Penn State - Issue 1 - 12/6/12

The Black Sheep Presents the fun AND games fInals issue

Volume 1, Issue 1 12/6/12 - 12/14/12

theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheep_PSU

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contents page 4: The madlib Distract yourself from studying by filling in the _____________!

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

page 5

page 5: GRIEVANCES FROM THE NITTANY LION FAMOUS PSU MASCOT SHARES a few WHITE PEOPLE PROBLEMS.

Table of

page 7: from the streets how do you carry on your college lifestyle at home?

page 10: Christmas movies drinking game make your millionth time watching a christmas story a special one.

pages 12: the word search Pretty self-explanatory guys, kids from pitt could figure this one out.

page 7

Meet The Staff campus manager Jessica Tucker

PR Manager Annie Maines

Advertising ManagerS Uzo Alcholonu

pr team Theresa Somers, Taylor Gurski

Writers Kayla Danielle Driscoll David Porter Callanan, Ben Nargi Devin Cox, Brady Rees

campus director Quinn Myers

distribution manager Greg Daniele distribution assistant Jackie Se photographer You? You!

owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com

Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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Company Penn State Sub Shop Philadelphia Pretzel Factory Pita Pit Subway Taco Bell Bell's Greek Pizza All-American Rathskellar Bar Bleu Bill Pickles Tap Room Brewery, Inc. Café 210 West Central Pennsylvania Festival of the Arts The Corner Room Chronictown The Darkhorse Tavern G-Man

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word of the week borantine:

The act of locking oneself into a quiet area to force oneself to study for an upcoming exam.

"Neil put himself into borantine because he knew Adam and Keith would force him to play beer pong, and he really needed to ace his biology exam."

page 4

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are you smarter than? the boombox guy 1) United States History: Lee Harvey Oswald assassinated President John F. Kennedy from this Dallas location in 1963.

6) Entertainment: Kurt Russell and Nick Nolte - among others - failed to land a role as this iconic science fiction character.

2) Food: The Trinidad Moruga Scorpion is currently the world’s hottest chili. Chili heat is measured in these units.

7) Literature: This author of the acclaimed novel Infinite Jest is beloved by hipsters and academics alike.

3) Geography: These plates’ edges are found at fault lines around the world. What huge pieces of rock make up the Earth’s crust?

8) World Religion: Medina is the second holiest city in the Islam faith. Which city is considered the holiest?

4) Math: Describe the radius, diameter and circumference of a circle.

9) Biology: What is Ribonucleic Acid more commonly known as?

5) Technology: The daguerreotype was the first commercially successful method of this.

10) Current Events: Name the former Director of the CIA that was forced to resign in light of an extramarital affair.

correct answers:

boombox guy’s answers 1) Local Library 2) No Answer 3) Tectonic plates.

4) Radius is from a point on the outside of a circle to it's center, diameter is the distance across a circle, and circumference is

1) Texas School Book Depository 2) Scoville Units 3) Tectonic plates 4) Radius is from a point on the outside of a circle to it’s center, diameter is the distance across a circle, and circumference is the distance around a circle.

5) Photography 6) Han Solo 7) David Foster Wallace 8) Mecca 9) RNA 10) General David Petraeus

the madlib

boombox guy's score: 5/10 correct

why we love finals week!!!

I love finals week at Penn State. While most people my age get screwed over by their professors, as a(n) _______1________ major, my finals are easy and _______2________!

Sometimes, I don’t even have any! Even though most kids study for nights on end, I prefer a more _______3________ approach when preparing to take my finals. During the day of the final, I start off waking up around ________4_______. I make myself a giant plate of _______5________ and drink at least a gallon of _______6________ to really stimulate my _______7________. As I catch the ________8_______ loop to the Stacks, I put on some ______9_________ to help get me in the mood. I really love their music. I make sure to stop at my best friend, _______10________‘s dorm at _______11________ Halls to smoke a bunch of _______12________. It helps make the time fly. I will also make a quiz for myself, and every time I get an answer wrong, I have to flash my _______13________ at one the Pattee librarians. Once I conquer my finals, it’s time to party. I head on down to my favorite Greek house, ______14_________.

Those _______15________ are so cute, and I could stare at them for hours. The next day when I wake up, I usually have a few missed calls from my _______16________, asking when I am going to head home. I pack up all my _______17________ and say _______18________ to my roommates. It may be only _______19________ before I see them next, but I miss them already!

By: ben nargi

the distance around a circle.

5) No Answer 6) Han Solo 7) Orson Wells 8) Mecca 9) DMA 10) Petraeus

1.) Your major 2.) Adjective 3.) Adjective 4.) Time of day 5.) Food 6.) Liquid 7.) Body part 8.) Color 9.) Least Favorite Band 10.) Ex boyfriend/girlfriend’s name 11.) Geographical direction 12.) Chemical 13.) Body part 14.) Least Favorite Sorority / Fraternity 15.) Obscene term for your gender (plural) 16.) Relative 17.) Plural Noun 18.) Accusatory exclamation 19.) Length of time

The Top 10

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page 7

things we’re surprised didn’t happen in 2012 10.) Riots: History of riots at PSU: November 2008: Penn State students received national attention for a riot celebrating the football team’s victory against Ohio State. May 2010: Penn State students praised by media for rioting after some really bad jerk of a terrorist was killed.

