS, $2 COORS TALL BOYS | DJ WADE
FRIDAY: $1 PBR AND KEYSTONE | DJ WADE SATURDAY: CORNHOLE TOURNAMENT FOR A FREE BAR TAB! 1008 JACKSON AVE E OXFORD, MISSISSIPPI
132 COURTHOUSE SQUARE | (662) 513-0588
$6 WEEK DAY SPECIALS!
ALL SPECIALS SERVED WITH CHIPS OR FRIES
MONDAY
Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich
TUESDAY
Fried or Seared Chicken Sandwich
WEDNESDAY Jumbo BBQ Sandwich
THURSDAY Hamburger
FRIDAY
1/2 lb. Footlong Chili Cheese Dog
SATURDAY
The Don Vito - Seared Chicken, Sauteed w/ Onions and Tomatoes in White Wine
AND DON’T FORGET THIS!
WEDNESDAY NIGHT $1 PBRs & KEYSTONES THURSDAY NIGHT 2 FOR 1 DRINKS
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word of the week Kartography:
The memorization of all maps in the entire Mario Kart franchise. “Tilda’s kartography was so sound she knew the secret jumps at Wario Stadium and Wario’s Gold Mine.”
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The
Top 10
theblacksheeponline.com
Spring cleaning tips
Ah, spring is finally upon us! The Black Sheep caught one mean case of spring fever, and we think it’s about time we infect all of you, too! Here’s our top 10 spring cleaning tips that, unlike our spring break rashes, keep giving without an intense burning sensation. 10.) Let in some fresh air: It’s been cold outside for an unseasonably long time, but you really need to air out your place now that it’s warm. The smell of old milk and body odor isn’t the aphrodisiac that you think it is, and it’s a miracle your hamsters have lived this long without clean air to breathe. 9.) Clean your windows: Sure, the three inch layer of gunk blocks the sun from cutting into your sleeping-in days (AKA all of the days), but you’re going to need to start tanning. Being deathly pale for your vampire Halloween costume was kind of cool. Now it’s just weird and worrisome. 8.) Flip your couch cushions: Remember that time Dan threw up on your couch? Your houseguests won’t once they're looking at the other side of the cushion! Now they’ll remember that time that he hooked up with that one girl on your couch last year. And why they stopped hanging out with Dan.
Ole Miss Senior Makes Wild Plans to Spend 4/20 Writing Papers, Studying Joshua Barnett wrote this Christopher Milovich, a senior at Ole Miss, has announced to his friends his plans for April 20. Many of his closest acquaintances were shocked to learn of Christopher’s reckless idea of how he wants to spend his 4/20. “This is insane. Chris called me up today and I said, ‘Yo bitch, you ready to blaze it up Saturday?’ All he said was, ‘nah, I think I’m going to get this paper on Saladin done.’ I was like, what the F bro,” said Christopher’s roommate Kyle Tanner. “I just don’t get it; we’ve been getting wild every 4/20. Last year, we got so ripped we watch The Big Lebowski six times in a row. It was fucking insane,” he said. “I just expected more of Christopher; this is a huge letdown. It’s like I stocked up on Cheetos and Papa John’s coupons for nothing. It’s not like I’m going to eat six large pizzas myself,” he said. Christopher spoke with The Black Sheep about his 4/20 plans. “Actually, yes. Yes he will eat six large pizzas by himself; he did that shit last year. I don’t understand what all the fuss is about; I’m trying to graduate this semester so my dad doesn’t take back his Land Rover. How can Kyle argue with that? I can always get stoned and watch Adventure Time in my parent’s basement over the summer. I gotta have something to do while hunting for a job.” Others have applauded Christopher’s decisions. “I think he’s doing the right thing,” said his friend Tyler Verner, an Ole Miss junior and the guy that never brings his own stuff. “I hate having one less person to share with on 4/20, ‘cause we are gonna get our minds blown. It’s just a tragedy
that Christopher is going to miss out on his portion, but I guess I’ll just have to take care of it for him. Poor guy.” Christopher seems to be unsullied by the idea of Tyler getting his piece of the stash. “It’s no biggie, when he’s still here for the sixth year in a row and I’ve moved back in with my parents, we’ll see who’s laughing then.”
