Vol.6, Issue 7
The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
FRE E.. ON . LIKE A SU CAT NDA CHIN YM GA ORN BUZ ING Z .
4/17/14 - 4/30/14
THE SCOOP ON PLACES TO POOP LOGAN LITTLE WROTE THIS We all know the feeling, 1:35 in the afternoon and you thought it would be a good idea to make up for your lack of breakfast with a Burger Studio ‘burg, some oily Pigtail fries, and an extra large “half Sprite - half lemonade” before your 2:00. Just as you’re halfway to your destination, full of greasy goodness and feeling good about being early to your class for once, you feel it. That decision to add a fried egg to your burger at the last minute might not have been the smartest. You don’t have time to contemplate, you need to shit, and we’ve got you covered, location-wise that is.
BRYANT HALL, 2ND FLOOR:
We all know a poop is the perfect time for some deep thinking, and what better place to soul-search and bowel move than Ole Miss’ very own philosophy building? We’re looking at a single-stall, single-urinal setup, so you might encounter an occasional drifter, but no serious traffic. Marble floors, marble sink, and a beautiful view out of a toilet-level window will make you sink into its 3-out-of-5-star-rated toilet seat. Its one downfall is the enormous mirror facing directly at the toilet. If you’ve taken any medically-prescribed amphetamines, be prepared, you will be staring your own shrinkage right in its shriveled-up face.
UNION, 2ND FLOOR:
When the majority of the public is upstairs at the Union, they have one thing on their mind, Subway. Take advantage of this. Walk past the Space Mountain-sized line and follow the well-camouflaged signs to the bathroom. Now, this particular bathroom is going to be one of the larger ones, four-
plus urinals and stalls -- but don’t be intimidated. It’s the same concept as thinking, “I’m too drunk to hang out at Funky’s.” The traffic is minimal at all times, due to the fear of losing a spot in line at Subway. Also its 3-out-of-5-star-rated toilet seats are always polished, as this is considered a bathroom for businessmen.
ISOM HALL, BOTTOM FLOOR:
A little-known fact about Isom Hall is that it used to be a dormitory for girls, which means that its restrooms, one on the second floor and one on the third, only have stalls. However, if you dare to venture past the constantly-chatting theatre majors on the couches, right to the left of the stairs you will find a closet bathroom. A singleurinal, single-stall setup is extremely private, however there is no lock on the main door to the bathroom, so you may encounter very close pee-er traffic. The toilet seat is getting a 2-star rating just because of its age, however the true beauty in the Isom Hall bottom floor bathroom experience is in the beautiful, and poetically racist and homophobic graffiti, which dates back decades.
LIBRARY MEZZANINE, TOP FLOOR:
You’re on Starbucks cup number 4, and cigarette number 11 studying for this goddamn biology test, and your stomach is giving you the “Houston, we have a poo problem.” Have no fear, toss out that cig (nowhere near the James Meredith Statue) and sprint up the four flights of stairs. Once you’re at the top, make your way through the labyrinth of corridors and rooms; if nothing’s fallen out yet you should be right
at a tiny one-person bathroom, with only a traditional toilet and sink set up. Now the one downfall is that this particular area is fucking SILENT. There is no talking, no movement, and most importantly no fan in the bathroom. So unless you’re going to run the sink, if there is ANYONE there, they will hear every detail of your dirty deuce. Its toilet seat gets a surprising 4-out-of-5 comfort rating, and if you catch this spot on the right day, you’re in for a meditative
and satisfying experience.
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THE LIFE OF A WORKING MAN
TOP 10 WAYS TO MAKE EASTER KICK ASS
REPORTS FROM ACTUAL MISSISSIPPI CRAIGSLIST PERSONAL ADS
PARIS YATES CHAPEL:
It’s not sacrilegious if you really got to go, Jesus would be the last guy to deny anybody a brown splasher. So make every time you go a need-to-go situation, because this bathroom is a true “Holy shit!” traditional toilet and sink set up, with marble floors, 15-foot high ceiling, and a stained glass window at the top. The door locks with
VISIT THE EASTER BUNNY AT THE MALL AND GET SOME ORANGE CHICKEN, TOO.
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perfect security and the one light switch also happens to trigger and automatic fan, perfect for drowning out your post-Panda Express sound bites. The toilet seat gets the only The Black Sheep Approved 5-out-of-5 rating, with a comfort that is only comparable to that of a TempurPedic mattress. Shiny marble floors, a squeaky-clear mirror, and classic paper towels make this bathroom number one on The Black Sheep list of Best Places to Poop on Campus.