November 2011: Media criticizes Penn State students for rioting after the firing of football coach Joe Paterno. 2012: Penn State students didn’t riot at all, despite some pretty bad stuff happening. Take that MEDIA!

The Nittany Lion

Airs his Grievances for Festivus psu staff wrote this Hey there, fellow Lions, Thanks for supporting old Nittany here, especially after last year’s Feats of Strength left seventeen students dead. Hey, lion be lion, you know? Well, I’ve been on my meds for a little over a year now and I’ve mellowed out a bit, plus I signed an agreement with Pennsylvania Animal Control that explicitly states that I can only participate in the Airing of Grievances this Festivus season. Hey, even if the walls don’t end up blood-spattered, let’s hope we can leave a couple of folks emotionally crippled.

Fur-st, I’ve got a bone to pick with those of you who line up with me to take pictures over graduation. You couldn’t have come the day before? Now I have to sit here while you all rub your filthy human hands on me while your geriatric, good-for-nothing parents voyeuristically look on. You know they’re still ashamed of you, right? I can smell it in their genitals.

To The Collegian – thanks for running the “Mounting Nittany” column last year. I have to sit here and look the other way while countless students awkwardly dry hump on my back. It’s great. Oddly enough, Kristina Helfer, this is how you were conceived—some dude rubbed up against a cold, dry pussy while everyone involved felt really ashamed.

And don’t get me started on the over-excited tools who guard me over homecoming – you think you’re really doing the Lord’s work huh?

Why? Because some Syracuse assholes threw pain on me like, 50 years ago? You know I’d much rather have someone vandalize me, get caught, go to court and do time than have

them be scared off by a bunch of anemic posers who find this fun. Jesus H. Christ, go have a beer or something. I can handle myself.

I’m a lion, cat’s got claws.

I also raise a stiff middle finger to the campus tour guides that drag potential freshmen by me, effusively spewing nonsense about my rich tradition. Really? This is what you think these kids came to see? Draw them a map that gets them from North Halls to the Allen Street Grill to Jimmy John’s, then to Student Health Center. That should take care of just about everything.

To the kid who drives the yellow Lamborghini: Why? Have you been to college? You realize that unwashed, broke degenerates get laid here like, all of the time. It’s hard to throw a rock more than 100 feet without hitting some unshaven frat guy slipping it in some fishy-smelling female. Save the gaudy status symbol for old men with broken penises.

To the powers that be who cancelled afternoon class for Hurricane Sandy: You cancelled classes for the first time in years, for what was essentially a drizzle and a little wind here in Happy Valley. Let’s get some love for the real storms! Or just the days when it’s really cold…

And finally, the finest of hate to the rest of the student body. You know what it’s like to sit here day-in and day out as students just glare at me? I feel like your grandpa, revered, but ultimately ignored, seen as little more than a relic of an age gone by. I just—I need a way out. I’m old, cold, and no one actually cares about me. Just leave your cigarette buds smoking under my nose, though, that’d be a Festivus Miracle.

9.) Day-longs: Greeks run Penn State.

Not like people from the Mediterranean, they can’t even run their own country. We’re talking about frats and sororities. This year the PSU inter-fraternity council (IFC) banned a tradition amongst frat bro’s and sorority chicks - day-long parties. No pinnies, no bros crushing kegs, no one upchucking their souls before noon. Some students were even forced to do work on Saturday afternoon in order to occupy their time. This was the biggest tragedy in Penn State history. Never forget.

8.) Portal to real-life Narnia actually not found: In August, local student and Black Sheep writer Brandon “Hurricane” Smith purchased a wardrobe from goodwill under the impression that it was, in fact, a real-life portal to the world of Narnia. Giddy to meet that talking lion and witness whatever else goes on in Narnia, Smith brought the wardrobe home and sat in the empty piece of furniture for a good twelve hours, entranced and amazed when the wardrobe actually did take him to Narnia. When he woke up sitting naked in the wardrobe the next day, muscles strained and brain fried, he vowed to never do peyote again.

7.) CATA bus murders: Usually the loops provide a breeding ground for suppressed feelings and perceived injustices committed towards certain individuals. In the past, this has manifested into the CATA Bus Murders. However with all of the media scrutiny Penn State has received over the past few months, even the closet psychopaths have lowered their knives and shivs in respect to letting the school heal over the Sandusky scandal.

6.) Attacks on the Willard Preacher: Do you believe in freedom of speech for every US citizen? If you answered yes, there is no way you have ever met the Willard Preacher. Gary Cattell has preached about that Jesus guy and all that heaven stuff outside of the Willard building for thirty years. This year marked another without a physical attack on the preacher, which leads us to believe this school truly has no balls.

