The Black Sheep
fr e Fr e... ee un h lik re e po th rt e .
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 1 • 3/14/13 - 3/20/13
theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheep_PSU
Police to Cancel St. Patrick’s Day following State Patty’s Massacre David Porter Callanan wrote this State College police announced on Wednesday that they will be canceling the nationwide holiday known as Saint Patrick's Day after 138 students were killed on State Patty's Day, simply from drinking alcohol. The 138 State Patty's day casualties were an improvement from last year’s death toll of 225. This was likely due to a heavier presence of police and stricter policies enforced by officers on patrol. Many believe that the letter sent to Penn State students prior to State Patty’s day deterred students from drinking heavily and in turn saved over 100 lives. In the letter, police referred to State Patty’s as “9/11 part 2” and threatened to fine students for listening to Nicki Minaj on the day of the event. The local police will now take similar measures to make sure no one even thinks about having fun on Saturday, March 16th. "Any student wearing green or caught looking like they’re thinking about drinking a beer will be arrested on spot," said State College Police Chief Paul Blart. "Students with any trace of Irish heritage are advised to not leave their houses the entire day, as they simply cannot be trusted." The most hazardous form of alcohol according to Blart is the dreaded “Irish car bomb.” A car bomb contains a pint of Guinness, a shot of Jamison Irish Whiskey, and a shot of Bailey’s Irish Cream, and according to some “it kinda tastes like chocolate milk, bro.” The car-bomb alone took over 90 lives and injured upwards of 300 on State Patty’s Day. Blart cited early-20th century American prohibition and its effectiveness before announcing similar plans for Saint Patrick’s Day. Any place distributing alcohol will also be closed on March 17, including local bars, liquor stores, and any department store that houses alcohol-based sanitizers. Local State College businesses will once again be given a stipend for not operating during their usual hours. Police Chief Blart, mumbling and coughing, said the money would come from “somewhere unimportant like student’s tuition dollars or something like that.” He added that students have yet to figure out how to preemptively stockpile alcohol in their apartments and homes, which “pretty much guarantees” everyone will stay sober. “If we close down all the bars, students of legal drinking age will be forced into their homes unsupervised,” said Blart. “This is the only way we can not only assure that kids will stay sober, but also ensure my police force doesn’t have to put forth any more than the bare-minimal effort we do otherwise.” Some students have questioned Blart’s logic, but have remained quiet on the issue because of the local police’s tyrannical rule over the area. Blart has noted that “Yeah, we’re keeping an eye on the ‘social medias’,” which has led students to fear for their general well being. “Kids are just going to buy all the alcohol beforehand and be even more rowdy than before,” said Brad James (junior, common sense). “Also, please don’t use my name, I want to live.”
Troops Liberate Pollack Testing Death Center
In the meantime, the local police have released a list of sober activities to help beautify State College on Saint Patrick’s Day and make it a safer place to live. The list includes the following: - Watering local gardens with your urine - Beat up the homeless guy that lives downtown - Pretend like it’s THON weekend again - Help out your neighbors by testing their car alarms - Paint homes without permission In addition to the heavy police presence and closure of local alcohol distributors, the Penn State Interfraternity Council (IFC), not to be confused with the Independent Film Channel, also announced they will comply with police orders by not allowing students to host parties on Saint Patrick’s Day. This marks the third time this year that the IFC has implemented a self-imposed ban, leading some to believe they have “gone soft.” “This is like if the Republican Party stopped caring about the Second Amendment,” said Mark Weathers (sophomore, GDI). “If they don’t stand up for our right to party who will?”
what'’s inside
Three Painfully obvious signs You’ve Been Friend Zoned
Everyone’s least favorite place on campus nearly claims innocent lives once again.
The only time that the phrase “I love you” actually makes you want to die.
page 4
page 9
The Mike's Hard Taste Test We tried ten different flavors and hardly even got a buzz.
pages 12-13