PAGES 10-11
JESUS OF BLAZERETH
EASTER CONVENIENTLY LANDS ON 4/20 THIS YEAR, WHICH MADE US THINK SOME DEEP THOUGHTS, MAN.
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THE LIFE OF A WORKING MAN REPORTS FROM ACTUAL MISSISSIPI CRAIGSLIST PERSONAL ADS CHANING GREEN WROTE THIS
Benjamin Dover is a sophomore at Ole Miss. So far in his college career, Dover has been able to avoid taking out any form of student loan and doesn’t hold down any form of traditional job. Though he does receive minimal scholarships, there is still quite a bit that he owes the school every semester. Dover’s preferred money-making method revolves around the popular classifieds website Craigslist. Recently The Black Sheep sat down with Dover to learn more about his chosen profession. The Black Sheep: Okay, so tell us a little bit about what it is that you do. Benjamin Dover: Well, I look for ads in the Personals section on Craigslist and I find the ones that pose an opportunity for me to make a financial gain. TBS: Are you a prostitute? BD: Not exactly. TBS: You’re either a prostitute or you’re not. BD: I don’t have sex for money but I have done weird things for cash before. TBS: …Go on. BD: Like, one time, I answered an ad from this guy in Tupelo who wanted to shave a college
student. TBS: What? BD: I drove to a house in Tupelo and got paid $60 to lie in a bathtub for an hour and let a grown man shave me. TBS: Did he pay for your gas too? BD: Yep. TBS: Hm. Was it weird? Like, did he say weird things while he was doing it? BD: He didn’t really talk. It was kind of uncomfortable but I came out with $60 and a very well-groomed body. He also had chinchilla name Chi-Chi that he let me hold. That was really cool. Not every day you get to play with a chinchilla. TBS: Ha yeah, chinchillas are awesome. But how have you been able muster up the remaining couple thousand dollars in order to pay for the rest of your semester? We understand your scholarship pays for some school but not all. BD: Yeah, I have about $1,300 in scholarships and my parents are great and help me out when they can, but they can’t afford to pay for the rest of that. TBS: So, there are enough people on Craigslist willing to
pay you to do weird, pseudoerotic things that you can make up the difference? BD: Have you ever been on the internet? TBS: It’s incredibly scary. BD: I dressed up as Batman once and fed vanilla SnackPack pudding to a woman in a car. I made $182 in those four hours. TBS: Why are you doing this to yourself? BD: Have you ever had the opportunity to dress up as Batman and feed a grown woman a pudding cup while she drove to Atlanta? Have you ever been in a position to lay naked in a bathtub and play with a chinchilla while a man of questionable morals shaves your entire body? Have you ever ridden a tandem bicycle around town with a 54 yearold woman who merely wants companionship and Chicken On A Stick? Have you been paid for all of it? TBS: No. BD: Do you have student loans? TBS: Maybe. BD: So, who is the successful person in this situation? TBS: Is it the chinchilla? BD: It’s always the chinchilla.
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Ole Miss Senior Completes College Checklist
Most of the checklist was completed before the end of the freshman year. Get blackout drunk? Check. Yell “Don’t taze me, bro!” Done. Have a pregnancy scare? Of course. These were accomplished by all three within their first semester as undergraduates. Jared, however, took the lead after his two fellow checklisters were checked into the hospital. David Warner, a lifelong friend and former neighbor, was sent to a Tallahassee hospital after attempting to ride an alligator like a surfboard. Meanwhile, Chaz “Gimme Dat Smokeback” Thomas was sent to the emergency room after taking a bath in a tub full of vodka. Vanderlyle took advantage of his friends’ hospitalization during their spring semester, getting so far ahead that his friends would find it nearly impossible to catch back up. Vanderlyle started and lost a fight with a basketball player, spent a night in jail, earned the respect of his black classmates with his breakdancing skills, and showered in beer at an Ole Miss baseball game.
MICAJAH HENLEY WROTE THIS
Senior political science major Jared Vanderlyle thought he would never complete the college checklist he scribbled down as a freshman. Finally, on one fateful Tuesday, Jared spotted guitarists Kyle Nausland and Michael Beckwood covering hits from the 1990s with their blonde hair parted down the middle as if to say, “When the shit hits the fan, you can stay with us in our Y2K shelter.” Filled with romantic ideas of college due to popular
representations in the media, Vanderlyle and his high school chums created a master checklist of things they planned to encounter in order to assure themselves that they’ll get the full “college experience.” The three graduates of Lawrenceville High School outside of Atlanta, Georgia went off to Florida State University, University of Georgia, and of course, Ole Miss with the goal to be the first of three to check off everything on their sheets.