5.) Frats kicked off campus: No frats were kicked off campus this year, a feat no one believed we could accomplish. You really let us down, bros. You’re supposed to torture your pledges until they almost die an alcohol-related death. You’re supposed to rage harder than anyone else to the newest EDM music until the cops bust your party. Welp, there’s always next year.

4.) Death in the stacks: Despite being haunted by the ghost of little Betsy Aardsma, and despite people spending hours looking for books in the labyrinth that is the stacks, no one died… Yet. There is still time, and finals are right around the corner – someone could get a little wild during stacks-sex and suffer some pretty freakish paper cuts – fingers crossed.

3.) Full semester of classes: Thanks to a little help from Mother Nature - and a class-one hurricane - the students of Penn State got to check one thing off their “Oh-this-will-never-happen” list. For the first time in 400 years, those uptight, God-fearing administrators canceled a few classes. Unfortunately, it will probably take a few fatal bus crashes to cancel another day due to weather, so cross your fingers and hope they forget to slap on those snow tires!

2.) Visit from Obama or Romney: Given our recent track record with the media, and our inability to keep our hands to ourselves, it’s only natural that the president and challenger “forgot” to visit Penn State, much in the same way we all hope for a leper to be cured of their illness while instead sending them warm wishes whilst poking them with a 10 foot pole. This was the thought process behind both campaign managers, and the primary reason why we saw neither of the candidates.

1.) Winless season from football team: Expectations were incredibly low for PSU football following the NCAA’s Iran-like sanctions on the program, which caused many players to transfer and prospects to de-commit. New head coach Bill O’Brien and the Nittany Lions responded by posting a winning record and shattering PSU’s individual offensive records in the process.

It may not have been a perfect season, but it will never be forgotten by the Penn State faithful who stood by the team in its darkest hour.

psu staff wrote this

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The Bar Grid Happy Hour Every Night 10PM-Midnight!

EVERYDAY! $7 Bacardi Pitchers $5.50 Miller Lite Pitchers $6 Cafe Tea Pitchers $6.75 Flavored Tea Pitchers

Specials (10pm-2am) $2 Shots and Teas, $3 Bombs, $3 22oz Bacardi Drinks, $3 Bud Light and Miller Lite 16oz Aluminum Bottles

Everyday: $3 Pints, $9 Pitchers

Happy Hour 10pm-12am: $2 ABC's, $3 Grey Goose $1.50 Bud Lite Drafts (All Day)

Pop Culture Party w/ DJ EFX $7.50 Bud Light Pitchers All Day Happy Hour 10pm-12am: Half Off the House (Half Price Liquor + Mixed Drinks)

$5.95 Café Wraps $7 Smirnoff Vodka 32oz Pitchers $6 Bud Light Pitchers Happy Hour 9pm- 11pm: 1/2 Price Apps, Drinks & Drafts Public Domain- 10:30pm

Specials (10pm-2am) $2 Shots and Teas, $3 Bombs, $3 22oz Bacardi Drinks, $3 Bud Light and Miller Lite 16oz Aluminum Bottles

$3 Pints, $9 Pitchers Happy Hour: 10pm -12am Local Beer: $2.50 Pints (10pm-2am): $2.50 Drinks: Bourbon and Coke, Spiced Rum and Coke, Arnie Palmer, Space Herpes, and Pineapple Upside Down Cake

Happy Hour 10pm-12am: $3 Absolute Bacardi Flavors, $2 Blue Moon Drafts (All Day)

Flower Power 5-7 and Rock 'n' Roll All Night! $9 Blue Moon Pitchers All Night Happy Hour 10pm-12am: $3.75 Absolut & 3 Olives Drinks, $2.75 Moonshines

$1.00 off All Buffalo Items $6.00 Yuengling Pitchers Happy Hour 6pm- 8pm: 1/2 Price Skillet Fries, Drinks and Drafts

Specials (10pm-2am) $2 Shots and Teas, $3 Bombs, $3 22oz Bacardi Drinks, $3 Bud Light and Miller Lite 16oz Aluminum Bottles

$3 Pints, $9 Pitchers Happy Hour: 10pm -12am Local Beer: $2.50 Pints $3 Drinks: Bourbon and Coke, Spiced Rum and Coke, Arnie Palmer, Space Herpes, and Pineapple Upside Down Cake

Happy Hour 10pm-12am: $3 Absolute Bacardi Flavors, $2 Blue Moon Drafts (All Day)

Free for All Music Fest w/ DJ EFX! $9 Blue Moon Pitchers All Day Happy Hour 10pm-12am: $3.75 Absolut & 3 Olives Drinks, $2.75 Moonshines

$1.00 off all Grinders $8 Leinenkugel Pitchers $7 Bacardi Oak Heart Pitchers Happy Hour 9pm- 11pm: 1/2 Price Drinks and Drafts

Specials (10pm-2am) $2 Shots and Teas, $3 Bombs, $3 22oz Bacardi Drinks, $3 Bud Light and Miller Lite 16oz Aluminum Bottles

$3 Pints, $9 Pitchers Happy Hour: 10pm -12am Local Beer: $2.50 Pints $3 Drinks: Bourbon and Coke, Spiced Rum and Coke, Arnie Palmer, Space Herpes, and Pineapple Upside Down Cake

SUN.