7.) Empty out your fridge: Being able to say, “No, those are probably still good,” is long gone. Just because the booze for your white Russians won’t expire doesn’t mean the cream won’t either. 6.) Empty out all of your expired medicine: It’s just taking up room in your bathroom, so take it to the kitchen and empty it into something. Choose the blender if you want to mix things up, or put it in a pot on the stove to get things cooking. Who knows, you could be the next Name-of-the-guy-who-invented-meth! 5.) Wipe the top of your fan blades: God only knows what’s been breeding up there during the three seasons it’s been since you last cleaned it. Get rid of it before its numbers increase and it threatens to take over the world! 4.) Clean your sheets: When people get pregnancy scares just from sitting on your bed, you can be sure of two things: it’s time to clean your linens and you should really invest in some tissues. 3.) Use flavored vodka to clean your floors: That bottle of Burnett’s Orange has been sitting in your kitchen for four months and it’s never going to reach the kill shelf unless you make a creative use for it. The vodka will eliminate all of the bacteria, while the chalky orange smell will remind people that they should buy name brand cleaner and vodka (not the 2-in-1 kind) next time they’re at the store. 2.) Get a vacuum: You can only push things under the couch with your foot for so long, and after a semester there’s a noticeable tilt to your couch. Much like your relationship with that born-again kid, sucking is definitely the way to go here.
Christopher’s girlfriend Shana is supportive of Christopher’s actions. “It’s not like they ever doing anything fun anyways. They just get stoned and sit on the couch. They talk about it nonstop for weeks, ‘it’s going to be so awesome bro, we’re gonna blaze up and get wild.’ The only thing that gets wild is the food bill around these idiots. Chris is much better off just doing his homework.” Sources in the Ole Miss administration applauded Christopher’s pledge to remain sober on 4/20. “It’s great that this kid isn’t going to be endangering himself, or others with use of that horrible drug marijuana. Too many students take risks with the pot without realizing what they’re really opening the door to. Doctors and scientists have agreed, if you take the pot, a week later you’ll be turning sexual favors for crystal,” said an anonymous source. Christopher negated this rumor, “I don’t know why they think I’m going sober. I’ll probably pop a couple of my girlfriend’s ADHD pills so I can get this paper done. It’s a fifteen page research paper on Saladin and it’s due next Monday. Sure, I could have been working on it all this time, but why do that when I can just pop pills?”
1.) Don’t stick your genitals into the vacuum: People may have told you it feels better than oral sex, but they were lying. It feels much, MUCH better. But still, it’s not worth your roommates and neighbors rushing to find you attached to a cleaning appliance with a bottle of vodka floor cleaner in hand… again.
tbs staff wrote this
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What's the first thing that comes to mind when you think of 4/20? “Ten minute break time.” - Laura M.
“Heady nugs.” - Adam H.
“Uh, weed.” - Darby F.
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
THURSDAY! New Karaoke w/ Cowboy Dereck 2 for 1 Margaritas $4.99 Lunch Combo, $6.99 Lunch Fajitas
SAT: OPEN AT NOON! Half Price Burgers 'til 4 2-4-1 Margaritas 'til 7 Pianos at 9 downstairs with NO COVER CHARGE
THURSDAY - SATURDAY $1 PBR and Keystone Free Power Tower on Birthdays!