Sadly, the Ole Miss student’s good luck had run out by the fall of his junior year, and he became fearful that he would be unable to complete his checklist. With his high school buddies gaining full recovery and catching up to Vanderlyle, he became desperate. Vanderlyle took out an additional loan in order to decorate everything in his house with Ole Miss paraphernalia, changed his entire wardrobe to exclusively school-related shirts, hats, and sweatpants. Finally, he threw the largest party that any of his Oxford friends had seen. Unfortunately, the party lasted a total of twelve minutes after a sorority girl with an irritable bowel clogged one toilet and overflowed the other.
By his senior year Vanderlyle had only one thing left to accomplish. However, he had to depend completely on fate for it to come to fruition. After his final fall semester, he had no luck. Come spring, he was beginning to think he would never complete the list. Downtrodden, Vanderlyle thought he would go to Panda Express to eat his weight in orange chicken and fortune cookies. Upon entering, he heard a familiar sound—“could you whisper in my ear, the things you wanna feel?” “Could this be real?” thought Vanderlyle. The noise in the discord continued—“I want to wake up where you are, I won’t say anything at all.” “By damn, this is it!” exclaimed Vanderlyle out loud around curious onlookers. Filled with elation, Vanderlyle joined the two blonder-haired gentlemen with their acoustic guitars and middle-parts screaming, “SO WHY DON’T YOU SLIDE!” With the occurrence of the two men playing 90s classics on their acoustic guitars in the Student Union, Vanderlyle was able to finally complete the list of college experience that he felt he was entitled to based off of films and television. His high school friends had no problem believing that he had defeated them in the task that they had since completely forgotten about. Vanderlyle refused to comment and plans to move back to Lawrenceville after he graduates to become a public speaker, encouraging at-risk kids to stay in school and go to college.
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STUDENT SPOTLIGHT
THE
TOP
TEN
WAYS TO MAKE
EASTER KICK ASS BARNEY THOMPSON WROTE THIS
Easter is a bit of a bittersweet holiday, especially given the other holiday it lines up with this year, so The Black Sheep has lined up some ways for you to make it a day worth tweeting about. We’re talking serious tweeting, like expect 10+ retweets. 10.) Sleep in: Scientists have been running tests for the better part of a decade in The Black Sheep laboratory and have actually proven that Sunday morning sleep is 39.7% more effective than the second-most effective type of sleep. Explain to your Bible-clad family that the big man shared his day of rest and enjoy those extra hours of slumber.
A DOPE INTERVIEW WITH TB KNOWLTON BOURNE WROTE THIS The Black Sheep had the honor of sitting down with 311 enthusiast and “mad chiller,” Terry Bomberg to chat about April 20th, mad munchies, and all things dope. The Black Sheep: First and foremost, thanks for sitting down with us for an interview, you’re a busy man. Terry Bomberg: Anytime brother, season 3 of The Sopranos can chill out ‘til this Q n’ A wraps up. TBS: I understand that you will be celebrating 4/20 this year in a particularly special way. Would you mind telling our readers a little bit about it? TB: Yeah, I’ve got quite the rigorous schedule planned for the ole four-two-oh. I’m going to wake up around noon, pop on a season of South Park, hit a few gravs and then crack open a Mountain Dew to wash down a bag of pizza-flavored Combos. Then I plan on zoning out and ironically watching about half a season of Fraiser. After that I’ll probably rip some dank dope bombs from the bubbler and get real catatonic. I’m sure I’ll fit some porn and GTA V in at some point. TBS: Wow, that sounds like a pretty normal day for a marijuana user. Is there any part of the festivities that will make 4/20 different than any other day? TB: Well, I plan on really getting stizzed all day long. A lot of people think that you have to take an eighth out before sundown, really blaze it, you know? Classic mistake. You really want to pace yourself. 4/20 is a marathon, not a sprint. Sure, you want to take as much dank to the dome as you possibly can, but it’s gotta last you. I mean you don’t want to start the second installment of Kill Bill only to realize all
06
you’ve got is a bag full of shake. The gratuitous spraying of blood doesn’t resonate nearly as much without the clouds. TBS: Good to know. So aside from Combos is there anything else you plan on eating? Food is a big part of the day. TB: Yeah, definitely. You want to load up on the Combos, definitely some Pizza Pringles, a Little Caesar’s. Can’t forget to grab some Snapples ‘cause, you know, gotta watch out for that scurvy. Plus, those caps facts are too wild. TBS: Fantastic. Sounds like you’re really pulling out all the stops. TB: Oh, definitely. 4/20 only comes once a year. Gotta go hard like Phish on New Year’s Eve at Red Rocks. TBS: What advice do you have for our readers on how they can participate in the festivities? TB: I’d say start with a classic, like Cheech & Chong or maybe a more contemporary stoner classic flick like How High or Dazed and Confused. Keep a few Monster Energies on your person. You definitely don’t want to pass out during the first disc of Planet Earth. Rookie shit. Most importantly, just keep it mellow. TBS: What would you say to all the haters out there who don’t understand the holiday? TB: Soon enough, brah. Colorado, Washington, Cali… shit is getting real heady here in the States. Sooner or later the green flags will be blowin’ ‘cross all 50. TBS: Great! Any final remarks? TB: I’m about to go get me a DiGiorno.