Full menu + Brunch 11am - 2pm

NFL Sunday Ticket! $7.50 Bud Light Pitchers All Day Happy Hour 10pm-12am: Half Off the House + $2 Miller Lite Drafts, $6 Miller Lite Pitchers

Closed

Specials (10pm-2am) $2 Shots and Teas, $3 Bombs, $3 22oz Bacardi Drinks, $3 Bud Light and Miller Lite 16oz Aluminum Bottles

$3 Pints, $9 Pitchers Happy Hour: 10pm -12am Local Beer: $2.50 Pints (10pm-2am): $2.50 Drinks: Bourbon and Coke, Spiced Rum and Coke, Arnie Palmer, Space Herpes, and Pineapple Upside Down Cake

MON.

Check out our awardwinning wine list! Voted best wine list by State College Mag!

Monday Night Football! $7.50 Molson Pitchers All Day Happy Hour 10pm-12am: Half Off the House (Liquor, Mixed Drinks, Coors Light Bottles) + $2 Miller Lite Drafts, $6 Miller Lite Pitchers

Pong Night! $2.50 Burger Baskets with Fries, $3.50 Jack n Cokes, $5 Shocktop Belgian White 32oz Pitchers Happy Hour 9pm- 11pm: 1/2 Price Apps, Drinks & Drafts

Specials (10pm-2am) $2 Shots and Teas, $3 Bombs, $3 22oz Bacardi Drinks, $3 Bud Light and Miller Lite 16oz Aluminum Bottles

$3 Pints, $9 Pitchers Happy Hour: 10pm -12am Local Beer: $2.50 Pints (10pm-2am): $2.50 Drinks: Bourbon and Coke, Spiced Rum and Coke, Arnie Palmer, Space Herpes, and Pineapple Upside Down Cake

TUES.

5 Consecutive Awards from Wine Spectator - Come Try Some Tonight!

Country Crossover 9-2! $7.50 Bud Pitchers All Day Happy Hour 10pm-12am: $2.75 Jack & Mixers, $2.50 Lynchburgs and Alabama Slammers, $1.50 Coors Banquet Btls., 1/2 Price ML Drafts & Bottles

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Specials (10pm-2am) $2 Shots and Teas, $3 Bombs, $3 22oz Bacardi Drinks, $3 Bud Light and Miller Lite 16oz Aluminum Bottles

$3 Pints, $9 Pitchers Happy Hour: 10pm -12am Local Beer: $2.50 Pints (10pm-2am): $2.50 Drinks: Bourbon and Coke, Spiced Rum and Coke, Arnie Palmer, Space Herpes, and Pineapple Upside Down Cake

WED.

Happy Hour 10pm-12am: $2.50 Bacardi Flavors, $3 Sam Adams Drafts, 1/2 off Corona and Corona Lite Bottles

Take Me Home Tonight w/ DJ EFX 9PM! $9 Sam Adams Lager Pitchers All Day Happy Hour 10pm-12am: Half Off the House (Liquor, Mixed Drinks, Coors Light Bottles) + $2 Miller Lite Drafts, $6 Miller Lite Pitchers

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Specials (10pm-2am) $2 Shots and Teas, $3 Bombs, $3 22oz Bacardi Drinks, $3 Bud Light and Miller Lite 16oz Aluminum Bottles

$3 Pints, $9 Pitchers Happy Hour: 10pm -12am Local Beer: $2.50 Pints (10pm-2am): $2.50 Drinks: Bourbon and Coke, Spiced Rum and Coke, Arnie Palmer, Space Herpes, and Pineapple Upside Down Cake

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Happy Hour 10pm-12am: $3 Absolute Bacardi Flavors, $2 Blue Moon Drafts (All Day)

page 9

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From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask?

FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

how do you carry on you college lifestyle at home?

“I drink beer out of my mother’s flower vases.” - Jeremy K., Sophomore

How To Get Arrested During Finals Week

brady rees wrote this

Look, we’re fast approaching finals here at PSU. Finals have a way of breaking people, and with the oncoming storm of stressors, chemical ingestions, and alcohol relief in the forecast, there are a number of ways to fall into trouble at University Park. The most susceptible are often underclassmen, as you’ll find them calling their parents from the stacks, while also texting that weird kid over 21 to get them some cheap vodka. Let’s look over some sure-fire ways to get blue-lighted in State College.

As Jim Lahey once famously uttered, “Beware, my friend, shit winds are a’comin’.”

- You can start by raiding your friend’s giant, horse-pill Adderalls, then counting/removing the ceiling panels from Meridian II. Also, by avoiding the guy in the Allman Brothers shirt’s acid, you can accomplish a lot more than just walking campus and declaring “sanctuary” in that weird cave under Willard -- even if the cave is jail and you’re folding and re-folding your sheets.