THURSday
New Karaoke w/ Cowboy Dereck 2 for 1 Margaritas $4.99 Lunch Combo, $6.99 Lunch Fajitas
Wingday Special with $1.50 Pabst Blue Ribbon Pints and $4 Pitchers Happy Hour from 3-7
$1 PBR and Keystone
FRIDAY
2 for 1 Margaritas $4.99 Lunch Combo $6.99 Lunch Fajitas
Pianos Downstairs at 9 NO COVER CHARGE! Happy Hour from 3-7
$1 PBR and Keystone
SATURDAY
2 for 1 Margaritas $4.99 Lunch Combo $6.99 Lunch Fajitas
OPEN AT NOON! Half Price Burgers 'til 4 2-4-1 Margaritas 'til 7 Pianos at 9 downstairs with NO COVER CHARGE
$1 PBR and Keystone
SUNDAY
$4.99 Lunch Combo $6.99 Lunch Fajitas
Open at Noon on HOME FOOTBALL GAMES ONLY specials TBA
Closed
MONDAY
$4.99 Lunch Combo $6.99 Lunch Fajitas $1 Margaritas w/ purchase of an entree ($8 or more)
Wingday Special with $1.50 Pabst Blue Ribbon Pints Entertainment TBA Happy Hour Daily from 3-7
$4 Car Bombs
TUESDAY
$4.99 Lunch Combo $6.99 Lunch Fajitas $1 Margaritas w/ purchase of an entree ($8 or more)
Catfish Night! Fresh Farm Raised Catfish! $2 Well Drinks after 7 Happy Hour from 3-7
2 for 1 Wells
WEDNESDAY
$4.99 Lunch Combo $6.99 Lunch Fajitas $1 Margaritas w/ purchase of an entree ($8 or more)
7-Close: WINE-O-WEDNESDAY 2-4-1 Wine Half-Price Burgers until 10 Happy Hour from 3-7
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If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.
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The Bar Grid MONDAY - SATURDAY $6 Meals Served with Chips or Fries!
Mon - Sat: Happy Hour 4-7 $1 Off Everything AND $1 PBR, Busch, Highlife
SATURDAY: Crawfish Boil 3-9pm! $5 Pitchers Penny Pitchers 9-10pm, DJ Conner Tierney
TUESDAY: $10 Burgers and Bottomless Beer LADIES NIGHT! 2 for 1 Wells, 2 for 1 Shooters (slammers, lemon drops) Beer Pong League
SPECIAL NIGHT
$6 Hamburger (w/ Chips or Fries) 2 for 1 Drinks
Happy Hour 4-7 $1 Off Everything AND $1 PBR, Busch, Highlife
Happy Hour until 9pm: $2 beers, $4 Wells, Penny Pitchers 9-10pm, DJ Conner Tierney
Power Hour (9-10): $1 PBR & Keystone $1 Shots, $2 Coors Tall boys DJ Wade
THURSday
$6 1/2 lb. Footlong Chili Cheese Dog (w/ Chips or Fries)
Happy Hour 4-7 $1 Off Everything AND $1 PBR, Busch, Highlife
Happy Hour until 9pm: $2 beers, $4 Wells, Penny Pitchers 9-10pm, DJ Conner Tierney
$1 PBR and Keystone DJ Wade
FRIDAY
$6 Don Vito - Seared Chicken, Sauteed w/ Onions and Tomatoes in White Wine (w/ Chips or Fries)
Happy Hour 4-7 $1 Off Everything AND $1 PBR, Busch, Highlife
Crawfish Boil 3-9pm! $5 Pitchers Penny Pitchers 9-10pm, DJ Conner Tierney
Cornhole Tournament for a free bar tab!
SATURDAY
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SUNDAY
$6 Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich (w/ Chips or Fries)
2 for 1 Frozen Margaritas Happy Hour 4-7 $1 Off Everything AND $1 PBR, Busch, Highlife
$5 Pitchers, $0.25 Wings 2 for 1 domestics
$2 Pitchers and $0.25 Wings
MONDAY
$6 Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich (w/ Chips or Fries)
2 for 1 Domestics Happy Hour 4-7 $1 Off Everything AND $1 PBR, Busch, Highlife
Beer and Shot Night Buy a Beer, Get a Free Shot
$10 Burgers and Bottomless Beer LADIES NIGHT! 2 for 1 Wells, 2 for 1 Shooters (slammers, lemon drops) Beer Pong League
TUESDAY
$6 Jumbo BBQ Sandwich (w/ Chips or Fries) $1 PBR & Keystone
2 for 1 Wells Happy Hour 4-7 $1 Off Everything AND $1 PBR, Busch, Highlife
Flip Night!: Call it right, the drinks are on us!