9.) Ramp up the egg hunt: Sure, Twix are awesome to find on the ground in plastic eggs after ripping Bongsai, your 3-foot glass piece, but think about how many Twix you could get if those eggs were filed with dead presidents. Don’t have a boring egg hunt that only nets you a handful of half-melted candy, have everyone chip in a few bucks and watch the frenzy begin. 8.) Get your picture taken with the Easter Bunny: Then get it taken again, and again. The life of a mall Easter Bunny can’t be exciting, so spice his up with what could be perceived as psychotic tendencies. After the tenth time a college student plops down in his lap, the bunny might ask you to stand instead. If so, just whisper into his ear, “I’m sitting in your lap you fuzzy bastard, and I don’t a give a damn if you like it.” 7.) Watch The Passion of the Christ, like, really watch it: Most of us have seen the passion by now, but you haven’t really seen it until you take those drops of Lucy you’ve been saving for a rainy day. Don’t even worry about inviting anyone over, just sit there and let it all wash over you. On second thought, a trip-sitter might be handy once the torture porn really hits its climax. 6.) Show the lord just how much of his blood you can handle: Your scientific findings didn’t get you out of 7 a.m. service, so why not put that flask to use and make a sweet drinking game out of it? Take a pull every time someone says amen with closed eyes, shouts praise with their hands in the air, or has a demon exercised from their body. 5.) Show the world your own eggs: Everyone’s all serious this and “Don’t flash your dick on such a Biblically important day,” that, so how could anyone blame you for streaking through town shouting, “Who wants to hunt these eggs?” We don’t guarantee you’ll avoid the police or a populations rife with disgust, but it sure beats a three-hour sermon. 4.) Celebrate like a bachelor, a lonely bachelor: Not everyone is going to make the trek home to celebrate with their family, so make Easter a holiday of one. Spark up a bowl, kick off your pants and pop on your favorite episodes of Adventures from the Book of Virtues. Soon you’ll forget about being too poor to afford gas money. 3.) Crash an egg-hunt: Not so much in the spirit of Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson, but more similar to the L.A. Riots. Surprise is key here, once you body check that first toddler over a fence the parents will take notice. As you undoubtedly will need to make a quick escape, keep in mind that serpentine patterns are truly effective. 2.) Spend it with Faulkner: Grab a fifth of your favorite whiskey and kill a bottle with the legend himself. We all know how dark truths love to spill out by the time you’ve reached the second half of the bottle. Rather than having to explain how you were totally joking about that time with your dog, you can spill your dirtiest, latex-filled secrets to Faulkner’s stone. 1.) Create bionic battle bunnies: BattleBots is but a shell of its former glory, so usher in the next generation of bionic warriors with the inclusion of contestants with an androidian touch. Bunnies are cool and all, but how ‘bout bunnies with buzz saws where their fluffy tails should be? How ‘bout adding a flamethrower? The possibilities are endless and Mick Foley could really use a steady job.
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ON THE STREETS
WHAT WOULD YOU BE THE PATRON SAINT OF? Megan
“Patron saint of St. Anthony, the patron saint of lost things.”
Terrius
“Patron saint of philanthropy, adaptability, and networking.”
Celeste
“Patron saint of spandex.”