- Keep threatening 1-800-NITTANY, keep leaving “suspicious packages” in the parking garages, and by all means, ask any and all staff for information regarding “the campus tunnel system” and “if they are considered international waters.”

- Pose nude in the Bio-Life fountain, and wait until the fire department has to walk across the street to pull you out.

- Pull down telephone poles and street signs. You’re in Beaver Canyon; No one will spot it, really. Historically, these things have gone unnoticed on our campus.

- Locate the Paterno statue. Take some tips from National Treasure, first. It could be a great apartment piece for you design-conscious Nittany Lions!

- Try to plant an actual garden in the lobby of the Kern Graduate Building.

- Hit “Reply All” to those President Erickson emails, claim that bastard sent dick pics to you.

- You could always wear a “Bush/Cheney ‘04” t-shirt to Webster’s. Explain your views on the “Economic Growth and Tax Relief Reconciliation Act of 2001.” After you’re beaten with hard cover prints of Chomsky, cuffs and a free ride out of there won’t seem so bad.

“I get drunk and take my pants off.”

- Adam D., Senior

- You could enroll in, and subsequently fail EGEE 110, otherwise known as “Safety Science.” The same goes for THEATRE 100.

They may not arrest you, but someone will come for you – someone with the pretense of “population control.”

- Park in a lot other than Orange. Wait for campus Decepticons to have their way with your Corolla.

- Go to the Hamiton Ave. liquor store, and demand they sell you something other than flavored Pinnacle.

- Burn down your roommate’s Bob Marley, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Boondock Saints posters from your dorm walls. This is a sure fire way to get a meeting with the Office of Student Conduct.

- Go the bookstore, and buy ALL the PSU “Blue Books.” Sell them for profit in that creepy tunnel behind Rapid Transit.

- Walk into “The Animal Kingdom” on Allen St. and ask for their “back-room” selection. “You know, the Real Dolls and stuff.”

- Start a “RIP Silas Redd” Facebook group, openly explain that he’s “not dead… yet.”

There are so many options, you just have to find them.

Opportunities for incarceration are everywhere! Just think of how proud your family will be when you come home for break, and get to explain that you got arrested because you thought Mad Mex was actually a Mad Max themed bar, and you got too Thunderdome-y.

Take your time, study, relax with your friends, and study more.

Finals are rough for everyone. If you have to get arrested, college is the best time, a “drunk and disorderly” looks much worse when you’re pinned down in your cubicle instead of frat row.

“I let Momma-Lynne casually find me asleep on my bathroom floor at 7 a.m.”

- Chelsea F., Sophomore

page 8

theblacksheeponline.com

Quiz: Which Penn State Late Night Eatery Is Right For You? Penn State’s downtown area is like Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory for drunks and bar hoppers alike. Around every corner you can find a nice place to sit down and stuff your face with “food” that even kids from Darfur would consider questionable. The only thing more demolished than Penn State’s football program is our student body’s diet plans. Here at The Black Sheep, we created a small quiz designed to help you choose a late night eatery to throw away your money and happiness. By: Devin Cox

“On a typical Friday night…”

1.) How drunk are you?

A) “I’ve only had a drink or two…”

B) “Dude, this is seriously my favorite song… MY FAVORITE!” C) “I just texted my ex-girlfriend. What do you think she’s doing right now, man?”

D) “Can… Can you guys stop spinning…?”

5.) What do the words “food quality” mean to you?

A) “Um, I only eat natural ingredients, thank you.”

B) “Taco Bell is soooooo gooooood.”

C) “Hey guys! Someone just left this perfectly good half-a-hotdog lying on the ground!”

D) “High Fructose Corn—ehh, f*ck it.

2.) How strong is your stomach?

A) “I can eat broken glass.”

B) “I drink my coffee black.”

C) “Whoa, that hot sauce is a liiiiittle too spicy for me…”

D) “Is this soy milk? Because I’m a little bit lactose intolerant…”

6.) How much diarrhea are you willing to have tomorrow morning?

A) “None what-so-ever.”

B) “BRING IT.” C) “I already got the Pepto-Bismol…”

D) “I keep an extra roll of TP for situations like this.”

3.) How stoned are you?

A) “Hahahahah…Yeah. No. It was just the way you said it…”

B) “Um. I’m in criminal justice. That’s illegal.”

C) “Dude, I keep feeling my phone vibrate when it’s not…”

D) “Hahaha… Wait. Shit, is that a cop?”

7.) How many calories have you consumed today?

A) “NOT ENOUGH!!”

B) “Probably too much.”

C) “Who gives a shit?”

D) “682. My diet says I can have at least…”

4.) How broke are you?

A) “I have a job."

B) “My mom just dropped a few bucks in there…”

C) “It’s cool, I just won’t eat a lot tomorrow or the next day…”

D) “Yo man, can I just bum like a dollar if you’ve got it?”

8.) How much self-hatred are you willing to handle tomorrow?

A) “I’m definitely going to start my diet on Monday."

B) “Whatever… I’m young."

C) “I’m going to have to run at least 6 miles tomorrow."