Welfare Wednesday: $1 Any Draft Beer, $2 Wells Happy Hour 3-8pm: Free Wings!
WEDNESDAY
Blows up (The camera glides in to focus on the crew, all sitting at the NBA on TNT table. Shaquille O’Neal on the far left, then moving right to Ernie Johnson, Kenny “The Jet” Smith, and finally Charles Barkley. Ernie shuffles paper and looks up into the camera, while the others glance at each other from the corners of their eyes, giggling and taking sips from their mugs.)
Ernie Johnson: Welcome back to the Sprint Halftime Report. I’m Ernie Johnson and with me as always are Shaq, Kenny, and Charles. So if you were watching last week, and we know you weren’t, Charles was having a little bit of fun at LeBron’s expense, talking about his receding hairline and the fact that the headband had been inching backward through the years. And who knows where it will be-Charles: Come on home. Ernie: And basically you were encouraging him to shave, to come on home... Charles: Come on home, shave your head like every other balding black guy. Kenny Smith: (waving at camera) Ay LeBron this ain’t me. This ain’t me LeBron! Ernie: (laughs uneasily) Well, we decided we couldn’t let that go alone, and so we decided to ma-Shaquille O’Neal: ERNIE YOU OFF THE CHAIN!
The NBA playoffs begin April 18th, and we couldn’t be more excited. Two months of professional playoff basketball? Fantastic. But we’re more excited for two months of the NBA on TNT frat house yukkin’ it up and slapping Charles Barkley’s face on obese ladyfolk. Never in sports history has a studio analyst crew gotten away with 30 seconds of analyzing, followed by 20 minutes of grab-assery. However, their hijinks came to a screeching halt one night, while broadcasting a relatively meaningless Hawks-Nets game. TNT pulled the broadcast from the air, but The Black Sheep DVR’d it, and recorded it on paper for you to witness. By: Quinn
Charles Barkley: If he keep denying his hairline is receding it’d be like a dead terrorist denying he ain’t in heaven. Shaq: (pulls tie up in the air to resemble a noose) OOOOOOO! Ernie: (snarkily) Even though we’re in the south I don’t think any racists will be hanging you any time soon, Shaq. Shaq: (stares angrily at Ernie) Kenny: (stares angrily at Ernie) Charles: (stares angrily at Ernie) Ernie: (worryingly looks off-screen at the producer) Kenny: (walking off the set) Yo Ern, let’s talk about basketball. Let’s talk about basketball. Shaq: Look when I drink water like this (takes long drink of water, bulges his eyes at Ernie) it mean that water too hot! Charles: If LeBron’s headband keep moving back further and further, and eventuallyKenny: Not me LeBron! I got no part in this! Charles: Eventually that headband gunna pull his eyes back and he’ll look Asian. Like he got a Mandarin hat on, practicin’ tai chi instead of basketball.
Ernie: Guys, hold on, let’s take it down a notch... Shaq: What Ern, you gonna lynch me? Shaq: (stares angrily at Ernie) Kenny: (off stage) The fuck Ernie? Charles: (stares angrily at Ernie) Kenny: (runs back in impersonating a “jet” with a Jeremy Lin jersey on) Rook at me! I’rm ReBron James! I have tiny penis!