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ice v r e le S t 14! t 0 u 2 h l S Fal g rtin a t S NOW LEASING FOR 2014! « ConnectionAtOxford.com « 2000 Oxford Way « Oxford, MS « 662.267. 3770 « fb.com/ConnectionOxford « NOW LEASING FOR 2014!
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THURSDAY
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Happy Hour Monday thru Friday 4:00 to 7:00 pm $5 BIG BOY 32 oz Draft Beers $ 2 Domestic Bottle Beers 2 for 1 Well Drinks
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FRIDAY
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Happy Hour 5pm - 9pm: $2 Beers, $4 Wells
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Open for lunch: Oxfords Best Burgers & Wings Happy Hour All Day til 9 Crawfish Party!
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WEDNESDAY
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Happy Hour (3 pm - 8pm): 2-for-1 Appetizers, $3 Well Whiskey, & $1 off all alcohol Night (8pm - 10:30 pm): Welfare ($2 Well liquor drinks & $1 Draft beers)
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MONDAY: Happy Hour (3 pm - 8pm) $0.25 Wings & $1 off all alcohol Night (8 pm - 12 am) – $2 Pitchers Happy Hour (3 pm - 8pm) $5 Chicken Finger Basket & Fries, $1 off all alcohol Night (8pm - 10pm) 2 for 1 Well liquor drinks, Domestic Beers & Shooters
Happy Hour (3 pm - 8pm) $0.25 Wings & $1 off all alcohol
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MONDAY
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2 for 1 Wells $2 Draft Pints
Happy Hour (3 pm - 8pm) $10 Burger & Bottomless Beer & $1 off all alcohol Night (8 pm - 12 am) 2 for 1 Well Drinks, Domestic Beers & Shooters
TUESDAY
$3 Shots, $2 Draft Pints Pool League @ 8pm
Happy Hour (3 pm - 8pm) 2-for-1 Appetizers, $3 Well Whiskey & $1 off all alcohol Welfare Night (8pm - 10:30pm) $2 Well liquor drinks & $1 Drafts
WED.
f O s u s e J
h t e r e z Bla ote this Nic Kanaar wr
jesus of blazereth
This year, Easter Sunday lands conveniently on 4/20, a date that usually stands on its own as a holiday for stoners worldwide. This got The Black Sheep thinking; what if Jesus was the pot-smoking, sandal-wearing, Wakarusa attendee that he resembles in all of those pictures hanging in our grandmother’s living room? Our speculation turned into certainty, and now we present you with some of your favorite New Testament stories if Jesus of Nazareth was a tokin’ Messiah.
The Temptation of a Tripping Jesus After Jesus and John the Baptist frolicked in the water in a “no homo” kind of way, Jesus decided to head into the Judean Desert to fast for forty days and nights. Also to smoke some weed and take a bunch of peyote. Twenty minutes into his trip, Satan appeared to Jesus in the form of what would later be known as a “Venice Beach roller skater.” The devil, who was wearing a tank top and cut-off jean shorts, looked down at the hungry Jesus. “If you are the son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread, or nah?” Satan said. “Nah.” the Son of God replied. The devil shrugged and danced while waving glow sticks in a figure eight pattern, as Jesus could have sworn all of his senses were heightened to a whole new level. Later on, one of the twelve disciples reported that Jesus never actually made it to the desert, but instead sat on the edge of a forest and held down a large stick in fear that “it will surely float away.” Jesus held the branch for forty minutes.
jugs filled with water. Jesus walked over to the jugs, kissed both of his biceps and winked at one of the bridesmaids. He then shot a middle finger towards the jugs of water, thusly turning the liquid into wine. “Boom…” Jesus whispered into the face of his annoying mother. Many scholars believe this was the first miracle of seven that Jesus performed to prove he was the Son of God, but in fact it was just merely the first one of that day. Later on during the wedding, he also converted some of the loaves of bread into tightly rolled joints, a violin into a boom box that strictly played dub-step, and he magically converted one of the palace columns into a skinny metal pole that the female servants could dance on. Jesus Gets the Munchies in Front of 5,000 People On their way to John the Baptist’s funeral, Jesus and the disciples cut the edge with five ounces of Bethsaida’s finest green. Soon a crowd of 5,000 people gathered from nearby towns and followed Jesus during the majority of his trek. It wasn’t long before Jesus started asking people for anything “fried or covered in chocolate.”