D) “I already hate myself.”

1: A= 4 B=3 C=2 D=1 2: A=1 B=2 C=3 D=4

3: A=2 B=4 C=3 D=1 4: A=4 B=3 C=2 D=1

5: A=4 B=2 C=1 D=3 6: A=4 B=1 C=3 D=2

7: A=4 B=2 C=3 D=1 8: A=2 B=3 C=1 D=4

answer key

0-9 points: grillers You’re broke, you’re sober, and you are fully prepared to stuff your gut with “food” far from anything found in that nutrition pyramid in the campus catalogue. Maybe it’s time you install a seatbelt on that toilet of yours.

10-17 points: canyon pizza You're kind of hungry, and the alcohol running through your brain isn't screaming at you to eat everything in front of you. You want to stay kind of healthy, but hey, you didn't eat dinner before you went out, so you deserve it.

18-25 points: insomnia cookies The amount of alcohol consumption and bong hits you’ve ripped have led you down a destructive path right to diabetic shock. Lucky for you, the best remedy for a drunken sob-session is drowning yourself in warm cookies and cold milk.

25-32 points: are u hungry You haven’t spent all your money at the bar tonight, and you’re looking to top off the night with a sandwich crafted by the Gods. Dig around in that collegeknowledge based culinary imagination and scrape together a few drunk foods you’d love to see in between two slices of bread.

real talk with mizz kuh: your love life in 2013 Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 20) Everything happens for a reason. Remember how upset you were about that required class you had to take at 8a.m.? Well say hello an afternoon delight-worthy Gemini who suddenly makes seeing the sunrise a beautiful thing.

Bonus: Free rides home on Tuesdays and Thursdays!

But be careful, because you still have to wake up stupid early to go to the damn thing.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) Bad things come to those who wait. The cafeteria cutie smiles at you when you order extra cheese on Taco Tuesdays, but it only leads to being hella gassy later. When new employees roll in come late February, you’re suddenly more interested in Sundae Sundays.

Bonus: Your calcium intake won’t change at all!

But be careful, because ice cream when you’re hungover is a terrible idea.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) Idle hands are the Devil’s playground, and we all know how much you love spending time with that asshole. If you ever opened your fluttery eyes, you’d notice how many people don’t hang out in playgrounds. Try opening a book in February, even if it’s only your MacBook in a very public coffee shop.

Bonus: You may just find the thick-rimmed-glasses hottie you’ve always wanted!

But be careful, because coffee will stain your pretty white teeth.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) If you give an inch, they take a mile. Sure, you just really want to make out with the hottie down the hall, but that doesn’t mean they should drink your handle dry. For God sakes grow some balls, stop supplying booze for the mooch (a, what, psycho Aries?) and start seeing your real friends again.

Bonus: More money in your pocket and less pathetic phone calls to the parents!

But be careful, because hottie down the hall still has your sweet bong, better get that back, chief.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) A picture is worth a thousand words, which explains why you do more staring at hotties than actual interaction with them. We know it’s scary to get rejected, but it’s scary sitting alone with a bottle of wine every night, too. Rekindle with an alwayshad-a-crush-on friend around the holidays, because a New Year’s kiss will start 2013 out just right.

Bonus: You’ll have a drinking buddy!

But be careful, because sloptastic kisses don’t leave good impressions.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) The meek might inherit the Earth, but you will rule the shit out of it until then. Roaring your way into every bar in town is fulfilling, but it’s a bit overwhelming at times because drunks just can’t help but drool over you. Grace one person’s presence and stick with them around the holidays.

Bonus: Someone to get freak-ay with all the time!

But be careful, because you might just get bored by next weekend’s bedtime.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) They say you should do one thing every day that scares you, and you can only take that one way. You’d rather find an interesting place on campus to get a little sexy with than just about anything else. Look out for a cutie towards the beginning of spring, an empty dressing room, and then a place with cheap beer.

Bonus: You’ll finally start accomplishing that bucket list!

But be careful, because you don’t want to get banned from your favorite clothing store.

Virgo (August 23 - Sept. 22) Drunk words are sober thoughts and by God you need to shut your Twitter. Have you even seen your drunken tweets? Circa Saturday at 3:23 a.m.? “once you go black you gettt shots and joints heyyyyyyyyyy.” While Twitter has a delete function, your ethnic friends’ memories do not, you racist.

Bonus: Never hurts to date a stoner!

But be careful, because you’re suddenly listening to way more Sublime than you ever thought.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

So you got your heart broken right as the school year started, and it’s been a tough time gettin’ back on your feet. Keep your eye out around the holiday’s for a particularly caring cutie who will appreciate your newfound strength.

Bonus: This may just be the person who loves egg nog as much as you do.

But be careful, because rushing into anything too quick will make you queasy.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. The problem is, you could give a fuck. It’s good to speak your mind but, just like Instagram, a good filter can really work wonders. Find a kind Pisces (who you’ll want to use that filter around) and a place to talk less, like the movies.

Bonus: We heard Lincoln was awesome!