(A photoshopped picture of Charles Barkley and Asian-looking LeBron James kissing in a dojo appears on the screen.) Ernie: (his bowtie spinning) Can we go to commercial! I don’t know what the hell is going on!? Shaq: YO THE ONLY WAY WE CAN STOP THE HEAT IS TO DROP CHARLES AKA A “FAT MAN” MIAMI LOL. (Kenny is off camera, but his mic broadcasts him taking “heavy polls” of Cognac in the green room) Shaq: (putting papers on his head) REBRON JAMES! (Sound guy plays stereotypical Asian chimes)
(A picture of Charles Barkley-looking atomic bomb dropping over Miami appears on screen. The room falls silent. All the panelists look shocked, except Shaq, who is spinning in his chair) Ernie: ... Ok, well, with that we will bring you back to the action. Hawks lead the Nets 51-43.
we interview: a colorado budtender Now that recreational use and sale of marijuana is legal in Colorado, weed dispensaries have been popping up everywhere. All you need to legally grow and sell weed is a measly little piece of paper from the government, it’s that easy! We sat down with one such self made man, “BlaisOne,” who went from regular old, cereal-eatin’, Netflix watchin’, maybe occasionally illegally weed growin’ stoner, to a savvy, suit-wearing, legally growing and selling weed business man. By Quinn The Black Sheep: How did you get involved in this business? What were the stages from having the idea to sitting in the store and making a living? “BlaiseOne” the Budtender: I’ve been close to the business my whole life. I started growing around 13. With the medical legalities popping up I came to Denver about three years ago, and started working for local dispensaries. I can’t say there was much transition from seeing the doors open to where I am now. I guess as of now most of us are kind of in limbo, just waiting for recreational to take over. It will take the ceiling off all our businesses and allow us to operate like everyone else. TBS: If you own the business, do you recruit new workers? And what do you look for in an applicant? BlaiseOne: I don’t own it. Don’t really want to yet either. We hire from within, either good friends or quality patients. We look for a true enthusiasm in the industry, as long as you have the ability to learn and as long as you’re enthusiastic about it. TBS: What’s the most-untrue stereotype of a budtender? BlaiseOne: Contrary to what most people think, most of the time we are not medicated when at work. TBS: In light of recent marijuana legalization in other states, do you think it will take long for the rest of the country to follow suit? What is your opinion on current legalization laws? BlaiseOne: I think it will be many years before the federal government overturns this one. There’s too much money in the pharmaceutical companies. Plain and simple. Oh, and god forbid we make some gasoline out of hemp... Fuck our government. TBS: Does your business cook the edibles in house, or do you buy them from a bakery? And how does a marijuana bakery start up? BlaiseOne: To start up you have to have a MIP (Marijuana Infused Product) License. And a certified health inspected kitchen. We used to make our own (and they were ridiculous) but started outsourcing after they made the kitchen law. We didn’t have the means to open a real kitchen for it, so we sold the license. TBS: Do you sell the marijuana directly to customers? If so, have you ever refused to sell to someone? BlaiseOne: I personally do not – I only grow. But we refuse sale to anyone we think is reselling. TBS: Do you get any "employee benefits"? BlaiseOne: Well let’s just say everything from seed to sale is on 24hr cameras monitored by the state, so not in the way you’re thinking. And technically you cant have/give for free. So let’s just say when I purchase anything for myself from the storefront it usually only costs a penny. TBS: Are you worried about the DEA/FBI because Marijuana is illegal under federal law? How does that legal grey area work? BlaiseOne: I am not. We are currently within our legal number of plants within the state of Colorado, and are compliant on everything we do. I don’t think the feds have any interest in us. TBS: Are there routine inspections of your crop? BlaiseOne: No. TBS: What do you net from an average plant? What are the expenses you have to take care of? BlaiseOne: Average plant nets 6 oz. worth about $1200. We currently pay out about 50,000 a month in expenses. Rent, payroll, electric, soil, nutrients, bug spray, etc. TBS: How does the marijuana community decide on names for new strains? Is there any sort of advisory board or do people just smoke it and come up with something? BlaiseOne: There is an actual Swiss seed bank, and to get a phenotype listed and named you have to provide something like 500 stable seeds and some other stuff. But I doubt anyone does that. Some of the older strains have made a good name for themselves, and the newer names are usually growers crossing strains and making up new names. TBS: Funniest/weirdest name of a product? BlaiseOne: Earwax. TBS: How does the cost of legal marijuana compare to buying it illegally? BlaiseOne: Depends on your state, but equal or cheaper. TBS: Have you ever had a problem with people trying to break onto your property and steal your crops? BlaiseOne: Our dumpster gets broken into once a month. Which is silly, like we would throw the good stuff away... Other than that everything has been cool. TBS: What's the worst part, and the best part, of your day to day workings? BlaiseOne: Worst part is moving thousands of pounds of soil up to the second floor, then back down when it’s used. Growing dope shouldn’t have to be this physical. TBS: Do you have a getting high "routine"? BlaiseOne: I only vape now. O-Pen Vape is the way of the future. If you’re still smoking weed you need to get with the times. TBS: What's your perfect sandwich? BlaiseOne: Cheeseburger with a fried egg and French fries on it. Bam!