The Rage-fest at Cana Jesus and his “bro-sciples” attended a wedding at Cana in Galilee with the sole purpose of getting drunk and putting out some vibes towards the bridesmaids. During the reception, Jesus worked on the holiest of buzzes when suddenly his frantic mother came to him:
“We have only five loaves here and two fish,” the disciples said.
“They have no wine!” Mary said.
Sensing the tension surrounding him, Jesus told his disciples, “Big deal if their hungry, I fasted for forty days and nights once.”
Jesus averted his mother’s eyes and leaned back against a pillar. “Bitch, this don’t concern me yet,” Jesus said. After polishing off his glass of wine, plus the remaining drinks that the disciples were planning on consuming, Jesus decided to take action. Under the Messiah’s instructions, servants of the wedding gathered a bunch of
“Bring them here to me,” Jesus said. The disciples and the large crowd licked their lips in anticipation in hopes for a Jesus miracle. Instead, Jesus took the remaining food, sat on the ground, and ate it all in one sitting as every bystander watched.
“No Jesus,” Matthew said, closing his eyes and rubbing the bridge of his nose, “no you didn’t.” Jesus Raises the Dead Lazarus from His Comfy-Ass Tomb During a chill afternoon, a messenger delivered bad news to Jesus about his friend Lazarus. The message came from Lazarus’ two sisters, Martha and Mary, and informed Jesus that Lazy L is ill. “Righteous,” Jesus said, but then it was explained to him that in this case “ill” meant that Lazarus was dying. Two days later Jesus decided to visit his sick friend. The disciples tried to warn Jesus about the dangers of returning to Judea, but all he heard were the words “Jews love to get stoned.” “Hell yeah, let’s get going,” Jesus said, “and grab one of those jugs of water so we can blast off along the way.” Jesus and his “Holy Thugs” arrived in Bethany shortly after and drunkenly made their way to Martha and Mary’s house. The two sisters were engulfed in grief when Jesus arrived, so he did what any Messiah would do; he turned a loaf of bread into a spliff the size of a baby’s forearm and lit it up. A few puff-puff-passes later, the room started to spin and the sisters kept on bitching about their dead brother. Jesus stood and demanded to be shown to Lazarus’ tomb. Upon arriving at a cave, a stone was removed that blocked the entrance and Jesus yelled:
“Lazarus, get the fuck out!” A confused Lazarus came stumbling out of the tomb and Jesus pushed past him mumbling something along the lines of “I’m cross-fading pretty hard right now.” Jesus slept in the tomb for the next twelve hours. The Hydro Supper For Passover, Jesus and his posse got together at a house in the city for some late night grub. To spice up the night, Jesus made a bong out of a bread bowl so he and the twelve disciples could “get lifted to a whole new spiritual level.” Before they ate, Jesus addressed the group and said “Truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me.” Everyone seated at the table subtly looked towards Judas who had supplied the weed but refused to smoke it because of an upcoming “drug test.” Before an inquiry or accusation could be proclaimed, Jesus jumped up from the table and exhaled a cloud of dank smoke. “Oh shit, are the cops outside?!” Jesus said. The twelve disciples calmed Jesus down and reassured him that neither the cops, nor his parents, were sitting outside in the driveway. The final supper came to an abrupt stop after Jesus claimed the bread to be his body and the wine to be of his blood and insisted everyone to “fucking eat him.” “Damn, Judas, what kind of haze did you bring?” Matthew said, as he tried to coach Jesus out from under the table. The Pass-Out and Resurrection of Jesus Christ A week later, in the city of Golgotha, the eleven remaining disciples looked up at Jesus as he hung limply on a cross. All twelve men shook their heads in disbelief as they reflected on the sad sight before them. Bartholomew was the first to speak. “My God, he’s passed out again,” he said. “I love him, but dis dude can NOT handle his weed,” Thomas said. The disciples lowered their passed-out messiah off of the cross and elected to find a cave for him to sleep in, noting their leader’s previous affinity towards napping in tombs. Three days later, Jesus awoke with massive cravings for potato chips dipped in a milkshake and tried to release himself from the tomb with no avail. Soon an angel descended from heaven, broke the stone blocking the tomb, and let Jesus out. The angel informed Jesus that his father was “getting ready to dish out the ass-whooping of a lifetime” and that he’d better say goodbye to his “hood-rat” friends. Jesus ascended to heaven forty days after his wicked blackout in Golgotha, leaving his teachings to his eleven trusted disciples. The group tried to spread the Son of God’s message, but was met with a lot of skepticism. Mainly due to their reputation as being burnt out potheads who traveled around the Middle East in a blurry haze.
