The Black Sheep Fre
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Volume 4, Issue 4 2/29/12 - 3/14/12
True Life: I’m Not Attending PCB 2012
Hannah Weyer wrote this
Back in November I overheard some of my classmates discussing their plans for spring break. They had it planned down to the last detail, from where they were going, to whom they were going with, to who lost at rock paper scissors and had to drive their car. Because it seemed outrageous to plan spring break so anally four months before the fact, I laughed and politely asked if there was something wrong with them. They looked at me ruefully before going back to their plans. Now it’s days away from spring break and I have nothing planned. The original blueprint was to take a train home for the week to see my family. Why? Because on top of being unable to plan for anything more complicated than a bathroom break, I also have no life. Instead of the typical spring break plans (getting belligerent), I had other plans in mind. I was going to have a Lord of the Rings marathon with one of my best friends, sleep a lot and let everyone shower me with early birthday praise. Personally, I thought it was a good plan. Not great, but better than attending school. But last week my mother took home a lovely little something called Swine Flu and now my entire family is incapacitated with topically obsolete sniffles. I cannot go home for fear of spreading the Swine Flu to Kalamazoo and giving everyone yet another thing to blame the Jews for. Nor am I one of those rich Jews that can fly off to Paris for a week because I have nothing better to do. I personally wrote a list of everything I can do for spring break and scratched off every single impossibility. All I was left with are hitchhiking across the continental United States until I’m a) murdered or b) murdered; because there’s only one way that story ends. My last option was to stay on campus. And let me tell you now, I had to create a very comprehensive chart on the pros and cons of being murdered before I gave up and decided to stay on campus. There are several types of people that stay on campus for spring break, and all of them are boring. I never thought of myself as a boring person, despite being the sole sober Bronco. I am interesting on the inside. But we all took the ACTs. We know how this goes. People who stay on campus are boring. I am staying on campus. Logic tells me that I am, in fact, boring. I’m right up there with people who say that the manufacturing of paper is a fascinating process and mean it.
Other stuff
Inside
And I’m going to be stuck in Kalamazoo with those same people, drinking tea at the library (the actual library, not The Library), discussing obscure Quebec separatist literature and painting thrilling watercolors of landscapes and… You know what? Fuck that. I don’t care about violent religious factions in the Middle East and I’m not going to start just because that’s all people around here want to talk about. No, campus is going to be nearly empty and I plan on taking full advantage of that. I’ll start by chugging a bottle of Nyquil and a pot of coffee and painting campus with my vengeful vandalism. Maybe afterwards I will befriend a squirrel- I’ve always wanted an army of rodent minions who are utterly devoted to me. Maybe I’ll become addicted to meth and spend the entire break without pants, not unlike many others who will be in Florida for spring break. Hell, maybe I’ll even get a job. But whether I decide to devote my week to contributing fantastic new insults to the English language (I kind of like “douchenoodle”) or slapping on a fake mustache to buy my first illegal beer, you can be damn sure I’m not going to just let myself become even more boring. No, I am going to use spring break to salvage my awesome, duel a wild animal to reclaim my honor and, yeah, probably become addicted to meth. And that’s a hell of a lot more interesting than what you had planned, so suck it.
Everyone has them, but only you pee your pants when you’re nervous.
One Does Not Simply Create A Meme Page and Go Unnoticed!
see page 5
see page 5
That Awkward Moment on Campus
WMU Memes
let's go to central!
We tried to string together a really vulgar set of words, turned out it was uttered once.
see page 7
Shit Broncos Never Say