But be careful, because shedding a tear on the first date might be a little too emotional.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) You’re only as good as the company you keep, and you’ve been doing some appropriate cleaning up. Great job, but now you have to find new peeps who won’t screw you over. We’ve got a feeling a co-worker around springtime will be just the person to get you back on your feet.

Bonus: Spring cleaning means you’ll finally get those pipes cleaned out!

But be careful, because relationship drama at work is only fun for about three hours.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20) If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. Just like when you lent your favorite lighter to the cute Cancer you met at the bar, you know that if everything really does happen for a reason, you’ll see them again and get that Bic back. Stop daydreaming for one minute, think about the people that really matter, and go get ‘em.

Bonus: Maybe losing your lighter will finally cut your smoking habit!

But be careful, because getting into a habit of bumming cigs is just rude.

s ' n o s k c a J e l c n

U y z a r C

! ! ! a z n a n o b t e k s a

b t f i g 0 2 $

Hi there, it’s your favorite crazy uncle here, Andrew Jackson! When I’m not busy being the long-dead seventh President of the United States, I’m all about saving college students some money. Why, in my day those crazy college kids, they where the best—they’d rub a piss-soaked sheepskin in a Scotsman’s face and call it a Tuesday! Now, you’re getting ahead of yourself ole’ Andrew, you’re on the $20, and that’s ‘bout all kids got to spend on gifts this holidee season, so what can ya’ll kids get, and for whom?

for the very virginal Wallflower, shy guy, “Hey, isn’t that the guy who had his face mangled by a rabid squirrel?”, whatever he’s called, it’s all shorthand for, “This dude has certainly never felt the carnal pleasures of a woman.” He knows it, you know it, and he knows you know it. This holiday season give him some pep in his step by providing him a gift pack that screams, “Please stop making it difficult to discuss sex in front of you and just go get laid already.”

• 1 Pint of shitty vodka ($4): When he finally gets to pop that cherry, he’s not going to want to remember any of it.

• 1 Trojan Pleasures Extended 3-pack ($5): Even Old Faithful blushes when he erupts too early.

• 1 Pocket Kama Sutra ($6): Yes, page one has the missionary position on it.

• 1 4gb MircoSD Card ($4): He needs to learn from his mistakes, of which there will be many, so he needs something to store the play-by-play data.

for the mother hen Sure, she’s only a sophomore, but before the girls head out she lines them up by height for a quick headcount, lest someone try to escape her Sauronesque glare later in the evening. If a girl talks to a guy for more than fifteen minutes she intervenes, letting him know that “his future rape victim” is taken. She thinks that if one gal deviates from the evening’s plans no one will have any fun, especially her.

• 1 Magnacraft 10x25 pair of binoculars ($10): With eagleeye vision, she’ll be able to protect other groups of girls

from any college campus’ number one danger: Having fun.

• 1 Leash ($6): Like any bunch of bitches, these girls need to be kept close.

• 1 Whistle bracelet ($2): As the sex referee, she needs to decide if Trina needs to spend two minutes in the penalty box for letting Mark spend a few minutes in her love box.

• 1 Appointment book ($2): If Kathy isn’t outside of the club by 11:20 so we can hit the club next door by 11:30, she’s totally out of the group… which is exactly what Kathy wants.

for the brokest of bros He’d be the life of the party if he could ever afford to attend one. Instead, when he does scrape a few bucks together he nabs a handle of the cheapest vodka he can find and watches his one DVD, a stolen copy of Pocahontas, by himself. Hobos are giving this dude change.

• 1 Maruchan Top Ramen Chicken 6-pack ($1.50): He may say he’s so thin because it makes the ladies love him, but you see the way he eyes your nuggets like a feral dog.

Dude’s starving.

• 1 12oz bottle of Sriracha

sauce ($3): Everything he eats may taste like shit, but there are ways to mask gross flavors, ask any sorostitute who’s used flavored condoms.

• 2 Months of NetFlix streaming ($9): The first month may be free, but the second month, in the lonely, cold dregs of February, will allow him to cozy up to the warmth of Ron Swanson’s fiery moustache.

• 1 Charmin Ultra Soft 4-pack ($6): Crap goes in, crap comes out, angrily. Might as well have the fluffiest bouncers imaginable guarding the exit, making sure everyone leaves in an orderly fashion.

for the rowdy roommate The first time Kevin punched a hole in the wall was funny. The second time it was irritating. When he lit the carpet on fire and then peed it out, you finally lost it. Maybe you haven’t spoke to him since September, but a holiday gift basket would be the backhanded holiday season gesture to rekindle that fire. No, not the one on the carpet.

• 1 Dap spackling kit, 1/2 pint ($6): Nothing quite says, “I love you, but I also secretly hate you, so you better fix this shit immedi-

ately” like spackle for the holidays.

• 1 Great Neck 1-inch putty knife ($6): The edges aren’t sharp, so he won’t be able to stab you, accidentally or not.

• 1 Woolite Pet Stain & Odor Remover 22oz bottle ($4): It uses the spray and cleans the carpet, or its remains end up in a tar pit.