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Year: Senior Favorite Drink: Budweiser Favorite Shot: Jameson
ROCKSTAR OF THE WEEK Barrett of The Levee
Disgusting Drink: Amaretto sour How often do you have to deal with nudity as part of your job?: Thankfully never. What’s the best go-to dance move and why?: The Shower, because it’s so easy. Like, what trends do you expect to be totes fetch this spring?: Cardinals jerseys Who is the best drunk in media history? Why?: Charlie Sheen, because he’s WINNING. What do you want to be when you grow up?: The owner of Anheuser-Busch, but I’d settle with being Yadier Molina’s wife. What’s the most sensuous thing about the lost art of sensuality?: Chivalry Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s the people’s paper.
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the madlib
my 4/20 adventure
For me and all my bros in ___1___, we have grand plans of making the most out of 4/20 landing on a Sunday. But like most groups of stoners, our plans were a little too ambitious. Starting right at the stroke (toke) of midnight, we were going to light up some ___2___ ___3___ our favorite bud, and listen to our jam, ___4___. Then we were going to rip some shots of Hennessy - because rap music - and party until the break of dawn, baby. Our buddy and drug dealer, who goes by ___5___, was going to come over with his vaporizer and we were going to fade away into the night. Naturally, the next morning, the plan was to wake up and, you guessed it, bake some ___6___. There’s usually some stoner movies on TV, like ___7___ or Super High Me, so we were gonna recuperate from the wild night, order some ___8___ and chill, man. Then we were gonna hit up the local disc golf course in ___9___ and smoke our ceremoni-
ous joint at Hole Four, which has to be the ___10___ ___11___ ___12___, which is super, super heady stuff. After the 18th hole, the plan was to head to ___13___, eat a bunch of ___14___, then mosey back to the crib and hit the vaporizer that ___15___ will naturally forget to take with him. But, you know, 4/20 in actuality was a lot more chill for us. For starters, ___16___ got arrested outside of ___17___and we couldn’t get any bud. We were all so depressed at midnight that we went to bed, and then slept in until ___18___. Luckily ___19___ finally got ahold of his ___20___TA and got us a gram of ___21___ ___22___, so taking one hit of that was enough to make me melt into the La-Z-Boy we found in the alley on ___23___. We were all feeling a little lazy to hit up disc golf, so we just stayed at home, played Mario Party and ordered ___24___. We all tried to take some mad resin hits, which actually proved semi-successful.
FROM THE WEB
1) Your dorm freshman year 2) Color 3) Old president 4) Classic rap song 5) Exotic animal 6) Slang for marijuana 7) Recent romantic comedy 8) Local take-out 9) Town outside of your college town 10) Starbucks size 11) U.S. state 12) Dog breed 13) Local diner 14) Breakfast food 15) Person from 6 16) Person from 6 17) Local bar 18) Time between noon and 4 p.m. 19) Most responsible friend 20) School subject 21) Verb-ing 22) Planet 23) Holiday 24) Worst delivery pizza
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CHICKEN RECESSION FOR OLE MISS FANS KNOWLTON BOURNE WROTE THIS
Oxford, MS - This week marked a traumatic date for Ole Miss fans and tailgaters as chicken supplier, Abner’s Famous Chicken Tenders filed for bankruptcy. Danny Williams, Ole Miss dad and long time Grove tailgater found the situation extremely alarming for his upcoming Grove season. “Where in the hell am I supposed to find tepid, dry chicken tenders to supply for my Grove tent this year now that Abner’s might tank? I have so many friends and family banking on my tent having an obnoxious amount of chicken tenders to eat.” Williams, who has supplied his tent with Abner’s chicken since the Eli Administration, continued, “This is an absolute disgrace for Oxford, Mississippi residents and tailgaters alike. Abner’s was the only place I could order enough mediocre chicken to feed a small African country for game days. Now, I’m forced to take my business to another average chicken restaurant for game days.” With Abner’s future business model on the brink of extinction, Oxford will be left with three other chicken outfits, including Zaxby’s, Chic-fil-A and Chicken on a Stick. Sophomore Julia Stepchuck also commented on the atrocity that is Abner’s bankruptcy, saying, “This is a serious shame. Not only is Abner’s chicken always slightly cold and under seasoned but the restaurant has the coolest collection of shit cluttering the walls. I’m really going to miss the red neon lights and Ole Miss memorabilia punching me in the face every time I try to order some tenders.” While the chicken news has devastated thousands of chicken eaters and tailgaters, Ole Miss Chancellor Dan Jones announced that the 2014 football and Grove season will still be held, despite Grove tents being left without the suitable source of protein needed to soak up the unhealthy amount of beer being consumed.
