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theblacksheeponline.com 11/10/11 - 11/30/11 | Volume 1 Issue 5
Longshots for the Short List: who should be the next Head Coach
monty miller wrote this
Well kids, it happened. The Nutt era is coming to a close. We had some ups, and we had a lot of downs, but things again are looking like a new day. The hiring of a new head coach always creates excitement around the program, with die-hard fans dreaming of SEC West titles and bowl games in New Orleans. There’s just one problem: we suck. You might not think it on account of our good-looking women and high cultural sensibility, but it’s going to be difficult to find a coach willing to clean up all the shit that’s currently smeared all over our football program. Alas, have no fear, Ole Miss faithful, because I’ve done the research and have come up with a list of our best choices to take Houston Nutt’s place. Sure, some of them aren’t actually football coaches, hell, most of them have nothing to do with the sport, but they all bringing a winning tradition to the table. It’s all about results, right? Coach Herman Boone from Remember the Titans: The head coach of the Titans would be a perfect at Ole Miss. Both schools have a rabid fan base full of insane Southerners and both have had notable issues with racism. Warm-ups would involve dancing and chanting, and Gerry Bertier’s ghost would watch over Vaught-Hemingway from above. John Candy’s Character in Cool Runnings: I’m not sure what this guy’s name is, but it’s obvious that he’s a great coach. He coached a bobsled team from Jamaica to the Winter Olympics for Christ’s sake. He also has a long history of cheating, something that’s welcome here in the SEC. Only downside: he’s Canadian. Coach Gordon Bombay: No convincing should be needed here. Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.
Other stuff
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04: Dubstep: A True Story
What happens when people stop being polite and start doing ecstasy.
Apollo Creed: A truly inspirational champion who has the moral fortitude to beat the shit out of someone and then become his trainer. Yes, he was killed in the ring by that Pinko-Commie, but with the money we’d be saving on salary costs by hiring outside of standard NCAA football lineage, I’m sure we could afford to buy a Flux Capacitor off of Doc Brown and go back in time to hire him. Dicky Eklund in The Fighter: Another boxer, but with a radically different approach to victory, and that approach is consuming enormous amount of crack cocaine and methamphetamines. The fact that he can train his brother to a heavyweight title while putting Bobby and Whitney to shame proves his worth. Mr. Miyagi: Miyagi would not only teach players how to reach emotional and spiritual nirvana while on the playing field, but a number of other skills as well, including but not limited to: kick-ass martial arts, bonsai trimming, chopstick usage, car waxing, and interacting with attractive Asian women. Admiral Ackbar: Sure, he would have been a humorous and ironic mascot choice, but the Admiral was truly destined to be the head coach of the Rebels. His personal and professional accomplishments speak for themselves (technically an astronaut, destroyed the Empire, is a squid-humanoid hybrid) and his ability to read and declare defensive schemes (“It’s a corner blitz trap!’) is unprecedented. It’s an exciting time for Ole Miss fans the world over. Gone are the days of up-anddown success, the soaring highs and the crashing lows. A strong coach—if hired—can transform the program into a perennial powerhouse. Unfortunately, like this list, the idea’s more fiction than fact.
07: Let’s Take a Shot Words to Live or Die By—Or, if you’re not dead, you’ll wish you were..
13: The Black Sheep Interviews Double trouble this issue, with Mat Kearney and 12th Planet!