• 1 Korky Plunger ($4): Finally, no excuse for him to say, “Dude, you’ll have to shit outside, sorry, I clogged the toilet yacking this morning.”

for the super study buddy If she wouldn’t have lent you her notes for every exam, quiz, paper, recitation, essay, response, presentation, lab, practical and speech that evil teacher in your should-be-easy elective assigned, you’d be jerking off lion tamers in tht circus for spare coins right now.

You may not like her, but you need her. How does one say, “Same time next semester?” without coming off like a selfish prick?

• 1 Starbucks gift card ($5): She’ll need a latte to stay up late if she’s going to finish that chemistry lab write-up for you

by morning.

• 1 Study Smart, Study Less: Earn Higher Grades and Better Test Scores ($8): If Rachel doesn’t study harder, how are you going to stay in school AND go out every Wednesday night?

• 1 Post-it tags ($4): She needs to bookmark the important pages, so you can know which pages are important.

• 1 Funky Star sticker roll ($3): Don’t give these to the study buddy all at once. Keep them, and use them as a motivational tool, putting one (with a clever message) on each pack of notes you return to her.

for the hometown homeboy Mary’s nice. She’s funny, she’s smart, she does well with men, hell, she even called you on your birthday -- an actual phone call! Still, she chose to live with her parents and attend community college, and you want to make sure he knows what you think of her poor life choices.

Sadly, those pictures of a football player sucking on ya titties make you look fat, so something else will have to do.

• 1 Soda Can Stash ($8): No matter the vice, a parent will find it. Unless, of course, it’s hidden in a fake soda can.

• 4 Random shirts from the local Goodwill ($4): When she’s

forced to unironically sport a “Beaumont Football, 2A State Champions Class of 1989” tshirt as her local sport high water mark, she’ll feel the pangs of sadness not rooting for bigconference sports brings.

• 1 Cigarette Hitter Rod ($5): When she takes a job on the third shift at the local taco shell plant she’ll need to mask her bad habit with another legal, deadlier one.

• 1 Community college bumper sticker ($3): When she realizes she’s too embarrassed to pop this on her Ford Focus, she’ll have to reevaluate her life decisions. Score, social strata superiority.

the CHRISTMAS MOVIES DRINKING GAME

Home Alone

A Christmas Story

Take a drink any time a scene features hilarious head trauma.

Take a drink when anyone says, “Uhh, he should be dead, right?”

Take a drink when you notice product placement.

Take a drink for “KEVIN!” Take two drinks when someone crashes into the McCallister lawn jockey.

Take two drinks for every Old Man Marley sighting.

Take two drinks when Kevin talks to himself and/or breaks the fourth wall.

Chug your drink during “Carol of the Bells.”

Take a drink for every mention of a Red Rider BB Gun. Take a drink when Ralphie daydreams.

Take a drink when Mom serves food.

Take a drink when someone says “you’ll shoot your eye out.”

Take a drink when Randy whines or cries.

Take two drinks when the neighbor’s dogs piss off Mr. Parker.

Take two drinks for every Wizard of Oz reference.

Chug your drink during the Chinese renditions of “Deck the Halls,” and “Jingle Bells.”

Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer

Elf

Take a drink when someone says “Rudolph.”

Take a drink when Rudolph’s nose lights up.

Keep drinking for the duration of Rudolph’s lit nose.

Take a drink every time that smug snowman interrupts the story.

Take two drinks when a new Christmas character is introduced.

Take two drinks at every Abominable Snowman sighting.

Take three drinks in honor of the Island of Misfit Toys.

Chug your drink when Rudolph flies.

Take a drink when the Naughty or Nice List is referenced.

Take a drink when someone mentions Christmas Spirit.

Take a drink when Buddy sings.

Take a drink when Buddy eats something he is not supposed to.

Take a drink when Maple syrup is shown or mentioned.

Take a drink when Buddy tells anyone he loves them.

Take two drinks when Buddy says “cotton-headed ninny muggins.”

Chug your drink when Mr. Narwhal pops up.

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation Take a drink when Clark endangers himself or others in pursuit of the ultimate Christmas.

Take a drink when something goes wrong.

Take a drink when a calendar door is opened.

Take a drink when Clark messes with the neighbors, either by accident or on purpose.

Take a drink when any animal or person messes with the Griswold Christmas tree.

Take two drinks when Clark is irritated by Cousin Eddie.

Take two drinks when Clark’s bonus is referenced in conversation.

Finish your drink for every family lesson learned/attempted.

The Muppet Christmas Carol Take a drink when Gonzo and Rizzo get into an argument.

Take a drink when a bell rings or a clock tolls.

Take a drink for each Muppet you name incorrectly.

Take a drink when someone says “humbug,” “Ebenezer,” or “Scrooge.”

Take a drink when Michael Caine gets teary-eyed.

Take two drinks for each new ghost.

Take two drinks when Jacob and Robert Marley laugh at their own jokes.

Finish your drink when they sing “The Love We Found.”

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