COME PARTY AT THE LEVEE! HAPPY HOUR: 3PM - 8PM MONDAY! HAPPY HOUR: $0.25 WINGS, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL NIGHT (8PM - 12AM): $2 PITCHERS TUESDAY! HAPPY HOUR: $10 BURGER & BOTTOMLESS BEER, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL NIGHT (8PM - 12AM) : 2-FOR-1 WELLS, DOMESTIC BEERS & SHOOTERS
WEDNESDAY! HAPPY HOUR: 2-FOR-1 APPETIZERS AND $3 WELL WHISKEY, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL NIGHT (8PM - 10:30PM) : $2 WELL LIQUOR DRINKS & $1 DRAFT BEERS
THURSDAY! HAPPY HOUR: $5 CHICKEN FINGER BASKET AND FRIES, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL NIGHT (8PM - 12AM) : 2-FOR-1 WELLS, DOMESTIC BEERS & SHOOTERS
FRIDAY! HAPPY HOUR: 2-FOR-1 SPICY CHICKEN SANDWICHES, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL SATURDAY! HAPPY HOUR: $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL
1008 JACKSON AVE E OXFORD, MISSISSIPPI
WEEKLY SPECIALS
NOW SERVING!
BACK ALLEY BBQ Back
Ribs – Pull
To-Go Orders Welcom
MONDAY
$6 Half Slab of Ribs, $1 Mystery Beer
TUESDAY
– Appetize rs –
Smoked BBQ Nachos
House fried tortilla chips smothered with your choic pulled pork or smo ked chicken,cheese sauce, and BBQ sauce. $9.00 jalapenos add $.50
Half-off Quesadillas, $2 House Wine Sausage and Cheese
Smoked sausage with cheddar and pepper jack cheese spears, and jalapen os. $9.00
Bacon Cheese Fries
Basket of tasty frie
WEDNESDAY
2 Sandwiches for $10, $3 Well Whiskey Drinks
FRIDAY
$8 Brew and Cue (BBQ Sandwich, Beer and Fries)
s topped with cheese and bacon. $5 Rebel Nachos House fried tortilla chips topped with a crea my sausag cheese dip. $9.00
THURSDAY
Mozzarella Sticks
Battered mozzarella deep fried served with spicy ranch dipping sauce. 8.00
Half Price Apps.– until Sandwich es – 7pm, 2 for 1 Wells from 7-10:30pm Regular / Jumbo BBQ
Served with fries.
1/4 # of Hickory smo ked pulled pork with slaw / 1/2 # of Hickory smoked pull ed pork with slaw. 8.00 / 9.00
Beef Brisket
Our beef brisket, seas oned and smoked for hours for a de smoky flavor and chop ped served on texas toast. 9.00 Burger
HAPPY HOUR!
Eight ounces of bee f, pickle, onions, lett uce, and tomato mustard and mayo on a ciabatta bun. $8.0 0
Bacon Cheese Burger
Eight ounces of bee f, cheddar or pepper jack cheese, and tw slices of bacon on a ciabatta bun. $9.50
Monday - Friday: $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off Top Shelf The Don Vito
Chicken breast saut eed with onions and tomatoes in a white wine sauce, provolo ne cheese, and ranc h dressing served on ciabatta bun. $9.50 a
The Swog Style Pork
A fried pork loin toss ed in a house made buffalo sauce with lettuce, tomato, onio ns, brown sugar bac on, pepper jack cheese and a fried egg on a ciabatta bun . $10.00
– Quesadil la
s–
Hickory smoked Pull
ed Pork
1/2 # Pulled pork, ched
dar cheese, BBQ sauc
Beef Brisket
e 9.00
Hickory smoked Bris ket, onions, peppers , cheddar cheese with BBQ sauce on the side 9.00
132 COURTHOUSE SQUARE | (662) 513-0588 Chicken
Smoked or Seared Chic ken with onions, pep pers, cheddar cheese served with salsa and sour crea m 9.00 Warning: Consumptio
n of undercooked
meat, poultry, eggs,
or seafood may increa
se