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
The Lords of Salem Opening April 19th
The residents of a creepy apartment complex in Salem, Massachusetts are visited by a 300-year-old coven of witches. The dreadedblonde who is certain her neighbor's apartment is haunted might just be tweaking, but you can't deny the negative vibes she feels coming from Apartment 5. Written and directed by Rob Zombie, this film will at least give us the willies.
Pain & Gain Opening April 19th
A trio of bodybuilders in Florida get caught up in an extortion and kidnapping scheme that goes terribly wrong. Really, when do any of those things go right? Based on a true story, Pain & Gain stars Mark Wahlberg and Dwayne "Can You Smell What the Rock is Cooking?" Johnson, as well as some cute comedic relief from Rob Corddry and Rebel Wilson.
Phoenix - Bankrupt! Out April 23rd
This French alternative rock band that scored mainstream recognition with their hit 2009 album Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix, are back with their fifth studio album. Fans of their past work might be taken aback by the sounds of Bankrupt!, which the band says is something more experimental than before. Check out their first single "Entertainment" (which still sounds pretty poppy to us).
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theblacksheeponline.com
bartender of the week Matt h. la paz Relationship status: Single Favorite drink: Jameson on the rocks Favorite shot: Irish Car Bomb Worst drink ever: Malibu and pineapple What were your last three Google searches: Ole Miss intramurals, Fox News, and ESPN Favorite night you don’t remember: Last Saturday I woke up cuddling with my coffee table on my living room floor.
the drinking game:
Al Capone or Tony Montana: Definitely Al Capone. Most erotic dream: Joining the mile high club. Worst thing you’ve ever been caught doing: Having sex on the baseball field. Most uncomfortable thing you’ve witnessed at work: Three ladies walked into the door and all slipped and ate it. It was hilarious for me, but probably awkward for them.
What celebrity would you go gay for: Ryan Reynolds
What is your strategy for surviving an alien invasion: Bend over and kiss my ass goodbye because if they’re coming, we’re screwed.
90s Nickelodeon or 90s Cartoon Network: 90s Cartoon Network
What is your most disgusting habit: Smoking cigarettes
Which Back to the Future movie would you want to live out: The second one -- I would totally go back to see my mom and screw around with her.
What celebrity would you want to toke with: George W. Bush Best song to sing in the shower: “Scotty 15” by Andre Nickatina
recipe for disaster:
Booze Ball
Grilled Cheese Pizza
The only thing better than drinking cold beer and eating a hot dog and peanuts on a nice spring day is watching dudes spit tobacco while playing with their balls—er, baseballs. Don’t just watch the fun. Take this game outside and get drunk. It’s officially booze ball season.
Like when Robb Stark married the Frey girl, securing The Twins for the North, this is an unholy union of two unlike things. Will this work out better or worse than the wedding? Let’s hope it’s better.
