Vol.6, Issue 7
The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
FRE E.. ON . LIKE A SU CAT NDA CHIN YM GA ORN BUZ ING Z .
4/17/14 - 4/30/14
THE SCOOP ON PLACES TO POOP LOGAN LITTLE WROTE THIS We all know the feeling, 1:35 in the afternoon and you thought it would be a good idea to make up for your lack of breakfast with a Burger Studio ‘burg, some oily Pigtail fries, and an extra large “half Sprite - half lemonade” before your 2:00. Just as you’re halfway to your destination, full of greasy goodness and feeling good about being early to your class for once, you feel it. That decision to add a fried egg to your burger at the last minute might not have been the smartest. You don’t have time to contemplate, you need to shit, and we’ve got you covered, location-wise that is.
BRYANT HALL, 2ND FLOOR:
We all know a poop is the perfect time for some deep thinking, and what better place to soul-search and bowel move than Ole Miss’ very own philosophy building? We’re looking at a single-stall, single-urinal setup, so you might encounter an occasional drifter, but no serious traffic. Marble floors, marble sink, and a beautiful view out of a toilet-level window will make you sink into its 3-out-of-5-star-rated toilet seat. Its one downfall is the enormous mirror facing directly at the toilet. If you’ve taken any medically-prescribed amphetamines, be prepared, you will be staring your own shrinkage right in its shriveled-up face.
UNION, 2ND FLOOR:
When the majority of the public is upstairs at the Union, they have one thing on their mind, Subway. Take advantage of this. Walk past the Space Mountain-sized line and follow the well-camouflaged signs to the bathroom. Now, this particular bathroom is going to be one of the larger ones, four-
plus urinals and stalls -- but don’t be intimidated. It’s the same concept as thinking, “I’m too drunk to hang out at Funky’s.” The traffic is minimal at all times, due to the fear of losing a spot in line at Subway. Also its 3-out-of-5-star-rated toilet seats are always polished, as this is considered a bathroom for businessmen.
ISOM HALL, BOTTOM FLOOR:
A little-known fact about Isom Hall is that it used to be a dormitory for girls, which means that its restrooms, one on the second floor and one on the third, only have stalls. However, if you dare to venture past the constantly-chatting theatre majors on the couches, right to the left of the stairs you will find a closet bathroom. A singleurinal, single-stall setup is extremely private, however there is no lock on the main door to the bathroom, so you may encounter very close pee-er traffic. The toilet seat is getting a 2-star rating just because of its age, however the true beauty in the Isom Hall bottom floor bathroom experience is in the beautiful, and poetically racist and homophobic graffiti, which dates back decades.
LIBRARY MEZZANINE, TOP FLOOR:
You’re on Starbucks cup number 4, and cigarette number 11 studying for this goddamn biology test, and your stomach is giving you the “Houston, we have a poo problem.” Have no fear, toss out that cig (nowhere near the James Meredith Statue) and sprint up the four flights of stairs. Once you’re at the top, make your way through the labyrinth of corridors and rooms; if nothing’s fallen out yet you should be right
at a tiny one-person bathroom, with only a traditional toilet and sink set up. Now the one downfall is that this particular area is fucking SILENT. There is no talking, no movement, and most importantly no fan in the bathroom. So unless you’re going to run the sink, if there is ANYONE there, they will hear every detail of your dirty deuce. Its toilet seat gets a surprising 4-out-of-5 comfort rating, and if you catch this spot on the right day, you’re in for a meditative
and satisfying experience.
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PARIS YATES CHAPEL:
It’s not sacrilegious if you really got to go, Jesus would be the last guy to deny anybody a brown splasher. So make every time you go a need-to-go situation, because this bathroom is a true “Holy shit!” traditional toilet and sink set up, with marble floors, 15-foot high ceiling, and a stained glass window at the top. The door locks with
VISIT THE EASTER BUNNY AT THE MALL AND GET SOME ORANGE CHICKEN, TOO.
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perfect security and the one light switch also happens to trigger and automatic fan, perfect for drowning out your post-Panda Express sound bites. The toilet seat gets the only The Black Sheep Approved 5-out-of-5 rating, with a comfort that is only comparable to that of a TempurPedic mattress. Shiny marble floors, a squeaky-clear mirror, and classic paper towels make this bathroom number one on The Black Sheep list of Best Places to Poop on Campus.
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JESUS OF BLAZERETH
EASTER CONVENIENTLY LANDS ON 4/20 THIS YEAR, WHICH MADE US THINK SOME DEEP THOUGHTS, MAN.