What You’ll Need: Four kegs and a Wiffle ball and bat. Number of Players: At least 20. Level of Intoxication: Good luck trying to run the bases after this. How To Play - Split up into two teams. - Set up the kegs in a baseball diamond and have each player on one team stand in the typical baseball positions. - Before any player bats they must chug a half cup of beer. - After chugging, the batter tosses up the Wiffle ball himself and tries to hit it. If he can’t hit a fair ball in three tries, he’s out and must drink for five seconds. - If the player hits a single, he must do a five-second keg stand when he gets to first base. - If the player hits a double, he must do a ten-second keg stand when he gets to second base. - If the player hits a triple, he must chug a beer when he gets to third base. - If the player hits a homerun, he must do a fifteen-second keg stand when he gets to home. - If the player gets thrown out or tagged before he makes it to a base, he must chug half a beer, and he is out. - Once three outs have been made, teams switch sides. - The game continues until nine innings have been completed or a team reaches a predetermined score. The Game Ends When: The kegs run dry or the players are as bad as the Cubs. You suck, Darwin Barney!
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What You Need: 2 slices of bread, 4 ounces of pepper jack cheese, crappy pasta sauce, pepperoni, butter. Cook Time: 10 minutes Fatty Factor: If you can convince yourself to eat less than three, you’ll survive to see morning. Let’s Get Baked: -Place a skillet on a burner set to medium. -Butter one side of each slice of bread. -Layer the other side of one piece of bread with pizza sauce and pepperoni. -Shred the pepper jack cheese on the unbuttered side of the other piece of bread. -Place each piece of bread butter side-down onto the warmed skillet. -2-3 minutes later, place the pepperoni side of one slice onto the cheesy side of the other slice of bread. -Flip the sandwich each minute for 3-4 minutes, or until the cheese is melted. Unlike a potent mixture of sugar, carbs, protein and cheese to help you power through your day. Without it, you’d pass out from hunger, and passing out just isn’t the same as willingly taking a nap.
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the madlib: a frolfing adventure What started out as a ___1___ ___2___ quickly turned into the weirdest day since Saturday at ___3___, when Jonah took all that/those ___4___ and found some girl in ___5___ furry boots to give him a ___6___ massage and then rode her around like a ___7___ until the sun came up. Anyway, Jonah and I went out frolfing at noon with a 6-pack of ___8___ and a bit of ___9___, I had my iPod blasting some ___10___ and we were having the time of our lives. We got to hole nine, but it wasn’t the same hole nine we’ve played since we were freshman. We squinted our already squinty eyes and saw a ___11___ wearing a ___12___and holding a glass of ___13___, gesturing for us to come closer. When we froze, he started coming closer. “Hi there,” the creature cackled, not unlike that fat chick from ___14___ who’s legit stalking me. “Why don’t we jump into my… tunnel?” Suddenly a tunnel full of ___15___-smoke and ___16___-colored confetti appeared.
“A tunnel? That’s the best you could think of?” said Jonah, that ___17___. The creature was suddenly sitting on our shoulders between us. He handed us his drink, and we drank. The next thing we knew, we were dancing to ___18___ and grinding on girls wearing ___19___, but they were so sexy. We were smiling like ___20___ was giving us ___21___ and dancing our asses off. When we came to, Jonah was poking me on the shoulder and I stopped dancing for the first time in who knows how long. We were on hole nine, with a rather large crowd of ___22___ watching. “Dude, what the hell just happened! I think that weird thing slipped us some ___23___ and we just tripped out for hours!” “Bunch of ___24___, it’s only 12:30!” someone shouted, as we stepped aside to let everyone play and to drink some of our beer. “We’re going to have to get some more of that ___25___,” said Jonah, and we cheersed.
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the wordsearch: Stoner lingo Baked Blazed Blunts Bong Chronic Ganja Grass Fatty Hash Heady Joint
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COME OU FOR FLIP T N ON WEDN IGHT ESDAY!